#have a lil morsel on this fine monday

[naralanis]

little bumps in the road (pt. 4)

Parts 1, 2, 3

they’re in kansas now, and for the first time since this madness began, lena is completely and utterly alone.

they’ve stopped at the dingiest motel lena has ever seen in her life--which, given the places they’ve frequented recently, is really saying something--the kind of place that is maybe definitely run by a serial killer or someone nearly equally unsavoury.

and lena? lena is not coping well.

“i’ll be gone twenty, thirty minutes, tops,” kara had said exactly twenty-four minutes ago. “keep the blinds shut, and don’t open the door no matter what--no matter what, lena.

and so lena has been sitting here, waiting, staring at the worn wood of a door that maybe had once been painted red, not moving a muscle. she’s sitting cross-legged on the miserably thin mattress and scratchy bedding, hugging a floppy threadbare pillow tightly to her chest because she’s afraid the panic will simply burst out of her if she doesn’t hold on to anything at all.

lena tries to calm herself, she does--has been trying for the past twenty-four minutes and thirty-nine seconds. she tries to distance herself from her thundering heartbeat and shallow breaths, tries to remove herself from her own fear. she closes her eyes, measures and calibrates the movement of her lungs, thinks of a metronome in her head to help her keep a smooth, steady rhythm that isn’t so frantic as it is now.

she focuses on the pilled, rough fabric of the pillowcase, lets her nails (she’d like to clip them, would like to stop digging crescents into her palms when she clenches her hands into fists with nervousness) drag across the fabric and catch onto the rough stitching of the seams, counts every little rip, every little torn seam.

then she focuses on the smells--there’s that odd, lingering odor of old plastic that comes from the phone and the tv; there’s the dust that irritates her nose a little, makes her eyes water some. and then there’s mothballs, which this room is sure to have an abundance of, which smell oddly comforting for some reason, like an old house with old cabinets.

she’s almost back in control, can feel her lungs expanding further now, with more ease, when the hum of the staticky television set--it was almost on mute, the volume is so low--breaks her concentration, shatters it like hot glass doused with ice.

“...and it’s... it hurts, really, that i was not able to see the madness; it pains me that my own sister was capable of such atrocity...

lena jumps, fumbles for the remote and raises the volume until it is deafening, so loud and deafening it’s like her brother is yelling at her--but he isn’t, he’s speaking calmly to some reporter, a grief-stricken expression plastered on his face, with tears--actual tears--pooling at his eyes.

“i blame myself,” lex’s voice booms from the old tinny speakers, distorted and haunted, rattling the glass from the windows as much as lena’s bones, echoing in lena’s brain like a well-crafted taunt.

“i should have seen it. i should have done something to stop her--i should have saved supergirl.”

lena wants to scream, but she can’t even breathe, she can’t do anything but tremble and she hates, hates the sound of his voice in her ears, hates, hates and hates herself for falling for his tricks over and over and over again.

“hey! turn it down, lena, are you crazy??”

kara materializes out of nowhere--lena didn’t even notice her stepping through the door. the blonde yanks the remote and shuts the tv off , and lena doesn’t register her worried gaze,  doesn’t feel the arms rubbing at her shoulders. she can’t hear the concern in kara’s voice as she repeatedly asks her what’s wrong.

“i can’t do this,” lena finally chokes, words caught in a sob--her shoulders are trembling, her throat is tight, and her eyes are burning with tears, and she can’t, can’t, can’t do this. “i can’t do it, kara, i just can’t.”

“what are you talking about?” kara asks, brow crinkled in that way that is so, so familiar, from a whole lifetime, a whole world ago and it only serves to untheter lena further, disconnects her from this reality, makes her want to wake up from this nightmare.

“i can’t do this with you. i’m” she’s gasping now, words stuck and hurt in her throat, hurting and breaking her from the inside out, but lena has to say it, has to speak it into truth. “kara, i’m crazy.”

kara shakes her head vigorously, but lena doesn’t let her speak.

“i’m-- i’m insane; i’m the luthor who tried--oh my god, i’m, i’m the luthor who did kill a super!”

“stop it,” kara hisses, and lena finally registers the force of the grip on her shoulders as the blonde practically shakes her. “stop that nonsense right now, lena -- you’re not crazy, i’m not dead, i’m right here--”

“but you were!” lena practically shrieks, because can’t kara see? “you were dead, kara, i killed you.”

kara’s hands tighten--lena will definitely have bruises on her arms later--but what stops her is the intensity of that blue gaze.

“lena,” kara says, biting out the words like they hurt. “this was all lex’s fault. don’t let him get in your head, not again.”

“he’s always in my head,” lena cries, because isn’t that the truth? ever since they were children? “he’s always--he’s always there, and he’s, he’s taunting me, kara! i didn’t see his madness before, and now in this world, i’m the crazy luthor who’s killed a super!”

“and yet, here I am,” kara points out, gently, but with a fear in her eyes she simply can’t conceal. “right here, in front of you, in a motel in Kansas, because we are running from your brother. because he is the crazy one. not you. we’re gonna take him down, you hear me?”

lena’s madness has gone into hysteria, that’s the only explanation for the incredulous laughter that bubbles out of her, choking out her sobs momentarily. “take him down? maybe you’re the crazy one. how the fuck are we going to take him down, kara? he’s the good luthor in this earth.”

kara’s brows furrow, but it’s a crinkle of determination, this time. lena is shocked to recognize it, shocked she understands the sheer force of will behind kara’s voice.

“together. we take him down together.”

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#nara's word vomit #supergirl #supercorp #lena luthor #kara danvers #fanfiction #femslash #a lil bit of angst mehbeh #have a lil morsel on this fine monday #BUCKLE UP KIDS #LBitR