#i have a bad habit of projecting aspects of my own self onto favorite fandom characters that they often don't line up with | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

honeycowinnit · 3 years

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interview with a fic writer ! tagged by @halorocks1214 THANKS BESTIE <33

1. Your favourite fic that you’ve written (or the one you want to give a shout out to)

my favorite fic that I've written is DEFINITELY everyday every hour turn that pain into power, which is my BABY and a vigilante Tommy fic that's i've been working on for Five months now. I've put a lot of thought into plot and character and relationships and am trying my best to get as many dsmp characters in it <3

another one would definitely be Sinks Her Roots bc I adore magical realism and found family and platonic soulmates....its basically just a bunch of self indulgence that a lot of people seem to enjoy ❣❣😞

2. Your favourite fic title that you’ve come up with

my favorite fic title that I've come up with would have to be labors of love bc it's just a cute bit referenced from the fic that makes me really happy ^-^

the bit in question: The assignment wasn't just an assignment- it was a labor of love. A collaborative effort. Definitive proof that Tommy's friendship was much more than just an obligation to Wilbur.

3. How do you get inspiration to write?

I get inspiration to write from specific words or phrases or song lyrics that I hear that make me think of whatever my favorite character is atm ! that's why a lot of my titles are song lyrics, because those are the vibes I'm pulling from.

I also get a lot of fic insp from poetry and other people's stories that I read ^-^ I always try to link to the fic that inspired it if I can remember bc I want more ppl to read the original <3

4. Your favourite genre/subgenre of fic to write

like halo said, DEFINITELY hurt/comfort bc it's very comforting and a nice way to vent <3 also I love action comedies which works really well when writing a character like Tommy who is VERY active and very witty!

and of course, magical realism has always been very high up there for me bc I get to stretch my description writing legs :D

5. Do you have other hobbies?

other hobbies include writing poetry, painting, singing, the occasional friendly debate and baking <3

6. A fun fact about you that a lot of people may not know

ooooo ummm my favorite color was purple for a while but only because a guy in fourth grade wrote down his dream girlfriend and every aspect matched with me except for the favorite color...obviously I grew to like the color on it's own, but now I think I really like the color orange/ yellow. character growth I guess 😭

7. Pick one character to self-project onto

oh there are a lot, but I can break it down into a certain type. in every fandom I've ever been in, I've found a character (most times it's a guy) who makes a habit of hiding his true feelings behind snark or jokes. they're often misunderstood by the people around them and could be determined to deserve better .... someone somewhere is filling out a psych chart on me I know it ....

8. Favourite genre of music

any variation of pop music, but recently it's been pop-rock like bad bad hats or instrumentals, mainly scores from movies !

9. Your favourite singer/band

bad bad hats, the band camino and Ellie goulding :)

10. How have your experience in fandom been?

it's been alright! a bit of a mixed bag. some fandoms are super chill whereas others are more intense and make me reel back a bit haha. but I've met really cool and fun people in all of them and that's one of my favorite things abt fandom spaces ^-^

tagging: @wednesdayyevening @ferverdream @bellfort3 @noorahqar

#:DDDD #THANKS FOR THE TAG HALO I HAD FUN <3333 #my fics

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iskierka · 5 years

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Body Image and Aziraphale, or, Violently Projecting My Issues Onto This Character The Way God Intended

In honor of my new URL, I wanted to get down some of my feelings around body image since I’ve been doing a lot of projecting onto Aziraphale recently. I want to talk about both why Aziraphale is one of my favorite (and one of the more positive examples of) fat characters, and why I still relate to him through the lens of my own issues.

First off, there are a few trigger warnings that could apply here, but mainly if you’ve struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating or body image in general, even though this isn’t a graphic discussion or anything, this may not necessarily be something you want to read.

Having dealt with different eating disorders for ten or eleven years now, and body image issues for longer than that, fat characters are really important to me—but only when they’re treated well (by the production, not as necessarily the other characters). There’s obviously a big difference between how Aziraphale is portrayed and how, say, a character like Thor was portrayed in Endgame. Aziraphale is fat, but it isn’t in and of itself A Personality Trait. However, I don’t think it’s a purely physical trait either. In fact, him being fat reflects the good (if not Angelic Good) aspects of his character. Aziraphale enjoys the comforts and pleasures of earth, and his body is just a reflection of that. I see it as a reflection of his love for the world. And look: when Gabriel says “lose the gut” the implication is for Aziraphale to miracle himself into shape, right? What’s made clear here is that Aziraphale can change the way he looks at any time. I think this is to be expected, but it’s important in this context because it means Aziraphale likes that he’s soft. When he comes back with “I’m soft,” it’s a reflection of how he sees himself in a permanent sort of way. Physical softness is not an immutable trait for him, but of course Aziraphale is not talking only about his physical form. His whole being is soft. (Certainly, there are other aspects to his personality; Aziraphale is just enough of a bastard to be worth liking. But compared to the rest of the Host that we see: other angels are rigid in a way that he just isn’t.) Basically, what I see is this: one, part of what makes Aziraphale likable (his love for the world) goes hand in hand with his being fat, and two, Aziraphale has made a conscious choice to be fat.

So then, something else about me: I’ve always felt alienated from body positivity and fat activism. It doesn’t matter whether I’m a size 6 or 22, as someone who has spent—spends—quite a lot of their time genuinely hating their body, those spaces have always felt unwelcoming. My experiences with eating disorders have felt often unwelcome in the context of fat activism. (“Deal with your shit on your own time.”) I’m not able to muster enough Positivity to be a proper activist. So, it may seem odd that a character like this, one so at home and satisfied with being fat, has struck me so emotionally. There are a few reasons here that I see that make Aziraphale comforting rather than needling at these same insecurities. I believe that’s because how little attention the show pays to him being fat. It’s not something that’s really negative or positive in its portrayal. Sure, Gabriel makes that “lose the gut” comment, but it’s not something the audience is meant to side with him on. He’s the villain here, and it’s also meant to be a bit silly or absurd—maybe you could put it in with his disturbance at Aziraphale eating sushi, which shows how much closer to “being” human Aziraphale is than the other angels. And on the other hand, while I have kind of argued here that his fatness is put in a positive light, but I don’t think that’s an overt thing. (For most people watching casually, Aziraphale’s weight is irrelevant and nothing but a one-off joke.) And it isn’t only treated that way by the powers that be, Aziraphale himself, in calling himself soft, says that is integral to him in an absolutely natural way—it’s just part of who he is.

But here’s the thing: I’ve near read my way through the body image and eating disorder tags for Good Omens on AO3. One fic in particular where Aziraphale begins to develop an eating disorder, I’ve already read through four times.* Honestly, it is that normality of his fatness, the permanence of it and role in his own self-image, that make this whole genre (I suppose?) of fics hit so hard for me. For a lot of people including myself, EDs are a form of self-harm. So what makes stories where a character like Aziraphale struggles with issues like these so rending is that it would be a representation of a deeper unhappiness with the fundamental parts of who he is.

And maybe to a lot of people, it seems just a little bit this side of absurd still that he ever would.** But people with EDs often share certain personality traits. A few I recognize in Aziraphale’s character: a tendency towards (personal) harm avoidance, worry, and lack of emotional openness. I think there a few examples of each of these. First harm avoidance—besides just his general desire to avoid ending the world (this is much, much more tied to his love for it anyway), I think his reticence in his relationship with Crowley (“you go too fast for me”) shows this best. Their relationship is also likely the best example of his emotional barriers. (Sure, he isn’t cold like other angels, but nor is he open, and Aziraphale seems to desire that warmth and closeness from connection in a way that the rest of the Host do not.) There are many points where his tendency to over-worry comes across: thinking Crowley is asking for a suicide pill, after five centuries still worrying Heaven will care about the Arrangement—these come up over and over. Maybe it isn’t so unreasonable to think that some version of Aziraphale could fall into an ED. Look at it this way: you lose your only real anchor on earth, your trust in the goodness and rightness of Heaven is broken down, so you try some way to feel in control again, no matter how irrational. Another part of Aziraphale that I think speaks to this tendency to fall into this as a coping mechanism is his position as a protector, a guardian. He lives a role that is about serving and providing for others. When you have an identity constructed around providing comfort, security, and faith to others, it can feel very natural to turn to inwardly or personally destructive habits like EDs instead of reaching out or opening up to others. If you lose some fundamental outward belief, it often feels insurmountable to also reassess your perception of yourself (“lose faith in yourself”) and seek out support.***

I think part of the reason that Aziraphale is comfortable for me to project on here is that his body is established as something neutral-to-positive in canon, while being fat is something negative societally. His character doesn’t bring baggage, and so I think those of use who are fat or have struggled with body image see ourselves in him. For some people that means seeing a character able to be beyond societal pressures on the body, for others it means seeing a powerful character still able to fall into the same things we do and not be bad or weak because of it.

I’m stopping here for now and I know this is all pretty jumbled, but I’ve just been feeling like I need to get this down. It’s been nice to see some positivity about Aziraphale being fat, but sometimes it can be hard to see only positivity because I can’t relate to that. I’m really happy to be in a fandom again where there are characters who aren’t fit/skinny & I love reading all y’all’s fic and seeing fanart—it’s meant a lot. Also: if you too have fat Aziraphale feelings, pls pls come talk to me!!!

* link to that fic

** I know there are reasons why this seems weird re: story mechanics, but I don’t think it’s that hard to understand this plausibly within canon. I’ve got lots of ideas anyway :^)

*** I’m trying not to stray into headcanon territory here but I think it is important that any fic that deals with EDs doesn’t fall into a gets together with/receives affirmation from skinny partner and ED suddenly disappears trope. The reality is that EDs usually stick around after whatever crisis that might’ve triggered their development has passed.

#i know this is messy & it's not really even analysis it's just a jumble of stuff but! just needed 2 get it out there u feel.#ok but also that last paragraph i was thinking about being in les mis fandom and grantaire &#he's a character i strongly hc to have an ed but its not.... healing? in the same way it is with aziraphale #anyway there are about 20 addendums i might could add #like not all eds are about body image and some lead to weight gain not loss #i've experienced both of the latter like. im just thinking more about restrictive eds here #but idk don't wanna go through and explain the reasoning behind all my ~~assumptions here #y'all're like welcome to send asks abt eds i just don't wanna have to write an essay in tags #good omens #aziraphale #i write #my fat aziraphale feelings tag #ed tw #eating disorder tw #body image tw #fatshaming tw #? not really sure what else to add but please please let me know i really don't want to trigger anyone #katie speaks

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mild-lunacy · 7 years

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It sometimes (often) boggles my mind that people misunderstand or twist certain basic things about a story, and it takes a lot of will power not to tell people that they're Wrong On The Internets. It's especially bad (for me) when people baldly state (or imply) totally wrong and incorrect things casually and confidently, like the idea that Ronan loves Kavinsky on the same level as Gansey and Adam, for example; I mean, even putting Adam and Gansey on the exact same level is wrong, but adding Kavinsky is a special touch. Or just that Ronan loves Kavinsky but is in denial or just won't/can't admit it. Orrrr... Ronan is a bad person somehow. At first I'm boggled at that too-- like, wow, some people think he is a bad person who doesn't 'deserve' Adam. However, I feel like seeing that is actually helpful. Like, I get caught up in false statements given without any context, so I have the knee-jerk urge to argue, but someone admitting they don't like Ronan at the same time they say they don't like Pynch is very helpful, 'cause I can pinpoint the bias. So maybe the person who thinks Ronan loves Kavinsky doesn't like Adam and/or just doesn't get him and only projects onto Ronan. Simple.

I think I'm obsessed with understanding people's biases 'cause otherwise I'd just be obsessing that people are Wrong, like the stereotypical geek arguing with random people on the Internet would do. I don't care if people just... don't like my favorite characters or don't get them. That's just life; that's people. I think incorrect statements only bother me when they're totally separate from the context of who's saying them and why. Given that sense of motivation, I'm very open to all sorts of views, and I know I can be extremely patient and open-minded. Given little to none, I get angry and frustrated very easily, though I still don't get into pointless arguments... but that's just my conflict avoidant nature.

I'll admit it doesn't always help, because sometimes people are wrong because of divergent values. Like, people who say Adam has freckles and it *doesn't matter* that it's not canon or it's actively *great* that everyone thinks so, 'cause canon sucks or isn't important. It's not factually wrong because it's an inherently subjective statement. You can't argue it, but it's still frustrating, and if it was a more serious issue, it could generate conflict. I'm not equally open to all values, and I'm a lot more easy-going than most people. If I love a canon enough to be in fandom for it, I get upset at being in fandom where people love and value their own stuff more than canon. It's understandable and unsurprising, but seeing the nature of others' bias isn't enough in this case. In that case, I need a deeper understanding, a focus on group dynamics rather than individual bias. Thinking of this in the context of trends in fandom rather than an individual's values is helpful 'cause I can see how people inevitably believe or value certain things because of how their lives are shaped.

It's easy to get angry or self-righteous when you don't take the time to understand others. I don't do it to be good or to be kind. I don't think I'm being altruistic or even impractical. I just think constantly resenting others in a low-key way (which is what any bias or prejudice is) becomes exhausting and stressful for me, first and foremost. I think having an issue with some people's opinions or behaviors is pretty inevitable, because some people are genuinely doing or saying unacceptable things, but the more issues you have, the more your energy is wasted. Most stuff people say on the Internet is pointless to get caught up in, and I say that as someone who's very sensitive to the ridiculous things people say. It's not easy for me and I'm not naturally apathetic the way some people are. I can't just blow it off as unimportant because it does bother me, as I said, but that's my point. Getting caught up is a choice. Not engaging on the lowest possible level is a constant effort, but it's an important effort to make.

A lot of it's probably about having a critical reaction to one's own feelings and reactions, which is difficult and not really encouraged in society. People are told when what they think or feel is wrong (or they're just ostracized), but they're not told to *think*, to observe others, let alone themselves. But the way to deal with any social interaction effectively is inevitably about consciously constructing some aspects of one's behavior and responses. Awareness is the first step, and redirection is the second. Bias is a long-term, ongoing reaction that requires close observation to understand and contain both in oneself and others.

Anyway, I don't want to imply I'm that good at it. For all my internal efforts at understanding, I'm still pretty uncomfortable with fandom and a lot of the people who're dismissive or intolerant of others in some ways are actually pretty open in others (particularly to do with fanon). I guess one way to look at it is that most people have problems with different aspects of fandom and genuinely enjoy the underlying tendencies and habits of mind. The solution for these people is just to find their subsection of fandom and stick to it. Just like with real life, if you find your place in the community, it becomes less necessary to integrate oneself with people outside that circle. I think I only really have to work on understanding (for less social payoff) because I don't really *have* a social circle broad enough for the name. All of fandom is more or less alien to me, though I'm relatively more uncomfortable with people who ship things I don't. But that's not to say fellow shippers are an automatic comfort zone, either. I don't know to what extent I'd be concerned about understanding people's biases if I felt I had a home base or sense of community I never needed to look beyond for too long.

I do think that when it comes to conflict with opposing viewpoints or misunderstandings, people benefit from close exposure to people on the other side. I suppose understanding will still be the result, but is simply likely to be more unconscious for most people. They would probably simply grow to accept others as 'one of us' and thus given a default mutual context. I don't know if conscious understanding of people's biases or beliefs in context is necessary. It's probably not. I suppose I think it can be useful to think about things more deeply. And in general, I do find thinking critically to be useful and generally positive. In many contexts, it is necessary. In the social context? Proper behavior may or may not be more than sufficient. I'm not sure.

#pointless rambles #me myself and i #oh fandom #fandom meta #raven cycle #characterization #shipping #critical thinking

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