#he knows he can manipulate me easily because he’s fucking smart and ive told him things I haven’t told other people

[loserhoneyy]

…

#I don’t love him and he clearly doesn’t love me #he’s using me I can tell #he knows he can manipulate me easily because he’s fucking smart and ive told him things I haven’t told other people #I need to get out of here #Fucking hell #Do I just go back or what #I mean the easiest option is to try kms again I don’t see any cons to that and I’m trying to get the thought out of my head because I’m #trying to be better but I can’t #Oh my God I can’t do this

[snarkwrites]

FFT: villainesses want heroes; ray palmer

Notes:

Okay look. It was fun to attempt writing a kind of morally gray / bad girl type. And it’s something I do wanna do again at some point.

Summary:

Ginger did all the wrong things for all the right reasons. And it nearly cost her family, a love and her actual life. Thanks to her sister Sara, she’s back on the Waverider and she’s recovering. When her memory returns, can she recover what she had with Ray? or is it too late?

Pairing:

Ray Palmer x Lance!OFC, Ginger

Warnings:

morally gray character, innuendo, mentions of temporary amnesia..

“You’ll do as I ask, Ginger.. Or your father and your sister Laurel? The real one? Well, they stay dead.”

The phone went dead and Ginger threw it, swearing as she practically paced a hole through the floor. From the doorway, her sister Sara spoke up.

“You’re the leak? You’re the reason Damien’s been a few steps ahead?”

That look of disappointment in her sister’s eyes had Ginger biting her lip and looking down, instantly ashamed of herself, despite Sara not really having any room to talk. “You don’t…”

“Don’t you dare tell me I won’t understand.” Sara was angry and hurt and stepping closer to the younger sister she thought she’d been bonding with.

Apparently, her baby sister was just using her as a means to an end. Sara stepped closer, glaring down at her and her sister swallowed hard, taking a few shaky breaths.

“Well? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself? I mean, color me curious. What’s so damn important that you’d throw all the good we’ve done.. That you’d throw your own sister.. Under the bus?”

“Damien promised me he’d bring back our dad and Laurel, okay? Look, you got years with them both. Mom, she… she whisked me away to Nebraska when I was still a baby. Do you think I liked growing up away from you guys? Do you think I wanted to deal with Mom always putting her teaching career over me and refusing to let me see our father or either of you?” Ginger snapped at her sister, pacing, winding her fingers through long blonde locks as she punched at the wall next to the door.

She was in over her head, she knew that now. Thing of it was, she was too little, too late. She clearly saw now that Damien had been using her from the start. Manipulating events that at any time could’ve gotten the team hurt or even killed. The only way out of the situation she’d gotten herself into was through it. And given the anger she saw in her sister’s eyes right now, asking for any kind of assistance to pull off what she had in mind was probably going to result in a brawl.

A throat cleared from the door and Ray stood there, staring at her in confusion. “You’re the leak? I thought..”

“Ray…”

Ray didn’t even bother sticking around, he turned and walked away, vanishing from Ginger’s sight and Ginger sank back into the chair, lightly beating her head against the back of it.

Yeah.. She was definitely going to have to go this one alone, it seemed. It’s what you deserve, Gin… her mind echoed as she stood and smoothed her shaking hands over the front of her favorite pair of jeans.

It dawned on her.. She had a particular advantage. Maybe if she acted quick.. She sprang up from the chair and made her way off the WaveRider….

And that was the absolute last thing she remembered, prior to waking up in the medic bay on the ship.

XXX

Everything fucking hurt. From the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes, there wasn’t a part of her that didn’t ache. The steady hum of the machines alerted her to the fact that something was.. Horribly wrong.

The platinum blond man stepped out, rubbed his hands together as he shook his head and chuckled. “I swear, I wish I knew what was so gosh darned enchanting about that idiot Palmer.. Not only did he manage to bewitch my own flesh and blood… But he got under the skin of one of my best assets.” the man tutted and shook his head, checking her vitals as he asked her calmly, “Do you still think shooting the serum directly into your neck was a good idea, Ginny? You’re such a smart girl, I’m almost disappointed to see you do something so foolish.”

“Look… I dunno who you are or what the fuck you’re talking about but… If you’re gonna kill me, make it quick, alright? It’s not like I got anything to live for.”

Damien eyed her, a brow raised at first. Then the look of confusion transformed into one of sheer joy. The memory erasing serum he’d been testing -and that she’d mistakenly grabbed when she was trying to steal the mock up of Mirakuru he had, it worked!

And it worked quite well.

Ginger felt that the guy was just dragging things out on purpose. She’d never really been a fan of someone who didn’t have the balls to get straight down to their intentions. Her mother always told her she got her mile wide stubborn streak and her strong sense of right and wrong from her father and that at times, it could be infuriating.

She managed to pry her wrists free and when the guy was puttering around his lab, she snuck up behind him, raising the only weapon she’d been able to find high above her head, every intention of braining him to death with it if it meant her making it out of this situation alive.

Her jaw dropped when he cleared his throat, lifted a finger and the object she held in her grasp fell to the floor with a noisy clank. He turned, staring her down. “If you’ll have a seat, I’m more than willing to explain everything… Including how you sought me out, desperate for dear old daddy to get one more chance at life… To have your whole family together again.. How you sold out your own sister for a chance to bring your dead one back.”

“You lying piece of shit!”

“Oh, but I’m telling the truth, darling.”

Ginger’s mouth opened and closed. While every fiber in her being wanted to believe the man was full of bullshit, there was this feeling deep down inside that insisted that no, he wasn’t.

And that thought blew her mind.

She went for the blunt object she’d been intending to use as a weapon again and Damien waved his hand, sending her crashing back into the room, a table toppling over on top of her. The table pinned her down, although by her own math, she should’ve easily been able to lift it.

The door burst open just as she started to black out all over again. She didn’t start coming to until she felt herself being scooped up.. The cologne.. Something about it was… familiar in a way.

She definitely knew whoever it was who was behind her rescue. She gripped hold of them, muttering the first name that came to her mind torn between consciousness and just giving in to the void again.

Ray sighed as he hurried down the hall, trying to locate Mick Rory to pass Ginger off for safety.

“Shh.. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m kinda like a cat. I tend to land on my…” she was starting to slip out again. Everything faded out and the next time she opened her eyes, she was somewhere entirely different. She almost wanted to say it was a hospital room… But something felt off about the whole thing.

The blonde woman who resembled her mother stepped towards her, a hand out and she tried to scoot as far away from her reach as possible. She was fighting against the drips and IV’s, hell bent on getting away and lucky she didn’t injure herself further. She stopped shy of ripping anything out because she’d always heard that doing that was never a good idea and she wasn’t keen on dying.

“Who the hell are all of you? Where the fuck am I?”

Sara caught her just as she managed to get a hand down to where her thick soled boots would’ve been normally and she spoke up. “Do you remember anything?”

“No… Wait… I remember a fight with a biker in an alley. Because he caught onto me hustling him in a game of pool..” Something about the memory didn’t feel right, but she wasn’t.. Sure about anything enough to know.

Sara glanced at Ray, tears stinging at her eyes. This was similar to the way her sister acted before they reconnected. Had her father lived -and been the one to raise Ginger, he would’ve definitely had his hands full, given some of their intel on her prior to choosing her to become a Legend.

Sara sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m Sara. Your sister.”

Ginger eyed her, wary. “I haven’t seen her since I was 4. How do I know you’re not lying? Mom told me Sara died…” Ginger trailed off, fidgeting.

“Mom believes that too. Nothin Dad tried tellin her would convince her otherwise.” Sara reached out and tilted her sister’s chin to make her meet her gaze. “Do you remember anything?” Sara tried again, hoping that maybe jogging her sister’s memory would free anything.

“Coming to Star City and visiting Dad’s grave..”

Ginger’s eyes settled on the lanky brunette male standing in the doorway and she nodded to him. “Getting shitfaced and waking up in a bed with that guy… Have you two… ya know? Because that tongue…” Ginger fanned herself, giving a giggle of delight at the way the guy blushed when every set of eyes in the room with him turned to fix on him at once. “In all seriousness.. He will totally rock your world.”

Ray’s face darkened and he cleared his throat.

Mick was quick to step between Ray and Sara, reminding her that the important thing here was to find out what Dahrk did to her kid sister while the guy had her. Ginger rubbed her head and grimaced as she felt dried blood and what felt to be a clumsy attempt at stitches.

“Well this is just peachy.” she mumbled as the others stepped out into the hallway. Sara immediately slapped Ray in the back of the head and Ray gave her a sheepish look.

“You… I can’t even right now.”

“Try being me.. She remembers our first night together.. But doesn’t remember anything else.. I get the feeling she might not take it well when she realizes just how serious we’d gotten before that night she left to go stupidly offer herself up to Damien.” Ray shook his head, swinging at a wall. “I still can’t believe she fucking did it.”

“She thought if she went and stole the device and serum herself, she’d be giving us an edge. She had all the passcodes to his compound, Ray. She’s never been afraid of anything. We both know this. Did you really think she’d sit back and just.. Let things go?”

“I wish she had.” Ray grumbled, taking a few deep breaths, staring intently into the room Ginger was currently recovering in. He’d spent months thinking he lost her too, that she’d died when they faced off against Damien a third or fourth time. And then they started to hear rumors about some badass new assassin. Apparently, she’d gotten on Damien’s bad side somehow, because the next thing they knew, Gideon was picking up a ping on Ginger.

Given that Sara had way more than enough time to calm down, to figure out the motive behind Ginger playing double agent, - a talk with her mother helped, and that in the months following Sara cooling down, she had ample amounts of time to settle into a pattern of blaming herself for her baby sister possibly dying, them going to try and rescue her and face Damien one final time was inevitable.

Ray hadn’t worried about anything beyond getting Ginger the fuck out of the compound. In fact, he’d kind of stepped up and really taken on leadership of the whole attempt.

Sara hadn’t been in the mindset to think clearly. To be honest, he hadn’t either, but he knew he wasn’t going to lose another woman he loved.

His hand rested against the glass as he watched Ginger like a hawk through the window. He couldn’t stay away, so while the others were talking, he made his way in quietly. Ginger’s eyes lit up at seeing him and she teased quietly, “Come to give me sweet dreams again, Dr. Feelgood?”

Ray stared at his hands. There was so much he wanted to say to her. Things he needed to say. But it all got trumped by the fact that he was just glad she was there and alive and able to say things to drive him crazy and make him blush.

“How’d you know?”

“Know what?” Ginger asked, moving to sit up, sort of snuggling against his side and leaning her head against his shoulder.

“I’m technically a doctor.. And that’s what you called me….”

“After that night when I woke up in your penthouse. I remember that much.” Ginger nodded, giving a frustrated sigh. The light bounced off of something on a chain around her neck, and curious, Ginger pulled the chain out of it’s hiding place beneath her favorite tee shirt. As soon as she saw the dog tags and read the name on them… And the simple engagement ring that was also on the chain, everything rushed back to her at once and she sighed, going quiet.

“Oh.”

Ray eyed her, eyed the necklace he knew she never took off. He swallowed hard at the sight of the engagement ring he’d gotten her as a ‘joke’ when they were stranded in 1975 together on her first mission with the team.

“You were more than just a one night stand to me and true to form, I completely fucked that up.. My sister, she… Why would any of you even bother coming for me after what I did?”

“Maybe sometimes, princess.. Maybe sometimes the good guys fall for the bad girls. Did you really think I was going to just leave you there?”

“Ray, I would’ve left me there, okay? I can’t believe I was so fuckin stupid. Damien was never gonna bring either of them back.. And I betrayed the only sister I have left.. And you, I-…” she trailed off, looking down at her lap. She was about to do something she hated doing and tried to av oid at all costs.

Something she hadn’t done since the night she came to Star City and spent an entire night sitting at her father’s graveside doing it. The fat tear made it’s trek down her face just as Ray tilted her chin to make her look at him.

“I get it. I didn’t at first. I wanted to hate you. I really wanted to hate myself… Especially after we thought.. Ginger, you’ve been gone almost a year now. We thought you died… I spent almost a year thinking that you died. Knowing I could’ve stopped you from leaving that night, but I was too disgusted by what you were doing to bother.”

He leaned in, cradling her cheek against his hand, wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “Everything is going to be okay. You’re back and I’m not… Nothing like that is ever going to happen to us again.”

Ginger swallowed hard. “It’s not too late?”

“When you really love someone, Ginger, it’s never too late to try and fix things. If that’s what you want.”

Ginger glanced down at the dog tags and the ring he’d given her in joking. She slipped the necklace from it’s place around her neck, unfastening it. Ray raised a brow, biting his lip as she slipped the ring off the ball chain and onto her finger.

“Does that answer your question, Dr. Palmer?”

He pulled her onto his lap and as they started to kiss, throats cleared from the doorway.

“For fucks sake, you two! Jesus, get a room.” Sara turned until they’d both finally caught on to not being in the room alone and could be bothered to pry themselves apart in the sense of public decency.

“You both done now?”

“Actually, as soon as I can get these stupid fucking drips out of me…”

“Don’t… Don’t you dare finish that, Ginger Louise Lance.” Sara groaned, laughing as she moved closer, making an attempt to hug her sister.

#ray palmer fanfiction #ray palmer fanfic #ray palmer fic #ray palmer oneshot #ray palmer imagine #// I do lowkey wanna go there with this and do a bit more digging but idk idk.. #// maybe at some point.

[feel199x]

gang member!au, gang member! han jisung, florist! reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

song rec: dayfly by dean & half moon

warnings: angst, gun mention

”Miinho,” Jisung swung his legs off the bed, ignoring the shooting pain he felt, “What’s going on?”

“Someone’s coming, that dickhead from N/S.”

“How? He never did before.”

“I don’t know!”

“Then how do you know?”

“___ called.”

“What? Are they okay? I miss ___ so much, Minho please-”

“We don’t have time!”

Minho had no idea what state you were in, and if you were dead- how was he supposed to explain that to Jisung? That you had traded your life for theirs? Minho didn’t even understand, and he doubted that Jisung would either. Maybe it was wrong, but telling him wouldn’t be right either. God, how could he? When Minho heard him talking in his sleep, talking about you, dreaming about you, how could he? At least not now, he knew how Jisung was- emotional and impulsive. Everyone was down in their backup hideout, Chan and Woojin being smart enough to at least suspect that their location would be compromised. They had nearly forgotten about him and his condition after hearing the voicemail you had left. Minho was glad he had taken Jisung’s phone, and even more content that he was nosy. If he hadn’t checked the voicemail, who knows how this situation would end.

“Can you walk?”

“Yes.”

Minho watched as Jisung stumbled, hands gripping the nightstand. Minho pulled Jisung, and leaned, helping Jisung get on his back. It wasn’t the most graceful, but it worked.

“Fucking liar. Do you think now is the time to be macho?”

The cellar was deep underground, damp and dark- rotten. The wood of the stairs was wet, splinters sticking out like split-ends. Deep under the earth, hidden from all good and bad to sit in true neutrality. It smelled like wet earth too, but not the fresh smell- the kind where you knew there was something rotting underneath. It was under the house still, but a lot harder to find than one would expect. There was an unspoken hatred for the fact that they were all there, the mess they had found themselves into you and the heat of hatred was rising, boiling over.

“You could have gotten killed. You need to be smarter.”

Chan had his arms crossed, tapping his foot like a mother whose child was late for curfew

“He’s here, isn't he?”

“That’s not the problem, Minho- You had one job. You know they’re here for Jisung.”

Felix spoke up from the back of the room, a scowl on his face. It wasn’t personal Minho knew, but he still thickened the tension in the room.

“Shove that self-righteousness up your ass, Felix. Do you know how much he weighs?”

“Oh, suck-”

“Both of you shut the fuck up!”

Chan pushed both of the boys away from one another, knowing there was no way this could end well. The boys glared at one another, but backed off- it wasn’t worth it.

“I have an idea.”

“Finally putting those two brain cells to work, huh?”

 The nine of them had never fought before, all these years together had run rather smoothly- some petty quarrels here and there, but never anything serious. But then again, they had never been in a situation like this before, and it was pushing their unity and friendship to the limits. They had to snap from frustration at some point.

“The fuck is your problem?”

“Everyone told you to be careful! Literally what kind of shit luck do we have that you had to fall in love with a gang member’s manic pixie dream girl?”

“His what?”

“His wet dream, you dumbass!”

“Are you seriously trying to blame me for this? Instead of, I don’t know, feeling bad for ____ since the guy is fucking nuts?”

Changbin wasn’t one to get particularly vocal about his anger, he had a temper- everyone knew, but for him to snap at a friend? That was something else. Whenever Changbin got angry, he would always opt to isolate until he cooled down- never, never had he snapped at any of them. Changbin was soft, and never wanted to hurt anyone, even if he did get angry fairly easily. But for both Jisung and Changbin to be at each other’s necks? Never.

“You should’ve left. It’s always been nine or none.”

“We are all they had!”

 Changbin’s face softened at the realization and took a deep breath. Jisung was right, this wasn’t your fault- and there was no one to blame except the kingpin of N/S. It was an unfortunate situation they found themselves, one consequence piling on top of each other like dominoes until they piled up into the mess they currently found themselves in.

“I’m sorry. You’re right.”

“We’re all just stressed, Jisung.”

Chan would’ve cut in earlier, but if Changbin had something to say- then he would let them vent. Changbin would never get physical, he knew. But if he had, then they had all already lost. There would be no way that any of them could cooperate if they would get physical over a slip of words.

“I don’t care, none of this is their fault. I don’t want to hear one word of blame- none of you know what they’ve been through.”

The room was beginning to become hot, but the tension in the air was fading as everyone let go of irrational anger.

“What was your idea?”

“My idea? Made with my two humble brain cells?”

Jisung lightened the mood, and everyone began to close in together- wanting to listen to Jisung’s plan. Things weren’t normal, far from it in fact, but at least they were all together. At least they had each other, at least they had unity. That was something that no music producer, no fight, no gang leader could take away. That’s what love was for them, unity against all storms, like roots of a tree- strong winds only made them stronger.

“We need something, anything.”

They pulled at their shirts, both unaware and pained by the room’s growing heat. They didn’t realize it yet.

“Why don’t we just kidnap the guy?”

“That would make us just as bad as him, Jisung we-”

“I think it’s a good idea.”

Woojin always agreed with Chan, they shared opinions on most things- and it made for a good co-leadership. They worked well together, but most importantly, Woojin was never one for violence. Chan turned to Woojin in surprise, shooting him a questioning look and scanning the room for their response.

“We don’t have to hurt him-”

“Just use him.”

“Fuck, it’s hot.” Changbin pulled at his black t-shirt as it stuck to his skin with sweat.

“Wow, she’s-” Changbin shot Hyunjin a warning look and Hyunjn quieted, an amused look on his face despite the situation.

“Shut the fuck up, we need to get out.”

“You think he’s gone?”

“Look.”

“Oh shit. Shit!”

 It was less than image and more of a smell, black smoke found it’s way from the cracks of the door, rising up and smogging up the air. The bar was hot as Chan forced it open, a sting lingering on his hand. The boys filed outside, stopping to look at the small house beginning to envelop itself in flames. The ancient wood was burning easily and quickly turning black as the fire reaching higher and higher, the crisp air fueling it. Jisung was clenching his jaw, eyebrows furrowed in anger and distaste. When did things go so wrong? He knew the flower-shop break in was the turning point, but how did he let it get like this? He wanted to cry, out of anger or sadness he didn’t know. Was it guilt or was it blame, did he wasn to carry a burden or point a finger? How could he know? All he wanted was to get back to you.

“Hyunjin, go with Felix and find the guys.” Chan wasn’t happy about sending them off to search, but it would be less likely that they would feel threatened if they thought only two boys were at home. “Alone, are fucking crazy?”

“You both have guns.” It was risky, Chan knew, but as much as he hated it- a risk had to be taken. They couldn’t all go guns blazing for a threat that they weren’t sure they still had to make a decision, and fast.

“You don’t actually-”

“No.”

“It would be self-defense anyway.”

Minho wasn’t trying to be rude, but realistic- comforting in a weird way. He knew that the situation that they found themselves in, and he wasn’t trying to make it any words by getting in a petty brawl.

“Oh fuck off with the cynical bull-shit.”

Minho turned to Felix slightly surprised.

“Oh, I’m surprised you know that word! Good for you.”

“Can you guys shut the fuck up? The house is fucking burning.” Seungmin cut in distractedly, watching the house burn from the top down. Thank god for the voicemail. Everyone waited anxiously for the duo to return. Jeongin turned around the corner to see that there was only singular car there. The N/S kingpin clearly didn’t think it through, he had underestimated them before- how could he make the same mistake again? Jeongin called the rest of the boys over as he saw Felix and Hyunjin return with a trio of guys.

“We found them.”

“Chan, what do we do?”

The trio of guys kneeled down in front of Chan. Any worry that showed on Chan’s face slipped away as he gave a firm punch to the middle man’s face. Like Woojin, Chan wasn’t one for violence. But unlike Woojin, Chan was good at it.

“Are you going to tell us where your boss lives?”

It was a gruesome scene to see Chan twist the man’s broken nose as he muttered out a weak “Yes!” Chan let go, hand splattered with blood.

“Great, I’d really hate to hurt anyone anyway. I promise to not let the cops know.”

“We’re going to call the cops?”

“Is that a good idea?”

Chan turned to the boys, having enough of their petty quarreling and questioning, and if Chan lost it- it wasn’t going to be pretty for anyone.

“Who’s gonna tell them what we did? Not these guys, they’re ratting out a kingpin to save themselves.”

“Is that such a good idea though?”

Everyone watched as Seungmin pressed Chan’s buttons, and Changbin added: “Maybe it’s time we’ve paid for our sins.” It was an unspoken feeling in the group, a sense of guilt and manipulation that resided in them ever since they had started selling. They owed a lot of their success to the drugs they sold, and it seemed like they were less of artists because of it. “None of us are innocent.” Felix only muttered, but it was true to them. “I never wanted this-” Chan was beginning to break, his voice wavering and they stopped. They lead the trio of men back to the car, and quietly listened to their instructions. Driving away from the house going up in flames.

 “We could leave this life behind, we have the funds, the fans-” It was sort of plea, a wish rather than a fact that came from Hyunjin’s mouth, and Jeongin finished his wishful thinking, becoming an escapist himself. “It could be over. It could finally all be over.”

The car ride was quiet. Everyone anxious about your state of being, they opted against calling the number back- it wasn’t safe after all. But there was no way to know how you were, and what he could’ve done.  

“We’ve been in this car for too fucking long.”

“Are you complaining?”

“What? No! I’m not an asshole. I’m just saying it’s been a while.”

“He really went out of his way, huh?”

The car ride hadn’t been long, but long enough for Felix to get restless- he was just the most vocal about his discomfort. It was his way of making things seem more normal than they were, sugarcoating their bitter reality. And most of them were thankful, but as the GPS announced their distance shortening, Chan grew worried about Jisung. “Jisung?” He was staring out the window, his anger towards the kingpin simmering.“What?” His voice came out harsher than he expected, voice strained with anger- he had practically hissed at Chan. “You should stay calm. We don’t know what state they’ll be in…” Woojin nodded, prompting to add: “Or what he’s done-”

“We don’t know what he’s told them either.” Chan finished.

“I’m fine.”

“Okay, sure, but I’m just saying. Stay in control.”

“I said I’m fine. I know you guys mean well, but I’m good.”

The little flag appeared on the GPS’s screen and the robotic voice announced that they had arrived at their destination it was suddenly becoming real, too real. They were in the middle of nowhere, but the house was prestigious. It was big, too big. It was a complete juxtaposition to the surrounding greenery. It looked out of place. “We’re here, I think. We are here, right?” Chan parked the car and turned to face the men, and they nodded, the man in the middle covered his face. “I want to go in alone,” Jisung announced as he opened the door, nervously looking at the large house.  “Fuck no.” Minho threw open the door from his side of the car.  “Someone has to stay.”

“We can just lock the car. We already took their guns.”

“Oh.”

Chan locked the car they were all crammed in, and left the trio of men inside. The door took some time to open without force. But with a little coaxing, the door finally opened. Without a word, they took their guns out of the waistband of the pants or short. They split up, a group of three going in each direction of the large house. Jisung, Chan, and Woojin made their way up the stairs- finding blood spots going up the stairs, some of it pooling in some places. Jisung’s heart was in his throat, he thought he was going to throw up. He almost stumbled into the living room, and Chan pulled him back by the collar of his shirt behind the wall.

“You’re a little brat aren’t you? A little piece of shit. You ruin everything. I will burn this house down before I let you go.” You were on your knees before him, whimpering and shaking, crying as he dragged a pocket knife across your collarbone. You were already bleeding from the back of your head, streaming down your back again. You were getting dizzy from the blood loss, your vision fading. Jisung was wide awake adrenaline spilling into his veins. It wasn’t right seeing you like this. This is what you must’ve felt when you wanted to go back to your flower shop, knowing you could be risking your life, risking everything. It was something deep and primal, almost animalistic inside of him. He could feel himself choking back tears, a lump caught in his throat.

“Jisung, you have to wait.”

“Wait for him to fucking kill them?”

“We have to wait until he’s away from ___. Otherwise, he might, panic and actually kill them.”

Jiusng watched from behind the wall, hands in fists, fingers traveling to reach for his handgun. Maybe Chan had a point, they had to be calculating and rational.

“You’re going to have to make it up to me, and you know how don’t you? Be a good girl.” He dragged the knife up your neck and to the point of your chin.

“Oh, fuck this.”

Jisung pulled out his handgun from the waistband of his sweatpants. It replayed in his head, the night you got taken away. How helpless, how useless he felt as you were dragged out of the store. You could feel a shooting pain up his leg like high voltage electricity, but he walked still, doing his best to make his way towards you. Jisung heard Chan curse under his breath and pull his gun out too, his waistband snapping as he pulled it out harshly.

“The fuck are you doing?”

“Oh shit. Shit. Don’t fucking move. I swear to fuck I’ll kill them right here.” He pulled you by the hair, holding you head up by it as you toppled over, too weak to keep yourself up. Out of your spotty vision, you made out a figure as familiar as your flowers.

“Jisung...please.”

He could hear the pain in your voice, and it made him angrier. The gun pointing directly towards your captor’s head. “You’re outnumbered. You don’t actually think there’s a scenario where you win right?” Chan spoke out loudly, hands on his own gun.

“I don’t have to. I’ll take them down with me.”

“Chan, the police.” Woojin whispered as soon as he heard the faint sirens and the rest of the boys piled in. Realizing that there was no way to get out of this alive, he let the knife slip across your throat before plunging it into his stomach. There was barely anytime for anyone to react. You and the kingpin collapsed to the floor as he let go of you hair. You heard the gun clatter, Jisung holding your to torso, covering your neck as it sputtered blood.

“Oh fuck, fuck! Get a towel or something, please. Oh god, ____, c’mon stay with me. Please. Just to the hospital, you can make it until then, please.”

“You know….what flowers to put on... my grave, right, ‘sungie? It might... be selfish to say this... now but, I love you. I’m in... love with you... Han Jisung.”

The blood on his hands was warm, he was covered in a mess of it. It was all over the marble floor now, a maroon pool flooding the floor. Jisung wasn’t in control, he never had control over anything. It seemed so futile, like everything he had done in vain. Chan brought towels to cover the wound and clean up the floor, but the towels became tinted and heavier. Chan was desperately ripping fabric to try to stop the bleeding and Minho flew down the stairs to call the medics in. Woojin’s attention was on your captor, holding him back as he watched you. He was bleeding too, but not nearly at a fast of rate as you. Jeongin had your head in his lap, stroking your hair. He and Seungmin began singing you a song.

“You’re not gonna die. Oh fuck, fuck! Chan! You’re not- shut up, Jeongin!  You can’t- your flowers come on, please. Just a few more minutes. I can hear the sirens- you can do it, oh fuck! There’s so much blood, Chan, what do we do? There has to be something, you can’t just- I love you so much. You’re so cold- why are you so cold? Please, it’s selfish, but just hold on. Chan, there’s so much blood- make it stop, oh god, fuck make it stop, please.”

You were the bird from the playground, plummeting towards the earth and there was nothing he could do. He tightened his fingers around yours, as cold as they were, trying to bring some heat to your body. He ignored the blood staining his shirt, and the medics pulled him away from you, prying his fingers off. The police came in and pulled your ex away, even as he screamed and thrashed, trying to make his way towards you. Jisung followed you down.

“Please, please, help- you have to, they’re so good- please, promise?”

Pinky promise? It echoed in his head.

They wouldn’t, they couldn’t.

a/n: haha gotcha there’s one chapter left (im sorry please dont be mad)

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids imagines #stray kids han #skz imagines #skz fic #skz han jisung #skz fluff #skz angst #stray kids han jisung #han jisung #han jisung fanfic #han jisung imagine #han jisung imagines

[robronsecretsanta]

Fanfic: the past is the past and it’s here to stay

(canon compliant until present, and then it’s all my doing. 10k. tw: discussions of memory loss.)

In which the year 2020 rolls around, and new technology allows Robert to enter his own memories and see his mum again.

Or- the one where Aaron has to save Robert from his dumbass ending up in a Black Mirror episode.

Written for @robronsecretsanta 2017, to the wonderful @iwillsendapostcard who makes this fandom a better place every day, and someone I’m so lucky to call a friend. I hope you have a wonderful day lovely xxxxxxx

It all started in the most inappropriate place. Something that ends up changing your life shouldn’t have started in a stuffy portacabin, with someone like Jimmy bringing it into existence.

“What do you fancy for tea, then?” Aaron said, sitting himself down on Robert’s desk and putting his hand on Robert’s thigh to alert him. “Could make one of them M&S Christmas thingys Liv picked up.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, smiling easily, the way that he always did these days, nearly three years of marriage making them good with each other, good for each other. “We could- oi, Jimmy, could you turn that down maybe? Not everyone’s as deaf as ya.” Jimmy’s recent foray into the world of video news on his iPhone had been personally occurring just to fuck over Robert’s life, he imagined. Especially since Jimmy apparently hadn’t heard of the existence of headphones.

“Oi,” Gerry opened the door to the portacabin, sticking his head in, cheeks red from the cold, pointing in the direction of Aaron. “Get back out here will ya? As big as me muscles are I don’t reckon I can lift this car all on me lonesome.” Aaron rolled his eyes and gave robert a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. Robert felt warmth spread to his chest, the way he couldn’t ever stop it from doing these days, every time he saw how easily Aaron would show him affection even front of idiots like Jimmy King.

“Look at this though, seriously,” Jimmy bounded over to him, shoving his phone in his face. “Mind- oh hang on, gotta go back to the beginning-“

“Get that out of my face, Jimmy,” Robert said rolling his eyes, but before he could properly shove Jimmy off the video began, and Robert was staring at a well-dressed newswoman on the BBC, holding a microphone and standing in front of an incredibly and strikingly white building.

“The so-called MemoryTech has already been implemented in police stations in the capital, and is soon to be rolled out throughout the country. However it’s here, in Leeds, where the first private use is taking on experimental trials for private use. Dr Emily Park, a psychiatrist, had this to say.” The camera cut to a well-dressed woman, standing in front of a large, corporate-looking building.

“The way we saw it was that there was an easy and clear parallel to accessing memories for the purposes of eyewitness statements to helping our patients with grief. In a controlled environment, we have been able to allow adults who lost their parents while they were very young to access memories of them, to young widows and mothers- it isn’t a solution, but it has been shown to have very beneficial effects for allowing the patients to move on in a constructive way. Think about the ability to say the thing you never got to. This is that chance.”

“Of course, it’s worth noting the high price tag- nearly 30 thousand pounds for a 30 minute session- although of course the time manipulations could make it seem as if months are passing-“

“2020, year of the future, eh?” Jimmy grabbed the phone from where it had been in front of Robert’s face. “Not for me, getting involved with that tech stuff.”

“Well, of course, probably nothing you’d want to relive anyway, eh Jimmy?” Robert said, flicking through some papers.

“Some nights with Nicola,” Jimmy said, ambling back to his desk. “I wouldn’t mind havin a’ peek at those an all. Probably the same for you and your Aaron,”

Robert was preparing a witty response in his head, trying to decide which best avenue would be the most suited for reminding Jimmy that there was nothing he wanted less to hear about than Jimmy and Nicola’s disgusting and prolific sex life- when he was stopped by an incoming text message from Victoria.

‘Thinking of mum today- Diane found this photo of you and her. xxxx’

Attached was a photo of Robert from when he had probably been about 4. They were standing in front of an ice rink, Sarah holding him up with a huge smile on her face. A big red scarf wrapped around her neck that 4 year old Robert was grabbing with one of his hands. Robert felt the usual rush of warmth he did whenever he saw a photo of her, as he desperately tried to recall any memory of that day.

There wasn’t any.

He excused himself, typed in some search terms into his phone’s browser, before clicking the number and calling the company in Leeds.

—-

“I just don’t-“ Aaron rubbed his hands over his eyes, later that day. Robert had burst in, talking to him quickly as he threw his stuff together, about Sarah, and an institute, and a quick last minute cancellation appointment. “It’s a bit weird, y’know? I mean, how do they access the memories?”

“It’s just a small procedure, it’s like- a smart phone, but a small one, like a chip, right?” Robert said, taking his phone back from Aaron. “or smart technology, and then they surgically implant it and it’s able to travel to your head, and then it’s able to access the memories from there, and-“

“They can just fuck with your head, yeah,” Aaron said, folding his arms. Years of marriage had made them both realise when something was going to be A Fight, their stupid dedication to open and honest communication making their big fights much less frequent but still easy to demarcate. “Which you decided to tell me about an hour before you’re heading off to Leeds for it? And 30 grand for 30 minutes?”

“It’s not like we can’t afford it,” Robert got up and continued his haphazard search for his scarf, “Look, I- I would’ve told you earlier, okay, but I only found out about it this morning- well, you heard Jimmy same time I did- and I didn’t think they could fit me in for months because of the waiting times but there was a cancellation and-“

“On the kitchen table with your keys.”

“Cheers,” Robert moved over and picked it up and started shoving on his coat. Aaron felt himself get lost in it, the way he still did after all this time- the long black winter Burberry coat suiting him so well that it made Aaron’s heart ache to think that he was leaving, even for a few hours. The way he always did, these days. “I have to go to the bank first, I need to leave here soon if I’m gonna make it to Leeds with enough time, especially if there’s traffic-“

“Rob I just- hang on a minute,” and with one move Aaron’s hands were on Rob’s shoulders, stopping him from moving back towards the sitting room. “Can we just talk about this a little more, I mean, we don’t know anything about this stuff, really-“

“I know it’s a chance to see my mum again, Aaron,” Robert said, fixing his eyes on him. “Don’t you get that? If I don’t go today, it could be years. The waiting list is that long. Wouldn’t ya pay anything to see Jackson again-“

“Don’t mention him like that,” Aaron said, hurt coming to his face, and there it was- an absolute fight. “And, y’know what? No, I wouldn’t. Because some things are better left in the past, they aren’t worth-“

“If it’s the money, I can pull out from one of my old investments-“

“You know it’s not the money, I don’t care bout the money, I care about you and I’m worried about ya, we should talk about this-“

“It’s my mum,” Robert finally said raising his voice, something he hated doing. “Do you get that, Aaron? I don’t remember something that happened when we were young and soon I won’t remember anything- she’ll keep- she’ll keep fading, the one person who loved me unconditionally until you, the one person-“

“Robert, please can we just-“

“I have to go,” Robert threw his bag over his shoulder and walked towards the door of the Mill. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

—

“Mr Sugden?” Robert looked up to see a well-dressed woman in a cream coloured suit smiling at him and quickly stood up, putting his phone in his pocket. “My name is Dr Morgan Rodgers- call me Morgan- I’ll be taking you through the procedure.”

“Hiya,” he responded, shaking her hand.

“If you just follow me, please,” she motioned towards him to follow her through a long white, long corridor. After about a minute, he watched her enter in a key code and open two large doors bearing the warning DO NOT ENTER UNLESS ACCESS IS GRANTED.

“This is where you’ll be set up,” she said, and Robert took a moment to be truly and utterly shocked at what he was seeing- a spacious room with a gorgeous view of the countryside, a leather reclinable-looking practically identical to the one in Robert and Aaron’s own living room. The only thing abnormal was the presence of two, well-dressed men wearing suits, standing conspicuously over a third man, much younger and dressed casually. He was sitting in a chair surrounded by three large, sleek computer desktops and what appeared to be a heart rate monitor.

“You can have a seat over here,” Morgan pointed towards the leather chair. Robert obliged, eyeing the- tech guy? In front of him pointedly. “Oh, right. This is- Dr Murphy. He runs through the technology at first, to make sure it’s all sound.” She looked at all of them pointedly. “I think that’s enough, thanks,” she motioned until all three were filing out of the room. “Shall we begin?” She sat Robert down.

“We can just, do it here?”

“Modern medicine, eh?” She said with a smile. “No operating table. Try to lean back, be as relaxed as you can. This will only take a minute.” She unrolled his sleeve and pushed it up, beginning the process of hooking him up to an IV. Robert closed his eyes.

He awoke to a room that was completely empty. Calling it a ‘room’ seemed incorrect as well- vast, empty space, no walls, just a monitor in the centre. Robert was entirely himself- nothing hooked up to him- and was still wearing the blue patterned shirt and jacket that he had been wearing when he had been sedated. He fiddled with his wedding ring, feeling it ground him as a wave of anxiety threatened to pull him under.

“And we are… all set up,” Morgan said. “You have paid for one memory, which you can choose here-“ she pressed a few buttons and suddenly there were memories filling the void, silent videos running side by side. He saw flashes of his mum, Jack, Andy, Victoria- and then more recent ones. He felt himself focus in on one of Aaron smiling, smiling into a kiss with him on their wedding. “If you like more, you can always press this button,” she gestured to a bright yellow pound sign at the corner of the screen, “and top up. Just a signature, same rates of payment.”

“Do you- lead me through it?” Robert asked. Coming closer to stare more properly at the memories.

“No, we don’t feel that’s appropriate for privacy reasons,” Morgan said. “These are your memories. Now,” she smiled at him warmly. “Where would you like to begin?”

—

Robert’s phone went straight to voicemail.

It had been two hours, and Aaron had cooled off. He had timed how long it would take Robert to get to Leeds, be there for an hour and get home, and then factored in time for him to go have a drink and be upset, before starting to worry.

Robert didn’t switch off his phone.

—

He’d picked the ice skating, of course. Morgan had disappeared as soon as he had selected it, so it was just him- the whiteness of the void instantly changing to his childhood kitchen. He saw himself- 4 years old- sitting at the breakfast table with Sarah. He was talking to her about something, babbling in the way that little kids do, but in a way that Robert had never remembered doing.

And it was her, her alive, no sign of Jack, probably out early, and she was alive, and okay, and Robert felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Mum?” he said tepidly, looking for a reaction. “Mum?” He went closer to the table and began to get louder. “Mum, it’s Robert, look at me-” (’non-interference,’ he remembered the administrative assistant saying on the phone. ‘No way of talking to them. Just watching. Think of it as a baby monitor.”)

“No,” he said. “No, no no, I don’t want to do this, I can’t talk to her, I need to talk to her, please get me out, please-“

“Robert?” And a voice was suddenly behind him. Her voice.

The Sarah and Robert of the past still playing in front of him, her lifting Robert into her lap to read him a story. Who was behind him was her. Sarah.

“Mum,” and he ran and hugged her with everything he had.

“It’s okay,” she said, soothing him with a rub to his back. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

—

He managed to calm down after an hour, Sarah explaining to him that she was real, but she wasn’t- she was memories forming an image of her, talking like her without being back from the dead. A gift from Morgan, someone to help him through it. Robert had struggled at first, wanting to know everything about her life, being met with a gentle reminder that the MemoryTech was for him, not for her.

She’d managed to finally ply him, though, when the memory shifted to the rink and they had been able to watch the skating.  

Are you feeling alright, Robert?” Sarah asked, year old self be dragged around by a laughing Sarah.

“Just thinking, I suppose,” he was holding a hot chocolate, and could smell the hint of salted caramel that the barista from the local coffee shop had added into it- a fancy one, built for beleaguered parents aiming to take a break from their kids. “Thinkin’ that the rink will be closing soon. But- it’s my mind, right? I could have it where it doesn’t close, where mum and me get to skate all day again?”

“The rink closes because it’s a memory,” Sarah said gently. “And look-“ she pointed towards Robert and her counterpart, busily zipping up his coat. “It’s time for you to go home to supper.”

“Home to shouting and crying, more like,” he threw his empty cup in the nearby bin. “I’d rather just spend time with you, even though you’re- not you.” He’d not been able to stomach asking how it was true, how she could be there when she was also in memory, how this Sarah looked and sounded and acted like his mum but couldn’t be her, really- just recycled memories forming her exact persona. Robert hated that it still felt like more than he’d had in ages, that he strangely didn’t have a feeling it wasn’t enough.

“There are many more memories we can go to,” Sarah said, again kind, painfully kind. “But I’m afraid that’s time.” She waved a hand and soon it was just her and him back in a completely empty, white room next to what appeared to be a large desk- filled with touch screen buttons. “What’s lucky is that was only 30 minutes, outside,” she went over to the desk and began fiddling with it. “You can get home for supper. Unless, of course, you wanted to top up your time, and show me some more?”

“Aaron will be worried,” Robert said, looking at the flashing pound sign on the board.

“You’ve still not told me much about him,” Sarah said, walking away from the monitor. “I’m sorry I could never meet my son-in-law. I would give anything to see him now, to see how happy he makes you.” She began fiddling with the controls, until Robert was met with large visions the way he had earlier- but instead of him and Sarah, and Victoria, and Andy, they were all of him and Aaron. Their first wedding, their second wedding. Proposing to him by his bedside. Hugging him in the pub so many years ago. Slow dancing at Sam and Lydia’s wedding.

“Do you want to show me any of these?” Sarah said, pulling up the auto-topup options with its distinct cash register sound. Before he could really think Robert was pressing the button, signing, and then diving as fast as he could into the memory of proposing to Aaron by his bedside.

—

It was when he got the text that Aaron began to really worry. He went and saw Victoria and Diane.

“So you’ve not seen him either?” Aaron tried to quell the panic in his voice as he began twisting the sleeve of his jumper. All the way there he had clung on to the hope that Robert had contacted them, hoping that he had gone to stay with one of them, needing some space but being alright, being alive.

“Well, right, hang on, how long are you sayin’ he’s been missing for?” Victoria began to look alarmed, putting her basket of shopping down near the tills. “Have you had a fight or summat?”

“No, well- yeah, but that’s not the point, look, he went to do this weird memory thing, which he said was in Leeds, and then I got some texts from him, and- look,” he handed the phone to Victoria.

“I can’t make you understand this. I need some time to myself,” Victoria read out. “Second message- ‘you’d do anything to see your Jackson again.’”

“What’s he talkin’ about?” Diane asked, and Aaron hated it, hated the rising panic in her voice, hated that Robert had put it there, just like he’d done to him.

“Okay, so you’re saying- Robert’s gone to do some memory- thing- that allows him to see mum,” Victoria said slowly. “And he’s not come back, but he’s been textin’ you? So he’s okay. Look, you know how he gets.”

“He’s always been impulsive,” Diane added, adopting a defiantly measured tone. “And he loved her so much, pet. It’s probably just a lot to take in, he’s probably holed up in a hotel room somewhere, brooding.”

“It’s not him,” Aaron said. “I can tell. Someone’s got his phone.”  

“Aaron,” Victoria said meeting him with one of her warning tones of voice that Aaron had come accustomed to from his sister-in-law. “Look. I know you’re worried, and you’d rather him be home with you than out in some lab in Leeds, but he’s safe, right? He says so here. And I just saw him today! He’s only been gone what, a few hours?”

“It’s not him,” Aaron started again. “I know it isn’t, Vic.”

“Aaron, how would they know about this? You think he’s been, what, kidnapped?”

“I know you’re worried, Aaron love, and I don’t know anything about this but I know Robert, and Robert never got over Sarah, it’s understandable he needs some time,” Diane jumped in, placing a reassuring hand on Aaron’s arm.

“He’s impulsive, Aaron, It’s what he’s like,” Victoria said, handing him back his phone.

“Used to be what he’s like,” Aaron said after a pause. “Maybe you don’t see that- yeah, okay, he ran away, and he used to run at the first sign of danger, but he’d never do this, he wouldn’t just leave and send me somethin’ like this, he wouldn’t leave me like this,” and Aaron felt tears come in that he was unable to stop, fuck it- “I know him, and he wouldn’t. And the way he talks? The way he’s talked here? That’s not Robert. It’s tryin to be him, yeah, and it might be doin’ an alright job, but it’s not him. So someone’s bein’ him, and fine, it’s been a few hours, but it’s him.” He ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “And I dunno where the fuck in Leeds he is, but I’m not spendin’ anymore time without him, so- whatever, you can come, you can’t come, but I’m bringin’ him home, so.” He turned and walked out but then felt two hands on each of his shoulders pulling him back.

“You’re not goin’ on a rescue mission without us,” Diane said with a small smile. “Even if Robert is just sittin’ and moping in a hotel room.”

“We take my van,” Victoria added. “Leave in an hour.”

“Why an hour?”

“Because if you’re gonna be breakin’ into a multimillion pound tech company, Aaron, we’re gonna need to get some of yer family with us, won’t we?”

—

“My son, married to a Dingle,” Sarah said, smiling at the memory- Aaron and Robert in the garage, exchanging vows. “I never thought that would happen.”

“He changed everything,” Robert said. “Aaron did. It was- complicated. I don’t want you to see the person I was,” he added. “During a lot of it. But we got there.”

“He seems wonderful,” Sarah said, looking towards Aaron, who was in the middle of saying his vows. “Kind.”

“He is,” Robert said. “He changed everything for me. Made-“ Robert shrugged. “I dunno, I guess- for awhile it didn’t seem like I couldn’t ever be happy, and then I was with him, and it made me feel like everythin’ made sense- I mean, you’ll see next-“ but before he could say it, they were back, in the white void, the void he had gotten too familiar with.”I really thought the wedding would be included in this one,” he said looking desperately towards the video clip of Aaron and him slow dancing at their wedding.

“I’d like to see more,” Sarah said. “Can you show me more?”

—

Cain, Moira and Belle in the end were the ones who joined, along with Vic and Diane.

He had to talk Cain out of bringing a variety of offensive and menacing weapons and limited him have a gun and a baseball bat only.

It was nice, in a way, to see his uncle willing to inflict grievous bodily harm for Robert.

(His wife willing to as well.)

They got to the warehouse, broke in easily, and saw a woman wandering around, monitoring what were hundreds of people in reclinable chairs, hooked up to IVs and computers.

“What the-“ the woman said, as they advanced upon her. Aaron broke into a run when it became clear who she was next to, who’s IV she was monitoring.

Robert’s.

She reached for her phone quickly, pressing an alarm button.

Cain and Moira reacted first, grabbing the woman and restraining her to the chair, Moira crushing the phone with her foot. Aaron ran to Robert.

“You, explain, now,” Moira glared menacingly down at the woman- Morgan- as she struggled under her restraints.

“You- you have this all wrong, y’know,” she said grappling. “I can’t control this.”

“You’re gonna get him out of that thing right now or I swear to god,” Victoria came over, and was inexplicably holding a stapler. “I swear to god, you’re going to bring my brother back, you absolute psycho-“

“He will come back, they always come back,” Morgan said, breathing quickly, fear coming over her at the sight of the gun trained on her. “I swear.”

“Oh yeah, all this lot here, back and happy with their families, huh, are they?” Cain pointed at the hundreds of men and women lying in their reclinable chairs around them.

“A couple hundred,” Morgan breathed tensely, “Out of hundreds of thousands that we have in this trial, all over the country, are still here. Most see their loved ones, remember something forgotten, and then decide to leave. And we let them go! What’s the point you’re trying to prove? And they will come back. But we can’t make them come back.”

“Right, you lot just gave them a way that they would never want to leave, is that right?” Diane jumped in, staring with utter menace in her eyes.

“And that’s not wrong, is it? For people to get stuck in their memories, paying thousands of pounds to stay here while you profit?” Belle jumped in. “I read about that.”

“If an old millionaire wants to stay stuck in the past before he ruined his life, we give them that opportunity,” Morgan said.

“Oh, don’t pretend you’re a hero of the people lady,” Belle said. “Look at them. Your rich investors are the ones profiting and that woman, do ya seriously think she’s got a load of cash?” She gestured towards a woman nearby. “How could she even pay?”

“Or what is it you’re doin’ to make it worth your while,” Cain said, approaching Morgan with the air of a newly released tiger. “I think that’s the question I want to know the answer to.”

“Cain,” Moira said warningly, from where she standing near Aaron, who was still looking at Robert’s face with an air of complete brokenness.

“He’s not waking up,” Aaron said, running his thumb in circles over Robert’s hand. “He’s- Robert’s not waking up.”

“So you’re gonna figure out a way to make him wake up,” Cain said menacingly.

“If you’d all stop threatening me and listen for a second, you’d understand that I can’t,” she said, glaring up at Cain. “Don’t you get it? It’s autonomous. I enter in the information, I set it up, I talk them through it, but then the cookie that’s in there is a simulation of me who runs everything. I’ve got nothing to do with it.”

“A simulation-“Aaron got up and walked towards her finally. “What’d ya mean by that?”

“It’s a chip out of my brain containing my consciousness,” Morgan said with a tone of annoyance that Aaron felt was frankly entitled. “A piece of it. And it runs all of them. Not just his, all of them. It’s so I don’t have to be in all the simulations at once, or spend what feels like years running some sad sack through his daughter’s wedding again and again-“

“Oh, it’s a bit rough for you is it?” Aaron’s voice got louder. “Well that’s great, cause you had no problem trapping my husband in there with you, gettin’ him to spend however much money, what, what do you just build a friendship, yeah? Make him feel all good and like he can trust you?”

A flicker of a micro expression hit Morgan’s face, as she attempted to cover it up. “No-“

“What is it you’re not telling me?” Aaron said. “I won’t ask you again,” he said looking over at Cain.

“It wouldn’t work if it was just me,” she finally said. “We can- change what we look like, in the memory space. He thinks-“ she sighed and then regarded him warily. “He thinks he’s with his mother.”

All hell broke loose.

Aaron heard shouting. It was all he could hear as he felt himself sink back. Moira, by far the calmest so far, had come over and slapped her across the face.The sounds of Diane and Victoria shouting drowned out the defences that he could hear Morgan trying to proclaim. He felt himself stumble back and his body moved, without thinking, to where Robert was. The need to be near him, the need to hold him tight and make it all feel better seemed primal in how quick and all-encompassing it was. He felt himself move Robert slightly to his right, muscle memory from nights of Robert star-fishing across their bed, and curled up next to him.

“Hey,” he said quietly, having no sense of self-consciousness despite how many people were in the room, even if they were currently too distracted to notice. “Rob, hey, it’s me.” He looked over his face, completely still. Aaron hated it. He spoke the final word like a prayer, as he figured out what he needed to do.

“I’m gonna get you out, okay?”

—

Sarah leaned back on the bar, where the remnants of the second wedding still remained- petals thrown over Robert and Aaron that had landed there, spilled champagne. “I can’t believe you fulfilled the Dingle welly tradition, twice,” she said with a laugh. And then, more sincerely- “Thank you for showing me that.”

Robert was also leaned on the bar, staring at the people milling about and heading home. He hoped Sarah wouldn’t ask where he and Aaron had gone off, or worse ask to see- he remembered the desperate kissing on their bed in the hotel, both of them taking off each other’s suits and discarding them and the feel of Aaron beneath him until they were both too tired to even think about going back to their own wedding. They’d only managed after napping, showing up in disheveled suits that left nothing to the imagination in terms of what they had been doing.

“I wish you’d been there,”

“Can I see this one?” Sarah asked, looking at him and fiddling with the buttons as the familiar white room began appearing behind them, the auto-top up screen appearing behind them. The memories appeared up and he saw what was nearly ready to autoplay, him and Aaron in the pub, saying goodbye. The day after their first wedding.”When was this?”

“It’s- painful,” he said finally. “I can- I can show you another,” he said, remembering the trip to Wales with Liv and Aaron, their first proper trip as a family. “I can show you something better.”

He pressed the button.

—

“You can’t go in there, Aaron,” Cain said staring at him with menace. “Don’t even think about it.”

“You can do it, can’t ya,” Aaron turned to Morgan with madness in his eyes. “You can use your- whatever technology, and put me in there.”

“Aaron,” Cain said warningly.

“We don’t-“ Morgan looked from Aaron to the others, seemingly choosing her words carefully. “I have no idea where they are. I told you. I don’t control this. The version of me that’s in there accesses the memories. When the patient wants to leave- which most of them do after a bit, the cookie version of me shuts down the programme and brings them back. And we-“ She looked towards the floor and then back to Aaron, “we move them here, we only move them here when they’ve been gone longer than a few hours. When it’s been a few months in the simulation.”

“This just gets better and better,” Aaron said closing his eyes.

“I could put you in there, but there’s no way to guarantee you’d find him,” Morgan said harshly. “You’d get stuck there yourself. These aren’t your memories. The system isn’t built for this. We’ve never done it before.”

“That sounds like a few good reasons to sit back and think about this, Aaron,” Moira said, coming over to him.

“He will come back,” Victoria added, placing a hand on Aaron’s arm. “I know he will. He wouldn’t leave ya, Aaron. He couldn’t.”

“They’re-“ and tears were in his eyes, because fuck it, “They put him in with your mum, Vic, but it’s not your mum,” Aaron used one of his sleeves to wipe his eyes. “It’s not your mum, and he’s alone, and I promised him I’d never let him be alone again.” Aaron didn’t care about how it sounded, the rising panic he felt in every part of his body outweighing any sense of self-consciousness over it, over bearing this much of himself and his relationship to half of their families. He took a deep breath, and then moving quickly so no one could react, crouched down beside Morgan and began untying her hands. “So you’re gonna- you’re gonna hook me up, or whatever, and put me in there and I’m bringin’ him home.”

Morgan began to stand up once her hands were untied which prompted Cain to hold the gun up. “Don’t you move a step,” he said, and looked at Aaron. “Mate, I can’t go back without ya. I’m not doin that to my sister.”

“Then don’t,” Aaron said by way of reply, and moved with Morgan towards the computer. “Look- keep the gun on her. Make sure she doesn’t do anythin’ weird. And make her fix it. Make her get us out.” He grabbed one of the empty lounge chairs nearby and pulled it so that it was next to Robert’s. “You all should know by now anyway I’m not takin’ no.”

Cain nodded swiftly. “Well, what’re you doin, then? Get over.”

“I would like to just once more say how idiotic this plan is,” Morgan said. “Just for the record.”

“Yeah, and I think you’ve probably lost all rights to tell us how to do anything, though,” Aaron said, meeting her with a hardened gaze. “Just do your fuckin’ job.”

Morgan looked at him for a minute, and then to the gun trained on her, and began to type into her computer.

“I’m dismantling the firewalls on the control panel in the MemorySpace,” Morgan said. “And the… payment options.” She added quickly, looking furtively at her screen. “I could take you through it myself-“

“And let ya figure out some sort of escape route while in there, I imagine?” Moira walked over and stood next to Cain. “We’re doin’ this for Aaron and then you’re gonna figure out a way to get every single person in this room out of it.”

“Well, that’s impossible,” Morgan said. “But okay.” Cain reacted quickly to hold back Moira, who looked ready to jump on her. “I need one of you to help,” Morgan continued. “I’ll do the IV, but it needs to be synchronised.”

“Whatever you need,” Victoria volunteered, walking over, giving Aaron a small smile before taking Morgan’s place at the computer. Morgan went over to Aaron, reaching in the small wooden cupboard that was sat beside Robert’s lifeless frame, pulling out separate syringe. He watched her sterilise it rudimentarily before she was running an antibacterial wipe over his right forearm, injecting him with something, and explaining something to Victoria. The last thing he noticed was the IV fluids connecting him to Robert.

—

Aaron woke up in a void.

He walked over to what appeared to be a desk with a control panel. He touched his hand to the screen and watched it brightly come to life, the words “Robert Sugden- A1948EG” in a bright white typeface at the bottom of the screen. Aaron saw flashes of memories to choose from, and couldn’t help himself from smiling fondly to see himself present so vividly- both of their weddings, their first kiss, robert sliding the ring on his finger in a hospital bed. Then Sarah- her holding him up in the air. Sarah holding all three kids in her lap. Sarah making tea and biscuits.

“Where are ya,” Aaron felt overwhelmed and then picked the one Robert had mentioned, Sarah and Robert ice skating, from the look of it, and saw the room quickly change into a festive winter scene, an ice rink in walking distance away. He began to call Robert’s name.

—

It all started to go wrong like this.

Robert was picking a new memory, Sarah smiling fondly next to him as he debated between an old Christmas with all the Sugdens and a newer Christmas with Aaron when, before he could decide, the screen disappeared and all Robert saw was greenery.

“What-“ Robert began to walk, Sarah closely behind him, to try to find out where they were. “I didn’t pick this one,” he said frowning, “Does that happen?”

“It’s probably just a glitch, love,” and Robert noticed the way the word didn’t seem to fit when said by her. Glitch. A universe where his mum grew old, lived long enough for words like that to become part of her vocabulary. “Shall we go and find out what this is?”

“I didn’t pay this much money for a memory I don’t know about,” Robert said, a flash of irritation present in his voice. Then, off Sarah’s slightly hurt expression, “I mean- I’m sorry, mum, I didn’t-“

Sarah smiled back at him. “Always quick to get upset, you. Should we just have a look? I can figure out a way to get us back afterwards and reset the system so you aren’t charged.”

“Right, okay,” Robert said, and began to walk. After about five minutes, they reached the undeniable sight of Robert’s car, the lodge, and-

“Oh, no,” Robert said, realisation dawning on him. “No, I know what this is, I don’t-“

“That’s murder.”

“Don’t call it that.”

“Are you feeling stressed out, Robert?” Sarah said, fixing him with a look of concern. “We have to go inside, you know how this works.”

“This isn’t what I want to see,” Robert felt panic rise up in his voice. “Mum, you have to-“

“I’m not going to be able to get us out until it resets after the memory is over, Robert, you know that,” she said again, gently, far too gently. “And we have to go inside.”

Robert numbly felt himself walk into the front door, into the room. He gripped Sarah’s hand.

A glass shattered, and Robert saw himself unravel two bathrobes and use the ties to tie Aaron’s legs and hands, a gag around his mouth.

“Robert,” Sarah whispered in shock, as they continued to watch it unfold.

“It wasn’t-“ and then he stopped, wanting it to end, knowing he was powerless against it. “I’m so sorry, mum, I never wanted you to have to see-” Him driving away. Him coming back. Pointing a gun. “I meant it, I love you.” Paddy shot. Aaron’s face. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron-

The white room came back, and Robert got up from where he had been crouched down, hands over his eyes, knees attempting to block out his ears.

“I need to go home,” he said, standing up. “I need Aaron. I need to see Aaron. I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared and I need to see Aaron-“

“One second,” Sarah was fiddling with the control panel. “There seems to be some sort of issue, love, just one second-“

“Issue,” he repeated, “what sort of issue,”

“It’s not letting me choose the memories, anymore,” she said, reluctantly turning towards him. “It’s shuffled them.”

“Well, I don’t- I don’t care about that, I just want to leave, who cares if they’re shuffled,” he said.

“It’s not letting us exit out,” Sarah said. “I don’t know- love, I’m so sorry, I think it’s timelocked, too many others are in the queue, we can’t get everyone offline at once because there needs to be someone on the outside to turn off the programme-“

“Right, but-“ he looked at her desperately. “Mum, you’ve gotta fix this,”

“It’s autoplaying,” she said with horror. “I’m sorry-“

His father. A farmhand, a desperate kiss. Violence.

Katie. Through the floorboards.

Aaron. Lying in a hospital bed with wounds in his arm. The nurse saying septicaemia.

Aaron drowning.

Kissing Rebecca.

Six weeks in Mauritius, guilt consuming his every being.

Aaron smashing the photo.

—

Aaron felt himself slide down sitting on the floor into the void near the control panel. He fought the urge to cry. He hadn’t spoken to another human being in what had felt like a week. He knew what solitary confinement looked like, knew it was always the easiest way to break someone down. Deprive someone of human contact long enough they’ll agree to anything, say anything to make it stop. But the raw all encompassing grief that fulfilled every millimetre of his body, the gnawing sensation that this was all wrong, the feeling of illness that was spreading through him- Aaron could identify that as nothing other than the complete and utter separation from his husband.

He’d tried everything, feeling horrific guilt at seeing something so personal of his husband’s, something not purposefully shared with him because of trust or desire but because of necessity, because of dark things like ‘kidnapping’ and ‘trauma.’

He’d tried everything, every positive memory he could see featuring Sarah. Ice skating, a day at the park, a trip to Leeds to see a film. Then a few of him and Liv- both of their weddings, both proposals.

“Robert,” he finally said, not knowing what he was saying or why he was. “I love ya. Please- please don’t leave me alone.” He twisted his wedding ring and tears came to his eyes, not sure of how he was going to take another week, month, year of memories to try to find Robert, but knowing that he would still do it, that he had nothing left, nothing without Robert, and then-

He got an idea.

—

“I thought it was only girls that cut themselves-“ “Mum,” Robert looked desperately towards Sarah, “Mum you- you don’t need to see this.” They were standing in the scrapyard, staring at Robert’s younger self spew hatred towards the love of his life.

How it was worse than Katie dying, how it felt worse, Robert wasn’t sure.

“I’m not here to judge you,” Sarah said, face placid. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Maybe the next one will be better.” Robert fiddled with his wedding ring. “I hurt him.” “I know.” “I try not to think about things like that.” “You can’t control that here, love.” “I need to see him,” Robert said. “I need to-“ “You can’t interfere with the memory, Robert,” Sarah said for what must have been the thousandth time during the past few days, hitting a fever pitch when Robert had to watch Aaron taking off his ring and handing it to him, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek. “I don’t care, I don’t care, I can’t-“ and he was going over to them now, the versions of himself and Aaron, Aaron pushing him up against a car, telling him that he would never speak to him like that again. “Aaron,” Robert said, his dream counterpart leaving him alone in tears. “Aaron, please, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you, please,” but Aaron moved, the Aaron of his memory, a broken man who was strong enough to still not have Robert’s words break him- “It’s going to cut off, you can’t see this, you don’t remember this, this isn’t your memory-“ Robert ignored Sarah’s words and threw his arms around the Aaron of his memory, triggering nothing but static-y shock and then Aaron was gone, and Robert was in his bedroom, but- “Robert,” a voice behind him. Aaron’s voice. His Aaron. “Aaron?” He said tentatively, staring at the man who had appeared aside from Sarah. “You can-“ he noticed the wedding ring, the clothes, the shirt that Aaron had been wearing that day, when they’d had a fight. Then before he could observe anything else Aaron’s entire body was on his, hugging the life out of him. “I’m so sorry,” Robert said, all of his words plying on a loop in his head from the fight, their fight, and then the ones from the scrapyard, still echoing from a few moments before. “I’m so sorry.” He clung onto the back of Aaron’s hoodie then, hooking his fingers underneath the hem to ground himself.

“Hey,” Aaron said, soft as ever. “Hey, you don’t have anythin’ to be sorry for. That’s why I’m here. But Rob, we-“ he reluctantly unhooked himself from the hug and kept holding onto the sides of Robert’s face, hoping that somehow it would anchor him, that they wouldn’t be stripped apart if he just held on- “I need to tell you something,” he looked to Sarah then, who had been standing with a look of growing horror on her face. “About her.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she said, crossing to him quickly. “How are you here?”

“Oh, see, ya messed that up, if ya want to play the role of the doting mother ya might want to actually, yknow, seem happy to meet your son-in-law,” Aaron said with venom in his voice.

“Aaron, love, this is dangerous,” Sarah said, taking a step. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen so much of you today it’s hard to remember I don’t actually know you. See, there’s been a problem, with a glitch in the system, and now that you’re here, I’m worried that’s evidence of another glitch-“

“She’s not your mum, Rob,” he said. “She’s Morgan. Doctor Morgan Rodgers. She’s the woman who put you under, but like- a cookie version, or whatever, that she has take you through all these memories, it’s her- it’s her consciousness, right, and she can look like your mum but she’s not your mum-“

“No,” Robert said, moving back so Aaron’s hands fell from his face. “No, Aaron, you don’t-“ he took a breath. “I know what you’re thinking, okay, and I know it isn’t her. It’s my memories of her, of the last time I saw her, and made through the computer programme to simulate how she would act and talk around me.  And the- they told me that the emotions she had for me, the things she felt, would show up, so it was like it was her, the closest it could get, it’s not actually her, no, but it has all of her memories, and it’s-“

“How could they do that?” Aaron walked back closer to him, trying to not be wounded as Robert seemed to look wary about being touched by him. “Rob, think about it, just for a second, yeah? How could they only show you memories in the past but alter this one thing, this only person? Why not your dad? Or Katie? Or-“

“Aaron,” Sarah said sternly. “You can see you’re upsetting him, and this isn’t the time. We’re both frightened by what’s happened, the best way for us to move forward is to keep trying-“

“She’s a bot, Rob, her entire purpose is to keep ya here, forever if she can, because people like you and hundreds of others they’ve done this to fund this entire goddamn thing, they get access to everything, they distract ya, you willingly hand it over and if ya don’t you’re just-“ he met Robert with a pained expression. “That’s all she is. She’s programmed. The real her gave her one purpose and that’s all she is, and she’s stuck here forever if she doesn’t fulfil it.”

“No,” Robert said. “Aaron, no, you don’t understand, it’s been months, I would’ve realised-“

“No ya wouldn’t have, not after what they’ve done!” He felt tears come into his eyes and he made a desperate grab for the lapels of Robert’s shirt. “Robert please-“

“Keep your hands off him,” Sarah said in a warning tone, advancing on them.

“I swore on my life that I would protect you,” Aaron said, moving his hands down to cup Robert’s. “I swore I wouldn’t leave ya. I swore I would never lie to ya. And I am telling you that this is the truth.”

Robert felt it before he could react. Firstly, within himself, the other shoe, looking in Aaron’s eyes and understanding. And then, back towards Sarah, a coldness overtaking the calm and pleasant demeanour that had always emanated from her.

“Love,” she said softly.

“Don’t-“ he moved back a pace. “Don’t come near me.” She continued advancing upon him. “Did they programme you for human decency?”

“I’m a real person,” Morgan said hotly, because suddenly she was back to being Morgan, the doctor from before. “I’m not a programme.”

“I spent months with you,” Robert said, and Aaron gripped his hand tightly. “I spent months feeling like I had my mum back, like I could say everything like I could show you Aaron, I shared Aaron with you, I shared everything!”

“This is very touching,” Morgan said. “Congratulations are in order, I suppose, for being the first to break in here, I’m sure you both will enjoy being stuck for eternity. Who knows when the programme will be switched off.”

“What do you mean by that?” Aaron asked, trying to calm Robert through rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb.

“I mean, I don’t know,” Morgan said. “Despite what you may think, I didn’t relish taking you through your worst memories. There’s something wrong, I can’t get us out. Someone out there will have to turn it off.”

“Well- Aaron looked to Robert, who met his eyes with a look of crushing defeat. “Well that-that’s fine, because they’re working on it, they’ve got to be close now, when I came in here they’d gotten you- I mean, you know, the real you- to try to- rewire the whole thing, and get him back, so-“

“And how long have you been here? Like, seriously Aaron, how long has it felt like? A day? A week?”

“A week, I- I guess, and I know they messed with the time- ways- so it’s less time out there-“

“You’ve been in here for maybe three minutes,” Morgan said. “He’s only been in here for a few hours.” She looked at Robert. “I don’t know why you’re looking surprised, you knew this. And you didn’t choose to leave when you could have left.”

“You think that’s his fault?” Aaron took a step towards her. “You pretended to be his mum! You used everythin’ you could to keep him here!”

“That’s what they told me to do, that’s all I can do, don’t you get it?” Morgan said, tears springing to her eyes, shocking Aaron and Robert. “I have all my thoughts and memories, but I’m a chip. My job is to take you through. I don’t get anything apart from this. I had my own life and now I have to do this and I’ve had to be alive for thousands of years doing this. I fought them, at first,” she said. Taking a deep breath. “Said I wouldn’t do it. Said I didn’t want to trap people. They left me in this room,” she finally waved her hand to allow them to stand in the white void again- “and let me experience a year’s worth of nothing. I’d have agreed to anything. I’m sorry,” she turned towards Robert. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“So what-“ and Robert finally spoke. “What do we do now?”

“Wait for them to switch it off,” Morgan said. “It’s all we can do.”

“Can you control the memories?” Robert said.

Morgan nodded. “Once I realised that the option to go back had disappeared I thought- I don’t know, trying to bring you to traumatic memories would jolt something in you- real you’s body, to wake you up. It just didn’t work.”

Robert looked at Aaron, giving him a small shake of the head. It was one of those things that they had built up over years of being together, the ability to read each other. Robert could tell Aaron’s anger was building like a tidal wave, an urge to protect him.

“Can you-“ Robert sighed, trying to think. “Can you send us somewhere nice? Alone? While we wait?”

As a surprise to both of them, there was no argument. No reasons why no technological malfunction explained, nothing to say. “Where to?”

—

They sat side by side on the boardwalk in Brighton, a tacky souvenir stand to their left and a man announcing a prize game on their right. They’d been there an hour, as their counterparts stood at the edge, Robert’s arm slung over Aaron’s shoulder haphazardly. It was only from six months earlier- a mate of Aaron’s getting married so othey’d taken the weekend and rented a house on a street filled with pastel-coloured houses- 3 stories, 4 bedrooms with a pride flag hanging in the back garden to greet them. Aaron remembered them dropping off their suits and bags at the house, preparing for an afternoon of sex before realising that the owners weren’t planning on leaving until the early afternoon. So they’d gone to the boardwalk, Robert only making a few comments about it being touristy before letting himself get fully immersed in the experience. They still had the photo booth photos on the mirror in their bathroom from it, them making stupid faces and Robert kissing Aaron’s cheek.

“We should go back here,” Robert said, staring over at the waves below him. “When we’re out again. I’d like to go back here.”

“Robert I’m so sorry,” Aaron said. “Look at me.” And Robert did, because they did this now, they had the difficult conversations that required eye contact and Feelings. “I should never have said that about your mum or let you come do this on your own.”

“Hey,” Robert said, in his softest voice. He leaned forward and kissed Aaron lightly. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I wish I hadn’t seen so many of your memories,” Aaron added, saying the thing that he had been dying to say since he’d first seen Robert again. “That’s not- that’s not fair on ya.”

“Aaron,” Robert started, trying to choose his words carefully. “I don’t care about that. There’s nothing I want to keep from ya.”

“You shouldn’t have had to- keep all that buried,” Aaron finally said quietly, staring at his feet. “Ya must’ve been lonely. All this time.”

“It wasn’t all bad. I got to see her again. Got to remember some nice things. You and me.” Robert laughed. “It’s funny, I paid thousands of pounds to see our wedding- to show her our wedding- because I wanted to see ya. I could’ve just left and seen ya. Might’ve been able to breathe if I’d done that.”

“Robert, you didn’t know,” Aaron said gently. “She lied to ya.”

“I should’ve been able to tell,” Robert said, voice getting choked up in the way that Aaron hated, that made him want to burn and destroy things until whatever was hurting his husband went away. “I should have seen it- and if I’m-“ he took a breath. “If I’m not able to see what’s her and what isn’t, I’m gonna forget her,” Robert finished.

Aaron leaned over and framed Robert’s face. “Hey, that’s not- that’s not what that means, Rob. You’re not ever gonna forget her. You got to- you got to see her again, here. You got to see her hold your hand and take ya to- to ice skate and see her birthday again,” he let his hands drop. “If anythin’ good came out of this, this bullshit she put ya through- you got to remember more than you ever would have. And hey, I’m with ya now. You’re not alone with these memories anymore. You’re not alone.”

“Even if we’re stuck here for a thousand years?” Robert said. “Still worth it?”

“A thousand years with you, I think that’d be alright,” Aaron said with a small smile. “C’mon, the wedding’s gonna start soon,” he added, gesturing towards their counterparts, who were heading home to change- only having sex once, in a mark of true restraint.

—

“I remember this song,” Robert said, gesturing to the DJ. A few hours had gone by, and Robert and Aaron- the ones from the memory, were slow dancing- drunk off champagne and each other, laughing and swaying from side-to-side. “Wanna dance?”

Aaron smiled and stood up. “Not as fancy as we were then,” he said, gesturing to his grey Henley. He looked serious for a moment. “Always.”

‘And nothing matters when we’re dancing..’

Aaron clutched at the back of Robert’s shoulders and felt Robert’s hands descend to his waist.

‘In tat or tatters you’re entrancing..’

Robert buried his head in Aaron’s neck, taking him in.

‘Be we in Paris or in Lansing-‘

Robert started to feel a jolt and felt himself fall backwards. An earthquake. Something wrong. Something very wrong.

Nothing matters when we’re-‘

The music went away. For a minute, pure white. And then before they could think of anything else they were hit with nothing but the sensation of being awake and alive and fell into each other’s arms.

—

(It was Victoria, in the end who had cracked. Apparently only after 2 minutes. A baseball bat to every single monitor. Completely calling Morgan’s bluff that this would strand Robert and Aaron for eternity.)

“I couldn’t just watch ya go under to save him and not do anything,” she had said to Aaron, while he fielded questions from the police, over Rob’s shoulder as she’d refused to stop hugging him for even a minute. “Particularly when she told us more about how it all worked. I had to save my brother. And knowing you two you’d just stay there forever staring into each other’s eyes or summat.”)

(It was Belle who fought at the inquiry, who spoke passionately about things that the rest of them were, as Cain said, ‘too stupid or old’ to understand. It was Belle who highlighted the other victims and called into question privatisation of Memory-based Technology.)

(It was Cain and Moira who hired the lawyers, prepared statements, dealt with the police and fed the entire family of misfits situated at Mill Cottage for weeks after.)

(It was Aaron who took care of Robert.)

(It was Robert who took care of Aaron.)

—

Robert woke up to turning 34 with a smile on his face.

It wasn’t just the sex, though that played a part. It wasn’t the breakfast in bed that Aaron served him after, or the walk they went on by the bridge. It wasn’t even the hours they spent just talking, truly talking, about how they were feeling, the way they had to check in these days.

It was the fact that when Robert said “I want to see her,” Aaron immediately grabbed his keys.

It was walking by her gravestone and laying a rose, hand held tightly in his husband’s hand.

It was lying in bed hours after, staring into Aaron’s eyes and watching shitty Netflix until the clock marked his birthday officially over.

“You know, you saved me,” Robert said. They hadn’t talked about it in ages, not feeling like they could- any reflection on the months spent under seemed too unreal, too disjointed and was typically a good way to ensure one of them spent hours sobbing. Usually Robert, Aaron stroking his back as he convulsed over their toilet.

“Hey,” Aaron replied, tightening himself closer around Robert, knowing that that was the way he liked to be spooned, really- the way that he felt like he could nearly crawl into Aarno’s skin. “We’ve talked about this. You saved ya. I had nothin’ to do with it.”

“You walked through memories for me,” Robert said, feeling overwhelmed. “Sometimes you just- ya love me so much, and I don’t understand how. But then I think about what I feel for ya, and I sort of get it.”

Aaron smiled at him warmly. “I guess it’s just- how it is, for us.”

“Weird,” Robert countered.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “But I’d crawl through a thousand memories to drag you back to where you could be in my arms, so.”

Robert felt something draw over him, something that felt like it could slot into place the way it hadn’t ever before. “A thousand lifetimes,” he said.

They both ignored the enormity of it, feeling comfortable in everything that had been said, and drifted off.

#iwillsendapostcard #robron fanfiction #robron #emmerdale #aaron x robert

[glisteria]

all of the nsfw asks pls ?

(lowkey doin it bc u asked even tho i wanna do it anyways)

1. Are looks important in a relationship?•In my personal opinion? No. If you focus truly on the outside you may never find someone you connect with that is pretty too yknow? If that makes sense??

2. Are relationships ever worth it?• Of course

3. Are you a virgin?•No

4. Are you in a relationship?•God i wish i was

5. Are you in love?•Wouldnt classify it as love? but maybe

6. Are you single this year?• Uhhh for the most part

7. Can you commit to one person?• Yes

8. Describe your crush•Well you see im weird and like boy a guy AND a girl so ill give u 2 description? The guy is loud and stupidly funny and is a dweeb. The girl is cute asf and very smart and talented plus i keep circling back to acting like a school girl over her so 👀

9. Describe your perfect mate• Someone i can talk with. Make jokes and be comfortable around. Someone who understands my weird mood shifts or try’s to understand

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?• Maybe

11. Do you ever want to get married?•Depends ask me in 10 or so years

12. Do you forgive betrayal?•Depends on how bad it was

13. Do you get jealous easily?•Honestly situational but sometimes yes

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?•Ya yeet

15. Do you have any piercings?•Oh dude ya i have 3 per ear and would like more

16. Do you have any tattoos?•Cat on my inner right ankle (want more tho)

17. Do you like kissing in public?•Yes

20. Do you shower every day?•Try to but #depression

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?•Haha i thought so but then he decided he didnt wanna be around me :)

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?•Hope so. maybe not im a dISASTER

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?• Yes

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?• 🤷🏻‍♀️

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?• Plz

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?• Yes

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?• No but i for them

28. Have you ever been cheated on?• No

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?•No but i was ‘the other girl once’ and i regret

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?•Idk smth about my stomach? Breast reduction

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?•Oh yea all the time

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?• HA yes

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?•Yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?•Not technically

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?• 👀 yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?• Oh yes the cliché friends to lovers trope. Yes ive fallen for friends

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?• OH YES

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?• 👀 Sophomore year looking @ u

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?• Do idols count

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?• Ya

41. Have you had sex so far this year?• HA in a dream yea

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?• Depends on the persons preferences

43. How long was your longest relationship?•6 months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?• I dunno 6?

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?• Considering i was 13/14 from what i can remember not many

46. How many times did you have sex last year?• 0

47. How old are you?• 18

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?•Id support them because the heart wants what it wants

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?• Physically probably their eyes and hands

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?•No absolutely not

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?•Yes multiple

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?• Yes and because i cared too much and he cared not at all

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?• I have friends who dont like my other friends if that counts

54. Is there someone you will never forget?• Of couese

55. Share a relationship story.• Haha i dunno. Most are bad

56. State 8 facts about your body• I have a tattoo. I have horrible acne. My right ankle cracks if i bend it. I have a random hard spot on my right leg. I have a large belly. I have a freckle on the outside of my right hand. 3 holes in each ear. I have large brown eyes

57. Things you want to say to an ex• Please stop toying with my even though you are out of my life

58. What are five ways to win your heart?• Be kind to me. Dont pressure me into anything and let me be the way i am. Plz dont make fun of my obsession with kpop or certain games. Food? Literally just like me. Bam you got me

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)• HNNNNN ill send (the asker) a selfie

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?• 2 years

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?• Personality wise probably sense of humor and physically eyes and hands bc dont talk to me i love em

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?• Like me?

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?• Situational imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?• Romantic/Sexual advances or actions with someone that isnt your partner without exolicit permission

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?• Idk kiss me and let’s figure it out

66. What is your favourite roleplay?• Not gonna out myself

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?• Listen to music and talk

68. What is your sexual orientation?• Idk? I like someone for who they are not what they are

69. What turns you off?• I dunno honestly been too long

70. What turns you on?• haha not gonna out myself too much but uhh anything on my neck/behind my ears. Praise like fuck

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?• Never had a wet dream :)

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?• My name honestly

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?• Idk. Write something about me on their page? Tag me in smth nice? hug me? come to ohio and socialize with me? (come see the nutcracker and phantom of the opera with me this month plz plz)

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?• Idk

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?• I honestly dont know?

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?• I dunno. Wrote a song to make them feel better? Sent them a whole care package when they were depressed? idk

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?• As long as its legal idc

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?• O boyo if you wanna know you gotta dm me

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?• Literally any time my friends do something without me or with a new friend

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?• Other than friendly and parents probably about a month? i just masked it as friendly?

81. Who are five people you find attractive?•The Person who asked this 👀•Literally all my kpop boys• uhh

82. Who is the last person you hugged?•My dad

83. Who was your first kiss with?• His name was John

84. Why did your last relationship fail?• He decided his ex who was manipulative was better than me

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?• Yes. I actually have

#asks #musicrazorsuicide

[hoverbun]

impassive

fandom: league of legends character(s): zed, shen ship(s): shen/zed synopsis: Inside you is where daylight ends and darkness begins - chaos fostered inside one man. Shen is always so cold, and you want to be the one to break him. (note: this was written before jhin and kayn were released.) warnings: mild sexual content, mild violence. word count: 1566

i.

There is a clean cut across his cheek, from beneath his left eye to the curve of his jaw. You look at it with the awe you would a pyre. The flesh is torn, slit clean from the blade you clutch in your hand, and the air bites at the raw skin – but Shen is impassive.

The fury, distaste, and shock lit in his eyes are but blinking candles in a calming (foreboding) wind. You are both young and it was a sparring match you took too far.

“Control yourself, Zed.” His tone is dangerous, but calculated. You will think about how the blood rolled down his throat later.

ii.

He told no one the cause of his injury, but he wears a mask over his face now. You think of it as your own violent secret with him. That excites you.

The elders call you reckless when you spar with the others. That you are skilled, but must restrain your brutal strength. That you must find the balance of force and grace. The word balance feels wrong inside you. You don’t know why.

One of the elders tells Shen to stand. You will follow his movements, you were told. You were told (permitted) to watch him. You watch. The mask is taunt over his face, and you can still hear him breathe.

You watch him. You watch him, and you wish you could that forever.

( You want him to look at you, too. )

iii.

“Take off your mask,” you tell him. His eyes are cold, like ice, like the room. He is steady and as impassive as bone. When he exhales, it is muffled, yet you still hear every beat of breath.

“What you did is still there,” he replies, as if telling you is meant to placate you. “I believe it will scar.”

You and him are alone. The sun is low in the sky, light pouring in through windows framed by wood illuminating the closed, empty room. You can hear talking in the distance, the others ( strangers to you – you don’t bond well with the other students, and you only memorized a few elders by name ) unclear, unimportant.

“Show me.” You never request – you order, even without authority.

He sees your hand move, but it is to rest it upon your knees – you know this, because his eyes twitch, carefully watching downward for fractions of seconds. You watch him all the time – to study, to observe, to witness. You know his tells. You bet he knows yours, too.

Shen removes it. His skin has healed over the wound, uneven and paling in comparison to his dark, warming complexion. Your eyes remain fixated, and move between it, and him. He watches you, now. You expected shame, discomfort.

But he is not so easily shamed. He watches you like he would await a storm.

It is then you bring a hand to the scar. Your mark. Apprehensive, his head turns in your hand, ever so slightly.

You remind yourself this is your secret.

You’d do anything to gouge it open again.

iv.

They try to teach you about the equilibrium of Valoran, the balance you will be expected to uphold in days to come. You feel disgusted by the notion you might lend yourself to a state of weakness, if your most pure form of absolute strength could not be worth their cause.

Your hands are like claws upon Shen’s shoulder. You can never make him flinch – he was born with eyes of twilight. You allow yourself to think on when you might terrify him, pleasure from power.

( You will never be good enough for the elders. You’ll pull apart their golden boy until you find what they love so much, then bleed him dry. )

He acknowledges you briefly. Still with the mask, but it’s not as tightly wound over his face – you don’t see the curve of his bone structure this time, even so close.

( And you know he knows. Such a smart, careful, handsome, clever man he’s becoming. )

He says he will be accompanying his father to another village for a Kinkou ceremony. He makes no point to inform you that you will be not coming. You reason it’s a private thing, reserved for the leader, and his star.

All you want to do is look at him.

v.

( You kiss him first. )

“Control yourself, Zed,” is all he passes between you, and you swallow his warnings with the rest of his breaths.

( He is so cold. )

vi.

When he comes back, he is in steel and cloth – armour gifted to him (by whom, you do not know.) that rests upon him in beautiful silver and fine silk, gifts for the promised Eye of Twilight. You aren’t sure if the mask is meant to be permanent, but it is befitting. He is as steady as he has always been – watchful, unbreakable. You watch him so carefully, and you cannot see his eyes flick towards you any longer.

It’s rather disappointing.

You meet for the first time since his return in one of the many hallways of the school, isolated by others, with shadows draping themselves over every corner cut from the sun’s rays. The shadows curl around your ankles, like a welcome gesture. You don’t think about it.

He watches you. His eyes are hidden but he watches you, he looks through you, like he is meant to – like he is finding what guides your volatile volition, your greedy manipulation, what pushes you to behave so brashly and so cruelly to earn favour and witnesses. You want to laugh, because you’ve already pulled him apart, already found what keeps him together the moment he unwound himself for you in the cover of darkness above you – but you don’t.

You don’t, because though you know him, you cannot predict him. Instead, you move your hand over the steel helmet, thumb overlapping where metal and cloth protect the violent secret you two hide.

You briefly hear him breathe in, the first beat of words on the edge of his breath, but he doesn’t offer you anything. Perhaps it is for the best.

vii.

You find out the helmet was intentional. Coincidental, the purpose it serves.

( He is nothing more but ice, always cold and brittle and with little meaning in touch – you push your mouths together and it’s vile, finding ways to turn obsession in affection with clawing grasps and threats on shared breaths. Shen is cold and you are angry, pulling him against you until there’s enough faltering in his breathing that you feel like you’ve won. 

He fucks with such disinterest. Your hands keep him steady when he's over you, and you keep your stare. You've tried to scare him, and you don't think you ever will. The sex is uncomfortable with your eye contact and you always wait to see who will look away first. It makes you want to grimace. )

He looks good in it. Respectable, clean. You yourself have taken to darker steels, where the shadows push inside your armour and you can hear the calling of something better. Stronger. What you yourself deserve. The shadows that curl around where the light of twilight ends, the tension (balance) between what he knows and what you are learning. You've opened yourself to things you should not have met, in the cover of night and shadow to learn their secrets. 

( You kiss him with open mouths and open teeth and tear him apart. )

He breathes your name, "Zed," and it's for a few seconds he can't control himself.

viii.

You trace the sigils you've learnt on his back, between his shoulder blades. Your nails are blunt, but your tilt your extended finger just so that you graze the nail over his skin. If they were any sharper, you'd look to mark, but you don't.

Several times, you feel his body stir, inhaling with the certain tone that tells you he wants to speak. But he dares not to interrupt the silence that holds you two together, colder than his body and sharper than the blade you used to cut his face open. It humours you that you cannot predict what he might actually say, but dark parts of you want him to condemn you. Darker parts want to be challenged.

( Tomorrow you will ask him to spar. Tomorrow you will prove yourself. )

The darkest says his name, and laughs.

ix.

There is silence, but then there is not - when you stand over Shen, broken and bruising and staring up at the grains of the wood in the ceiling above you, you are called a traitor. Not that you have beaten the prodigal, but that you have opened your heart to forbidden arts, forbidden acts. He lies there like he is dead and you feel the beauty of horror and relief at the same time. It opens visions for what you wish to come, when his last breath is robbed and the impassive light in his eyes is nothing but cold, cold, cold.

You are driven from the temple. Shen does not watch you leave, and he does not argue your exile.

x.

( You trace your fingers over your own face, from cheek to jaw. You think of what you have inflicted. You think of him. You wonder if Shen would have done the same to you, if he had lacked control. )

#league of legends #zed #shen #shen/zed