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#for the day. i have thi n gs to do that i don’t want to do but i should do but
beacon-lamp · 28 days
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beacon ive been drawing for five hours listening to the same song on loop i havent moved which povs of real life should i watch i need to interrupt this cycle even tho my drawing is going very well
oooh i’m glad ur drawing is going well! i’d recommend scar and cleo’s pov
im trying to make my way through all the povs but the slight motion sickness is making it a bit difficult lol
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Terra has a Chat with a REAL Moderator this Time
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In lieu of my original post that gained a lot of traction, and me talking about being “contacted” by someone claiming to be a mod.
An ACTUAL mod from the Official Cookie Run discord managed to contact me and  set the record straight on a few things, as well as discuss a few things regarding what happened. So it seems that this whole situation has indeed caught the attention of the mods of the Cookie Run Official Discord, and even MicMac himself. So what’s been done?
I do wanna talk about it in greater detail, so I’m gonna put everything in a cut, starting now. If you want the TL;DR version, skip to the second picture of Chestnut with Walnut at the end.
First things First, the person who I talked on the moderation team was someone by the name of Zayder, who contacted me on anon with their details. Using some help from friends We were able to background check and confirm, yes this person is actually legit. So I was reassured I wasn’t walking into some kind of trap.
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(The photo given to me to prove authenticity by a friend. I blurred out their Discord number myself just for the courtesy of privacy)
What’s Being Done to Protect Artists on the Discord, Moving Forward?
I think this is the big question on everyone’s mind since I made my original post and all eyes are on the moderators and MicMac to make the change.
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There seems to be a genuine admittance to the fact that the previous way fanart was moderated was ineffective and caused issues such as the theft and reposting to happen. 
So they’ve gone ahead and added stricter measures to prevent this from happening again. Including preventing new members from posting until they get the “Cookie” role, a cooldown on the channel to allow for easier moderation and viewing of said artwork, and heavier infractions laid down for art theft. 
I mentioned that the cooldown also allows for time for people to appreciate genuine artwork posted. So considering the magnitude of its members I’d say that’s a great first step in moving forward towards protecting community fanartists. I got confirmation from members in my own discord that the cooldown IS indeed already enacted and even increased from 10 to 30 minutes, so I have reassurance that what’s being told to me is true. 
They DO have a report system on their bot, but it seems most people prefer just messaging mods so that system in itself is rather flawed, but only so much you can do there. 
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(^ This one’s my own artwork, btw!! ^) Zayder also asked me for my own feedback on what could be done to help protect artists, since I am an artist myself. It seems most of the moderation team are not artists and this probably lent itself to making moderation there so weak. 
In summary my main suggestions that were noticed were being mindful of traced art, and a dedicated section or post explaining art theft and how it harms artists and the importance of crediting artists. As not everyone understands how it hurts us, some people genuinely are uninformed. Which Zayder stated he would forward to Mic Mac. (Not sure how I feel about my own suggestions going directly to MicMac himself, but you know!!)
Fawn’s Situation happened so Long Ago that most of it is Lost (or worst case scenario, was deleted by a member of the moderation team) 
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While the general consensus now is indeed “Yes, Fawn created Nutmeg Cookie,” there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of evidence towards who the perpetrator was (We had their username, hazbinalastor666, but not their ID and they’ve since changed it to cover their tracks) and the moderators involved with Fawn’s “Ban” to be found on the Official Cookie Run Discord. At least not anymore.
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Zayder has confirmed that Fawn “left” the server in December of 2019, which lines up with Fawn’s own statements on the situation. However Zayder stated that whoever kicked her didn’t actually put her on the banlist. So either they kicked her manually, or they used the bot and then used it to erase all evidence of it and pretend nothing happened (which he certainly HOPES is not the case, and I do as well). It did not help that Trial Mods were not a thing yet by this time (They were not introduced until February of 2020), according to what Zayder told me. So things on that Discord were essentially pretty gun-ho. It’s not as simple as looking up a term and going to “Oldest” to track down stuff from the time.  Plus a good chunk of it seemed to have happened through DMs so... Good Luck getting that evidence.
Zayder informed me that Fawn is welcome to come back at any time. Though speaking with her she’s chosen not to, and considering her situation I don’t think anyone can blame her. I would like to believe that the version of the Discord that Fawn had to go through is not the same as the one we have now but something like isn’t essentially going to wash away what happened.
As for evidence that Fawn created Nutmeg first? Yes I do have it. The original incident,  hazbinalastor666 claimed that they created Nutmeg in November of 2019, However there’s evidence in our own discord showing Fawn creating Nutmeg as early as September of 2019.
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As well as the day Fawn came forward on our discord about the situation after keeping quiet out of fear of backlash, ignited by seeing the thief get a commission of Nutmeg. However, I don’t plan to post that publicly unless I have Fawn’s okay. 
Yes. The First “Mod” That tried to Contact Me was Pretty Undeniably Someone Posing as a Mod From the Official Discord
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“I'm also really curious on what you found false on what the "moderator" said to you. Nobody on the mod team ever told us they were gonna contact you, so I wouldnt know who that is.”
So that was my first sign that clearly the original person who contacted me at least wasn’t doing so without the consensus of the other mods, and neither did they consult the mods afterwards... So very, very likely they were a fake from the start. Some of the things that were off that I told to Zayder, and that we found through conversation were as follows:
The first person contacted me on a throwaway and refused to disclose who they were. Zayder gave me the ID of his personal discord and we could verify who they were easily.
The first person blew off my own suggestions for helping improve the fanart channels with statements like “We’re already cracking down on it.” Zayder asked me for my own suggestions as an artist without even being asked.
The first person kept trying to get me to get Fawn to use a VPN in order to get back into the Official Cookie Run Discord. Despite being told repeatedly that’s not how a VPN works. That’s just fucking weird. 
The first person couldn’t track anything down regarding Fawn’s situation years ago, Zayder was at least able to actually pinpoint the date in which Fawn was kicked, and rather quickly too I might add.
Zayder had pretty proficient knowledge on the bot the Discord uses for moderation and how it works. Which he explained to me a few times. The first person said to me at one point, and I quote, “For all I know the bot gives messages when infractions are laid.”
So seeing how talking with a real Moderator like Zayder was, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that someone was trying to dupe me here for some reason. Was it revenge? Did they want some sort of blackmail? Did they want me to proverbially “back off?” And if they ARE a mod why wouldn’t they give the info and such that I gave them to the other mods? Who knows. 
TL;DR:
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Long Story short, it does appear as if the Moderation Team and Mic Mac have heard the artists of the fandom and are going to be working hard to lay down stricture rules regarding posting and doing their best to make sure credit goes where credit is due.
Fawn’s incident happened so long ago there’s not much evidence to be found on the Official discord, but we DO have proof that Nutmeg Cookie belongs to UpsetFawn!
The First Person who claimed to be a Mod was a fake and talking with Zayder proved it.
Overall, my talk with Zayder was very pleasant and enlightening and I believe Zayder would say about the same! I never meant to cause such an uproar, but I’d like to think things will change for the better now that we’ve all spoken up on behalf of our fellow artist. 
What we need to do now is watch how the Cookie Run Official Discord moves forward and if they’ll stick to their word towards protecting fandom content creators from theft and uncredited reposts. Though after my talk I’m certainly optimistic they will.
Always have your back for your fellow fandom artist, TerraTerraCotta
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ekosystem · 4 years
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Self-Isolation : Tips from 108
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Today’s message by Guido Bisagni aka 108 who is probably one of the first ten person I had a contact with via ekosystem.org about 20 years ago !
108: "This is the 4th weeks of “quarantine” at home, I go outside just one or two times every week to buy food at the supermarket, the situation here is not as bad as it is in Lombardy, but we are very close, the province is on the border and the Hospitals here are collapsing too. Luckily we live in a country were the health system is public, maybe it's not perfect, but they are doing everything they can, at least on this area, but the situation is so bad that places inside hospitals are not enough and they are working to make new places everyday, even masks and gloves are not enough. I can't imagine how terrible must be this situation in countries with a weaker health system or in the USA. People don't understand how bad this virus is until they don't see it coming closer: there is no more space for coffins at the cemeteries and crematoriums and they are stocking dead people inside the churches, now, near home. What shocked me is to see people everywhere saying: “ it kills just old people” or things like that, like if your parents and grandparents dies is not important. The fact is also that if you are young and you can't find a place at the hospital with very important cures, you die anyway. You die completely alone and you have no funeral. Now I stop with this horror, it's different when it's near home and that's not a scifi movie, I just wanted to say that because people seems not to understanding it, even in Italy where the situation is not too bad.
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There are some “good” side anyway: there are almost no cars outside, no noises, I live in the centre of the city in the most polluted area in Europe and I never felt the air so clean. I can hear birds singing in the morning. I hope we can learn something from this situation, in many ways, but obviously I don't know, the economic crisis will be the biggest problem after this.
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108+CT (2020) Ok, what I'm doing now? To be honest I do what I usually do in the 90% of times when I'm not travelling and to be honest I was a little bit tired of travelling recently. I work alone in my studio, luckily inside my home, with my cats. Usually I see my girlfriend few days in a week, because during the week she works in Milan, but luckily she can works from home (for more than one month now) so, I'm not alone. Here it's still cold outside, this morning it was 2°c on my balcony, so staying at home is not so bad, I don't miss too much going out for drinking stuff, I save some money and I don't miss too much social contacts, in fact I avoid video meetings too. It was a long time I wanted to stop a bit drinking beer and stuff, so I haven't a drink since the first day of quarantine. I'm enjoying a lot green tea and other infusion, I'm cleaning myself a lot. What I miss too much is going to hike, to ride bike on the countryside and a real contact with nature outside, this is the part I really miss. I can't wait to go back in some old factory around here with friends like CT or Eleuro, but, after years I finally have some rest too, I can read some of the thousands of books I bought during the years, watching movie, working on stuff just because I want to do it.
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I'm listening to a lot of music, as usual, but this period changed my playlist a bit. I almost stopped with heavy/fast stuff, I'm listening to a lot of traditional japanese stuff, koto for example, I always liked that stuff, but now I can really listen to it for all day long. I'm making a lot of research on youtube, the only social I like, to find new things: shinto-imperial music, it's very hard to find, because I don't know japanese language, but with a lot of patience I can learn something. Also indian ragas, sitar stuff, and a lot eastern classical music. Than I listen to some classical stuff too, Purcell is always my favourite, tons of stuff, a lot of Jazz. When I cook and we eat we listen a lot to the classics like Miles Davis or Coltrane, but my absolutely favorite now are Pharoah Sanders and Sun Ra, unfortunately I'm ignorant about Jazz in general, so I'm listening to it in a very spontaneous way. I'm listening to a lot of ambient music, some old traditional stuff of my region that's very very hard to find (sometimes it sounds like irish stuff, crazy!) and obviously to the usual music I like: post punk, new wave, experimental... but less. When I'm working I watch, or better I just listen, to a lot of documentaries. Expecially historical stuff, anthropological stuff.
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We are watching a lot of movies and some series. I see everyone is 100% on Netflix, I must say some series are fine, I totally like the new one about Freud few days ago. But to be honest I prefere other stuff, I prefere non-american stuff, old tv series and films. Untill the 80s public italian TV produced some of the greatest masterpieces ever, so I can give you some advices, if you find them: The Odissey, by Franco Rossi (1968, 8 episodes), if you like that kind of visionary/oniric things (and a bit creepy) you should watch Pinocchio (by Comencini 1972, 5 episodes) or, in a way related to the actual situation, I promessi sposi from (1989) with a nice part about the pestilence in Milano.
Last tip, very important to me, for these days is to try mediation and relaxation techniques. I have problems with anxiety, the worst time was 11 years ago, I had to deal with it for years and this kind of techniques helps a lot to exit from those dark times and to stop with pills. Obviously when you are fine you may stop, like me, but right now, in some days anxiety is growing again very high, so I started again, we have a lot of time at home and you can try it. You may think that's sometimes for hippies, but you must be patient and sometimes you can't really believe how powerfull it can be and how it makes your life better."
If you want to learn more about 108 visit his website, his Instagram page and/or his photo gallery on ekosystem.org.
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dracusfyre · 7 years
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Touch Therapy
Prompt: Either Bucky or Tony is very shy when thi[n]gs turn towards cuddling,kissing,nudity,sex and the other helps them overcome it 
@imaginetonyandbucky​
I took it and ran with it, sorry not sorry
also on AO3
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The first time Steve tried to talk to him about Bucky, Tony just stared at him over the rim of his coffee cup until he got the picture and walked away.  But later, when Tony was dragging himself up the stairs after forty straight hours in the lab, he saw Bucky curled up on the couch, all but hidden in baggy clothes and staring into the darkness.
“JARVIS, see if he wants to watch something on TV,” Tony said as he fell into bed, fully dressed.
“Yes, sir. Any suggestions?”
“I don’t know.” What would a traumatized amnesic supersoldier want to watch? Documentaries? Cooking shows? “Put on that show with the rescue dogs and the inmates,” Tony said finally, and passed out without hearing JARVIS answer.
 Six hours later a breakthrough idea for the lab had him rolling out of bed and heading back down the stairs.  Passing by the living room, he paused when he saw that Bucky was still watching television in almost exactly the same spot.  He came around the couch and saw that it was also the same show.
“Was the dog show your idea?” Bucky rumbled from the hidden depths of his hoodie.
“Do you like it?  Ready for a dog now?” Tony tested the temperature of the pot of coffee in the kitchen and put it in the microwave.
“Sure.”
 “Alright, you don’t stab anyone and one of these days I’ll find you the ugliest mutt in New York. Deal?”
Tony felt a smile pulling at his lips when he heard the surprised laugh coming from the direction of the couch.  “Deal.”
***
About a week Tony came into the kitchen to see Bucky sitting at the bar and hunched over something on the counter, dressed in a long-sleeved hoodie, jeans, and his combat boots.  Raising an eyebrow, Tony made sure to clear his throat as he comes around the counter to pour himself a cup of coffee, noticing that Bucky also has one cradled in his hands, both of which are covered by gloves.
           “You know it’s like 97 degrees in the city, right? If you’re cold, just tell JARVIS to turn the temperature up.” Tony took a sip as he leaned against the counter.
           Bucky shook his head.  “It’s not that.”  Tony waited for him to finish, but Bucky only glanced at him briefly before looking down at his coffee.  
           “Ah,” Tony said as he realized. He unconsciously ran a hand over the scarred, sunken space where the arc reactor used to be. “Can I show you something?” He reached out a hand to Bucky, who looked at it suspiciously before reaching out as well. “Well, you gotta take the glove off.”
           Bucky hesitated but he finally started to pull the glove off finger by finger. When his hand was bare, Tony cradled it in his own and ran his fingertips lightly over the broad palms, the long fingers and blunt nails.  Bucky had a callous on his trigger finger and in the webbing between his pointer finger and thumb. Turning his own hand over, he spread out his hand and covered it with Bucky’s. After a moment, Bucky ran his fingers over Tony’s hands, feeling every rough callous and the smooth, shiny scars.
           Eventually Bucky pulled his hand back and wrapped it around the coffee mug again, but left the glove off.  “What did you want to show me?”
           Tony straightened and offered him a small smile. “Just that you don’t have to hide.”
***
           It’s four AM and Tony finally got tired of staring at his ceiling, so he wandered down to the common area to see if anyone else was having trouble sleeping.  He wasn’t really surprised when Bucky was the only other one there, staring out the window where it was raining buckets against the glass.
           “You ok there, R2?”
           Bucky gave him a one-armed shrug. Hidden lightning lit up the clouds and Tony could see that Bucky was watching him in the reflection on the glass. “You know I don’t know what that means, right?”
           “Yeah. Force of habit.”  Tony joined him at the windows.  
           “Why are you awake?”
           “I asked first.”
           “So?”
           “It’s like a rule, you have to –“ Tony saw Bucky’s unimpressed eyebrow and gave up. “Fine. Had a bad dream, couldn’t go back to sleep.”
           Bucky turned back to the window and made a thoughtful noise.  “I dreamed I was back in cryo.  Woke up shivering.”      
           “We’ll start small, ok?” Tony waited for Bucky to look at him and give him a small nod before he continued. “Can I touch your shoulder?”  When Bucky nodded again, Tony touched him with his fingertips before slowly sliding his hand to palm the ball of Bucky’s shoulder, squeezing lightly and definitely not noticing the hard muscles there.  “Is this ok?”  
          Bucky gave him a suspicious look like he was afraid Tony was teasing him, but Tony made sure to look as sincere as possible. “Yeah,” Bucky grunted. “This is fine.”
          The tension in the muscles under Tony’s hand would say otherwise, but he didn’t want to mention that just yet.  “Good. Do you feel how warm my hand is?”
          Bucky’s eyelids drifted lower and he nodded.  He could feel the warmth of Tony’s palm radiating into his shoulder, the touch solid and anchoring.  Something inside him grew still at the sensation, and the quiet was such a relief.
          “Can I touch your back?” Tony asked softly.  When Bucky nodded, Tony slid his hand down to Bucky’s shoulder blade and down to the middle of his back. “Still good?”
          “Yeah, yeah, it’s good.”  Just the simple touch felt better than a pile of blankets or buckets of hot coffee.  At that moment, Bucky felt so grateful for it that his throat got tight. Tony gave him a sideways glance and started talking about something he was working on in the lab until Bucky’s breathing wasn’t so shaky.
***
           Bucky heard the shuffling of Tony’s feet and the very faint hum of the arc reactor as he approached. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this, my wife is starting to suspect something,” Tony said as he sat down, close enough that Bucky could feel the cushions sag. “Another bad night?”
           “Yeah,” Bucky said without opening his eyes. “Steve tried to wake me up from a nightmare and I tried to strangle him before I knew what was happening.”  
           “Note to self.  I’ll just throw things until you wake up.”
           “Or just let me wake up on my own,” Bucky muttered. “Steve is still trying to save me, even from myself.”
          Tony made a thoughtful noise, and Bucky could feel Tony looking at him. “Can I touch you?” Tony asked finally.
          Bucky waited for a beat and then muttered “yeah” as if that wasn’t the sole reason why he was loitering out here in the common area in the middle of the night. He let out a silent sigh when Tony flattened a palm against the front of Bucky’s shoulder, thumb tracing the line of his collarbone before sliding across to rest on top of Bucky’s sternum. After a moment Bucky let his head fall back against the couch and let out a long, slow breath.  With it, he realized how tense he had been and he felt every muscle relax, unwinding under the uncomplicated and undemanding warmth of Tony’s palm.
          Tony couldn’t help but smile when he saw Bucky finally relax, remembering the first time he’d been really able to relax after Afghanistan, that euphoric release of tension you’d been holding so long you forgot what it felt like to be without it.
          Bucky shifted on the couch and his knee bumped Tony’s, drawing his gaze downward.  Tony jerked it back up when he realized that Bucky was more than half-hard and had unconsciously spread his knees wider when he shifted.
          Fighting back the urge to adjust himself as his own body became more interested in the proceedings, Tony made a sound to get Bucky’s attention.  When Bucky turned his head lazily and cracked his eyelids, Tony patted his chest gently.  “You gotta start small. And also tell Steve no grabbing or shaking, that’s just asking to get punched in the face.”  He started to pull his hand back but Bucky caught it, suddenly looking uncertain.
          “Could you…” Bucky started, but shook his head and released Tony’s hand.  “Never mind.”
          “C’mon, you can ask.  What?”
          Bucky glanced away for a moment before he could meet Tony’s eyes again. “Could you touch my head?”
          “Yeah, sure. Just lean your head back.” Tony determinedly kept his eyes on Bucky’s face as he shifted lower on the couch with a sigh so he could rest his head comfortably on the couch cushions.  “Pepper used to love this,” he said quietly as he started running his fingers through Bucky’s hair.  When Tony lightly raked his fingernails across Bucky’s scalp, Bucky made a low noise that he tried to cover by clearing his throat self-consciously.  Tony grinned widely, wondering if Bucky knew that his arm was making a deep whirring noise as something in it recalibrated. At the sound, Tony realized that he was starting to relax as well, not quite feeling like he was trying to pet a tiger anymore.  Mechanical noises were his happy place.
          “You know,” he pointed out, “it would be easier to do this if you didn’t wear the hoodies all the time. Just saying.”
 ***
           A few days later Tony came in and saw Bucky was back to lurking on the couch, hands buried in the pocket of the hoodie and eyes far away.
           “Uh oh.  What happened, Terminator?”
           “Steve tried to give me a hug,” Bucky mumbled, turning to watch Tony cross the room.  “I punched him in the solar plexus.”
           “Came in too hot, did he?” Tony said sympathetically.
           “No, it’s not his fault.  I’m just…too fucked up, I guess.”  He blew out a long breath and brushed the hair back from his face, eyes bleak.  Tony was happy to see that the gloves were still banished, and instead of his combat boots Bucky was just in socks.
           “Don’t say that.  Steve just had the wrong technique.  Get up, come on.” Tony put his coffee down and reached out a hand to help Bucky stand.  He staggered a little when Bucky took it, having forgotten for a moment that the man was like, a quarter metal.  “Hands gotta be open, low, and not too wide,” Tony said, and demonstrated, remembering the time when he had flinched away from an overexcited hug of Pepper’s and made her cry.  “Now you come in, and if it helps, you can keep your hands on my arms or wrists or whatever you need to feel in control.”
           After a moment of hesitation, Bucky stepped into the open circle made by Tony’s arms and took a second to decide what to do with his arms, eventually just wrapping them around Tony’s shoulders.  He was being gentle, but Tony could still feel the weight difference in the two arms.
           “Alright, I’m going to put my hands on your back now, and…there.  Hugging.” Tony said, patting his back gently.  “Not broken, just require special handling instructions. Are you ok?”
           “Well, I am thinking about three different ways to kill you if you try to stab me in the back,” Bucky confessed.  “But other than that, I guess it’s nice. How come this works with you but not Steve?”
           Tony shrugged and tried not to imagine what three ways Bucky was thinking of.  “When you are more used to attacks than hugs, a hug can look like an attack.  Besides, I’m not six feet tall and two hundred pounds, so.  Maybe I seem like less of a threat.”
           “Yeah, but you aren’t unarmed, are you?”  Was that his imagination or did it seem like Bucky was pulling him closer? Tony didn’t want to push Bucky away, but if he spent too much longer in close proximity to that chest while feeling the movement of the muscles of Bucky’s back under his hands, the tone of this hug was going to change really quickly.
           “The watch can turn into a gauntlet. Semper paratus and all that.” Tony started pulling back gently and after a moment Bucky released him, stepping back but bringing his hands up to rest on Tony’s shoulders.
           “Why are you…” Bucky stared at a spot over Tony’s shoulder and blew out a breath. “Being so nice to me?”
           Tony stiffened and had to fight the urge to withdraw.  “I, um, I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”
           “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“ Bucky dropped his hands and started to step away, but Tony grabbed for his arm.
           “No, it’s ok, I’ll tell you, just…not now.”  It was a long moment, but Bucky nodded in understanding and sat back down on the couch.  Tony grabbed his coffee and sat down on the other side of the couch, clearing his throat and trying to offer an olive branch.  “You know, it’s not like I don’t know anything about torture and nonconsensual body modifications.  When I got back from Afghanistan, it took me a long time to, you know…” Tony trailed off and waved a hand in the air between them. “Want to be close to anyone. So.  I kinda know how you feel.”  Tony sighed and admitted, “Pepper made me see a specialist while we were dating.”
           “So that’s where you’re getting all this stuff from? A specialist?”
           “Yeah.  Touch therapy.”   There was silence for a while as Tony drank his coffee and tried to ignore the considering look in Bucky’s eyes.  “Asking for help is something I’m still working on, but I do know how to offer it.”
***
           “No socks today? Scandalous,” Tony said with a smile, throwing himself down onto the couch.
          Bucky grinned a little and dug his toes into the carpet.  “Yeah, the carpet feels nice.” Then Tony saw Bucky glance at his feet and then at Tony’s hands, and Tony headed off the question at the pass.
          “Sorry, I don’t touch feet.”
          “Why not?”
          “I don’t know, it just weirds me out.”  Bucky stared at his feet as if he could figure out just by looking why someone wouldn’t want to touch them.  Tony rolled his eyes.  “It’s not rational, Bucky.  It’s just one of those things.  If you want a foot massage, I know a guy who does great ones.” Bucky looked a bit queasy at the thought of a stranger touching him and shook his head. “Maybe one day,” Tony offered.
          “Yeah, one day.”  But he was still hunched over his lap, looking at his feet.  “Can I touch your feet?” He asked after a moment.
          “Sure, I don’t mind.” Tony toed off his socks while Bucky scooted back and he put his feet in Bucky’s lap.  Then he saw Bucky carefully pulling the glove off his left hand and he tried to act casual; it was the first time he’d seen Bucky’s hand uncovered since…well, since Tony had tried to kill him. So it kind of felt like a big deal.  
          Tony started looking for the remote so that he wouldn’t stare, until Bucky pressed his thumb into the arch of Tony’s foot and Tony fell back against the arm of the couch with a moan. “No, don’t stop,” he said hurriedly when Bucky let go of his foot like it was on fire.  “It felt good.”
          Bucky snorted but put his hands back on Tony’s foot, metal fingers unerringly finding all the knots in the muscles and tendons there.  Tony knew that he was probably making all sorts of obscene noises but he couldn’t help it, Bucky’s hands felt too good.  “You know, people are going to get the wrong idea about what we’re doing in here,” Bucky said, amused.
          “I don’t care.” Tony shifted a little when Bucky moved his hands to Tony’s other foot. “Even if this is all you do for the rest of your life, you can stay here forever.”
          “Good to know there’s a way I can earn my keep without having to kill people.” Tony’s eyes flew open in alarm but Bucky just winked at him, so Tony scowled and kicked him a little before closing his eyes again.
          “You know, they used to call me the Merchant of Death,” Tony said suddenly, eyes still closed. Bucky hesitated for a second and then continued massaging his feet, for which Tony could only be grateful.  “Because the Starks made their fortune in the weapons industry.”
          “Yeah, I know,” Bucky said carefully, pressing his knuckles into the arch of Tony’s foot.
          “Right, I forgot you knew my dad before…well, anyway.” Tony blew out a breath.  “Man, this is hard. Ok, so when I was kidnapped and…and tortured, they wanted me to make weapons for them.  Only, I looked around their camp and they had piles and piles of missiles and shit with Stark written all over them.  I was like, I’m already making weapons for you.”  Tony pinched the bridge of his nose and blinked rapidly at the ceiling.  “That’s when I realized that if my weapons are killing innocent people, then I’m killing innocent people, you know? I’m helping kill more of them faster than these assholes would be able to do on their own.  So I stopped.  But that’s not enough, right?  You gotta make it right somehow…” Tony trailed off, trying to remember where he was going with this.
          At that, Bucky’s hands did stop.  “I’m not some project to you, right? A way to atone by saving the poor abused POW?”
          Tony sat up and pulled his feet from Bucky’s lap. “No! No, that’s not what I meant, of course not.” He buried his head in his hands.  “Fuck, I’m so bad at this.  You asked why I’m being nice to you, and I know you meant because of my parents.  And, obviously, I wasn’t nice, for a long time, but.” He blew out a long breath and forced himself to look at Bucky, who was watching him patiently. “Look, just because you did bad things, not by accident, but you know-“
          “Without agency,” Bucky supplied, sounding like he was quoting someone.
          “Yeah, sure. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty all the time, or be punished.  If I can forgive you, then maybe…” Tony looked down at his hands, picking at some grease under his thumbnail.
          “Then maybe you can forgive yourself?”
          “Yeah,” Tony said, voice so quiet it was almost inaudible.
***
           “Bucky? Is that you?” Tony said, squinting exaggeratedly in the bright sunlight of the morning, shading his eyes as he made straight for the coffee pot.  “I don’t recognize you in the daytime.  Should you be out of your coffin this time of day?”
           “Look who’s talking, Mr. Mad Scientist over here,” Bucky said, grinning.  In the light of the morning he seemed much more at ease than he ever did at night, his good humor infectious. “I feel like it’s only a coincidence that you and the sun are up at the same time.”
           “Pretty much,” Tony admitted.   He tried not to let his eyes linger on the width of Bucky’s shoulders in that long sleeved Henley as he poured himself some cereal. “I have some work at Stark Industries today so I had to set an alarm.  But don’t worry, I’ll be back to regularly scheduled insomnia tonight.”
           “It’s a date.” Bucky drained his cup and winked as he slid off the kitchen bar stool.
           “Yeah, sure,” Tony said in distraction, watching Bucky’s ass in those jeans as he walked away. “Wait, what?” But Bucky was just waving over his shoulder as he walked away.
            By that evening Tony had already forgotten what had happened at breakfast, streaked with grease to the wrist from souping up one of his motorcycles.  He was so distracted trying to loosen a tight bolt that when JARVIS announced someone was at the door he just grunted a “yeah, whatever.”
          So when Bucky walked in, looking around curiously, he was treated to a cheer as Tony finally got the bolt to move.  “It’s good to see you too,” Bucky said as he found Tony on the far side of the sleek black bike.
          “Oh, hey Bucky. Hold on.” Tony pushed across the lab on his wheeled stool to grab a clean shop cloth from a pile next to his desk. “What’s up?”  He brushed a bead of sweat off his temple and left a streak of grease.  Bucky smiled and let his eyes travel down Tony’s body, the fitted black tank top showing off muscled arms and the jean that were sagging around his hips.
          “Nothing, really,” Bucky said finally, his smile widening when he saw that the tips of Tony’s ears were turning red and his breath was coming faster.  “Just thinking about what you said about touch therapy.”
          “Yeah?” Tony swallowed thickly.  “Like what? Making good progress?”
          “I think so. Can I show you?” Bucky reached out a hand and bit his lip with predatory amusement when Tony stared at it a minute before taking it and letting Bucky pull him to his feet.  He kept his eyes on Tony’s as he slowly backed him against a work table before pinning him there with his hips.  He took Tony’s hand and pressed his lips to the scarred knuckles.
          “Bucky, that’s…” Tony trailed off when he saw the heated look in Bucky’s eyes.
          “Yeah? You’re not supposed to do that with gents?”  Bucky turned Tony’s hand over and kissed the palm.  “Probably not supposed to do that, either, I suppose. You’ll have to be patient with me, I’ve only ever tried to seduce dames before.”
          Tony meant to say something about…something, but Bucky had caused a short in his brain when he said seduce in that deep, rough tone and had pressed another kiss to the inside of his wrist, tongue darting out lightly. “Yeah?” Tony managed eventually, staring as Bucky traced his lips up the thin skin on the inside of his arms, causing an unexpected shiver. “Is that what you’re doing?”
          Bucky’s grin at that was sharp, crooked, and dangerous.  He captured Tony’s jaw with his left hand, the metal cool on Tony’s skin. “Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. Guess I gotta try a little harder.” He tilted his head and brushed his lips against Tony’s, lightly, teasingly, until Tony made a noise deep in his throat. “Can I kiss you?” he growled against Tony’s mouth.
          “God, yes.” Bucky pulled Tony in closer by sliding his hand over the nape of Tony’s neck, settling his mouth over Tony’s and licking in deep.
          Tony finally got the message and slid his hands under Bucky’s shirt, mapping out the miles of skin and muscle there.  “Not that I, uh, mind, but what…”
          Bucky hmmed while dropping kisses along Tony’s cheekbone, one hand starting to tug on the button and zipper of Tony’s ragged shop jeans. Tony swallowed audibly as Bucky’s fingers brushed over his clothed erection. Bucky’s arm whirred and whined as it recalibrated, plates shifting along his bicep, and Tony realized was never going to be able to work effectively near DUM-E again. “You know, I can hear the way your heart beats faster when you see me.  At first I thought you were afraid of me, but then came all the touching…” The sound of the zipper seemed really loud in the otherwise quiet of the lab.  “The excuses to get me to take my clothes off…”  Bucky’s voice was whiskey-rough and hitting all of Tony’s sweet spots.  “Can I touch you?”
          “Fuck yes. Please put your hands on me.” Tony didn’t realize that he was holding his breath until it came out of him in one shuddering sigh when Bucky shoved his jeans down his hips. “You know this isn’t why-“
          “Shhh,” Bucky said against his temple and lifted him up to sit on the table.  He slid his hand down to frame Tony’s jaw, resting the metal thumb on Tony’s lower lip.  “I know.  Stop thinking so hard about this and just use that mouth to tell me how I’m doing, hmm?”
“Yep, I can definitely do that.” Tony’s voice sounded a little shrill as Bucky started exploring his cock with gentle fingers, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “You’re doing great, just…yeah.”  His hips bucked and he gave a startled groan when Bucky squeezed his cock and ran a thumb over the head.
“You know, those noises you were making when I was touching your feet reminded me how much I like making people feel good.” Bucky was looking down at where he was slowly driving Tony crazy, but his other thumb was still stroking Tony’s lip idly, as if the metal could feel the softness there.  Tony gave in to temptation and flicked his tongue out to taste it.
That made Bucky’s eyes fly up to meet his in surprise. “Yeah?” he said, and Tony shuddered because somehow his voice had gotten even deeper.
“Oh, yeah.  You never noticed?”
At that Bucky’s eyes got heavy-lidded and his grin filthy. “I do now.” He slid his thumb deeper in Tony’s mouth and Tony closed his lips around it, sucking lightly, moaning around it as Bucky finally got around to stroking him with intent. It tasted like licking a battery and just like that Tony probably invented a whole new kink.
“Can you feel that?” Tony said hoarsely, trying not to squirm. He was so turned on that a few quick strokes could have finished him, but Bucky was still being maddeningly slow and gentle.
“Not really,” Bucky admitted.  “But it looks really fucking hot.” He tore his gaze away from Tony’s mouth and met Tony’s eyes, pupils blown.  He stepped in closer, close enough that Tony could feel his hard length against his thigh.  “I bet you have a really talented tongue, don’t you, Tony? Can we make that a part of this touch therapy thing we’ve got going?”
“Well, that’s a little more advanced than-hnnnng.”  Tony’s brain flat-lined again when Bucky bit into the muscle between neck and shoulder. The metal arm was still making mechanical noises in his ear and Bucky was still stroking him just a little too slowly and he was grinding his cock against Tony’s thigh like he could get off just like this and suddenly Tony couldn’t take it anymore. He buried one hand in Bucky’s thick hair and wrapped the other one around the hand on his cock, squeezing tighter and stroking faster and then he was coming all over their hands with a long drawn out “fuuuuuuuuck.”
He let his head drop on Bucky’s shoulder, still breathing heavily. “You,” he said, and forgot what he was going to say when he realized Bucky was still hard inside his jeans and was moving against Tony like he was so close to orgasm he could taste it.  He lifted his head.  “You’re going to need to slow down if you want to learn about my talented tongue.”
At that Bucky froze, making Tony smile as he tried to reach for the box of disposable shop cloths without falling off the table.  “Yeah, ok. Sure,” he said, cleaning his hands with jerky motions, not taking his eyes off Tony’s mouth as if he could already feel his lips around his dick.
Tony didn’t make Bucky scream his name when he came, but Bucky’s metal hand did rip a hole in the arm of the couch, so he counted that a victory.  He left Bucky sprawled on the couch, one arm thrown over his eyes, as he stood to grab a couple of bottles of water from the minifridge.
“So is that your first blowjob in like, seventy years?” Tony said with a smirk when he sat back down on the shop couch.
“Tony, that is literally the only blowjob I ever remember getting.” Smiling, Bucky took a drink of water, looking relaxed enough to fall asleep.
“So by default, the best. Nice.”
“Well, how would I really know without more to compare it to?”
Tony started coughing as the water went down the wrong pipe.  “Smooth,” he said hoarsely when he could breathe again.  “I see what you did there. So you and Steve haven't…” Tony stopped when Bucky started shaking his head.
“Steve and I are…complicated.  Don’t get me wrong, I do love the big lunkhead but there’s just so much…”
“Baggage?”
“Yeah.  He wants so hard to help but he just doesn’t know how, and I don’t know how to tell him, so we just get so tangled up and then we both start feeling guilty until we can barely look at each other.”
Tony nodded and tossed his empty bottle in the recycling bin.  “When people love, they give a part of themselves, but eventually they also want a part of you in return.  And I’m not saying that’s not fair, of course it should go both ways, but…” Tony trailed off, lost in thought and absently picking at a small tear in the couch upholstery.  “It can be hard.  To give a part of yourself to someone, even if you love them.”
“Exactly.” Bucky sighed.  “Can you touch my head again? For a bit? Then I’ll get out of your hair and, I dunno, maybe try to have a talk with Steve. Again.”
“Sure.” Tony scooted down to the end of the couch and patted his thighs. “Lay down.”
Bucky didn’t hesitate, putting his head in Tony’s lap and throwing his legs over the arm of the couch with a contented sigh.  He laced his fingers across his chest and closed his eyes, overall looking pretty damn satisfied with himself.
“Feeling good?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Now that the sexytimes were over, Tony’s mind was racing with everything else he’d planned to do to the bike before Bucky had completely derailed his train of thought, but Bucky seemed too relaxed to make him get up just yet.  So Tony just leaned his head against the back of the couch and finished taking apart the motor in his head.
***
Bucky must have had that talk with Steve because when Tony went to the kitchen in the morning in search of coffee and breakfast, he was already there waiting at the table, eyes red-rimmed and tired looking.
“Oh, hey,” Tony said in surprise.  “I thought you were going to be out at HQ today.”
“I wanted to talk to you. Bucky told me that you guys hang out at all hours of the night, so I thought…” Steve shrugged.
“Sorry.  It’s kind of hit or miss.” Especially when I haven’t asked JARVIS to tell me whenever you’re prowling around the common areas, Tony thought, pouring himself a bowl of cereal in case he needed to make a quick escape. “What’s up?”
“Bucky told me that you’ve been helping him with, you know…”
“That knee-jerk reaction to punch first and ask questions later?” Tony finished, measuring out coffee into the machine and grabbing glances at Steve from the corner of his eye.  Steve didn’t look mad that Tony had been making time with Bucky – if Bucky had even told him that much.  He just seemed…tired.  But like, existentially tired.  Tony could definitely sympathize.
“Yeah, that.”
“Ok. What about it?”  Tony finally leaned against the counter to face Steve while the coffee maker burbled behind him.
“I just wanted to say thank you.  Bucky says he’s feeling better and I don’t think he’s having as many bad dreams, so…anyway.  Thank you.”
“Well, I know a bit about what he’s going through, so…I mean, it’s not a big deal,” Tony said around a bite of cereal.  He eyed the level in the coffee pot but there wasn’t even enough for a cup yet, so he had to stay and be emoted at for a bit longer.  He glanced at Steve and saw the miserable look before Steve could cover it up. Sighing, he put his bowl down.  “Look, it’s going to be tough, trying to be with someone that’s dealing with heavy shit, ok? Bucky’s going to hurt you –“
“Bucky would never –“
“Sorry, Steve, but that’s a bunch of horse shit,” Tony said, talking over him.  “He’s already hurting you, and you have to admit it, even to yourself, ok? He can see it and when you try to pretend its ok, then he just feels worse. Look,” Tony leaned over the counter, trying to get Steve to raise his head from where he was examining the marble countertop with determination. “Look at me, Steve.  I can help Bucky, but you also need someone to talk to, ok?  Try giving Pepper a call.  She’ll have some good advice for you.  Bucky loves you, and I know you love him, but I think he needs a friend right now more than anything else.” At that, Tony turned away and poured himself a cup of coffee, so he missed the raised eyebrow and quirked lips that would have been a warning.
“I thought they were calling it a ‘friends with benefits’ these days,” Steve said, and Tony almost dropped his bowl of cereal.
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