#do straight men do this?? i heard of two women on tiktok who are married so they can raise their kids together but they aren’t together

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

#lesbian #married to a man #wlw #late blooming lesbian #late bloomer #gay #pride

[quantumgender]

pride ask game by @.hogwartsonline!

i wanted to do this but know i don’t have enough followers here yet to get asks, so i did it myself! under the cut bc it’s long!

1 - What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

i’m quantumgender! its a polygender identity that looks nonbinary/xenic, but is actually made up of man, woman, nonbinary, and xenic identities! i am also pearlian - it’s basically a term for being mlm wlw nblnb and everything in between! i also call myself bi, nonbinary, and trans!

i have a bunch of pronouns, but some of my favs right now are ne/neo, xe/xeno, thon/thons, foe/foes, 🧪, 📟, 🪐, and ⚡! i also use he/him, and it is also my aux if you can’t use neopronouns or emoji pronouns because of neurodivergence or incompatible tech with emojis.

2 - How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

my journey to discovering my sexuality is actually pretty triggering, so please don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with sexual coercion

for a very long time i knew i was attracted to guys! however, i didn’t know i was attracted to girls. i did however, exhibit a lot of signs to be attracted to girls that i didn’t realize - like refusing to go into victoria’s secret, not wanting to watch straight prn because it had women in it, etc. i always thought if i looked at a woman in a sexual sense it would “make me gay” - not realizing that most straight women don’t mind naked women and don’t think looking at them is weird. because i was pretty obviously attracted to women but didn’t know it, this led to a group of “friends” using my inability to back down from dares in order to make me do a lot of sexual things involving women that i otherwise would have been terrified to do. they were a group of wlw that made fun of me for not being “wlw” (i was unaligned nonbinary at the time and they constantly misgendered me). they would tease me until i would write sexual things about women, view sexual imagery of women, or even do sexual acts with a specific girl i (unknowingly) had a crush on. 

this did help me realize that i was bi, and i came upon the label bi immediately because i did then (and still do) have a slight preference for men. even though the road to me discovering my sexuality was very uncomfortable, i am still very proud to be bi and i love my identity

3 - Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

i have been misgendered multiple times! i don’t have too many specific stories because as i am mostly closeted, i am misgendered every day of my life and i’m kind of numb to it. because of that, the most glaring examples of me being misgendered were in LGBT+ spaces.

i used to introduce myself saying that people could use he or she pronouns for me. (actually, even though i do not have them listed, i do use she/her pronouns. i simply do not list them online because i get she/her’d constantly in day to day life so i prefer different pronouns online). a lot of cis people would find this confusing and instead of choosing one pronoun to reference me as, they would default to “they/them” which i have never been comfortable with as a pronoun choice. sometimes i have let this slide, but the one time i did speak up, the cis person looked almost pissed off at me for doing so. to combat this i just started introducing myself as “she/her” so i wouldn’t be misgendered by people getting confused by my multiple pronoun sets and defaulting to “they/them”

the worst was the group in the previous question though. the girl who i had a crush on would always refer to me as they/them even though i told her multiple times those weren’t my pronouns. i never felt like my gender was recognized when i had my (very very short lived) “relationship” with her (it was like 2 weeks long so i don’t think it counts). 

4 - Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

i don’t remember who i told first that i was nonbinary (this is the first LGBT+ identity i ever realized i was). it was a really long time ago. it might have been the person who introduced me to tumblr, and if so, they were probably really excited for me :)

5 - Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

i do not consider myself “out.” although on my college campus i was able to present in a way that aligned more with how i wanted to present (in a fluid manner, switching between wearing masculine, androgynous, and feminine clothing), i still was not “out.” and i didn’t tell anyone besides my friends and a few close teachers what my identity was (bi nonbinary). my parents, many of the people i went to high school with, and in my future job, i will be completely closeted because i live in an incredibly conservative area and could easily be denied a job or rejected (probably only partially, but it would still hurt a LOT) but my parents. 

6 - If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

i’m only out to my friends, they all took it very well. some of the teachers i’ve told seemed really shocked. this is mostly because i only outed myself to speak out on things they were teaching that were blatantly queerphobic, or to give context to a story/argument. 

7 - What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

i really don’t like when people assume that because i’m bi i don’t date trans or nonbinary people. like, ffs, i am trans and nonbinary! bi does not mean two, it has always been inclusive, and i really don’t like when people (mostly gatekeepers) try to rewrite history in a way that insinuates that bi is a transphobic identity.

8 - Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

i have two distinct wardrobes - a “grunge/vintage” wardrobe, and a “alt/punk” wardrobe. my vintage wardrobe contains a bunch of flannels, ripped jeans, and band t shirts from classic rock bands - i have van halen and the who, for example. this aesthetic involves a lot of muted colors like mustard yellow, rust red/orange, and olive green. 

for my alt wardrobe, i have a lot of black. i have shirts that say things like “they came from outer space” in old-timey horror font, some band t shirts (my fav is from my friend’s metal band), a zodiac themed crop top, and one crop top with a pentagram in the back! 

i like these styles because i can wear them as masculine, androgynous, or feminine. i tend to wear a lot of denim and i love my converse and my docs! 

9 - Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

um for canon ones kaworu and shinji’s relationship really is important to me personally! it was the first LGBT+ relationship i saw in a piece of media i actually loved beyond the representation.

for other ships i really love, a lot of them are my personal ships/headcanons. i really like cable and deadpool together, and i like imagining luke, and leia both being married/partners with han! 

10 - What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

makeup for me is an artistic expression! i wear it sometimes when i have the time and energy. i can do a bunch of looks - i can even make myself look more masculine with makeup, which helps when i feel dysphoric about the way i look.

11 - Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

yes, i do! i experience a bunch of different kinds of dysphoria, but none are sever enough that they would be classified as clinical dysphoria (i mean this that they do not cause me severe depression, dissociation, or other severe symptoms). 

i experience a lot of social dysphoria when i am referred to a girl very often, or explicitly excluded from masculine related things (for example, if somebody said i was “too dainty” to lift something [which would not happen because i’m pretty muscular] i would feel dysphoric). i feel euphoric when i am included with both men and women, or referred to with attributes of both of these genders.

as for physical dysphoria, i experience a lot of genital dysphoria, especially surrounding sexual acts. in my day-to-day, i don’t really think about my genitals much, but when it comes to sexual acts, i am very dysphoric about the parts i have.

i also experience varying levels of physical dysphoria. i have a lot of height dysphoria, and i dislike how wide my hips are - i like how large my thighs are, but not how wide my hips are (they’re not even that wide, but when i bind they’re more pronounced without the stuff on top to level it out). i am also dysphoric at times due to my jawline since my chin isn’t as strong as i would like it to be. and, ofc, sometimes i bind. these physical dysphoria features fluctuate from day to day. specifically with binding, sometimes it’s more “hmm, do boobs go with this outfit?” rather than a matter of dysphoria.

12 - What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

oh god, so many things. i think the most harmful one is that the community is full of p*dophiles who abuse children... this one really harms me in particular because i’m a teacher. like no, we are not “harmful sexual deviants” we just experience gender differently and love different people than you do...

13 - What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

i love the supportive parts. i love having a group of likeminded people who i know will respect me when i talk to them. even if i have nothing in common with them, just seeing LGBT+ people open and proud on tiktok makes me feel incredibly loved and validated. 

14 - What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

the gatekeeping and discourse within the community itself. for the love of god, please just treat people like human beings. t*rfs and tr*scum especially make me feel incredibly unsafe and like i have to hide parts of my identity in order to even navigate spaces that are meant for LGBT+ people. i also get incredibly, irredeemably angry at people who joke “those are the weird LGBT+ people we’re the normal ones” and shit like that. like you’re not quirky, you’re just bullying people for clout.

15 - Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

yes, i’ve been to pride in 2 different cities! 1 i went to before i knew i was bi, and 1 after! personally i wasn’t old enough at either of them to truly enjoy the event, but it was nice being able to get some LGBT+ related stuff! i got a tiny rainbow flag!

16 - Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

i love keiynan lonsdale! i don’t actually keep up with too many LGBT+ celebs...oh wait! kesha’s bi! i love her...

17 - Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

i’ve been in one real relationship. we met on tumblr. 

18 - What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

i’ve only read simon vs... i honestly don’t read things just because they’re LGBT+, and reading in general is really difficult for me to do now because i have a lot of trouble concentrating.

19 - Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

i haven’t faced anything too bad. i’ve heard a lot of discriminatory things said (mostly by parents who i can only sometimes argue against). one time a kid in 8th grade called me the d slur, which was horrying as a 13 yo who didn’t even know he was attracted to girls at the time. but again, i’m closeted so i haven’t experienced much

20 - Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

sense8!!!! it has a mlm relationship, a wlw relationship with a trans woman... i really loved it, i’m still so upset it got cancelled :(

21 - Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

i’m going to skip this one, sorry! i love everyone that i follow tho!

22 - Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

i personally don’t reclaim any slurs. i refer to myself as queer, but i don’t count it as a slur personally, as it’s an identity for me, not just a word. i do respect people who are triggered by it though.

23 - Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

there aren’t any gay bars where i live, so no.

24 - How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

i self-id as quantumgender! it’s a gender that on first glance, looks like one thing, but once you look up close, you see it actually has many small moving parts that make up the whole.

on the outside my gender looks “nonbinary” or xenic. i love both of these terms and they’re great for describing my overall experience. however, when you look up close, my gender is actually parts man, girl, nonbinary, and xenic, and they fluctuate (like they would on a quantum level!) so it just... describes my gender very well, especially how my gender fluctuates!

25 - Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

i don’t think so. there’s a lot of reasons and many of them are personal and i just.. i don’t think so.

26 - What identity advice would you give your younger self?

this isn’t identity advice so much as kindness advice but - don’t look down on others for their identity and don’t let anyone else convince you to treat people like they are less than human. we should support each other, not tear each other down.

27 - What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

these gender roles taste disgusting

28 - Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

gender go brrrrrr aeiouaioue john madden

29 - What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

being LGBT+ should be about lifting each other up even if their experiences don’t align with our own, and helping other communities that need our support. if you don’t love black LGBT+ ppl and other LGBT+ poc, if you don’t love disables LGBT+ ppl, if you don’t love mentally ill LGBT+, if you don’t love trans and nonbinary people... you’re not LGBT+, because you don’t support everyone that is included, supported, and loved within our community. if you don’t love all of us, you are poisoning our spaces of positivity and social change and you don’t belong with us.

30 - Why are proud to be lgbt+?

i... i don’t know. to me, my identities are just a part of me. they aren’t something to be happy or sad about, or proud or ashamed of. they just... are, and i love them as a part of me.

#personal #long post