#but its enough to destroy me since im already in a bad mood. due to the heater (hence the fact that i was hitting it over and over) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saveloadreset · 7 years

Note

sorry. what's the proof that chara and gaster were alive at the same time? i've never seen anyone talk about this before. Nobody in the larger theory world and gaster fandom talks about when gaster was alive and when chara was alive being the same. but i'm no good at my own theories, i just follow other people's theories. And im used to theories outside of theory mainstream, like gaster having horns or sans being a dead human, being crap. so i was overly wary and hostile. plus was in a bad mood.

Oh man, I remember that horn theory, it was so bad!

I understand your hesitance, but I think that this is a more grounded theory. I hope I’ll be able to convince you. For clarification, our anon is asking …

WHY I BELIEVE GASTER AND CHARA WERE CONTEMPORARIES

Part One: Gaster

The first thing we must do to build this theory is to try to figure out when exactly Gaster had his accident. We don’t know much, just that he had to have made the CORE sometime before he fell into his creation. It’s my thought that, because he built the CORE, he was likely present while the monsters colonized the rest of the underground after leaving what would become the RUINS.

My reasoning being; NEW HOME itself appears to be built on top of the CORE, and deeply reliant on the power its process generated to keep running smoothly. So I assume that, before the monsters colonized the Underground, Gaster was fine.

Part Two: Chara

Why does this imply that Chara knows Gaster? On a surface level, perhaps it would be easier to suggest that it does not. After all, the residence of HOME has evidence of one child living there, while NEW HOME has evidence of two.

As you can see, in HOME we have one chair for a child, and in NEW HOME we have two chairs for a child. This does imply quite strongly that only Asriel lived in HOME.

The beds in here seem to suggest the same. But, there’s something odd about this, actually. There’s something that exists in HOME that shouldn’t exist there, unless Chara had already fallen.

You can’t reach the object in HOME, at least not to look at it. There’s a box of shoes in the way. But you can still see it pretty clearly, the picture of a golden flower. Perfect mirror of the one in NEW HOME. The one that Chara drew with their own hands.

Clearly these designs were made to mirror each other, but I’d gently remind everyone that the HOME design was created FIRST, in the demo. Toby always knew that flower was gonna be there. If you assume that the importance of the golden flowers were already known to him … and considering the odd weight those flowers are given, that seems likely … Then that art would HAVE to have come after Chara’s fall.

Could Toriel have come back and hung it up? Maybe, but it feels a little curious, as far as compulsions go, to take a keepsake from a lost child and hang it up in a room that they don’t appear to have slept it. It feels a little more believable to me to think that Chara drew this picture for Asriel, and that he hung it up on his wall, considering how important it is that Golden Flowers never even existed in the Underground before. They could only come from Chara’s imagination.

I take this (among other hints I’ll get too later) to imply that Chara fell and spent some time in the RUINS, but maybe not a lot of time, and maybe they did not spend that time living with the Dreemurrs as their adopted child.

By itself this is piecemeal though. What really made me think of this theory were a few things we learned in Snowdin …

Let’s go back to history class … By which I mean, ‘books, lots and lots of books.’

Here’s what we find in Toriel’s house. Straightforward. Nothing here we didn’t know already. They were afraid of humans, so they retreated. Nothing weird about that. But again, I said Snowdin was what set my brain on fire. What did I learn there?

This appears to be a continuation of the original monster history!

… But why does it say part 4? Parts two and three do not exist, either in game or in the strings. Whatever events led into this, UNDERTALE is being very deliberately mum about it. Even asking the shopkeeper bunny will have her brush it off and jump ahead to when Snowdin was founded. It’s a mystery to everyone.

But we do know the result of Parts 2&3. ‘Fearing humans no longer.’

Monsters went from fearing the retribution of humans terribly to being comfortable leaving the comfort of the RUINS and their defensive door, running up and settling the very EDGE of the barrier. Something took away their fear of humans.

So. Let’s brainstorm. Did they suddenly find themselves unafraid of humans because now they could fight back? I don’t know, it feels like if they had discovered an anti-human superweapon back then, we would have encountered it over our adventures, pacifist or otherwise, and Mettaton is a VERY recent invention.

So. They don’t have tools to stop humans or deal with humans. And yet they don’t fear humans? What could cause this? If humans still have the same destructive power over them, and they can’t circumvent that, what gave them that comfort, that reassurance? Did they think that they could coexist with humans, somehow?

We KNOW that Asgore didn’t think that at first. Gerson makes it very clear that he and Asgore had a very clear idea of what humanity would do to them, given the chance. (Forgive me for not having screenshots of this! I gotta use the strings)

* Long ago, ASGORE and I agreed that escaping would be pointless…* Since once we left, humans would just kill us.* I felt a little betrayed when he eventually changed his mind.* But now, I think…* Maybe he was right to.* ‘Cause after all, even though we never escaped…* A human’s killing us anyway, ain’t that right?

That’s a pretty radical shift in attitude! What could possible cause it? What changed that led Asgore to believe in …

… the future of humans and monsters?

You might think that it’s a little much for me to imagine that the monster history would deliberately include Chara’s story into their chapters. But here’s the thing . .. in a way, they do. There are other chapters of monster history that are less commonly seen.

In the interest of full disclosure, these monster history chapters I am about to show you are NOT accessible from inside the game, and must be accessed through datamining. Therefore, their canon status IS debatable. However, most of the information contained herein is already included as canon in the game, from different sources.

Monster History 5 - Absent

Monster History 6

* (It’s a book labelled Monster History Part 6.)* Unfortunately, monsters are not experienced with illness.* However, when monsters are about to expire of age, they lie down, immobile.* We call this state “Fallen Down.“* A person who has Fallen Down will soon perish.* In a way, this confusing situation was all too familiar.

Monster History 7

* (It’s a book labelled Monster History Part 7.)* When a human dies, its soul remains stable outside the body.* Meanwhile, a monster’s soul disappears near-instantly upon death.* This allows monsters to absorb the souls of humans…* While it is extremely difficult for humans to absorb a monster’s soul.* This is why they feared us.* Though monsters are weak, with enough human souls…* They could easily destroy all of mankind.

Monster History 8

* (It’s a book labelled Monster History Part 8.)* There is one exception to the aforementioned rules:* A certain type of monster, the “boss” monster.* Due to its life cycle, it possesses an incredibly strong soul for a monster.* This soul can remain stable after death, if only for a few moments.

I would give these ‘dead’ entries less credit, were they not almost identical to what we learn of humans and monsters and the story of Chara and Asriel later. It feels like most of the reason that these books do not exist in the world is that there were better ways for Toby to tell this story …

But told like this, if we assume that these entries are reliable to the canon, (and I acknowledge that is up for debate), then we actually have a fairly clear timeline, and can get a firm idea on what the progression of monster history was across these tomes.

1: Monsters retreat into the underground and settle HOME.2&3: Chara arrives.4: Monsters leave and settle the rest of the underground.5: Chara falls ill.6-8: Explanation of the behavior of (dead) human SOULs and SOULs in general.

For these reasons I believe that Chara first fell before the monsters moved out to colonize the rest of the Underground. In fact, I think that Chara may have provided the impetus for that decision.

Conclusion

This is going to be the shortest of the segments, because all this is is about putting the conclusions from the other parts together. If we take the conclusion that A: Chara fell before colonization, and B: Gaster had time to build the core before his accident, then Chara and Gaster were DEFINITELY around at the same time.

What’s more, since Gaster was the royal scientist and Chara was deeply involved with the royal family, it would shock me immensely if the two were not aware of each other.

#anonymous #undertale #chara #gaster #save asks #save analysis #weird hairless goat #theory #long post #meta

130 notes · View notes

survivormarmoreal · 5 years

Text

Episode #4: "I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org" - Brian

So.... BC quit. Don't know why (and I am not gonna enquire, I just know he is hella busy). But ya I don't know what this means going forward but im gonna roll with it. If i'm not flexible, then that is not a good winner. so ya looking forward toi see whatever happens, and if Madigan go to tribal again, all i know is that i will still be safe cause james and I will just get Keaton involved

I’m SHOCKED BC quit because I thought I was going home lmao so now I have no idea what the hell is gonna happen I’m praying we swap tbh so I can meet up with Brian or Bryce who I know sbsbsbs.

youtube

Okay I'm super sad BC quit. They seemed like such a sweetheart. And I always hate to see anybody quit. I'm usually kind of annoyed about quitters but I hope BC is all good and it was just because they were busy... :(

This game has been really good to our tribe. We havent gone to tribal. I have a majority alliance of 4. Everyone is active and does 100% on the challenges. Its been good. Havent had much luck in idol hunt tho so probably someone already found it. Still nervous for the challenge. I want to keep winning but the bad thing in the eyes for the other tribe.

The game is always changing... and someone quitting just shows how quickly everything can change in the game. Plans set forward destroyed... alliances ruined just due to what the game might throw at you at any given time. It’s always scary but you know what... sometimes you gotta look at something bad and say hey let’s test my gameplay a little bit... that is what I’m good at and that is what I plan to do!

So we have swapped. and im not with james. This is hateful huh. first bc quitting today and now this. fuck this. and im with marie and keaton as well. ffs. oh well. time to get socialising and do this shit!

I KNEW A SWAP WAS COMING!!! I felt it deep in my bones. Do sharks have bones? I actually don't think they do. Oh well. I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING. Obviously I'm super nervous now because I was in a great spot before. But luckily I still have my #1 Brian. And Charlie who is a part of my Four of a Kind alliance and he has an idol. Plus Anna and I hopefully can work together like we have in other games. I just hope she trusts me. Ugh and I freaking hope we win this challenge. Because OG Dinah members definitely have a target as the last intact tribe. SO much is going on in my little gay brain.

Okay my brain is going a mile a minute with this swap. I'm reconnecting with Anna. She seems excited to see me and she told me she isn't super close with Jayden or Nick so that's amazing. I told Brian about Charlie's idol. So this is good. We're surviving.

omg so we swapped and im so sad nathan isnt here but thats about it. happy to be away from jayden since he IGNORES me. when i read these after the game im gonna seem so obsessed huh KJDFSHFAKSJD. but anyway. dennis is here and hes one of my fave ppl ever! hes just so nice. we shared idol guesses and i really wanna go to the end with him. matt is pretty cool and we both stan the good place and naomi smalls so i feel like we'll be good allies. marie is a queen and super nice but maybe not super active but we both love ari so yay. naptime maynor isnt really liking my humor JKASDHF but thats ok. and kirby guy is alright too!! nicole seems nice enough if not a little standoffish but hoping for the best :s love this tribe overrall tho and really hoping to avoid tribal

I got ZType for the duels! Blessed. I can do well in this game and I can't be the reason our tribe loses in the RARE chance we do. So i'm feeling okay.

Too annoyed to write too much right now. But yet another org, and yet another swap fuck! Honestly, this is ridiculous. We have three members on either 7 person tribe, and even if we do manage to succeed in surviving another non-dinah is going to replace the voted out member... you can't make this shit up.

I knew the swap was coming. But im with Dennis which is good. He has some connections with Bryce and Nicole so hopefully they work with us. Keaton is also here like oh Boi. 👀 going to see if he wants to work with me this time. Having him around could help me in this game.

James quits by leaving the server and ignoring everyone.

https://gph.is/1neigCU my mood at my initial alliance members both qutiing time to die?

Ok so Klick quit which is kinda upsetting cuz I was grinding tf outta that challenge and I lowkey played a game with him about a year and a half ago and kinda wanted to reconnect. BUT Nathan is now on the tribe which is like the nest possible scenario. Also we have Anna so hopefully we have an easy majority. Also I assume Dennis has began running the game over on the other tribe because he is great and will probably end up voting me out at f9 or something. But YAY F14 IM NOT OUT YET ANSNSKDKLZLXKC

MY IMPACT? I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org to save Charlie from doing Multitask and then James had a fit because he got it and was sleeping so he couldn't pick... I... can't believe how I'm WINNING this game? Anna, I hope you get my winner's crown READY because I'm doing the damn thing! I am sorry I made him quit because I didn't think he would kjHDAJK... but wow...

Although I am in the minority right now based on tribal lines, Nathan is someone I've wanted to work with for like eons, and I feel so much more comfortable with him on my tribe than James and letting Annabelle hold my fate in her hands. I think I have an upward battle, but I know Charlie has the idol and will warn Sharky in the case I need Charlie to use it on himself. The two from my OG tribe I got stuck with is by far the only two from Dinah that I would go out of my way to protect in this game and knowing Charlie has the idol... ugh... I don't even have to DO anything and tea gets served to me. Love Sharky.. love Charlie.. love Nathan... can't wait to thrive in this game now!

So the swap, i thought would have been really bad for us original dinah people but so far it looks like we might pull through. Nicole told by Dennis to me that she is willing to work with us but im a little sketch because she hasnt really responds to me exept like one message and then it stops. Im trying to get info from keaton and see if he wants to work with me. I have to keep an eye on him cuz he’s messy af. 👀 I think we could be a strong tribe so hopefully we win the next immunity. I rather have my no going to tribal streak going. I need to start talking to our new tribe members as well.

well james left so we got nathan i'm not upset about it i love nathan he's my person this game i think and we swapped with sharky on the tribe and i just played with sharky and we're in majority so things are really looking up here for me tbvh i feel like sharky might want to get rid of one of my OG tribe people but we'll see how it goes.

This game is weird man. I was so ready to play 2048, but Kirby Boi #2 was a quitter, so now I'm not playing 2048, both people I trusted QUIT, and Dennis is on my tribe. I am going to lose really soon. But hopefully I can find an in on my tribe and survive.

youtube

i just want an advantage. but oh so now 4/5 of my tribe is together and im just here.. love that! not sarcastic!! miss nathan tho! so far clicking with dennis still and naptime. hes a true carly rae jepsen fan i asked his fave and he said sour candy which is like (bad) but not well known so he must actually like her!! nicole left me on read.. love that! sarcastic!! and yaa wooh loving the new tribe that guy who quit bc of multitask kind of a flop but go off now im closer to merge!

This morning finding out that James was removed was suprising. It sucks cuz i was enjoying doing the ztype. I got to 7,100 which i think its good but idk if it actually was. But im ready for this challenge and hopefully we could win in it. Definately dont want to go to tribal.

Okay Nathan is AMAZING. I love him. And I'm totally going to work with him for sure. i'm so glad he didn't flop. And Honestly I'm glad James quit so that I could work with Nathan. This lip sync challenge is going to be silly. I offered to do the editing which honestly is a big undertaking but I like to be in control and It's definitely going to paint a target on my back but if we win it'll be so great.

OMG SO FUN CHALLENGE THAT I HATE WOOH. i love this but i hate it. idk. i REALLY dont want to do a queen song so i pretended to not know who they are NNN but all that caused was my tribemates shading me... and its like... matt says beyonce is just "ok" and i need to listen to real music.??? just say u hate women and go. JK. maybe. but ANYWAYS. love dennis still and naptime is so funny love his pins! nicole left me on read some more so i sent her demi lovatos GET BACK music video and she finally responded with two 5 word msgs and ghosted again so um really loving that! kirby guy also doesnt reply a lot but thats ok totally loving only talking to 4 ppl!

youtube

edit: quitters are shitters

Our song is Dont stop me now by queen which is awesome. I just need to find the time to work on it later today or tomorrow morning but have an idea what imma do so thats good. Still talking to keaton but no game talk it. Hopefully soon because im still feeling sketch on this tribe. I dont wanna get voted out pre-merge. *knocks on wood* ✊🌳

Making the video was really fun. Had more fun and felt more comfortable after making the ones before were i wasnt as comfortable. This is one of my fav comps now. Cant wait to see how it turns out.

UM?? I'm CACKLING?? So Sharky showed me the clips he got from Nick and Jayden, and I'm just so confused how straight men get any sort of action when they're as stiff as them? I mean I guess they're not ugly so that probably helps, but neither of them are good at using a camera... So I'm just SO ...

I have nothing else to talk about other than how fucking STIFF the straight men are in their lip sync videos, so whew... love visibility…

worst comp for me ever like i was fine doing 2048 i could have probably helped with that but like a music video? YIKES that's not my thing at all i didn't know what to do or what to help especially since i'm so not gonna get on camera >.< i hate being useless if we lose like ugh lmfao

Okay so this challenge was...a disaster. I asked everyone to just do the song and then I'd make it look good with editing. That didn't work out. And I had more trouble editing than i thought. I feel like I dropped the ball and I'm not sued to being someone holding my tribe back. I tried to hide our bad lipsyncers. Charlie got sick. And something happened in the rush of uploading it that gave me a weird crop and a couple of cuts that I screwed up but I ran out of time. I'm feeling really disappointed in myself.

Okay we lost. This sucks. two of the judges called out the edit/effort specifically so that doesn't feel great. But I'm going to look at this as a positive. Maynor and Dennis stay safe on the other tribe. And Now I can use this to make some real connections and alliances on this tribe. Like Chad Michaels I will rise from the ashes and be the gayest winningest phoenix you have ever seen.

Ok so me Nathan and Nick should really stick with Annabelle. Easy majority makes easy game which makes happy Jayden

So we lost the challenge, but I don't feel too... bad about that. I mean if I go home, clearly I fucked the fuck up and felt too confident... but I think that I feel... good?

Firstly, thank you to the judges for recognizing my SNAP in the lip sync. I wasn't sure they were going to do my rap in the challenge, so I'm glad it was in there hehe... Now... going to tribal is a part of the game and the strategy has been lacking up till now, so I'm excited to jump in and finally explore that part of the game. It'll be a nice start to my resume, following accidentally make James quit LMFAO.

Right now, I think I'm in a solid spot. Nick said he wouldn't vote for me and I mean.. we haven't talked much, but I expect him to not lie for no reason... and I'm going to make sure to increase our conversation and expand on what HE wants to happen to just have that tea under my belt. I think Jayden is who I would like gone, and I think I'd be able to gather the votes to get that to happen. It's not like I have anything against him personally, but I just feel it's hardest to talk to him because him and I are not alike from what I've gathered. I'm the uber gay and for the uber gay and the Travis Scott fanboy to get along? Would be shocking.

I like Annabelle and Nathan a lot and I don't think they'd throw votes for me. I have my little final 2 deal going on with Nathan, but highkey I don't think I'd keep him as my #1 over Marie, if I get to the point where I meet with her, so I have no problem cutting him or Annabelle in the future. I do think it'd be better to work WITH them, especially for now, and I think they feel similar sentiments, but I don't know for sure!

But now we come to the real people I would like to protect going into this vote, Charlie and Sharky. I love my OG Dinah babies so much, and I will make sure their names aren't the targets of this vote. I think Sharky has set himself up well, and since he told me Charlie has the idol, I think we should especially be OK. I also think Annabelle and Nathan seemingly want to work with us, so .... whew...

ALSO, this is a mid-confessional update, but 2 alliances were formed. We have the "Tea Party" alliance with Sharky, me, and Nathan (the gays) and then the "Dinah Dudes" alliance with Charlie, Sharky, and me (OG Dinah's) and then I think another sub-alliance with the "Tea Party" and Annabelle is coming to fruition, so kjHDKAS... ya... I think I'm SET. I can't wait to wreck shit!

youtube

So we swapped tribes and here I am with 3 from my original tribe, 3 from the other tribe and Bryce from the third tribe. Bryce and I know each other, and by that I mean I just blindsided him another org... oops! Hopefully he doesn’t come after me but who knows because I literally did not participate in this challenge at all! We still won though so hopefully I’ll get to redeem myself in the next one

My arms are SORE from pulling all my best Freddie Mercury moves out for this lip sync, I am SO tired. But I honestly am so glad i gave my 100% effort because I truly needed to pull through for this tribe and show them I’m not just a sitting duck. (Is that the term? Idk.)

Either way I’m glad we all got to bond through this and here’s to being safe ANOTHER round (I’ve never gone to tribal so wooooo!)

i want an IDOL or sth. but um dennis is so fun love that man. always asks daily to work with me. like idk how many times i have to tell him that he is literally the only person on this tribe to pm me first without me having to (NOT EXAGGERATION). marie and matt? no reply from marie in like 30 hours and matt hasnt been talking to me since i said idk queen. kirby guy? replies with 1 word answers and taste in music offends me NNN. nicole? who. all she does is ignore me and like somtimes she replies and ill reply in the SAME LIKE 10 SECONDS, and she'll just leave me on read JKADSFHAKSJ. comes back like 9 hours later with no reasoning on why she stopped talking and with just a "hi", and thats if im lucky! idk i hope we swap soon or merge. like the whole preswap i was praying for a swap to find some good allies bc all i had was nathan really, and now i just have dennis. maybe by merge ill have a whole 3 allies??? oh wait theres um maynor hes cool i always have to pm him first but hes at least responsive and can hold a conversation! black bear diner goes off and i WILL be eating there the next time in houston

We lost, which was hardly surprising when I saw the other tribe's video lol. So now it's not looking good for us dinahs... but luckily I have the idol up my sleeve hehe. Gonna tell Brian and Sharky so that we can use it to save us…

I was so happy that we won immunity. Stil feeling a little sketch on this tribe. Injust hope that the vote isnt charlie, brian, or sharky. And especially sharky cuz he’s my duo. Now dennis, nicole, and i are the only 3 to not go to tribal yet. Its pretty awesome amd kinda scary.

https://youtu.be/BfzG9xjtCRw

Down with the straights! I still think Jayden is going, but if Charlie ends up going I'm JUMPING because that means I've been lied to by people that want to claim to be my final 2... I do trust in Jayden going but we shall SEE!

So the tribe lost and I’m a bit nervous because I’ve only heard one name... I would have loved to saved my idol until I needed it but I think it’s very likely my name could be the second one going around... we shall see what happens though.

Ugh okay so I was hoping for a simple easy vote. But as usual there is just a little bit of drama. Nick told Anna/Nathan that he has a legacy advantage to be used at F13/F6 which is trash because that means if we lose next time he'll use that and be safe. But if we vote him out he'll gift it to Jayden and we have the same problem. Plus Charlie is wigging out because he has a bad feeling about the vote, which is totally fair because he isn't talking very much. And Nick told Anna her name got thrown out which is just untrue. This is just kind of messy and not in a cute way.

Jayden is voted out 5-2.

#episode #allmadhere

0 notes

manders583 · 7 years

Text

I been thinking... like always.

I always say that to me there are no such things as flaws... they are traits. The 2 things I hate about me the most and always have hated is my anger and my abandonment issue. I hate it so much because my anger I genetically get from my father and my abandonment issue is because of my father. He has really mentally fucked me up AND he is the reason why I have Bipolar 2. This combo is horrible. Do you know how hard it is to control my moods!!!

Since 7th grade I have been working on myself. I have said this in the past but I have been depressed since than all the way up till.... idk a year and a half ago. Dont get me wrong I do slip but how I handle it is SOOOO much better. I been working so hard on myself because I don’t want to be him. I never grew up with him and barely ever talked to him YET I am his twin. I am genetically like him. It makes me hate myself. I am not always a angry person, it actually takes a lot of it to come out ESPECIALLY to the people I love like who im dating... well its kinda only them. They are the only people I don’t get mad at and can take A LOT to make me snap and the reason for that is I can never hurt someone I love, the thought of it kills me.

Last year when I got my surgery done 2 days after he came to my house to visit me... and he had blood all on his pants. He literally got so mad at his wife that he DESTROYED his house. Threw chairs into the walls, left holes, bloodied his knuckles. His anger is way worse than mine but I used to be like that. Till I controlled it. Not only was he like that he insulted me saying why its taking me so long to graduate because its expensive and I should of just went to a cheaper school and I slowly got up since I couldn’t cause of surgery and went up stairs and cried.

Yesterday when I finally talked to my ex, WHICH I WAS RIGHT THAT WE NEEDED TO TALK (you need to start listening to me more), and it got to the point where I asked why don’t you like me anymore and its mainly do to my anger and being so pushy to talk, I almost cried. My heart snapped. I knew I was already like my dad because of my anger but not its legit the 2 things I hate most about me that I been trying so damn hard to control. I never in my life wanted to yell at her, ever! She is the one person I always said I would take the blame to keep peace with because to me she has always been worth it. I rather just suck it up and apologize to her than fight and argue and yell. This time I couldn’t do it. Between her anger for the past month and her not listening to me or believing me at times I snapped so hard and she got the nice end of it too because normally I am worse. When I get ignored its such a huge trigger to my anger and I always tell people to not ignore me! I warn everyone! I like to talk things out too so when that doesn’t happen not only do I get mad but than my anxiety kicks in and my abandonment issue everything just goes together. Ignoring people never solves anything. At least say “I am pissed right now let me cool off and talk to you tomorrow” like why cant people do that... Why cant I do that! Its so simple and my therapist told me to do that a year ago. Me and my ex were both so angry, it was both of our faults and honestly anger was not faltering on her either. I mean I wont lie she is mad sexy when angry at other people but when angry at me I hated it! It was a huge turn off to be ignored and yelled at even when I wasn’t even yelling or anything.

I never meant to be so pushy but I had so many fears. My abandonment issue is due to the fact that my father was in and out of my life over 10 times. From birth up to 3rd grade he has left me... literally almost all 10 times and my parents got a divorce when I was in 1st grade... When I went to spend time with my father at his new GF place, cause he cheated, I was always placed in the basement to play Spyro, or they gave me legos. He never spent time with me. I have a memory where we went to walmart and his gf had 3 or 4 older kids in their teens, he bought them stuff but wouldn’t buy me anything. When I needed a new bike he wanted to give me one of the girls old bikes to me than just buy me one. He also kept vanishing than coming back. Eventually I had enough and I was either in 2nd or 3rd grade I told my mom I don’t want to see him anymore because I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I haven’t seen him from 3rd grade all the way up to my senior year in h.s. he randomly showed up at a volleyball game.

When I date someone, this is why I give them my full attention, this is why I try so damn hard because my father never tried. He never made an effort he just left! I told myself I will never just leave and I will try. If you are worth it I will try so hard and it comes off as being pushy. I wish I had someone making that great of an effort for me but everyone just leaves. I get pushy and I cant do space when in arguments or being ignored because I am scared they wont come back. I am scared they wont make that effort. I am scared for another person that I love to just vanish and not try especially when they mean the world to me.... like my ex.

I honestly never feel worth it, no one tries and when people see my value it means nothing. People chase the toxic people that they shouldn’t have instead of the person right in front of them thats worth gold. I am very rare, I am not perfect but god will I do anything for you if I love you. When it comes to my ex it sucks because we were so damn good for each other and still are.

I get so pissed off about the fact that so many people lied to me and the one person who didnt was my ex. Because of all those people and well the fact my ex ignored me, we had so much more anger that was not necessary. Obviously not all my actions were okay. She is right, I shouldnt of went to her ex without know ing the truth but I also shouldnt of been ignored.

The thought of all this pushing us further away and more into the friendzone actually kills me. People at work always say how cute we are, how happy we made each other, people thought we would be together for a long time and so did I. When I try to ignore all this anger and hate and miscommunication that has happened and I remember her for her, I just, idk nothing changes. I still love who she is and I always knew who she was. I miss what we were. It gave me a lot of strength, I felt like a power couple. Sometimes I get convinced that shes my other half lol! The way our life lines up is just so weird. I always thought that and this time I meant it. When I look at her I literally see warmth, I see bright colors. We have the weirdest things happen to us at the same time and the fact that we are so alike but so different in all the right ways. idk maybe I am thinking too much and I can easily let the bad go and remember how my heart originally felt months ago. I can easily rebuild but shes the type who runs when she gets hurt or runs when she gets scared. Idk what it is about her, maybe its just I love her soul too much, I love how she made me feel, maybe its because I can easily let down my walls but sadly she cant and I wish she could. Also shes so damn stubborn!

A year and a half ago my other ex and I broke up and we got into a huge fight cause she was fucking crazy and I snapped, and I didnt hold back because I was tired of her lies and manipulation. At the end of the conversation she goes “good luck finding a GF when you act like that” and right now it has been echoing in my head. Because she is right.... I lost someone special because of my anger, because I slipped. How can anyone love me. I feel like no one can handle my 2 flaws. I feel like no one can even understand them! If you can understand it, it wont bother you as much, you will hurt but you will understand. Like when my recent ex bailed on me 4 times before we even hung out I understood, I was so hurt and I cried but I understood because I know how anxiety works and I knew she felt bad. I want people to understand me! I want people to know I never mean anything in a bad way, I am working on myself, and sometimes I need help. I just dont want someone to leave me because I slipped. I can handle space when nothing is wrong, I can handle my ex having her own time or a girls night or w.e. but when its space because she is mad, or ignoring me I freak out because I get scared, I dont want her to leave or vanish like my father did. I just want to talk it out and considering I am a Libra thats very rare.

I just hate myself I hate how all this happened!!! I hate how something amazing was ruined! I always think well what if this didnt happen what if she didnt still love her ex when we dated what if she finally got over her and we got back together because we are so amazing and god we look so cute together. I hate the what ifs but damn she literally is the only person that I would go back to even after all this shit! Because I know who she is and I love all those small things about her. I mean I literally know her better than she knows herself and I love everything... except the ignoring! That I can do without.

I just hate all this and I hate how other people could of ruined our chances and I hate how I slipped. Now I just look like a dumb asshole who yells a lot and will push u around. Thats the last thing I want to do and honestly because of my flaws this is why I didnt want children of my own. I dont want them to be like me or my father. People have no idea how much these flaws bother me. I am just ready to cry because it harmed someone I love so much and did damage. Thats the last thing I wanted with us.

0 notes