#but im getting better!! i think i probably can speak it im just not at all confident

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

#MOTHER FFFFUCKER #to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants #im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night #at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn #to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS #the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori #but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey #consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!! #just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick #outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to #animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better #at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH #i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc #im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over #where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands #there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE #ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles #but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your #health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!! #im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves #also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet #im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to #have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to #to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up #their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ #yapping

[needylittlegirl]

sometimes ill be doing some normal everyday task and ill stop and realizing that im doing it pissed as hell cause i started thinking about yolanda saldivar

#brushing my teeth like 😡😡😡😡 #selena quintanilla queen of tejano and queen of little mexican american girls that cant speak spanish (me) #when i was like 7 years old i was having a TOUUGHH time at school #cause kids were saying like oh your mom looks weird she doesnt look like our moms! #and my dads white and im very white like visually #so i was getting a lot of people asking like What Are You are you adopted etc etc #and then on the flipside all of my cousins speak spanish but i dont #cause im the youngest and by the time i was born all the spanish speakers in my fam had learned english #so it was very like whatever way i turned i wasnt fitting in #so my mom sat me down and made me watch selena and i criiies and cried #like no i dont look like her but we’re both 3rd gen girls who were a little lost with their cultures and stuff #also dont tell my mom any of this she says im white passing to white ppl but mexicans always Know #which is true ive had mexican people ask if im mixed or wtf is up #its gotta be my nose like 100000% #i think my nose and body type and hair are the noticeable features #i was also raised super culturally by my moms side of the family #also i think its funny that spanish speaking people dont assume i speak it so theyll be talkin shit or something and ill know #i understand it but i dont speak it #but im getting better!! i think i probably can speak it im just not at all confident #i had to drop highschool spanish cause my teacher thought i was cheating #and she did not care when i was like girl i promise i only know this cause of my abuela pls believe me #sorry im rambling i have no clue where this is coming from #but when my grandparents moved here it was like #like 50s racism running rampant #so my grandpa tried to ditch EVERYTHING and like oretend he was italian cause that was more acceptable and all that #so he got rid of every tradition and tried to smash it down as much as he could #so of course that rubbed off on my mom #but my grandpas sisters never tried to hide it #so me and my mom have really bonded over like relearning our culture and i get to go to his sisters to teach me and its just really nice #yeah ok bye

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

so im doing a preliminary translation course french-dutch in january which if i do it well enough i can do the real course starting september, and you dont need any official recognition of your level in either language they just say you have to master your working language (ie dutch here) well and that your passive knowledge of your source language has to be good, around at least b2

and, okay, ive been told i do set too high standards, but like, that feels,,,,,cheating isnt exactly the word but like. if i couldnt make the sentence, then how could i ever hope to translate it well into another language you know what i mean?

im glad, because my chances are way better to get my passive french to b2 than my active french before january, im probably already there, but like, im still gonna try to get my active french there too right?

like it just feels so.....precarious. to only have b2 and to dare to try and put a sentence into your own language? if i couldnt have made the sentence, then i would never think i can write it as correctly as possible in another language. honestly.

#maybe im just underestimating what b2 is but i dont think so #i know my written french is not there yet but i have no idea where it is. i havent been writing much #learning french is a process of me realising my french wasnt as good as i thought it was and my english is WAY BETTER than i thought it was #my written english is better than my written dutch #my spoken english is another question but my spoken dutch is also full of stammering and gaps so #i might just be being autistic there #i also dont speak english with my mouth like ever #so similar to how i thought my french was 'probably b1?' back in may or whatever (it wasnt) #i Think i can say english words #bc i can say them in my head #but my mouth is not used to them #i sound like ive never spoken an english word in my life #my written english tho #i know thats not exactly impressive since anyone on tumblr is doing fandom in english im hardly the only one but still #it would be way easier for my to translate french to english than to dutch #i need to get on that #crash course dutch literature this month

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[birdyverdie]

Thinking about the Non-Euclidean Hilt and its blight chance, it just seems so odd to me. I'm also kinda just thinking it lore-wise more than anything.

Why blight? Why not bleed? It's the only trinket other than Miller's Pipe that actively inflicts blight, and not just increase skill chance. I thought maybe "euclidean" might've given some hint but all it really means is that the hilt is not geometrically in a 2D space...which I assume is everything, no? Name notwithstanding, the blight oh the blight, just why blight? Easy answer is that the shards themselves might be the ones that are poisoning the blade itself (and tbf Occam's Razor), since the entire Farmstead theme and more than half of it's abilities come from Husks blighting you.. but I just feel like thematically bleed fits the Crusader far more than blight does. Aaaahhh it's probably just the shards

#don't look at how i can't buy it im trying to get all the Trinkets so im poor in shards rn #look I just think it's cool that you can blight with the Crusader kay? Whenever I team build I don't consider him as a potential blighter #because he's *not*. That blight is honestly not even good even with trinkets. #id rather have this paired with his paralyzers crest to get an awesome stun chance #this is def one of his better trinkets tho. miss me with that Holy Orders wtf is that #this bird speaks #reluctant to tag darkest dungeon since im just rambling to myself but. well. #darkest dungeon #soz main tag but at the same time i've got bird enjoyers following me who don't wanna see DD shit probably

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

#^ guy who is not out of a depressive ep like he thought he sorta was #dont even like particularly feel the old urge of the anxiety/need to hurt my relationships like i used to..i just feel like shit. #short list of people i think i could handle like really speaking to rn but ultimately. i just want to be somewhere safe and easy #even if that feeling is like making me feel sorta suicidal still. #just dont have it in me to like figure out how to act normal right now. something i have to do around most people and nearly everyone #i intreact with irl right now #not healthy. Ofc naturally i know this. and i can push through it. im just not excited about it. #the exhaustion to like contain myself is greater than my lonliness even though that is rather large #and i would like to get this out of my system before like. the semester starts next week. which i know i cant like control but whatever #this is all sooooo stupid. i need to be alone but i need compaionship of someone i trust. #it feels like there is glue in my mouth and i can barely speak to people im not close with bc of how exhausted and anxious i am #man. thearpy is like. going to really . idk. probably not help my mood. bc it has been hard for me to word what has been happening to me #and im always so scared of saying something that will get me hosptizaled again. Even when it shouldnt. bc im not going to do anything. #but i am scared and tired simply. and while so much has gotten better and ive gotten so much better there are some things that i just. #cant seem to figure out how to fix or ask for help. whatever. Guy who is stupid and helpless and will have to just get over it at some poin #sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better #news with isaac

[pepprs]

ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting

#purrs #i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im #focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself #and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt #less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying #out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent #gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of #which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o #other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it #out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th #them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye

[todayisafridaynight]

Prior to sending the ask I was just guessing what matrophobia meant based on the root words but I looked it up after and went ohhhh and then you confirmed that extra dimension to it and I went OHHHHH

I think that gets to the heart of what I've been thinking about, that bittersweetness, because despite his best efforts... of course he could never end up anything like Yoko, but he still ended up with an abusive "household." Because in addition to Masato ending up how he did, he has to see those same situations play out, feel that same tension in the air between Jo and Ichi, over and over for almost a decade straight.

Like, in a way, he's forced to put himself in Toshio's shoes when that happens. He can't really get through to Jo, in the same way Toshio can't get through to Yoko, but he can try to step in before lasting damage is done, and he can try to make it bearable for his son. You know. Have a nice talk. Treat him to Peking duck. I'm SO normal about the (drawn-out) parallels of those scenes

So then with Jo... he kind of does become his father, even if he never wanted to (no one wants to), both through his ruinous neglect of Masato at birth and through how he comes to look at discipline and corporal punishment. I'm sure it's not lost on him in Masato's case (owww), but with Ichi, it's not like he has any reason to see him as his son... But How Far Can That Take You.

Because it's like, at the start, he was openly beating Ichi in front of Arakawa and not letting up much when Arakawa intervened. But then you have The Yubitsume Scene and Arakawa walking in on All That and... he looks sorry. Sorry for being caught, probably, but sorry nonetheless. Like... what changed between then and now... have you two had a Heartfelt Conversation... do you know where Arakawa got that scar... are you unable to change your "nature" even then...

Side note bro your SHOE is the size of his TORSO I promise you do not need to kick him with all the strength you've got like what the hell is this 😭😭😭

BUT ALL THAT ASIDE thank you so much for delving into the symbolism! Wonderful read. I don't really have an eye for symbolism, so that makes it all the more enjoyable to revisit the comic and everything with what you've gone into. I think a lot of your experiences resonate with mine, so conversely I'm not sure what others would take away from it, BUT I think there's enough there that's so insightful and evocative that it's effective without personal experience. I don't think there's anything I could add, so. Yeah. For once I am happy to sit back and take it all in... On that note, definitely looking forward to your next comic!

AUUUGH YEAAAH YEAHEYA HYEAH THAT EXACTLY OUUUGH OWIEE OWW.....

that's literally it though. like no extra notes. except The Obligatory Few i dont think it was an accident that arakawa is set up as the beginning of the game's 'protagonist' and planting that 'troubled family' taste first thing in our mind. i remember how i felt when i first saw arakawa walk in on jo and ichi and then arakawa taking ichi out for dinner i was just like🧍‍♂️Girl No The Cycle.... It's Continuing...... //screams// LIKE UGH IT WAS SO GOOD BUT ALSO OWWW STOPPP and then on the REPLAY it just hurts more cause with the added context to jo's character its like Oh No...... You're Your Father's Son....

and youre right: jo doesn't have an implicit reason to see how he treats ichi is wrong, hence he similarly doesnt have any reason to stop- not unless arakawa intervenes of course (and i will stand outside my window thinking of the possibility arakawa ever did try to have A Conversation with jo... arms folded behind my back and all like Man™️....)

oh but yeah, absolutely no problem ! im lowkey of an egotist so i do like to talk bout the stuff i make. More In Depth (though thats obvious considering the fuckin essays in the tags i always leave ☠️☠️) gerjlgaELKjg. so i was happy to explain ♪(´▽｀) !! what i like about symbolism is that it can be intentional or not, and the fun is always finding it just by chance. i cant explain it properly, but i just think its a neat 'seasoning' of sorts to drawings (❁´◡`❁)

#long post #snap chats #everyone in rgg got flipper shoes i stg tho like evey time i look at everyones renders i gotta point it out to myself 😭 #speaking of. The Cycle. and Personal Experiences. arakawa walkin in on jo and ichi esp hits cause thats def a thing thats happened to mysel #its insane how one woman terrorizes my whole family but no cause i remember my mom would tear me a new one. Metaphorically #or she'd be pissed at my sis and i and my sis would just take us out for lunch and we'd talk bout it #Unsurprisingly my dad would do that for me growin up and he was there #i used to visit him on weekends when he lived nearby and those were my Peking Duck dinners in a sense #he'd just do his best to make sure i felt at home and making sure. i was cared for for once LMAO #so yeah to see that repeat in my family with my sister taking the role of my dad its like ow... #OH YEAH NO ITS BEEN A HOT YEAR SINCE I SAID HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO GET THROUGH THE BEGINNING OF Y7 HUH #it hurts a lot to watch masumi's backstory since it's EXTREMELY personal and hits too close to home but i watch it anyway 🥴 #probably the first and only time a piece of media can actually 'trigger' me that badly i guess. how lame #i think ive updated my villain origin story enough tho. im sorry you also had a shit mom If Im Assuming Right #i wish it was easy to deal with bad parents but. well. if it was we wouldnt have them amiright #the best i can do is vent how i feel and at least try to have people in similar situations as me feel. understood. as corny as that sounds #its a little heinous to say Im Glad Our Experiences Are Similar cause id never wish my experiences on anyone else #but i guess i mean to say im glad we can understand each other in that regard #on a semi-better note. please dont hope for the comic anytime soon i only just finished sketching set pieces ( ´◡` ;;;) #I GOT DISTRACTED AGAAAINNNNN also its very cold and i dont work well in the cold. s'cause my fingers get all stiff EW #but i WILL have this one done i have too many abandoned projects i aint abandoning another one #with that in mind its funny you mention arakawas scar cause i did have a tiny baby thing in mind with it #nothing sad or serious this time just somethin cute even. if THAT ever happens we'll see it but yeah. just another funny case of Timing #alright bye bye for now i should work on this. after i answer your second ask HANG ON ILL SEE YOU THERE--

[n0ct0urn1quet]

as much as i love having a special interest i do sometimes wish i didnt get so lost in thought abt it to the point where im unable to think of Literally Anything Else until my brain is done thinking about my spin. dgoes that make sense

#i love warrior cats (special interest) i Adore wc and all my silly little ocs but most of it all boils down to like #i feel like sometimes i annoy othr ppl with How Much i . talk about it ig #or just how whenever im talking to ppl i have to Physically Restrain Myself from talking abt wc #lke a conversation will come to a halt and suddenly ill be thinking about wc and ill be like oh i can talk about this #but idk man i juts hf jljkldfjlkg djkfg jkdfbgkjd bkjfl #part of me is like. yknow what fuck anyone who gets annoyed at me its MY special interest and you can fuck off if you get Annoyed with me #talking about it. but on the other hand i am so desperate to please everyone and to make everyone like me that im willing to #Never Speak About Warrior Cats Again if it means i have a better chance of getting a long with ppl and Being Normal #does that make sense. this isnt abt anyone specific btw i should probably point that out SJKDJKBG this is juts. me in general

[rgbfall]

Ok I am like halfway through s2 of 2012 TMNT and ngl it's kinda growing on me haha

#look at first it kinda sucked ass #and it still kinda does but its better than ninjago which ive already had a hyperfixation on #plus i think half of it was just that it was very jarring to go from rise to the 2012 show #and it was just jarring that it was 3d animated #but i think my issues with it stem from the fact that its a 2012 animayed kids show #and so its very much a product of its time #so now im more in the headset of ''2012 animated action kids show'' im getting into it more #anyway if i ever make stuff for the 2012 show i am going to acknowledge some of the issues i have with some of the stuff #and itll probably end with me yassifying/mkaing them neurodivergent lmao #like come on you cant convince me that leo isnt neurodivergent #you can tear autistic 2012 leo out of my cold dead hands #and also very closeted gay. like very very deep in there #idk about the other guys i think 2012 leo is my fave of the team actually :/ #|| #fall speaks #tmnt #2012 tmnt

[whimsyprinx]

gonna be blunt and just say that people make me feel like I’m not worth any effort or that I’m just a joke and I’m really sick of it

#whimsy whispers #I usually just say this in tags but why not just make an upfront post about it #y’all make me feel ignored or like I’m not worth speaking to #even if I did say something about it it wouldn’t change anything #it’s so many people and it’s all the time and I just am tired of it I don’t even want to talk or try anymore #im like literally better off talking to my stuffed animals or the cats #at least I know that they don’t reply because they can’t #I feel like a lame joke #so like to stop feeling like a bother I’ve simply stopped bothering #the only people I really talk to anymore are people who talk to me first #and not even in a ‘I’ll only take if spoken to first’ thing anymore like #even if people were to talk to me now at this point I don’t know if I’d trust anyone actually cares or if they just saw my post and assumed #it was about them #which probably it is! but like that’s not the point #I don’t want people to talk to me because they see my post venting about this shit #I just want people to actually give a shit I don’t want to put energy into a friendship that feels like it’s useless to other people #I don’t want to talk to someone or a group of people that just ignores everything I say #so like yeah yay I’m sorry so many posts are on this topic it’s just an all the time kind of feeling and it’s not something I can just get #over #like how do you get over feeling like the majority of the people you think of as friends don’t even want you in their lives? #I don’t even know what to do to make myself worth peoples time #I don’t complain to people if i can help it anymore because I know that’s annoying and that people probs dislike me because I’m always sad #I try talking more and nothing improves I try talking less and nothing improves #it just feels like maybe people would be better off if I stopped trying #i don’t even feel like my best friend wants me in their life anymore or like my roommate(s) even like me #much less any of my other friends #im just tired of it all I just want to feel/be liked and loved ig #and I’m sorry to like place blame on people I always feel bad for feeling how I do because I want to believe no one actually feels this way #about me or makes me feel this way on purpose and don’t want to paint people as bad friends because they’re not I just like don’t know how #to deal or do better to be liked ig. anyways this is the last tag cause i hit the limit lol

[zackfairmutual]

only good thing watching/reading bnha has done for me is give me such a deep appreciation for mob psycho lol lmao

#i have one episode left in season 2 yipee!!!! #im too full of soda at the moment to articulate my thoughts abt like comparing the stories and characters #but i CAN say animation wise mp100 is vastly superior in both visuals and taking and even improving upon the mangas styles #bones was probably not the right studio to adapt bnha from the manga to be fair; idk who wouldve done it better idk that much about studios #they took the art of bnha and very much smooshed it into something very generic #(except for the more detailed sakuga but even that became scarce in season 5) #meanwhile mp100 is able to IMPROVE upon the visuals laid out in the manga and deliver movie tier action scenes ESPECIALLY season 2 #like i havent started season 6 of bnha yet but while the op is nice and stylized i cant help but think 'you will never be mp100' agsdfhjdksd #(btw im not saying better visuals wouldve made bnha better. theres story and character issues that are more important i recognize that) #(just brain cant articulate rn so you get the bare minimum from me tonight lol lmao) #woody speaks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#people get very confused when i say im trying to learn german #i feel like the common response is a hesitant: oh... r u interested in ww2 stuff? #and im like... r u asking if im learning german so i can like read 1st hand accounts from the naz1s???? #bc that is the big german thing ppl kno. but no. thats not y i wanna learn german #my family is just extremely german but in a way thats so Americanized that we dont pronounce our last name correctly #and im the only one now how knows how to do that. so its like. this is the language of my ancestors #and a lot of labs in Germany r doing research im interested in so if i got good enough in the next 5 or 6 years i could do a post doc in #germany so it would b good to speak the language. and also i think its weird that ppl call it a harsh sounding language #bc idk it sounds sorta gutteral but no more or less harsh than any other imo #idk thats my new years resolution i guess. get a lot better at german. expand my lil vocabulary #aber ich bin zu krank und müde :-[ und mein deutsch ist kaputt und hässlich #gebrochen is probably the better broken but whatever #did i put and ist in there? im too lazy to check #whatever. im gonna try to buy a staple gun tomorrow so thats fun #unrelated

[hailsatanacab]

No cetbwa update tomorrow guys, sorry! I'm also probably going to move the update schedule around a bit—I'm thinking maybe the first Friday of every month?—because we're catching up to my backlog and I'm not happy about it haha

So next chapter will be up on the 7th of Oct, see you then!!! 😊

#cetbwa #sorry but also what can you do #i probably could rush it and finish this chapter but honestly i dont want to put out something without at least having one round of editing #(not like this is my carefree uni days lmao i actually like cetbwa) #speaking of though!! ive just been rereading it - and editing bits as i go - because it kinda feels like im losing the voice a little bit? #so i want to get a better feel for it again #and im actually enjoying it??? like? im not going crazy with myself about it so thats a fun change of pace #but i also want a little time off so i can write something for dpxdc week! #its not gonna be much i think ive only got ideas for two of the prompts so far #but itll be fun!! and i cant wait to do it!! #im having fun guys and i only wish i could write faster because i want to see it finished too haha #i cannot write fast tho ugh #dont understand how some people do it #also i gotta start replying to some comments 😬😬😬 sorry guys ily really #anyway thanks for understanding! love you all!!

[pumpkin-n-mc]

created ^*^

#weird to Itemize the Bad Emotions(tm) but this is rly good #now nobody is forced to comfort me which.. sad for me but that’s what should be happening #I should get like comfort asmr bc I suck at comforting myself (obviously) and just have a channel dedicated to links for that… #so ready to read through the check ins and see absolutely zero times spent in the affirmations channel #well that’s not true actually because if I get comfort videos ill probably watch them in that channel #this will help though. because then I can actually be ready to talk and be high energy in group vc #then personal vc get out all the bad stuff and get myself higher energy #speaking of I need to figure out bots… which will take forever I fear #I don’t want daily because I always hate daily things I always get behind on them #but I think a bot giving check-ins like.. every three or four days on my mood and attachment level #and if I figure it out I can have the bot send comforting things and say stuff I can’t ask others to do which may just help in general #unless im particularly sad and realize im creating a thing just for that… should be fine whatever im already generally sad abt this stuff #okay yeah so I have to figure out bots.. i mean im sure i can figure it out #okay yay no more bringing the vibe down for others or hogging the channel :]]] #ough and especially no more having to mute when im overwhelmed I had angry stims to hit my bed some time ago and I kept on having to mute #and the voice check in will be nice because if there’s a lot then that means this was a good choice and if there’s not a lot #it means I’m doing better hopefully :]

[arolesbianism]

I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead

#rat rambles #oni posting #but actually I probably will keep the uniforms because I like them and theyre fun to draw #plus I dont think making olivia director inherently means that the uniform would change so I can get away with it #olivia and jackie would have probably come up with that together anyways simular to the rest of gravitas branding #theyve probably had all of that decided on since their college days lol #but yeah Ive been thinking abt the swap aus more since it's fun to put olivia into a more antagonistic role #even if the levels of antagonistic varry heavily and in most of the universes jackie is also an antagonist even as the primary pov #a lot of these in universe would be mostly jackie pov rambling about some bullshit that doesnt matter while the real meat in the other logs #all imply some gnarly shit abt olivia and how shes faring as director #shes typically not as bad as her non swapped jackies but she rly pushes it in the swapped rat universe #and by that I kind of just mean she is simply just worse but she at least almost handled the divorce better than canon jackie #I say almost because she did proceed to kidnap the woman after she admittedly broke into gravitas facilities after being fired but still #generally speaking kidnapping and semi murdering your ex for science is t a cool move no matter how justified you feel #the other two olivias are a lot less openly corrupt with rabbit au olivia being mostly just more mean and raccoon au olivia just having a #smidge of a god complex that she generally never acted on to be shitty #also one of those olivias was in a toxic codependent relationship with her unstable wife and the other was also in an toxic codependent #relationship with her wife but her wife proceeded to murder her about it #the jackies are all pretty shitty tho even if in mostly different ways #we have petty incel jackie we have emotionally manipulative jackie and we have the reason raccoon au olivia has a mild god complex jackie #and then we're forced to sit and watch as each jackie reads through their shitty actions as memoryless pods acting like theyd never do that #only to remember and sit in horror at the fact that at the end of the day their actions had little concequence to the greater universe and #that the only thing they achieved in life was hurting the woman they loved most and dying in a way that ultimately meant nothing #which is another reason Ive been thinking abt these aus sm as I love narratively kicking the shit out of jackie its fun #its a sign of my deepest love <3 #Im so much nicer to main au jackie which is saying smth since one of them gets literally murdered #albeit swap rat au jackie also gets sorta murdered so raccoon au jackie rly isn't special in that regard #at least she wasnt held hostage before hand it was a spur of the moment event #anyways I need to shower before it gets too late Im trying to maintain a msidgen of a sleep schedule