#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted
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guess who has to get up in two hours babeyy
#im so tired but i literally can not fall asleep#tomorrow's going to be all nonsense i hope youre ready#tonight its just I Sound So Drained#tomorrow? either completely ecstatic and/or absolutely wilding (at least until 6pm hits. and then its back to Sad Hours)#bc whenever i dont sleep those sad hours hit like. 3 hours early?#jestersvaguely#gahh im going feral#the one night i actually /want to sleep/ early and i stay up until 2am. ok.#i tried resting around 8. i stayed away from technology for a whole 3 hours. and then i watched a 1 hour video#and then i tried again to sleep#but i Could Not#so now i'm here. suffering.#FUCK and tomorrow's the collective test day for honors classes#this is fine ill just. yknow. d*e#id write but whenever i try to think of words my mind just kind of blanks#wym those are actual things with meanings and not just random symbols put together carelessly#yeah im rambling here. yeah i can't put words together. we exist#idk!!!!!!!!! tonight ive been Sad . and it just really hit hard#so now we're out here. like this.#if my friends r reading this i just want to let u know its not that ur boring me its just that im emotionally exhausted + cant sleep#the only reason i manage to sound semi in tune w my normal self here is bc its easier to put up the act when u feel ur talking to no one#which is Basically what personal tumblr posts are
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Hey, uh idk if I asked this already but can you do a Hatsuharu x Reader based on episode 4 season 2 of Fruits Basket? Because, in that episode Hatsuharu had his meltdown. But instead of him having a meltdown because of Rin it’s because you two and dating and had an argument? And uhm basically instead of him grabbing Tohru, he grabs you. And Kyo like punches him bc y’all are good friends~ and the ending is all fluffy and him apologizing for the argument or whatever. (Sorry if this is confusing)~~
Choose Me
Anime: Fruits Basket
Pairing: Soma Hatsuharu x Reader
Overview: Hatsuharu has been spending a lot of time with Rin making you, his girlfriend, jealous ending up with a huge rampage.
Note: I KNOW YOU SAID INSTEAD OF RIN IT SHOULD BE THE READER BUT I THINK IT'S CUTER THIS WAY. I hope you don't mind~ PLUS IM DONE WITH ALL THE REQUIREMENTS AND IM STILL STUDYING BUT THIS IS SUCH A CUTE REQUEST AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WRITE IT. I love Hatsuharu so much.
•-–-•
You really understand Hatsuharu's relationship with Rin. Maybe, a little too much. You were there for him afterall, helping him cope up with her behaviour, letting him cry on you, you supported Hatsuharu. You love him.
You grew to love him just by being together with him was enough for you so when Hatsuharu confessed he too, fell for you, you couldn't believe it, until his lips touched yours, cloud of smoke blinded your eye, laughing as you stared at his Ox form.
You knew Hatsuharu would need a lot of time to fully move on from Rin so you were okay with letting Hatsuharu settle the phase for your relationship.
Lately, Hatsuharu has been spending less time with you to take care of Rin who once again, escaped from the hospital. You didn't mind how he would abruptly go to her side, you didn't mind how he called you to cancel your plans with a short apology, you didn't mind if he kept choosing her over you.
That is before you reached your tipping point.
When Hatsuharu went back to your shared apartment, he really just wanted to sleep. Rin's words continued to ring in his ear, he is beyond exhaustion. He is not in the right state to hear your complaints.
"So, I just want to have your time! I bought us some tickets to th-" "God, can you just please shut up!"
Hatsuharu glared at you, slamming his bag across the room. Your throat suddenly became dry, hands balled into a fist. Hatsuharu immediately wanted to punch himself for bursting on you like that, he was just so annoyed but even he, himself knew it was not a good excuse.
"(y/n)..." He fumbled on his words, what can he say in a situation like this? He wanted to comfort you, his hands were shaking. Wiping the tears from your eyes, you walked passed him and entered the bedroom, leaving Hatsuharu to contemplate on his actions.
"Fuck.." He clicked his tongue.
Hatsuharu grabbed a bottle of water and drank to calm himself down. When he heard the door opened, he turned around and was ready to apologise but his eyes trailed to the duffel bag you were carrying.
"Where are you going?" He questioned softly, even if he already knew the answer. He was hoping it wasn't what he was thinking. "Away." You smiled at him, masking your emotions like you always did.
"Let's break up, Haru. No, Sohma-kun." Hatsuharu's eyes widened, speechless. You took his silence as a que to leave. Mustering up all your strength, you grabbed the doorknob, twisting it to open the door. Hatsuharu acted fast, he slammed the door close, trapping you against it.
"No. You're not going anywhere! C-Can't we fix this?" His voice cracked, he can't let you leave him. You were the only one who understood him, only one who accepted him as a whole! "Please...(y/n)..." Tears streamed down his face, the sight of him broke you more, you had to be strong. Cupping his face, you wiped his tears, trying to soothe him.
"I'm sorry Haru. You kept on choosing her and I kept on choosing you." Biting your lip, you kissed his forehead, Hatsuharu melted against your touch.
"Let me choose myself this time."
Hatsuharu felt like time slowed down as you slipped away from his grasp.
The door closed and he broked down.
He hasn't heard from you for a week.
It was difficult to be away from him, everything just screamed for you to go back and wrap your arms around him. You stayed with Kyo for the mean time, telling them that your apartment was undergoing a few construction and Hatsuharu decided to stay at the main state.
They really didn't question you a lot, you were that good at lying and hiding plus they are your friends too. You continued on with your life, trying to distract yourself. You were currently asked to bring some materials to Tohru's room. "Oh, (y/n)! That looks heavy!" She mused, standing up to help you settle the materials on the teacher's desk.
You stayed for a while, laughing at how they teased Kyo with Tohru. Sometimes you just want to smack the two at how oblivious these two are to their feelings. Seeing them, reminded you of Hatsuharu. Your heart dropped, spacing out of the window, you wondered if he's doing well.
There's something off about the day, you just felt anxious, like something bad is going to happen.
"Oh, Haru turned dark and is currently on a rampage during the homeroom!" Momiji grinned. "What? Why didn't you say earlier!?" You and the others dashed out of the room, bumping towards several people.
You could hear him breaking the windows, the other students and teacher were ourside frightened. You entered the room, everything was a mess.
Kyo immediately tried to talk some sense into him. "Shut up stupid cat. You're very existence causes trouble for us, all! Stupid cat!" His remarked annoyed Kyo immediately.
"Haru, I don't know why you're causing a rampage, but you shouldn't do that here." Hatsuharu clicked his tongue. You knew this was your fault, you knew why he was angry. Seeing him at this state, made you doubt if your decision was right. "Princess Yuki is such a worry-wart. Afraid I'll accidentally transform on my rampage?" His eyes met yours, a frown replacing his smirk.
"What? You're here? How lame." You stepped closer, hands up in surrender. "Haru, stop it. Calm down." Your voice angered him even more. "Stupid. Stupid. So damn, stupid! You're so twitchy, you'll feel a lot better if everyone would know." He reached out to you, grabbing your arm roughly.
"H-Haru...it hurts..." His grip around you tightened, pulling you closer until Kyo punched him. "I don't care what's your problem but is that how you should treat your girl?!" Kyo placed you behind him, shielding you from Hatsuharu.
"What's it to you? She's not my girl anymore." Hatsuharu's words struck you, you felt yourself losing your composure. "Oh I see. You went for the kitty cat didn't you? I shou-" You cut him off with a slap. His cheeks immediately became swollen, everyone stood shocked at the scene. "Enough, Haru..." You walked out of the room, eyes following you everywhere.
Your steps became faster as the time passed, slowly turning into a full sprint. You didn't know where you were going, you just wanted to get out of there.
The teacher managed to settle the issue down by pouring water to both of them, calming Hatsuharu in a snap. After some counselling, Hatsuharu met up with the others, apologizing for his behavior before noticing you were not there. "Where's (y/n)?" He managed to choke out, it was clear to them that he was very anxious.
"She ran out and we haven't seen her since earlier." Tohru answered, fidgeting, not knowing how he would react.
Hatsuharu excused himself, wanting to look for you. You couldn't have gotten that far, he knows you enough to know where you would go. He reached the door to the rooftop, staring at it blankly. You were crying, he was sure of it, so why can't he just open the damn door?
He was scared.
Scared of what you would say to him, scared to lose you more.
"Triple shit." He cussed, letting the door open, hands shielding his eyes from bright rays. He immediately saw you sitting down, music blasting through your phone.
Your eyes were closed but you knew he was there, a shadow loomed over you. You refused to open your eyes, you too were afraid.
Is this what happens when you fall inlove? Is this what love really is? To be afraid of one another yet still want to cling to one another even knowing the fact that they can hurt you anytime?
Hatsuharu doesn't care about anything anymore, he can't let you go, he could never let you go. You were more important to him, he was just selfish. He couldn't let go of the past but he wants a presen and a future with you.
Hatsuharu is more than willing to put his past behind and put you first, that's what he realised during those days of solitude.
He grabbed your arm, pulling you closer to him, still being wary of not hugging you to close in order to prevent himself from transforming despite how startled you were. "Haru...?" You whispered, hands automatically finding its way around his body.
"Ah, I know now.." He smiled, enjoying the way your body tangled. "Home. I never realised it before. (y/n), you're my home." He buried his head against your neck, letting himself succumb to your scent.
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for not being a good boyfriend. I know, I don't deserve you but you can count on me to make me deserve you, if you let me. Will you let me back?" You stared at him, nodding softly, before leaning in for a kiss.
Hatsuharu pulled you closer, his hand behind your head, deepening the kiss. It was desperate but passionate, the two of you missed each other. You love him, even if it hurts.
But is it really love if it doesn't hurt at all?
Your back was against the concrete, Hatsuharu straddled you, pinning you down as he continued to place kissed along your neck. "H-Haru! We can't do this he-ahh." Smirking upon seeing the purple hue on your neck, you smacked his chest. "But (y/n), let me show you how much I love you." He pouted, why did he have to be cute. Your fingeres played with his two-colored hair, you're really an idiot to this idiot.
"Yeah, yeah. Save it in closed doors will 'ya?" You stiffened, seeing Kyo and Yuki in the other side with a small tint of pink dusted on their cheeks. You immediately became flustered unlike Hatsuharu who calmly complained. "You guys are a cockblocker."
Tohru peered in, confused at why they are standing si stiffly. "Kyo? Yuki? Did you find the-" "IDIOT! DON'T LOOK!"
Hatsuharu had to leave to continue talking with his parents. He got suspended for a week while you were "sick" for a week as well.
Hatsuharu made it up to you for a whole week, assuring you that you will now be his first choice. You didn't have to worry about Rin anymore becuase everytime he needed to visit her, it was with you. He would always shield you if things became a little complicated, covering your ears when she said spiteful words, making me drag you out. That was the last time he visited Rin.
Now he's very clingy to you! Devoting his time and energy to you and only you. "(y/n), why are you too close with Yuki. I don't like it." Hatsuharu held you close, glaring at Yuki who just let out a sigh.
"Love birds."
#fruits basket#kyo sohma#yuki sohma#hatsuharu sohma x reader#haru x reader#fruits basket scenarios#fruits basket x reader
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Did work go ok? ): im so sorry you had to do it on no sleep
ok i ate now so i feel a little more focused LMAO
anyway the fucking weird thing is it wasnt even a bad day?? it was just fucking bizarre. i think i was just barely keeping it together so things that wouldve been frustrating or red flags about the job were just fucking HYSTERICAL to me
some highlights included:
- literally EVERYTHING that was supposed to be prepared for my arrival (my email, some software im supposed to have access to, etc) was not ready. they had 2 weeks to get this shit ready. stuff that was supposed to take maybe 2 hours tops ended up taking the entirety of my shift. the guy training me ended up showing me how to do half the shit on HIS computer because we couldnt log me onto mine.
- my monitor being so fucked during a zoom call that it kept duplicating this one persons video onto other videos like a virus, and when i refreshed to fix it, not only did it start duplicating a DIFFERENT video, but it also broke the colors and started turning this dude purple and grey and the wall behind him green and red. i was shaking laughing the entire time and the guy training me just looked tired
- the automated door to the IT office locking us out. like the dude punched the numbers in and tried to open it and it just wouldnt budge. when someone inside tried to open it for us it STILL wouldnt open. we had to walk around to the other side and wait for someone to open THAT door, which was in another department so we had to wait until someone from that department noticed and let us in. this made what shouldve been a 5-10 minute process turn into an almost half hour long sojourn. the icing on that cake - and i shit u not - is that roughly 3 minutes after we finally got inside, someone else tried the door from the inside and it opened just fine. incidentally i was chatting with my trainer during all that and now im pretty sure hes gay so thats nice LMAO
- because nothing was ready and i couldnt do much of anything, but also am not (technically) allowed to be on my phone, i spent the majority of my shift reading and rereading the company website. thats literally 80% of what i did for the entire 8 hour shift. i was exhausted and crosseyed by the end but hey i sure know their fucking insurance policies now (and theyre bad ♥)
- the piece de resistance for all of this: the reason everything was in such fucking disarray during my shift is because, apparently, the (unofficial?) head of IT quit out of the blue the day before and abandoned everything he was supposed to be doing, including processing my paperwork. no one outside of IT knew and i literally only found out bc i mentioned that he hadnt answered when id called him earlier, to which this other IT guy responded, "well, he quit yesterday, so. thats why."
in fairness to the dude who quit im sure the other IT employees could have done it on their own, but his quitting was really sudden and when i told my trainer what happened he got all sullen and was like "oh. okay... that makes a lot of sense." so i get the impression this dude was probably the backbone of the IT department and him leaving so abruptly really upended their whole shit fgjkdfg
thats not even all of the stuff that happened either. these are literally just the things i personally found the most fucking insane/the funniest. like... this was all my FIRST DAY bro LMAO
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no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3
admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.
thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?
also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.
im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!
also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.
gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨
ilyl ~ 🌻
thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you
HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes
aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd
oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.
why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??
ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!!
YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing
ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!!
ily <333
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so it turns out dangan ronpa’s School Mode is Not At ALL what i was expecting lmao
togami didnt wanna do karaoke with me :(
i thought it was just the free time events but there’s actually this whole convoluted AU backstory where monokuma gathers everyone to make The Announcement but then suddenly realizes he doesn’t have any backups and can’t possibly start the “real school life” without them, so everyone’s gotta help make more monokuma bots instead
DONT WORRY ABOUT IT
all the free time events are still the same as they would be in the regular game though so they kind of. fluctuate between knowing about the killing game and not knowing lmao
SO THEN THERES THIS WHOLE ABSOLUTE CHAOTIC MESS OF A CRAFTING MINIGAME :’) i legitimately thought this was a joke at first and im still not sure they didn’t make these menus look as absolutely confusing as possible on purpose
its not actually terribly difficult to figure out once you mess with it a while, essentially characters can either be assigned to cleaning or searching for supplies, the different areas are marked with what supplies you can get in them, if you dont let people rest when their energy gets low they collapse and cant work for a few days
like in theory i think i understand it but after the first couple tasks i just could NOT get enough materials no matter what i did so i have no IDEA how you’re supposed to go about this. i got it down to only two characters cleaning per day and still couldn’t get enough things. i do Not understand
im losing it at the little working sprites though look at them.... look at ishimaru with his little broom
everyone gets a pick axe when they’re gathering supplies for some reason (gotta... mine those textbooks out of the library. i guess) except asahina has like. a little shovel or something and i do not know why
sometimes characters get Super Energized for the day look at chihiro
out of CONTROL
VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT CLEANING
i fuckign killed yamada on accident like 3 times :’ )
you dont really have a hp bar or anything you just have like. “red” (high energy) / “yellow” (low energy) and blue/exhausted and most characters were fine working on days they were at yellow (they’d just have to rest the next day) but....yamada,
(i also killed hagakure on accident dont worry about it) the sleeping sprites are also rly cute but they felt the need to accentuate pixel asahina’s breasts for no reason. let her live
look at sakura’s level up sprite tho shes so happy......
yea
i m fuckign losing it this looks like something id write to mock him but this is a real thing byakuya togami actually said to me
i got all the pieces for this one and it ended up being whatever the fuck that is lmao i dont know if thats my fault somehow or if it just turns out like that nm what
then every day after the working minigame you get a free time session, where you can do the usual free time events BUT IT ALSO HAS
THIS THING?? WHERE YOU CAN GO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE AROUND THE SCHOOL WHICH IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT THING THAN THE FREE TIME EVENTS AND I CANNOT BELIEVE I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT IT??
ive actually seen some of the dialogue from these before but didnt know where it was/etc... every location has three dialogue options for naegi to suggest and every character responds differently i could potentially spend like, the rest of my life doing this,
i brought leon everywhere and then just started picking people at random after that (and i still havent done Every dialogue option with leon, just. one at each location)
leon... really likes naegi and it is very, very cute
i asked him about piercings and he got really fired up about giving naegi a makeover
he also gets very excited about capsule toy machines
monokuma is also just like, hanging out in the main hall with everyone else,
you can’t go on events with him but you can talk to him :’) he gives you a rating score thing for how much everyone likes you so far
can you TELL who was my first priority :’ )
i think this is based on the “trip tickets” scenes and not the free time event scenes bc i checked it again a little later
ishimaru SHOT up just from like, cleaning the library with me, and im upset,
meanwhile i did a bunch of asahina events and hers didnt go up at all
im dying though look at togami
i dont know how i even managed that one heart maybe its just a pity heart bc im trying so hard lmao i took him on several trip dates trying to figure out ANYTHING he responds positively to but i cant remember any other than the karaoke thing. i remember i took him to the dining hall and he was like “why would i care about cooking. chefs prepare food. thats how it works. im byakuya togami” and i remember taking him to the library but i forget what happened there. i think i suggested checking the back room and hes like “no, Commoners Like You aren’t prepared for that kind of thing” so mayb he gave me a heart for letting him show off how better than me he is or something
i m sorry does celeste have a fucking coffin in her room
goals
naegi likes video games, ishimaru does not understand the concept of things existing for purposes other than studying
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[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need
[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!
hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?
I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling
the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful
the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day
I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress
here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)
now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.
now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing
so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there
let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school
another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis
there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear
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1-100 TELL ME ALL
Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well
1. What is you middle name?
Jesse
2. How old are you?
22
3. When is your birthday?
dec 9
4. What is your zodiac sign?
sagittarius
5. What is your favorite color?
purples
6. What’s your lucky number?
9
7. Do you have any pets?
no
8. Where are you from?
bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia
9. How tall are you?
5 something
10. What shoe size are you?
7?
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
3 that i actually use
12. What was your last dream about?
i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post
13. What talents do you have?
i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline
14. Are you psychic in any way?
well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there
15. Favorite song?
for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I took all the colours
16. Favorite movie?
spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much
18. Do you want children?
not RIGHT NOW
19. Do you want a church wedding?
i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.
20. Are you religious?
yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
i got a parking ticket
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them
24. Baths or showers?
showers.
25. What color socks are you wearing?
alien socks that are green and black
26. Have you ever been famous?
no. what does that even mean !!!!
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them
28. What type of music do you like?
stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
no
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin
32. How big is your house?
BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people.
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
HELL no.
35. Have you ever tried archery?
in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.
36. Favorite clean word?
i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.
37. Favorite swear word?
bitch. its really fun to say.
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.
39. Do you have any scars?
yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
i believe so...
41. Are you a good liar?
yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.
42. Are you a good judge of character?
NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents
44. Do you have a strong accent?
i dont know how to answer this
45. What is your favorite accent?
idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them
46. What is your personality type?
that.... INFJ. see. psychic
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
one of the gay jackets
48. Can you curl your tongue?
dont think so
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
innie
50. Left or right handed?
left
51. Are you scared of spiders?
depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free
52. Favorite food?
tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish
53. Favorite foreign food?
idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
clean
55. Most used phrased?
“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot
56. Most used word?
I
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min
58. Do you have much of an ego?
i do, but i hide it.
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.
60. Do you talk to yourself?
yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work
61. Do you sing to yourself?
nah
62. Are you a good singer?
no. i can sing and it sound okay. nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.
63. Biggest Fear?
someone dying, natural disaster, new illness
64. Are you a gossip?
maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those
66. Do you like long or short hair?
BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.
68. Favorite school subject?
ART ART AR T
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
introerverte
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
no
71. What makes you nervous?
people who are not Definitely Cheerful
72. Are you scared of the dark?
no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL
74. Are you ticklish?
depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok......
77. Have you ever drank underage?
no
78. Have you ever done drugs?
no
79. Who was your first real crush?
someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE
80. How many piercings do you have?
two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries
81. Can you roll your Rs?“
hell yes
82. How fast can you type?
so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast
83. How fast can you run?
IM VERY FAST
84. What color is your hair?
orange
85. What color is your eyes?
green
86. What are you allergic to?
im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives
87. Do you keep a journal?
yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures
88. What do your parents do?
my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky
89. Do you like your age?
sure
90. What makes you angry?
everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger.
91. Do you like your own name?
YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
yeah, i want a boy a girl
94. What are you strengths?
my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles
95. What are your weaknesses?
the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea
96. How did you get your name?
i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school
98. Do you have any scars?
weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon
99. Color of your bedspread?
pink, white, blue
100. Color of your room?
white
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mmmm boyo was supposed to go out clubbing w my new friend from ireland tonight but i ditched last second as in,, got to the door and said “sorry lads im too sick im gonna go home” and now!! mm boy big regrets!! listen objectively i kno from experience i find clubbing stressful and awful and its never gonna b a good fit for me but counterpoint: 1) that was a shitty thing to do, i made a new friend and now she’s got a rly good reason to be upset at me, 2) it could have been a rly good night! like theres a possibility i wouldve got on rly well with her friends and had lots of fun and now ill never know! and 3) ive spent the whole day bordering on the whole week feelign anxious and lonely and spare and yet at the first sign of an actual invite to hang out w people who wanted me there i panicked and bailed. im on exchange overseas for context, not that anyone’s reading this, but there u go, and im at the Bad part a few wks in where im both doing too much and meeting too many people while also doing not enough of either of those things. i know this. i know this was supposed to be a shitty time. but u kno what!! it was shitty last wk and now i think its just getting shittier!! this wasnt on the shittiness schedule!! im both craving and desperate for human contact and utterly exhausted and irritated by the prospect of getting it. every interaction w people here feels Wrong and difficult and increasingly annoying bc im starting from scratch every single time, and still feel like im getting nowhere and ive ended up w 600 000 polite friendly acquaintances and no one i actually feel relaxed around. and yet!! by the same token!! somehow its also an immense effort even to talk to the people im already friends with!! im feeling more and more distant and isolated from ppl back home and yet the concept of picking up my phone to tell them how im going is so completely exhausting and unappealing. i dont WANT to go to the effort of talking i just want to be comfortably Around other people, or i want to be a better more capable more easy-talking person who can easily keep contact w the people around me without feeling anxious abt talking or typing a message. and now im getting feelings like those relationships didnt actually run that deep in the first place, that im gonna go back and its gonna be the same thing in reverse when i realise i dont actually connect that well with ANYONE bc if i did well !! wouldnt this whole situation not have happened in the first place!! am i really that close w my parents after all? if i was wouldnt i want to talk to them more? wouldnt i be keeping them in my loops and not being exhausted by the feeling of Putting On A Talking Face just to tell them abt my day? do i actually rly even have close friends?? since i feel guilty both abt not talkign to them enough and guilty when i talk to them at all?? these are dumb questions with irrational answers but everything is hard!! fuck im stressed!! im lonely!! even this is just a grab for people to pay attention to me in the hope ill experience some real genuine human connection without actually having to have a conversation with anyone!! dont give it to me btw i need to go to bed rn so i can get a good nights sleep for fucking once since i cant seem to control myself enough to have a decent daily schedule!! what godfuckin point am i at in my life where i feel like id be feeling better rn if i was out clubbing. i probably wouldnt. but mb id b distracted at least. listen its Fine i got into this state bc a) im on the other side of the world all alone and it was bound to happen b) im tired and my body is riddled with infection, and both of those things are temporary worries and its gonna be better when my antibiotics kick in and i have enough energy to get thru a single day. i needed this ventpost to get it out and in a few wks im gonna be able to look back at this and know it got better afterwards. its fine im gonna be fine im gonna get back in the groove and im not gonna be alone for long. end rant
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im scared and tired and life is really hard on both me and my girlfriend. and some nights i cry too much and she cant hold me. she cant really do anything. and tonight she was too tired to even think about helping. and i cried more and more. and she listened and stayed with me and tried to help even though she was far too tired. and im grateful for it. incredibly so. but i also feel guilty and scared. guilty bc i asked for help despite how tired she was. and scared that by doing that i hurt her or pushed her too far or asked too much or something like that. scared that it damaged our relationship somehow.
i need to rationalise things to alter or overcome that fear and guilt.
i was asking for help. not out of selfishness, but because i needed it. at worst that was thoughtless. i was overwhelmed by how stressful life is at the moment, and from the pain ive been in all day, and from being aware of my situation too much. today i wasnt working so i just kind of. slipped out of the world a bit. i had responsibilities i could have done. but instead i spent the whole day hiding in monster hunter and minecraft. it wasnt a conscious choice. more like.. i wasnt coping with reality so i needed to hide.
then when my gf and i finally got to see each other today it was so good and i was so happy to see her. then i realised it was 9.30pm and we had to sleep soon. and it hurt a lot. i started tearing up. lots of little things happened that weren't significant but pushed me over the edge. all the emotion building from the last week or few days broke the dams and i started sobbing and bawling. and she was too tired to help so she just sat with me. at the time i misread that as indifference. but it wasnt indifference. she couldnt help but she could stay with me. i wish id seen that at the time.
i went to wash my hair quickly and cried a lot more in the shower. then i came back and i was quiet and still teary. josie sounded a bit perked up. she was pushing herself to comfort me. i feel guilty about that. i did ask. but realising she was too tired, i got quiet and tried to keep things inside a bit. but i dont think i made things better. i think there was a part of me that was upset with her illogically. so my logic was muddled bc i didnt want to exhaust her further, so i tried to decide to just cry and stuff, but then also there was a tiny part of me.. the bpd part.. that was trying to convince me to guilt trip her. which i am never ever going to do bc thats fucking evil. i love her im not going to treat her that was. but getting quiet and muting after i started crying probably made her feel bad for me. which is why she pushed herself to comfort me. i think it wasnt ideal.. and it was at least a little unfair on her. it wasnt the best way to handle things, but i wasnt being malicious. even despite my bpd. so i dont think guilt is the right thing to feel. maybe a little bit of self-disappointment and aiming to do better next time. but guilt will just make me spiral into panic and chaos.
in terms of fear.. i have evidence that will help me prove that i dont need to be scared
josie has said she wants to be with me forever, and said she couldnt imagine life without being together with me.
every time theres a problem we talk about it to resolve it and thats how we have so much love and trust and stuff. if josie isnt okay she will tell me and we will work on a solution. she wants to be with me and will work to stay together if there is an issue.
she loves me very much.
after i cried a lot and she comforted me gently we watched an ep of sora no woto, a rly good anime we both love. and it made us both laugh and smile and feel better and relaxed.
something else i forgot bc i just dozed off slightly.
oh i think it was that bc i didnt act with malice if there was damage done it was only an accident? idk
anyway
she was tired but she is sleeping and will be fine in the morning. she loves me dearly. she wants to be with me. we arent going to break up from this.
i am okay and so is she.
i dont need to worry or be scared or feel guilty.
i love her very much.
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Case #1:
My manager made the choice to have me do 2 full detail tours instead of 1 full & 1 semi. taking 2 full tours lands me behind the schedule i would meet if i did 1 full and 1 semi. I did my tours in the normal allotted time (2 hours each) and got to my post around 4am and waited to be relieved for my final break which would normally be at 5am. In the past he had told me I needed to go on my break at around 5. It was well past 5am probably 10mins so I called my manager to relieve me. He said I was late to my post so i had to wait because supposedly he was still on his break. Mind you they do nothing all night unless someone calls or i find something to concern them with. Further, I was not late to my post. So not only was he denying me my break at the time he had told me to take it he was also claiming that i was late which was factually wrong. it wasn’t but 5mins later that he relieved me so i’m not sure what exactly was the problem with relieving me when i should have been relieved. It felt as though I was being held accountable for his choices.
Case #2
We have a fire panel that occasionally (often) have “nuisance alarms” (mind you i think it’s fucked they allow for there to be anything considered just a nuisance alarm on a panel meant for emergencies but nobody gets it fixed.anyway) Often times “fire group” will come by to check on it and even though we are in lock down from 11-7 we will let them in. Normally the procedure would be i call base let them know fire group is there & then i have like 5 other things i gotta do for this literal 2 min visit. I gotta check their id their virus check make sure to sign them in & that they have a mask. Meanwhile they will show up and start pounding on the door so I’m already feeling rushed and the last thing I want to deal with is them breaking the door by pulling on it.
Because my coworker failed to tell me she was going on break, when i called base there was no response. Our dept usually operates under the protocol that if you hear the radio go off & there is no response, if you can serve the roll then pick up the call. So I was operating under that assumption so that instead of calling more just to get no response i figured well if nobody is responding nobody is listening so i move on to do the rest of my job. Right after fire group leaves my manager calls me to tell me that he watched what happened and to tell me what i did wrong. He admitted that he heard the radio heard there was no response, checked the cams to see nobody was in base & to see what i was doing. He sat there for about 5 mins just watching on the cameras instead of picking up the radio to let me know i had back up. He chose to neglect his responsibility as a “team player” to take the opportunity to chastise me. All I did “wrong” was not make a second call and not walk the guy to the door (which is not what i should do if im assuming im alone bc nobody is watching over me)
Case #3
Normally our last breaks are at around 5am. Because of how our manager has set the schedule up it ends up being a very short time between lunch and our last break so if it’s a schedule like that i will wait until a bit after 5 til i take my last break. Today I last track and at 530 my coworker said she was taking her break and then instead of letting me go to my break she just went to a task we have on odd days which forced me to have to take my break after 6am. I had asked her before she went if i could go to my break and she said no she had to go to the house right then. So I just had no choice but to sit there and not get my break. He called me when i got back to criticize me for taking my break after 6am. (Which mind you is realistically a non-issue that he turns into an issue when he’s bored) I told him what she had told me and he went on his fucking soapbox - he has a bad tendency to be long-winded and it inevitably pisses me off more bc he will draw up strawmen and get exceptionally redundant. So i start off saying ok look this is what coworker told me and asked him for clarification. He told me to tone down. He claimed i was screaming. I was not screaming. I told him do not tone police me. Just because he had a tendency to mumble does not mean i am screaming. You can also turn down the volume on the phone if i talk loud. I project my voice so as to be heard clearly. I was asking for clarification on a statement he supposedly made because my coworker did not seem clear on the direction either. I’m still not confident my manager even knows what he said bc he doesn’t remember jack shit. He even referenced the case #1 & LIED OUTRIGHT ABOUT IT. Claiming that he’s never had an issue with me calling him to relieve me when in fact the ONLY time I ever called him to relieve me he DID have an issue and refused to relieve me until he was ready to.
I’m so fucking sick of this man. He does NOT do his job. He fills out the dispatch log at the top of the night and doesn’t touch it again for the rest of the shift. He ignores alarms. He sleeps (you can literally hear it in his voice when we wake him with the radio or the phone). He delegates everything he can and if he isn’t shirking responsibility he’s micromanaging. He has piss-poor communication skills. The only time he talks to me is to tell me what I’m doing wrong or to do something else. No appreciate, hardly even greets me. When he first came to this place he was like “oh im human first im not your boss im your manager we’re a team imma get yall pizza every month”blah blah blah. All lies. Fucking pandering pos. He’s one of the worst managers i’ve had. There was another scenario that was removed from all this (though it was another case of him not doing his job) where he said and i quote “I just dont want it to land on me”. He will do whatever it takes to not be responsible for his own actions and choices. But the accountability has to fall somewhere so where does it land? The bottom line. Of everyone on our shift I am the lowest paid & most overworked. The only way to get higher pay is to take 40hours out of my life to “train” for a job I already do. Which in part during that training would require me work time outside my shift. Even though I literally never pick up shifts.
I don’t even know what to do anymore bc it’s not like the union can do anything. I’ve complained about him to them before and all they can do is send a message that we need to be treated equally which isn’t done anyway and still nobody cares. I’m exhausted emotionally. I have been working through this pandemic both dealing with assholes who wont wear their masks when im walking to or from work and dealing with my institution trying to impose a fucked up method that is less about safety and more about presentation (tryin to force people to replace their masks with masks that have been sitting out around people who aren’t wearing masks - i responsibly refused to put on the potentially infected mask & keep my own on). The only comfort i get is being home. I’m just tired of being made to feel like i’m doing shit wrong when i know im not. I have a hard time biting my tongue bc this shit keeps building up.
whats more is i would take time off but idk how much time i have available bc they have it only accessible either by asking a manager or through an app one of SEVERAL ive had to download bc of this fucking institution which the password ive since forgotten bc i have like 39752 passwords a this fuckin point. And i dont want to fucking talk to managers any more than absolutely necessary. There is all of one manager i actually trust. there is another that is kinda cool but shes pretty new and i worry shes just trying to appeal to me the way the other manager did with the whole “im human first” bs & she’s buddy with that manager so
anyway i fucking hate that place and those people and wish them all a very merry fuck you hope they get a flat tired or lose their car entirely or stub every single fucking toe twice. Managers are the most useless position in any place ever. Get a real job you bums.
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OOOH , ... all 25 for felix give me the deets
1. What’s their full name, how’s it pronounced, and what does it mean?Felix Acciai/Ruggieri;; its pronounced fell-iks and it means happy!(as for most of my ocs he may have a middle name but its undecided! the only ones who do have definite middle names are zacharie and his father dimitri)
2. What’s their date of birth? Do they follow the stereotypes of their zodiac?10/29/97 hes a scorpio! and i think he does follow some of them
3. What type of drunk are they?he is literally incapable of getting drunk,,,but when he drinks more heavily than usual if its around people than hes his usual party boy persona fooling around and having funif its alone then hes either finally letting himself feel his extreme anger (to a degree....a very small degree...that barely does anything) but hes usually just quiet and sits in silence thinking about everything
4. Give three of their strengths and three of their weaknesses.strengths: physically strong, deceptive, perceptive, incredibly skilled sword fighterweaknesses: distrustful, paranoid, impulsive
5. What’s their favourite food?he loves filipino food! his faves are probably sinigang and beefsteak
6. If they were to be represented by a seven deadly sin, which would it be?wrath;; lust and pride come very close too
7. Do they have any living relatives? If they do, which one do they like the least and why?he has 2 live blood relatives! his birth mother clarissa and his half brother darahe loves them both dearly but id have to say he likes dara more just because hes overprotective of his little brother;; his father lodovico used to be alive so i can tell you right there he was absolutely hated
8. Describe (or draw) their body type.hes a big man (a big man)1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
9. What’s their biggest fear?becoming his father or people finding out about his past
10. Are they a dog or a cat person?hes allergic to both but......hes a dog personhis fave animals are lions and birds(secretly;; his fave birds are corvids)
11. Describe them in 5 words.narcissistic sociable paranoid fun devotedbut alsobig man my fucking fave
12. If your character was handed a puppy, how would they react?he will pet and play with it and ask if it has a nameand then he will die bc u didnt hand him his allergy medicine first and now his face is all itchy but fuck it sure was worth it let him keep petting the puppy while hes at it
13. How would they react to suddenly being hugged?mildly surprised but he likes it! he enjoys physical affection very muchbut he likes it even better from people he considers friends and/or are especially close to him (ex. dasha/dara/leo/talia/pekka/ect)
14. What’s their biggest secret?hes got plenty;; his “real” last name is acciai; he has a father; he was(and unfortunately still partially is due to his father) involved in shady business; his entire past; i could go on but ill stop there
15. What are their pet peeves?loud noises/voices (especially from people he doesnt like ex. alexei/zacharie)people questioning his love for dasha since he is “incapable of love”when it comes to people he doesnt like; every little thing is a pet peeve....their whole existence..........
16. What’s their opinion on pineapple on pizza?
its fucking good lad
17. On average, how much sleep do they get at a time?not a lot! he actively avoids sleep;; he often only gets around 2-3 hours of sleep each day;; hes very exhausted but hes good at hiding ithowever because of dasha he sleeps better and sometimes even gets full nights of sleephe has hyperrealistic nightmares that make him never want to sleep;; half the time he wakes up thinking they were reality;; he sleeps better with dasha but the nightmares of course dont stop; dasha just manages to wake him up and pull him out of it when hes having a worse nightmare than usual
18. If they were a superhero, what powers would they have? (if they have powers, what are they and under what conditions do they work?) maybe super strength/endurance and some sorta metal manipulation?or just what he can do in the holy au! in the holy au hes associated with rot/plague and mirrors but...those kinda make him sound more like a supervillain now that i think abt it...........
19. Does your character collect anything?swords and rings!
20. What would your character’s favourite band(s) be?p!atd/dnce/the neighbourhoodhe has a wide range of music tastes tho so this is kinda hardones public where he listens to upbeat/dance/party music bc thats part of his personaothers are more slow kinda depressing stuff that he likes to listen to aloneand he also likes to listen to old music while he works stuff like this! 1 / 2 / 3
21. How many languages do they speak, and what are they?he speaks 3;; tagalog/italian/english
22. When your character is sad, what do they do to cheer themselves up?he ignores it by throwing a party(or going to one) and sleeping around to “forget” whatever upset him
23. Does your character snore?probably very lightly when he does
24. Describe their voice.im bad at describing voices so maybe something like ezios voice from brotherhood!
25. How long would they last in a zombie apocalypse?hed probably last pretty long! hes got good leadership skillshes already a survivor in his main storyhed probably get himself killed sacrificing himself for dasha/dara/leo/miko/talia
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i had a job for 1 month and i got so fucking sick, like, the day i got fired i thought i had two or three days before id just collapse
so i got fired on a friday and i went to dinner with my family and then i spent the next couple months in a haze trying to put my body back together (and sleeping a LOT)
and then i moved to my current place 2.7 mos ago and i was doing pretty okay i still couldn’t walk cuz of the accident(s) but i was pretty good i was doing a lot of home and hearth stuff i found a shul
& then after purim i was like ok now i’m stable enough to go off kratom and i just fucking. everything just fell down around me again. i got so depressed and panicky and twitchy and everything hurts hurts hurts so fucking much and i spent so little money in april because like i can’t move i can’t do anything i don’t eat much. i’ve spent like. 100 bucks on groceries this whole month. and that’s neglecting all the restaurant food on emma’s dollar from when i was too exhausted to open the fridge but... mostly i’ve just kinda been eating... rice? and cheese? usually i spend 3x that on groceries because like i really value cooking everything i eat out of good ingredients so that it doesn’t make me sick
and that all was getting better and then i got the concussion and the recovery timeline for that’s pretty quick but it’s just so fucking senseless and it means i’m out of commission for pesach and id rly been hoping to pull together a last night seder but now it’s like six days out and i’m clearly not doing it bc there’s no time to reach a standard acceptable to me and i’m probably seeing the new avengers movie with topher that night anyway
i have 4mos of money left, 5 if i’m frugal, which is ... plenty, but it means no buffers and i keep going on panicky self hate spirals because really i have not finished a single book book since i got fired i don’t think (or like before that either for that matter) and i just have so little to show for all this time, mostly i just lie in bed and try to get less sick and when i have a little energy maybe i cook something or draw or whatever and that’s cool but there’s work that needs doing and i’m just like so fucking exhausted
when i write it out like this actually it seems like i’m fine but i guess i wanted to do things that cost money like traveling and i don’t think i can afford that and i want to pick up tech freelancing so i can support myself indefinitely but like interacting with computers in non-closed systems is so painful and also i just don’t have access to a laptop that works rn... pretty sure both the half working laptops i’ve got would be relatively cheap to fix if i could get around to it plus housemate offered to lend me a laptop tooooo
like if i shelled out $300 to fix a laptop and get some *furniture* so my ergonomics aren’t a nightmare i could totally pick up some open source projects or something and that would be good
but i payed my taxes this month so the idea of spending money makes me want to scream
i dunno why i’m so emotionally stable rn i started writing this post because i wanted to think about how fucking sick working full time made me and panic over whether i’m even capable of having a job but then somehow i actually ended up rationally evaluating my situation
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i was rly stressed and resentful in my childhood bc my family was struggling financially and i knew it i could tell bc all my friends got new toys all the time and had bigger houses and nicer furniture . our house wasnt ugly or anything (it was Very Nice) but i knew my parents struggled to pay for rent (i was like 6? i feel like i shouldnt have to have understood what its like to not feel financially secure that young but/??????) and so i feel like bc we didnt have that much money i wasnt able to get all the things i wanted to when i was younger? i understand that material things dont mean happiness but when ur 6 ??i mean????
and then starting around 6th grade i started rly struggling at school nd could barely get my hw done and had trouble sleeping (spoiler alert this was me developing anxiety) and then uh high school haha wow i uh HOO wow
listen idk if im just dumb but i just . icouldnt get my work done. i was (still am) a huge procrastinator and i ?? was just so exhausted all the time so i didnt wanna hang out with my friends and i barely let myself have fun ijust went on my computer the whole time
now im 18 i go to alternative school i see maybe like 5 people a day im so fucking lonely i feel like im not friends with the right people really
i suck at social interactions now my parents r stressing me out and every time i try to relax i feel guilty bc i feel like i have no worth unless im productive but i honestly have nothing to DO like ghdsjkfgks why am i so stressed im only 3 days into spring break ahah depressions cool
at least my dad started buying pot for me again so that will either 1) backfire, make me more depressed again bc im just vaping inside (id rather smoke outsite!!) 2) eventually help me feel better again like i was in the summer
rrghghh honestly truly i think the only person that rly keeps me going is my gf but i dont wanna put that pressure on her !!!!!!!! but at least we are finally seeing each other this summer lik e thats really !! thatss o exciting keeps me goin
n at least i got myself a personal weekly palnner too. itll maybe help me feel more productive and get things done but also let myself relax. i also worte some Hapy Reminvders for myself too bc im cheesy
nows probably a good idea to vape again but like idk im just trying to draw and im getting rly frustratedw ith my art its rly mediocre n not how i want it to be right now
also i wihs i could get a psychiatrist that would take me seriously n listen to me about what makes me anxious instead of telling me how to just deal with my anxiety (news flash the only way i can deal wih anxiety is if i tell someone abt it) also wish i could get one that wasnt extremely expensive
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1-100 also 😘
Honestly I deserve this payback. This is gonna take forever to answer.
1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?
More cereal
2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?
I don’t know what winter is I live in Texas
3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?
I use literally whatever I have in my hand at the time, paper clips, snickers wrappers. There’s no cute bookmarkes It’s all dog ears and trash.
4: how do you take your coffee/tea?
In large quantities and in many different ways. Coffee, black with some sort of flavor. If not that then just coffee and creamer, no sugar. Tea is usually chai or black just with milk.
5: are you self-conscious of your smile?
No! And No one should be! Smiles to me are the most attractive thing about people.
6: do you keep plants?
I’ve had a succulent for six months and I have not watered it nor cared for it and it’s still alive so…
7: do you name your plants?
I have another succulent that has five stems and my friend named them all after the scooby doo gang.
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?
I don’t have feelings. But I have literally exhausted all artistic mediums.
9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?
My favorite thing to do is belt out songs when I’m home alone or driving in a car so yeah.
10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?
Trick question I don’t sleep
11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?
I have too many. With my best friend sometimes we just scream old people names at each other in text.
Example:
Bff: ALFRED
Me: BERNARD
Bff: ALTHEA
Me: KEITH
Bff: KEITH!!!
And then with a couple other friends we have one where we yell the “Where are you” from Blink 182’s “I miss you”
12: what’s your favorite planet?
This one. Its really nice. lov the oxygen. having rings lik saturn here would be neato but its cool.
13: what’s something that made you smile today?
I was planning to make brownies tonight and then I gave up half way through so I just ate brownie batter and it was great, college is great.
14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?
It’d be one of those open industrial plans with lofts and spiral stair cases and wooden frames on the ceiling. Big windows
15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!
if two untreated metals in space touch they will bond permanently bc there is no oxygen to form an oxidized layer around the metal. Dont wear earings in the vaccum of space i guess. You’ll never be able to take the backings off
6: what’s your favorite pasta dish?
All.
17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?
Green
18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.
We had the cops called on us because on of my friends barked at my neighbors dog.
19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?
I have my notes on my phone and in it are about 807 entries ranging from random shit like a single word “zoo” with no context or explanation. Entire novels that I was writing and gave up on the last chapter, also conversations with no context between characters that I made up that have no names. Also, recipes for stupid things like Mac and cheese balls, ideas for artwork/stories/products. Essentially nothing is finished. I also have around 10 sketchbooks that have never been completed.
20: what’s your favorite eye color?
All of them but the ones that are like brown and then transition to blueish greenish at the edges at trippy and cool.
21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.
I struggle with bags and purses. I always leave them places. This is why I am a very passionate advocate for womens clothing to have bigger pockets
22: are you a morning person?
If by morning do you mean when I wake up at 2pm? Because even then no. Don’t talk to me when I’ve woken up.
23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?
Sleep
24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?
Yeah it’s really nice.
25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?
Not weird just a new house that hadn’t been bought yet.
26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?
See I get a pair like that once a year and I’ll wear the shit out of it then they get holes and I have to get rid of them.
27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?
Mint. I hate the taste of bubble gum flavor bubble gum
28: sunrise or sunset?
If I’m awake to see a sunrise I am not a happy person that shits too early. Sunset all the way
29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?
Exist
30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?
Yeah. I’ve been absolutely freaking terrified.
31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.
I like cool socks and I enjoy wearing socks but also I cannot be bothered to actually find a pair to put on in the morning so I never wear socks.
32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.
Literally every fun story happens after 3 am, id be here all day.
33: what’s your fave pastry?
I fucking love Pillsberry Crescent croissants. Like don’t give me legit croissants made in France, I won’t like it as much as pillsberry.
34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?
It’s name is Chicky and it’s actually I think supposed to be a stuffed duck, but I was 2 so I called it Chicky. Fun fact, my mom and everyone would ask me if Chicky was a a boy or a girl because I would call it he and she interchangeably and usually just Chicky. And my response would always be. “It’s just Chicky” and then they would ask “but is it a boy or girl?” And my three year old self was just like “??? Are you not paying attention? It’s a Chicky” so yeah I was fighting gender normatively at a young age, I was a pretty woke 3 year old.
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?
I’m hella picky about nice pens but I don’t care how they look just how they write.
36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?
Of Monsters and Men
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?
It’s not that I like keeping it messy but it will always always always be untidy.
38: tell us about your pet peeves!
When people speak for me. Like when someone asks me a question and then someone else goes “Well Annaleise doesn’t want to-” or something along the lines of that. Like I’m right here and I can speak for myself thanks.
39: what color do you wear the most?
Gray.
40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?
I gotta small silver rose necklace that I got for my 16th birthday. And I haven’t taken it off since. I used always love painting and drawing and making a doodling roses. And my mom picked up on it and gave me the necklace.
41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?
Always Harry Potter.
42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!
I’m a slave to Starbucks but there’s a cute place on our campus called The Nook and it’s super hipster and they have huge chalk board walls for people to draw on which I love and of course they have great coffee.
43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?
Fourth of July a couple years ago with my cousins. My aunts house is on a lake and the sky is super clear and we could see satellites orbiting. First time I’ve ever seen satellites. Super cool.
44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?
Spring break when I finally got back home from college I took a heavy dose of Benadryl because of allergies and I woke up in my own bed feeling soft and sleepy and I had not responsibilities at the moment and it was great.
45: do you trust your instincts a lot?
Do people not?
46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.
No puns are the worst. but what do you call a cat who bought a house? A hoMEOWner
47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?
Coleslaw and coconut water
48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?
I used to be terrified of lava and tornadoes and while I can’t say I’ve ever seen lava I now go outside whenever there’s a tornado siren so see if I can spot the tornadoes. Now my biggest fear is failure. Isn’t that fun?
49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?
I like the aesthetic of record players but I do not have the patience to actually go out and buy one, pull out a record, and put it on to listen to the music. 1) because I’m all about instant gratification bc I have like no self control so if I can play it in two seconds on my phone then why would I go through all the trouble of a record and 2) I rarely like all the songs from an album. My music taste is all over the place so even if I like a band I like maybe 3 of there songs and they’d be from different albums.
50: what’s an odd thing you collect?
I collected coke cans and bottles. Like any special/old/limited edition coke cans or bottles I would keep them. I have a whole shelf in my closet. I now collect mugs.
51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?
My brother and Kid Cudi’s “Mr. Rager”
52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?
The funniest and most random to me has been the “Cask of Amontillado” meme. Also Bone apple tea and student athlete memes kill me idk why.
53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?
I fuck with Heathers (but the musical) and I have seen beetlejuice but it’s been a while. Not seen the others tho.
54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?
My mom.
55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?
When I was younger I saw in a movie that trick where you put a chair against a door handle to block people from getting in so I used to do it whenever I got mad at my mom.
56: what are some things you find endearing in people?
I like when people get in a silly mood.
57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?
I can’t not dramatically reenact the lyrics and I don’t trust people who don’t.
58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?
In all groups of friends I’m usually the vodka aunt.
59: what’s your favorite myth?
The Trojan Horse has always been hilarious to me because sneaking a whole army into a city through a wooden horse they made sounds like something I would come up with. It’s ridiculous but it still worked.
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
Yes, and not to be mainstream but Edgar Allen Poe is my bro and according to my grandma we’re related to him through his cousin. But in middle school I had a really awesome English teacher who was obsessed with him and I basically know “The Raven” “Tell Tale Heart” “The cask of Amontillado” and “Annabelle Lee” memorized because of her.
61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?
I once gave a kids bop CD wrapped in candy canes for a white elephant. At another white elephant I recieved fabric sleeves that had tattoo graphics on them but it didn’t match my skin color. It was great.
62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?
TBH I don’t eat or drink until like 3 pm
63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?
Nothing in my life is organized.
64: what color is the sky where you are right now?
Black
65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?
Many people.
66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?
It’d have a bunch of different kinds of flowers that don’t match.
67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?
Super peaceful and chill.
68: what’s winter like where you live?
What is winter?
69: what are your favorite board games?
I loved Candyland as a kid.
70: have you ever used a ouija board?
FUCK.THAT.
71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?
Chai and Black tea
72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?
Yes I do need to jot everything down because I will forget. But do I? No.
73: what are some of your worst habits?
Touching bad skin on my face.
74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.
A super brave and bad ass who also has deep feelings and really cares a lot. Super creative and really hilarious. hot shit. coolest person i know
75: tell us about your pets!
I have a Maltipoo named Poppy and I love her. She’s super sassy and really smart. And yells at me through howling when she wants to play, usually with a toy in her mouth so it sounds super muffled and anything but intimidating.
76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?
Yeah actually I have a huge fucking project. I gotta make 3 vases for my Studio but instead I’m answering 100 questions. It’s my own fault tho. I started it.
77: pink or yellow lemonade?
Pink
78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?
Minions need to die
79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?
If anyone ever says “I was thinking about you the other day and-” it’s my favorite thing
80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?
White because it came with the house. I hate it.
81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.
a cool pillow
82: are/were you good in school?
I tested well and was good at essays but I was bad about turning in shit. So yes and no.
83: what’s some of your favorite album art?
Fleet Foxes
84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?
In theory I love tattoos and in theory I really want one. Will I ever be able to decide on a design? We shall see. Also my mom told us that if any of us got tattooed she’s dissown us.
85: do you read comics? what are your faves?
I don’t like buy comic books but I’m obsessed with all things marvel and D.C. And so I’ll read online stuff.
86: do you like concept albums? which ones?
Idk what this is so i googled it and i still don’t have an opinion of it.
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
Forest Gump, The Princess Bride, Star Wars.
88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?
Impressionism, specifically Monet, specifically “The Magpie”
89: are you close to your parents?
I tell them a lot but I also have to withhold a lot. My mom is pretty, uhh strict, conservative and you could say narrow minded. My dad is a little more relaxed but he always goes along with whatever my mom says so I’m careful.
90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.
I’ve literally only been once but I really loved Pittsburgh. I liked the industrial vibe. I liked how it felt like a small town and a big city at the same time.
91: where do you plan on traveling this year?
My family’s trying to go to Canada so I’m excited for that.
92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?
Drowns in cheese
93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?
Ponytail, bun, in a hat, in a beanie, basically any way but down. I have a limited attention span and any time my hair gets in the way I go crazy.
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?
My sister! She’s thirteen! Its ridiculous yesterday she was 6!
95: what are your plans for this weekend?
Working my ass off to finish this project and then little party I’m throwing in my dorm. The party I can already tell is a bad idea. Still gonna happen tho.
96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?
I have not updated my phone nor computer in years (not really but it takes a fucking while)
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?
ENTP, Taurus, Ravenclaw
98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?
A few years ago and yes I wish I lived somewhere where I could do it all the time.
99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.
Float on by Modest mouse is my life’s theme song
100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?
Future. It’d be awesome to skip four years of this brutal program and arrive with a degree and a job. Five Years in the past means i gotta go through highschool again. Fuck That shit.
OKAY DONE SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS POST BLAME @jak
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I’m actually sitting down at my computer to write this out and it’s not necessarily meant for anyone to read but maybe to organize myself and help myself in the process of pulling myself up
Let me start off by saying that, beyond tumblr cliches, beyond the current sense of self depreciating humor, to whatever extent my spirituality exists, I’ve always had this weird complex and genuinely strong belief that I am a bad person. I am a bad person.
The time i’ve spent at mcgill has been terrible. Honestly, truly awful. I could leave this city and never look back and I think that, save for a couple special people who have found their way into my life, I wouldn’t look back. And I wouldn’t need to. I’ve done nothing here to make a spot for myself anywhere in this city, in this school, or even in this residence. I do not feel welcome here, and I do not believe that I am welcome at this school or this residence. and a large part of that is my conscious fault.
I was (and still am) so afraid of what these people here think of me that I haven’t left my room for days on end. I didn’t start eating in the cafeteria until recently. I wouldn’t go to class. any act of kindness which someone shows towards me I think is driven by some incentive to embarrass me, and I accept it and obsess over what could possibly be behind it. It’s strange, but all of the fears that I never had in high school are here.
I don’t feel like I relate to these kids, and that’s another issue. I cannot, for the most part, make friends. I just...don’t relate. I must have met hundreds of people by now, and only about five of them are good for conversation beyond the superficial. I don’t feel like anybody actually likes me for who i am, and when it comes time to show somebody who i am, i really run into another problem which i havent ever really faced in my life. I don’t know who i am or what it means to open up anymore. Like what the fuck. How. I don’t know how, but it doesn’t happen.
I sit in my room under the covers for ten hours a day laughing at memes and hiding because I dont feel like i have a place with these kids and i dont feel like i belong in these academics
Ive been sick since october and the mcgill clinic is so notoriously rude and awful with handling their students that I really do not want to go back there, not to mention that I cannot function without like 16 hours of sleep now? and i dont know what brought that on but i am more exhausted than i have ever been in my whole life and i dont do anything. I dont do anything.
But i’ve been smelling blood nearly constantly for like two months and ive had such a nasty cough and other symptoms since october so like what does that mean?
Then like. the conscious part.
I met sam a week ago, but one of the most remarkable things about him is that I can genuinely be myself without worrying about being too fem or any of the other “you’d be perfect if you just...” insults that every other guy has given me. But like. the self depreciating humor is taxing on him and probably everybody else. nobody wants to hear how im hating it here when they’re having the time of their lives and like thats great im happy that you love it here but i have never felt like death has ever been closer, be it by natural causes or my own hands, i really do not think i will live to the end of first year. or so my dramatic causes have me believing. which is strange. i hate making him uncomfortable with the negativity ive put off, and really pretty much anyone else, but like...idk...it’s not easy. i’m the kid in rez who cant do rez life. i’m actually an outcast here. i don’t know how i’m supposed to hide the fact that i hate things when i cannot escape an environment that i know is toxic to my mental and physical health, when i feel so anxious around everyone and everything so much that saying hi to someone who lives on my floor is a struggle and i cant do it without some dark humor focused joke on how im struggling when really n o b o d y else is struggling but me. why cant i get with the fucking picture. i wanna be optimistic though. and change my attitude. rly wanna put in work there and smile again for once in months. i dont wanna throw away what could be such a good experience with a different guy who can provide several good lessons, and i dont even mean in a boyfriend way. just in being around him and his influence. i want to learn from that.
fabia ditched on me as a roommate next year and like that didnt bother me at first but like...im living alone now. i have her as a friend (maybe?) bc sam and chris are leaving, and im living alone. these are the years when i should be living with friends and having fun and i cant do it because i cant live with friends and i dont know what fun is anymore! i like alcohol and parties but honestly like...they are bad things for me. i need to keep them away i think. but also, some of them are ok and i want to go to those but then i get crucified for trying to enjoy normal college life
i think kathy is realizing she doesnt like me as a person. that..........is an issue i wont ever have words to tackle. It’s also a two way street, and i wish she could see the double standard and the harshness of her tongue that she throws at me when she insists it’s for my better. I’m literally wishing for death every day and i feel like i lost the support of the woman who has been through it all with me and that’s such a.......lonely feeling. it makes me disappointed in myself, for reasons i should be and reasons i should not be. it is a two way street and i wish she were more open to hearing my side instead of talking down to me because i don’t have it together and she does. this isnt actually what it’s like but it’s what it feels like and it’s not exactly encouraging to hear such cold nasty words from your best friend if you slip up or if you go out to a social event and try to make friends and actually feel like you did only to get shredded. it just isnt what i need right now and i’d like to think she still gets me enough that i havent quite ever struggled this hard in my entire life. im sorry im not doing better but you’re wrong if you think im not trying. id really rather not fucking try, id really rather throw in the towel and that is the first time ive ever felt so strongly about this and i dont know. i want my best friend back and i dont want her hating everything i do or making it feel like she does. kathy if you read this i love you and i miss you.
emily i love you and i miss you too and what ive been meaning to bring up is that i love dana and i love you two together but since you two met you’ve been so distant and i just wish it felt like you were around a little more. i miss gaymarie.
it’s all ashes really. sam deserves to meet me in a better time in my life, because this is a really toxic person that i am right now. kathy and emily and fabia deserve a better friend. but i am fucking trying. impact>intent, but i am fucking trying and i don’t think anyone gets the magnitude of that statement when i say it. maybe it doesn’t matter. i want to, and i will, get myself back together. i just dont know what back together looks like from here.
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