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lilolaila · 7 years

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please stay - two: october 2016

Debra doesn't know who Harry Styles is if it isn't because of Lola. Though they tend to have classes in the same building, Debra isn't the type who lets her eyes wander and watches people. She's the type who actually doesn't mingle in the building too long once her classes are done. She prefers to wait outside, sitting on one of the benches on the green space near the library than waits in the crowded hallway with a bunch of people around her.

Besides, she’s given up on trying to find a boyfriend. She thinks she just can’t find her match with one of the guys on campus, and she figures she’ll just focus on her studies and wait until the right time. That is definitely one of the factors why she never really pays attention to any guys anymore, and another factor is that the last relationship she had—it was last year—only lasted about three months. So, yeah, she thinks now is not the right time to be in a relationship.

So, when one of Harry's classmates, Lola asks for her number on a particularly busy afternoon, Debra furrows her eyebrows and looks at Lola weird. "Harry who?" Debra asks with arms full of rolled up flyers.

"Harry Styles. He's my classmate. You probably recognize him from the footie match last year," Lola says casually.

Debra distinctly remembers that there's a Harry Styles requesting to follow her on Instagram a few nights ago—she was scrolling through her phone aimlessly while singing along to Kodaline songs when she saw it. She accepted that request and followed him back without thinking much further, though she didn't actually know who he is. But some of her mates followed him as well, so she thought there's no harm in following him back. She realized that he didn’t seem like the type who posted a picture on daily basis, so she’s good.

"He followed me on Instagram a few days ago actually, but-"

"You followed him back, right?" Lola cuts, before Debra can finish her words. She nods anyway, "That's good! You know, he kinda takes a liking at you. Thought you're cute and he wants to know you better. That's why I'm here to get your mobile number. ‘s that alright?"

To say Debra is taken aback by those words is an understatement. She's confused as to why Lola is the one who asks for her number, not Harry himself. Is the guy that much a coward or is he simply gone to do other things? Why is Lola doing his dirty work? There are so many things she wants to ask, and she is going to, if her friend, Poppy isn't nudging her and telling her to hurry.

"Deb, just give her your number. We need to get going. Niall is waiting for us. C'mon." Poppy taps her feet impatiently on the ground, causing Debra to groan inwardly. Lola smiles at Poppy's words and opens up her contact to add Debra's number as Debra recites her mobile number carefully.

"'kay! Thanks a bunch, Deb!" with that, Lola walks away with an easy smile and a promise to let Harry know that Debra is such a sweetheart for giving her mobile number. Debra watches Lola walk away with a racing heartbeat and sweaty palms, not knowing what she's just gotten herself into. It has been a while since she found that a guy took a liking at her, and Harry could be a creep for all she knows—like Nolan from fresher's week—and she curses herself for giving into the pressure easily. She could’ve asked a question or two about this Harry guy to Lola, but she guessed the chance is now thrown out of the window.

All of this reminds her of what happened back in high school—when her friend's boyfriend asked for her number because his friend wanted to get her know better. She was also too easy to give into the pressure and in the end, she got her heart broken. It was all so messy, and she wasn't in a good place for a few months—even her parents noticed that, and that's saying a lot because her parents are usually pretty laid back about this kind of stuff.

Shivers run on her spine at the memories, and sweats break out on her temple once she realizes that she probably just made another wrong move.

"Deb! C'mon!" Poppy's voice stops her train of thoughts, and Debra shakes her head faintly to clear her head and focus again at her previous task.

"Right. Okay. Let's go." Bouncing the rolled up flyers in her arms once more, she walks from the library to the parking lot where Niall is waiting for them by his beat-up Honda.

Debra likes to think she's good at studying. Genuinely, she likes the process of clearing a space on her desk to set up her stuff—turning her laptop on, placing her notes strategically near her laptop, using her favorite gel pen to write, and listening to her study playlist that is full of instrumental songs. Also, there's something about the calmness and peacefulness she feels before she starts the whole process that motivates her to get it done. As weird as it may sound, she enjoys studying.

It’s a bit odd that she can't find herself focused on the task at hand when she needs to get at least a thing done that night—she starts sweating at the thought of her mounting coursework for the next week. It's probably because of her noisy neighbors—the freshmen that just moved to the flat right next to her last week—or the overwhelming temptation to keep checking her phone every few seconds. It's driving her mental, but she still forces herself to do her coursework anyway.

It's not even two hours later—and she's not even halfway done with her coursework—when her phone vibrates from beside her. She glances at her phone, reading the text pop-up with furrowed eyebrows. It's a text from the number she doesn't know. With curiosity bubbling up inside of her, she leans back on her seat and grabs her phone, her thumb swiping on the screen to open the text.

Hey, Debra. It's me, Harry. Wanna ask you if Louis and the others are joining the footie competition next month?

Debra frowns. Why would Harry ask about the footie competition to her? She doesn't even know there's a footie competition next month.

Have u asked Louis about it? Bcs I don't know either

Letting out a huff, she locks her phone and places it back on the desk. To bring her focus back on her coursework, Debra takes a few deep breathes and sits up straighter. But just as she's about to get back on writing, her phone vibrates again.

Not really no. Have you got his contacts?

She sends Louis' contact and hopes that he would stop texting her for a while, but when her phone vibrates again, she realizes that this won't stop anytime sooner. So, she keeps responding his texts and replies it as short as she can to let him know implicitly that she's not really up for any kind of socializing with anyone. But even if Harry gets the message, he doesn't show it because he's persistent. And the next thing she knows, it's almost midnight and she's nowhere done with her essay.

Annoyed at herself for letting it get too far, she pushes back her chair and gets up to move to her bed. Ignoring Harry's latest text, she pulls up her contacts and dials Poppy's number.

"How are you not asleep yet? It's midnight." Those are Poppy's words when she answers the phone. All of her close friends know that Debra can't sleep later than midnight. She's an early sleeper and an early riser as well. If she falls asleep later than midnight, it will mess her schedule up and put her in a bad mood, which will put a damper on everyone's mood because she will annoy the shit out of them all day.

"Harry's been texting me since, like, hours ago," Debra confesses in a small voice. Letting the words out of her mouth just makes it more real and she hates how she wasted hours just texting a guy. She rolls on her stomach and buries her face in her pillow.

"Harry who?" she grunts at her friend's question.

"Harry Styles. Lola asked my number a few days ago to give it to him, remember? She said he liked me or something." Poppy lets out a hum from the other line. "'s that it? You're not gonna say anything?"

"Dunno what I'm supposed to say, to be honest. Just let it flow for a while, yeah?" Poppy finally says after a moment.

"Should I tell Penelope?" Once Poppy reassures that it would be best if Debra tells Penelope, they both end the call and Debra is left staring at her ceiling, her mind racing with endless possibilities and outcomes of this Harry thing. She realizes that she isn't supposed to overthink about it, but she always overthinks when any guy shows interest in her.

And maybe, telling Penelope can bring some positive outcomes to the whole situation—though she isn’t sure if there’s a situation—because Penelope was on the student council for 2 years and she actually has friends from other departments. So, maybe, just maybe, she can ask around about Harry and help Debra to get some information about him, because she has no clue at all of him. For all she knows, this guy is as shady as his Instagram page. All of those sunsets and black and white pictures don't really show who he is, and that's bothering her.

Overwhelmed at her own long train of thoughts, she grunts at herself and gets up to get some snack from the kitchen before she could overthink some more—like thinking about going on dates with Harry, seeing each other at campus, and introducing him to her close friends as her boyfriend. It's kind of silly how she already thinks about this when she hasn't even spoken to him face-to-face.

"I got a question for you." Debra looks up from the phone and furrows her eyebrows at Poppy who's sitting across the table with pursed lips and puffed out cheeks like she's thinking hard about this question. "When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? I don't mean, like, being a doctor or something. Like, your first real dream career."

The two girls are waiting for their food at the Chinese restaurant near their flats when Poppy lets out that question—unexpected, but Debra isn't surprised because Poppy always does this kind of things. Debra props an elbow on the table and leans her head on her hand as she mulls over the answer to the question.

"Well," Debra speaks after a moment, "I think I wanted to be a flight attendant, you know? Probably it's because I went to the airport a lot to see my dad at work and lots of planes. And I used to think that it's cool to see all those flight attendants pass by with their uniforms, so probably that's what I wanted to be before my parents told me how dangerous it was and that it's cooler to be a doctor instead." She sits straighter and leans back on her seat, dropping her arms and tapping her fingers on the table impatiently.

Poppy lets out a chuckle and takes a sip of her iced tea. "I still think being a flight attendant is cooler, though. All those traveling and meeting lots of new people intrigue me."

"Says the extrovert one," Debra teases. "And let me guess, you wanted to be an astronaut, right?"

Poppy nods. "Yup, even my old e-mail address is based on that. How silly."

They put a pause on their conversation when the waiter comes back with their food. The steam from the fried mixed vegetable and fried rice are so mouthwatering and make the food look tastier than it actually is. It seems like the food put them in a trace so they both just stare it for a while as the waiter place the food on their table.

A ding pulls Debra back from the trance she got in because of the food—as weird as it may sound—and she reluctantly grabs her phone from her bag. And she wishes she didn't just look at her screen because she just receives a text from Harry—again. She can see the message from the pop-up, but she decides not to read it now. She'd like to focus on the food splayed in front of her for now.

"Who is it?" Poppy asks as she grabs two pairs of chopsticks and passes Debra one. They both grab a tissue to clean it—just to make sure that it is clean—before finally devouring their foods.

"Harry," she answers shortly, causing Poppy to look up and stare at her for a few seconds. "Strangely, we've been texting for days now. I'll tell you later over ice cream. For now, let's eat." That's enough to close the lid on the conversation about Harry for a while. Though Debra can't literally wait to tell Poppy all about it—though it's nothing much because she hasn't seen Harry around campus and really talked to him—she has to wait because the food is better when it's hot and she’s sure that not even a guy (i.e. Harry Styles) will get in between her and her food.

#ps #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #my writing #mine #well here goes #please let me know what you think about it #cos i'd really love to hear from you guys

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jadelyn · 7 years

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Today is my Friday coffee run day, where i get up early, leave early, and drive 20 minutes up and 30 minutes back to get coffee from my favorite place which is over in the next city. The drive is as much a part of the treat as the coffee itself, I always have my music running and I sing along to stuff and just have a good time.

This morning, in honor of the recently departed, I decided to listen to my Linkin Park collection. So I pulled up the artist and hit “shuffle tracks”. You know what the first one to start playing was? “Leave Out All The Rest”

I didn’t cry yesterday when I heard the news, but at that? At that, I cried. I was kinda fighting tears the rest of the way to work, except for one song. Cause a few minutes later, Iridescent came on, which is at least in my Top 5 favorite songs and maybe Top 3.

But, a good chunk of that song is sung in a range that’s either right at the bottom of or actually below my voice range, so I’ve developed my own harmony part to it, and when I sing along to that song I do that harmony instead bc it’s easier on me (and tbh I think it sounds cool). So this morning, I poured myself into that song and gave it the best I had, as a private tribute and farewell to someone who has had enormous influence on my life for many years.

Linkin Park's music saw me through some very dark times. I was in my freshman year of high school - or maybe the very beginning of sophomore year, idk - when Hybrid Theory came out, struggling with depression and frequent self-harm, and their music was cathartic to me. It gave me an outlet and a distraction that actually helped me to self-harm a little less, although I wouldn't quit entirely for another 10 years or so. I remember trying to explain their lyrics to a friend in one of my classes, who didn't listen to that kind of music at all but had heard Crawling on the radio and was like "wtf does that even mean??" She didn't get what I found so compelling in it, lol. Then Meteora, which came out spring of my senior year and which became the soundtrack for my first year at college - the single worst year I've ever had, mental-illness-wise. I would walk aimlessly around campus for hours blasting that album in my headphones, trying to drown out my thoughts. It helped, some. At least I felt a little less alone. And even still, now that I'm stable and strong and have a Real Adult Life, I still love their music and listen to it often. One of my most-listened-to playlists is a combo of my entire Linkin Park and Within Temptation libraries, as my two favorite bands.

There's a really fucked up irony in the fact that a man whose music helped keep me (and, I can only imagine, so many others as well) from killing myself, lost his life to suicide. I'm so angry at the illness that took him. So blindingly furious. How dare you?

Chester, I hope you can find the peace now that eluded you in life. You live on in the music you left behind and the lives you've touched and saved, but you will still be missed. I'm sorry we couldn't do for you, what you did for us.

#chester bennington #rip chester bennington #linkin park #Suicide mention #Depression

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