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#but who i havent spoken to since high school (like… 4 years ago)
sunshinereddie · 2 years
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:/
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boytummytuesday · 3 months
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not really happy with my life at the moment. i love my dad but i feel guilty that he does so much for me and i do little to reciprocate. ive started casually smoking cigarettes, and i smoke marijuana whenever i can afford it. on days where i dont have university, i dont leave my house and i play overwatch for 10-11ish hours a day. i enjoy it, and i enjoy streaming it. my relationshhip with my mother is very shaky but overall negative. shes constantly stressing and worrying about me, and i know she means well but i cant help but respond bitterly whenever she says something that even just slightly annoys me. im scared that im going to drop out of university, because i just dont quite have passion or motivation at the moment. i finished high school about 4 months ago, and other then the school formal, i havent really spoken to or heard from anyone that i used to be 'friends' with, except for 1 who is one of my closest friends. im very grateful for him. i always felt isolated in school and leaving has made it apparent to me that i was never truly that influential in any of their lives. my identity still haunts me often, i spent the years 2021-current publically identifying as a transgender girl, but as years go on, my trust in that label dwindles. it is my current belief that if i were to go on hormones and publically presenting in a feminine way that i would feel more confident in life, and it is clear to me that this middle ground way of living that i have found myself in drives people away and causes problems for myself. im not trans, and im not cis either. i really hate my body. im skinny and tall and lanky and not particularly fit in any way. i used to believe myself to be attractive growing up, but the only time i feel pretty is when men who are far too old for me call me attractive on gr*ndr. i still miss and think often about my ex girlfriend, whom broke up with me in april 2022. i hotly anticipate the 3 year anniversary of us dating in a few months, not because anything would happen, but just because i loved her so much. i've been considering entering therapy and finding hormone treatment as soon as possible, but its hard most days to do anything at all. i also believe that finally getting an adhd diagnosis that i have been virtually begging my parents for since i was a pre-teen will help me finish my uni degree and not drop out. i would quite like to find a nice circle of friends that are divorced from my online life, people who i can smoke with and go to parties with and just feel good about having in my life. i had these people in high school, but as i mentioned earlier, i simply lost that track of my life. perhaps i shall use tumblr as a diary more frequently, or maybe this will be the last post of mine of this nature. im deeply unsatisfied with my way of living, but i dont have the commitment or the strength or the discipline to change it.
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vonseal · 7 years
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tbh idk what this is called i forgot to check
Tagged by: @alette-stars (HEY FRIEND I LOVE YOU)
I’m going to tag: @parkjinchu, @daeminanalo, @glowingjinjin, @starrybinu, @jinwoosmile, @pigonhannah (you’re always reblogging stuff and sending me cute asks, ily)
THE LAST…
1.Drink: Cheerwine (guess where i live) 2.Phone call: my baby sis 3.Text message: my baby sis (my only friend apparently sob) 4.Song you listened to: My Style by Astro 5.Time you cried: Yesterday. Funeral of a friend.
HAVE YOU EVER… 6.Dated someone twice: no 7. Been Cheated on: no 8.Kissed someone and regretted it: no 9.Lost someone special: yes 10.Been depressed: before high school (aka back in 2008? 2009?) 11.Gotten drunk and thrown up: no
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: gray, pale yellow, pink
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.Made new friends: I THINK? 16.Fallen out of love: No :( 17.Laughed until you cried: yes 18.Found out someone was talking about you: other than my boss lol 19.Met someone who changed you: No 20.Found out who your true friends are: LOL WHAT FRIENDS 21.Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No
GENERAL… 22.How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them, though I haven’t spoken to 3/4ths of them in years. 23.Do you have any pets: two cats - my mom also has a cat and my sister has a dog 24.Do you want to change your name: i’d like to switch my middle name with my first name 25.What did you do for your last birthday: worked :)  26.What time did you wake up: today? 8:30am, i got to sleep in!!! 27.What were you doing at midnight last night: getting ready for bed 28.Name something you cannot wait for: ASTRO COMEBACK 29.When was the last time you saw your mother: a few minutes ago 30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i want to live in a nice apartment 
31.What are you listening to right now: white noise (from my sleep)
32.Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: YES 33.Something that is getting on your nerves: WHY IS MY BOSS SO MAD ALL THE TIME 34.Most visited website: tumblr lol i suck 35.Elementary: I went? 36, High School: I also went (i miss all the friends i had, i had so many friends) 37.College: pls dont laugh, im going into my fifth year, i hate my life lol :’) 38.Hair color: brown 39.Long or short hair: SHORT 40.Do you have a crush on someone: YES SO BAD, FOUR YEARS OF IT 41.What do you like about yourself: I’m very optimistic!  42.Piercings: I used to? 43.Blood type: i havent been to a doctor since 2011, idk why i would know my blood type 44.Nickname: Seal, Possum 45.Relationship status: SINGLE ready to mingle with one man only (or MJ, one of the two) 46.Zodiac sign: Cancer 47.Pronouns: she/her
48.Favorite tv show: Psych! and The Office 50.Right or left hand: rightie tightie 51.Surgery: nope 52.Piercing: already answered lol 54.Sport: I used to do track but i can’t even run so no sports 55.Vacation: JUST A FEW DAYS OFF OF WORK PLS 56.Pair of trainers: tbh i dont know what trainers are, shoes i think? i legit only ever wear cheap oxford knockoffs, i have four pairs and i need more 57.Eating: nothing, im hungry, good morning 58.Drinking: nothing 59.I’m about to: start getting ready for work, rip seal 61.Waiting for: GRADUATION NEXT YEAR and then full-time someWHERE ELSE 62.Want: all the happiness in the world, and maybe an alpaca 63.Get married: I’d love to! 64.Career: whatever pays the best 65.Hugs or kisses: BOTH i love cheek smooches and hugs 66.Lips or eyes: eyes 67.Shorter or taller: TALLER (the guy i like is really tall compared to me, i love his hugs, i feel so secure) 68.Older or younger: Older, I’m very motherly 70.Nice arms or nice stomach: I DONT CARE? arms? 71.Sensitive or loud: sensitive, i do not like loud 72.Hook up or relationship: RELATIONSHIP 73.Troublemaker or hesitant: Me? I’m hesitant. I’d like a troublemaker to keep me on my toes.
HAVE YOU EVER… 74.Kissed a stranger?: No 75.Drank hard liquor? : Yes 76.Lost glasses contact/lenses? : I have 20/20 vision 77.Turned someone down?: a few times, i cringe ;A; 78.Sex on first date?: NO I AM PURE 79.Broken someone’s heart?: Hopefully not 80.Had your heart broken?: Nope 81.Been arrested?: thank god no 82.Cried when someone died?: Yes, I’m a sensitive soul 83.Fallen for a friend?: sobs yes, still suffering
DO YOU BELIEVE IN….
84.Yourself?: I DO I AM A CAPABLE PERSON 85.Miracles?: I'm very religious, yupperoo 86.Love at first sight?: I think it exists, but I’m all about that there personality 87.Santa Claus?: I want to still ;A; 88.Kiss on the first date?: IF IT FEELS RIGHT 89.Angels?:  YES
OTHER…. 90.Current best friend’s name: nicole 91.Eye color: blue 92. Favorite movie: Wizard of Oz, for sure!!!
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voidmutt · 6 years
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Rules: Tag followers you want to know better
i was tagged by the amazing @muttpunk ♥
Name: alloura
Nicknames: ali, mostly.
Gender: i have no fucking clue, honestly. just do not call me a fucking girl.
Starsign: gemini
Sexual orientation: fluid
Favourite color: black, mostly. red, other times... for some reason my eyes get really gooey over "salmon" colors too... .-.
Average hours of sleep: depends on the night, honestly. usually 4-6 hours though
Cat or dog person: dog, most definitely. i LOVE cats, but at the end of the day, i'd much rather cuddle up to a dog than a cat..
Favourite fictional character: idk.. im not as obsessed with fictional characters like i used to be... though i love junkrat from overwatch indefinitely
Band/Singers: movements is my favorite fucking band atm
Dream trip: literally anywhere with mountains and a view. and enough money to not have to eat fucking crumbs for 6 months after the trip
Dream job: animal behaviorist or something of the sort. i just wanna work with animals, man
When was this blog created: 2009. hahaha
Currant number of followers: idk. like 1.4k? ive been stagnant in the follower count for literally 3-4 years now. L A M E
When did this blog reach its peak: when i wrote that super shitty supernatural fanfic
Time right now: 16:40
Song stuck in my head: the grey by movements. specifically the spoken part at the end "i still believe in happiness and i want to find a way, but lately my whole world is being swallowed by the grey"
Last movie I watched: uh... gremlins i think?
Last tv show I watched: currently watching that trainwreck of a show "futureman" on hulu
What am I wearing right now: j's band's shirt, and sweatpants
What kind of stuff do I post: whatever my dash is consisting of that day. usually soft gore, love posts, random unfunny jokes, dogs, dog teeth, idk. my blog has no theme. never has.
Do I have any other blogs: technically i have like 4 others. 2 of them i havent used since high school (5-6 years ago), one is to reserve my old url bc i have an extreme attachment to it, and the last used to be a sort of "diary" blog, but the last time i posted in it was like 2013 or so
Do I get asks regularly: nope. i rarely ever get asks.. and when i do, its the same lil spineless anon (even though i'm 97% sure i know who it is) talking shit on me and trying to make me feel subhuman. 🖕
Why did I choose my url: i needed a new url bc i kept getting death threats bc i started dating j and someone didnt approve. hahahaha
Lucky number: 3, 4, 7, 13, 23
Following: 1.4k? its around the same as my follower count
i dont wanna tag anyone bc im so absent from tumblr nowadays that i have no idea to to tag anyway... soooo...
if youre reading this, consider yourself tagged
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ayz8yf9q-blog · 5 years
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rezby · 7 years
Text
reminiscions, so to speak
I’ve been thinkin about this for a while, but havent really sat down to try to formulate this. But a lot of people whom I knew as teenagers or early 20s, when I was a teenager. There are sooo many people who are now (publically) trans, or at least not-cis, that I remember from back in jr high or high school, before anybody had really figured out The Genders. It makes me really glad, to see how many people are self-actualizing. I love to see the updates in their lives that they post on fb, at least the ones who haven’t defriended me. (This enjoyment is only a little vicarious, truth be told. It is mostly genuine happiness for them).
I know its very likely that I’ll never reconnect with any of the people with whom i’ve grown distant (not through any fault of their own. it really is 90% circumstances (everybody moving across the country, to either like boston or ... seattle? portland? Big Oregon City, or for those who are still local just issues of me not having a lot of free time with which to hang out with them) and 10% my hell brain self-sabotaging relationships/avoiding everything), but I often think about them and how they’re doing.
One of the people I’ve mentioned hasn’t defriended me on FB, and I still interact with their posts every now and then - I think a lot about the time when I was 16 and said some really horrific things to them without realizing just what I was saying. I’ve been feeling terrible about it, but I know I’ll never actually send them the apology I want to send - they deserve better than to be reminded of it out of the blue.
At one point last October, I was on this other person’s FB wall, i dont even remember why. sometime in like january or Dec, I saw a comment on somebody else’s status by somebody with the same last name as this person, with similar viewpoints. I click around, and figure out that this person has defriended me, and also publically came out on fb as trans. Last week I saw a photo posted of them with their sign at the chicago trans liberation march (which obvs I didnt go to, i’m not Out and I dont intend to be, until the time of my choosing, so i dont interact publically with Trans (tm) things. i’m fb friends with both my parents), and they looked really happy. Not about the occasion, but as a person, it looked like they had let an awful amount of weight off their shoulders. I remember them being as deeply unhappy as many of us  were, back in high school (a lot of us were deeply depressed. It just turns out for a few of us that the depression was tied to the Genders so getting stuff done for the one helped the other). So, I’m glad that theyve realized their gender and are happier for it. I also wonder (a lot) if thats why they defriended me - I’m not really out on fb, and since I haven’t spoken to this person in years they probs wouldn’t even know that I’m also non cis, so maybe they defriended me when they did their official fb transition stuff. I get it, it would make sense to, but... it still wounds me, a bit.
those two were a couple years older than me and I was never that close to ‘em in high school. this third person was in my grade and a couple classes with me, and.... I was a horrible person to them. Not intentionally, I’ve always had the best of intentions, but that doesn’t mean the actions i had done weren’t horribly misogynistic or racist. A few things I didn’t even realize until years later, what I actually had been doing. They defriended me a couple years back. They’re non-cis as well, but I dont know anything more specific than that.
That was the Complicated Feelings w/r/t the non-cis folk i knew in high school. I had some online friends whove also come to realize their own genders as well, who I’ve also grown apart form. This one was largely due to MSN messenger no longer being a thing, and then me getting busy with irl stuff and basically never being online anymore. I don’t really got any Complicated Feelings for most of this group, its mostly that I miss them but realize there’s p much no feasible way to get back into regular comms with them, and I’ve accepted that.
There was one person, who knew they were trans all the way back when I first met them. But they never talked about it with me. At least 85% of our conversations were political. At the time, I was in early high school, where I was a libertarian at the time. They were staunchly communist, I figure marxist is probs the best term for their beliefs but I’ll be honest, I know jack diddly squat about the academic details of the different schools of communist thought. Anyways, we chatted a lot on MSN back when that was around. At one point I started FB friending the other online friends I’ve got, but this person never actually accepted the friend request. its still in their inbox. I last talked to them about 3 or 4 years ago, I believe in my 2nd year of college. I asked why they hadnt accepted the friend request and they said somethin to the tune of ‘im an asshole lol’. this persons typing style is completely different from that but thats the effect my memory has of that message. Our conversation at the time also turned political. Now, after getting to college and having my eyes opened at, well, a lot of stuff, i’ve since become fairly leftist. probably communist? socialist? idk. Anyways, at the time, I was pretty caught up in the politics of one tumblr user Moneycat. If you weren’t around for that, the gist of it (as i recall) was that... actually, i honestly can’t recall the minutae or which parts werent very good. there are other posts going around from some years back that go over her politics and the flaws thereof. one of their ideas was that gender is a social class, inasmuch as bourgeoisie or proletariat are, and that trans women are a distinct social class from cis women and men. I had recently read one of her posts about how gender theorizing had led her to become a communist, and how the two were inextricably linked, and tbh she was this huge popular rly smart trans lady blogger so i p much hero worshiped her and adopted as many of her politics as i could understand. So I tried explaining this gender theory of communism to my old communist pal, and they were very displeased by it. I did a poor job, to be sure, but they disagreed staunchly. I dont remember the other details of what I was arguing but I do remember it was more out there than just what i’ve typed so far. Cuz I opened the conversation with “hey did you know that i’ve also become a communist now?” or somethin like that, and they were like ‘oh nice, how did you come to this conclusion?” and I went into moneycat’s gender communism and they did not agree. And that was our last conversation. and idk how to start conversations. Even tho we’re not fb friends, i can still IM them via fb, so the option is always open, but I never do it. I miss this person a lot, and its been hurting me for years that they never accepted the friend request. we actually had been decently close online (as far as I recall. i have poor memory at best in general, and there’s a good chance I actually have brain trauma that’s making my memory even worse but that appointment is in may). and they’re fb friends with all our mutual online friends. so its just me. i’m not good enoguh.
And I know if I actually ever made a snapchat I could probably easily get back in contact with literally everybody ever, I know for a fact that all but the last person have snapchats, and I’m p sure that they’d all be receptive to at least messages over it, but.... I tried making a snapchat once, and was immedietely conflicted. Do I go with my IRL name and snap with my family and classmates and colleagues? If I do that, I dont want to have my snapchat available online here cuz I want to maintain at least a veneer of separation between my online identity and my “family” “professional” identity.  Or do I go with my online name, but then refuse to snap w/ like my mom and sis? I ended up deleting the app and never doing anything with it. so I basically refuse to have a snapchat, and p much only have fb these days, which... is not the best method of communication.
Compounding this is my awkwardness with people i’ve known for a while - my memory really does get atrocious about some things, to the point where i’ve hung out with people for years before actually knowing 100% their name. this is deeply embarassing for me, and I dont wanna hurt em, so I dont let on that I dont remember their names. especially if i’ve known them for forever, but havent had a ton of meaningful interactions with them, theres a v good chance i’ll know them, i’ll recognize them, but i wont be able to drum up their name from the depths of my mind. this is awkward. so i sometimes avoid going to places where there are people who might fit this bill. some people from high school who I kinda knew and hung out in the same friend group as me, and a lot of my not immediate (step)relatives. so at the photos for the trans march, where I saw the photo of the one person from 2nd bullet point, I also saw a lot of other people from high school who I’d be awkward around. altho this reminds me, there was a 4th person actually, from high school as well. i think... they blocked me? i dot remember. i know they werent on fb a lot, but they were fb friends with me. i just went through my own friend list as well as that of 2 people who i thought would be mutuals with them but... i dont see them. I’m p sure i recall seeing like,,,, last year or 1.5 years ago that they had changed their fb name from their birth name to a feminine name, as well as changed their gender and all that other stuff that comes with coming Out? but I dont recall and I cant find em anymore. if they have blocked me.... oh well. nothin i can do about it. about any of it really. nothing that i’m going to do anyways.
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