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transjoyblog · 3 years

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The Many Astonishing Ways Abuse Can Affect Your Money

Photo by Darío Martínez-Batlle on Unsplash

People will use money, and your need of it, to manipulate you in various ways. Some are relatively harmless, and extremely common i.e. an otherwise neglectful parent buying their child lunch to get some time with them. However, some are more nefarious, and insidious. Here are a few common tactics people regularly use to control you financially:

Manipulation- This category is comprised of various types of manipulation including emotional appeal, constant desperation, and the use of younger siblings/dependent adults i.e. grandma against you.

Most everyone has been on the receiving end of an emotional appeal before. We use this to declare our love for each other, ask someone we have hurt for forgiveness, and so many other very positive interactions. But emotional appeal is also regularly used to try to influence a reluctant person to continue offering support with which they have become uncomfortable. A common use of emotional manipulation is for the dependent person to respond with an outburst of anger when support is threatened. They may genuinely feel that they have a right to be angry, and that may in fact be true, but that doesn't change the fact that the person providing support also has a right to their feelings, and ultimately, to their own time, energy, and money.

Another type of tactic that is very similar and often used in conjunction with emotional appeal, is for the person receiving support to be in a constant state of desperation. This person will often come to you at the end of the month to say, "Can I just borrow a couple hundred to get us through the month? I'll pay you pack the second I get paid." This is essentially asking for a payday loan from you, which we all know, is just a cycle of debt that actually benefits no one. This type of manipulation can be difficult to extract yourself from because there is probably a genuine need. However, it is ridiculous to expect anyone to loan you money on a frequent basis. If you cannot support your lifestyle on your own, reduce your lifestyle to the best of your ability.

If you have dependent family members, constant desperation becomes all that more effective. If grandma is on a fixed income, and Timmy is only 12 years old, they come with fixed expenses. Anyone knows this. And therefore, anyone should be able to plan for these expenses. If you are not living in the home, you are not responsible for grandma, or baby brother. I know this sounds harsh, and if the need is true, you can always offer other material support such as taking baby brother school clothes shopping, or asking only grandma what she might need from the store. But you do not need to provide money to people who may or may not be spending it in the way that they say they are.

Use of access to credit- Directly taking money out of an account they have access to, taking out a credit card in your name (or a joint one, if married) and using it indiscriminately or without permission.

My father was a big fan of this type of control. By the time my mother left him after 8 years of abuse, he had taken out something like 13 joint credit cards and run them all up to the limit. Not to mention all of the cards he took out in only his name or my mother's. He used my mother's maiden name and social security number to take out cards without her knowledge. He then chose to reveal the existence of these cards in moments when my mother was seriously considering leaving, claiming that if she left she would have nowhere to go because he had ruined her credit. This is obviously abusive behavior and should not be tolerated in any relationship, whether that is a relationship between adults, or a parent/child relationship. If you find yourself in a situation even close to this one, I highly recommend contacting the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org), as they may be able to provide concrete guidance on how to challenge behaviors like these in court.

Another form of manipulation could be pressuring you to take out a card and let someone else use it. This has actually happened to someone I know. Their parents put a lot of pressure on this person, basically the minute they turned 18, to take out a credit card in their name and let the parents use it, and pay it off. Or so they said. Ultimately, they were not able to make the payments on it, even the minimums, and destroyed this child's credit. The parents also convinced this child to take out payday loans in this child's name, and then just "loan" them the money. Please do not fall for this. This is manipulation, pure and simple. No reasonable person asks another to take out a loan for them, regardless of if you can afford it, or if they'll pay you back right away. Forget it. Any money loaned out is not a loan. You should be comfortable with the concept of never seeing that money back, and it should be an amount of money that you can afford to never see again. Regardless of how close you are, if not getting paid back would ruin your relationship with this person, you cannot afford to lend them money.

Monitoring- Keeping track of how you spend money, not allowing you a say in the family finances, or being cagey with their personal finances, while expecting you to be completely forthright with yours, usually perpetrated under the guise of "handling the finances", are all tactics that many people in long term relationships use to control their partner(s) or sometimes parents use to control their young adult children. This behavior can usually be spotted early on in the relationship.

1. Do they check up on you when they know you have other things to do?

2. Do they expect an unreasonable level of communication?

3. Do they ask to move in together pretty quickly? (This can be a tactic to more fully control your environment, or to begin the process of isolation, or dependence.)

4. Do they regularly ask for small sums of money, and always pay you back? (This can be a way to warm you up to the idea of giving them access to your accounts, or to loaning them large sums of money, which they will likely never pay back.)

5. Have they asked to share bills or accounts early on in the relationship, or before you have moved in together? (This could be a dependence or control tactic, because if they are on the account they are entitled to control and monitoring of the account, whether that is a cell phone bill, or a bank account.)

This is just a small selection of the types of questions that could come up as you negotiate the financial terms of your long term relationships. There are tons of questions that pertain to specific situations, people, and relationships. A great rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether you can communicate regularly, openly, and safely about your feelings with this person. If you do not have solid communication, trust, and safety with any person, they do not deserve access to or control of your financial life.

"Losing ambition" or other types of dependence- This can best be described as someone depending on your money while refusing to work when otherwise able - and this one comes with a huge caveat. Many people are truly dependent, and truly cannot work or find work for reasons beyond their control. But this needs to be communicated. Usually, the people who use dependence as a tactic to control you do not keep a regular conversation about finances going because that would reveal the extent of their use and abuse. My fiancee is pretty much entirely dependent on my income due to a chronic illness. I do not resent this because we have had tons and tons of conversations about our finances, and she has her own money and bank account. She contributes as best she can around the house, and constantly has ambitions of making her own money. She even buys me dinner sometimes. She is still driven and ambitious, it has just had to change in scope and degree from where she was before she was ill. That being said, refusing to work, find work, or otherwise contribute around the house can be a way to manipulate you into continuing to take care of someone. Keeping themselves dependent on you can make you second guess your desire to leave because "What would happen to them, they aren't working, I'm the only one paying the rent, where would they go?" This is a spiral that they want you to have because as long as they have nothing, you have to stay with them. The way to deal with this behavior is to do your best to sit with them and discuss their goals, what plans they have of achieving them, and how you and your money fit into that picture. Both parties should come to an agreement that feels ok for both parties. This will not feel good, do not expect it to. But this plan should offer both of you some level of psychological relief, and guidance on what the next steps could be for the dependent person. If someone is resistant to making substantive change in themselves and their lives, when they are otherwise completely capable of doing so, you do not need to feel responsible for their life, even if they do not feel responsible for it themselves. At this point you are forced to accept that this person is resistant to change right now, and will probably continue their pattern of behavior and manipulation regardless of anything you may or may not do. So, it would be in your best interest to distance yourself from the dependent person as much as possible. Ultimately, I encourage everyone to seek the professional help of a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist whenever possible. It always helps to have an objective lens through which to view a difficult situation such as manipulation or abuse.

Actionable Advice:

1. If you take nothing else from this article, always remember the 3 C's: Consent Communication Consideration. - Every partner in any relationship has a right to these three C's.

2. Protect yourself - we are raised to extend our trust, love, and vulnerability to the people who are closest to us, but this does not take into account the reality of toxic relationships and family members.

3. Educate yourself - Continue to advance your knowledge of personal finance and relationships. None of us are perfect. We all have gaps in our understanding, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and getting along with others. Kindergarten can't teach us everything.

#personal finance #family finances #relationship #family #educateyourself

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alchemistalley · 6 years

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While a prescription for medication may help you sleep for a couple nights, there are significant side effects to these prescriptions and they typically cause more health problems than they help. Problems With Prescription Sleeping Medication The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced in 2013 that at least 9 million people were using prescription sleep aids.6 The data was based on interviews with 17,000 adults, and found that 4 percent had taken a sleeping pill or sedative in the past 30 days. They also found that use of sleeping medication increased with age. The lowest age group was between 20 and 39 years old, and the percentage of users continued to rise through senior years. Although it may be easy to get sleeping pills from your doctor, they come with significant side effects and usually only help you to fall asleep and not to sleep through the night. 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Some research has demonstrated that people who struggle with insomnia naturally have a higher body temperature, making dropping off to sleep more difficult.13 If you have trouble sleeping, it's important to drop your core body temperature. Wearing socks or using a hot water bottle near your feet helps to dilate your vessels, releasing more heat from your feet. How the heat in your body is distributed also helps increase your sleepiness. This thermoregulation improves when you lie down and heat disperses from your core to your arms and legs. Wearing loose fitting shorts and t-shirts may help improve heat loss at night, helping you to fall asleep and stay asleep. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia In May, 2016, the American College of Physicians (ACP) recommended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I) as the initial treatment prescribed for chronic insomnia.14 The key element using CBT-I is to restructure and reframe your thinking patterns using a combination of education, behavioral interventions and cognitive therapy designed specifically for people suffering with insomnia.15 If you can't find a trained therapist in your area, you may want to consider an online program. Recent research is producing convincing data that internet-based programs are as effective as working with a therapist when followed appropriately.16 Whether you use a CBT-I program online or face-to-face with a therapist, the results appear to be the same.17 Online programs may be less expensive and don't require additional time outside your home. 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Greg Jacobs, Ph.D., sleep specialist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, told The New York Times:21 "The number of clinicians nationally who know how to do CBT-I is a couple of thousand. We need 100,000. There are tens of millions of people out there who have insomnia." Herbal Teas May Help You Fall Asleep People have been using herbal teas to help relax before bed for centuries. However, it's important to remember that the effects of herbs can vary depending on the individual. Some herbs can cause sleep disturbances while others can either make you drowsy or contribute to sleeplessness. You may want to experiment with several to find the one that works for you with the caveat that you need to remember that some herbs can interact with perscription medication you may be taking, or with another underlying medical condition. Also remember, not all herbs are appropriate for children.22 That said, the following herbs have a history of usefulness for helping people fall asleep: • Chamomile This is probably one of the better known herbal teas used to relax and induce sleepiness, and which has shown in a clinical study that it could provide help for chronic insomnia.23 As a sleep aid, it's fairly mild.24 It is also gentle and is helpful if you have an irritable digestive tract. Even sniffing the tea bags may be enough to trigger your brain to relax.25 An herbal infusion tea may be made by using 1 ounce of the dried herb steeped in 1 quart of water for four hours. Filter the dried herb out before drinking. This infusion is more concentrated than brewing a cup of tea. Chamomile tincture may also be used to help you sleep. • Passion Flower This is a very mild herb, best used when you are overtired, anxious or overworked. Dr. Michael Traub, a naturopathic physician who has studied the passion flower, recommends making an infusion with 0.07 ounces (2 grams) of the herb in 5 ounces (150 milliliters) of water, or use 0.3 ounces (10ml) of tincture. Take three to four times daily.26 You can also steep 1 teaspoonful in 1 cup of boiling water for 10 minutes and drink it just before bedtime. But, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center (UMMC), consult your physician before taking it if you are already taking prescription drugs for insomnia, anxiety, depression or blood thinners.27 • Kava kava This herb is commonly used to reduce anxiety and depression. In an observational study with placebos, it was found to have some benefit as a sleep aid.28 It has been found safe in small dosages, but use caution, as kava supplements have been linked to liver damage.29 Germany, Switzerland and Canada have banned substances containing Kava because of the risk of liver damage. The safest way is to use a mild tea and not a supplement. • California Poppy This is a favorite herb of many people seeking relaxation and drowsiness to sleep. Studies have demonstrated the herb's ability to reduce the amount of time it takes you to fall asleep and improve sleep quality when used as directed.30 Taking 30 drops of the tincture two to three times daily may help you fall asleep easier. • Valerian This is possibly the most powerful herbal sedative, and not one to be used consistently. Using it before bed may help reduce the number of times you awaken during the night. However, this herb may trigger some wild dreams, as well as diarrhea and other gastrointestinal effects. If you've never used valerian, it's best to start slowly to reduce the potential you may experience side effects. This herb also works well in combination with hops.31 Herbal Aromas May Increase Relaxation and Improve Sleep Herbs are also aromatic. The scent they produce may sometimes have as much effect on your brain and body as drinking tea or tincture. These herbs are a wonderful addition to your night clothes or bedroom to help you relax and sleep. • Lavender As an aromatherapy, this plant from the mint family has been reported to help with sleep and relaxation issues.32 Mixing a little of the essential oil with olive oil makes a massage oil that promotes sleep. You might also add a drop or two to a warm bath before bed, or on a cotton ball inside your pillow case.33 Do not ingest lavender oil; also, do not use it topically on boys, as it may cause abnormal breast growth.34 • Hops The scent of hops, a component of beer, was a favorite of King George III and Abraham Lincoln as a means of inducing relaxation and sleep.35 This herb may be used to stuff a pillow for your nightly relaxation, or you may choose to drink a mild tea twice daily, once in the morning and another in the latter part of the evening. Studies with animals have shown that it also may be useful in the form of nonalcoholic beer. #alchemistalley #holisticwellnessspecialists #DrBowe #DrRacquel #herb #healthiswealth #healer #metaphysicalherbalists #newageherbalists

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themindfulword · 7 years

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PSYCHOLOGICAL & SPIRITUAL THERAPY: People may sometimes require a special “spiritual lens” to accurately perceive reality

In our weekly Psychological & Spiritual Therapy column, therapist Jack Surguy is offering professional advice to The Mindful Word readers for all those questions and problems you have wanted to discuss with someone qualified and caring. If you would like Jack to assist you in any areas of your life and relationships, fill out this form. He will respond to your questions through this column, normally published every Tuesday.

QUESTION

My partner did seven Ayahuasca "trips" and still gets tears in his eyes when he talks about "Mother Ayahuasca" and the answers she gave. I believe that he always had the answers—all he needed to do was sit quietly and they would come to him. I think that when we go to "special spaces" through the chanting of mantras, meditation, using crystals, drumming, praying, Ouija boards and the use of Ayahuasca and other mind-altering substances, we're putting ourselves into a state of self-hypnosis. In "meeting"/"getting in touch with" angels, gods, spirits, guides, ancestors, aliens or whatever, we're simply connecting with our subconscious, our deepest selves. There is nothing "other." It's all just us. And that "special space" is, again, just us. In other words, we have all the answers we need, all the time. Why do we choose (and I really mean "choose") to ignore them, but look for—and supposedly find—the exact same answers in substances, chants, prayers, aliens, ancestors, therapists, drugs, gods and churches? Why can't we accept that this is us, and that any other place is still us, as is any other dimension, state of being, god or entity? Why are we so out of touch with ourselves? This constant human need to find something alternative to what we already have deeply disturbs me. We seem to always be dissatisfied or in a perceived state of incompleteness until, as many religions, belief systems and common garden fraudsters tell us, "we become one with" whatever we're supposed to join up with. All the while, we throw money at these "fraudsters." This is my opinion, anyway—am I completely on the wrong track? Jennifer, 65,U.S.

ANSWER

Hello Jennifer, Thank you so much for submitting your question. In trying to address the question (“Am I completely on the wrong track?”), I’ll begin by sharing a story.

Leo’s story

A young boy around six years of age was continuously having behavioural problems that had been going on for a long time. Leo was around two years old when his mother took him to their family doctor due to some issues Leo was having. The doctor checked young Leo out and found nothing medically significant. He assured the mother that Leo was fine and that he would grow out of the behavioural problems. Leo was now six years old and his problems were getting worse. He often refused to leave the house, his language development was far behind where it should be and he was throwing frequent temper tantrums, as well as becoming aggressive with his older siblings. Leo’s mother was at a loss. She'd sought help, but was again told that Leo had behavioural issues. One day, Leo’s mother noticed that he seemed to be experiencing vision problems; he sat too close to the TV and had to hold his toys and picture books close to his face. She decided to schedule an appointment with an optometrist (eye doctor) and have Leo’s vision tested. It was then discovered that Leo had extremely poor eyesight as well as a condition known as Optical Albinism, which causes a person’s eyes to be very sensitive to light. Leo was prescribed a special pair of glasses to help him with his conditions. His mother described him receiving his glasses in the following way: When Leo received his first pair of glasses a few days after his test, it was an emotional moment. He noticed things that he had not seen before and kept looking around at everything, studying faces and objects. He had the biggest smile and I did have a few tears in my eyes.... Life for Leo has been changed dramatically now he has his glasses.... once he got his glasses he showed an interest in books and playing with his brothers instead of the destructive behaviour that he showed before. His speech improved within the first few weeks and he was less frustrated as he began to listen and speak more and he started copying other children’s play. Leo’s main issues were his inability to see things clearly and his eyes' vulnerability to becoming overly sensitive to light. Now, Leo was behind in language development and reading, as well as having deficits in social skills and healthy interactions, but when he was provided with the means to see things clearly and was given the tools to prevent himself from overexposure to sunlight, he became much more interested in books, play and social interactions. He started to copy other children in order to learn more appropriate social skills and was able to put those skills into effect. The vast majority of us don't see things perfectly clearly, either.

The human mind is a fascinating thing

It's a well-known phenomenon that a person’s mind can block out or defend itself against information that may be too overwhelming for the person to process. Take a moment to really process that: A person’s mind can block out or defend itself against information that may be too overwhelming for the person to process. Something traumatic can happen to someone, like abuse in childhood, and the person can literally go years without having any recollections or conscious memories of the event. Then, oftentimes out of nowhere, these memories will come flooding back in, often accompanied by a tremendous emotional reaction. One person with whom I worked described this process by saying, “I don’t know how I let myself forget those things. But it’s not really like I forgot it. It was there all along; I just didn’t want to see it.” Another client with whom I worked had a somewhat similar experience, but it didn't involve any memory loss. A woman in her mid-sixties came to see me for therapy because of depression. Though she'd started medications for the depression and was seeing me on a weekly basis, there was no evidence that she was getting better. Her case perplexed me and I decided to really question her on almost all aspects of her life to try and discover where her increasing level of depression may have been coming from. After seeing her weekly for almost three months, she finally disclosed the fact that her husband had spent close to $100,000 on scratch-off lottery tickets. Their life savings were gone and she was now forced to return to work so that they wouldn't lose their home. I tried to discuss this with her, but she insisted that it was fine, as he'd promised to never purchase tickets again. After further questioning her, she then disclosed that he'd made that same promise on three previous occasions, only to later spend their last $30,000. She assured me, however, that she knew he was serious now and adamantly insisted that her depression had absolutely nothing to do with the lost money. After several months of on-again, off-again therapy, she came into the office one day and vented for the entire hour, stating that she was absolutely furious with her husband and that she was probably going to file for divorce because she couldn't forgive him for spending their entire life savings. For both of these individuals, the reality of what occurred was simply too much for them to acknowledge or process. In an effort to protect itself, the mind blocked certain knowledge from consciousness. It appears that when a person becomes more able to deal with certain information, the mind brings it back into conscious awareness. In a very real way, it can be said that we're protecting ourselves from ourselves!

Various practices assist us in finding the "Aha!" moment

People, at times, may require a special “spiritual lens” to try and accurately perceive reality. I’m OK with this. I consider learning, understanding and wisdom to be things that are obtained and developed over a period of time. A person may need to view things a certain way and for a certain length of time before they're ready and able to, perhaps, move to a deeper understanding. In fact, the “self-hypnosis” you mentioned in reference to meditation, drumming, praying and the chanting of mantras may alter a person’s neurological make-up, thus making it more likely for them to have the "Aha!" moment in which they gain realization of, insight into or comprehension of a situation. Many of us may be much like Leo in that we need to “copy” or model another's spiritual experience in order to learn how to have healthy spiritual/emotional lives and experiences ourselves. As the Dalai Lama XIV has stated, “Neither a space station nor an enlightened mind can be realized in a day.” I do believe that the vast majority of people, including myself, do need particular practices (such as drumming, prayer, mantra and meditation) to aid us in our spiritual/emotional development. When children learn to walk, they engage in “cruising,” which involves a child pulling themselves up onto furniture and holding onto it in order to stabilize themselves as they learn to balance and strengthen their legs. This step is necessary for the child to later be able to walk of its own accord. I see the spiritual practices mentioned above as serving a similar purpose. Buddha gave his disciples similar advice in saying,“When you know the Dharma to be similar to a raft, you should abandon even the teachings, how much more so things contrary to the teachings.” Here, the advice was to let go of even the Buddha’s teachings after realizing enlightenment. The one caveat to letting go of the teachings is to fully realize, understand and experience the teachings. This, of course, is where most of us struggle. In this struggle, many have to “cruise” and use spiritual practices such as drumming, mantra, prayer and meditation. So in answering your question, no, I wouldn’t say you’re completely on the wrong track. However, I'd guess that not all are able to walk that track, due to the many struggles and obscurations that most face. These prevent them from gaining full insight into the nature of emptiness, which you’re essentially describing. The one piece of advice I'd suggest regarding your relationship and your response to your significant other would be to remember that encouragement and support is often most helpful when it comes to a person's growth. image via Pixabay Click to Post

#Dalai Lama #drumming #mantra #mantras #meditation #prayer #self-hypnosis #spiritual practices

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