#fucking hellscape i lost my uncle then i lost my favorite uncle then i lost my fucking grandma and i had to deal with an emotionally manipu

[lordiavoloremade]

god if there ever was a fucking week to kill myself this surely woul dbe the one!

#literally fucking everything has been terrible. #my moms fucking depressed and she has scoliosis and shes always in pain and shes always in a bad mood now and she never wants to do anything #even when shes in a good mood because shes always in pain and she takes it out on me and my dad and its just been miserable since 2015 when #she tried to kill herself in front of me and my dad over spring break #and then the period of time between 2017-2019 i had to deal with my abusive relationship and about every other month she would have another #depressive episode stop taking her medicine then she would get physically violent with my father and throw things at him and would tryt to #kill herself or say she was d***ng in front of me and that was after my first mental breakdown ehere i was crying every day for 3 years #straight because my life was such a fucking hellscape and me and t**** had at one point a suicide pact because of how bad everything was #getting and finally when things were normal again he broke up with me in front of the whole school on graduation morning and i cried all day #while he just laughed and had fun with his friends like nothing had happened while i could hear him all day long and then he apologized #like 2 hours after we left school and i took him back before the graduation ceremony part and just these last fucking 6 years have been a #fucking hellscape i lost my uncle then i lost my favorite uncle then i lost my fucking grandma and i had to deal with an emotionally manipu #lative piece of fucking shit for 3 of those years who ostrocized me from my friends and now i cant fucking remember the last 6 years for shi #shit and finally when things were looking up now i was a fucking idiot and overwrote my fucking phone back up and now its saying it has not #enough memory on the device to restore it which doesnt make any sense its the same phone and i just want to fucking #cry and i cant because i cant upset my mom because if i do shes going to get worse so i have to hold evverything in and i #cant leave the house ebcause i cant work i cant do anything my only option is to kill my self thats all i can see anymore the #world is burning i dont have anyone close to me anymore the last time i let anyone in was t**** and im never going to let anyone #in again because of how he hurt me and used everything against me and ive ruined my life ive made tooo many unforgiveable mistakes i will #never be able to take back i just want to die and go up to my inner world / afterlife where i can hug lucifer and asra and mammon and every #one i love is there and were all happy and no one hates eachother its just like how it was when i was young and everyone was there and no on #e had died yet or got sick or any thing i just want thth ab ack why does everything hve to change every year i lose antoher person i cant fu #kcking take it anymore ij ust want t odie and go to my afterlife i m of no use here i make no one happy everyone hates me #my mom and dad are dissapointed in me they dont want me around anyore because all i do is cause conflict and waste money im just a fucking b #urden and no one can tell me other wise because i shut out everyone else and now i only trust myself and my own opinions i odnt see anyone o #n my level anymore i havent had a friend since i was 15 that was the last time i let anyone in who actually cared about me #and wasnt just there to use me for my parents money or generosityy or anything else #i dont have anyone all i have is my f/os and my cats who love me thats it #go forward link #suicide /

[ameliatheamazing]

Zuko Alone

HOOO BOY oh my god. Just when I thought the fire nation couldn’t be any more messed up… it continues to appall me. Absolutely INSANE. Anyway I’m gonna attempt to organize my many thoughts. This is gonna be really long I’m sorry.

As I thought, it only focused on Zuko the whole episode. And he was alone. But he found some nice people! But then some bad things happened with some mean soldiers and the nice people didn’t like him anymore.

We got a LOT of backstory and I loved those flashbacks! seeing them as kids was SO CUTE and baby zuko must be protected. Except there was also a substantial amount of Bad Things that happened because we’re the fire nation and life is a fucking nightmare.

Azula is literally insane and she was like that even as a child. Here are the things she (basically) said: “I hope uncle dies so our dad can be fire lord”  “Uncle is a loser because he was sad about his son dying” “Hey zuko, dad is literally gonna kill you. No offense haha” and “lol mom left and grandpa died!! Also zuko you suck.” 

It’s all learned behavior, like just growing up in the hellscape that is the fire nation made her act this way at a very young age. She criticized iroh for being a “coward” when he retreated which she clearly copied from all the adults around her. But any sane person would understand that he LOST his SON and so what he did is perfectly understandable and fine!! Also, being a “coward” and a “loser” are the same things that led Zuko to be banished. Any display of fear (or any emotion besides anger) is punished in the fire nation. It is all SO MESSED UP and I can’t even believe it. 

Zuko is not as bad as Azula though. He was upset when he heard his cousin and grandfather died, because that is how normal people respond to that news. I think a lot of it comes from the different ways they were treated, like Azula was always the better child, the favorite, the fire bending prodigy. And when people keep telling you that, you start to believe it and act really arrogant. Meanwhile Zuko always had to work harder and he always was told that he was a failure (and that definitely got worse after his mom left bc she was the one who supported him so much).

Zuko’s mom is AMAZING and she cares about him so much why did she have to leave?? It definitely had something to do with ozai becoming the fire lord and it seemed like she was leaving on purpose. Maybe she left her husband because he was The Worst which I would have also done in that situation. Either way she should’ve taken zuko with her! Also she’s most definitely dead now which is what I expected. The good parent always has to die. 

We also found out what happened with Iroh and why he never became fire lord (which I had wondered before). Idk what he would’ve been like as fire lord but it definitely would’ve been better than Ozai who is bad. I am positive that ozai killed Azulon and lied that he was meant to be fire lord instead of Iroh. It just makes sense. They still won’t show his face which is kinda annoying honestly. Like what are they waiting for??

This was a GREAT episode. Zuko is definitely my favorite character, he’s just... amazingly written. And it’s so interesting to see what he’ll do next because you don’t always know! I certainly don’t know what will happen after this. I hope it’s good, although I doubt they can top this. See ya then!

#avatar the last airbender #atla #atla liveblog #zuko alone #episode review

[justjessame]

A Little Ass and A Lotta Sass Chapter 19:  Harsh Realities...AKA Alexandria's Safety at What Cost?

Not long after we finished dinner, the knock came to the door to announce a round of ‘who gets to guard Negan’s baby’ inside and out. Two women and two men, all fierce looking, and all who would be terrifying to me, if I hadn’t survived the hellscape for as long as I had. I waited, seated in the chair I’d eaten dinner in, as Negan pointed each out to me and waited for me to ask questions to decide who of these warriors would lead my own version of his little security detail.

“Laura,” Negan pointed to a blonde woman with an fascinating neck tattoo. “Arat,” the woman who’d killed Olivia without flinching. “Jared,” a long-haired man who flicked a look at me and then refocused on his fearless leader. And “David,” the other man, who should have looked away after meeting my eyes, but seemed unable to stop himself from looking and licking his lips.

I studied them from my perch as Negan came to stand beside me. I knew, even if he wasn’t thinking of doing it, that this was my first challenge. My first test of my little talent. And so, I relaxed and took in the four people standing at attention in front of me. David was a hard no, I could tell that from the moment his eyes met my person. I’d say my own eyes, but honestly he wasn’t looking at my face. No, his eyes were roving over me in a way that made me want to take a long hot shower in Clorox. If I wanted him dead, I’d draw attention to it, but I had a feeling with the way he was looking at me, Negan would have his blood on his hands sooner rather than later.

Jared, the other man was the exact opposite. He’d barely glanced at me, which begged the question of why? Why couldn’t he look at me? Was it fear of Negan? Or was it something else?

“Jared?” I asked, forcing him to flick his gaze at me again to show he was listening. “What weapon are you most dominant in?” A safe question, for most to answer, but the answers were always telling.

I could see several thoughts flit across his face. The way his jaw tensed. The flinch of his irritation at being asked to account for anything to the likes of me. I watched, silent and waiting, but before he could muster his answer, I moved on.

“Laura?” I watched Jared’s face, seeing it burn red at being skipped over from his answer, and continued. “Would you be comfortable leaving Negan’s personal service for mine?”

“Absolutely,” Laura was grinning at me and I felt like she was being not only honest, but serious. I’m sure she felt watching over me would be a vacation of sorts. “I’m willing to perform whatever detail Negan asks, or you, if necessary.” I liked her. There wasn’t that shadow that seemed to float over most of his Saviors.

I smiled, and nodded, my eyes still on Jared. He was fuming. “Jared? Have you finally come to an answer?” I could see him fighting against growling out an answer to me, and to be honest, I didn’t need to pay attention to what he said. It didn’t matter. I knew he wouldn’t be safe near me, or vice versa.

I looked at the final woman. “Arat,” It wasn’t a question, because, while she looked as sincere in her willingness to guard me, I wouldn’t take her from Negan’s side. This warrior woman was the one person in the entire room that I would trust his life with bar none. And for that reason, I wouldn’t entertain keeping her for myself. “I think that I’d rather you stay in your current position, if you don’t mind.” Her curt nod, meeting my eyes and a small smirk finding her lips, was all I needed to know we understood one another.

David wouldn’t be asked any questions. Not now, at least. I crooked my finger to Negan, so he’d lean forward for my decision, as though it wasn’t obvious. Laura would lead my team. I’d have time tomorrow to sit with her, and discuss anyone else she wanted to add.

Once the four were dismissed, Jared shooting me daggers with his eyes and David looking like he’d missed out on his favorite fucking meal, Negan closed the door behind them and locked it. He turned to me, questions heavy on his mind.

“David is dangerous.” I said, standing and collecting our dinner dishes. “Not to you, possibly, but to all the women he deems worthy of his notice. Seeing David, might mean every single person here with a vagina.” I heard his hand rub down his face. I shrugged. “He couldn’t keep his eyes off of me, and not my lovely face.”

I felt Negan’s arms wrap around me from behind and leaned back into his chest. “Jared hates authority. Especially a woman’s. And he hates to be questioned.” I felt Negan stiffen. “One day soon it’s going to end badly for him, he’s going to press the wrong person, and he’ll end up dead.” I said it as matter-of-fact as I could, because it was true.

“And Arat-”

“You don’t want her because she killed your friend.” He answered for me, and I turned in his arms and looked up at him.

I shook my head and cupped his cheek. “No,” my voice was quiet, but sure. “I don’t want Arat because she doesn’t hesitate to protect you. She’s fierce, she’s loyal and she doesn’t flinch to keep your ass alive. I won’t take her because with her beside you, I know you’ll keep coming back to me.” And there it was. My own proof of how I felt without saying the ‘l’ word.

The look on his face was priceless. I’m sure it was the same one I’d worn when he’d made his own declaration about his feelings about me. And then he lowered his head and our lips met, that fire that he’d begged me to recognize in the laundry room in Alexandria flared up. For once, he knew that I felt it too. Just as strongly, just as real.

Our morning began as our mornings were destined to begin every day from here to the end of time, wrapped up in one another, a moment of irritation from me for the daring nature of the sun to wake me up, and then Negan reminding me why being awake with him wasn’t such a horrible experience. As we sat at breakfast, me in his discarded t-shirt, him shirtless and irresistible, we talked.

I was slowly learning that with Negan, it wasn’t just physical. We could talk, about Sanctuary business and about how I could see things that he didn’t notice, along with our pasts. This morning, he reminded me of my promise to tell him about my stellar romantic history. AKA how many times and places had Callie gotten caught in the middle of something?

I’d just finished telling him about the time my best friend’s entire family had walked in on her brother and I in their living room, his laughter rolling around me when he glanced up, those gorgeous eyes of his dark with desire. I licked my lip, and went for the one that I knew would make him the most shocked.

“Then there was the time I got caught by Dad’s fellow sheriff deputies.” Negan’s eyes widened, his grin so full that I almost lost sight of his dimples. “Bar parking lot, after hours, got too hot in the truck so we opened the door. He had me bent over the seat and I was ALMOST there, when the spot light hit us, and there were two honorary uncles telling us to get the fuck home.” I stopped, and took a drink of water for a dramatic pause. “I asked if we could finish first, because I was nearly there.”

That did it, Negan pounded the table with his fist, laughter bursting from him like a broken fire hydrant. “Oh my god, princess, that’s too fucking much. What the fuck did Rick say?”

I blushed, bright burning red. “Um, yeah, well it was even worse. One of those ‘uncles’ mentioned to Dad that he hadn’t noticed how grown I’d gotten.” Dad had slapped the fuck out of that guy, not Shane, but another gross ass deputy. “He nearly got put on suspension for hitting the fucker, said it was worth it, and begged me to THINK about where I was when the urge hit.” I shrugged and bit my lip at the memory. It was gross, thinking about someone who’d watched me grow up and still had that thought hit him when I was in the throws of passion with someone else. Ew.

He was watching my face, and I saw that cloud descend. He was agreeing with Dad, I could tell, and I was thankful that that deputy was most certainly dead now. Negan, needing a break, changed topics.

“Your talent was impressive last night.” He started, finishing his breakfast. “I’ll be keeping David under more scrutiny. I fucking hate men who think women are prey.” I considered his look as he’d crawl up the bed, predatory, but fully consensual and understood. “As for Jared,” he sighed and sat back. I hadn’t been able to fully articulate his danger. Yet, he knew that he was dangerous, I had a feeling he heard it from others. “He’s been working with Gavin collecting from the Kingdom.” I felt my stomach flip. The Kingdom? Hadn’t they been released from their servitude, like Alexandria? “Gavin told me he was having issues with him, but Dwight mentioned a change of duty might help.” Of course, Dwight mentioned. My thoughts were still twisted, curious about the Kingdom and what this information meant. “I’ll have to consider what his next spot will be.”

“The Kingdom?” I asked, taking another drink, feeling a bit dizzy at the thought that I really should have listened to the treaty that came at the price of me being here. “Aren’t they included in the deal Dad made with you?” They had helped, were helping, by giving Carol a place to recoup from her freak out during the attacks. Hell, it had been Jesus that had helped Carl find the Sanctuary.

Negan’s look was one of shock. “Sweetheart, no.” He shook his head, staring at me with wonder. Clearly he assumed I knew more than I obviously did. “The only community that’s had their requirements levied was Alexandria. I told you, I was only willing to give up that.” He was reminding me of the vagueness I’d listened to. Shit. “Callie, you knew that, I told you.” It was nearly a plea. Nearly, but tinged with exasperation at my disbelief.

I swallowed the knot that was growing in my throat. “Yeah, I did.” I nodded, feeling the fear for Maggie, situated in Hilltop, at the mercy of that idiot Gregory. “Sorry, must have been a few longer days than I thought.” I was trying to keep my panic at bay, trying to keep myself calm, but I realized that I’d consider myself part martyr for choosing him, and I hadn’t even thought to hear the full details. I was going to have to censor my thoughts or ideas about Maggie, didn't Negan think she died? I’d have to pray that she wasn’t attempting to create an army to fight him, and for the first time I wasn’t entirely sure which side I’d be on in that fight.

Negan was watching me, of course, and I knew even without my little talent he’d read me fairly well. He saw far more than most people would give him credit for, seeing only the cock surety of his personality and the ego he allowed flow around him like armor, but I knew. I knew that he could see more and figure out how to appease it, or use it to his advantage.

“Callie,” his voice urged me to look at him. And like a moth to a flame, I complied with both the power of his voice and my own need to see him. “You have to understand,” he was trying to explain himself, trying to make me realize his reasoning, and I did. It didn’t make it an easier pill to swallow. “This place runs as well as it does, it stays going and we stay safe because of the other communities.” I nodded, knowing this, but feeling him trying to reassure me helped calm me somewhat. “I’m not unfair, sweetheart, even if the parts that you heard sound like it, even if the way you experienced it made it seem like it.” I knew he was thinking about our beds. “We keep them safe, we keep ourselves going. That’s it. Taxation.”

“Without representation?” I asked, not judging, but trying so desperately to really understand. I knew my eyes were showing how desperate I was for him to calm me, to show me who he was under the badass leader I’d seen, that one that turned me on, and the one that everyone feared.

He sighed. “People are resources, Callie.” His tell, a hand rubbing down his face, showing his feeling of losing control of any situation. “I, we, don’t fucking kill people randomly. No matter how it might seem from the situation your dad put me in. Every community I, we take supplies from, helps build us, and in return-”

“Safety,” I repeat. What are they gaining security from, I wondered? Unknown dangers, or looking at the father of my unborn child, you?

#negan x ofc #the walking dead #Smut #alternate universe

[atamascolily]

One of the exercises in Julia Cameron’s The Vein of Gold is to compile a list of favorite movies--or ones with images that resonate with you--and note any patterns that arise. Here are some of mine, with observations below.

(For the purposes of this exercise, I’m sticking with live-action films, but there’s no reason why there couldn’t be animated films.)

1. Star Wars Original Trilogy (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)

(Yes, I know this is technically three films, with three different directors and independent histories, but I didn’t feel like listing them all separately.)

2. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Ironically, I love the first Peter Jackson movie, but not any of the subsequent ones. Which is not to say they’re necessarily bad movies, but they’re not the ones I’d want on endless loop. (Part of this is because The Two Towers and The Return of the King are essentially war movies, and also because I have to watch Faramir act OOC, which hurts my soul.)

3. The Secret Garden

4. The Matrix

I actually don’t have strong feelings about Reloaded and Revolutions--like, the actual plot is weird, but I am so not watching these films for plot.

5. Return to Oz

6. Inception

7. Labyrinth

8. The Terminator

Don’t get me wrong, Terminator 2 has a lot going for it, but it’s not the one that I can’t stop thinking about (except for that one deleted scene with Michael Biehn, which is a totally different story).

Thoughts and Themes:

So at first glance, it seems like I have two separate categories: ‘80s and ‘90s-’00s films. Or maybe it’s sci-fi and fantasy? The Secret Garden is the only one that even approaches some kind of realism, and even that is a pastoral kind of world that would not be out of place in the more peaceful parts of, say, Middle-Earth (especially Fourth Age). How about high-tech vs. low-tech, or cyberpunk vs. fairy tale? Or, even better, what about reality vs. illusion (or story vs. truth if you prefer)--which is also a major tension within every film on this list?

I’ll also note that most of these films have an epic color palette, with memorable landscapes that either serve as characters in and of themselves, or symbolize the mental states of various characters. These films are beautiful works of art, reveling in The Aesthetic, whether that’s the idyllic peacefulness of the Shire or the grimy back alleys of 1980s Los Angeles.

The thing that really got me when I laid it out like this--the thing I hadn’t noticed before--was that all of these involve a (sometimes literal) rebirth, transition, or journey from darkness to light (or light to darkness to light again, depending on the work). You could also substitute life and death here, and not change much.

This is, again, often quite literal: Sarah moves underground in Labyrinth, the Fellowship descends into the Mines of Moria, the secret garden comes to life with the spring, Dorothy confronts the Nome King in his underground lair. Neo wakes up to find himself naked and soaked to the skin, and flushed down the tubes like garbage, in a literal hellscape where the machines destroyed the sun (a motif that also appears in Terminator’s dystopian future), then literally dies and is resurrected at the end of the film. Luke goes underground to confront his own double--another recurring theme!--on Dagobah.

Duality and the exploration of one’s soul through another world is HUGE  big theme--or, to put it another way, The internal mirrors the external. This is a huge motif of Inception, which is a literal inward journey into a character’s psyche; and you could also make the argument that both Return to Oz and Labyrinth cover similar territory. Is Oz real, or is it in Dorothy’s head? Is Ozma a part of her, or is Ozma a separate entity? Is Jareth a real foe or is he the embodiment of Sarah’s fears and desires, a fantasy she concocts based on a story in a book?  And Frodo realizes he’s not so different from Gollum, that the sad shriveled creature is what he could become if he fails at his task--and, ironically, his kindness to Gollum is what allows the quest to succeed when Frodo finally succumbs to temptation.

Frodo in the The Fellowship of the Ring sees the world differently when he wears the One Ring, and it’s terrifying. Sarah Connor realizes that she’s left her ordinary world behind and crossed into Kyle and the Terminator’s reality in a moving speech, and The Matrix doesn’t even try to be subtle. Even The Secret Garden uses the eponymous garden as a metaphor for the blossoming of Mary’s own soul, and the souls of those around her (especially her uncle and cousin, but also Ben Weatherstaff).

These stories are also concerned with ecology, though it’s usually a background motif, since the main focus is on saving the world (or what’s left of it, i.e, humans). The Shire is paradise; Mordor is a desolate hellscape, dominated by a giant volcano. Kyle Reese breaks down over the beauty of the world, and Mary Lennox seeks to bring the lost garden back to life. Dorothy retreats elsewhere after the grey grimness of Kansas/the mental hospital.

There’s also a real tension concerning humans’ relationship to technology in these films. The Matrix is an illusion, and machines control the earth. Or the machines don’t even bother farming humans and aim to kill ‘em all. Saruman literally transforms Isengard from a tree-lined field to an industrial hellscape. The mental institution uses that freaky electrical machine on Dorothy. Star Wars is more accepting of droids and technology, but even there, there’s tension: Obi-wan calls Darth Vader “more machine than man,” and it’s not a compliment; the Death Star is built to obliterate entire planets and must be stopped twice.

I’d argue this theme goes deeper than human/tech--it’s really human/other, with technology providing one kind of other. There’s human-alien interactions in Star Wars and Labyrinth, not to mention Mary’s relationship with the robin in The Secret Garden, Dorothy’s friendship with Jack Pumpkinhead and the Gump. On a less friendly note, Frodo’s relationship with Gollum is the emotional crux of the Lord of the Rings.

These films also feature the classic hero’s journey, but often through a female lens. The protagonist usually has no special skills other than their strong moral character and determination--or even if they do have skills (like Ariadne*), they still serve as an audience surrogate or substitute, a stranger to the new worlds they visit. The protagonist has at least one faithful friend/companion/love interest to help them (sometimes even a team/found family), and often a mentor as well (who may or may not be a crusty eccentric). In the end, the characters must take control of their own destiny--Frodo chooses to leave the Fellowship, Luke throws away his lightsaber rather than kill his father, Sarah declares to Jareth “You have no power over me”. Sarah Connor yells, “On your feet, soldier!” and keeps going to the bitter end, and Mary Lennox is unafraid of her bratty cousin’s wrath and puts a stop to it when everyone else enables him.

*(As an aside, I know Ariadne’s not the main character in Inception, but I find the actual main character way less interesting, so she’s the one I focus on, just like I find Trinity far more compelling than Neo.)

Characters often have Meaningful Names: Morpheus, Trinity, Neo; Ariadne; Luke Skywalker, Han Solo. These films also feature a question of fate and inevitability - Luke has precognitive visions, Neo consults the Oracle, Sarah is told “there is no fate but what we make for ourselves,” with Kyle serving as an oracle of sorts with messages from the future to come. The Mirror of Galadriel shows possible futures for the Shire, too.

Another theme is that the protagonist must suffer and/or work hard for their transformation. Mary has to do the actual work of gardening; Luke has to sweat and do handstands (beautifully, I might add); Frodo has to walk to Mount Doom; Sarah has to walk the labyrinth, and Sarah Connor has to survive a fucking nightmare. Dorothy has to rescue the royal family of Ev and free Ozma; Ariadne has to design a dream-puzzle for the heist to work. Even Neo has to train with Morpheus--though he’s able to use cheat codes to download martial arts directly into his brain without having to sweat for it; his real journey is in self-confidence. 

In keeping with the stunning visuals, impossible feats are regularly featured, and excellent, cutting-edge-for-their-time special effects are prominent. Many also feature stunning fight scenes--the classic Luke vs. Vader duel on Cloud City; the “I know Kung fu” sequence in The Matrix; the clashes in The Fellowship of the Ring. Jareth has some excellent moves in Labyrinth, too, although he’s more inclined to dance than traditional battles.

I couldn’t resist contrasting my favorite moment in Return to Oz--rescuing Ozma from the mirror prison--with Ariadne shattering her own reflection in Inception, because that is such a moment for me, encapsulating all of the reality/illusion, internal/external, self/other dichotomies I mentioned above. (See also the Mirror of Galadriel above.) Inception and Labyrinth also share the motif of impossible Escher staircases, which I freakin’ adore.

It will probably come as no surprise to note that I also enjoyed films like The Dark Crystal, The Neverending Story,  and What Dreams May Come, which tap into similar themes and imagery. You’ll probably be able to guess that The Sword in the Stone is my favorite animated Disney film, too.

I also love a number of Asian films like Hero, House of Flying Daggers, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, all of which feature beautiful landscapes and color palettes, stunning fight scenes and special effects, along with a healthy dose of the fantastic, and a focus on story vs. reality (often with a plot twist or surprise reveal at the end). This is unsurprising when you consider the strong debt both Star Wars and The Matrix owe to Asian cinema in terms of style, plot, and aesthetic. In those films, the tension is more society vs. self, but duality is still very strongly present.

If you notice any other patterns or recurring themes, let me know; I’d love to hear them! Also, if you can think of any other movies I might enjoy based on this, let me know.

#writing exercises #personal writing meta #favorite gifs #vein of gold