#story:hiraeth
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She dreamed, as she had before, of her sister.
In her dream she was laughing, sparkling, as beautiful as Deryn remembered her. And then the laughter bled out of her, and she looked calmly and quietly at Deryn, and then Aelwen whispered, "I didn't mean to."
It looked like it! she wanted to scream back, but she could not shatter this perfect moment, this dream that she ached for in reality. How can you say you didn't mean to! I saw you! And she would never unsee it. It always came back, in her dreams.
"What did you mean?" she whispered back.
"All I wanted was for things to stop. It hurt, Deryn. Living hurt."
And now you're dead. The sparkle was dying out of Aelwen's eyes as it had died moons ago. "How could you do this to us," whispered Deryn. She tried to phrase it in a way that was empty of accusation, but the echoing spaces were large enough that accusation fit snugly in.
"I didn't mean to...."
And Deryn awoke, cold and shivering and alone, as she had been for many moons. She couldn't even make plans to visit her sister, not unless she wanted to go to the cemetery.
Rage ached in her bones and called to be set free: rage and - yes, grief, a weight in her ribcage. She wished she'd told Aelwen she loved her, the last time they met alive. Perhaps something would have been different.
Perhaps Aelwen would have said something about the choice she was making.
Things might have been different, if only.
They were fixed, and nothing could ever change again.
"Dear God, no," breathed Deryn, half lost in her pillow, and rolled over and got up. The clear bright moonlight silvered her hair as she stood at the window, looking out on the empty land.
#deryn#aelwen#my writing#story:hiraeth#this is a second part to a story i wrote back in august (crossposted on AO3)#I just reread that first part and HMMM i still Feel It#haven't tried seriously killing myself that way yet (not that needed medical help anyway) but i can So relate to aelwen#tw suicide#nearly forgot that tag whoop
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Okay so! This is a snippet from Hiraeth, which is not one I've shared many snippets from. It tears my heart out to even reread it, but I'm pretty proud of the way I've written quite a few parts of this story - it was really hard. This is the end of a scene, around a third of the way in - after the betrayal and while she's still trying to make her peace with it. This section I left completely untouched when I edited it, though I haven't gone through anyone else's corrections so it will probably change to some extent in the final version.
So the thoughts stayed, heavy and solid, inside her, without being expressed out loud. Sometimes she thought she might drown in them, caught in the agony of memory, and wished she could somehow forget.
The grief of the loss and betrayal might never fade, and in the meantime, she could not look around in simple pleasure for the beauty of the world. It seemed so trivial, compared to that.
It was in the trivial things of life, sometimes, that joy was best and most delightfully found; right now all the joy seemed sucked out of the world. How could she continue to believe, if she could see nothing of the beauty of the world God had created?
She was afraid.
Please tell me what you think of it! If you want a happier snippet I can find a bit from earlier in the same story, which provides a nice contrast (well, I thought so anyway :P )
#suh#suh excerpts#story:hiraeth#aelwen#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested#writing#my writing#excerpts#ask#thanks for the ask!
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All the heart asks for Aelwen 👀
Aelwen, you say! Gosh, I ought to write another story with her, ay? I do so love her. But also, because I've only written one story about her and whatnot, I actually haven't developed her character a great deal, so this was a struggle to answer lol
❤️ RED HEART — what are three of your oc's positive traits?
Optimism, joy and faith.
🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?
Stubbornness, very strong preference for her own company, self deprecating at times
💔 BROKEN HEART — what are three of your oc's negative traits?
Rudeness, impulsivity, antisocial behaviour
💘 HEART WITH ARROW — what and/or who do(es) your oc consider the most important to them?
After her faith, Aelwen considers her special places to be the most important. If she came to her favourite waterfall to be alone and found someone else already there, for instance, she would not be happy.
🧡 ORANGE HEART — does your oc tend to prioritize family or friends?
Family, as she does not trust easily and has few, if any, real friends.
💛 YELLOW HEART — how many languages does your oc speak? what language(s) are they learning, if any?
Only English.
💚 GREEN HEART — does your oc prefer being inside or outside?
Outside all the way.
💙 BLUE HEART — does your oc have any cool/special powers and/or abilities? how are they with magic, if it exists in their world?
No magic, sorry!
💜 PURPLE HEART — what is your oc's ancestry/genetic background?
Big ol shrug emoji. A lot of the story is introspection and how she deals with a crisis of faith lol
🖤 BLACK HEART — has your oc killed or seriously wounded anyone before? have they broken someone's heart and/or broken someone's trust?
Nope.
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💥 and 🌕 for any or all WIPs you have!
'Any or all' you say! I'll answer this for multiple, just because I can. Project names in bold are the tags I use for these ones if you want to look them up (and also feel free to ask me about them!), some more talked of than others.
💥 - What is the main conflict of the wip?
taira - The danger of the dragon rising is becoming more and more prominent, especially once Taira the white rabbit exists. Taira and her friends are trying to stop it from happening. [drafted and unedited]
knitting oc - Patience is angry that she has a new adopted sister, and the main focal point of the story is really them getting to know each other and getting along. Two fun facts: one, Patience is one of my older OCs who I've recently realised is unintentionally autistic, and two, that whole story is heavily inspired by Dear Enemy, only platonic and whatnot. [partially planned]
vaniah - Arranged marriage happens (well, to simplify), and they - already good friends - have to work out how to get along in a marriage. Also Emily discovers how terrible Vaniah's self-esteem is, and also many terrible things he's done she never knew about. They kinda pull each other out of their problems in a way. The conflict is much more internal than anything else. [drafting rn]
adira - Adira trying to work out the truth of the world and how it was created and who God is, really. More complicated than that but it can truly be summed up into What is truth? [much draft but mess]
story:wcb - a short story (well, currently 23k and expected to get more like 25k I think by the time I'm finished the final round of editing). The main conflict is that Miriam and Edward are trying to work out what happens after you die. Because (spoilers) Miriam hasn't got long to live. So there are lots of emotions and things. I never meant to get attached to Miriam as a character tbh - she's a background character already deceased by the time Edward appears in Adira's story. But when I was brainstorming short stories surrounding Adira's, this was one of the stories that came to mind pretty quickly. [on second-last round of edits]
story:hiraeth - another short story (13k, from memory), this one dealing with a crisis of faith of a completely different character, after her father loses his faith. It's an extremely personal story to me, as it deals with what I went through (not entirely the same, of course) after two of my siblings (a couple of years apart) lost their faith. [on second-last round of edits]
judastale - a novel still in the planning stages, which I'd intended to write next but I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up being my nanowrimo project, since vaniah jumped the gun and I started writing it earlier than I intended to xD It's a Bible-based novel about Judas, from a somewhat sympathetic viewpoint, but - of course - ultimately a tragedy. I intend to remain faithful to the Biblical account, but to add in things to make it human and - yes, if I do it right I expect to end up crying over Judas Iscariot. So far I've written a short prologue and nothing more until I get my notes in order; I really might just wait until November and write it then. [planning]
inklings - I originally began to write this as a short story for the Inklings Challenge, for which I was part of Team Lewis during October last year, using an old OC from when I was in year 10 (who is one of the other 'huh she's autistic' characters lol). The story revolves around Hadassah finding a place for herself in the world, really, but she also goes through a portal to a new world during the story. I've written 8k so far, and she's just gone through the portal and beyond that I've basically stopped because I need to do more planning of what happens beyond the portal. I wrote two shorter stories, one of which is available both here and on my website under two different titles I think lol and the other I'm not yet happy with; both were to submit to fairly local competitions, and surprisingly both were commended in their competitions. I'll probably post the other at least to my website at some point. This story is very dear to my heart; though it started out entirely different, it was directly written when I was in year 10 as a coping mechanism because I didn't have many friends and I couldn't understand why I didn't and why I was always the forgettable one. I still don't understand it entirely, but I've got more used to it, and found more friends who don't forget about me. (And friends who get annoyed by me as well as being friends, but that's just life I suppose.) [partly written and planning]
"Do I have any other wips really right now? Ah yes that other one - nope that's nonfiction and wouldn't suit this question. And that other one - wait no that's literally tagged secret project for a reason. What about that one - silly silly I haven't even opened the Scrivener file for months even though I have edits waiting for it, I can't call it a wip at present."
~
I couldn't see an emoji matching the second one you sent... feel free to either give me a different emoji or clarify which one you wanted, sorry!
Ask me to elaborate on anything of what I've mentioned above if you like!
#ask#thanks for the ask!#catkin rambles#taira#knitting oc#vaniah#adira#story:wcb#story:hiraeth#judastale#inklings#i acutally considered reforming hadassah's story into something similar to how it started out as instead of this completely different story#but i had already considered that i dont think im good enough at writeing an unreliable narrator#feel free to ask me anything about these#oh huh i don't even have a tag for the one i haven't touched in months with edits waiting. interesting
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What is Hiraeth about?
In summary, it's about a man who has lost his faith, and how that affects his family, from the perspective of his daughter. Ultimately the focus is on how her faith is tested, and how she comes through it all. I intend to publish this as part of a five-story collection, hopefully later this year. There are more details on my website, I'm pretty sure, but I can't remember where; I'll look it up later maybe.
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She had once thought joy came now, but now she knew it was a gentle quietness and the strength of a steadfast faith, which, God willing, would grow through the rest of her life, until at last she could look the Lord Jesus Christ in the face and hear him say, Well done, good and faithful servant.
Enter into the joy of your master.
And in the meantime, she would pray for her father, never pausing in that task until the last day, or until he returned to his faith.
so this is the ending of hiraeth at present, which I absolutely love BUT i also hate it for Reasons
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Oho another anonymous! And another snippet from Hiraeth, because apparently that's the story I'm sharing bits of today :P
Okay so this section was terribly hard to write, for reasons that ought to be obvious, but in the end I'm unexpectedly proud of how it came out - I mean - well, I hope you know what I mean. This is the bit that continued from the previously shared snippet, that I decided not to share then, but here it is now. The 'she' referred to is Aelwen's mother, and 'he' is her father.
“Please.” She took an involuntary step forward, desperation in her voice. “Please, please, come back with us, even just once, I beg you—try it again, or talk to me—to us—”
He lifted his head and glanced at her, looking older than his years. There were shadows on his face, still largely covered by his capable hands. “Don’t bother me with it,” he replied tiredly. “I’m not coming. I’ve had all the years to try, and I tried, I tried to believe, and I just couldn’t. Don’t try and pretend that it’s a thing that I can just will into being.” He leaned his head on his hands again and added, “I wish it were the case, but faith is harder than that, and I simply don’t believe any more. This is the harder way out. If I’d been any weaker, I would have stayed, kept on going with you, but it would be hypocritical of me to do that, don’t you think? As it was, it was terribly hard to convince myself to come clean to you all and tell you about it.”
It was as if, Aelwen realised as she stood there, very still and horrified, he had finally snapped and decided to tell them everything that he had not revealed before, no matter how much it may hurt them in the process.
“If God was real,” he continued, in an impassioned voice, “I’d know about it. Goodness knows I’ve been searching for years and years, and not found any evidence. I just didn’t want to bother you with it, but eventually, it became too much. I dislike to live a lie,” her father said, biting off each word precisely. “I have been a hypocrite for far too long throughout my life, and it changed when I finally told my family how I truly felt. I am not intending to go back and become one of those sheep again, following a system of belief just because it seems convenient, easy or what you grew up in.”
“Believing the Bible in truth is not the easy path,” said her mother, sounding like she was scarcely holding back tears.
He ignored her. “I’m not coming. Please don’t ask me again. If I ever decide that I will come back, whether to stay or just to confirm that I’ve made the right decision….”
There was an unnecessary jab, put in because he was angry and upset. Aelwen could recognise it far too easily: he wanted to hurt them, maybe because he still wanted his faith back.
“…I will. But don’t try and push me. If you do, you’re liable to get results that you didn’t actually want.”
“Such as?” Her voice trembled even more.
“Trust me. You don’t want to know.” He got up, abruptly, and walked out of the room without a backward glance.
If from the point of view of the other side this interpretation of his emotions doesn't really make sense, don't forget that all this is from Aelwen's POV - she may or may not be interpreting his reasons correctly. She still holds her faith, and doesn't understand how he can not, even though at times she is slipping into despair.
I would love feedback on this. (excerpt #4 for today)
#ask#thanks for the ask!#once again this was drawn from real life tho this scene didn't precisely happen#but from things ive read written by the specific people i originally wrote this story about/bc of - what her father says seems similar to#what they say.#suh#suh excerpts#story:hiraeth#excerpts#my writing#writing#feedback welcome!#im sorry this is so doomy and gloomy this story#but! it is a story of hope in some ways#anyway#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested
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This appears in my asks: "not to toot my own horn too much but ik you've expressed interest in my stories before so. there are snippets-"
stops reading to go frantically search for Hiraeth excerpts
my dear, catkin, I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!👀
also I am a cheater - what happens someone asks for two?
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Then, I suppose, you get two! Still from Hiraeth.
“Why?” she asked. “Not why would you follow them, but why would you shift so far away? Aren’t there things keeping you here?”
“I want to see the world.”
She shrugged, and said, “Fair point. I hope you’ll chase all your dreams and find them well worth the effort.”
Neil smiled. “I hope so. Anyway, I want to be a doctor.”
I loved writing this section. It's a conversation between Deryn (Aelwen's younger sister) and Neil. I loved writing (and still love reading it over) about him as a fresh unspoiled young thing, rather than the jaded, bitter and sometimes cruel man he appears as in Adira's story. Even the doctor thing, in this case, means a lot, because it was a dream he'd always had, but by the time he actually became a doctor it was as much out of defiance as anything else, and in some ways, by practicing the profession, he's forcing himself to relive certain griefs that happen between this story (in which he's 13 or so) and then. (It's... complicated. I love him)
One thing I really like about the inclusion of this scene, although it definitely risks appearing to wander away from the main plot, is that it lightens it a bit; the middle was heavy and hard to write, but once I included Deryn a bit more as a POV character it lightened the mood and pulled it away from being a slog. Not certain that the entire scene and some others worked very well overall (I'll have to see what editor thought of it as to how I keep them in) but certainly their inclusion really helped the story as a whole and how I felt about it. (Originally it was literally finding an excuse to include it in this collection, finding some way or character to tie it to Adira's story xD that was it that was the entire motivation for including him.)
And another, still from later on than that. I was so tempted to give you the massive slab of description as Aelwen walks towards a waterfall (the scene was originally patterned on one very specific visit to a waterfall last year, a waterfall I want to go back and visit again someday tho it's far away from me) but I'm not entirely happy with the prose, though what it's trying to say is good; there are a few awkward bits. Instead, this is a few paragraphs later, just before one of the important character beats in the story.
She was careful as she scuttled over to a rock overhanging the deep pool the waterfall deposited into, but nevertheless she almost slipped, and had to clutch at the rock to steady herself. It was cold and wet and rough under her fingers, and felt like the first truly real thing she had touched for far too long.
The blanket of apathy, maybe only for a moment, was gone again. Perhaps it was a mere illusion, something she could scarcely appreciate for a moment before it was snatched away—no lasting peace—but Aelwen had already learned she starved without it, and was glad to find something of it.
Her thoughts, roving here and there, suddenly caught on a verse she had always loved. The peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall encompass your hearts and minds. She could not remember where it came from, but she knew it to be a verse, sent from God at this moment for her to remember it.
She could have the peace of God again. It might take time, but she could find it again, even if she was struggling right now. There was another verse, too; something about joy coming in the morning. She remembered a day before all this had started, a day so incandescently happy that she had thought there could not possibly be sorrow in all of the world.
Now she was both older and wiser, and sadder too; but there was hope.
Oh, and two paragraphs later she prays about everything and cries about it and then her sister comes to comfort her, and it's just a really nice scene. 'what are you doing here' 'I just wanted to make sure you're alright' 'it's half an hour travel each way from home you travelling an hour to make sure I'm alright???' <- that sort of thing
I hope you like these. In some ways it amuses me that I'm reading over some of it and going I know what I was like when I wrote that. How did I write that. More really, how was that so true to my current experiences when I'd never experienced them to this intensity before.
I would love feedback from anyone and everyone, on both of these excerpts (#5 and #6)
#feebdack is v welcome!#suh excerpts#suh#story:hiraeth#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested#excerpts#my writing#ask#thanks for the ask!
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Hello anonymous! Here's another bit from Hiraeth. It's part of a significantly longer bit that I'm pretty proud of, but I cut it here rather than also sharing the next section. After all, I probably shouldn't be sharing everything of this story anyhow :P
[...] She snorted in near silence, annoyed by her own blind inability to see truly.
Ever an optimist. Ever cast down by the true reality as it unfolded before her.
Ever a lover of nature.
Aelwen looked out the window with a weary sigh. Everything felt hard, and not only hard—remote and nothing that she needed to care about, really. Apathy had long since shown itself as a viable option, and—to her shame—she found herself grasping at it, instead of the despair that settled more and more deeply into her bones at every passing day.
The clouds chased each other, white and fluffy and clean, across the clear blue sky. They were so beautiful, and she longed to feel the wind on her face.
If they hadn’t been just about to go to meet with the other believers, she would have gone out and tried to appreciate the beauty she had long adored.
Fun fact: I have a note that I put in this section that reads 'Aelwen is SPIRALING here I think!' which somehow amuses me. Especially given when I wrote this first.
I think I would have more sympathy with Aelwen if I were writing this now (looking at you '--to her shame--' line).
I would love feedback! Also (keeping this straight for myself) this is the third excerpt I've shared, chronologically sharing, today. There's chunks between them, of course.
#suh#suh excerpts#story:hiraeth#aelwen#excerpts#my writing#ask#thanks for the ask!#wow I really did decide to just share excerpts from hiraeth all over the place just now didn't i#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested#<- a tag I should use on anything in which im significantly discussing suh tbh
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You also get a snippet from Hiraeth! This is from the scene after the one I just shared, and despite the clumsy wording at times (also unedited, currently) I like the way it comes across. I'd love thoughts on it!
Aelwen swallowed, and said awkwardly, “What about….” She hesitated. The word she wanted to use seemed to accept a greater level of closeness than she felt for him anymore, but she said it anyway. “What about Dad?”
Maybe after the pain and shock of his betrayal faded a little, she’d be able to forge a new connection with him; not like they had been, close, with so much she had learnt from him, but different. A little more like strangers.
She remembered a line she had read once in a book, about people who had shared history. How they were worse than strangers, for they could never become friends again.
“I offered for him to come, but he said he was busy.”
He couldn’t face his family either, a family he had made.
Suddenly Aelwen was burning with anger. Her grief and dread and desperation twisted into a mad, blazing fury, at him. It was his fault, all his—
I would love feedback here, too :) And if you want a happier snippet also do tell me and I'll dig up another one :D
#also you guys have no idea of the THEMES and PARALLELS that appear when she usees the word dad#it's tied back to#adira#and the way she interacts with her dad after his much worse betrayal of her#suh#suh excerpts#story:hiraeth#aelwen#the next snippet with the next ask in my inbox is a BANGER tho#ALSO from hiraeth#the full snippet would be long tho so I might just pick a section of it#ask
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I would say 'stop stop' except that I do love this story and I do want to share my favourite bits xD
This is later on in the scene at the waterfall that I just shared, the end of the scene.
The wind was cold in her face, and held a taste of victory. She could feel it. It was by no means a one-way road, back to life and living and happiness, but it was a start.
A start was all that she needed at this point. A way to see that there was a road ahead of her, not the terrible darkness that seemed all she’d been able to see since her father’s announcement.
“What would I do without you?” she murmured, and this time she didn’t try to make sure Deryn heard it. If she did, well and good—and if she did not, also well and good.
God be thanked for true, staunch sisters who would stand by through thick and thin! What would she be without Deryn, whose companionship she had known for all the years of her growing up?
She bent, and splashed icy water on her face. Some of it ran down her neck, freezing cold; no matter. She could get warm again on the companionable journey home, as she and her sister had a talk such as they had not had in years.
I just - when I was writing this scene I had one particular sister in mind - and I still love her and still feel this way about her, but it's interesting because now I would also include my brother in this kind of particular closeness. I don't know. I love this, anyway. I would love feedback too!
(This is excerpt #7. #5 and #6 are in the same post, all the others are separate posts, and at least approximately suitably tagged. Chronologically ordered also.)
#suh excerpts#story:hiraeth#suh#currently vaguely gathering together a launch team: dm if interested#aelwen#deryn#my BELOVEDS#your honor i love them#excerpts#my writing#ask#thanks for the ask!
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