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ajaegerpilot · 2 years

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ok to make myself feel better im writing out a list of books i've read since my dad died, possibly in order of having been read:

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir (an 'and then there were none' murder mystery novel set in a decrepit castle on an abandoned planet wherein the system everyone grew up in was traumatic and continues to be traumatic in unique ways)

harrow the ninth (secondary because gideon was not the protag. but huge props for the way the voice(s) were written from the new perspective. in a sense both more and less plot-heavy than the first, quite different overall it just happens that the first will probably be my favourite out of the whole series)

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer (paradigm-changing book for sure. collection of short essays, so it's very manageable to read though taking time to think about the concepts which for me were often quite new made it a longer read. also, while this is technically nonfiction I suppose, it's still beautifully written and very much a series of stories being told, so I'm counting it as 'fiction' as it scratches that part of my brain as well)

myth of sisyphus by albert camus (i love this bitch. grimly inspirational and cunty all at the same time, he has the range. the translation i got was beautifully written, though ofc I can't say much for its fidelity to the original)

the little prince (short, easily achievable, makes me feel kind of morose. read it because i wanted to recreate the gideon the ninth vibes. does let you meditate about what love and childhood and imagination is)

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado (collection of short-stories, typically with a horror element, and honestly short-story collections might be my favourite type of book to read as someone who is not great at reading. incredibly rich imagination, written beautifully (although sometimes the descriptions can be Too Much). re-readability potential is HIGH as sometimes you don't understand what's happening until the end (if then) + I think this would be a great book for a book club. except that it has tons of triggers and is kind of horny.)

im trying to read the bear by andrew krivak right now but i think its a little too simply written for me. a kind of want to read 'a man called ove' by frederick backman as i've heard it's good(??), maybe carmen maria machado's more recent book/autobiography bc again I was very impressed by her writing style. i'm working through an e.e. cummings' poetry collection (who knows when i'll finish that) and a book on science writing with my lab. also I feel like I mayy like ursula guein's books, so I'm kind of eyeing her up as well. anyway, I think what I need in a story, or specifically a long story, is 1) beautiful writing 2) characters I care about, and I'll DNF pretty much anything else :P. anyway if u guys have recommendations i'll take 'em.

#btw my dad being dead is not really completely relevant to the fact of the books its just that this is how i categorize my life now #misha speaks #the exception to the beautiful writing thing was that 'this is how we win the time war' book because like. again i think the characters are #the same character and im NOT interested in a romance between the same characters. i dont care that its a novella its too long to keep me.#reads

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screeching-0wl · 2 years

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Hi! I wanted to start by thanking you for being open to answer questions and for even running this blog! Its helped me tons, lol

I just got the sudden urge to learn about the funerary rites of Hellenism and of the ancients. My partner has breast cancer and they just recently began their journey within this religion. Death has been part of our conversations often, and neither of us are afraid of it. I'm more afraid that the world won't be able to recognize or get to know this wonderful human being. Part of this fear is that they might not get the funeral they deserve because their family isnt Hellenic. We're very open about this type of conversation because of their diagnosis, and they've even been distressed that their funeral might be turned Christian, and they've spoken and started planning their funeral already (very dark, I know, but they've still got a few years, and even longer if treatment goes well). They've had trouble finding resources for this type of thing, and since I'm not Hellenic, I also don't know where to look. I thought I'd ask you!

TL;DR: I'd love it immensely if you could help me with gaining knowledge on the funerary rites of this religion!

Hello there!

I'm assuming you're asking more about Ancient Greece but in case you might also be interested in Ancient Rome just message me in asks or DMs and I could do a short summary of Roman burial rites as well. The differences aren't super drastic but they're there.

This is quite a long post but I think I was able to mention the most relevant things. I also won't really mention Mycenaen customs but focus on later time periods.

The importance of burial rites in Ancient Greece

Burial rites were very important. A funeral was seen as a religious duty for the living and a rite of passage for the dead, a ritual and a way to "hand over" the person to the forces of The Underworld. The ancients strongly believed that without receiving proper funerary honours one could not enter Hades. In this case, some sources also mention the soul being "suspended" in-between the worlds of the living and the dead. They were pretty serious about it; so much so that apart from common morality, it was protected by law and such negligence could've resulted in a serious penalty. The ghosts of the unburied were also allowed to return to the realm above to visit the living in the form of dreams and demand a proper burial, e.g. Sisyphus who used this to his advantage.

The least one could do for the deceased was to throw three handfuls of soil onto the body. This was still an accepted form of burial that would allow the person into The Underworld.

A good example of this is in Sophocles' Antigone:

After the attack on Thebes Kreon orders the body of Eteocles to be "buried in such a way so that the dead welcome him in The Underworld with respect." He then orders the body of Polyneices, who wanted to conquer Thebes, to the dogs and birds to feed on. This was a HUGE offence. Antigone, who was the sister of both men decided to perform the simple funerary rite that I mentioned above.

The Afterlife, death & what's going on?

I already briefly touched on The Afterlife but now, let's talk about some mythology and more views the ancients had on the matter.

Funerary practices in ancient Greece were heavily influenced by contemporary views on the afterlife, concepts such as pollution, the costs and sometimes even politics.

The view of the afterlife could differ. There was no complete uniformity of the concept of death and Hades in the Hellenic world, although some widely accepted, more mainstream thoughts and theories did exist. As the times changed, those things could also experience slight changes or be accompanied by some new takes on the subject.

Hades

Hades was the Ancient Greek Underworld and the final resting place for departed souls. From Homer, we learn that Hades is a dark, subterranean place located at the ends of the earth, on the far shore of the earth-encircling river Okeanos, beyond the gates of the Sun and the Land of Dreams. Hades was enclosed by the Akherousian Lake and three rivers: the Styx, Kokytos and Pyriphlegethon, although other accounts may also mention three more rivers of The Underworld: Lethe, Eridanos and Acheron.

It was said that were different ways to reach the realm but the most common was probably through the river Styx. Charon and Hermes aided with the transport. The dead crossed the river, passed through gates guarded by the hound Cerberus, and presented themselves before the king and queen of the underworld.

What's interesting, though is that Homer most likely did not know of Elysian Fields or Tartarean Hell, rather all shades, heroes and villains alike, came to rest in the gloom of Hades but it wasn't always like that.

In the classical period, the Underworld went through some renovations! Philosophers, prophets and religious mysteries contributed to modifying the land of the dead to incorporate an Elysian paradise for the good and a Tartarean hell for the wicked. The souls were judged and assigned a suitable afterlife. Sometimes the dead were also described as roaming around the Asphodel Meadows - a place for the ordinary.

Death

During the moment of death, the soul (psyche) leaves the body through the mouth or an open wound, depending on the cause of death. According to Homer other elements, namely the thumos (from the heart) and the vital spirit (aion) in the case of young people, also escape from the body but play no further role. The corpse which remains simply decomposes and is of no further importance. Its only role is to be buried so that the deceased will be granted access to the underworld.

In antiquity, death like some other things was associated with pollution (miasma), not in terms of hygiene but rather it could have been considered "an act repulsive to the gods". It's quite a complicated subject, so in short, I suppose it's somewhat of "spiritual" pollution. For this reason dying in sacred places, temples, etc. was quite literally prohibited, take Delos for example. Often the tombs and necropoleis were located outside cities but this also depended on the region, time, etc.

Reincarnation did exist within the ancient greek belief systems but only within certain groups (Orphists, Platonists, Pythagoreans) and was not generally accepted.

Types of burial

The preferences here also might've differed, especially as the times changed and the age could also play a role in what the burial looked like.

Homeric era: cremation was more common than burial. Graves were simple, rectangular pits for corpses or urns containing ashes. Cremations were performed elsewhere. The sides of the graves were lined with tightly stacked stones or clay and the corpses were in shrouds, rather than coffins. A heap of ground was piled over the closed grave, and sometimes a small stone dais was built. If a gravestone or wooden marker was provided, it was placed at the head of the grave in the case of a burial, or in the centre on top of the grave mound in the case of cremation. Sometimes a large clay urn was left on the grave and gifts for the afterlife were placed either in them or in special recesses next to them.

The Archaic era: an even greater preference for cremation, except for children. Cremations were regularly performed within the grave itself. Grave offerings continued and terracotta coffins began to be used but graves were no longer lined with stones. Grave mounds became much larger, and ornamental gravestones and memorial columns became popular.

The Classical period: cremation and burial were equally popular. Grave structures became simpler and more uniform. With time, grave coverings became larger and more complex. Group graves (perioboloi) became popular and prominent state tombs for Attic soldiers, where annual ceremonies were performed.

Grave goods: They could include food, clothes, jewellery, grooming items, weapons, pottery or even pets.

The burial could also look different depending on the circumstances and the person (e.g. s*icide, victims of murder) and in really extreme cases they could even be forbidden as the most severe form of punishment (criminals, traitors, etc.).

Funeral: step-by-step

The customs might have varied depending on the region and the times. Here, however, I'll focus on the Attic (Athenian) burial.

Preparations

At the moment of death, the eyes and mouth were gently closed by one of those present. Sometimes a coin - obol (or danake) was placed in the mouth of the deceased (more about this particular custom below).

Then the relatives of the deceased, primarily women, conducted the elaborate burial rituals that consisted of three main parts: the prothesis (laying out of the body), the ekphora (funeral procession), and the interment of the body or cremated remains of the deceased.

1. Prothesis

This was the first stage - an indoor preparation of the corpse. The prothesis took place the day after a death in the house and prior to being transported to the grave. It lasted the whole day, and this was when the traditional laments were sung and the relatives and friends of the deceased said farewell for the last time. Bandaged in a linen wrapper (endyma), the body was laid out on a type of bed (kline). The head of the deceased was raised on a headrest. It was the women of the family who were in charge of preparing the corpse for its laying out. They washed it rubbed it with olive oil and some sweet-smelling unguents, dressed it, and decorated it with flowers, wreaths and jewellery. This was considered a very sacred duty.

One of the customs for preparation was also that the body should not be entirely covered by the drapings.

When it comes to the colour scheme, the colour of the bed, the wrappings or shroud was not uniformly white (although it was the usual go-to) - there were some violets and even some greens. The women present at the preparation were wearing different colours of the garment called himation (a type of cloth also worn as a headscarf).

2. Ekphora

Another stage was the pre-dawn funeral procession. It had to take place before sunrise so that it wouldn’t create a public nuisance. The procession came on the day following the prothesis - the third day after death (this even was a law in Athens). It might, however, be put off several days to allow for the arrival of distant friends. The corpse was carried from home to the burial site, probably on the same bed that it was prepared on but if someone was wealthy, the body would be transported in a cart or carriage drawn by horses. The men walked before the corpse and the women behind. It also appears that musicians were hired to play mournful tunes on the flute and sing dirges. Those who accompanied the funeral wore mourning garments.

3. Burial & cremation

The burial ritual for a corpse (or for the ashes after cremation) was a simple one. Relatives conducted the burial service. No priests were present due to the "pollution" that I mentioned earlier.

Both inhumation and cremation were practised. The corpse was buried wrapped in a cloth, sometimes enclosed in a coffin. The coffins could be made of clay or cypress wood. Sometimes, however, these pottery coffins were very highly decorated - painted in brilliant colours with representations of lily leaves and palms, the flowering acanthus and the lotus, with wreaths and intricate tracery. This was, however, also a matter of wealth.

The types of tombs ranged from simple stelae to temple-like structures but there were tombs that were merely heaps of earth.

In the case of cremation, the ashes (in a container) were also buried in a grave. Cremation, being more costly, was usually seen as more prestigious. The pile of wood (πυρά) upon which the body was burned was sometimes erected over the grave in which the ashes were to be buried. Just before the flames had entirely vanished, wine was poured on to extinguish the pyre, and whatever bones were left were collected into the urn with the rest of the ashes. Then the urn was buried.

Some accounts also mention that grain was traditionally strewn over the grave after it had been filled in but I'm not sure how common it was. This could have formed part of the ta trita ceremony, which would be repeated three days later and was followed by the drinking and pouring of libations for the gods. Some libations could also have been poured at the grave as it was accepted they could strengthen souls in Hades. Gifts for the deceased were also then left on or in the grave.

4. Other

Perideipnon - funeral feast: After all the previous steps, the family would return to the house of death for a feast commemorating the deceased’s life and praising their deeds, which they would enjoy with great conviviality, wearing crowns and festive wreaths. Some believed that the spirit of the deceased was present at the feast as well.

The mourning process

The outward (often purposefully slightly exaggerated) grief was present during prothesis and ekphora. Some say that it was common for the women to beat their breasts, tear at their cheeks, pour the ashes on their heads and knock their heads upon the ground. The grief could also manifest through wearing black or dark-coloured clothes and garments (especially during ekphora). Shaving one's head or cutting the hair was also a very clear sign of grief.

Not many details are known of the ta enata ritual. It probably occurred on the ninth day and was followed by the triakosta ceremony on the thirtieth day. This would most likely end the period of mourning (at least in Athens).

Charon's salary

Let's talk about the coins given to the dead - the boat fare. The custom was first mentioned by Aristophanes in Frogs and does not appear to have been in use at a very early date. This was also not a custom within every region of Ancient Greece, so it wasn't always required and not everyone practised it.

A honey cake was also sometimes said to have been given to the deceased. We don't have too much information about this. Whether the cake was intended as a sop to Cerberus, is not certainly known, although a scholiast of Aristophanes mentions that "the honey-cake was given to the corpses for Cerberus, as the obol was for the ferryman (Charon), and the crown as for those who had won a prize in life."

But back to coins; as to how this may look nowadays, it's difficult to tell. Personally, I reckon any currency would be fine since it'd be quite tricky to acquire obols nowadays, no? I saw even saw a discussion about this among Hellenic polytheists and some even wondered whether Charon accepted cheques or credit card transactions! Maybe they do move with the times. And although those UPGs may sound hilarious, what do I know? I guess one can really find out once they've already met the ferryman.

I hope this helps!

Sources:

Theoi.com

hellenicaworld.com

The Burial Customs of the Ancient Greeks by F. P. Graves (not everything is 100% accurate and it's quite a mix of both Greek and Roman stuff but it's a decent resource that might be somewhat helpful to get the idea of what it all looked like back then; just be more careful with it)

Burial customs, the afterlife and the pollution of death in ancient Greece by F. P. Retief

#asks #funerary rites #burial rites #helpol #hellenic polytheism #hellenic gods #hellenic deities #hellenic pagan #hellenism #hellenic polytheist #theoi #ancient greece #ancient greek history #ancient greek burials

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anthropwashere · 6 years

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@proserpine-in-phases tagged me in a thing about writing, so naturally I’m going to do this instead of write!

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

A lot of my deadfics end up stalling out over research roadblocks. I’ll flub my way through one scene with the intent to come back after I’ve done my Google-fu, and then another, and another, aaaaand that’s now too much work.

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

A JTHM fic I wrote in high school that ended up deadfic because I ran off to BMT. It was well-received at the time but looking at it now? It’s just so ow, the edge. I’ve low-key considered tearing it down and rewriting it, but it’s been ten years and I can’t even recall where I was going with it.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

90% chronological with a lot of snippets for later scenes piled haphazardly at the end of every Gdoc. of all the things that might have been was the big exception. There’s 28k posted and another 50k trapped behind a heap of writer’s block. :C

4) favorite character you’ve written?

Gee, I wonder!

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing?

Winry Rockbell. Not my usual character type to write by far, but she was just as surprisingly fun to write.

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now?

A ton of older fic on AO3 has a lot of weird formatting and grammatical errors. I think it’d be easy to get hung up over changes I’d want to make to various giftfics I’ve written over the years as well.

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

I can count on one hand the number of real life people who know I write and have fingers left over. I hate talking about my writing face-to-face.

8) favorite genre to write?

Mmm, suspense/horror? Whatever you call ‘presenting a problem to a character that gets insurmountably worse, and also it would be justified if the character just huddled screaming under a blanket instead of confronting it.’

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Read other fics that handle similar topics/ideas. Look through the literal GBs of refs I’ve got saved. Get out of the house and do something even a little bit out of my norm. Get lost on Wikipedia.

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

Music always, rarely near people.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

Man, I’ve been writing and posting fics for 15 years now. I have to hope every aspect has improved since I was friggin’ 12 years old writing garbo Mary Sues.

12) your weaknesses as an author?

I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to finish it. More fic ideas than I’ll ever have the energy to commit too. Run-on sentences. I don’t write women almost at all. COMMAS.

13) your strengths as an author?

I feeeeel like I do a good job of getting the reader into the character’s headspace? I adore limited narrative so when I write a fic I try to commit to that character’s style and personality. I also think I do horror/suspense decently.

15) why did you start writing?

11 year old Lorelei found ffn and went, “Oh shit, this is a thing? Sign me up.”

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

...I’m not sure what this means?

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

It’s okay to write positive endings, edgelord. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes more is good too, but damn girl, tread carefully.

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

These seems like a dangerous rabbit hole to fall down, so I’ll just link the most recent fic whose style and impact left me speechless the first time I read it (and envious, and determined, and more than happy to read it three more times).

Divine Right of Kings by Oedipus Tex

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Badly! Which is why I’ve never successfully finished a longfic! But I do try and make outlines or at least a tidy splash of notes at the bottom of the Gdoc. One fic I’m working on right now requires spreadsheets.

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

Little spurts. NaNo’s been excellent in the past at making me do more than a couple hundred words on a good day. Alas, the last Camp NaNo I signed up for I dipped out of because of my migraines, and I didn’t even bother signing up for July.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

For the most part I consider it all passable, as far back as AO3 goes at least. Anything earlier than that I pretend doesn’t exist.

22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?

Intimacy, be it porn or fluff. Anything technical I can’t gloss over with some hastily gathered Wikipedian knowledge. Comedy.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

I don’t think so? Not much of my personal experience has been applicable to what I’ve written. A bit of geography, maybe?

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

I’d never claim to be an expert on anything, but I do try and do my research for fic. Learning new things is my favorite part of writing.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

You may have a snippet from my four biggest FMA wips (all of which are over 15k words and nowhere near done, send help).

- We Are Sisyphus (03 fic where alternate Ed lives.)

Other Ed and Alfons are unpacking groceries, picked up on their way back to the tiny flat above not-Gracia’s flower shop that seems all the smaller with a fourth person inside. Gratia’s come up as well, bearing fresh vases of flowers too damaged to sell but still smell just as sweet. It helps to mask Hohenheim’s reek, something he can’t really help with how advanced his decay’s gotten in their time apart.

“Surprised you even recognized him,” Ed says under his breath, under pretense of showing him some of the notes he’d brought back. He gives Hohenheim a long, quelling glare out of the corner of his eye. “I mean, considering you left when Al was still practically a toddler.”

“There were more recent pictures at Pinako’s house,” Hohenheim replies, apparently uninterested in taking the hint to back off. “But it’s the way you look at Herr Heiderich that made me realize just who he reminded me so sorely of.”

“Oh yeah? And how’s that?”

“Like you’re grieving.”

- your head will lie in dust (Father wins, makes the five sacrifices immortal. AKA, the Hohenheim fic with the group chat that can’t stop, won’t stop.)

“There was a cut on your cheek,” Hohenheim says.

Edward brings shaking fingers to his face. He digs his nails in as if he’ll tear his skin open just to spite Hohenheim on principle. Then he stops. Shuts his eyes. Lets Mrs. Curtis slide from his lap. “I,” he says. “You’re wrong. You have to be.”

“I’m sorry,” he says. He has said this so often now, to so many people over so many years, that the words have lost all meaning. He tongues at the space where regret should be and finds only an empty hole. “Do you hear them?”

Edward flinches in slow-motion, an exercise in arranging the muscles of his face into a tense knot to display his anger, his fear, his grief. Little words for emotions greater than any person should have to bear. Edward flinches and struggles to breathe. He presses his hands over his ears and tilts rigidly to the floor.

- our hands were first to forgive (The Mustang remains blind and gets automail AU nobody asked for.)

It’s unsettling, how easy clapping alchemy has turned out to be.

He’d expected it to be difficult, to be something he’d have to learn through trial and error. He doesn’t know why he thought that. Edward’s never shown any hesitation in the use of it—though when has Edward shown hesitation in anything? Bad example. Not that there are a lot of examples to choose from, and of those he’s only been able to see Alphonse transmute without a circle. That’s a somewhat recent development, isn’t it? Before the boys went up to Briggs. He never thought to ask what had happened to allow Alphonse to abandon circles. It hadn’t occurred to him to think that anything needed to have happened to allow it at all. Knowing the source of clapping alchemy, he doubts it was anything pleasant. One more thing to ask after, once he can see again.

This ability, this… gift? He hesitates to call it that. Unwanted, unasked for, received all the same. Fine. This gift wasn’t learned. It feels grafted into him, weird and rough at its edges, like the scars on his torso his shirts still catch on months after burning Lust to ash. Unnaturally a part of him, but a part of him still. For all the knowledge that was poured into his mind in the Gate, he doesn’t feel like he learned anything.

He feels burned.

- Pour Out Like Light (9 years post-series, Ed finds out Trisha’s illness is hereditary. This absolute bastard of a wip is currently stalled out at over 46k words and nowhere near done.)

He peels a potato, sets it down. A broken, twisted hand reaches over his shoulder to pick it up.

He sets down the vegetable peeler. “Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Why didn’t you tell Granny?”

“Tell Granny what?”

“You knew it wasn’t the epidemic, didn’t you?” He cups the potato in both hands, in the hand he’s always had and the hand he’d traded away and Al had given back. “If you knew, why didn’t you warn her I’d get sick too? Why didn’t you warn me?”

She doesn’t answer. Instead there’s the heavy, loose-limbed thud of a body collapsing to the floor. It has a wet sound to it, a splattering sound. Her death rattle sucks the sunlight out of the kitchen, strangled and thick with fluid. There is almost, almost the sound of his name.

This post is huge now, wow. Um. Never sure who’s cool with being tagged in these kinds of posts. @ladyyatexel @leda-x @haikujitsu I don’t really talk writing much w/ any of you but you’re all fantastic and it’d be cool to hear some of the thought process behind the fics? No obligation, of course.

#writing #my writing #ty for tagging i love doing this stuff #i never think about the process of writing so much as just daydream all the stuff i want to write oops

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belaborthepoint · 6 years

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I’m depressed because I’m smart

I’ve had a lot of really thoughtful and intellectually engaging discussions recently with my friends and it’s gotten me thinking. I’m depressed a lot of the time and sometimes I see people who are good at communicating and drinking water and taking care of basic human needs and I’m just like, what? And then I realize that I’m only dysfunctional because I’m depressed, and I’m only depressed because I am extremely intelligent.

I’ve always had a certain knack for understanding things that other people might be slower to pick up on. One time I took a personality test on the internet and it said that I could be described as “intuitive,” and I was like, what? That’s exactly me in a nutshell. I’ve always hated personality tests and horoscopes because only stupid people like them, but that one kind of changed my perspective. It just sort of complicated my thinking on the matter. When I’m thinking about matters, I always like to approach them with a certain degree of skepticism, because I don’t believe anything because I’m smart. But then when the internet test told me that I was “intuitive,” I couldn’t really believe that something could be that particular and describe me in such exquisite detail without some kind of complex process that I don’t understand. I just have to keep thinking about it.

I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking with my brain, because I just have a lot of thoughts, okay? I like thinking! Sue me! But sometimes I spend so much time thinking that it makes me sad, because I’m too smart to be happy. I understand how the world works. One time I was like, why do I feel bad today? And my therapist was like, maybe it’s because you ate two boxes of cereal last night and you only slept for 40 minutes. And I was like, are you an idiot??? I feel bad because the world is bad, and if you were smart at all you would get that and you wouldn’t be wasting your time trying to make people feel OKAY when things are NOT okay. We’re SUPPOSED to be sad because the WORLD is sad. Do you even read the news?

This is a picture of me thinking about the news and the world. See? This is what you’re supposed to do with your face when you think.

The other day I heard someone say they were going to the gym and I literally laughed in their face because it was so funny to me that someone would think that it’s valuable to prioritize mental or physical health. I don’t lie around listlessly and eat cereal because I have depression, I have depression because I’m SMART. My psychiatrist is like, maybe you should trying taking your pills regularly instead of taking them at random times and skipping a bunch of days. And I’m like, what good would that do? And he’s like, it messes with your brain chemicals, also it’s bad for your brain if you don’t sleep and you only eat bran flakes. And I’m like, did this person even go to school??? Did he just make up a fake degree certificate on Microsoft Paint and then stick it up on his wall?? Any village idiot with the least degree of common sense would know that it doesn’t matter how you treat your brain or your body because if you’re smart and you know how the world works, you’re going to be miserable no matter what and you might as well just not try to be happy or take care of yourself since self care is just like this giant Sisyphean task. Sisyphus was a character in philosophy and it’s about this guy who’s always pushing on a rock cause he’s dumb, and it’s basically just about how anyone who tries in life is stupid.

Yesterday someone told me that it’s healthy to produce a bowel movement every day and I was like, what? I haven’t pooped since January! And they were like, that sounds like a health problem, are you eating enough fiber? And I was like, are you literally so stupid that you actually pay attention to nutrition? Sure, I’m not comfortable most of the time, and I’ve developed a lot of serious gastrointestinal problems because I only eat processed wheat products in massive proportions at odd hours of the night and then hibernate during the day, but what else am I really supposed to do? Do you think we were put on this earth to be comfortable? Literally the whole point is that there is no point, but if there were a point, it would be to suffer so you can understand the experience of suffering and better understand the chronic pain of living as a human being.

I think it’s so funny when people are all like, I’m going to pursue hobbies and passions and things that bring me joy! I’m going to try to live a meaningful life! I just think it’s so sad that people will spend their entire lives living this giant delusion that they have a purpose and that there are things to be happy about. I’m literally laughing so hard right now as I type this. I’m actually not, that was just a figure of speech, but I think that the idea is absurd in a dark way that actually doesn’t strike me as amusing at all, but I don’t have an expression to describe what that feels like.

Sometimes I’m worried that I’m going to turn stupid like the happy people I see around me, and I start to feel like maybe I could be smart and also exercise and sleep at night instead of writing unintelligible stream of consciousness journal entries about nothing, and that actually if there is no point then maybe it’s just as pointless to make myself miserable than it is to make myself happy, and if it feels good to be happy, maybe I should just do that? But then I remember how lucky I am to be so smart, and understand the world so well, and shouldn’t I appreciate my intellect by thinking about all of these sad truths all the time? And wouldn’t it be dishonest to live my life in a way that wasn’t consistent with my general philosophy of nihilism? And wouldn’t I know somewhere deep down that I was lying to myself by trying to be happy? Since we’re all supposed to be sad? But then, I think that maybe I’m smart enough that I can choose to believe something and also have the self-awareness to know that it’s a choice and that really, everything is dark and horrible, but that I don’t have to think about that all the time and that maybe all the happy people aren’t braindead zombie robot vegetable things that only care about hedonistic pleasure seeking? And that maybe there are some happy people who are also smart and just like the feeling of being happy because it’s kind of nice? And maybe I’m just resigned to being sad and grumpy all the time because feeling bad is easier than feeling good? I don’t know. I just made all that up. I don’t really have any sincere questions because sincerity is for stupid people. I don’t have any doubts or curiosities and I’m perfectly happy being unhappy. Because I’m smart.

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