#for i. too. have been tired this whooooole month

[denimjacketkisses]

90′s Baby

Description: A series of glances into Bucky and the new Agent’s (whose got him wrapped around his finger) life.

Warning: Fluff, Mentions of Abuse, Blood?

A/N: I told you I would be back once I got access to a laptop. I’ve been writing this through my phone for months now, so hopefully, y’all enjoy. I have somewhat checked for spelling/grammar errors and it’s too long for me to actually look at it, so apologies in advance. 

He’d been used to being up at all hours of the night, the nightmares didn’t plague him as much anymore but he enjoyed the quiet. He didn’t think that a 3am drive would mean listening to you (the agent Fury assigned to Sam and him) blaring the lyrics of some song that he didn’t know. 

(Sam did though, since he kept making the same hand motion as you every time the chorus came back around.)

Bucky sighed, his head hitting the back of the passenger seat. 

“When you punch Baron ZERO in the face, can I play this song in the background?!” You laughed, yelling the chorus again, Sam and you making the hand motion once again. His eyes lulled to the side, watching your face to see if you were serious - he couldn’t tell (he never could tell with you), so he in turn replied, a hard “No”.

“But Buuuuuuuckyyyyyy” you whined. “N*Sync is a great band and ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’ is a BOP” the ‘p’ enunciated with a pop. “And you’d look great! Fist flying!! Your knuckle coming in contact with his dumb Hydra face!! Telling him to shut the FUCK up -“

“That’s MY line, sweet stuff.” Sam butted in. “I’m tired of listening to that lima bean’s recordings of his plans and how he is going to ‘reboot’ Scrap Metal over here into a killing machine.”

Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I don’t need theme music, y/n and as much as I’m over listening to Zemo’s ridiculous plan, I’d rather you not interrupt me smashing his face in with you telling him to shut up, Bird Brain.” 

Y/N sighed, “You are no fun, James.” Bucky’s eyebrow raising at the change in name, it makes his skin crawl slightly. “Just keep driving, I would like to get to the lookout before sunrise. Ya know, ‘cause we’re undercover.” Y/n rolls her eyes her foot pressing down on the gas, speeding up a bit more, “Whatever you say, Captain.” 

“Hey! Last time I checked, I’m the Captain around here!” Sam screeched, throwing himself between the front seats of the Super Soldier and the young agent.

—————

You could feel the burns covering your skin. The smell of slightly burning flesh and cigarette smoke filled the air and you were becoming nauseous. Your eyes lazily scanning the room again, all your previous exits had been blocked off. He’d covered them in plywood, well enough that no one could see you but not well enough that you couldn’t tell if it was day, or night. You were tired. You wanted to rest. Maybe he’d actually stand by his promises of letting you go, if you behaved well enough for him.

Nothing was ever “well enough”.

 The sun had risen, a new day, a new form of tourtue. You thought once the state took you from your abusive home that you could have a fresh start. Fresh start meant a new level of abuse. Life was cruel and it taunted you. You swallowed, trying to quench your thirst for some kind of liquid. You’d honestly drink sewage water at this point. The thought making your stomach turn once again. 

You could hear him, he was giving himself a pep talk. You closed your eyes, brushing your legs together, the feeling of cold metal rubbed against your ankles and you wondered if there was any skin left. A deep breath, holding back tears and a small sigh. You were preparing yourself for whatever was to come.

“Y/n?” You felt a soft hand on your shoulder. Your eyes were open, and you didn’t see him, so who was touching you?

“Come on, Y/n. You can break out of this. Just listen to my voice…” whoever was speaking, felt so far away and your mind felt as if it was short circuiting. You were in that house, with him, but he wasn’t talking to you and he still hadn’t left his room. You closed your eyes, trying to zoom in on the voice. That voice that sounded so familiar yet so far…

“One more deep breath, hold it. One, two, three, four -“ your head whipped to the side, your eyes shot open and in your full line of vision was Sam and Bucky. You let out the breath you don’t necessarily remember holding and let your eyes scan the room. You were on a stakeout. In Rome. With Sam and Bucky. You were - safe.

“You alright, kid?” Sam asked, his eyes filled with worry, scanning your face for any lingering signs of the trama your brain has decided to put you through. You sat up, slowly (as Sam had always advised after having a -trip-), resting your hands on your knees. 

“Yeah, I’ve been better, I’m alright though. I guess I zoned out?” You questioned, not remembering how it all happened and the last conscious decision you had made prior to your brain being hijacked was a blur.

Sam smiled softly, Bucky nodded as an answer to your question. He placed his left hand on the back of your neck, the cooling sensation allowing your body to slowly come further back into reality. 

“You were having a full conversation with us. Something about churros and how you were upset I’d never had one. Promised that when we went back home, you’d buy me a whooooole bunch.” Bucky chuckled softly at the thought. “Then you just, left us.” His thumb running up and down the base of your neck, fingers squeezing just slightly, relieving the tightness you could feel building.

Your eyes dropped, you hadn’t had an episode in awhile, you were getting better. It ate at you. How were you supposed to be a good agent if you didn’t even know your triggers? You sighed, hands wringing together.

“Sorry guys. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just - I, I don’t know what caused it.” A hand was placed on your knee and your eyes moved up to meet Sam’s. “No sorry’s. It happens. We’re just glad we could pull you out. Wanna talk about it?”

“No.” You shook your head, breathing in deeply and staring at the two men in front of you. “Is it okay if I just lay here for a bit? I feel like I’ve just tried to beat Buck over here in a marathon.” Bucky laughed, while simultaneously helping you lay down, his hand never leaving the back of your neck. 

“You rest. Bird brain and I got this.” His fingers slowly dragged themselves from underneath you, the cold sensation leaving your skin. You closed your eyes and rolled onto your side. Maybe you could get a little bit of rest before you three let hellfire rain on the goons of Hydra. 

——————-

“Last time I checked, that isn’t how you get a ladies attention.” Your fist coming into contact with the nameless man’s face. Once Hydra Goon #1 was out, it was off to find Bird Boy and Beer Can. Rounding your way around the eerily lit hallway, you found a number of bodies scattered on the floor. Separating probably wasn’t your best option, especially once you found out .2 seconds in that the lovely allies of Hydra had made the building communication proof - but too late now.

Hopscotching around the downed men you finally spotted your favourite Super Soldier, snipper at his side, and the small strands of hair that were still a bit long (thanks to his impromptu haircut) sticking at the base of his neck. “Howdy aluminum foil.”

Bucky turned to face you, a small gash covering the right side of his cheek. He raised an eyebrow as he watched your face contort itself into a pout. “You got hurt, Jaime. Which dumbass did it. I’ll kick their shins.” 

You watched as he rolled his eyes and flicked his sniper softly so it pointed to the man behind him, with a perfect bullet hole through the chest. “I don’t think kicking him in the shins is going to be necessary, dollface.” He leaned in closer to you, his flesh hand coming in contact with your left eye, “Besides, if anyone needs’ta be kicked in the shins it’s whoever left my fav agent with a shiner the size of Kentucky.”

“First off: Kentucky ISN’T that large and neither is this bruise. Secondly: I punched him in the face afterwards, his nose might now be located between his eyes.”

Bucky laughed, his hand moving off your face to fall onto your shoulder. “If you say so, kid. Come on, let’s go find the Central Park Pigeon before he loses a feather.”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction

[pingpongdaddy]

I’m so

angry. The past like, 3 days there hasn’t been anything good on my main dash. I want good memes :(

My urges to cut have been way down recently. I’ve been clean for 5 days and I’m really proud of myself. I don’t think there will be any self harm for me in the near future. I’m not gonna throw away my blades, but I’m not gonna think about them. I had the urge like, an hour ago, but it was there for like a minute, then it left.

I’m getting my paycheck on Friday, and I’m gonna be able to buy my brothers old switch which I’m sooo happy about. I’m gonna get diablo 3 on it and me and him are gonna play it together before he goes to college in like, 2 weeks.

I hung out with my girlfriend today, we went to a movie and then hung out at my house. I’m just gonna call her by her name from now on cus typing out my girlfriend is really annoying. Her name’s Skylar. And she’s my favorite person in the whooooole world.

I’m going to a concert on oct 1 and I’m really happy. I’m seeing Gus Dapperton for the second time. If you don’t know who he is, you should listen to his stuff on Spotify or YouTube or somethin. His lyrics don’t make any sense at all, but it’s fine cus it’s really hard to understand what he says. Even though I can’t really understand him (I just heard a weird noise come out of my ac vent in my room I’m scared), his music is still really good. I’m hoping I can go the the Detroit jazz festival at the end of the month too. I’ve never been and it seems like a lot of fun.

Ugh I’m so tired and I can’t keep my eyes open but it’s fine.

My brain can’t think of anything else to talk about rn.

Idk the last time I posted but I’m gonna look once I post this, and if there’s anything I remeber happening in between the last time I’ll add it.

Gn!

[crossnecklace]

i was tagged by my darling @tofiveohfive to post 9 selfies (pictures?) of 2018! i have to say that this year has been extremely rocky for me. ive been at some of my worst points, but also the last three months or so have arguably been some of my best. i’m going into 2019 more happy and confident than i’ve ever been and i’m so glad to be able to say that.

with that, i want to give a special shoutout to my lovely harrie gc for getting me through things when i felt they were only ones i could talk to. yes it’s 9 am and i haven’t slept so i’m an emo fuck rn but @fondleeds @thechainmp3 @medicineharry @pinkflaredpants @stylesep @honeyharrie you guys are so important to me and i want to thank u for being my friends for this whooooole ass year. the 2k19 cali trip is gonna be fuckin legendary!!

i’m too lazy n tired to tag everyone but of course a whopping thank you to all my other lovely friends on here, my mutuals, and anyone who has ever left a nice reply on a post or even just sent me a cute lil anon 💞all of it has been helpful in getting me through the less than great days/weeks/months that some of this year has thrown my way.

fuck yeah i just got way too emo on main but anyway i tag all those mentioned above as well as anyone who wants to so this. i’m wishing everyone the happiest 2019 possible and remember to treat people w kindness 🌟

#peep my sleepy bf hehehe #anyone who pays attention to me at all has probably seen me go off in some whisper tag posts about how terrible my life is #BUT i have overcome so much of that and i feel so confident in all of my relationships and im about to start my last semster #of junior college and im doing good and everything is good. #💓💓💓💓 #face

[meepface]

boyyyyy am i sad please ignore this while i try n distract myself 

1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

definitely

2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

taken

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

i’d say thank u i appreciate being complimented

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

no but i told my first boyfriend that guess who’s cringin

5: Are you interested in anyone right now? 

yeah my gf

6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

idk i kind of want to take an entire week off but i have classes n stuff. i hope i get to see my friends some time next weekend i really miss hanging out with my friend Kate

7: Do you want to be single?

nah i love my gf a lot

8: Did you go out or stay in last night?

i stayed in and watched that stanford prison experiment movie w my family which was really cool

9: How late did you stay up last night?

1 am 

10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? 

i realized i like my gf a lot like senior year of hs and look at us now

11: Last three things you had to drink?

water x 3 im boring

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

did you mean: my straight phase

13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

absolutely not

14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

yes

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

uhh i think i move on kinda quick but also no relationship or crush i had before my current gf were very serious so idk

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

no

17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon? 

i was in the backseat of my car w my gf parked at this park and my mom drove by us and she didn’t see us or realize it was my car but man was that awkward

18: Hold hands with anyone this week? 

yeah

19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? 

yeah

20: What would you name your future daughter?

uhhh idk i like the name grace a lot

21: Do you miss anyone?

yeah

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

no

23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed

not my last one but i did kiss my gf on her bed today

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

yeah

25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

yes that’s why i get scared to tell people when i’m mad at them bc i always cry about it

26: Who did you last see in person?

my brother, we were watching videos from the weird side of youtube just a min ago

27: Are you listening to music right now?

no i’m in a weird mood where even listening to music seems overwhelming rn. it’s been a day

28: What is something you currently want right now?

to go to sleep. i finally get a day to sleep in tomorrow and i’m takin the whole damn day off i’m tired

29: What is the last thing you said out loud?

“why did peppa pig’s parents murder their kids”, in reference to a very weird youtube video my brother and i watched

30: How is your heart lately?

not to be edgy but it’s been so sad sometimes i get chest pain just from bein sad

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? 

sometimes ya

32: Are you wearing socks?

no

33: What do people call you?

elyse, mom, dad, elly, that one ginger, my gay friend

34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? 

she just texted me

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

a whooooole lot of em

36: Who did you last share a bed with?

my gf and i laid in her bed for a while today

37: Did you do something good today?

tried to

38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

i hugged my dad this morning

39: Do you get stressed out easily?

yeah

40: Did you sing today?

no

41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

yeah all the time

42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?

my gf or my friend stein or my friend joe or my friend elissa sometimes my brother or my mom or i just vent here or on my sideblog

43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?

no

44: What are you listening to right now?

my brother playing his new batman game in the other room

45: What is wrong with you right now?

got my hopes up again

46: What is on your wrists right now?

my tattoos

47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing

forever 21 probably

48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?

hot chocolate

49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

no

50: Are you a good artist?

nah i’m alright

51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

can be

52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

idk things were just as bad then i’m pretty sure. make it 7 and then yeah

53: Ever been on a golf cart?

yes

54: Do you have trust issues?

i’ve sorta started to develop them. used to trust too easily and now all that does to me is make me wanna die

55: Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?

i stayed up until like 3:30 AM skyping some girl i liked a long time ago, i don’t talk on the phone tbh

56: Do you own something from Hot Topic?

i have some angsty band shirts and some chokers my emo friend bought me

57: Do you use chapstick?

every day. gotta love that burt’s bees

58: Have you ever slapped someone in the face?

yes

59: Do you have a little sister?

no a lil brother

60: Have you ever been to New York?

yes i was just there for my second time before Christmas last year !! it was nice but v cold. also i was a lot more hyped about it the first time i went, bc the second time i was a lil :/ the whole time. maybe i was just bein moody

61: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

yes

62: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

yes

63: What were you doing at midnight last night?

crying

64: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? 

no

65: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

yes

66: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

yes

67: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

yes

68: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

tonight i’m in a Mood and i wanna be alone but sleepin by my gf is nice

69: Will next Friday be a good one?

i have the day off so i am hoping so

70: Are you happy?

honestly not to sound emo again but i’ve been the least happy i have ever been the last six or so months

#like if ya read #i am exhausted and today was a lot and this hardly helped #idk why i've started doing these bc they're nice and time consuming but they haven't rlly helped #whatever they're fun #anyway i think i am gonna sleep #long post #about me

[oh-yes-i-did-not]

You know what tho? I’ll be starting a thing soon that forces me to wake up at 6:30 from Monday to Thursday for about 3 months. So one of those Fridays? It’s finally gonna be my change to get to the only fucking option I have as someone who is TERRIFIED of phone calls and SO. CAN’T. CALL. FOR. A. FUCKING. APPOINTMENT. The only walk-in mental health reception, from 8-9am on weekdays. I could have actually gone there all those times my insomniac ass just didn’t go to sleep and I could’ve been there super early, but outdoors freak me out even more when I’m tired and I need to walk through the whooooole city center, with all these people I can’t handle even on better days, to get there and back.

And no, thanks to some freakier side effects of having taken a certain dopamine agonist for about 9 years now, call-back services aren’t any easier. They used to be my go to thing once upon a time. Receiving a call was much easier than calling. Not anymore. Hasn’t been so in a while. Last time I got myself into a therapy, I got an anxiety attack during that call (which is probably what got me an appointment super fast too) but I couldn’t imagine being able to do even that anymore. Just slowly falling to pieces, both mentally and physically, bc phonecalls scare me.

[seasgreatness-blog]

Week 2- Deep thoughts

Of course when I mention that the craving weren't too bad, the next 2 days were the worst!

It was a struggle to get through work making a few iced white mochas and warming up cheese danishes and butter croissants. I wanted my usual 2 shot over ice with one white mocha and one peppermint pump topped with a splash of heavy cream, I was on the verge of crying. Smelling the delicious buttery and sweet pastries all day didn't make it any easier either. By the end of the day let's just say I wasn't the happiest camper that I claimed to be.

My poor boyfriend has been so supportive (which has a name that I failed to mention earlier, the fabulous Ryan). After being angry with my great self control and bratty attitude all he had to say was that he understands and wants to be as supportive as possible. SHOUT OUT TO HIM, MVP!

After he horrific two days I read a post by the challenge coach addressing emotions & food. She explained why we usually turn to ice cream after a breakup or a fight, or cookies and sweets when we're tired. WHOA! So enlightening. She mentioned that during the detox people feel more emotional than usual, making me feel a whooooole lot better and understand why Ryan was soo mood in the first month he did this challenge. I realize that not only am I cleaning all the toxins and impurities out of my body but also negative feelings such as fear, stress, and anxiety. This is where it gets real. There's nothing better than having a healthy body & mind. I am so glad I have the opportunity and support to do this challenge. The following question impacted me:

"When you feel a craving or an emotional release happening, give it space and be gentle with yourself. Don't make it about the food. Go deeper. Ask yourself, "what's really going on here?" The answer is closer than you think."

Wow. This is such an obvious and enlightening bit of information. Why haven't I ever thought that so many emotions were connected to eating?! DUH. So on those exceptionally challenging days I stopped and asked myself the same question. I came up with this:

Boredom- the down times at work where my coworkers and I are wiping down already clean countertops there's nothing better to do than raid the pastry case. Standing there staring at the cheese danish, I asked myself the question. I identified that I was bored and not hungry, the simple realization made is easier to say no to eating it.

Convenience- with unlimited free drinks while working and one free food item makes it so convenient to eat and drink everything!

I plan to repost the full emotions & food post following this just as an easy reference in the future.