#but this kind of shit is unforgivable to me. i've had bad experiences with a friend turning out to be a pr*shipper | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mundanesalad · 5 months

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for the violence ask game: 3, 16? >:) (for any fandom)

[Choose Violence ask game] I chose to give some different examples. For variety.

3: screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

Ok. This one will take some time to think about and I want to come up with a few different examples because i've been on this hellsite for so long. And the thing about tumblr is that "you curate your own experience" so its really easy to NO WAIT I CHANGE MY MIND THE WORST TAKE I EVER SAW WAS FROM THE USSR FANDOM "Jews weren't persecuted in the USSR and everything you've heard about the pogroms was USamerican propaganda" which is just straight up wrong and historical revisionism.

Disco Elysium: Every single absolutely noteworthy bad discopost has been from the subreddit, which i do not look at. Therefore the only infamous tumblr take I can remember are the terfs who say nobody can be trans in Revachol. I think they should take a long walk off a short plank.

Guilty Gear: I see frequent bad takes from both the fandom and the fighting game community side of GG, but nearly all that shit is on twitter and reddit. (I'm not kidding when i say the GG subreddit has some of the worst moderation I've ever seen on a game subreddit. It's all shitposts and you cannot find any helpful information there. I can and WILL complain about horrible twitter takes all the time.) Anyway theres a gg confessions tumblr (i will not link it but its not hard to find) is an entertaining trainwreck. The worst take I saw there was "Sol, Jack-o, and Asuka would be the best polycule ever!" which is like. You had to have engaged with the story enough to come to that conclusion but you used absolutely zero brain cells in that thought processing. No critical thinking skills. You saw some pretty people on a screen and shipped them without listening to anything they were saying. (TL;DR One of Sol's defining characteristics throughout the entire series is that he wants to kill Asuka and not in a "hot rivalry way" but in a "you deeply and unforgivably betrayed my trust and bodily autonomy and that's not even the tip of the iceberg" kind of way.)

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: [Long, drawn-out pantomime of opening a bottle of whiskey, pouring a generous amount into a glass, and downing it in one go] It's not worth talking about in public.

16: you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Disco Elysium: To put it lightly, I do not think Kim would have anything more than a mere tolerance for Jean.

Guilty Gear: Everyone is wrong about Faust except for me and my friends. I'm writing this 30k word fanfic, and oftentimes I think "Is my characterization of Faust too serious? Am I making him too solemn? Like yeah, his combat is silly but otherwise he's very straightforward when he speaks." and then I look at his story dialogue and think to myself "No. It's the fanon's perception of him that is wrong." ALSO. Anyone saying that his characterization in Strive is "him returning to being a serial killer" will die by my hand. Regardless of his uncanny appearance now, mentally that's the best he's ever been in the whole franchise. FUcking fight me on it. I'll 214s->PRC->236h* your ass.

Fallout: The Legion do NOT get a pass because they "allow gay men"!!!!!!!

(* teleport on top of you and give you a haircut. I'm not kidding that's what that combo does.)

Thanks Yarrow! This took me too long.

#ask game #oh fuckin lird

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jupitercomet · 2 years

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I'm sorry, but, I want Bradley to suffer from love for Reader and I don't want Reader to regret it, or apologize for it. I've had enough, I want Reader to make Bradley suffer, I don't care if consciously or unconsciously. My patience with Bradley reached its limit, fuck that man. I can't get mad at Reader for passively dealing with things, but, if I want her to make Bradley suffer, I won't live quietly if that doesn't happen. And when I mean make Bradley suffer, I don't mean him feeling bad for Reader because she's so bad after falling in the freezing water, I mean Reader living her life as if Bradley doesn't exist, sharing her art and dreams with people who really care and her ignoring him.

I really wish they would get divorced or that Reader would get her marriage annulled and go pursue her aspirations and goals with someone who really cares.

I might do an alternative ending when the series is finished where reader leaves Bradley, but for now please enjoy an in-depth analysis of Bradley!

okay so, I want to preface this by saying: BRADLEY' S BEHAVIOR IS NOT OKAY and I'm very proud of you all for saying you wouldn't put up with his shit.

that being said, he's kind of on the other side of the pendulum from reader. much like reader, his behavior did not just come out of nowhere but from his life experiences as well. Bradley Bradshaw looses things— point, blank, period. he lost his father, he lost his mother, he lost full movement of his hand and with it some of his independence, he lost Charlie, he lost his ability to choose who he marries. he looses things.

the reason he and reader have all these issues is because neither of them can be vulnerable with the other. reader keeps it bottled up and Bradley turns it into something easier to let out. every instance Bradley was mean to reader, truly had nothing to do with her, but taking it out on her was easier than honestly asking himself if he was wrong about Charlie, maybe he doesn't love her, maybe he loves reader.

the way Bradley treats reader is unacceptable and needs to be addressed, but I think it needs to be addressed with the mindset that Bradley is not a bad person. Bradley doesn't want to be a bad person. to me Bradley is the worsts parts of trauma. he's angry and he lashes out and he hates himself and he's too ashamed to apologize and he gets angry at himself because he can't apologize and the cycle continues. he tries to be kind and respectful, tries to not lash out, but the only way he can avoid his trauma, the only way he can get people to stop, is by making them too afraid to speak to him.

the one choice he made for himself, the one choice that was not made for him, was that he loved Charlie and now he's having to give that choice up. that's hard.

Bradley is not evil and he is not unforgivable, he's just someone who deals with trauma the way his surroundings taught him how to. he's someone who can't control his own anger, someone who thinks it defines him, and someone who wonders if maybe that's all he'll ever be.

it is not your job to be a therapist for a Bradley or even put up with a Bradley if it's too much for you. but I think we should all be a little more compassionate to Bradleys. we've probably all been a Bradley at some point.

#oof again sorry about the rant #jtldm— asks #littlemiss-n #what’s up doc

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tsukidrama · 2 years

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Hi, hi, hi, hi! Pink Anon here, guess who has two thumbs and got COVID-19? This girl. Sorry for going MIA for a while there, it was physically draining to even use my phone! I'm cool now, I feel normal, I'm writing again!

I'm really happy you liked my requests! I'm looking forward to seeing them go to he beach and having some sort of picnic, like I've said they really deserve it. I'm not complaining about the spoilers, I'm waiting to see how it all plays out, especially after last chapter. Boy did it ruin me. Specifically this part, "'I’m not taking a break! I’ve been training this whole time,' Annie pleads, terrified." Made me put my phone down and realize just how severe Annie's trauma really is, holy shit. You really managed to capture that fear perfectly, being scared of your parents/an authority figure. It feels different than other fears, I think. I don't have the most experience with it, but with the little bit I do, it really seems accurate and that's what's really heartbreaking about this chapter. Completely destroyed me.

ah, shit. noooo, i remember what it was like to be sick like that. at one point i don't think i moved out of the same spot for 2 days. i'm glad that you seem to be feeling better now at least! i hope everyone close to you is okay, too.

of course dear! i'll likely do an otbp with a picnic relatively soon, and i'll make them go to the beach in the main TRNT story 💘

it never stops hurting. FUCKK ME. Annie is and always has been the queen of repression - and even if she started thinking about her dad differently and in a positive light after she left on her mission, she still spent 11+ years living with him when he didn't give a shit about her. she's got to have complicated feelings about him but she pushes away the bad thoughts and memories because she wants to be loved so badly. she's so tragic,,, i can fix it for u babey.

both of them are perfectly fine with leaving the past in the past but IT MAKES ME SO MAD. don't get me wrong i love Papa so dearly. probably more than a lot of people do tbh, but it also pisses me off that there's been no plot to address all his unforgivable crimes against baby Annie. writing ch 9 was insane because on one hand i was writing through my own tears, but on the other i kind of felt like Papa gets what he deserves :/

on one hand i kind of hate him and i hope he suffers for the rest of his life but also in TRNT he is genuinely a really positive father figure. but it's MEANT to be extremely conflicting, he is hated for good reason. at this point, TRNT Papa really isn't even the same character anymore, but it's also the only version of him that i'm willing to accept.

"'You can rest. You’ve done perfectly,' he says. '...I have?'" OW. I feel like I've seen other people talk about this line, but god does it hurt a lot. Annie questions Papa twice when he tells her to rest, which really shows just how cemented in her head training was. She wasn't allowed to take breaks, so even when he explicitly tells her she doesn't think she can, she doesn't even know how.

IMMMM SSORRRRYYYY i know, i know. that's why he HAD to be the one to go out and calm her down. nothing that reader could've done would've helped no matter how hard she tried, because Papa was the only one Annie needed comfort from right then.

of course she doesn't know what to do -- she's never taken a moment to just rest for her entire life. even whenever she moves out to the cottage she's still bouncing off the walls and constantly finding projects to distract herself with. she runs from her problems until it literally destroys the heart of the home.

there are like 3 different lines during that scene that hit me in the gut every time. basically everything tbh, but especially all of the spoken dialogue. the bit that personally gets me the most is when they both go quiet, then reader peeks around to see that he's crying and struggling to say "i love you." LIKE BITCH. KILL ME NOW. i'm going to eat glass.

Even how the chapter is ended was amazing(ly sad), I really enjoyed reading the whole thing. When I got the notification, I literally jumped out of my chair. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter, if this is Annie's rock bottom, she can only get better, right? I hope so. Overall, I'm very satisfied. Another utterly devastating chapter, in the best way possible.

the next chapter (10) will mostly be addressing the fallout of what happened in ch 9. some hard conversations that are going to take place in the next couple chapters but i swear to GOD that it doesn't get any worse. it's uphill from here, which is honestly so exciting for me because i never thought this series would grow into what it is.

no way is it going to be worse than this. that mess what all the angst i've been alluding to for months lol. IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT THOUGH, YOUR OPINIONS AND FEEDBACK MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!!!

On another note, I'm not writing as much as I'd like. School, coronavirus, and I'm also joining a soccer team? Out of character, but it is a good distraction. I've been getting into sports lately, so much so that part of me wants to write an Annie x reader where her and the reader are on some sort of team. If I can find the time, of course. I'm just trying to decide what sport she would play.

you don't have to be writing every second of every day! it sounds like you have a lot going on. i'm not too sporty myself but i would absolutely go to your soccer games and cheer for you.

HONESTLY I SWEAR I'M NOT EVEN SAYING THIS BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S YOUR SPORT, BUT SOCCER IS A GOOD ONE. she's fast/small and it's canon that a lot of the fighting she does uses her legs. AND THE UNIFORMS. i support you doing a soccer au for maximum self insert potential. Annie is your soccer gf who always holds your hand on the bus on the way to games. she always runs to you when you're tired or when you've fallen just to make sure you're alright.

my top sport for Annie is always boxing. and another idea that goes hand in hand with this, is illegal cage fighting aksdjfdk, HEAR ME OUT. she's so good that she could make a living off of placing bets on herself. bitch would be the reigning champion, she's a fucking maniac. it also has lots of good potential for fics where her significant other is fussing over her tending to her injuries.

Hm, another song recommendation that fits the fic (by the way I loved the link to Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA, I could totally see the connection, as sad as it is), April Come She Will by Simon and Garfunkel. The soft, summer vibes of the song fit the cottage setting, I think. It's a short song, but one that I love nonetheless.

i actually had a difficult time picking out a song for this chapter. i almost released it with no song at all, but then i had an abba playlist on while doing the dishes or something and next thing i know i'm crying. that song from Papa's POV really hurts in a special, evil type of way, huh? i'm devastated over it.

and re: the song, YOU'RE SO RIGHT. not even just the soft vibe of the song but the lyrics - it reminds me of how things are slowly going askew for them despite both putting forward effort. it's a bit of a sad song with it ending where it does but i definitely agree that it very much fits the vibe, added to my trnt playlist. i just wish that the song went on a little bit longer so things could be fixed lol.

Have a nice day <3,

Pink Anon

you too! and again sorry for the delay i just wanted to have the mental energy to have a good response

#omfg i'm sorry this took me a couple of days i ended up rambling a LOT #i think i just missed talking to you or something and had a hard time shutting the fuck up #i just have so much to say 😩#pink anon #tsuki answers #trnt annie #annie-isms #trnt 9 angst tag

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ghostfoolish · 7 months

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i'm going on anon for this but that other anon talking about how there's real csem on ao3 is RIGHT. the first time i was on ao3 years and years ago exploring and reading fanfics for a really shitty show (its a long story) i was into. there was a fanfic i saw that that made me stop. the writer did some kind of crosstagging with the show and 'rpf' which left me befuddled. it was tagged for 'e' and was full of tags related to sex and stuff. there were names too (actor's names specifically), and there was one that stood out to me that felt familiar. it was a child actor in the show that i watched, i googled his name to make sure it was who i was thinking of. i can say years ago when i first found his picture i remember being horrified...that this poor REAL LIFE CHILD was written into this 'fanfiction'. this poor kid wasn't even 13-he was barely even 10 YEARS OLD. i remember so much details literally because of how much i was just disturbed that ao3 let a sexually explicit story up about a real life incredibly small child up. i had problems with rpf at the time and thought it was weird (think like L*rry shippers), but this was my tip over the age into the 'unforgivable territory'. this is the first and only time i've talked about this for so so many long ass years. ao3 users and especially proshippers cannot convince me in any way that this is 'fiction', that this is ok and allowed for 'fannish experiences'. because how in any way is this stuff created and acceptable for the 'artistic freedom'. i have seen so many terrible things on that website of real life minors. i've seen proshippers in a specific 'fandom' make sexual headcanons about how they would groom and rape a real living breathing teenaged boy for their fanfictions on that website. i'm tired of pretending this kind of thing is for 'funsies' and that's it's 'fiction' and all of these arguments about 'artistic merit' and 'sticking it to the man'. this is really long and i'm so sorry for doing your inbox dirty like this, but i'm saying this to say i understand how you feel with the pain and frustration. your opinion and traumatizing experiences with ao3 or proshippers and whatelse is valid and real. i think everyone makes mistakes and we realize the things we involve ourselves in including coping mechanisms can be bad and unhealthy and we have to take a step back and breath. don't let proshippers step over you and tell you that you are a liar when you are expressing your honest opinions.

Yeah like….I’m very big on Ao3 needing moderation for this shit. And there is moderation technically but it’s more for things like people using the wrong tags or people posting original stories and not fanfic (which is so SOOO stupid). I think Ao3 is a very important platform but it needs to get rid of the underage rpf. Call me a censorship fascist or whatever but that crosses a very BIG line for me. I don’t care if some grown up or even a teenager feels like they’re being censored for writing about a real child doing something sexual cause that could actually has ruined a person’s life.

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catherineflowers29 · 3 years

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Hi! I'm the anon from before! Oh, thank God. I was worried I upset you because JB shippers get so defensive when someone is critical of their ship or Jaime (btw I'm a Brienne stan before a JB shipper.)

I think your story is so great and feminist... the fact that Brienne was allowed to be angry at Jaime and make the choice to fuck Addam and still be the doting mother and a warrior who inspires women (also thank you for no boring Sansa/Brienne friendship). I loved how she said "fuck that" to any of Jaime's weakass explanations and whenever that bitch was like, "are we good? have you forgiven me? can we fuck?" and she just went like "wtf no you're the worst." like YES. It fucking bothered me the way those S8 apologists defended Jaime's "addiction" and liked the offensive disgusting white book scene. FFS LET WOMEN BE ANGRY. LET WOMEN HAVE A STORYLINE THAT ISN'T TIED TO SOME GARBAGE MAN. LET WOMEN SLEEP WITH MEN INSTEAD OF THEIR ASSIGNED LOVE INTERESTS AND LET THEM ENJOY IT TOO. LET WOMEN BE BITTER AND UNFORGIVING AND COMPASSIONATE AND MOTHERLY AND BRAVE AND AWESOME AT THE SAME TIME. ALL THESE THINGS CAN EXIST IN ONE WOMAN. IT'S ALLOWED. AND BRIENNE IS NO BETTER OR WORSE IF SHE CHOOSES TO BE UNFORGIVING. I HATE DUDEBROS.

I don't think you should be unhappy with your story! Your story has amazing dialogue and internal thoughts, well-rounded characters, and Brienne of Tarth being awesome. If anything, you were too nice to Jaime by having him be happy and giving him a purpose. You should subvert my expectations, lovely author! Don't have Brienne forgive Jaime and get into a relationship with him! Make her kick him to the curb! Break his heart! Piss on his corpse! Probably JB shippers will be mad at you but I've got your back. The REAL Brienne fans know that Jaime did Brienne so dirty, and no bs addiction or duty can justify that!

Ok that's enough... and WTF why would people think your fic is controversial. IMO we should bully the writers who had Brienne easily forgive Jaime and take him back just like that. Fuck them all. I only respect YOU. You got me into shipping Addam/Bri and also validated my anger. Also I was busy, didn't know you updated your fic. Gonna read it now. Not gonna lie, I'll be a little upset if she chooses Jaime because I thought the glass throwing scene was written to show the tragic end of their relationship and how there's no coming back, but I did want to know your thoughts.

Bless you, kind reader.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about why my fic is considered controversial. The subject matter in it really isn’t that “dark” in the traditional fic sense. There’s no rape or major character death, it’s not torture porn or anything. And yet, there was rage about it on Reddit, it was banned from being discussed on Discord, and a BNF decided (very hurtfully, I might add) to call me out on Twitter because she had formed a judgement based solely on my tags. I have also been blocked by numerous people in the fandom that I have never so much as had an interaction with. I’ve also had a LOT of shitty comments and anons here and there from people who seem really angry that I had the temerity to write this fic.

That genuinely surprised me. I knew it wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea - what fic is? But there have been times when I have felt like a total pariah and not wanted to interact with other members of the fandom in case they feel the same way. Whatever way you slice it, that’s shitty behaviour.

Largely, when we ship something, particularly when it’s an OTP, we think of that relationship as an ideal. It’s escapism, it’s perfect in ways that our real relationships never can be. I think that’s why, for so many of us, 8.04 was really devastating. Jaime and Brienne are also a ship about acceptance and understanding, of a deep connection that transcends surface impressions - they both see each other for who they really are. That means a LOT to us, I think. I think we all long for that kind of relationship and exploring it in our fandom gives all of us so much happiness. We are in love with their love.

In their portrayal of the JB relationship, D&D ABSOLUTELY got that wrong. I absolutely do not dispute that. I think a LOT of people were angry with me because they confused what I was writing as being supportive of D&D’s take in some way, because I treated it as canon. Some writers were able to paper over the end of the show, dismiss it as bad writing and move on, or write fic where Jaime changes his mind, Brienne forgives him, and then they carry on with what we wanted.

I just couldn’t do that. God knows I tried. But if I had been in Brienne’s position, I absolutely would have been as pissed as fuck about what Jaime did. I don’t accept that he went back for Cersei as a brother, or that Brienne wasn’t crying for herself but only for him and his lost honour. Being dumped HURTS, particularly when you loved someone and thought you had a future, and then he walks out in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Brienne had SO MUCH backstory about being hurt and humiliated by men, having the first man who loved her, the man she gave her virginity to, treat her that way would fuck her up.

I’m not saying that anyone who disagrees with me is wrong, and I never have. I don’t have the definitive knowledge of these characters, none of us do. I only have my take, my experience, my style.

I just couldn’t write about their relationship as being idyllic and perfect any more. Is it a reflection of who I am as a person and as a writer? That’s certainly been the accusation several dozen times. Maybe. It’s certainly a reflection of how I feel women put up with too much shit from men and are expected to be kind and forgiving in return. I HATE that with a passion.

Angry women are really controversial. They make people of all genders feel very uncomfortable. Sexually confident women do, too, and I think my story was the perfect storm of those two elements, really. People who want escapism from realistic relationships where people don’t live happily-ever-after really took exception to its very existence.

I don’t hold it against anyone for it not being their cup of tea, or if they disagree with my take. God knows there are kajillions of fics out there that aren’t my bag too. Things I’ve rolled my eyes at, things I’ve fundamentally disagreed with, things I’ve been horrified to read. But not once have I ever felt the need to be a public douchebag about it. I’ve never felt the need to make a writer stop writing.

So thank you so much for taking the time to send me this. It does make a really nice change to get an anon be so positive and affirming to me as a writer!

I really hope that you enjoy the end of the story. And that you will enjoy the reboot in a few weeks where we stick with Brienne’s POV and I turn the volume down on some of the elements that I don’t like about the story myself. Not the rage though, or the Addam banging. That’s staying!

#braime #jaime x brienne #s8 salt #fanfic #fic discussion #Anonymous

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becccaaawww1989 · 5 years

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*Long Post, But If You Like Reading Please Read*

So I've decided to take on a huge project that probably SHOULD have been done sooner, but I don't think COULD have possibly been done sooner. So here's the story and here's the project:

!STORY TIME!

I was a creative writing major in college... However, I have not written anything for a year, and the whole year prior to that, every time I sat down with a notebook or at the computer it was torture. I used to save my creative writing homework for last cause I knew I'd enjoy it, but my final year that wasn't the case. I was told in my creative writing classes that my writing - if it was good enough - would protect me. It would protect me from those embarrassing moments I was writing about, and from the anger of other people because when it breaks down to it, it's a story and we read for good stories. Well, that wasn't the case. My writing was good, and that wasn't the case. Rob was wrong. I was wrong.

Then enter two years of depression followed by anxiety. Pretty much convinced I had no support from anyone in my life and then at the same time my anxiety started making up conspiracy theories about myself... how convenient. I stopped going to church, I stopped really believing in God [like I KNEW, but like... do you even care? Clearly not, so why do I put my trust in you? Type thing]. Through a very emotional night I confessed what I had been holding in for months about my confusion, bitterness and anger to Evan and of course Evan suggested I start going back to church but I was so reluctant. I didn't want to, but any time I went with him I felt almost as if my body had been full of static (like TV static) before church, and after it was like living with a clear screen. I could breathe for a little bit.

So this one day, I am sitting at work, minding my own business and this little girl comes in and gets a french manicure. Conversations take off and she starts telling me how her Dad's a pastor and I started to open up a little bit about my story and my doubts and that I grew up in church yada yada yada. So she invited me to her church... and feeling like it was maybe God finally paying attention to me again, I went. And I continued to go for a couple of months. They were warm and welcoming and EVERYTHING I WANTED... but any time there were events, my schedule didn't match up and I started to think that even though Solid Rock was what brought me back into the habit of going to church, maybe that wasn't where I was supposed to be. Which sucked cause there were a lot of amazing people there.

So then this one day I was tapping through Instagram stories and my friend from freshman year of college had posted this quick story about the church she had started going to, 2|42. I sent her a quick message about what it was like, and she was happy to respond. I then texted Evan and said "we are checking out another church." I swear I could hear his eyes roll through the phone.

Showed up at 2|42 and it was kind of everything I wanted, but for the longest time couldn't find a way to connect so while I was still going to 2|42 I was looking around at other churches... being me and preparing for the future I was already thinking "okay, I want my kids to be able to be in JBQ and Missionettes..." but I felt God pull me back and kind of tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I don't know what the future holds or if I'm still gonna be around the area for that. I had so much else to worry about before I worried about JBQ for my currently nonexistent kids. So focusing on the now, I ended up staying.

In the meantime with all of this going on, (excuse the language, but I can't find a better way to describe it...) shit hit the fan in my own personal life. I was battling with my roommate pretty much almost on a daily basis, feeling left out - on purpose - belittled, ignored and I honestly don't know what I ever did to her. As well as the Gymnastics Club board was having issues and I cared way too much about them that their stubbornness and my will to fight for myself was causing issues. When it came to personal interactions between people I called friends, I knew that I was no longer this sweet innocent freshman, I had some dirt on my hands, blood on my face, and in a lot of ways I wasn't afraid to show it. Creative writing encouraged me to un-sensor my work, so you could say my vocabulary expanded. It taught me how to talk about things in my writing that I typically wouldn't talk about. Personal thoughts, experiences, family issues, fears, intimate conversations and connections with friends. But in most conversations it felt like I would have been more respected by the people that surrounded me in my everyday life, if I had just stayed sweet and innocent, and never stood up for myself... or had never even written at times. It was as if they respected me as a Christian when I was 100% all about Jesus all the time, but didn't respect me/my beliefs when I was struggling with my faith - which is a common thing to struggle with. It was as if loosing my innocence was what lost me respect which was strange because everyone else was allowed to lose their innocence and they were welcomed with open arms into the club of people that could earn the "Platinum Certificate of Depravity." So after a night at sidetracks, I said goodbye to Dave, told him I loved him and I remember closing the door that night and deciding I needed a break.

The weeks that followed were ones where I was realizing that if I wanted to keep my income (as a nail technician) I would have to retire from gymnastics. I could not pull out one final season. So the plan was to talk to the board and strike a deal to keep my position without doing gymnastics for one last year and see if anyone wanted to be "trained" to take it over from me. But if it hadn't been for a warning from a close friend, I would have been blindsided when told that the board had not only talked about it without including me or notifying me, but had also decided that in order to continue making the videos for the team for the 2018 - 2019 season and posting on the Instagram and promoting the club... not only would i be doing that for free, but I would also have to pay the FULL 210 club dues. Without doing any of the gymnastics that came along with it. Which was the reason we were all there to begin with. I wasn't going to pay to do a job I should be getting paid for, and I wasn't going to pay to record everyone doing things I wished i could still physically do... which by the way, sucks. So I quit right then and there, handed over passwords and walked away. I gave away most of my leotards a month ago. *Not belittling the club or the current board, I am just explaining my decisions and how it felt.*

But it really left me feeling alone. All I had was work, Evan and my roommates. However, 2|42 was promoting this thing called ROOTED. If you joined there was a chance you would become a small group afterwards, so after weeks of saying no, I finally said yes. The group was a total God thing, and tonight was the first night since quitting the gymnastics club and completely walking away from it that I felt like I was going to - in all aspects of my life - be okay.

So... with that being said, I have been thinking about it, and it is about to be a huge project. But I have gone through, removed all previous pieces of writing from my blog, it is currently "Under Construction". This will take MONTHS. But I have started writing again. It is darker, and heavier and not what one would expect. However, I want to show the transformation of my life through my writing. From the moments of lost friends, to realizing that I had lost them, to the issues that followed, with the loss of faith, to feeling - like I said - covered in dirt, scares, lies, pain, drama, ultimatums and the struggle between wanting to break away from it all and become someone or something else or becoming and embracing the person you are meant to be with all of your dirt all over you. Innocence gone, friends gone, yearly traditions gone, mock awards gone, potlucks gone, Halloween and Christmas parties gone, leaving group chats, exiting conversations... to this life that has gone from a bad reputation to someone who is reclaiming it. Surrounded to alone and from alone to surrounded. From unforgivable to forgiven. From supported to unsupported from writing stories to writing poetry, from innocent -> Guilty -> Forgiven and finally a story of life without God to a life with God.

I would really love the support from anyone who enjoys reading. You can follow the link and click on the follow button or (with that button) set up an email that will be linked when I first re-launch it. I will probably share this again, but I am really excited to "relaunch" something that has had such a negative impact on my life and turn it into something I am proud of.

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surveystodestressme · 7 years

Conversation

1. What were your biggest plans for 2017 when the year began? With the year over half gone now, how have your plans progressed and/or changed? If you could change one thing that has happened so far this year, what would it be and why?

Honestly i didn't really have a plan. I just wanted to keep doing what i was doing, continue life as i was doing it. Life has been going good for the year and it's going the way i like. I wouldn't change anything that has happened this year.

2. Do you believe dreams come true? Why or why not? What’s the most unusual dream you’ve ever had?

if you mean literal dreams that you have when you're sleeping, then i'm not too sure about that. But if you mean something more along the lines of goals, then absolutely. if you put your mind to anything then you can achieve it.

3. Name your top three musical artists of all time (individuals or bands). Why do you love them so much? What song would you pick from each of them that you feel is their best work?

Well, I'll just pick three that i have really loved in the past. I loved hollywood undead for a long time in grade school and high school. i don't know why, my friend's liked them so i just listened to them whenever i was with my friends and ended up liking them. I also really had a thing for One Direction at one point and i think i liked them because they were cute and foreign lol not because they had any real talent. Twenty one pilots was my most recent favorite band. I thought they were new and mysterious, i fucking loved them.

favorite from hollywood undead would be everywhere i go, from one direction it'd be one of their really old songs that i can't think of right now, and from twenty one pilots it'd be car radio

4. When is the last time you pulled an “all nighter” (where you stay awake the entire night to the next day)? What was the reason you did so, and was it worth it?

It's been so long. I used to do it all the time when i had a lock-in at church. I used to be in a youth group and we'd have a lock-in twice a year and i always stayed up the entire night, it was 30 hours long.

5. What is one life experience most people around you seem to have had that you haven’t (marriage, kids, work-related, etc)? Conversely, what is one life experience you’ve had that most people around you haven’t?

there's so much that i haven't experienced. i haven't gotten married or had kids or even had my own place yet.

6. What do you think is the main difference between confidence and arrogance? What exactly makes someone come across as confident in a way that you find appealing? Conversely, what makes you classify someone as arrogant rather than just confident?

well when someone is arrogant they think they're the shit and they're better than everyone else and they hold themselves on a pedestal. having confidence in yourself is having self love and being happy with how you are as a person.

7. What are your favorite news sites? Which sites do you believe present the news with the least bias, and which are the most biased? Do you believe the comments sections of news sites are a good or bad thing?

i don't really look at news online. I mean, if it comes up and i find it interesting then i will read it.

8. If you could take a two-week vacation right now without having to worry about the details of making it work (money, vacation time, etc all taken care of), where would you go? Who would you bring with you, if anyone, and who would you want to make sure you went without?

I would love to go to ireland. it looks so beautiful from all the pictures i've seen. i would definitely take jack

9. Do you give pets or animals silly nicknames? What’s the funniest or most embarrassing nickname you’ve given an animal?

well, i have had several pets in my days. but yeah, i've given them pretty silly names sometimes.

10. How bad does a book have to be for you to stop reading, or do you always plow through no matter what? What are some examples of books you stopped reading, or forced yourself to keep reading until the end? What made these books so horrible?

if it's super boring within the first chapter or two and i cannot bear it then i'll just stop reading. i've had it happen several times.

11. If you could make a playlist of 20 songs that sound like your childhood, which songs would be on it? Why would you choose those particular songs?

hey ya by ????, yeah by usher, ride with me by nelly, country grammer by nelly, follow me by uncle kracker, and pretty much any theme song from any older nickelodean show or disney show

12. Would you rather improve your ability to remember things or to forget things? What event from your past do you wish you could remember more clearly? What’s one thing you really, really wish you could just forget?

definitely improve my ability to remember things because i feel like i forget everything. there's nothing that i wish i could forget but plenty of things i'm sure would be nice if i remembered them

13. What’s a word or phrase you use all the time that no one else seems to? Where did you learn or pick up this word/phrase?

i usually steal all of my phrases from my friends and family

14. What’s your favorite comic strip or online comic? Why do you enjoy it so much? What comic strip from the past do you wish was still around?

i like the walking dead comics (WAY better than the tv show), the scott pilgrim comics, and the kick ass comics.

15. Have you ever been lost? If so, where were you and what were you doing? Did you panic or stay calm? How did you get yourself to safety, or did someone come to your rescue?

i got lost in the woods a while ago. i was looking for a house in the woods that i had previously seen, lol. i wanted to know why someone was living in the woods. i was calm but the friend that i was with freaked the fuck out and kind of worried me a bit. i called my mother and she tried to find me and it didn't work so she had to call the police and they had to come into the woods to find me. i was 3 miles or so from where i entered the woods lol

16. Have you ever done something really unbelievable, only to have no one around to see it? What was it?

i'm sure i've done something, lol. i'm a pretty unbelievable person but i don't know right now

17. Name something you consider to be completely unforgivable, no matter what the circumstances. Why is it so egregious to you? What should happen to someone who does it?

rape. they should be put away for the rest of their life

18. If you were exiled, what country would you choose as your new home?

ireland!

19. What’s the last time that you were really happy? What were you doing? Who were you with? What made that time so special?

well i mean, i'm really happy right now. i'm watching some youtube videos and obviously doing surveys. i'm by myself and nothing is special about it right now

#survey #surveys #questions #bored

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