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bita-bita · 5 months

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As I said, my doctors are panicking abt my medical test results. And I'm still in the process of having more tests done.

Um.. so last night I was really depressed cuz my doc literally said I might die ://// idk if he meant it FOR REAL or if he just wanted to make sure I know it's a serious case and I should keep getting checked just to make sure it's nothing. Ok Idk, my body feels alright tbh, I'm really surprised they're suddenly saying that sort of stuff- ANYWAY.

What I wanted to say is that I believe anything that happens is connected to our inner feelings and thoughts. Like.. idk, illnesses can be a sign of oppressed emotions, jealousy or long-term anxiety, holding a grudge, envy or fears and stuff like that. Um, so when I was faced with this situation, I tried to find a lesson in it. And sometimes "bad things" that happen can actually help push us in the direction we desire.

For example, I'm a very anxious person. I have anxiety. And I'm hard on myself in the sense that I think I'm responsible about how I make ppl feel. (And yes that's true to a certain degree, I shouldn't go around kicking ppl. But do I need to overthink my every word and tone and action to the point of being extremely anxious? Do I have to hold such a high standard when it comes to every move I make?) I KNOW it's not good. It bothers me. It feels bad. But it was never bad enough to make me wanna make a serious change, yk? It's easier to just.. let it be and have the same familiar thoughts and feelings.

And so, the importance of the situation made me FORCE MYSELF to take some time and direct my thoughts in a way that I intended, not just some default patterns that cause me anxiety. Not to go with the familiar flow.

Cuz if I keep being the same person, having the same thoughts and feelings, doing the same things, how can I create something different? How can I expect to be a better, healthier, happier Bita?

I actually thought about it, cuz I was forced to! And I'm glad I was. Cuz otherwise I probably wouldn't have. and I realized, well I am gonna die someday, whether now or years from now, really doesn't make a difference, but thinking about the possibility of it all coming to an end, made me realize I don't want to live a life filled with worry and anxiety. I noticed I have goals and dreams. There are things I wanna experience, as Bita, in this time space reality. I know it doesn't end, and I know my experience of existence isn't limited to 100 years in Bita's human body. but still, there are things I wanna do AS Bita. And so I've decided nothing is worth getting mad at, and nothing is worth worrying over or getting anxious about. It's not worth it, not if it's going to cause distress to my lovely body. It's serving me well, it's doing its best, how can I put so much stress on it? How can I be so hateful towards it? How can I not be gentle and appreciative with it? It deserves all the love! It connects me to the physical realm! It lets me taste delicious food that's only possible in this amazing physical world! It helps me breathe, it pumps blood and life through my vains, and it moves me around the world, to beautiful places! Yeah nonphysical is cool and all, and yeah, I'd love to go back there and get the answers to my many questions, but.. but this world is soooo cool too! It's limited in a sense, yes. Things take fucking long to get created here, yesss. BUT CAKE! I WANNA EAT CAKE! You can't grab a piece of cake and bite into it in the nonphysical, you can't tasteeee the sweet taste on your tongue, it's not a concentrated feeling, it's great yeah but it's vague and it's... it's not physical!! I realized I LIKE physical! I still want to be physical! I'm not done with this world yet! And more importantly, I refuse to go out with an illness!!! I want a cool way of going *wooosh* back to nonphysical!

I mean if it's nothing and I'll keep living, I'd like to live a better life here for now! And if I'm to die, then I'd like to die with a good feeling, not like a miserable saddd person :/

Surely I still feel anxiety about the situation, and other things. but that's just a pattern that's familiar to me. it will take some time to change, but if I hold onto this feeling, this memory, this awakening, I'll eventually grow out of this habbit.

Mom is complaining abt something I did? Not worth getting upset about.

My friend did something I didn't like? Why get mad when I can keep my heart open and see people as.. just people. they are trying too, they have challenges too, not everyone wants to harm me, not everyone has ill intentions. I should love, for my sake. Not because they deserve it or don't.

I am my responsibility. I'm willing to let go, to forgive, to trust, to love, because of myself. Because it feels good to ME. It feels better than hating and criticizing.

To put it simply, I'm gonna chill out y'all!!! Everything has a solution. Everything can be fixed or replaced. Life is not a big deal. It's really not.

Pt. 2

#talk talk #cw: illness #cw: death #tw: death #tw: illness #law of attraction #spirituality #or whatever you wanna call it #just tagging to find it later if I need

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iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia · 9 months

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i wanna add more will wood's songs for julian because ig this is his kin artist now (i am SO NORMAL abt these songs and how it ties to julian's character)

cw for alcoholism, death, suicide

there will be mentions of his reversed ending too

Um, it's Kind of a Lot

"Oh, I love you so much it scares me half to death. the other half, I guess I'm giving to you"

"And I'm afraid you'll notice all my flaws. I'm afraid you already have, obviously"

"And I'm afraid I'll come on too strong, hold you too tight, and scare you too"

the last one is so julian i cant even

"But I never been afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve"

"At least to prove I'm weak, and if you cut me, I'll bleed"

i mean come on, look at that, its so perfectly julian i dont even have to explain

"I'll twist my words, a clever turn of phrase"

"Sorry, darling, please excuse my constant need to self-aggrandize. Coddling my narcissism"

we do not talk enough abt how julian also has that kind of like bravado but just not as bad as lucio's lmaoo

"So here's one last lyric to sum up these thoughts I struggled to come up with"

"To make me sound deep and smart, and then I promise I'll shut up"

"Wait, let me think, hold on, I got this"

"Anything but 'I'm in love with you'"

the third lyric is just the cherry on top, the unsure of it all and just kinda fumbling over your own words, its so julian

2012

"I was an existential criminal, so innocently cynical"

hes a fugitive!!

"Originally meant to live a God-damned miracle"

"Might've been metaphysical, but I think it was medical"

i think this could refer how he was literally dying from the plague and met the hanged man, so he was very close to dying or i think he did die and he came back with his mark (? idk tbh). well hes not dead now so it was a miracle but yk, julian is a skeptic so the line "but i think it was medical" fits him sooo much. hes a doctor! i'll take any medical related words and refs and align it with julian, ty.

"Testing my hypothesis"

"Never finding a theory"

i take back my last sentence. i'll take any science related words and refs and align it with julian, ty

"Did you lose yourself? It's always in the last place that you'd check"

julian talking to mc

"I might find myself by retracing my steps..."

"But I don't remember how I forgot myself"

"I don't remember, I don't remember 2012"

"Wow, the whole year's a blur!"

yea just change that to three years

"I think I bought into the comedy and brought a lot of oddity"

"An odyssey I thought to be consider a commodity"

"And not until anomaly abolished my monotony"

"Did I applaud autonomy and modify a lot of me"

i cant even break this one down tbh but the julian vibe is definitely there

"I heard the world would turn to hell"

"Compared to that, I'm doing well"

birblian cameo??!?! no but srsly i could see birblian going insane and gaslighting himself

The First Step

this is just an alcoholic song tbh...

"You could say I'm plastered, 'cause I hit the wall"

this is just a funny line tbh, not that deep, just julian hitting the wall like a cartoon

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"But I’d probably just a-drink that too!"

thats the alcoholic line. yk julian's a pessimistic, trying to see the glass half full instead of half empty but he'd probably drink that too

"Well I bet that a bottle of brandy so bitter’d be better than bitin’ the bullet and betterin’ myself"

"Sorry if I slur!"

if you listen to the song, will wood was actually slurring that first line. i have a hc that julian has two opposite talking mannerism. first one that he stutters (that part is canon) a lot and repeats his word. you get that or he slurs and talks so fast, theres no in between

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"Even when I'm empty, half-full"

"I’d try to see the glass as half full"

"But I’d probably just- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

this is just a bonus. i just want to include it

Half-Decade Hangover

this song RUINED me actually so heres some angst (i avoid this song even tho i love it sm its such a banger but i cry everytime i listen to it. i really recommend listening to the song just so u can hear just the raw emotions. i also recommend going to the genius lyric page bc will wood himself actually annotate some of the lyrics im im im sorry im fanboying rn)

"Wonder how I didn’t die"

"This is not my life, I’m no survivor, I only happened to survive"

ooooof... again, with the dying theme, my god

"I was drunk when I made my bed"

"Now with a half-decade hangover I lay down in it"

"What have I done? Don't know what I've said"

ooooww yikes, that last line is kinda like a double whammy. julian not remembering his last 3 years bc of that amnesia OR in the reversed ending, "what have i done" but in a regretful way its so sad too bc after he made that deal with the devil all he did was drink himself to - well not death but yk.

"Give back my life, and if not"

"Take it, 'cause lately I been thinking maybe I could take it or leave it"

"If I can’t at least break even, then I’m leaving when"

"I been feelin' this awful since I hit bottom and"

"Said, 'Hand me my shovel, I’m going in!'"

that two first line is julian confronting to the devil. "take it (my life)" that line hits me like a train bc it has been hinted that julian have quite the suicidal tendencies and that was BEFORE shit went down. imagine how worse it got after the whole deal with the devil and him being cursed. he fought the devil so many times... it makes me wonder if he also did it, hoping he would die in the process. also the last line is a reference to one of will wood's song "Hand Me My Shovel, I'm Going In!" which a few ppl also recommend it for julian.

"Like it’s a good thing you said, 'You’ve got your whole life ahead'"

"Oh great, another half a century to live to regret"

"I’d rather be anybody else instead"

pretty forward with this one, this is depressing im sorry

"Please believe me when I say that I’ve poured my whole past down the drain"

thats pretty literally. he exchanged his memories of those three years for the healing mark

"Say that a second chance is a chance I can take"

"But I can’t make amends for things I can't remember"

"I can only say I'm sorry and occasionally pray"

he got a second chance to live, he no longer has the plague. also that second line, i mean julian traded the memories he didnt want so mustve thought he did something bad but now he cant really make amends bc he doesn't remember (not yet at least)

okay thats all, im sorry this was such a rollercoaster

@dandydanthelion :O the way you just broke down all those lyrics and fit them into his character, that was incredible and made so much sense!

It's not even a question at this point if they belong on the playlist (just added them) XD

Thank you for sending these friend! I always love to see your name pop up in my inbox ^.^

#ask arcana brainrot #arcana brainrot playlist #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #julian devorak #julian the arcana #the arcana game

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catnherthoughts · 1 year

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not doing too well 3/6/23

how wonderful my life is. i get to go through all of this all on my own. i don't think i've ever felt this alone before. yes, i can talk to my friends about my issues but at the end of the day they don't care that much. they can't care enough to fix it. it's whatever, we ball i guess. he walks around and goes about his days. i bet he doesn't even think about me. wow. he just used me for sex. he could have just said that. why lie to me? why manipulate me? i don't think you're a good person anymore. i'm not sure i want to be a woman in business anymore. i'm not sure if i want to be a woman in this world anymore. i don't feel the overwhelming urge to keep living. what is the point? we have no clue tbh. no one knows. i don't feel like there is a point in me being here. then again, if i was meant to kms then one of my 8 suicide attempts would have worked. maybe 9th time is a charm. i am simply so sick of being alive. i do not want to do this any longer and i've been saying this for yearsssss now. just because i'm not ruining my life, im passively going through life day by day, i somehow got into college and am sitting in my macroeconomics course with a 3.3 gpa. i haven't done anything wonderful to continue living, i've just been passing by. i say to myself "lets just get through today and then you can sleep" or "just get through this week and then we can have fun this weekend". whatever. i always find myself becoming a bit nihlistic when i feel suicidal. "it doesn't matter" i chant. because it really doesn't. if someone who doesn't really want to live can get this far then does it really matter. i feel like shit, probably look like shit, and I just want to sleep forever. yet, i have midterms to study for. maybe if i fail my midterms i'll kill myself. oooo. yum. maybe i've jsut been letting life slip past me. i've been staying up really late and waking up mid day. weeks go by so quickly. i wonder who i even am anymore. also i'm sick! coping by kissing frat men is not the way to go. i hope they're not counting on me to be larger than live. live is already large enough to exist in. i hope they don't see me as a person who has it all. the perfect woman. take my spot. take my soul. i am disposable to those who know my all. im shaking. maybe its the coffee? who knows. im a cluster of energy walking through the world. maybe the angel prophecy of cat***** ******** created by someone who once loved me is true. she also left. this is a cruel worldd. the punishment i recieve has to be deserved. if im alive to be beaten down then im ready for the final punch. maybe i can be loved in death. my mom loves me? does that count for something. jesus that woman doesn't even know me. im shaking so much. why did i drink coffee? i wanted to be cool and have energy and be the one ppl envy w my dunkin cup. now my tummy hurts. man. i wonder what my therapist will say today. this is kind of a life or death meeting. maybe she'll give me some words of wisdom that will make me think this life is worth living. its either that or i die. i don't really like passing through life. yk being alive its not too fun. i don't like having to do schoolwork. although i kinda like this class. i should've come to this more often. being up before noon is so odd. its 10 am and im fully awake and i'm living. so many different people exist. i don't think a single one of them can love me. i look so bad today. i dont give sexy like usual, im giving depression. i wonder if when he saw me yesterday he knew i was down. i wonder what to do. how do people go on? these scars of this man might always be on me. that's sad. i feel nauseous. I wish i was a better person. maybe then i wouldn't be so sad. if i was like this girl who is sitting in front of me, with an assignment tracker.someone who goes to all of their classes. she also looks pretty. maybe wasting away my life by sleeping until 3 pm is not the best thing. i hope they're not counting on me. god i really hope they're not counting on me.i can barely do this for myself let alone live up to whatever ideals people have.

Tumblr dot com has it out for me i think. what if i wanted to have a fat blob of text? huh? anyways im currently in my class about close relationships along the lifespan and im talking to my roomie about how we've been in a mutual depressive episode. i miss being loved. i had a dream about her and it felt so nice. to kiss. to cuddle. i wonder if i had love if i'd crave it as much as i do in it's absence. the insane hyper fixation i have on it. i could fall in love with many people. its not like im not desired. is it sad that i wonder what he would do if i died. if the worst is true about this relationship, maybe he'll be like lol damn that crazy got the limited edition wap. im sorry. coping. i think i dragged my roomie into my spiral. sorry girlypop. i don't think this is being taken seriously. like yeah my friends know im suicidal but i don;t think they know how serious i am. taylor pyka i don't have a plan to kill myself don't send me away. i miss the gym. i should go to the gym today. is it too much to ask for a boyfriend? maybe. somehow i got reminded of hoodies and went to look for an old text from him. "are you trying to steal my sweaters miss :)". what happened. where did his love for me go? maybe i was just there to pass the time. there is a guy with a very interesting beanie on. he seems like a good man. who knows maybe he also manipulates women? i should not be mean to this random man. he looked back over. who is this man? whatever he doesn't exist. i don't like how im awake. vomiting vomiting vomiting. thinking about how he pushed my hand away that one time. why does he exist. how does he affect my karmic cycle. i miss texting him. he was such a cutie. now he doesn't exist. you will never find the same person twice, not even in the same person. i wonder if anyone has ever had a crush on me. i can't imagine someone thinking of me in a way like this.

those were my thoughts before i went to therapy slay for 3/6

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bereaving · 3 years

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You definitely don't need to apologize for that 😆 I do that too...

For me it's different cause I love the horror genre. Like not this random, boring clichee sort of horror but this really subtle and deep horror like in Hill House. I'm a huge fan of it. For me it wasn't really important what's it about, I just wanted to continue this anthology.

A lot of people say that honestly 🤔 it's different when you watch Bly first and then Hill House. But they both have a lot of similarities and I love that.

She is! And it's for sure that most of the time where people were going through a traumatic childhood, they turned out to be assholes. Like we have an example right next to Jamie on the same show - Peter. He went through that as a kid and he turned out to be abusive and toxic, mostly. So it's great to see that there's a different way to go with that or to deal with everything Jamie had to deal with as a kid and how she turned out to be as an adult.

So yeah that's really nice to see that people aren't the way you first think they are by how they act, you just need to get to know them and we did after her fantastic speech. I can't tell you how often I watched that because its one of my favorite scenes in the whole season. She definitely is one of the most important characters on the show. It's also a beautiful reference to how a flower needs it time to bloom and so do people, like you said.

I mean she's definitely holding herself back a bit, and she tries to wrap her flirting and overall conversations with Dani up with humor. I think that's a great way of showing someone you really care about them without being too forward. So yeah I agree with you on that she would make a move if she'd be completely sure that's it okay for Dani too. But she would definitely do it in a Jamie - like - way 😂 like acting all cool and being funny yk

Dani is bold af 😆 like she has shown us that so many times and it is refreshing to see. Cause if I'm being honest I didn't think of her that way when I first saw her. I thought she's cute and all but when I first got to know her backstory a bit I immediately changed my mind. Also the scene she had with Henry at the bar was bold af, I'd have never done that for sure 😅

And then everything that happens around her at Bly and with Jamie, no doubt at all.

Haha I had to laugh when Jamie said "who the hell knew" 😂 that was awesome and also gave Dani a feeling of relief. That was the first time she expressed her feelings, her real feelings, to someone she likes so much and no one blamed her for that.

I guess you can see it both ways. I hated how they decided to end it, like they just gave us all and then in the end they took it all away 😪 just seeing how Dani sacrificed herself and then no one even remembered her and she just has no choice but going to Bly again and die there, it was so hard to watch and to accept. And there's Jamie, alone, with just the memories of Dani and she keeps waiting for her to return till the end... that's just heartbreaking and I need to hold back myself from crying every time I even think about it.

It is a masterpiece, no doubt, but I just wish they would let them finally be happy for the rest of their days.

Yeah that's the thing when you watch Bly first I guess 😅 I knew Victoria will be in season 2, too. So I wasn't as surprised about it, but the fact that she played Nell just makes it change a bit. She nails playing those characters with real struggles and she brings them to life in a way I've never seen anybody do it 💯 her microexpressions are so spot on, like I don't even know what to say about it. These two characters are stucked in my head too. Dani a bit more than Nell but that's just because it's so long ago when I watched Hill House.

I mean definitely! I hope Amelia stays on the horror path that would be great for me 😂 also same here, I won't watch YOU I don't know why but it's probably the show in general seems to be not really my thing 😕 unfortunately I have to say...cause i don't get to see Victoria

I really hope they bring them both back to The Haunting Series, I'd love to see Amelia back there and Victoria too 👌 but I guess we have to wait a long time for that

We goin’ under the cut again because this one is also long, my friend haha

A horror two-timer such as myself really doesn’t have any other opinion other than the ones I’ve seen: Bly is and feels more gothic, whereas Hill House is more... I guess classically horror. They are both fantastic, and tbh I had no idea this is what horror does. I’d never looked into horror as a way of expanding the story, and Mike and his team had done that beautifully with The Haunting. Hours after I’d published the ask it occurred to me that the answer was so engrossed with Dani and Jamie that I’d completely forgotten to write about Peter lol whoops. He and Jamie are really two opposites of the spectrum. And in episode 7, I get that the whole deal for that is to get a better insight into his background, and what shapes him and what made him the way that he is. I enjoyed it as a casual watcher, and I liked OJC’s portrayal of him, but to be completely honest, I left that episode with very little added empathy for him. I’ve seen people like him enough both in real life and in fictional portrayals. I know what it’s like to be in the presence of people like him, and it is not in any way pleasant. So yeah, Peter, as this post so eloquently put it, can choke.

Jamie on the other hand... 🥰 Have I mentioned I love her? Lemme just say it again, just because.

Re: “I’m so glad you stayed” scene: That whole tracking shot... ugh, it just gives me goosebumps. I have seen it more than once and every time I need the scene for GIFs or anything, I’d always watch from the moment Owen’s car drives away. These two smol wives own my heart and my soul, and I love them a lot a lot.

Re: the ending Completely understand where you’re coming from, and it’s not something that I can casually think about or even try to sit with without some sort of mental preparation -- like taking a deep breath before you go for a deep dive. It still hurts, I still get sad and cry about the way their story had to end. But, that being said, to me it doesn’t feel like a disservice to their journey. It wasn’t done just for the sake of dramatization, or to show any kind of... hidden morality message, or anything like that. There’s no agenda to the story, is maybe a more succinct way of putting it. Just like any other couples we would see on screen, it treats them with respect. I think we all wish, deep down inside, that they would be able to shake off The Lady and live their best lives, but... I don’t know. Personally, I don’t think it would’ve stayed or created this big of an impact if they were to just ride off into the sunset together.

Another thing to add is how good Bly is at exaggerating and amplifying aspects of real life and making it to be an element of the story. Some people forget you, some people will always wait for you and want to be with you. Some things, you do without thinking and it becomes a habit. Sometimes you lose yourself. Sometimes you’re stuck in circumstances or places you don’t really want to be in, but have to due to obligations and responsibilities. Some places really do have a pull of their own. Sometimes people love wrong, and it consumes you. Sometimes people love right, and it saves you. Maybe that’s just me and my takeaway from it, though. Last time I said Bly has changed the course of my 2020, and by that I mean that it’s taught me to have feelings again, to re-examine things, to care. And I just... love this series. Sadness and all.

MOVING ON 😆 I bow to Victoria. Ari ( @camhowes ) was the one who encouraged me to watch Bly in the first place, and so naturally once I started Hill House I messaged her and said, “I can’t believe Dani and Nell are played by THE SAME ACTRESS???????????” My freak out over her is not over yet, and I am begging anyone to let her be in all the things. I’ll fucking watch it (again... other than You) The way Nell breaks my heart... One of my friends who’s been a long Hill House champ has repeatedly said to me that Theo is the most fascinating sibling, and while I agree to a certain extent... Nell has my heart.

When it comes to Netflix’s You... to be completely blunt, a story that is pitched as “stalker man show, he kills people” is just not gonna appeal to me in general. No offense to anyone but there are just too many men I do not give a squat about. I don’t know if my resolve with this show will change. There’s been a couple sets of Love Quinn that I’ve seen (when she goes to the market in a beanie, or when she’s cooking and baking and drinking wine, or when she apparently went full on revenge baking mode) that are intriguing and is chipping away at my resolve, but... yeah, for the moment, I’m staying away from that series.

And I’m just gonna put a thought out into the universe, that if Miss Amelia Eve is hiring anyone to help her with her dog-walking business, I am available and can start ASAP.

#ask #anonymous #it's another long one folks #thobm asks

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