#had a whole fucking panic attack that took me out for almost 20 mins @ work

[elliesmistress]

what's your funniest high story?

Uhhhhhh, not funny but looking back it it's fucking hilarious.

I was going about my normal day and decided to annoy my dealer with getting tabs (LSD) I brought them, went home and was meant to go to a party the next day. My friends told me not to take it because I'd probably kill myself (I didn't fyi), got home texted my mate that I was gonna do it, he told me take quarter coz it was my first time having acid. I took quarter fucking sucked that shit dry and swallowed.

After 1 hour didn't feel shit so I took another quarter after 10 mins didn't feel shit so went fuck it and took the whole thing-

After maybe 5-10 mins I called my dad and it really started hitting, I thought I had a dick and started stroking the air like a little bitch for at least 20 mins (I am a little bitch fucking sue me and sadly I didn't come 🫡), everything started to move and look weird, think I hung up on my dad at that point. I then proceeded to have a panic attack for 5 hours (I just had a deju vu moment guys sorry), I paced around my room for about an hour, breaking my fan, multiple plates, lecturing myself why not to do LSD and probably my mental health- I called my sister and she told me her dog went paralyzed in the back legs and I laughed my ass off and told her I consumed too many red bulls (I was about to die) refused to pee for probably 6 hours if that (I had taken it at 7-8pm at night) I then texted my guy friend and told him random shit coz I was freaking out THEN I called my bsf who literally said "I'm going on a. Little trip, not like you tho" and it made it worse, she then started playing rick and Morty in the background which I could "see" I then hung up on her got a text from my Mom saying "go to sleep" by this point I was gonna jump off a fucking building , I then went to my dog and proceeded to cry for at least 20 minutes while she was asleep, I also texted my bsf and continued to text her before she had to go to work at 2am (she's American so like maybe 7-8am her time) I was panicking and being rude but that's fucking besides the point I was fucking hilarious (I was literally shaking and my muscles were contracting) . Texted my friend at 6-7am when she woke up happy birthday and that I was still going to her party~

Had to walk to the bus coz I wasn't sober enough to fucking drive, got onto the bus and to the ferry, god decided that day he was gonna make me cum on a boat (I didn't actually DW it was just the movements) I also almost punched this kid on the face coz he wouldn't stfu and I was angry, got to the party I then proceeded to drink alcohol until I was 6 shots in and had redbull and vodka. I got another bad trip and by this point I hadn't slept for 20 hours so I called my sister and begged her to come pick me up, then uh yeah I went to sleep and it felt like my body was falling through the mattress (don't recommend)

Don't do drugs

#dont do drugs kids #dont do it #im funny #i need a mental ward #lsd #im fucking hilarious

[wetpapert0wel]

lmao

#edit: its cheeky for like. one second. the rest is pretty w/e lol #cheeky vent //////////// #///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// #//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// #only bad things happen when i j/o during the day lol #unless i'm completely 100% isolated with 0 things to do for the whole day #today SUCKED #had a whole fucking panic attack that took me out for almost 20 mins @ work #i've been doing Literally Everything Except Bar even though i have been Begging to do bar for the past 3 weeks #i don't mind the janitorial shit. i hate stocking fridges. and i Loathe the pressure that gets shoved onto me w/ drive thru #i could not hate drive thru more than i do #i don't care for dishes. they're just super boring #i can talk to ppl doing like. in store orders!! but i can't on drive thru for some reason!!! #i wanna say one of my issues is that. when i try to connect w/ customers i have to take off my headset bc i literally . #cannot hear At All if i don't have both ears. especially if i'm listening to my coworkers chat over the headset at the same time #i feel also like i'm being like. Punished for my incompetence lol #that's absolutely not the case i'm sure but like. idk. everyone's pretty cool & nice but they're all mentally ill kids around my age #that said they probably just kinda think i'm dumb because i'm struggling really hard to retain info. idk #idk! i'm so nonconfrontational that i don't want to keep pushing for bar time bc i kept begging and now i'm being given these tasks by my #shifts & thats fine i need to be told what to do bc i literally have no clue otherwise. but i want more bar time. so bad. #god. anyways #hi i work @ starbucks idk if i made any posts abt it LMAO #_this is bojack btw.

[fitmydaydream]

Apologies - Part 2

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

Prompt: After Y/N storms out of Shawn's studios, she plans something which will shatter Shawn's heart.

Word Count: About 3k

A/N: So here it is lovlies!!!! I would suggest you to read the first part if you still haven't. I'm still so overwhelmed by the response Apologies got and I apologise if this sucks. Happy reading babies! I love each one of you and I really hope you like this! 💖

Hurt. Broken. Devastated. These words would all be an understatement of how you were feeling right. You were still not over the words Shawn attacked you with, creating a big issue out of a small surprise which was only meant for him.

You're not a fucking queen. Snap out of your dream! You make me sick Y/N. You're so fucking selfish and self-absorbed that I can't even tell you.

All those words kept circling your mind. You tried hard to get rid of them but they were so adamant about not leaving you alone.

You debated with yourself about what to do. You needed to clear your mind. You knew decisions taken in rage are always regrettable and have never been beneficial to anyone.

After sitting inside your car for another 5 minutes to dry your tears out, you settled on going to your favorite ice cream parlor to clear your mind out. After all, a girls gotta eat.

You pulled your car out of the parking lot quietly, careful of the fact about not letting anyone especially Shawn know that you were still here otherwise who knows that he might as well flip out again.

xx

After Shawn saw you walk out of the studio, he went inside his room and slammed his door shut, not wanting anyone to let inside. He didn't need anyone to tell him what he did was wrong because he very well knew it.

He was ashamed of himself. With every awful word he threw at you, he knew he was being less of himself and that he was breaking you inside out. He hated himself for doing that to you. For letting the anger bring out the worst of him. For saying words he never actually meant. He didn't know where that rage and those words came from. He was a completely different person. It was like an evil soul had taken over him.

Tears of realisation and regret were now streaming down his face and his throat went dry.

He hated when you were upset. He hated even more when the reason you were upset was him. And today, not only he made you upset but also hurt you so bad. He made you cry. He humiliated you in front of people.

He loved you so much. He would never do a thing to hurt you or would never let anything happen to you. You were his life. His reason to live. But today he proved it all wrong.

This stress was taking over him. It was eating his soul up. He knew it was unhealthy. He knew it would wear him out soon. You'd warned him about this. And he did what he feared the most.

He remembered how you told him not to get too engrossed in this and give yourself a break because you knew he needed one. You knew he was building up a bubble which was filled with frustration and that it's gonna burst out someday on someone which won't be nice at all. And that someday was today and that someone was you.

He cried even harder. He pulled on his hair. Hard sobs escaped his lips.

He started to think about how big of a dick he had been to you in the past months. He left you alone for most of the times. He would leave you to eat dinner alone. Somedays when you would come home from work, all tired and wore out, he wouldn't hug you or take care of you properly. He knew you'd a habit of stressing over work even when there was no need to and yet he left you to deal with it all alone. God knows how many nights you must've cried to sleep and he wasn't there to make you stop.

He didn't take care of you like he used to when you were sick and wasn't there to stop you to go to work when you'd a bad flu.

He would sometimes snap at you out of nowhere and you'd still be there for him. You were there for him through all this. You were always supportive of him. You were never selfish. He thought if anyone who was being self-absorbed it was him.

"Fuck! What did I do?" He didn't realise he'd been biting on his lips too hard until he tasted some blood in his mouth.

Fear took over him. He was afraid you would break up with him. He'd messed up big time. He feared that you would leave him without even giving him a second chance even though he wasn't worthy of one. He deserved every form of anger you'd to offer. He owed you an apology at the least.

He wasn't ready to face you after all that he'd said to you. He was ashamed of himself. He would never be able to look at himself in the mirror if he doesn't make things right today. He decided to put an end to this distance between the two of you once and for all.

He gets up and searches for his car keys. Once he gets them, he strides towards the door and gets out. Suddenly he overhears a conversation that makes him halt in his steps.

"What? Are you okay?" Brian asked you worriedly.

"Yes Brian. I'm fine. Just send in a car here or someone who can help me out except him. You don't need to tell him anything please. I don't want to see his face. Just now for the least. Please. Can you do this? Just do something sooner because it's getting a bit colder and my heater is trash." you told Brian calmly.

You never reached the ice cream parlor that you planned on going to. You were on your way, almost made it through a 20 min drive from Shawn's studio when your car showed mere signs of breaking down. But you were too deep in Shawn's thoughts that those signs were ignored by you.

A 10 minutes distance was still there to get covered when your car gradually halted and refused to move. "Wow what a beautiful day" you told yourself when you got out of your car and discovered that your it's tyre had somehow got punctured.

You yelled out of frustration because there were no petrol stations nearby and also the sun was about to set down which meant it was starting to get a bit colder than before. You searched for your jacket and remembered that you hanged it in Shawn's room behind his chair when you were waiting for him to get his work finished.

You decided that you won't let this day be your last so you debated on whether to call someone or not or seek some help from some passerby. You counted the later option out because then you could either be murdered or could possibly be dragged down a snake pit or the endless possibilities that could lead to your death just because of your little ego.

You decided to call Brian and let him know of your problem. Brian was like a brother to you. You two had so much fun together. Sometimes teasing each other and stuff. He was always supportive of you like a sister. So he was best option right then.

You called Brian and told him about your whole situation and he kind of freaked out a bit but was quick to help you.

"Okay. But stay where you are Y/N. Inside your car. Lock the doors from inside. I'm coming to get you okay? Be safe." Brian said in a concerned tone.

"Ahoy grandpa!" you slightly chuckled and hung up.

"Shut up dork" Brian told you and hung up. He turned around to get his car keys but was stopped by a tall figure. Shawn.

"Where are you going and what's up with Y/N?" Shawn asked bluntly.

Brian was still pissed at Shawn for how he treated you today. So, he avoided the question and took his car keys, ready to walk out but was again stopped by Shawn.

"I asked you something Brian. Tell me." Shawn said with a voice calmer than before.

"Do you really care about it Shawn? Because I don't think so. I thought you said some things about her? Did you forget those words?" Brian asked clearly pissed off from Shawn's attitude.

"Fuck! I know. I already feel shit about it. Could you not make me feel worse about it Brian and tell me what's up with Y/N?" Shawn sighed.

Brian debated on whether to tell Shawn or not because after all you were his girlfriend and he had every right to know that she was in trouble. He knew you were gonna hate him for sending Shawn for her help but he couldn't do anything.

"She called in to inform me that her tyre got punctured so she's stuck somewhere near Cindy's Ice cream parlor and needs help urgently."

Shawn eyes went wide and he started to panic.

"Jesus! Tell her I'm coming and to stay inside the car and lock the doors. Also tell her to put on a jacket or something as it's getting colder and she catches cold easily. I'll ve there as soon as I can. " Shawn said hurriedly and quickly ran upto his car in the parking lot.

"Oh baby! I'm sorry. I'm coming. Just keep her safe god." Shawn mumbled to himself in worry while opening the car door.

xx

"I swear to god I'm such a big idiot" you said rubbing your hands against your arms to keep yourself warm. You cursed at yourself for forgetting to bring your jacket with yourself.

You'd turned on the radio previously to keep yourself busy until Brian arrived but you quickly turned it off after two songs when they played Never Be Alone. You didn't want to hear Shawn's voice at all. So now you were just sitting there, trying to keep yourself warm and staring blankly outside the window.

You sneezed and muttered "God dammit Brian! Where are you?" you said annoyingly.

Suddenly you saw a car pull over in front of you and a tall figure appeared out of it. Assuming it to be Brian you sighed in relief. The tall figure approached you and you frowned because the closer the figure was approaching you , the lesser it looked like Brian and more of Shawn.

Your heart nearly stopped beating when you saw that it was Shawn. "Not now" you said to yourself as tears were threatening to spill from your eyes. You lowered your head so as Shawn could not see your miserable face.

Shawn reached your car panicking and lowered his built to look inside. He knocked on your window but you were too busy fighting back tears.

"Y/N? Baby? Are you okay? Are you cold? Please open the door, I'm here!" Shawn said worryingly.

You wanted to ignore him. You didn't want to even look at his face right now but there he was outside your car, knocking on your window and there was no way escaping this now. You wanted to punch Brian in the gut for sending Shawn at this moment.

You took a deep breath and decided you won't speak a word to him. Ignore his every question and just deal with him till you reach your home because you were planned it all about what you're gonna do once you get home.

You wiped your tears and lifted your face to look at him. His pretty face but eyes all swollen and red from crying. It was gonna take a lot more than courage to ignore him because you loved him so much. You hated that even when he broke your heart you were sitting there admiring his face. You wanted to touch his face and wanted to tell him it's okay. But you can't do that you told yourself.

You finally opened the car door and let yourself out of it.

Shawn took you in his arms so fast that you didn't even realise it. He ran his hands through your hair, feeling you and kissing your hair mumbling "Thank god baby! You're safe."

Tiny drops slipped out of your eyes. It was taking everything in you to not put your arms around him and tell him there was no need to worry but you resisted. This was too hard.

You pushed yourself out of his grip gradually and rubbed your face with your hands. You started walking towards Shawn's car in order to tell him to go home.

Shawn was taken aback. He looked at you walking towards his car. He was heartbroken and thought to himself now this is what it must've felt like when he pushed you off when you tried to hug him previously this day. He wiped the single tear that fell from his eye.

He jogged upto you but you were already sat inside his car and were about to close the car door when he stopped you. You looked upto him to see what he wanted. You saw him holding up his jacket for you so innocently. You really needed the jacket because it was too cold now.

He was leaning down to make you wear the jacket but you took it from his wore it yourself. Hurt evident in his body language. He stared at you and gulped whatever he was feeling. He went to the other side to sit in the driver seat and closed the door behind him.

Tension was evident in the air. You felt like you needed to get away from him right then and there but you needed to wait till you were home. This was harder than you imagined.

Shawn was looking at you with sad eyes. What did he do to you? You looked really miserable and upset and it was killing him. You were looking outside of the window when he took your hand and placed his lips upon your skin to make it warm. He used to do this whenever you felt cold. You felt a lump in your throat. He kept whispering sorrys against your skin but you didn't even look at him because you knew the moment you'll look into his eyes, you'll melt and it wouldn't even take a second for you to kiss him and make things alright. You wished it would've been this easier.

You coldly drew your hands from him and placed them inside the jacket you were wearing. Shawn didn't want to make you feel anymore comfortable so he took this as a sign of you wanting to get home sooner as possible.

The drive was silent but not awkward. This was one of those moments when you and Shawn wouldn't speak a word to each other and would rather hum along to the music happily playing except that now neither any music was playing nor you were happy.

The drive was of 20 minutes. 20 minutes of extreme silence, staring out of the window and sheer disappointment. No conversation was initiated from Shawn because he knew you needed time. But little did he know about the amount of time you needed to recover.

Shawn parked the car in your driveway and you both got out. You quickly went inside your house only to be greeted by Noah, your bestfriend standing there with a bag stuffed with your clothes.

Noah was your childhood bestfriend. You two went to the same school but seperated when you'd to go to University because you two had a two different passion to follow. But after you met Shawn and you both decided to live in together in Toronto, you were pumped up knowing you'd be living at a place only an hour away from your bestfriend.

So decided to Noah when you were waiting in your car for Brian. She picked up the phone and you greeted her with a hello. She was quick to sense that you were upset and asked you about what happened. You were hesitant to tell her but eventually gave in since she understood you a lot.

"See Y/N. I'm not trying to come in between you two and would hate myself if anything happens because of me but I would suggest you to come and stay at my house if you want. You know what I mean right? You'll have some time to yourself to clear your thoughts out and we'll figure out stuff if you'll want. It's all upto you sweetie."

You thought about it. Yes you needed some time. A short break from Shawn. You wanted to figure out the mess that had been there since the past months and wanted to make things better so you told her to pick you up from your house as soon as you arrive there and take the key which was underneath the pot and pack up most of your clothes because you didn't know how much of a long break were you going to need.

You heard Shawn walk upto your door and when he saw Noah holding a bag stuffed with your clothes, his eyes started brimming and he stood there with fear written all over his face.

"Y/N? I-Is this what I think it is?" Shawn stuttered.

You didn't say anything and looked to the floor. Tears were starting to escape your eyes and you felt so helpless.

Shawn came close to you and held your arms in order to make you look at him.

"Y/N? Baby?" His voice broke. "Please tell me this is not what I'm thinking it to be please say it?" He begged you to tell him this was unreal.

You slightly nodded and looked the other way with tears now streaming down your face. It was too hard. You can't even look at his poor face right now.

Shawn opened his mouth to speak but the words didn't seem to come out of his mouth somehow. This was all to much to take in. His throat went dry and he wasn't able to think straight.

You tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong.

"Y/N you can't do this. You can't leave me love. I need you. I fucking need you baby. I love you so much. I know what I said was pathetic and I don't even deserve a chance to explain myself for what I said because it was so bloody sick and pathetic. But I swear I love you. Give me a chance love. That's all I'm asking for please I'm gonna make it all better I prom-" Shawn cried but was interrupted.

"Promise? What promise Shawn? And a chance? A chance to remind me of how pathetic I am? Remind me of how sick and selfish I am? Remind me of how fucking pathetic and unsupportive I've been of despite putting your work and you above everything? Above every fucking person? I don't need you to remind me of that again Shawn! I know that!" You yelled.

"No no no-" hard sobs escaped Shawn's mouth.

"Shut it Shawn! Please stop. Say no more. Everything's a mess right now. Do you even have an idea of what I've been feeling like since the past months Shawn?" you said with a finger resting on his chest.

"Do you know what it feels like to have dinner alone even after you've a boyfriend who lives with you? Huh? What it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night? What it feels like to wake upto an empty bed even though you've your lover living with you? No Shawn you don't know that. Because I know what it feels like to be the one who is ignored by the other one who pretends that he's the only one living in this goddamn house. You don't even acknowledge my existence Shawn. Who are you?" you were now speaking with so much emotions that you weren't even sure whether you were angry or sad.

"I wouldn't hesitate to say I still love you Shawn after all the things you said to me and I hate myself for it." your voice cracked.

"How can you say such a thing when I was the one who was suffering from insecurities and anxiety about our relationship Shawn! I fake consoled myself everyday that No! You still love me and care about me but guess what? I was wrong. My whole days and nights revolve around you Shawn and you went ahead and called me selfish? Why Shawn why? You broke my heart in the blink of an eye Shawn. What did I even do to deserve this?" you whimpered.

Shawn fell to the ground on his knees in defeat. He didn't know what to say to you because every word that was coming out of your mouth was 100% true except the fact that Shawn didn't love you. Shawn loved you with everything he had and maybe he forgot to show it all. Shawn wrapped his arms around your leg and broke down in tears.

"I know baby I know. I know I've been the greatest dick to you. And I deserve every worst thing you've to say to me. I deserve it all. But Y/N please don't leave me. I will be lost without you. I might have forgot every way to tell you I love you but I swear to god I still do. I care about you. Just don't leave me. Let me make this all better. Let me put an end to all your miseries. I promise I wouldn't treat you like shit this time. I'm so afraid to lose you Y/N so fucking afraid!" Shawn cried.

"Shawn it's too late. I've already made up my mind. Don't make this harder than it is. Please let me go. I want to figure things out of this mess. You can take care of yourself for right now" you said crying and pulling yourself out of his grip around your legs.

"No baby I don't want to please just stay Y/N just stay" Shawn was really heartbroken at this point. His life was shattered right now because he didn't know whether Y/N even wanted to stay with him anymore, even in the future. She was his lifeline and the only thing that motivated him every morning even when he didn't show it.

You finally pulled out of his grip and placed a hand over your mouth to not let the scream out which was building within you. This was hurting way too much. You signalled Noah to follow you and just like that, you disappeared.

Shawn laid there on the ground with his broken and sore heart unable to process what just happened with him. You were gone. The light of his life was gone.

xx

Part 3? Also, what did you guys think of this? MASTERLIST

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes post #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fluff #shawn peter raul mendes #apologies 2 #shawn mendes angst

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

#myposts #depression #depressing thoughts #anxiety #ravings of a madman #wes #wesley #yeah this is about you sorry for being so shitty #really really hoping you're not going to read this #really hope you don't have notifications on or something #hope you just don't #at the very least #don't fucking say anything to my mom #k cool #I am trash #personal #personal thoughts #bye

[wumbo-boi-blog]

9/13/19

Hello World! It’s been a long ass time, and for that I’m sorry. I fell behind on writing for a few days and then I just kept getting busy so this got put on the back burner, but I’m back! Here’s a (somewhat) brief synopsis of every day since I wrote last...

8/30 - Went over to Parker’s house and drank for the first time! It was ok. His roommate got supper drunk which was amusing. I stayed the night. 

8/31 - There was a home game (1st one of the season) and Parker went to that while I went back to my dorm and listened to the game. I ended up feeling kinda sick and stuff, so I took a nap in the middle of the game lmao. Later Parker’s dad took us out to supper and I had a massive pretzel. Later that night I asked parker to go get me some allergy meds and some ice cream, which he kindly supplied. I then passed out for 12 hrs!

9/1 - Mostly just hung out in my dorm and did a little bit of homework. I called all of my parents and told them about my first week of classes. It was nice to tell them about it.

9/2 - It was labor day so I didn’t have anything to do, and my roommate was still out for the weekend. I did more drawing homework, cleaned up a lil, and went on a nice walk around campus with Parker. I read him some letters I had written for him and we talked a bit about marriage and shit. I gave him a gold turtle pin as a token of my love or whatever. We crossed paths with a fat raccoon and a kid showed us a  ~ magic trick ~ where he split a stick using his forehead. College is wack. All in all a good day. 

9/3,4,5 - I can’t remember much from these days. Mostly just doing class work and shit. I had planned to go home the coming weekend so I was trying to get as much done as possible before I went. I spent a shit ton of time in the studio on Wednesday night and had a great time with the buses (I did not have a great time). I hoped on a bus thinking that it would take me to one of two places close to my dorm, and I’d just get off at whichever stop came first. Neither of them did. I rode the whole route for like 30 min and got off one stop from where I had originally gotten on. I hadn’t eaten supper yet, and it was 9:50. The dining halls close at 10, and I was 10min away from my dorm. I managed to stop by a little shop and get a sandwich 5 min before they closed, and I angrily walked my way home. I sat in the common room, ate my sandwich, and then promptly returned to my room and fell asleep after a shitty 16hr day. Thursday I just spent more time in the studio getting shit done.

9/6 - I didn’t have class until noon so I spent my morning packing and getting laundry done before I went home for the weekend. I tried to get the washers to work but they wouldn’t take cash or debit, so I had to download an app, put a minimum of $10 worth of credits into it, and THEN I could start my laundry. I was going to eat breakfast while my clothes were being washed, but the dining hall closed right when I got there, and I almost had the gate shut on my head. Instead, I went to my room, read the book Parker let me borrow, and had some granola bars. When my laundry was done I went to put it in the dryers, only for the dryers to not fucking work. I drug my still wet clothes up 4 flights of stairs and got to let everything air dry in my room. I went to class, came back, folded as much as I could, ate some shitty dining hall food, folded the rest of my clothes, got my bags, found my car, and headed out. On my way back home I happened across a dinky little town called Stanhope that apparently has ‘watermelon days’ every year in July. I took a bit of a scenic route compared to the interstate and I greatly enjoyed my tiny bit of isolation. I made it home just before 4, talked to my dad for a bit, refueled my car, got groceries, and made it back in time for some pork burgers for supper! Afterwards Chance and I talked about movies and shit for a long as time before we finally picked out a movie for family movie night. We ended up watching Heathers, and after that we all went to bed.

9/7 - The next morning my dad got the whole house donuts, and he and I went to the farmers market to pick up eggs and banana bread. Upon returning home he gave me a whole bunch of art stuff for me to use, and I packed it all into a little leather messenger bag he gave me. So now I have an art bag! I worked briefly on some of my studio homework, and just hung out at home. I watched netflix briefly and cuddled with my cat for a bit, which was nice. A little before 4 my dad and stepmom left for a concert, leaving me alone in the house. At 4 I headed over to my mom’s and talked about college with my stepdad for a bit. Then my mom came down from taking a shower and we talked further about college stuff. After that we went to supper with my grandparent’s in a nearby town. When we returned home I got to pop open my senior yearbook that my mom had picked up for me. It mentioned some of my big accomplishments of the year, and it felt really nice to be recognized for the hard work I did. When I was done I headed to bed.

9/8 - On Sunday morning my family went to our town’s local flight breakfast at the little airport just outside of town. Idk what it is about mass produced pancakes on a supper old griddle, but they SLAP. I got to see some kids I graduated with and some coworkers too. After breakfast I made energy bites for a while, and around mid-afternoon we went to my grandparent’s house. My grandma had made me scotcharoos and rice krispie treats which was really sweet. We got to check out a room in the basement that my grandparents had redone, and it looks pretty good! We also got to look at some old pictures my grandma was going through. After that we all returned upstairs to watch NASCAR and talk about everything under the sun. When suppertime was rolling around, we returned home so my mom could get started on the spaghetti. After supper was done and stuff was being cleaned up, I packed my stuff up and got ready for the 2hr drive back. I listened to the Heathers musical soundtrack and now I can’t stop listening to it. Whoops. When I got back I started the 2 block ‘trek’ back to my room with 2 bags and a heavy laundry basket full of snacks because I ain’t no bitch who takes two trips. I should’ve taken two trips. I had to take a break 3 times before I got to my room. It’s important to note that while I was walking down the hall to my room a guy stopped me and told me to vote for him as treasurer and another guy for hall president (which I did). As I finally made it into my room and set down all of my shit, I realized I couldn’t really move my arms. I ended up asking Parker if he could come help me unpack, which he kindly did, and I repaid him with some energy bites. We sat and talked a little bit about our weekends and the coming weekend, and then we parted ways and went to bed.

9/9 - Waking up for class was a bitch but class was alright when I got there. I didn’t do much other than attempt to catch up on the homework I didn’t do over the weekend for my studio.

9/10 - Tuesday was pretty ehh. I wore a super cute outfit and got complimented on it by a lot of people which was really nice. I would’ve had a supper shitty day without it, and I truly appreciated it. I was freaking out a lil all day because I hadn’t completed a drawing yet that was due the next day, so I spent a few hours working on that. I went to my studio lecture and had a small panic attack and a bit of an identity crisis. I also thought heavily about if I’m actually capable, worthy, and skilled enough to be and do what I want to be. That was fun. I was finally able to calm myself down enough to go eat quick, finish up my drawings, and then go visit Parker. It was really nice to see him again and it really helped just being with him for a lil bit. I returned to my dorm, showered, and went to bed.

9/11 - It was pretty rainy and gross all day, but I luckily missed most of the rain and stuff. My studio took a bit of a toll on me mentally. I guess I hadn’t realized just how stressed I was and that I really wasn’t giving myself a break. For the past week I had been stuck on a ‘if I don’t stop working I’ll die’ kind of mindset. I broke down a little in class which was great. It doesn’t help that it’s my period week either. It was basically just my eyes constantly dripping tears and me being unable to stop it without going somewhere to cry for a bit (which wasn’t an option). This carried on until like the last 10 minutes of my next class (so 1.5 hrs of crying). After class I went to lunch, went back to my dorm to do homework, and went to the College of Design to work on a sketch for like an hour. I couldn’t focus so I said fuck it, went and got myself some half priced sushi from hyvee + some other little things, returned to my dorm, and watched Natural Born Killers. I honestly had a really nice night just sitting for a bit and relaxing briefly. When the movie was over I showered and went to bed.

9/12 - On Thursday I had a plan for the whole day + Friday. I was determined to get everything on my list started at the time I had listed, and finnish everything around the time I wanted to be done with it. I got up and got breakfast at 8:30, had class at 9, lunch at 11, did math homework at 11:30, went to class at noon, did more homework in the CoD, worked on a sketch there, went to my lecture at 3:20, and had a meeting at 4:30. My meeting got over at like 4:50, and I booked it back to my dorm as I could see a storm coming and I didn’t have a rain coat or umbrella. I made it back to my dorm shortly after it had started sprinkling, and had 2 min to spare before the heavens opened up and it POURED. I took a lil shower so I could keep on track with my schedule without getting off track.I went to supper at 6ish, left for the CoD at 6:30, and made it there a little before 7! I had snacks packed for when I would inevitably get hungry, and was fully prepared to finish my first sketchbook assignment. I left the CoD at like 9:30 and returned to my dorm at 10ish. I had another snack and started a book my dad had given me before I went to bed.

9/13 - Today I attempted to wake up at 6:30. This did not work, and so I slept in until 7. I didn’t have a class until noon, but I wanted to spend the morning in the studio. I went to breakfast with a former classmate, and then got to the CoD just after 8am. I spent from 8-12:20 working on sketches and taking little breaks every hour or so. I received an email at like 10am from my math prof. telling us class was canceled, which was fucking stellar. At around 12:50 I met up with my dad to go out and eat sushi. I had a pretty good time talking with him and the food was spectacular as always. After that we took a brief trip to the Earl May across the street before he dropped me off at my dorm. I had hoped to get back to work on studio stuff, but I decided not to since I had already done that all morning. I instead went to the Club Fest thing held in a building near me and I signed up to hear more about a bunch of clubs such as birding, film making, theatre, and even fencing! I’m excited to join a club and actually meet people. After that I went back to my dorm to grab some cash so I could then return to that same building and do a pottery painting workshop! It was Stranger Things themed, and I got to paint a mug with some cute lil shapes on it. I’ll have to wait until next week to see what the finished product looks like, but I’m excited. While I was painting I got to talk to a couple of girls next to me who seemed cool. We didn’t exchange info so I’ll probs sadly never see them again. Oh well. After painting I returned to my dorm again and read a couple books on the outside steps leading into the building. When I felt like I had had enough, I went to supper and had some cereal. I came back to my dorm and listened to music for a little bit and sang to myself and just did fun weird shit that I can’t do when someone else is here. I then showered, and started writing this big ass post! I’ve currently been writing for like 2 hrs, but It’s so worth it. It feels really nice to finally have this crossed off my to do list and to just write about stuff. I really do enjoy writing, and I think I’ve been needing this. I’m kinda figuring out how to balance work with play in a healthy way that works for me, and I think I’ve partially gotten the hang of it. I’m hoping to finish most, if not all of my homework sometime on Sunday so I can give myself time to relax tomorrow. I’m so ready to let loose a little and have some fun. I think everyone else is too lol. It’s like 11:52pm and it seems like everyone in my dorm is still up and doin shit. It’s fine with me though. I’m ready for a batshit crazy gameday. I’ll likely catch y’all up to speed on Sunday. Until then, Bye for now!