#i almost lost hope for myself

[greatestjubilee]

bleh

#hi all. lucy here #i have barely been drawing lately because ive just been unable to #like i feel like i lost my spark. i dunno #i used to draw so much and make so many comics when i was absolute rock bottom mentally #like the funnier i was the worse i was doing #ive been better lately but i truly feel like ive almost sacrificed my ability to draw or create stuff for some more mental stability #i just....i dont know. i feel like i can't do anything i used to do with art. like im not funny or have no ideas or just think stuff like #oh ill just draw this because people will wanna see it #but i gave that up because not even i wanna see it anymore #i hope that i can feel like drawing again one day i just dont know how to get it back. it really feels like ive lost a major part of myself #this is my rambling here just to let you know i am still around just kind of laying low because im drained

[music-is-love-90]

I have so many feelings about the Fallon Clip

Like, he's been banished, and he just rolls up to this wedding? The unmitigated hubris of that moment. Just trusting that Viserys isn't going to ruin the wedding by having his brother killed? And then. AND THEN. Boy has the audacity of just having a full blown "Let's talk my niece out of marrying her intended in the middle of the wedding THAT I WAS NOT INVITED TO AFTER I LEFT HER HANGING IN A BROTHEL AND THEN FUCKED OUT OF TOWN" conversation in the middle of a dance floor!

This is where the "It was his plan to ruin her and leave her there" crowd lose me. This man, this chaos gremlin, has never made a functioning plan in his life! None of his actions have been the actions of a functioning brain. His plans are, at best, "I would like x to happen. Maybe this will work?" He does not plan. He sets goals and hopes for the best.

I love this disaster of a man with all my heart.

#There are no thoughts behind those eyes #Couldn't plan his way out of a wet paper bag #This is why he almost lost the war #And the winning move was: #I'll throw myself at the problem and hope for the best #Chaos personified #I love him your honor #House of the Dragon #HotD #Daemon Targaryen #Rhaenyra Targaryen #Daemyra #Daenyra #Daemon x Rhaenyra #Rhaenyra x Daemon

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

oh boy i can't wait to sit down and eat my perfectly timed dinneraaand its 1 in the morning. Cool

#i was like 'ill cook myself some burgers and it should be around 11 when im done' #MF YOU STARTED COOKING AFTER MIDNIGHT. #time blindness! Time Blindness!!! #i guess i got a lil lost in the doodle sauce #boy i sure hope these turkey burgers cooked all the way. i got a lil impatient there #we'll find out! they better be good! #if i Die over not-good burgers im gonna be mad! #absolutely unprompted #it is so so so hot in my house #tis almost 2 am and its 75 degrees out jeebus criminyyyyyyy #being in the kitchen was like vacationing in hell

[moregraceful]

accidentally invented a new form of no bedtime called 11pm glass of emergency-c + 4pm latte + 8pm cup of black tea + 9pm cup of black tea

#the real question is can i go to church on less than 5 hours of sleep and still function lol #i unlocked my instagram bc church wouldn't stop tagging me to direct people to me for stuff but that meant i had to delete a bunch of pho #tos AND rewrite a bunch of captions for photos i didn't WANT to delete bc i was too mean to random sharks prospects #which is fine if it is u know the anonymity of tumblr but not public instagram where my church won't stop FULL NAMING AND TAGGING ME #''anonymity of tumblr'' i doxx myself on here like 80 times a day in front of more people than i went to college with #anyway my point is i was going through deleting all evidence of politics pens fandom and legal documents and i was like damn #my attitude towards my team SUCKS. i gotta be way less of a hater!!! #what did my prospects ever do wrong besides everything NOTHING. the system is BROKEN. i am sorry i will be so much nicer guys :( #also if u really want to be humbled. scrolling back to 2012 on your instagram and re-experiencing senior year of college. BAD #i've deleted i think everything that would reasonably get our nonprofit status pulled but what a horrific journey it was #two full hockey intermission periods of deleting shit plus another hour at home doing several more passes and then rewriting captions #so that some poor 21 year old prospect randomly searching their name doesn't see me full ass call their teammate cringe #their teammate IS cringe. but i love him. but the nuances are lost on instagram people don't understand these things they take everything #at face value #don't know why i just assigned shakir mukhamadullin they/them pronouns #i think i need to go lie in bed with a blanket over my head until i suffocate #this ALWAYS happens i get too hype about mackenzie blackwood and start listening to selena gomez and then it's like almost 3am and i'm just #fresno oilers.txt #oh and. a friend sent me screenshots of the girl she's been flirting with on a dating app and they are SOOOOO cute #i hope they make a good run of it i really do bc it was SO cute. living vicariously through episcopalian lesbians as one does #but then i was trying to figure out how to edit my dating app profile to dissuade chasers but still honeytrap guys who are tall enough #or athletic enough to pick the tangerines at the top of the tangerine tree. bc i couldn't reach this week #but there were still like god maybe 150 tangerines on the tree. i was like this could be feeding people but i'm TOO SHORT #and my life will be like this. FOREVER #icb the future of this garden is so psychologically burdensome that i'm having to build it into a dating app profile lol #well now that i'd treated this entire tag set as twitter for and hour and a half #time to go try to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and then wake up in [checks notes] four hours

[kozidraws]

.

#gonna ramble about irl here so people don't have to read it unless they want to #so because I got covid and couldn’t leave my bed I've essentially lost my job #I've told my manager I'm okay to go back to work #even if my body is still sore #but she's only given me a 3 hour shift a week #and you guessed it! #it's the late shift #the one where it takes me almost 2 hours to get home from #she's being so petty with me #and I am so behind in rent #I've applied for government assistance and I have a meeting with them tomorrow #I really hope they can help because I feel awful #I'm also annoyed at myself because I can't find my knee brace ANYWHERE #I thought I could find one for around $10 but nope! #the closest stores selling them are like $25+ so that's fun #I don't know when I'll be able to draw again #I'm so stressed again about money and secueing work #hopefully once I can get govt assistance at least I can enjoy life again #also I tried to ask the zine that still owes me money if they could finally send payment but they still keep delaying it with excuses #I'm so desperate it's shameful

[penrose-quinn]

I hope my three day trip with my friends will finally put my mind at peace. I just feel so lonely...

#pen rambles #not the kind of lonely i'm missing out on ppl #more like the kind of lonely i enjoy this one thing by myself #it's probably my fault for keeping my hopes up for a bit #and yes i'm being v dramatic for still getting hung up on it #i don't really have another place to vent on this (and i really hope this is the last from here) #a part of me wants to blame something #i think it's lame and tiring going back to 'gl chp 11 must be that bad' and dragging myself down bc of the lack of reception #but i wouldn't feel this way if i didn't care a lot abt it #i still love that chapter #i still love gl a lot #it got me through rough times. i almost lost my job bc of my health issues #and i couldn't stop writing for it even when commuting got so bad or i couldn't sleep or eat properly for days #so if you love it so much why can't you just suck it up and be content with that? #i'm trying really haha #it just gets lonely loving it sometimes #esp when you decide to share it #i always feel like i'm talking to myself (which isn't very far off tbh) #i'm still going to write but i just hope this feeling wears off soon #okay! i'm done whining and i'll be disappearing again

[spacepunksupreme]

was just going through my inventory for my next festival and realized my Texas Chainsaw Massacre sparkle illustration is missing :( either I dropped Bubba somewhere by accident or someone swiped him off my table last time I was selling :(

#I was really satisfied with that one. I had considered keeping him for myself so it's very sad to me he's lost without even any profit :( #I almost hope he was stolen cuz then at least whoever has him loves him and really wanted him #hannah is talking

[insanityisfine]

.

#this is a wonderful place to forget reality for a while #maybe it's because it's the only one where I feel truly anonymous in but it feels #liberating #in a way #I'll just vent a bit because I need it right now #we lost my grandma a few days ago #and because this country is a goddamn tasteless joke! #we can only hold her funeral wednesday #and I've learnt a couple things about myself in the mean time #I knew my pragmatism overrid everything else in short term emergencies #but turns out #it holds out almost indefinitely #I'm well aware that once the funeral is over I'll break and I'll break like crystal #but until then #I'm out here #going on like my world hasnt fundamentally changed qnd been Turned upside down #I just hope it can hold out until after my mum has her breakdown #both of us down will be #it will be bad

[dragonanon]

Tfw when you're trying to limit the amount of calories you're eating, and you realize just how absurdly high calorie most things are.

#i'm trying to lose weight with the guidance of doctor by taking an appetite suppressant and eating fewer calories #it's working pretty good so far but im refusing to get my hopes up too much #i've only been taking the medicine and limiting my calories for less than 2 weeks and i've already lost almost 8 and a half pounds #i don't have a specific weight goal in mind so much as i want to be losing weight instead of gaining #at minimum i'm making sure to eat at least 1200 calories a day but no more than 1500 calories a day #this is mostly because i've read that the minimum amount you need to eat to avoid your metabolism slowing down is 1200 calories a day #the medicine has actually also been helping my ADHD some as my brain feels more....put together if that makes sense #i'm mostly just distraught because i fucking LOVE mcdonald's breakfast sandwiches but they're all like at least 400 calories #this means if i want to keep my intake low i'll need to stop buying breakfast from mcdonalds #i can be convinced to do just about anything if you offer me an sausage egg mcmuffin sandwich #it's hard and there's no way i'd be able to do this without the medicine #but at the same time i'm just so sick of being fat and not being able to wear certain clothes or do certain things because of it #i love myself i really do but i know deep down i can't keep living like this if i ever want to truly feel confident in my appearance

[spikes-got-anger-issues]

Becoming obsessed with a new show is so insane like I'm not even finished with S1 of LR but here I am sitting with a 17,200+ word outline of a fic that isn't even half conceptualized along with five other +2,500 word outlines that also aren't half conceptualized and about 25+ fic ideas jotted down in my notes. I'm feeling completely normal about Lab Rats 🫶

#and ngl I feel nervous to even potentially share these some day if I even continue writing #I say that because I wrote a few pics for my other fandom but then I just lost motivation to write when I became less obsessed with the sho #but I'm not even knee deep into LR and now I have all these fic ideas so I'm hoping my motivation won't fail me now #not to mention almost all of these pics involve a somewhat obscure character *cough cough* look at url *cough cough* that from what- #I've seen the fandom feels iffy about that character so it's honestly just me writing fanfics for myself if I think about it tbh #but I love angst and he has such good angst potential and yeah he's not well written and is honestly a comedic relief character in a way #but I have notes on him and think he's an interesting concept and he could have been so much more (and better written in S3 & 4) #oh yeah I have a lot ideas for art stuff too it's just that I need to practice more before I feel comfortable enough to put stuff on here #anyways if anyone read my tags here's a gold star for reading my crazed thoughts ⭐️ #personal

[mechawolfie]

this morning the brain is 'christ why am I still alive'-ing but it's alright bc I remember I have my wonderful friends and communities as well as the videogame palia as well as the five tabs I have open of tfwiki pages relating to the autobot jazz

#smudgy.txt #these r the things keeping me afloat right now #i went thru so many years alone and my heart is still learning that im not alone anymore and dont need to ache so much anymore #i also remember i have the hope of starting hrt #sometimes i fear what life would have been like had i not forced myself to seek mental help those few years ago #i was in so much pain before it felt like it was rottibg me from the inside out #but now at least it doesnt feel so choking anymore and i can stand #i can stand and almost see the horizon #......zero dawn. i lost my train of thought fuckin ghell 😡

[da-proti-toku-grem]

i swear i think i can't do this anymore

#today i have practices again #this time it's physics #and i just can't #i swear i don't have the strength to do anything right now #and then when i get out of here i have to go see my therapist #i just started going (today it's the second time i'm going) #and i really hope it's going to help me in some way bc the only thing i want to do right now is go to bed and cry #i've spent the entire last week crying so much that i almost lost my voice #i keep getting sick all the time #which is weird because i usually only get sick 3-4 times a year #and i've gotten sick more than 6 times over the last few months #i just want to drop everything #i don't want to continue studying this #but i have to #at least until i decided what i'd like to do #but i have NO F*ING IDEA of what i'd like to do #i just don't find anything that makes me want to do something #i don't have any ambitions or hobbies like everyone else has #and i just don't know what to do with my life and i'm no f*ing scared and mad at myself #why can't i just choose something #i've looked at a thousand different options but i just don't like anything #and i'm so frustrated and just ughhhhhhhhh #i just want my practices to be over but then i have to study and do my projects and......... #i swear i can't #i just did an exam for which i hadn't even studied (not even a little bit) and i don't even care that i 100% failed it #i just don't have the energy to even care about that #venting #maca speaks

[luffysbasement]

hello, i'm finally distancing myself from mcyt :]

it's been really fun!! i loved drawing for everyone, for my interest and esp just interacting with you all. this fandom brought me my friends and different experiences and emotions that are rly unforgettable but i think it's time. thank you for everything, i appreciate you all! ♡♡ pls do stay safe and take care of yourselves!

(my art will remain here ofc but i will most likely be turning this blog into how it was before, multifandom, personal and just a bunch of whatever!)

#the shorter version is the post #ill be here in the tags to talk more :] #honestly im pretty grey on the situation and im just rly waiting for whats gonna happen #thats not why im leaving (mostly) i think its abt time to accept im getting tired of how the experience is of being a drm stan #i loved the man i rly do hes been with me for the entire pandemic him and his videos helped me get through it #but its kind of a bummer that just by being a fan u get exposed to antis and their nonstop scheme of just starting up shit #and that everytime something new comes up you keep hoping its just an accusation but at the same time u feel terrible and anxious anyway #ive alrdy distanced myself from twt and by extension even tumblr bc i thought if i just keep drawing and not looking at my socials those #dramas wont reach me (they still do and it sucks lol but i did get a peace of mind just being free of social media) #at some point i started losing interest in mcyt in general the only thing keeping me was drm not even mccs nor other ccs rly just drm #but then recent thing happened and yeah :/ idk what to think im lost and honestly just tired of stuff like this #thats the final straw i think i dont rly want my mental health tearing up over whether to worry abt things i alrdy stress over abt (w the #college and family stuff) and freaking minecraft youtubers fandom #i think whatever the outcome is im just over it if drm comes out innocent i dont think i can let go of him yet #so ill prob still be checking up on hm and watching him by myself #if not then thats that. #stilli cant deny the fact that it rly has been an amazing two almost three years #i hope you all stay safe and takecare of yourselves ♡ #if anyone still wants to see my art im just hanging out in my onepiece sideblog lol @/luffysbasement

[samwisefamgee]

the 20 dollar pair of throwaways I got for my sister's wedding were perfect for the like 7 hours I got them for but are really not perfect for like anything else ever

#i mean the WERE 20 dollars thats how it works but ya know #ive had to use them while walking around to do errands and not gonna lie wish i hadnt tossed the old busted pair #they were pretty far past done for but these things have given me. SO many blisters and i kinda just gotta keep goin #woulda taken the duct tape pair. shoulda just kept the duct tape pair #i seriously need to get some actual nice walking shoes but that would necessitate having more than 50 dollars at one point ever #and im outta weed lmao i had to bust out the emergency stash from the junk drawer #you know cause i get to where im sleeping and the ouch oof ache of my badshoes leaves me wanting a poofer choofer #its a cycle but ive been in worse cycles #if my mental health were also at an especially low point during all this i dont even KNOW what id be doing lol #i walkked. over 17 miles the other day in a haze of self harm after more bullshit happened and lost my wallet during the walk. #not a fun 6 miles of backtracking. drank outta someones hose once and the river twice to stave the clearly onsetting dehydration. didnt die! #found the wallet. drank maybe more water than i ever have in one moment when i passed the library and absorbed their entire drinking font #anyway my legs/knees were ruined and i almost sent myself to the hospital again cause i cant make bad decisions normal i get weird about it #but hey if a very specific set of circumstances fall into place maybe i wont be broke and just generally all around unwell goin forward #heres hoping it does before student loan payments roll round again lol

[cloneboywonder]

I almost accidentally texted my boss that “it’s so hard being a teenage girl in her 20s” :-(

#I also almost told her I couldn’t come in bc I couldn’t trust myself to keep up my little work persona #but I also powered through and didn’t say that #I could’ve tho she doesn’t care what I say #idk I called off summer school this week and like my bad bc I did in fact sign up to do it 💀 but dear god I would die if I lost it #I haven’t cried at this job yet (outside of injury but thats legal crying 🙏) and I will not be breaking my streak #it’s fine we were way over staffed to begin with and half the kids have job placements so like I’d be bored out of my mind anyway #I’m just going to go back to sleep and then go see my mom #I hope Andy printed my little pieces for my costume but when I asked him last night he kept being like ohhh I lose the blah blah #you’re missing parts 😐 of my 600 dollar printer 😐 that I left with you because you said you’d take care of it if I let you use it 😐 #ough it’s fine if there any more problems then idk Lydia’s GODD at problem solving and she will be here tomorrow night well at midnight we #so we are probs just coming right home and going to sleep but we have 2 days to get crisis work done if we have to #I’m so lonely I’m going back to sleep #my apologies to my students lol #I HEART 8 AM PERSONAL DIARY POSTING I’m getting such a good grade from my doctor when I tell her #my posts

[lunarsapphism]

.

#found a picture of me in a dress from last year #and realized i tried that dress on the other day and have a photo that looks almost exactly like it #same pose and everything #checked the date and realized that i took them (unknowingly) almost exactly one year apart. the difference is only like two or three days #and its just weird cause like. ive lost a fairly significant amount of weight since then #and what they dont tell you about growing up not skinny is that if you do lose weight at some point and become smaller #it doesnt necessarily feel good?? yknow? like in your brain i mean. #i feel so incredibly weird about it. especially seeing the side by side. #and its also not that i think that i wasnt pretty even though i was not confident in myself at all. cause i was! i think i was at least #and i think im pretty now too. but i think the feeling of weirdness comes from the fact that most people would look at those photos and go #'oh you look so much better/healthier now!' or something along those lines. #like other people would see me now as an improvement rather than the exact same guy just at a different stage in my life #does that make sense?? i hope so #its hard to convey this idea #idk. its weird. i like the way i fit into clothes better and i like the way my body handles my chronic pain a bit better now #but i feel a lot of guilt for thinking that way because i have quite literally never looked like this before #and if im happiest with the way i look now then what does that mean for the body i had my whole life before this? makes me sad a bit :( #ive always wanted to love every version of myself #but god it is so hard to do that when fatphobia is raging and rampant literally everywhere #aiilov-personal