#i am so tired and so alone and i am so stressed out abt uni and i always feel like i am seconds away from sobbing or throwing up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cocona · 4 years

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anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

#general tw ig #dnt rb #uhm tw suicide anxiety depression hospitals medication drugs alcohol school assault #ig #idk i forgot how to tag tws

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woozi · 3 years

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henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

#🪂 anon #anon #y.ask #long post

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syhklvr · 4 years

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:> hey

i finished my highscool , 4 months ago ! received our spm result last march . honestly , it’s fine . although i broke down at the end of the day while comforting someone else hahaha . i don’t really have a plan for future .... probably continue pre-u , then go to uni ( tesl ) . but........ a part of me kinda ...... don’t rly wanna be a teacher haha . i think ...... a graphic designer ? video editor ? film making staff ? idk ........ it seems fun ,, but it felt like my future isn’t guaranteed ? im so scared of not being able to be financially stable ,,,,, at least when im 25 . i don’t wanna keep using & depend on my parents money . they’ll retire soon ,, it’s time for me to provide for them :D okay . i was actually wanna write about my 2 years experience at my new school , as a highschooler :) ( 16 & 17 ) i do act on whim , and i don’t really think of the consequences ........ of the choice ........ haha . sometimes i think it turns out to be a great thing and sometimes it’s not really ..... a good habit ..... :)))

2018 : form 4 ( 16 years old )

that year was ....... hectic .. weird , sad , funny ,,,,, fun ..... and pretty much meh .i got into new school , new friends , new people , new surrounding , pretty much a brand new life . it was good ,,, because i have few of my friends from elementary school :D i was really bad at making friends , starting conversation , i am a total noob hahaaaaaaaa . i also joined drama club , and made close friends ( that period of time ) participated the competition ( and of course we won lol ) that was such a great memory , made me hope for great things on my new school . hehe . also joined scrabble ( which we didn’t win ) cuz hell yeah , zero experience , zero skills , sloppy vocab and haaahaha zero preparation . ALSO!! i took art for spm!! which i never expected , i never know art exist for spm ............ haha ....... it was fun!!!!!!! super fun ..... my classmates , was SUPER & so fun! i don’t know ........ but yeah , we fought , haha a lot , esp with the boys . the class was noisy ,,, which was kinda........bothering sometimes but also ... fun ? idk . maybe back then i was irritated but yknow now when i reminisce back .... it was totally a fun time . among the three classes we were the least serious , play a lot , noisy , not-really-favoured by the teachers haha . well , our class passed 100% for spm !!!!!!! and 2 ppl from our class got A+ for eng !!!!!!!! anddddd .... tautan kasih ,,, raya stuff haha ........ it was . fun? idk .... i also broke up that year haha . its sooooooo funny thinking it back :))) im so weird hahahahshshshshs . anyway ........ that year was so bittersweet . taught me alot , i missed my old school , but .... i think i liked here better ..... or i don’t even know haha . honestly i can’t really recall that much memories from my previous school . my memory is BAD . it’s not that my previous school wasn’t fun .. but on 2017 i got into so much trouble ( which not caused by me duh , i was dragged to it ) i was so stressed , depressed & i never felt so scared + insecure my whole life ....... than that year .... haha .......... i know ... that school is great & fun ... but maybe the memories were wiped out .... due to the stress .. i just trying to forget ... u know .. haha ........

2019 ????

fun!!!!!!!!stressed!!!!!!!!! misunderstanding with friends occur a lot this year . it’s just a bad timeeeee ..... became a bit productive... maybe . cause its spm year ......i got a great dorm ,, + fun roommate !!!!!!! shoutout to putssss :D miss u huhu . tipula if i say i never felt left out from my friends , i do . haha . i thought a lot last year about friends.....also i cry a LOT . like approx. 4 times a week??? my feelings were also went roller coaster . this day i like him , yesterday i like him less , the next day i like him a lot . some day i felt like i don’t even want to look at his face hahahaha . funny ?? maybe . i don’t ... know lol . i cant say i like him cause i hate giving hopes & im just noncommittal . im so sorry ... yeah to you ..... its just a long way ....... and im afraid i forget u the next day ....... actually me myself hate to hope ....... i just .. wanna be alone rn haaha. relationship is.......ill think abt tht later ....... im healing ....... and fixing myself . learning loving myself ...... first ... maybe .. later ?? lover??? single is fun ...... right??? though i feel lonely sometimes but its better than having someone u need to be fully committed everyday .... im tired of loving people rn hhahahahah . im just so tired rn .......... i cant type anymore.........i dont know what to typeeeeeee . im tiredddddddd my hands are numbbbbb .. im supposed to write abt 2019 but i can barely recall anything///////// im just losttttttt hahahahhah ok ill see u laater!!!!!!!! ill write more .......... soon :D bye xx

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caesuraes · 7 years

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i had my first panick attack the day after my eighteenth birthday

how fucking ironic is that

i was alone at home, and i couldn’t breathe properly, i was straight up crying my eyeballs out and hyperventilating, my stamach was hurting and i felt really nauseous. i felt so tired afterwards and so lonely, and i wanted to talk to someone but i thought “who would give a shit abt that lmao” and just gave up. i still had classes to attend to later.

it had been building up all week. worst part was, what triggered it was an audio program we had to deliver on the tenth. i was the editor. i edited it, had to send it to everyone. google drive took half an hour to do it aND, when i was uploading it, people in my group said it needed to be delivered at 3pm -- when everyone thought we could give it to the teacher at 5pm. i freaked out because i thought my internet had gone down (the only tab working was the google drive one, but i couldnt use wifi, no other pages were loading, etc, and i thought -- what if it isnt loading at all????) and i.... was trying to keep my cool but suddenly it just happened and i was so scared and i still had to update my group on it, while it felt my heart was going to pop out of my chest or something

i don’t think i’ve cried like that in my entire life -- the full on screaming/sobbing thing, and i... couldn’t stop? everytime i felt like i was calming down, anything just made me cry all over again and it was awful

WORST PART? MY PART DID OKAY, but literally the girl that HADNT DONE ANYTHING UNTIL THEN only had to write down what was said in the program SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, JUST DIDNT MOTHERFUCKING DO IT, when we still had like, an hour???????? SHE COULDNT LISTEN TO A MOTHERFCUKING 15 MINUTE THING AND WRITE IT DOWN IN 50 MINUTES

aparenttly, half of the grade of the entire BIMESTER was gone. because of 1 stupid, irresponsible/incompetent hoe. minor detail? she’s my fried. she has been screwing me over in group projects FOR MORE THAN A YEAR NOW. i legit am so tired of everyone coming up to me and saying how stressed they feel, how anxious they are, how exhausted, when i’m literally babying everyone for more than a year, carrying them on back, exhausting myself over and over because i have to do my job+everyone elses. i have to care about everyone else’s mental health, i’m aways supporting my friends the best way i can, but when i am clearly out of it, exhausted, burnt out, having panick attacks and shit, no one gives a single fuck. honestly, i’m just done and i really can’t stand uni, it’s teachers and it’s people anymore.

#personal #long af #negativity tw

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