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rabbitindisguise · 11 months

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we had this big conversation as a household and it got me thinking about like . . . what sets me off sometimes about things like this, and I think it's hitting my moral scrupulosity reflex (or rather moral injury trauma it's apparently called, wrt my personal PTSD experience of it)

I've talked about before how social justice has been associated with the rise in moral scrupulosity and OCD I think. Personally I've always felt indebted to social justice because even if in many ways it failed me, it also saved my life in many ways as well so it justified a lot of the things random people on the internet said even though it was totally baseless. The encroaching fear was like "I think they're wrong but . . . what if they're right?"

also it's super easy to be around people who have a neurosis and pick it up on accident, my brain just seems to rebel hard against that because autism brain HATE change

personally I'm starting to understand that things I feel compulsions to do like donate to charity, eat local, reduce waste, etc won't make up for the time I felt like I couldn't behave morally because my life was in danger. Shopping a small local businesses won't change the fact that when cornered I behaved like an asshole (and will probably continue to, because fight or flight instincts are hard to change) and that's what I feel guilty over. I felt a lot of resentment recently directed at people who are distressed that they didn't "fight back hard enough" until I realized that people how their own goals they want to work towards, and that not having to fight back feels like a luxury to me when considering the alternatives of "get abused" and "get abused and feel bad about how I responded." Because for me I don't blame someone for not fighting back but now I totally understand that because there are people who do, it's possible to feel that way about your own actions the way I feel guilty even now for not maintaining my moral integrity in a life or death situation.

And that makes it surprisingly easy to accept? I think I can handle a bit more moral hangwringing now that I feel like the stakes are lower. I don't think constantly being exposed to people asking "is this moral" is healthy for me, but I think if I add more interactions where I don't think about that sort of thing that would be good for me.

That relates to an overall conversation about pets- I feel like I had such a gut deep visceral reaction against the idea that an animal could be held responsible for another animal's death because they had to eat or die, and it really surprised me, and I realized I'm an animal as well. If I don't know something, if I can't avoid doing something like using a plastic straw or buying from a chain store, then there's nothing to be held responsible for. Just like I don't ever blame cats for biting people. I can extend the sort of peace I feel around animals where I can get unconditional affection based on just behaving in a kind way alone to life in general and to myself. It all also reminded me that I was holding people who owned pets to such a high standard for so long because unlike other things I wasn't really allowing people to not know better, and I was treating them like how I treat myself when I do something I don't agree with. Which isn't great. Stopping that habit was a good idea, and hopefully having done that means I can translate that to my other problems.

I think I should get more into fandom stuff again based on these realizations because that's always been my oasis of doing shitty things without having to feel guilty about it. I could try reading some mafia AUs or something and see if that makes me feel better

#personal #mental illness

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foxounderscorecube · 1 year

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House of Hollow - Krystal Sutherland

4½ ⭐

This book fucks!

I impulse-bought this because the description sounded like it could be interesting, but I didn't really know what I was getting into. I didn't expect something so visceral and full of body horror, but I am a big fan of that, so that was a very good surprise.

The three sisters are all very distinct. Iris is trying so hard to be a normal, everyday person, and although the scenes of her bullying are relatively surface-level, they are enough to paint a pretty good picture of how she's viewed at her school and don't seem unrealistic. I do find her hint of attraction to Justine Khan an interesting twist on it, too - especially in combination with the fear of the power she can have over people. Vivi is the least interesting, in my opinion. She's kind of a stereotype of what a punk is. However, she is very sexy and if Sutherland was trying to make a thirst-trap character, she succeeded. Even if she's got the least to think about in regards to her character, she's likeable and I would date her. Grey is horrifying from the start, honestly. She loves her sisters and her fashion line sounds great but she is Not Right. I mean, why she's like that is a pretty important part of the story, but it's cool learning more about her and the appalling lengths she'll go to look out for her sisters.

The queer rep in the story is very casual and I love that. It isn't particularly important but it is part of the identities of Vivi and Iris and ah, it's just so nice to see.

Also, Tyler is adorable. I think the feelings Iris sort of harboured towards him were handled really well. I can't believe he got fucking flayed, though… And I'll admit, I kind of hope there is no sequel? Because it ends with Iris and Vivi going to search for Tyler in the Halfway and I think them wanting to find him (or, at least, Iris wanting to) makes perfect sense and I get it as an ending. But I don't think he should be found. Or, maybe it'd be more accurate to say that I don't want to know, if that makes sense. I like it being open-ended. Iris is right, though - kind of fucked how poor Tyler, who was a good egg, died when Grey stayed alive.Spoiler-filled tangent aside, though, I think Tyler's good because he's a bit of a bitch, bit of a himbo, but smart and caring. He's a genuinely good ally in the sisters' predicament and loveable as slight comic relief.

Cate is a very well-written mother, I think. She's controlling and overprotective and overall not exactly the best, but she loves Vivi and Iris so much and it shows. In particular, that she still loves them when she discovers what they are from Grey speaks to her character. It's horrible how much she hates Grey, but I can't say I blame her! She's a pretty realistic portrayal of a parent: not romanticised or villainised, but a person with flaws that impact her children despite her love for them.

I think that's the thing that I love so much about this book. Some bits feel a bit YA, you know? But most of it is this dark, fantastical stuff happening to people that react pretty much how you'd expect. I'm not going to say they're totally relatable - I mean, they live in London and the word "sourdough" comes up SO often because they seem to eat the most bougie stuff possible and there were points where I was just thinking "this lunch has got to be so pricey :(" - but despite the strange magic that the sisters have, they're just… young women, really.

Everything with Gabe is… a lot. I feel for him, honestly, despite it all. I like the difference in reactions to the sisters' initial disappearance and the changes afterwards between Cate and Gabe. I do feel like this book is mostly about familial relations and it depicts them in a really interesting way, with the supernatural stuff complementing it fantastically.

Basically, I had SO much fun reading this. It's creepy and clever and the decay imagery… so good.

#read 2023 #reviewed 2023 #books #reading #horror #ya fiction #I didn't know this was ya until I started reading it but it doesn't really matter #did I like this because I have such a weakness for decay metaphors and stuff? mayhap #but i don't care because I had fun reading it and that's what counts

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