#gonna start a new drawing and blast some soad and try to ignore the excruciating pain im in

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent/endometriosis/on mobile idk/suicide mention

There's seriously something really ironic in the most fucked up ways about being a guy, but being trans, but also having endometriosis that has caused lifelong trauma, but getting a hysterectomy and feeling better, but then the pain comes back, but going on meds that make it better, but then the meds stop working.

There is literally nothing I can do to escape the presence of uterine tissue in my body. I literally have a piece of my uterus framed on my wall to be like, "I survived, mothafucka." And yet, somehow, it keeps coming back like a fucking slasher movie villain. No one wants to see this sequel. Especially not me. I just want to be a normal dude, and not internally bleed from God knows where my body decided to start regrowing a uterus literally just to spite me.

I fucking hate this shit so much. I literally JUST got over the trauma of the last episode that happened just over a year ago. I can't go back to daily panic attacks again, but I do not know how I am supposed to survive when my body pain is at an 11/10. Menstual/cramping is literally the only pain I cannot tolerate. I have broken a toe and gone out to go dancing right after. I've torn the padding in my shoulder and kept lifting weights. I have arthritis and fibromyalgia and tmj problems and chronic headaches. But cramping? I almost kmsed during the last episode, but I was in too much pain to move and find anything to do it with.

How the fuck am I supposed to live with this curse for the rest of my life?? Because guess what, menopause isn't even a way out - people with endo can still have endo problems even after going through menopause. I can say I'll probably be in that camp because the meds I've been on simulate menopause and here I am suffering yet again.

I looked it up whether starting T would do anything and the only answers I got were 'there's no data available' (lmao why does society hate trans people), or 'your body still produces some estrogen while on T, so you could technically still grow endometrial tissue.' Like thanks, that was like my one and only hope that, if I just come out to my family and start T maybe it would get my body to shut up about uteruses, but apparently that's not a solution.

I don't even know what to fucking do right now. I know my doctor isn't gonna have a solution either, because this med was supposed to be a 'fix' and when I come off it later this year, it was supposed to last me a while until the pain comes back, BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN STOPPED TAKING THE MED YET AND ALREADY I'M SUFFERING. I can't fucking do this. Lmao, okay I'm panicking. Stop thinking about dying lmao.

I hate this so much. I'm a guy, and then it's like I'm being punished with woman disease. Can't look up anything about endometriosis without being reminded that 'endometriosis is a condition that affects WOMEN.' Literally the only thing I have serious dysphoria about was having a uterus (and my voice), everything else I could manage or just accept even if I didn't like it. And of course, I'm stuck with a body that's gradually growing me more uteruses. 'Oh, hey, you dropped your uterus, have another. Wait, I hit ctrl+V a thousand times, sorry, bro.'

Brb gonna go die of internal bleeding, I guess?? Where does the blood even go?? I don't have a uterus, and IDK where the fuck the cells are. I swear it feels like they're growing on my pelvis and intestines. I don't even want to know if endometrial cells can grow on bones. That knowledge would devastate me.

I wish I could have enjoyed 2020 more. After I healed from the hysto, it was like, the best time of my life. No more pain during penetration, no fear of period blood, no worries about getting pregnant, no cramps at all, I felt so free.

Now, I feel like I don't even have a life to look forward to. I literally just started turning things around with a new psych med and taking up drawing and writing again. And now I'm gonna constantly be on edge waiting for the next episode to rip its way through my body. I don't want to do this.

#endometriosis #anxiety #ptsd #vent #personal #suicide mention #Post.exe #Cori.exe #trans man #pregnancy mention #menstruation #can i mix painkillers and anxiety pills? i dont think i care lol ill be fine i just need to stop panicking lol #gonna start a new drawing and blast some soad and try to ignore the excruciating pain im in #i seem to be keeping my food down now that i have advils in my system (which im not supposed to take but its the only one that helps) #im just gonna have to set an alarm for every 6 hours and take the advil #i have to skip all my arthritis meds so i can take the advil #so im probably gonna get a big arthritis flare up but thats okay i can live with that pain itll be worth the mild relief rn #i got the hydrocodone still from the kast episode so thats helping a lil too but its never enough #no pain killers can numb the pain of having your body internally bleed by its own damn volition