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minnuet-archive · 4 years

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about me!

hey! i'm vio.

that's not my real name (by real name, i don't mean dead name - i mean chosen name that i use in real life), but it doesn't mean i chose it at random. viola (vio) is my online name for a reason.

i chose the name viola because even though it's a girl's name, it's also the name of one of shakespeare's most sexually ambiguous characters to exist. vio, while also being a nickname for viola, is it's own name that comes from the word vita, meaning life.

in fact, i want vio to be my middle name once i legally change my name.

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i've kind of come to terms with my good traits and my not-so-good traits. i've been described as charismatic, kind, intelligent, patient, caring, thoughtful, good at giving advice, and funny. but the downside to being (supposedly) charismatic is that i can be manipulative. i also lie a little more than i should because of my anxiety.

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sexuality and gender wise, i'm not someone you can put into labels. i'm equally okay with he/him and they/them pronouns, so i'm perfectly comfortable with either the label trans ftm or nonbinary.

although i'm TECHNICALLY pansexual, I enjoy the term queer because it makes me feel less self conscious about if i'm more straight than gay (or vice versa) and things like that.

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i'm: - a pisces - a slytherin (although i don't support j.k. rowling herself and i don't love the harry potter series either, knowing my house will probably help you get a feel for who i am) - an enfj/infj (it changes a surprising amount) - an 8 (then a 3, then a 5) in the enneagram - chaotic neutral - a son of loki - a son of either hermes or hades (it's been a long internal debate)

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i love: - hunter x hunter (ハンター×ハンター / hantā hantā) - attack on titan (進撃の巨人 / shingeki no kyojin) - my hero academia (僕のヒーローアカデミア / boku no hīrō akademia) - death note (デスノート / desu nōto) - haikyu!! (ハイキュー!! / haikyū!!) - violet evergarden (ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン / vaioretto evāgāden) - nura: rise of the yokai clan (ぬらりひょんの孫 / nurarihyon no mago / nurarihyon's grandson) - ouran high school host club (桜蘭高校ホスト部 / ōran Kōkō Hosuto Kurabu) - black clover (ブラッククローバー / burakku kurōbā) - yuri!!! on ice (ユーリ!!! on ICE) - westworld - the politician - the haunting of hill house - the good place - good omens - brooklyn nine-nine - on my block - lost in space - many more

i'm a big shipper and it causes me quite a bit of pain considering i mostly ship gay ships and i also mostly watch animes so they'll never happen.

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i used to play basketball and tennis, but now i mainly just use my dad's peloton bike and go on runs. oh, and i also snowboard and surf! i'm pretty good at surfing although i need someone to push me on a wave and i'm getting a lot better at snowboarding (although i'm not GOOD).

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i enjoy cooking too, but don't have enough time or energy for it. i love horror movies and house plants, but i can't take care of them for shit.

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i really like to listen to music!!! it's very hard to describe my musical taste, but my top grneres are modern rock, indie pop, indie, pop, rock, electropop, and dance pop.

i used to listen to more emo music, but recently i’ve found that it just gets me down, so i try to listen to upbeat/chill music.

my spotify account name is strangecharm if you want to follow me! the playlist currently. has music that rotates as i find my favorite songs, but seventh grade. has all the music i've liked this year! i also really enjoy the playlist chill.

i also like musicals (dear evan hansen, be more chill, heathers, six the musical, and hamilton for the most part), but they're not what i listen to for the most part.

oh! i'm a singer and a pianist! i've always loved singing, but i always hated piano. a while ago, i got significantly better and started playing songs i enjoyed. it gave me this sense of motivation i've never felt when it comes to piano. i've even composed a couple piano pieces at this point!

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another really nerdy thing about me is that i genuinely enjoy philosophy and poetry (particularly from one of my favorites, rumi).

i love: - john green - david levithan - terry pratchett - neil gaiman - tomi adeyemi - rick riordan - jalāl ad-dīn muhammad rūmī (aka rumi; he’s an ancient persian poet, and he’s queer as hell) overall, i don't really read by authors, though. for the most part, when i choose a book, it's because it was recommended to me or is of value to me as an author.

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i'd like to grow up to be an author, but i also want to teach writing so i can share what i know! my (dream) life plan is kind of to go to college in london or, if not, somewhere on the east coast of the united states.

from there, i'd either want to study abroad in japan or get my english abroad permit and teach english in japan.

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i'm re-learning spanish and learning japanese, too! i want to learn them for four main reasons among many: 1) knowing spanish is really helpful in america 2) i can write novels in english, spanish, and japanese! 3) both spanish and japanese are absolutely beautiful languages- way more beautiful than english. 4) i can watch animes and have peace of mind because i won't have to read subtitles that are insanely off from what the voice actors are saying.

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i'm an eclectic witch (although i am particularly drawn to divination and green witchcraft)!

i really love tarot cards! some people think they can tell the future which is okay (i guess), but personally, i just use them to help me recognize themes in my and other people's life/lives from an unbiased perspective and help make things better.

my favorite kind of spells are jar spells and tea spells. if i'm doing spells, they're normally protection spells, self-love spells, or anti-anxiety/depression/bad vibe spells. i don't really believe in trying to use hexes or curses because then you're no better than the person you're cursing.

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i love art, but i'm not very good at it, so for the most part i do abstract art instead of realistic art. abstract art is pretty fun, too!

i'm trying to get better at using proportions and things, though. my favorite method is the loomis method and i love the youtube channel proko.

you can check out my book on wattpad, artistic elixir (i know, cheesy; i thought i was cool and i’m too lazy to rename it), if you want to see some of my art.

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i have a lot of unpopular opinions. some are big and some are small. that's just who i am. my mom's insanely left wing and lgbtq+ herself, but my dad's neither left nor right wing, leaving him hated by both wings. i've become a weird mix where i'm definitely more left wing than right, but i'm also not really either wing.

for example, i think that, if I'm being honest, the amount of labels in LGBTQ+ community has gotten out of hand. i'm not saying that the feelings aren't real. I'm not saying that it's impossible to not want to have sex or feel physical attraction until you get to know someone. but some genders & sexualities sound a lot more like a preference to me. i think that a lot of labels that exist could easily fit into other ones that already did exist. i also feel that you need some kind of dysphoria to be genderqueer and that neopronouns are a bit unnecessary.

basically, the rule of thumb for me is that i don't give a fuck. by saying this, i mean that i both do not give a fuck: 1) in that you can do whatever you want and be whoever you want and don't have to to live by my opinions. i understand and respect that and i’ll love you the same as long as you’re not hurting anyone with your actions. 2) in that i won't tiptoe around you, trying not to hurt you. i will share my opinion, regardless of whether or not it hurts you. i speak my mind; that's how i've always been and always will be.

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i have a pinterest, a wattpad, an archive of our own, a spotify, and, obviously, a tumblr, so just ask me if you want my account on any of them!

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that’s basically all i can think of, but i’ll always answer questions for you guys! just send me an ask or even a pm if you want to ask any other questions, or even just want to talk! i’m always up for making friends!

-vio/viola

#about me #me #bio

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peachofyourheart · 5 years

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How To Be A Professional Author And Not Die Screaming And Starving In A Lightless Abyss

Your reading today comes in the form of this Medium article by Heather Demetrios: “How To Lose A Third Of A Million Dollars Without Even Trying.” It’s a good article. I feel deeply for the writer, because this shit we do comes with no real map. No creative map, no story map, no industry map, no money map. “HERE IS A BUNCH OF MONEY,” a sinister shadowy figure says in an alley. “IN SIX MONTHS, WE WILL EXTRACT FROM YOU A BOOK, AND THEN THE DEAL IS COMPLETE.” And then the shadowy figure is gone, and all you’re left with is the crisp smell of burning paper and a mysterious whisper in the well of your ear that says, “deckle edge.”

But, the good news is, there exist answers to a lot of these conundrums, and so I’m going to do some painting-with-shotguns here and try to broad-stroke some thoughts and answers about the challenges this writer faced in her Authorial Journey.

Your Agent Is There To Help You

You need an agent, and a good agent who will explain to you this stuff — an agent who answers questions you don’t know to ask and who also (obviously) answers the questions you do ask. Now, an agent isn’t psychic, and I’m gonna guess a lot of them default to expecting you know some of this stuff, or they’re so brined and pickled in the industry they’re like fish swimming in water who don’t know what “water” even is anymore. Which leads me to highlight the next point:

Definitely Ask Questions

Deeeefiniiiiitely totally utterly absoflogginlutely ask questions. All kinds of questions. No questions are foolish, especially when it regards your career, your finances, your future. Ask your agent. Ask your editor. Ask anybody you know in the industry. Ask other writers! I have found other writers to be a wonderful well of fresh, clean water when it comes to that sort of thing. Certainly I must acknowledge that I feel the SFF genre is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to industry folks willing to share their experiences and offer answers. Oh! Speakawhich, may I recommend Dongwon Song’s PUBLISHING IS HARD newsletter?

Definitely Ask Questions From Multiple Sources

Crowdsource better answers by getting multiple answers. That’s it, that’s the deal. One answer may not be comprehensive. Also, authors are not always right about how things work. Hell, I’m probably wrong about stuff in this very post. Also, if your agent isn’t clear on this stuff, or won’t answer questions, fire that agent out of a cannon, and into the mouth of a great white shark.

Publishing Money Is Fucking Weird

Publishing, particularly big publishing (sorry, Big Publishing, aka Big Book, or The Bibliodeities of Mannahattan) pays advances ahead of your royalties. Smaller advances mean you’re likelier to earn out, but a small advance also does little for you up front. Larger advances mean you’ve got a considerably larger “cost of life” cushion, but are less likely to earn out.

Your contract likely stipulates you get paid a certain amount up front — a third of the contract, let’s say — upon signing, and then you get paid the rest of your advance usually in chunks when you meet certain milestones. Turned in first draft, or final draft, or upon publication. I have found these milestones to be different at different publishers (and I’ve worked with a lotta publishers).

You owe 15% of that to your agent/agency.

Earning out is a theoretically straightforward affair — calculate how much you make per book based on the percentage royalty driven by format. Let’s say 10% per hardcover sale, or 25% of an e-book. But there, we enter into squirmy, less certain territory already. If Amazon discounts your book, do you make the 10% on the cover price, or the sale price? (My understanding here is, it depends on who initiates that sale. Amazon initiates, you get it on full. Publisher initiates, you get on the publisher’s choice of price.) So, every sale of a book is earning you a specific amount of money —

So, if my book Wanderers is a hardcover at $28.99, I theoretically make ~$2.90 per sale of that. And an e-book at $13.99 earns me ~$3.50, so from there I should easily be able to calculate what it would take in this round to “earn out,” but I’ve done that math on other books, and I’ve never found it particularly accurate. Why? Because it actually isn’t that simple. Between audio sales and library sales and less traditional sales channels and then book returns (yes, bookstores return unsold stock sometimes and that can ding you), it starts to become a bit of occult calculus that only sorcerers can understand. You can kinda eyeball it? You can make some educated guesses as to how many books you’ll have to sell to earn out, but even then, how many in what format? Some books sell 75% in e-book. Some sell only 25% in e-book. Wanderers, to my shock, has had a rough split of 33/33/33% across print, e-book, audio. Could I have foretold that? Nope.

If you know how many books you sold, that would help, but —

It’s Hard To Know How Many Books You’ve Sold

Publishers are starting to catch up to the fact that authors want to know how well they’re selling (weird, who knew?) — Penguin Random House has a pretty robust, snap-to-it site that has daily updates to your book’s sales. It’s nice to have, if not necessarily useful at every step. And it’s not always wholly accurate, either, which honestly isn’t their fault — we imagine an age where every strand of every industry is plucked with every sale, neatly and nicely updating the total, but as with every industry, it’s less an elegant web and more a clumsy knot. Retailers are independent and not plugged into one another. Each store is not lightning fast in how they respond to things. Even Amazon on the back-end is, from my understanding, kind of a hot mess.

(It’s funny, I’ve met with Amazon multiple times under the auspices of, “Tell us how to help authors more.” Arguably because they want to help more than publishers do, making friends of authors directly, beyond publisher relationships — which, ennnh, okay. Still, I always tell them one thing: GIVE AUTHORS MORE DATA. Tell us our sales! Tell us our Kindle sales in particular! Tell us when people quit reading our books! And they say OOH YES GOOD POINT and then it never happens and hahaha good times.)

Treat Your Publishing Money Like A Demonic Bargain

You should always be fairly dubious of that money. Not that it’ll disappear — it’s just, it’s wildly inconsistent, as I hope I’ve made clear. It’s inconsistent in its timing, in its amount, in everything. It’s constantly shifting ground, and that unsteadiness of the financial earth should leave you particularly touchy. The ground can crack and fall out at any point, which is why you need to budget. Planning is key for a writer’s life, and that’s hard, because we’re a sack of cats, mentally. But you gotta know how to portion it out, and you have to see down the road to where the money is coming from. (As a sidenote, it’s why it’s vital not to give up too many rights — foreign, film/TV, other licensing opportunities — to the publisher. Those random drops of money, while totally not-count-on-able, can be helpful just the same.)

Oh also ha ha ha the taxes are killer.

You’re gonna pay taxes on that.

And they’re not fun.

Budget, budget, budget. At any meaningful levels of money coming in, GET THEE AN ACCOUNTANT, and possibly even hie thee hence to forming an LLC, which can, at high enough income levels, drop your tax burden a little bit. Others will sell LLCs as also being able to defer liability but most lawyers and accountants I’ve asked about this suggest it’s a bit of a myth.

It’s hard to get a mortgage as a writer, if you’re the only income.

Trust me when I tell you that. Doesn’t matter what you earn, you don’t fit into a box that they can neatly check on the application, so you’re a strange animal to the mortgage broker, like a Zebra who fucked a Dolphin and who is also from the future? We’ll talk more about DAY JORBS in a minute.

Cost Of Living Is A Real Thing

The cost of living is tied to where you live. And so, your Publishing Dollar goes a lot farther in places where the cost of living is lower. In other words, if you’re going to choose to live in The City (that city being NYC, SF, whatever), you are almost certainly fucking yourself in every uncomfortable position.

Now, the opposite of that is, sometimes you get advice that amounts to demanding you live in some unpleasant nowheresville — and that’s fine, if you’re fine with it. I’m not. My publishing money could go much farther if I lived, say, 100 miles to the west, but instead, I live where I live. It’s not a profoundly expensive place, especially compared to, say, NYC, but it’s also not as cheap as, say, Ohio. But (nothing personal) I do not want to live in Ohio, I want to live where I live, because of culture, because of education, because of access to places like NYC or Philly or the Lehigh Valley, and so here I dwell, even if my Publishing Dollar would go farther in Nebraska or even in the middle of my own state. As writers, I find we do thrive a little bit based a little on the place we live — and so, live where you want to live, just be aware that there are concessions to be made if you do, and costs for that choice. But also, probably don’t live in NYC or SF. Live near them, ok. In them, not so much.

Back To Those Pesky Advances

I have been fortunate enough to have a somewhat gentle arc to my career — a nice hill of slowly advancing advances. I started small, with four figures, and have added zeroes as time went on. It’s been a slow boil but I prefer that, because it demonstrates what I hope is an increasing audience and quality of books. The worry is when you jump through the gate and someone hands you a fat sack of six figures and it’s like — boy howdy, you’ve probably got nowhere to go but down. Debuts tend to get an almost weird amount of attention (same as how the first book in a series nearly always gets 1000% more publishing attention than the second or third), but even with that, it’s hard to see how a New Author is going to just Rocket to the Moon on a first, big book. It can happen! It has and will again. But just know that opening big is a trickier gambit. It’s like, you wrote some songs and have a guitar and OOPS now you’re headlining Coachella ha ha good luck I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Wait I Didn’t Even Talk About Bucket, Or Joint, Accounting

Back to the tricky calculus of “earning out” — it gets trickier when you realize that some deals don’t just demand you earn out one book, but rather, all the books in your contract. The advances-per-book are put in a bucket, and so you must out-earn the bucket amount, not the per-book amount, before you start seeing royalties beyond your advances. This can be tricky with a series, let’s say, where the first book does well, and where no subsequent book is likely to do better than that first book — it robs you a chance of earning out with one book even if you don’t on the next two, let’s say.

How Marketing Is Tied To Advance

In general (and nothing is ever universal in this industry), the higher the advance, the more money the publisher has in their budget to support the book, particularly in terms of marketing, advertising, and publicity. On the one hand, this makes sense, right? Your book is an investment, and so they don’t wanna invest a bunch of money and then just have it fail — so they contribute more money and infrastructure toward paying off that investment. But it also means that lower advances can mark you in the “uhhh let’s throw it at the wall and see what sticks!” category, which is tough. It puts a lot of burden on you. And that burden is often unfairly thought of as being high effective buuuuut

You Are Never As Effective As A Publishing Budget

Trust me when I say, you can do a lot as an author to encourage people to read your books. But also trust me when I say, a publisher’s efforts in this realm is multiplicative compared to what you can achieve. Stay in this industry long enough — and so much of this industry is exactly that, just staying in the goddamn game — and you will reliably detect when a publisher is spending money on a book. You can tell because it’ll have buzz, it’ll get media placement, you’ll have appearances, and so on. You can also tell when they haven’t done shit for your book. Even if you yourself have done a lot!

Do you need a website? Probably. Doesn’t need to be fancy, but shouldn’t look like a half-ass botch-job, either. Should work on mobile and all that.

Do you need swag? I’m of a mind that it moves zero needles, and I’ve never seen data that it moves needles, and it just seems to be a thing authors have internalized that they need?

Do you need a tour? I mean, I dunno. At a debut level, I’d say no. As with crowdfunding anything, you need an audience already in place to make that make sense. Better to do cons and conferences, I think, at earlier levels, though other authors may disagree.

This is part of the trick, by the way: advice for a debut author, and for a mid-list author, and for a mid-career author, and for a hugely successful author, are very, very different. It can in fact be as individual as writing process. It’s all broad strokes, so take everything even here with many many grains of salt.

A whole salt lick, even.

Your Day Job? Don’t Quit It

This will be the 1000th time I’ve said this and I’ll say it a million more: don’t quit your day job. When do you quit your day job? When the work is at such a level that you either have to quit writing, or quit the day job. That’s it. When you’re up against the wall and you see, “I can’t write these books and also still go to work every day,” that’s a signal. (And ideally it’s a decision made easily because you’re making enough money at writing that it makes both financial sense and is a financial necessity.)

But otherwise? Hang tight. You’ll have no health care. As I said, mortgages will be harder to get. Everything is a little harder when you’re a ROGUE AUTHOR FREELANCE MERC out there in the PUBLISHING WASTELAND. Bonus: have a spouse who has health care and a steady job.

Note, again, I’m fortunate enough to be the sole income for our household as a writer. And I’m doing okay, and am comfortable. But I also still have these difficulties, and the erratic payment schedules can be brutal. All of it adds up to:

Have Plans On Top Of Plans

It’s like, if you live in the PNW, you probably have an Earthquake Preparedness Kit? You need that as an author. (Er, metaphorically speaking. Authors are not subject to actual earthquakes in particular.) Squirrel away money. Have plans on top of plans. What if your genre collapses? What if your agent quits? What if your next advance is way too low to survive upon? What if the economy shits the bed? Have a plan for next year, for five years, for ten. Envision how you remain in this game. A writing career is, as I’ve noted before, a CLIFF MITIGATION EXERCISE. You are eternally speeding toward the cliff’s edge. You might careen off that edge and into a ravine and crash in a spectacular fashion at the end of every contract. And so you need to imagine how — before it happens! — you’re gonna build a ramp or a bridge or some rocket boosters or shit. You gotta Evel Knievel that cliff somehow — but how? New genre? New age range? Break into comics? Some self-publishing on the side? Have plans inside plans inside plans. Especially if shit goes sideways. My day to day is spent thinking 50% about what stories I want to write and 50% what I’m going to do to keep my career going. Which leaves me little time for like, BASIC LIFE-BRAIN FUNCTIONS, so uhhh oops?

To Add In, And To Sum Up

– Publishing is fucking nuts, and trying to understand it is like trying to win a staring contest with the Eye of Sauron, but you gotta try, or you’ll die

– JESUS CHRIST ask some questions, seriously

– Publishing is not a lottery, and you need to treat it like a serious business venture where you’re given the squalling baby of a writing career and your job is to keep that thing alive and somehow get it to college, and if someone wants to put that writing career baby in college before it’s learned to walk, you should be very very wary of that

– Drink the fancy cocktails when you visit NYC, but don’t live there, for Christ’s sake

– Not every publisher is the same, some are fucking amateur hour karaoke, and some are well-trained machine assassins who never miss their shot

– You don’t control what a publisher does; get me drunk and I’ll tell you STORIES

– You should definitely know when your book is coming out and not via Google Alert, like, just ask, just ask your editor or ask your agent to ask your editor (your agent can be a very good “bad cop” if you need them to be, and they should be eager to fill that position, because a good agent is working for YOU, not for their relationship with the publisher), AHHH ASK QUESTIONS

– Art and Commerce are fiddly, uncomfortable fuck-buddies, they’re always fucking, but they’re always fighting too — but that doesn’t absolve you from cleaving only to the art and failing to learn about the commerce side of things

– You’re never dead in this industry until you stay dead, otherwise, get up, claw your way out of the grave, write the next book, change your name if you have to, change an agent, change genre, whatever; you do it because you love this thing and being undead is cooler than being regular dead

ANYWAY

There is probably shit I’m missing.

Feel free to ask questions — I may not get to them quickly, as I am dealing with lots of LIFE STUFF right now. (I wrote this post in a bit of much-needed down-time.)

If you like this post, and find it helpful, don’t buy me a cup of coffee.

Buy WANDERERS. Or tell your friends. Or leave a review.

Lest I die starving and screaming in a lightless abyss.

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kamen-base · 5 years

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Goggle V is finally finished. I’d like to thank Quick and Dirty Subs for subbing all 50 episodes of Goggle V (though I couldn’t find the movie anywhere, raw or subbed) and krdl.moe for allowing me to download the episodes to this show (seriously, if you don’t want to torrent, krdl.moe is the best place to find all sorts of tokusatsu shows).

Anyways, to finish up, I’ll be listing what I thought was good, mediocre, and bad in this show before giving my rating. This will be long and have spoilers, just warning you all.

The first thing I list is the best thing, the last thing I list is the worst thing, it’s like a spectrum. (Mediocre is like my nitpicks with the show)

THE GOOD:

The Goggle V Team: The best part of the show, yet sadly even they weren’t that great. Though static, bland, and not developed throughout the show, I still found myself enjoying the characters at times, especially any Kanpei and Miki focused episodes, as they were badass whenever it was their focus episodes.

The First Half of the Show: To be completely honest, I enjoyed the first half of the show more than the second. Though there were good episodes throughout the 50 episodes, I found the characters smarter and they seemed to have more engagement with the Comboys than in the second half. I also found the villains smarter in the early side and liked the banter between Dr. Zazoriya and Dr. Iguana, as at least there was something going on with the villains. I also liked the episodes in the early side a lot more.

THE MEDIOCRE:

Not explaining why the Goggle V members were chosen: Ok, this is more of a nitpick than anything else, but why were they the people chosen for Goggle V. I mean sure, it’s explained that the Comboys were the ones choosing the candidates for Goggle V, but why were they even in the possible candidates for Goggle V? I mean seriously, why was a dancer, zookeeper, hockey player, and shogi player in the fucking databases rather than a boxer or soldier? I mean yes, Futoshi’s father was Hongo’s partner and Saburo was an “inventor” (more on that later), but what about Kanpei and Miki? Plus, favoritism should never be a reason why someone’s chosen to fight a war.

The Computer Boys and Girls: Despite being Goggle V’s biggest supporters in battle, they don’t really do much. I mean, while they’re just mainly there to cause some kid plots, they really don’t interact with Goggle V after the first 10 episodes and do pretty much nothing other than work in the Future Science Laboratory. Not only that, why make them children? Sure the show gives some bs explanation of “they represent a future without dark science” but I bet Hongo was sure regretting that when Deathdark invaded the Laboratory in the finale and the Comboys could do nothing but watch instead of fighting back if they were adults.

Some Unexplained Things/Weapons: What’s with all the unexplained weapons Goggle V gains? I mean, we got a random mirror Miki uses, two lightsabers Kenichi and Kanpei inexplicable have, and Deathdark completely forgetting where Goggle V’s base was, despite appearing at the amusement park Goggle V’s base was under in the second episode, or not remembering a Comboy. There are others, but they usually pertain to that certain episode. For example, Saburo being an inventor, which was never mentioned before or after episode 38.

The Fight Scenes: While the fight scenes had some really, and I mean really interesting camera work in the second half of the show, the slow motion used during the first half felt really excessive. Not to mention there was a lot of stock footage used during the fights in the first half of the show.

Dropping the Amusement Park Base: It was an interesting place for a team base, which sadly was dropped after the first 5~ episodes and only came up sparingly in the last 10~ episodes. It just irked me that they didn’t use it much, but it could be because the costs for filming there was too high.

The Mecha Battles: While not bad, they all got real old fast. Nothing really interesting happened during the fights, it was just punch, special attacks, finisher, end. Adding on that Miki and Kanpei could only sit and watch in Goggle Caesar made me really irritated at times.

Sayuri, Midori, Bella, and Beth: Four words: These characters did NOTHING. They were all introduced, then did nothing. Hell, Sayuri leaves in episode 22, and nothing changes. Midori does nothing throughout the show, neither does Bella and Beth. All these characters felt like wasted potential and just take up space and screen time. I could remove every character from the show, and nothing, and I mean nothing, would change.

THE BAD:

The Neo-Metal Upgrades: This upgrade provided no changes in the show. Seriously, if you skipped it, you would miss almost nothing, other than the fact Goggle V has a new finisher and the next episode has Deathdark attempting to counter Goggle V’s new finisher, which is dropped pretty much immediately in that episode. Seriously, the fact that the Mozu’s aren’t even mentioned to have Neo-Metal inside of them and the reason Goggle V succeeded in upgrading their weapons was due to someone else literally handing them it is just bad. Adding on that Goggle V was acting pretty fucking OOC during that episode, at least to me, makes that entire plot seem really bad.

Professor Hideki Hongo: Worst. Sentai. Mentor. EVER. Does he even qualify as a Sentai Mentor? Well, the wiki says he does, so I guess I can too. His reasoning for leaving is also absolute bullshit since he should’ve helped Goggle V instead of leaving them and telling them “LEARN TO BECOME INDEPENDENT”. Adding onto the fact he comes back in the final two episodes for the sole purpose of providing a base for Goggle V and he provides no advice and doesn’t help the rangers develop at all is bad.

Lack of any Backstory/Development for Goggle V: Even though to me, the Goggle V team is the best part of the show, I can still criticize the lack of development/backstory the team has. Seriously, the person I think that has the most character is Kanpei, and his two traits are being badass and smart. Everyone else just feels stock. Kenichi is the determined one, Saburo is the chill one, Futoshi is the funny one, and Miki is the girl, but badass. Not only that, we have no backstory on any of the members of Goggle V. Why in the world did Saburo become a hockey player, or Futoshi a geologist to zookeeper? Why did Miki become a dancer? Never explained. If they gave backstories to these characters, they could’ve made them more interesting, but they didn’t. Adding to the fact that Futoshi’s father never was important to the story after his episode was just awful, but more on that in the next section.

Wasted Potential: This show had some really interesting concepts when it started out, but just dropped them immediately. All of Goggle V’s jewels were connected to ancient civilizations, but after the first episode, they did nothing with them? Why not make the show history-themed as well, learning about the past to help the future? Also, remember when Grand Marshall Desmark needed to absorb life-essence to get stronger. That was dropped right after his introductory episode. Also, Futoshi’s father could’ve played a huge role in Futoshi’s character, but it never went anywhere. My vision is to have Futoshi start off as an asshole who hates people chasing after material things, due to his father leaving him for gold and causing some emotional problems for Futoshi. However, after an arc, Futoshi finally realizes the truth to his father’s absence, as he left to protect his family from Deathdark, and gains even more resolve to protect the world from Deathdark so that no one had to go through what he had to go through. I mean, the show did show Futoshi as nice towards children, and somewhat of a father-figure towards them, which I guess can be an effect from Futoshi’s father leaving him, but since it’s never stated outright, it still pisses me off.

The Finale Arc: This arc felt really rushed. We constantly jumped from one scene to the next without ever having the time to have the scenes impact the viewers Like, here’s an example. Goggle V is defeated, then five seconds later we change scenes to Deathdark attacking. Ten seconds later, Goggle V is revealed to be alive. See what I mean? Also, the fact that Goggle V inexplicable have a tracker for the Dark Hole Device, Grand Marshall Desmark somehow knowing about the existence of the Hightron Energy and the fact he admits to not knowing the effects of the energy to knowing the effects of the energy on a human body in two episodes just makes the entire arc feel messy and contrived. Speaking of feeling contrived, Deathgiller, for no reason, enters Goggle V’s base just so he could tell Mazurka she has a bomb inside her instead of detonating the bomb within her far away from the base. Even more things that irk me is: Deathgiller helping Goggle V during the arc is immediately forgotten by everyone as if he was always a villain. The base is destroyed, Goggle V attempt to rebuild but then the rebuilt base is destroyed, only for Hongo to lead them to a new base which is targeted by Deathdark not even 3 minutes after it was introduced. Grand Marshall Desmark’s defeat is lame and stupid, what the hell happened to the power of the Mozu’s powered up by the Hightron Energy, as despite all three Mozu’s being powered up by it, only the first one was shown to be a threat. There are probably more if I think longer, but in summary, this arc felt lazy, contrived, messy, and rushed.

The Villains: By far the weakest villains I’ve seen in a Sentai yet. All of them have a really bland personality and we get little to no backstory for all of them. While at first, they seemed competent, they started to do dumber stuff by the end of the show. General Deathgiller was the most interesting of the group because he was the only one that actually did shit. Mazurka felt completely unnecessary, Grand Marshall Desmark had an interesting subplot that was dropped almost immediately and did nothing despite being Deathdark’s greatest scientist. Bella and Beth could’ve been cut out from the show and nothing would’ve been lost. Dr. Zazoriya and Dr. Iguana were useless, but I liked their rivalry, as it was the only interesting thing the villains had. And do not get me started on Führer Taboo, as he acted more like a child than anything else, always taking things with a child-like demeanor. And guess what? He also did nothing until the finale. Seriously, besides Führer Taboo, were any of them human? How did they form? How did the members of Deathdark join? If the show answered any of these questions, it would at least make the villains more interesting, but unfortunately, the show did not at all.

Overall, I’d give Goggle V a 2/10. While it didn’t anger me like Zyuranger, it was boring to watch, except for the Kanpei/Miki episodes, and the wasted potential and villains made it really hard to continue watching. Not helped with that god awful finale arc and the boring side characters. However, the first 10~ episodes, the characters, and certain episodes in the rest of the show are the only reason why this show isn’t a 1 for me.

My favorite episode would have to be any of the Kanpei ones, like episodes 29 and 42 as they just show how badass and cool he can be.

My least favorite episode has to be episode 44, as everything just felt watered down. Futoshi betraying the team is played somewhat for laughs, Kenichi’s reaction to his betrayal felt weak and Futoshi’s turn back to good felt weak as well.

Current Sentai Rankings:

Jetman

Liveman

Maskman

Battle Fever J (I need to rewatch everything from 1-4 as it’s been awhile)

Zyuranger

Goggle V

If you’d like to talk to me or want to know more about why I dislike this series, feel free to message me, but other than that, I will now begin to watch the very first Super Sentai. Himitsu Sentai Goranger.

#super sentai #dai sentai goggle v #Liveblogging Goggle V #review

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aboutpatrick · 4 years

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Project 2: Art Interview

For my art interview, I decided to interview my good friend Yianni Binaris. He is a sophomore studying fashion design at Syracuse University. He is one of three males in his whole major. He started fashion design when he got to school and became so good at it that he was invited to represent Syracuse University at New York Fashion Week in NYC. Here’s what he had to say about the world of fashion design and what he wants to do in the future.

1. What made you decide to go into fashion design?

Um, I got into fashion because when I was younger all I wanted to do was design. I would draw on anything and design whatever and like from that I got into sneakers. Sneakers got me into clothing and the next thing I know I’m here. So I guess it was just a real effect of art.

2. Do you have any experience in fashion prior to this?

No. I didn’t even know how to sow. Which was definitely a big wake up call when I got here. It was hard especially the first semester because everyone, for the most part, knew how to sow. Everyone was kind of familiar making pieces. And I was just sitting there and I was like Woah. I was considering transferring out of the program. Once I taught myself how to, things went well.

3. How long have you been working on fashion design?

For about two years.

4. What is it like to be one of the only men in the fashion design program?

One of three males in the program. 17 kids in total. I went to New York Fashion Week. I was the only male there. I guess in today’s society becoming more equal, it's defiantly like interesting it's like I’m the minority now but if anything it's kind of cool cause I’m this underdog. So I have the advantage in a way, that I’m the underdog so no one sees and no one is watching and no one expects this kid to do something that will stand out. It helps me ten times better. I think being an underdog makes it easier.

5. How long does it take to make a product?

For example for the fashion show, I did last semester for FABS, which is this on-campus fashion show. I completed 16 pieces in total. 2 being dresses. For that at least I was doing this whenever I had free time. Any moment I had I would do like ten minutes on the pieces. For the most part, I spent around like 20 hours maybe a little more on that whole collection for the show. Each bag usually takes around an hour to do from start to finish, an hour and a half maybe to make sure it's a perfect perfect piece. But I know the fastest I’ve done was thirty minutes. Maybe less which was a test result.

6. And what was that for?

It was just for fun. I wanted to see how fast I could do it. It took me thirty minutes

7. Where do you get the materials for products?

When I first started I was just buying fabric from fabric stores. Honestly, the start to go nothing crazy. And then once I got back to school for my second year, my professor gave me all his scrap materials. And that started getting me thinking more about being sustainable. And what I been trying to do is just using scraps. So for my last clutch, I did with Pop Cycle in Syracuse, all the bags use scrap materials. Little to no purchases made for the materials, everything was just scraps that I found in rooms, around the warehouse where the old fabric was. I had a lot of stuff from Italy that was supposed to be thrown out, leathers that were from Spain collecting dust in a furniture store I collected it. Just anything I can get.

8. What is the process like to make the pieces?

Right now I’m working on pieces that are for the next fashion show which I’m planning on doing in April and for the show the theme is sustainability. I started to see what I wanted to do with sustainability. Cause that’s such a big topic. You can either do a dress out of bottle caps or like taking ur old fabric. Instead, I wanted to go with a different approach making everything wrong but in a way right. I took a kitchen carpet and then turned it into a skirt with buttons. Once I figured out the ideas I started creating new ones. Like I found ripped bags and tuned it into a skirt. Everything around me I used and using my environment to make stuff. Then from there, I make patterns. So I take paper and I trace out what the piece is going to make a sample out of some cheap fabric and once it's all good I make the real piece. For the bag at least I would make random bags and would take my best ideas from the bags and mix and matching the pieces to see which one looks best.

9. How did you start selling clothes?

For my bags, I sold them through Instagram and word of mouth. And that’s just because I was really educated on how to sell stuff. So I would tell people to post my bags on their Instagram and I would give them a free bag that cost me 10 dollars to make but I would sell them for 50. So I was making money that way and it came to be that in the following weeks I was getting random DMs from people asking if they could buy my stuff. It was awesome.

10. Have you had any challenges so far, if so what were they and how did you face them?

I would say definitely the choice. In the beginning, I was questioning if this industry was for me. Because I was struggling with the major. Then I figured out that it takes time and work and you can’t bullshit. You got to just do the work and put in the time. Then towards the end of my freshman year, I was reading books about fashion. I read four books about different things. One was a military general about being on top of shit, the other book was on menswear, a book on bags and then a book on sales and business. I did this on purpose so I can prepare for my challenges and not struggle. I guess the challenges I faced were all problem-solving stuff and I was able to educate myself.

11. How do you stand out in a saturated market such as fashion?

I think I stand out because I’m not doing what everyone else is doing. I’m a firm believer in not following every designer on Instagram. When I design stuff I don’t go on Instagram I don’t get inspiration from the internet. I literally take whats around me and just be like I want to design something based on what u wearing. And then tomorrow I would go back and be like “ I really liked that white strap on Patrick’s jacket let me do something like that. Rather than going on Instagram and being like last week I saw this same design let me also do that. Because then what are u doing? You’re doing nothing. We are at a time where I feel like everything in fashion has done already. It's just how u take what has been done and make it new and what is new is up to you to figure out.

12. What is the purpose behind your brand?

My brand is Treeasun. And I started in the summer of 2019 because I wasn’t trying to make money, I wanted people’s opinions on my brands. Cause you send a picture of your pieces to your friends. They are your friends so they will always say “ Oh it looks great” but that’s not what I needed. You got to get honest opinions, the brutal stuff. At first, I started giving the bags out and seeing what people liked. Then once I figured out what people actually liked. I took that into consideration, tweaked some stuff and started selling them right away. The first month I sold I think 15 of the bags broke and I fixed them and gave them right back. It was a learning experience to see what worked and what didn’t work. It was really just throwing a bunch of stuff out there and seeing what the people like.

13. How do you balance practicing fashion with your other obligations, do you allocate a certain amount of time each week to working on a project out of class? If so, how much time a week do you allocate?

It's funny cause I enjoy it a lot so I get carried away and I end up doing it all day. Like Saturday I was working on a dress due for Monday, then I had a photoshop, which I had to direct, then I had to do other stuff. But I enjoy that type of stuff, but at the same time, it's still a shit ton of work. When I get back to my room I literally don’t do anything. I need ten minutes to get my mind off things and then I’m back to regular programming. In order to do all this designing, I need a break. Especially during Christmas break I literally stayed in my room and played video games and really took my mind off things. It helped me have a fresh mind for new better ideas.

14. Do you have a favorite piece you have designed, if so what is and why is it your favorite?

This piece I did base off this designer named Geoffrey Beene and it was super difficult to make. Even my professor was questioning if I really wanted to do it. Because usually dresses are like 8 pieces of fabric but this dress was about 42-52 pieces. The dress was all curves so it made for the sowing process to be much difficult than any normal dress. I was like I wanted to do this, it's cool. I took the whole theme and design to like a different perspective rather than taking Geoffrey Beene and looking at his designs and copying his designs. I decided to see what he likes and the things he did as a person like how all he wanted was to play with people’s minds. So I decided to go the unconventional look and made a dress based off of scuba diving. I have this new project coming up that might be my favorite. It's a corvette jacket. I like my clothes to help people stand out.

15. Do you see yourself trying to continue with your brand when you are out of school or do you see yourself getting another job in fashion?

I see myself getting another job because I want the experience before I start my own thing. I want to learn as much as I can before I start my design or company. I also want to meet as many people in the industry before I expand on my ideas and share them with the world.

16. If you could give advice to anyone trying to start a business similar to yours or go into fashion design, what would it be?

I say just shoot at your designs. You’re always going to be figuring out what’s good and what’s not. I feel like at the end of the day just do it. Who cares what people think just be yourself and do your thing.

17. If you weren’t studying Fashion Design what would you be studying?

I actually came to school to study business but I didn’t get in. But fashion design was my back up. I was going to play it safe by being a business major because my dad is in business so it was probably the best option.

Yianni Binaris is a second-year fashion design student, who before coming to Syracuse did not even know how to thread a needle. However, in the past two years that has quickly changed. Despite Yianni being only one of three guys in the fashion design program at Syracuse, he is a major representative and has even gotten to experience New York Fashion Week. Over his time in the program, Yianni has dedicated an immense amount of time to improving his skills and in doing so he has been able to sell some of his personality made merchandise known under the brand name Treeasun. Yianni is passionate about continuing with fashion after graduation and growing his brand and skills over the next two years.

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scary-pansexual · 7 years

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So I’ve never actually posted anything on here but i really like @caramoccii 1920′s au @askbangtansound so I decided to write a short fic about it. (Sorry if the characters are a bit ooc)

“Have you guys seen Jin?”

It was the morning and they were going to be opening in a couple of hours and Jimin couldn’t find Jin anywhere.

Yoongi shook his head, “Nah sorry kid, Have you asked RM? He’s probably with him.” To which Hoseok started to giggle. “What’s so funny?”

“It-It’s just, be careful asking him, if you hear noises then you know Jin’s in there.”

Yoongi sighed and Jimin looked down slightly. “Yeah I’ll be careful, thanks.” He said and started heading to RM’s bedroom.

Getting to the door, he went with Hoseok’s advice and listened, after hearing no strange noises he knocked carefully on the door.

“Who is it?” Jimin heard from the other side of the door. “It’s Jimin,” he called back. Hearing footsteps on the other side of the door, he stepped back slightly. RM opened the door and smiled slightly at him.

“What’s up Jimin is there something wrong?”

“No, at least I don’t think so, is Jin with you? I can’t find him anywhere and we need to get ready.”

RM looked thoughtful for a moment, “well he isn’t here but I think I know where he might be, I’ll go check. You go get ready Jimin.”

“Okay thank you.” Jimin smiled politely before turning around and walking back. RM watched him go and sighed slightly, noticing that Jimin had become a lot more awkward around him. Shaking his head he set off to find Jin.

He found Jin on the rooftop of the Bangtan Sound building, watching the streets below. Watching him for a moment, RM relished in the fact that Jin could look good even with his hair blowing in all directions.

“I sometimes come out here, helps me think.” Jin startled at the new voice, turned around and stood quickly upon seeing who it was.

“Ah RM-“

“Please, Namjoon is fine. Also you can sit, I won’t get angry.” RM-Namjoon said as he walked closer and took a seat beside Jin.

Jin slowly sat back down, “okay Namjoon.” He hated how natural the name felt on his tongue, a name belonging to a man who will soon betray.

They sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, neither of them knowing what to say. Jin kept looking to the younger, quickly tearing his eyes away when he looked back.

Namjoon decided to break the silence, “Jimin is worried about you, and he’s been looking everywhere.”

The elder quickly looked up, “shit I forgot.” He looked down at his hands, “I didn’t realise how long I was up here for, I was planning to go down before everyone woke up but I lost track of time.”

“Are you worried about something?”

“I guess you could say that. Do you ever worry about the future Namjoon?”

Namjoon looked up to the sky. “Sure I do, right now I’m worrying about how I’m going to afford all those new dresses for Hoseok, thanks to someone always ripping them.” With a small smile he looked at Jin, who giggled.

“Yeah those two are really bad. I feel so sorry for you.”

“I think I feel sorrier for you, your room’s right next to theirs. That must be hell.”

Jin barked a short laugh. “It can be quite funny, what with Yoongi’s dying cat noises and Hoseok saying random things in French. It’s sometimes quite the experience.

They both started to laugh freely then. Namjoon realised that Jin’s laughed was stupid and adorable and he wanted to listen to it for the rest of his life.

Falling into a more comfortable silence this time, the both watched the streets. They had somehow moved closer together and their shoulder’s bumped each other occasionally. Neither of them could think of any place they would rather be at that moment, forgetting the world around them.

Jin jumped slightly when Namjoon spoke again.

“I sometimes worry about what would have happened if I had never made Bangtan Sound, if I had never met the others, never met you.” He looked up at Jin and the elder could see vulnerability in his eyes, an emotion he never thought he would see in Namjoon.

“Well, you did. You don’t need to worry about the ‘what if’s as I’m here.” The ‘for now’ was left unspoken and Jin wondered if Namjoon knew, if he knew that he wouldn’t be there forever, if he knew it was only temporary.

If he did, he did not say. Instead he stood up “come, we should head back down. You need to get ready.” He offered his hand which Jin took as he stood up as well. They looked at each other for a moment before letting go and looking away. They headed back down into the building where they found Jimin. Jin left to go get ready; listening to whatever Jimin was telling him. Namjoon watched as he walked away before smiling to himself and leaving to get ready himself.

#namjin #bts #bts 1920s au

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mediumredbullmantra-blog · 7 years

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Have a read (not entirely safe)

Has anyone ever when something very first defined the personality they have today for every situation??? Either way . I’m just gonna share with you a bunch of random times from my life. You may believe it or you may not. It is not all entirely insane but i’ll get there. A little background on my family , cancer, mental disorders ( of extreme means ) , and a few physical disabilities.

So i was gonna start with this sentence ,but also diabetes.

Remember poking people for fun?? Well my family has a fantastic story about that regarding a bus ride home. In their version they came to wait for me to get off the bus . only to find other parents in a commotion. Apparently this 3rd grader wouldn’t quit poking me .So I pulle dhim off the bus and went to town . Now whats funny to all of us is that it took 3 grown men to tear me off the boy. Of course I don’t remember this. What I do remember is that sometime in the near future I decided to walk to my babysitters house . She was honestly alot of fun to be around. We all lived in a trailer park in a town I dont care to mention ( and apparently im to lazy to make grammatical corrections) Either way i’m on my way to her house and in the process im skipping rocks because what else do children do? A boy on the right was standing at the bottom of his stairs and started picking on me . I kept walking and skipping my rocks and as fate would have it one of my rocks knocked him square in the stomach . And I ended up being shoved into a bed of stickers , and may I say that shit sucks big balls like balls you could not fit into any area on your body . So I got up and ran , my entire intention was to get to my house. Along the way I found a metal pipe and why wouldn’t I pick t up? There was no logical reason in my mind not to beat the kid with it. So I grabbed it and ran back towards him and from there I broke his nose and bruised a couple ribs. In my mind he deserved it . Shouldn’t have pushed me in the stickers. Next thing I remember my mother and I heard a knock on the door and i kept screaming I didn’t do it. But of course I did. Ya’ll kids are dangerous when cornered. my mom answered the door and there is the boy along with his dad and his other kids. His sisters kept laughing sayinmg o she whooped his ass . But the dad happened to be the landlord , so like slumlords go there were consequences.

That is the first time I remember getting in a fight. The first time I saw 4 cop cars ever in my life was again in the near future. So my uncle grabs me from school and decides to take me to the store with him so I could get some candy . Well we were gone longer than expected. when we got home My mom my grandma everyone is running around yelling my name cops are searching and my uncle just starts dying laughing . When we parked my mom punched the shit out of him for not telling her. They all thought I was taken. But of course me and my uncle thought it was funny. ( although kidnapping happens all the time and is no joke)

Later in my life I was playing tetherball having a blast and I got hit in the face that is the first time I have ever felt uncontrollable anger. Of course I knew it was an accident, but I definitely did not let that go . I charged the kid and we smacked on the concrete jarring us both and again went to town. All of this has a point .

At age 7 I kicked my doctor in the shin , because they asked me if I wanted medicine . I had just been diagnosed with adhd and was not having it.

Again at age 7 I bit a cop in the leg. Now I’m not saying it was justifiable i’m just saying that he wasn’t going to take the person he was trying to take. So I latched on. The person in my family tells me a story later in life about how when they got to the station the officers asked what happened because his leg was bloody. one officer automatically jumps up and asked if he needs help escorting this person . The officer then says no it wasn’t them , officer number asks then who was it. A seven year old he says and of course they all get a kick out of it . ya’ll cops keep us safe and I understand that we feel like we wil never get our family back sometimes but i’m also suggesting unless you are an adorable 7 year old just do what your told.

I guess being 7 was a big year for me. I found a frozen squirrell , always was at the skating rink , first motorcycle ride and also the very first time I learned as a girl what it felt like to be racked. My bright idea was to balance on a metal railing 3 ft off the ground when it was raining. i mean I was bored . Either way I slipped and let me explain it this way. very simply I puked everywhere and could not walk. I had a pelvic bruise for days.

Well lucky me that passed before I got my bicycle. Or so I thought. Two instances in that same year resulting in injury. Once very little but handle bar jammed into my stomach scraping it but no bleeding I was winding but the only thing left of that still today is a circle spot on my tummy that never gets dark Its the whitest part of my entire body .

The next I was riding over to my babysitters again but as fate would have it I drop my juicy fruit over the side of the bridge that divided both parts of the trailer park. Well I was going to hits my brakes but instead pushed forward. The next thing i see is the bridge from 8 feet down on a concrete slab and my shoes a somewhere no clue where and my socks stuck in the barbwire and I realize i can’t move my right leg. I manage my way out of the creek and my pastor took me back home and i made me way inside until my uncle was told to take me to the hospital and to add insult to injury there were only three steps in front of the door. My leg decides to fully lock and I fac eplant in the gravel and what does my uncle do ? laughs because what else are you supposed to do when a kid busts ass. We get to the hospital and he jacks my wheel chair and disappears.

That’s all the randoms i’m gonna give for now my hands are tired soif anyone reads this enjoy I hope it made you laugh and Hope you take the little bits of advice. And i apologize if the sentence structure bothers you I dont want to fix it anyhow.

#childhood accidents uncles disorganizedfamily life funny listen enjoy random lifestory

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imcomingback · 6 years

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The Confessions of a Broken, but Healing, Man

What's this!? Two updates in one week?

This one is probably going to be what the last one should have been; less ranting and more actual relevance to my current situation. Probably. At least that's what I'm aiming for. Sometimes I go off on random tangents though. And by sometimes, I mean often.

So, I inquired with HR at my company and straight up told them that I have struggled with depression for a long time and have had trouble with the motivation to figure out how to get help. I kind of regretted being that up front since I have this constant paranoia that admitting my struggles to someone in such a position will result in my health insurance being more expensive or even the company thinking I'm too much of a risk and laying me off or something.

But, I'm pretty sure that's just me being stupid. So, I asked them to help me with the process. They gave me a phone number for the insurance folks. Super personal touch. But hey, they at least included a line that was something like "I hope things improve." I at least tried to take the first step! We'll see how Future Geoff handles the next one. It's funny, I say "Future Geoff" sort of sarcastically, but it's not really a joke. I often feel like I have split personalities. Talley says that that's not the case at all and she has a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I'm inclined to believe her. But I don’t know, I have this constant voice in my head telling me bad things; that I suck, that I'm a failure, that I'm a burden... That I should give up. A lot of my days seem to come down to a battle between me and the asshole within.

At this point, I want to give a shoutout to my friend Roberta, who, years ago, gave me the best piece of advice I've ever heard. We all do self-talk, and we're all overly-harsh with ourselves I think, but Roberta told me that when you're critiquing yourself, imagine that you're talking to a friend and not yourself. We're all so much more rude to ourselves than we would ever be to someone we care about. If Talley or Greg or Dylan or John or any of my other friends - even River or Bane - ever came to me and said that they felt like they sucked or they were lame or whatever, I would be so freakin' supportive to the point of being forceful probably. But when I'm talking to myself, Sad Geoff says something like that and Angry Geoff just responds "Yeah. You're right. You fucking suck and you know it." But, since I got that advice, I've managed to break through more often and instead have a third voice that says "No, hey. Stop. You're doing fine." Sometimes it gets drowned out, lately it's been getting overpowered, but I know to at least let it speak. So to get back to the main point, from like five paragraphs ago, no I probably don't have split personalities. We all do self-talk and we're all very harsh on ourselves. But I'm so mean to myself that it spawns those thoughts that I legitimately have two personalities. It's sort of a scary idea, but at the same time it would almost be comforting if it was true; then it wouldn't really be "me" saying the terrible things to myself.

Anyway, these are all things that I'm sure I'll get to flesh out when I eventually figure out the therapy thing. Shoutout to my last therapist for definitely helping me, but we were never in a "traditional," or perhaps cliche therapy environment where I'd get to just vent these kinds of concerns. So, that's where I am right now. I told you guys that I would try my best to be positive, but I also promised to be honest. This is more the latter. I've been feeling very run down the last few weeks. I guess that's what happens when you have, like, four different enormous events at the start of your summer and then nothing for months. I got to see an amazing person in one of my best friends, Matt, get married to an amazing person in Maritza while also seeing the amazing city of Boston in April.

I got to spend a week fulfilling a longtime dream of visiting Seattle, riding the Great Wheel with the love of my life, hiking to the waist-deep snows of Mt. Rainier, and overall falling in love with a region of the country that I had always been infatuated with from afar, in early May.

I got to watch two of my best friends ever in John and Emily tie the knot in the place we all met, Ripon College (which did not at all restrict a 9/11 memorial) in late-May. And I got to head across the pond and see Buckingham Fucking Palace, Winchester Fucking Abbey, the Fucking Royal Observatory, the Thames, and FUCKING Wimbledon and FUCKING Serena Williams in June/July.

So, naturally, the months after that spree were going to feel shitty. But the thing is that today felt good at first. I woke up, I worked, I got the cats to sort of tolerate each other through the bribes of food and treats, and then I was productive as hell at work. I even helped out with a story in actual Milwaukee and not just the suburbs which helped to make me think that maybe my more experienced co-workers wouldn't just think of me as a dead-weight millennial who is clearly next on the chopping block for layoffs. Everything was good. And then, a bunch of little things happened. The cats started fighting, the day got less productive, I randomly saw myself in the mirror and thought I had gained weight, and my friends and I got into some pointless argument that ended up actually resulting in legitimate anger. So, when Talley came home, while I had been a bubbling fountain of positivity at 3 p.m., she found a husk of a human playing "Fortnite" and not even being mad, but being just sad and dejected with every death. It's amazing how quickly moods can turn. Or at least how quickly mine can. But, I did find that while other things turned and made me upset, the fact that I had at least been productive work-wise today sustained me through the other strife. No, I wasn't happy. But I was okay. The self-talk; the voice, tried to talk shit. But I had a solid rebuttal this time. The moral of this story is how quickly a small thing can change the mood of a person as insane as me. Does that sound harsh? I don't care, I'm willing to own it: I'm insane. Anyone who legitimately thinks about throwing themselves off of a bridge is insane. The natural priority of any living being, whether it be a human with mental struggles, a gazelle fleeing from a cheetah, a fly fighting to break free from a spider's web, or a cat hissing at another cat in a one-bedroom apartment, is to survive. And so to legitimately defy that natural instinct and consider destroying your own survival? That is certainly insane.

The Brewers beat the Cubs at least, and Talley and I ate pizza and wings for dinner. So the night ended well. Overall, here's the summary of the last few weeks and this entry which ended up being (Sorry) just as cringey, awkward, negative, and rant-filled: We have a long way to go. 7 weeks ago, when I pledged to you guys that I was coming back, I meant it. I still do. But it's going to be a harder and longer road than I expected. I thought that I could rally, fight, and sort of just get back to the happy-go-lucky person I was as a kid... No such luck. But I will get back. I promise that I'm trying. I promise. And I've never tried harder at any single thing in my entire life. Be patient with me; I'm still coming back.

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