#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

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Okay so! This is a snippet from Hiraeth, which is not one I've shared many snippets from. It tears my heart out to even reread it, but I'm pretty proud of the way I've written quite a few parts of this story - it was really hard. This is the end of a scene, around a third of the way in - after the betrayal and while she's still trying to make her peace with it. This section I left completely untouched when I edited it, though I haven't gone through anyone else's corrections so it will probably change to some extent in the final version.

So the thoughts stayed, heavy and solid, inside her, without being expressed out loud. Sometimes she thought she might drown in them, caught in the agony of memory, and wished she could somehow forget. The grief of the loss and betrayal might never fade, and in the meantime, she could not look around in simple pleasure for the beauty of the world. It seemed so trivial, compared to that. It was in the trivial things of life, sometimes, that joy was best and most delightfully found; right now all the joy seemed sucked out of the world. How could she continue to believe, if she could see nothing of the beauty of the world God had created? She was afraid.

Please tell me what you think of it! If you want a happier snippet I can find a bit from earlier in the same story, which provides a nice contrast (well, I thought so anyway :P )

#suh #suh excerpts #story:hiraeth #aelwen #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested #writing #my writing #excerpts #ask #thanks for the ask!

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

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Oho another anonymous! And another snippet from Hiraeth, because apparently that's the story I'm sharing bits of today :P

Okay so this section was terribly hard to write, for reasons that ought to be obvious, but in the end I'm unexpectedly proud of how it came out - I mean - well, I hope you know what I mean. This is the bit that continued from the previously shared snippet, that I decided not to share then, but here it is now. The 'she' referred to is Aelwen's mother, and 'he' is her father.

“Please.” She took an involuntary step forward, desperation in her voice. “Please, please, come back with us, even just once, I beg you—try it again, or talk to me—to us—” He lifted his head and glanced at her, looking older than his years. There were shadows on his face, still largely covered by his capable hands. “Don’t bother me with it,” he replied tiredly. “I’m not coming. I’ve had all the years to try, and I tried, I tried to believe, and I just couldn’t. Don’t try and pretend that it’s a thing that I can just will into being.” He leaned his head on his hands again and added, “I wish it were the case, but faith is harder than that, and I simply don’t believe any more. This is the harder way out. If I’d been any weaker, I would have stayed, kept on going with you, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that, don’t you think? As it was, it was terribly hard to convince myself to come clean to you all and tell you about it.” It was as if, Aelwen realised as she stood there, very still and horrified, he had finally snapped and decided to tell them everything that he had not revealed before, no matter how much it may hurt them in the process. “If God was real,” he continued, in an impassioned voice, “I’d know about it. Goodness knows I’ve been searching for years and years, and not found any evidence. I just didn’t want to bother you with it, but eventually, it became too much. I dislike to live a lie,” her father said, biting off each word precisely. “I have been a hypocrite for far too long throughout my life, and it changed when I finally told my family how I truly felt. I am not intending to go back and become one of those sheep again, following a system of belief just because it seems convenient, easy or what you grew up in.” “Believing the Bible in truth is not the easy path,” said her mother, sounding like she was scarcely holding back tears. He ignored her. “I’m not coming. Please don’t ask me again. If I ever decide that I will come back, whether to stay or just to confirm that I’ve made the right decision….” There was an unnecessary jab, put in because he was angry and upset. Aelwen could recognise it far too easily: he wanted to hurt them, maybe because he still wanted his faith back. “…I will. But don’t try and push me. If you do, you’re liable to get results that you didn’t actually want.” “Such as?” Her voice trembled even more. “Trust me. You don’t want to know.” He got up, abruptly, and walked out of the room without a backward glance.

If from the point of view of the other side this interpretation of his emotions doesn't really make sense, don't forget that all this is from Aelwen's POV - she may or may not be interpreting his reasons correctly. She still holds her faith, and doesn't understand how he can not, even though at times she is slipping into despair.

I would love feedback on this. (excerpt #4 for today)

#ask #thanks for the ask! #once again this was drawn from real life tho this scene didn't precisely happen #but from things ive read written by the specific people i originally wrote this story about/bc of - what her father says seems similar to #what they say. #suh #suh excerpts #story:hiraeth #excerpts #my writing #writing #feedback welcome! #im sorry this is so doomy and gloomy this story #but! it is a story of hope in some ways #anyway #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

This appears in my asks: "not to toot my own horn too much but ik you've expressed interest in my stories before so. there are snippets-" stops reading to go frantically search for Hiraeth excerpts

my dear, catkin, I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!👀

also I am a cheater - what happens someone asks for two?

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Then, I suppose, you get two! Still from Hiraeth.

“Why?” she asked. “Not why would you follow them, but why would you shift so far away? Aren’t there things keeping you here?” “I want to see the world.” She shrugged, and said, “Fair point. I hope you’ll chase all your dreams and find them well worth the effort.” Neil smiled. “I hope so. Anyway, I want to be a doctor.”

I loved writing this section. It's a conversation between Deryn (Aelwen's younger sister) and Neil. I loved writing (and still love reading it over) about him as a fresh unspoiled young thing, rather than the jaded, bitter and sometimes cruel man he appears as in Adira's story. Even the doctor thing, in this case, means a lot, because it was a dream he'd always had, but by the time he actually became a doctor it was as much out of defiance as anything else, and in some ways, by practicing the profession, he's forcing himself to relive certain griefs that happen between this story (in which he's 13 or so) and then. (It's... complicated. I love him)

One thing I really like about the inclusion of this scene, although it definitely risks appearing to wander away from the main plot, is that it lightens it a bit; the middle was heavy and hard to write, but once I included Deryn a bit more as a POV character it lightened the mood and pulled it away from being a slog. Not certain that the entire scene and some others worked very well overall (I'll have to see what editor thought of it as to how I keep them in) but certainly their inclusion really helped the story as a whole and how I felt about it. (Originally it was literally finding an excuse to include it in this collection, finding some way or character to tie it to Adira's story xD that was it that was the entire motivation for including him.)

And another, still from later on than that. I was so tempted to give you the massive slab of description as Aelwen walks towards a waterfall (the scene was originally patterned on one very specific visit to a waterfall last year, a waterfall I want to go back and visit again someday tho it's far away from me) but I'm not entirely happy with the prose, though what it's trying to say is good; there are a few awkward bits. Instead, this is a few paragraphs later, just before one of the important character beats in the story.

She was careful as she scuttled over to a rock overhanging the deep pool the waterfall deposited into, but nevertheless she almost slipped, and had to clutch at the rock to steady herself. It was cold and wet and rough under her fingers, and felt like the first truly real thing she had touched for far too long. The blanket of apathy, maybe only for a moment, was gone again. Perhaps it was a mere illusion, something she could scarcely appreciate for a moment before it was snatched away—no lasting peace—but Aelwen had already learned she starved without it, and was glad to find something of it. Her thoughts, roving here and there, suddenly caught on a verse she had always loved. The peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall encompass your hearts and minds. She could not remember where it came from, but she knew it to be a verse, sent from God at this moment for her to remember it. She could have the peace of God again. It might take time, but she could find it again, even if she was struggling right now. There was another verse, too; something about joy coming in the morning. She remembered a day before all this had started, a day so incandescently happy that she had thought there could not possibly be sorrow in all of the world. Now she was both older and wiser, and sadder too; but there was hope.

Oh, and two paragraphs later she prays about everything and cries about it and then her sister comes to comfort her, and it's just a really nice scene. 'what are you doing here' 'I just wanted to make sure you're alright' 'it's half an hour travel each way from home you travelling an hour to make sure I'm alright???' <- that sort of thing

I hope you like these. In some ways it amuses me that I'm reading over some of it and going I know what I was like when I wrote that. How did I write that. More really, how was that so true to my current experiences when I'd never experienced them to this intensity before.

I would love feedback from anyone and everyone, on both of these excerpts (#5 and #6)

#feebdack is v welcome! #suh excerpts #suh #story:hiraeth #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested #excerpts #my writing #ask #thanks for the ask!

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

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Hello anonymous! Here's another bit from Hiraeth. It's part of a significantly longer bit that I'm pretty proud of, but I cut it here rather than also sharing the next section. After all, I probably shouldn't be sharing everything of this story anyhow :P

[...] She snorted in near silence, annoyed by her own blind inability to see truly. Ever an optimist. Ever cast down by the true reality as it unfolded before her. Ever a lover of nature. Aelwen looked out the window with a weary sigh. Everything felt hard, and not only hard—remote and nothing that she needed to care about, really. Apathy had long since shown itself as a viable option, and—to her shame—she found herself grasping at it, instead of the despair that settled more and more deeply into her bones at every passing day. The clouds chased each other, white and fluffy and clean, across the clear blue sky. They were so beautiful, and she longed to feel the wind on her face. If they hadn’t been just about to go to meet with the other believers, she would have gone out and tried to appreciate the beauty she had long adored.

Fun fact: I have a note that I put in this section that reads 'Aelwen is SPIRALING here I think!' which somehow amuses me. Especially given when I wrote this first.

I think I would have more sympathy with Aelwen if I were writing this now (looking at you '--to her shame--' line).

I would love feedback! Also (keeping this straight for myself) this is the third excerpt I've shared, chronologically sharing, today. There's chunks between them, of course.

#suh #suh excerpts #story:hiraeth #aelwen #excerpts #my writing #ask #thanks for the ask! #wow I really did decide to just share excerpts from hiraeth all over the place just now didn't i #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested #<- a tag I should use on anything in which im significantly discussing suh tbh

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

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I would say 'stop stop' except that I do love this story and I do want to share my favourite bits xD

This is later on in the scene at the waterfall that I just shared, the end of the scene.

The wind was cold in her face, and held a taste of victory. She could feel it. It was by no means a one-way road, back to life and living and happiness, but it was a start. A start was all that she needed at this point. A way to see that there was a road ahead of her, not the terrible darkness that seemed all she’d been able to see since her father’s announcement. “What would I do without you?” she murmured, and this time she didn’t try to make sure Deryn heard it. If she did, well and good—and if she did not, also well and good. God be thanked for true, staunch sisters who would stand by through thick and thin! What would she be without Deryn, whose companionship she had known for all the years of her growing up? She bent, and splashed icy water on her face. Some of it ran down her neck, freezing cold; no matter. She could get warm again on the companionable journey home, as she and her sister had a talk such as they had not had in years.

I just - when I was writing this scene I had one particular sister in mind - and I still love her and still feel this way about her, but it's interesting because now I would also include my brother in this kind of particular closeness. I don't know. I love this, anyway. I would love feedback too!

(This is excerpt #7. #5 and #6 are in the same post, all the others are separate posts, and at least approximately suitably tagged. Chronologically ordered also.)

#suh excerpts #story:hiraeth #suh #currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested #aelwen #deryn #my BELOVEDS #your honor i love them #excerpts #my writing #ask #thanks for the ask!