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imaginesmai · 4 years

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Taron Egerton - Hypothetically

This is my first Taron Egerton fic, I hope you like it!! This is for the bunch of people who have been requesting me to do something about Taron. Most of them were anon and requested some alphabets. I don’t think I can do that about him, becuase that’s what I find most difficult.

Plot: you find something that you didn’t mean to in Taron’s tablet, and you wish it had been porn.

It started accidentally. You were working and needed to look something up, but your computer was maxed out running a new program, so you picked up Taron’s tablet which he had left on the table. He had never been particularly previous about keeping his stuff to himself – in fact, he had configured your fingerprints to let you in – so you helped yourself without asking and opened his browser.

A white with golden ornaments webpage greeted you. It took you a while to understand what was it about, because it was early in the morning and because you didn’t read what the website was about. Once you squinted your eyes and looked thoughtfully at the title, you almost passed out.

Taron had been reading about weddings. Specifically, top ten places to have a wedding and impress your girlfriend.

Eyes widening, you dropped the device on the table with a clatter. Hearing Taron bustling in the small kitchen of your cute vintage aparment, you shoved it back in place awkwardly, and forced your eyes back to your own flickering screen. Suddenly, friction coefficients didn’t seem so important.

“Y/N?”

You jumped out of your skin and turned to see him sticking his head around the door. The sight would have been funny if you weren’t so nervous; he was wearing a hairnet and a glittering apron. He gave you a slightly concerned frown.

“Are you… alright?”

“Yeah! Fine, thanks. Sorry, just… working” you chuckled, pressing random keys on the computer. “I was just concentrating”

“I bet it’s on something really smart” he teased, and you gave him your most real smile. “Sorry for startling you”

“No, it’s okay. Fine. I’m fine!” your voice sounded unnaturally high-pitched even for you.

Taron’s concern didn’t seem to entirely abate, extremely reasonably given your babbling, so he stepped closer and dropped a gentle hand on your shoulder. Despite everything, something about him was always so perfectly solid, comforting and safe that you found yourself breathing almost normally again.

You turned up to him and smiled; not even that forced. Taron liked to get into his characters in the most strange ways, so maybe he had just been looking it up for his new film. You repeated that to yourself at least twenty times in your head, while he massaged your shoulder in a gentle way. There was no way you had just discovered him looking up ideas for your weeding.

“I’m okay, really” you assured him. You gripped his wrist with your hand and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Just a bit stressed over the project”

“The astrophysics one?”

You had been working on a new project for college for a few months, wanting to be as perfect as possible. It was your last work before graduating on your master, and if everything went well, you would be able to get a real job in a few weeks. Taron had been very helpful on the way, taking care of you when you forgot and being there in every moment.

Nodding, you looked back to the screen.

“It’s almost over, just a few more details”

“You’re gonna do amazing” he bent down and kissed your cheek. “And I’m gonna brag so hard about my physic girlfriend”

Girlfriend. Not wife, or at least not yet. Muttering a quick ‘love you’, Taron turned back to the kitchen; and you gave the forgotten tablet a side glance, checking that it hadn’t been all a dream.

- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Okay, what is with you?” Betty, your best friend, demanded the next day. “I’ve just told you three times what happened last night with Brian, and you still have to give the talk about going back with my ex. And I don’t buy that you suddenly like him. ”

You shook your head and finally looked over your friend. She was visiting you for a few hours, and was updating you from life back at home while you two had coffee in a beautiful café you found when you arrived. Betty lived back home, working in a supermarket, while you had to travel away to be with Taron. So it was a rare occasion, to see both of you together, and you were completely wasting it because you couldn’t stop thinking about the tablet.

You sighed, and tried to remember what she was talking about as you looked down to your coffee. It had a weird shape made on the top – and it wasn’t as if you only though about it, but it looked like a ring to you.

“He’s an asshole, I don’t know why you go out with him. But I love you anyway” you repeated like a mantra. Everytime you met, Betty had gone back to his ex-boyfriend, a boy who didn’t deserve her, so you thought it wouldn’t be very hard to keep the conversation going.

It didn’t go that well.

“I’ve just told you that I’ve blocked him, so I’m gonna assume you haven’t heard an inch of what I’ve said” she rubbed a tired hand over the bridge of her nose, and finally looked at you with a raised brow. “All right, what has he done now?”

You blinked at Betty. It was disingenuous to pretend you didn’t know who ‘he’ was meant to be, but you found her easy perception disconcerting.

“Nothing!” you shook your hand, and sighed, because lying to a spy would be as useful as watering an artificial plant. “Not really – I just, borrowed his table and accidentally saw some of his browsing history.”

Betty’s eyebrows rose higher than you thought possible, and you sighed. She wasn’t the person you wanted to talk about that; actually, you didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. But you had the impression that if you didn’t you would just explode. Before you had time to explain, Betty talked.

“Looking at porn is normal in –“

“Not that!” you interrupted her. “He was reading stuff… about weddings. And I know it’s probably nothing and just some background reading for his new movie – although I thought it was about spies. But I was kinda shocked? And for some reason my brain won’t shut off and keeps thinking about it.”

Betty snorted with laughter and then just kept laughing. You grumbled and turned back to your coffee, blush on your cheeks.

“Your life is turning into the worst sort of romantic comedy” she laughed. “Come on, what did you expect? We’re talking about Taron! The boy asked you to move in the third month of your relationship! What will be the next chapter? Kids? Retirement plans? I bet he has – “

“Shut up” you mumbled.

It was true that your relationship with the actor had been… rushed. You had met him through a mutual friend, and within the first month of talking, he had already invited you on a date. He was perfect in every way you could imagine; attentive, funny, handsome, gentle and affectionate. He always put you first when it came to decisions, and you were sure he would drop everything if he asked you to do so.

Thoughts about Taron plagued your mind and you smiled sheepishly.

“Then ask him” Betty shrugged, taking a sip of her coffee. “If you’re not worried about spoiling the surprise, of course”

“But it has been merely a year!” voicing out your concerns didn’t make you feel any better.

“So? My mom proposed to my dad three months after they started dating”

“Aren’t your parents divorced?”

“And not in talking terms”

You buried your face in your arms and closed your eyes tightly. It seemed, like it wasn’t going to be an easy task. Betty’s phone rang and you didn’t have to look to know it was Brian. You didn’t bother in looking up or saying goodbye, just heard her hurried steps as she left the place to talk to him.

You had more than enough with your problems.

You decided to ask him that evening.

You had always prided yourself in being a practical kind of person, and not someone who made assumptions based on guesswork and lack of evidence. Also, you didn’t think you could stand a surprise proposal without fainting on the spot.

Closing the door again, you announced your arrival and received a quick greeting from Taron. Noises could be heard from the kitchen, and a peek look while you took off your jacket let you know that he was cooking. He was wearing again the awful apron, and you salivated just by the smell of the food. Taron had always loved to cook, from impressive breakfast to surprising meals; after your fair share of disappointment and food poisoning, he had become quite talented at that.

You pressed a kiss to his cheek while he moved what seemed pork in the pan, and he answered by dragging you closer and planting a full kiss on your lips while you were serving yourself some water.

You smiled tight, returned the kiss and decided that you were doing it later.

That later, actually, came when dinner was finished.

You were almost falling asleep on his lap after a delicious dinner, dozing off on the film that you were trying to see. You couldn’t focus on what it was about, but rather on how to keep your eyes open to ask him about the weeding. You were laying your head on his thighs, and he had both of hands on you. One of his hands was caressing on your hip, warm and soft against the naked skin, and the other massaging your scalp, occasionally undoing on the knots of your hair. It felt ridiculous to ruin the mood by something that stupid, but you knew he would notice something was off eventually; and he tended to panic.

“So” you started.

Taron stopped moving for a second, before going back to his business. He, unlike you, liked to watch the movies you played on weekends, and got really invested into some of them. Usually, when you interrupted it, he got all mad and playfully banned you from the couch. But he had known you wanted to talk about something all day, from how silent you had been during dinner.

“So, Y/N” he repeated, and you smacked his thigh.

“You know – I borrowed your tabled, this morning?”

He frowned and you could hear the wheels turning in his brain. Taron, as said before, was the most paranoid boy you had ever met; and not in a bad way, because he fully trusted you, but it was true that he tended to think about conclusions before getting the facts.

“Was it porn?” he asked, and you felt like screaming for the second time that day. “Because I don’t think I opened it today. But, you know – we’ve had this conversation before, it’s hard when you –“

“I’m talking about the wedding plans, Taron”

Now, he really stopped moving. You felt him going tense under you, and the only thing he managed to do was to press silent with the remote he was holding. You could probably hear a pin dropping on the street, but in that moment the only thing you heard was Taron’s breathing and your heart beating loudly.

The truth was, Taron didn’t have the heart to make any excuse. He had already thought that it was a bit rushed, because you hadn’t been dating for that long. But recently, one of his friends was getting married, and all the preparations had made him look up some details about… your possible wedding. Just imagining you in the white dress he had seen the last week or in the beach, walking towards him, gave him chills.

“Uh”

Taron tried to say anything that might had excused the tabs on his tablet, and he mentally kicked himself for it not being porn. He could deal with an argument about the inconveniences of it, but not with you saying him ‘no’ already. He hadn’t even meant to ask you yet – he was curious. You were still looking at him, so he gave you a hesitant smile.

“I just see myself with you” he blurted out, much more confident of what he felt. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. “You’re so perfect, and complement me so well. I just – lately I’m always thinking about the future, and in every possibility there is you, with me, married and maybe with some kids. I’m sorry if… I know it’s rushed, and you don’t have to say anything. I just… imagining a future with you makes me keep going. Hypothetically ”

Taron shrugged at the end, as if it hadn’t been the most beautiful thing he had ever told you. He had a tendency to do that, a lot. Even if he was talkative and open on the outside, behind closed doors Taron was a bit shy. From your side vision, someone did something stupid in the film and got murdered.

You shifted so that you were back to your original position, having laid on your back to look at him. You turned your head to the screen and Taron pressed back the volume, and you didn’t miss how he slumped down and sighed.

Truly, you didn’t know what do say. Taron had been what you had always wanted in partner, and in the short amount of time you had been with him, you hadn’t discovered a single thing that made you not like him.

His hands were resting behind you, as if he was afraid to touch you. You reached for one and made him hug your middle until you could play with his fingers on your front.

“Just so you know, hypothetically” you started, fidgeting and looking at the blonde friend who tried to run from the killer in the TV. “I would say yes”

Taron smiled so wide that he thought he could slip his head in two, and finally relaxed into the touch. His hand that wasn’t trapped by you started playing with your hair once more, and the relaxed and happy mood that you enjoyed before was back.

“Well, I love you a lot. And that’s not hypothetically”

“I love you too, moron” you smiled and closed your eyes, ready to finally drift off.

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philosophorsfosterhome · 4 years

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Something about Noodles and Love

Show: Tales of Arcadia Characters: Celeste Millway(OC), Hisirdoux Casperan Word Count: 2332 Summary: Hisirdoux is confronted with the fact he may have a problem with noodles.

Okay so, this one is legit just me distracting myself from a slight trigger i put on myself the other day, and it’s absolutely nothing but pure fluff. Please bear with me, i just needed to feel good inside

“I'm home!” Douxie called out as he entered the house. A kinda small house, but the perfect size still. He heard laughter from the living room, the sound got closer and Celeste stood in the doorway to the entrance.

“You've been gone, for fifteen minutes Douxie” she laughed and leaned against the door frame.

“Aw come on, indulge me” he said with a smile and walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulder. “I'm home~” he said softly and kissed her forehead.

“Welcome home love” she chuckled and kissed his cheek. “Did you get the snacks?” she grabbed the grocery bag and looked inside it.

“I tried to remember everything, but I also got-”

“Some fucking cup noodles oh my god Hisirdoux I thought you were trying to stop” she laughed and took the noodles out. “these aren't even the good expensive ones! Douxie these are literally just air!”

“Aw come on! I've kept myself clean for a whole two days! Not a single noodle have I eaten” he grabbed his girlfriend and swung her around. She squealed and tried to keep him from getting the noodles from her hands. A little difficult seeing as how all of his limbs had a distinct advantage of being significantly longer.

“We have, a whole fridge full of food! Leftovers even! You just have to chuck them in the microwave!” Celeste got out of his grip and managed to snatch the noodles back. “you promised you'd try to stay away from Noodles for a week! At this point it's like you're actually addicted”

“Two days is almost a week!”

“It's like under a third of a week!” Celeste ran through the house with the noodles in her arms. “I'm locking these up before you can eat them!”

“Oh no you don't!” Hisirdoux took off after her, long limbs almost getting tangled up and making him fall over himself. He could hear her squealing with delight as he chased her. He couldn't for long though, somehow it seemed he ran out of gas too fast.

“That's what you get for existing on nothing but instant noodles!” Douxie had lost sight of her but he knew exactly where she was once he had the thump of a shutting safe door.

“Aw come on!” he made it to their bedroom and saw her proudly standing by the small magical safe she had on her desk. “how many noodles do you have in there by now?” he walked over and tried opening the door. He knew the code, sadly he had no idea what infernal spell she'd managed to put on it that kept him from actually opening it.

“Enough to feed all of Asia at this point” Hisirdoux felt a little better when he realized she was out of breath as well.

“It's not that bad” he scratched the back of his head. He couldn't be that addicted to noodles, could he?

“Not that bad? Douxie, Douxie” she laughed and patted the safe. “there's practically nothing but noodles in this! I've had to empty it to make room for more noodles”

“Wait did you just throw them out?” Douxie was somewhat offended. Both that his girlfriend would toy with his noodles like that, and that she'd just waste food in such a way.

“Of course not” Celeste rolled her eyes. “I gave them to Jim, and it was just the cheap generic ones, Malai eats those like chips”

“Oh so when your sister wants to eat crunched noodles like it's cereal it's Okay, but when I wanna do it I 'have a problem' and 'need to cut down on my sodium intake'” he put up his fingers for air quotes and put on a thick sarcastic tone. Although he couldn't keep a straight face. Both him and Celeste laughed, he even saw her wipe her eyes a bit.

“The difference, my dear boyfriend, is that Malai... actually eats a varied diet alongside the noodles” she faked a gasp and put her hand in front of her mouth. Douxie just rolled his eyes and pulled her close. “Not to mention that uh, Jim, is the one cooking for her usually? You know, the best fucking cook in Arcadia”

“Don't let Mr. Benoit hear you say that, he might fire me for it” he chuckled. Celeste just rolled her eyes dramatically. “but like, seriously, how many noodles have you given away?”

“Oh my god” she snorted and pushed at his chest. “Relax, I check the thing weekly for expired or expiring noodles and I give those away, I'm not that cruel”

“I think I'd beg to differ, you are keeping me away from my drug of choice”

“Oh so you admit you have a problem?”

“... Alright, you got me there, i'll give you that one” he let go of her and held his hands up in defeat. “Maybe, just maybe, I do need to cut down on the noodles, in my defense it's the only thing I've known how to cook for, let's say a good few decades” he looked at the safe again. He knew there were some noodles in there he really wanted to eat. He heard Celeste sigh. She seemed to have noticed his longing stare at the safe.

“Listen” he instantly whipped his head to look at her. This was the sort of tone that told him he was about to be given a rare gift, a gift from the goddess herself. Mercy.

“One fucking pack” Celeste held up one finger. “One pack today, maybe another tomorrow, but only one pack a day, maximum, and no that's not accumulative, i'm not gonna let you fast for a week and then overdose every Sunday”

“Sou say that like I do that all the time”

“Hey, guess what, you would, I know you Casperan” She opened up the safe door and stuck her whole arm in there. The safe itself wasn't that big. Honestly it couldn't be, as it was situated on top of a standard wooden desk. He knew she'd enchanted it to hold a lot more than it should be able to, like the weird safe Merlin had in his study at Camelot way back when. Although this one had a different lock system, one Hisirdoux had yet to crack. And when he did, then yeah maybe he was gonna overdose on noodles, he wasn't sure.

“But, I'm gonna throw you a bone” he was taken back to the real world when he heard the crinkle of a noodle pack emerge from the depths of the safe. “I'll even, let you have one of the good ones”

And out she pulled, a spicy shrimp package, a really fancy expensive one with actual bits of dried shrimp for topping. Douxie knew, that he had not bought that one. He had never seen that one anywhere but his dreams. And a few websites he'd browsed to see what kinds of noodles were out there. But there it was, right in front of him, it was real and Celeste was gonna let him eat it. But that only brought up one question in his mind.

“where'd that come from?” he took it and looked it over. It didn't feel like a reseal, he could feel the packets and noodles inside, there was a reasonable amount of crushed noodles inside. As he thought all that, it did dawn on him that maybe he was a little too intimately familiar with the contents and feeling of a standard, non tampered with noodle package. Which also brought to light that Celeste had tampered with enough to make him familiar with that as well. And lastly, that Celeste was definitely right, he had a problem.

“I think, amazon?” Celeste shrugged. “I don't remember exactly, but like, it was on your wishlist, why, do you not like it?” she cocked her head. He could hear in her voice that she was very certain he did indeed like it.

“Okay but why did Amazo- wait you bought this, and I assume more, for me?” he was now even more confused. Why would Celeste, who so vehemently tried to get him to stop consuming so many noodle packs, voluntarily bring more into the house, and especially ones of this price range.

“Well” she walked over and stood on tippy toes to kiss his cheek. “Sometimes I gotta spoil ya, or you'll just leave me” she walked out of the bedroom and Douxie just stood there.

“If you're implying that my love for you, is measured in how many noodles you let me eat... you're not entirely wrong but also that's a bit offensive” he walked after her and read the cooking instructions on the back. They were in japanese, but he did have a translation spell easily on hand.

“I was joking” they split up as Douxie continued to the kitchen and Celeste slouched down on the couch again. “Although that does make me worry, but also if you leave you won't get the rest of your noodles”

“I'll find a way to crack that safe!” he put the water over to boil, he was gonna tempt fate this time and actually use a pot, the noodles were of such quality that they deserved it. He decided to look through the fridge while the water came to a boil. Celeste hadn't been joking about the status of the fridge, it was indeed full. He did honestly feel a little bad, but he good to honest could not cook anything without something going wrong. He'd tried, many times. Always failed, one time he's managed to explode an egg while boiling it.

“Are you two arguing about noodles again?” Douxie heard Archie say from somewhere, then he heard two soft thumps from the office room and the shapeshifter came walking in. he was currently a cat, while he could easily just walk around like a dragon, he'd found it was easier to navigate the house as a cat, a standard house pet.

“What gave you that idea?” Douxie asked and put the flavouring in the pot.

“The screaming and running through the house mostly” Archie stretched and Douxie could hear him step into the living room, his soft paws tip tapping on the ground. “It can't be, Douxie finally won a game of Noodle Chase?”

“Nah, I won, but I decided to be merciful and give him some noodles, poor man has suffered for a whole two days after all!” Celeste laughed and Douxie could hear Archie start purring.

“You won't be laughing when I crack that safe of yours!”

“Oh please! You'd have to navigate it! Given the problems you have finding the keys in my purse I have no worries”

“I have always been curious, how come it takes you so long to find the keys in her purse? I thought it had a bright neon blue attachment on it?” Archie asked.

“Listen Arch, you cannot comment on that until you've tried yourself” Douxie put the noodles in the pot, now he just had to pray that nothing would set on fire and he'd be golden. “One of the greatest mysteries in this world, is the ability that women seem to have when packing their purses'' he walked to the kitchen door and looked out at them. “Same thing with Zoe, I once tried to find a box of matches in her purse, don't ask why, I couldn't find the bloody things and she just looked into it and pulled the suckers right out! I dont think i've ever seen a more clear look of 'you're as blind as a bat' as I did in her eyes that day”

“You wanna know how? Women do this thing called, organizing, in our purses”

“Ha ha, very funny love” Douxie walked back to his noodles and poked them. They were still too hard to pull off the heat. He was getting impatient and hungry. Although he wasn't sure if the noodles would actually satiate his hunger for long. That was another thing he could never say out loud, he knew noodles weren't the best, but damn if those suckers weren't satisfying still.

“You done soon? Movie's about to begin!” Celeste called from the couch. Douxie froze up for a second, he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. He tried remembering as hard as he could, and it did hit him.

He'd gone out for snacks because a movie was coming up they were gonna watch. An old horror movie that Celeste had been excited about.

“Yer fecking forgot about the Moovie didn't ye?” Douxie cringed a little at the Scottish accent creeping into Celeste's voice. Although it didn't last long, she began laughing. “oh relax, I can practically hear your muscles contract from here, just get your ass in the seat”

“Don't scare me like that” the noodles were finally soft and he poured them into a bowl. He hurried inside and sat on the couch next to Celeste. Archie was in her lap, well half in her lap and half on the couch, she had one free hand stuck in a bowl of popcorn.

“Did you forget to turn the stove off?” She asked, eyes glued to the screen. Douxie quickly snapped his fingers and the stove clicked a few times from the kitchen. “one day, you're gonna burn down the house, I can feel it”

“Nonsense, I'll just fireproof the house like Merlin did the bookstore!” he took a slurp of the noodles. The movie began and Douxie looked to his side. As he looked at his girlfriend, and arguably the closest he'd ever had to a brother sitting in her lap, his heart swelled in a way he hadn't felt before. He was pretty sure, it was pure untainted happiness.

“I love you” he said and kissed Celeste's cheek. She turned away from the screen, smiling at him before pecking his lips.

“I love you too, yer fecking noodle maniac”

#tales of arcadia #oc #tales of arcadia oc #fanfic

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busines303-blog · 5 years

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6 Things Alien Franchise Characters Do That Get Them Killed

New Post has been published on https://howtobuyfranchises.com/must-see/6-things-alien-franchise-characters-do-that-get-them-killed/

6 Things Alien Franchise Characters Do That Get Them Killed

This article spoils Alien: Covenant because that movie has been out for a couple weeks now and this is a pop culture comedy website.

Dear sir or madam,

Congratulations! We’ve reviewed your application and decided that you would be a fine addition to the crew of the Covenant, a colony ship that Weyland-Yutani is launching into space with 2,000 frozen colonists and over 1,000 embryos with the explicit intent of starting a new planet. We’re not sure how we’re going to make any money off of this, since we mainly specialize in building robots who are preoccupied with the purpose of their own existence and filling random rooms with priceless works of art for those robots to look at, but we’re sure whoever is in charge of this wacky experiment has something in mind. Maybe?

Anyway, though this is a dangerous mission, we at Weyland-Yutani have the utmost confidence that you will survive and do us all proud, provided you follow these very specific guidelines.

Don’t Investigate Weird Signals

I understand that space is quite massive and you are likely to be of the curious sort, given the nature of your chosen profession. But you are not here to explore. You’re not a scientist. And you are specifically not mandated by the head office to explore any possible evidence of alien life, like certain other ships. Your job is simply to get the thousands of innocent frozen people in your spaceship all the way through space to the cozy new planet we picked out for them. That’s it.

Again, there is no reason to investigate any weird signals, even if they’re playing John Denver, and especially if Danny McBride is excited about it.

This advice goes double if you’ve just suffered some kind of weird space catastrophe that damaged your ship like oh, say, a “neutrino burst.” Even though that may be something I just made up (not sure?) it sounds like the kind of thing that would mess with your sensors, planet-detectors, John Denver analyzers, and so on. Spaceships are huge, complicated machines full of cutting-edge technology and are vulnerable to mistakes.

So yeah, just stick to the plan. There’s literally no reason at all not to.

When you’re investigating that weird signal, please take some (or any) precautions

If for some reason you ignore that last piece of advice (I’m sure, if you have a reason, it’s a good one — it’s not like you’re a bunch of idiots or anything) please at least take serious precautions before landing and walking around on an alien planet. Put on a space suit, or something. Don’t just throw on some REI gear and call it good.

Fox This is a great example of a stupid thing to do.

You’re not Indiana Jones, you’re space explorers on another planet that’s in space. You can’t possibly know for sure that there are no weird gases or malicious microscopic organisms that might, I dunno, burrow in your nose, grow into a chihuahua-sized albino lizard monster, and explode out of your throat in a really cool way. I know that sounds like a paranoid, nutty thing to write down in a list of safety advice, but I really need to stress that we’re talking about space here. Anything is possible.

Fox This seems pretty ordinary in comparison to some other stuff I could think up, if you give me a minute.

Because the entire purpose of our mission is to travel to a new planet and set up a colony, you can rest assured that the Covenant is chock-full of the sort of technology you’d need to test out an alien planet and make sure it’s inhabitable. How do I know that? Because it’d be absolutely mac-and-cheese-smoothie ludicrous if we didn’t have those resources. Surely our current plan isn’t to land on Origae-6 and have you walk on out there and suck air through your teeth until you either give the thumbs up or die horribly. I know what we’re paying you, and it’s a lot (McBride could easily afford a new hat, for example), but it’s not enough to do that.

If I’m wrong and we don’t have those precautions, then really I’m just gonna have to refer you back to the first point, man.

Once You’re Investigating A Weird Signal Without Having Taken Any Precautions, At Least Stick Together

So for reasons that are, again, surely not totally idiotic, you couldn’t follow my first two bits of advice. And now you’re wandering around on an alien planet, dressed like you’re going on a day-hike with your grandpa, lighting cigarettes and shouting and casually remarking about how “there are no birds, no animals at all,” before you just stick your nose right into what appears to be a clutch of black eggs that squirts sparkling dust into the air that is one of the most ominous and suspicious things I can imagine encountering.

Fine. I guess. Maybe don’t split up though?

You’re not under any time constraints. You’re not worried about running low on fuel. You’ll have plenty of time to test the water’s ammonia and nitrate/nitrite levels and scan the atmosphere for flesh-eating viruses over the next few days, or weeks, or months. In fact, you should probably get to that signal before you even bother running any tests, because maybe you’re going to find whatever was broadcasting the John Denver and realize it’s John Denver. And then what if he forcibly impregnates you, and a tiny John Denver bursts out of your chest and kills everyone on your ship? Does that sound like the kind of planet you’d want to colonize? One jam-packed with murderous John Denvers?

Watch Out For That Blood!

If you’ve ignored all the previous advice for a variety of increasingly stupid reasons, then there is sure to be at least one big puddle of blood. That’s fine, as long as you:

Do.

Not.

Slip in it.

If one person slips in a puddle of blood, that’s a mistake. If two people slip in the same puddle within a few lousy minutes of each other, then I’m starting to wonder if this is less a “spaceship crew” and more “improv comedy.” You don’t need to “Yes, And” the alien, guys. He’s not a team player. He’s an alien and he wants to kill you.

(At this point it’s safe to assume your spaceship is lousy with aliens. I mean, how can it not be).

And even if that alien is freaking you out please, please, please don’t just fire your weapon wildly in a room full of stuff that can-

After Your Pilot Blows Up Your Ship And You’re Rescued By An Obviously Evil Fassbenderbot, Be Cautious About Which Robot You Trust Because We Haven’t Updated Their Appearance Yet For Some Reason

Like all responsible Space Adventure companies, we’ve put a robot on your crew. To keep it from becoming evil, we gave it an American accent.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But the robots are identical! What if they try to switch places, and the evil British one fakes the American accent?”

Oh, you weren’t thinking that? It hadn’t occurred to you at all? You’re thinking about log cabins?

Where do we find you people?

If You’re Going to Try and Engineer a Bioweapon, At Least Don’t Make It Worse Than the BioWeapon You Already Have

Hi, David. I imagine by now every single member of the Covenant‘s crew is either dead or has been tricked into hypersleep by you, the only intelligent person in this whole movie. So this last tip is for you:

If you’re going to use the Alien Engineer’s black-goo technology to make a new race of killer aliens, at least don’t make the monsters less effective than they already are? I mean, the pale dog-alien thing that can headbutt through glass and can infect you without you even realizing it seems a lot more scary and dangerous than the thing that burst out of Billy Crudup’s chest and immediately started to raise-tha-roof. And that alien, by the way, is a lot tougher than the aliens we meet later in the Sigourney Weaver movies. Seems like your experiments are just making everything lamer. Seems like you’re kinda bad at what you do.

Maybe don’t mess with a good thing? Maybe just leave it alone? You know what they say: “Curiosity killed the cat.” In fact, you should say that out loud during the movie, especially since it’s the core theme of the entire franchise. And don’t worry about being too on-the-nose — in space, no one can hear a theme.

JF Sargent is a senior editor and columnist for Cracked and a huge, huge, huge fan of all the Alien movies (even Resurrection!). Give him a shouty-shout on Twitter or Facebook.