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miss-tc-nova · 3 years

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A Way Into the Future - Luxu

Alright, we’ve got the green light kiddos! So, without further ado, here’s my piece for the Shattered Fates - Foretller Zine. Enjoy!

Music Inspiration: I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead - Set It Off

~~~~~

Footsteps echo off the stone walls of the underpass beneath the Outer Gardens. One set—much faster than the other—struggles, moving unsteadily and with a lot of panic. It’s no wonder considering the owner of said steps took quite a beating. He put up a decent fight, but poor Braig had no hope of prevailing against his tormentor: a legend, a man of time, a Master—Luxu.

Ruthless yellow lights barely have the power to illuminate the tunnels, but the young man doesn’t need to see to know the man hunting him is not far behind.

As the black coat stalks persistently closer, his prey stumbles down the path, unaware that he’s being driven straight into a trap—doing everything that the stalker had intended to a T. Luxu has spent many years refining a variety of skills, both combative and strategic; coercing his victims into his snare is child’s play. Decades of thought have gone into formulating the criteria for his perfect vessel and, unfortunately for the young man, he matches every point perfectly.

Unbeknownst to the Radiant Garden native, Luxu had scouted his playground days prior to this encounter and had collapsed the only escape that gave his victim any prospect. His hope is effectively crushed at the sight of the clogged tunnel.

Eyes wide with pure terror, he turns back to Luxu. The sharpshooter has a quick draw, even in fear, but it proves just as useless as it had before. Barely any thought is spent on the barrier that prevents the bullets from reaching their mark.

“I already told you resisting me was useless,” Luxu drawls. “All this fear and pain could’ve been avoided if you had just done as I asked. But I guess it’s only fair to assume any self-respecting warrior worth his salt would struggle.”

Backed against the debris, the kid quivers. To his merit, he maintains his aim, despite how utterly doomed he is.

“What do you want with me?!”

Luxu pauses his approach. “Hmm, let’s see—that brand new job you just took at the castle is a good start.”

“A job? You want my job? I-I can talk to my boss! Just let me talk to Ansem!”

“I hate to tell you, kid, but I need more than your job. I need your entire existence. Or more specifically, I need your body.” The boy’s petrified face goes pale. “My scapegoat has finally arrived; things are about to get very interesting and your life perfectly fits all my needs. Now, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop struggling; I’d like to avoid injuring that body any more than necessary.”

As he closes the gap and the boy cowers beneath him, Luxu recalls how he came to be here, stealing the bodies of young men.

~~~~~

“Master, what is this?” the young man asks, looking over the paper and not entirely sure he’s read it correctly.

As he has many times before, Luxu stands in the Master’s study. The room is filled with books, vials, and plenty of objects of which Luxu couldn’t even guess the purpose of. The only thing he can be sure of is that none of it is as it seems, and that broad statement brings with it its own sense of security. It has always been filled with wonders and the Master seems to introduce him to a new one each time he visits. This time is no exception.

The eccentric man folds his arms. “What do you think it is?”

His voice catches in his mouth. He’s read it over once, twice, but surely, he must be mistaken. “This sounds like a method for taking over someone’s body.”

“Bingo! You are correct, sir!” the Master praises, waving his hands animatedly.

“WHAT?!” In his exclamation, young Luxu throws the paper in the air.

His master snatches the fluttering paper. “Don’t lose it! I only have one copy of that!”

“Okay, one, why don’t you make another copy? And two, why do you know how to possess someone’s body?!”

“Oh, I don’t know how; this is all just theory. I wrote it this morning.”

His master never fails to perplex him. “And you think I need it why?”

“Because you’re only human,” the Master of Masters replies. “That body of yours will become old and decrepit and weaken over time but your job will be far from done. So, you need some way to continue living and persist into the future.”

The Master may be a strange man, but it’s no secret that he enjoys pulling emotions from his pupils—his favorite being shock. Luxu has made a point to accept his master’s eccentricity and all it entails, having come to see the unpredictability as predictable. It’s been a long time since the Master has been able to truly flabbergast the young man.

Luxu’s arms wave in disbelief. “And you think body snatching is the way to do that?!”

Matching the animated gestures, the Master retorts, “Well do you have any other bright ideas?!”

Luxu glances away. “Couldn’t you figure out immortality or something else?”

The Master holds his arms up in an X. “Absolutely not. Immortality is far more complicated and we just don’t have time for that. So, this is your only hope of completing your task.” Again, the paper is pushed into Luxu’s hands. As the student stares at the page, the Master’s tone turns serious. “Remember, while the others have very important roles, everything hinges on the success of yours. If you don’t see this through, the Book of Prophecies won’t be written and things will fall in ruins.” His tone drops even more, almost as if he’s threatening his pupil. “And all those people you care about will die for nothing.”

Those words strike the young man. Aced, Ira, Invi, Gula, and Ava—they’re family. Even if they sometimes bicker and disagree, Luxu grew up with them. He already disliked the idea of them fighting, possibly to their destruction, but they’re all fighting for the light’s survival. If he doesn’t do his job, they’ll lose their guidance and their struggles will be meaningless—his family will die in vain.

But taking someone else’s body and losing his own: it’s unthinkably horrifying. He’d never considered that his body could be disposable; that something so undeniably “Luxu” could just be swapped out as easily as his coat. These thoughts become too much to deal with in this moment, so he decides not to. Still, he can’t simply throw away a key aspect of his master’s orders, so the paper is carefully folded and tucked into his jacket to address later.

“Thank you for your guidance, Master,” Luxu murmurs.

Back to his light-hearted self, the Master of Masters slings an arm around Luxu’s shoulders. “That’s more like it. Now, let me show you why you’re going to need that paper.”

~~~~~

Spasms wrack every gasp he takes. They come not from his chase of the now-unconscious man at his feet, but from the seriousness of what he must do next.

Staring down at his very first victim, he feels a heavy guilt in his chest. Based on what’s written, he can only assume the original heart will be ejected and either become a Heartless or ascend to Kingdom Hearts. This man had no say in the matter; he was hunted down like a dog and endured only terror and pain in his final moments. He’s still young and could’ve had a full life ahead of him filled with happiness and adventure. He had potential but Luxu deemed him a lamb for slaughter.

Luxu shakes his head; he can’t have these sorts of distractions dragging him down.

The old parchment slips from his pocket, a perfect cross forever creased into its aged surface. Instructions written in black still read perfectly clear despite time’s efforts. He’s read and reread the page thousands of times, each time going through the shock of what exactly is being asked of him: ice shoots through his veins while his skin scorches, a suffocating grasp squeezes at his throat, and a violent churn nearly upheaves his stomach. The possibility of failure reels in his mind, threatening to evolve into a full-blown panic attack. He spent his whole life as himself—as Luxu—but now, for the sake of light itself, he must discard that. Just thinking about looking in a mirror and not recognizing the face looking back reminds him of his nightmares. Supposedly, his heart will retain his memories, but he still worries over exactly how much of himself he’ll get to keep; after all, sacrifices for such sins must be made.

The tremors in his chest have spread, shaking the page in his gasp. A deep breath does nothing to soothe his fears but allows him to regain focus. He reminds himself that this is for the existence of everything—for the people he loves. It doesn’t matter if he’s scared, it doesn’t matter if he loses himself, it doesn’t matter if the people who matter don’t recognize him, he has no choice.

Sighing, he lets the paper float to the ground, letting his eyes linger on the victim at his feet. He can’t let himself dwell on anything lest his mind trail back to his fear. He gets started.

Clearing his head, he rests both hands against his chest. The suggested mental imagery serves him well while his heart begins to compress. He remembers the most important parts of himself—the things about himself he values—and imagines placing them in a box. His personality, skills, and knowledge are added inside. Memories follow suit; all the good, the bad, and the in-between are stowed away as important, for they have shaped the person he’s become. The young man takes great care in packing all of himself away.

As these things fade from his conscious mind—all bound to his heart for transfer—the darkness stalking at the edges of his mind begins encroaching on his thoughts like wolves prepared to devour him. Luxu’s natural instincts react in fear, causing the man to tremble and his physical heart to pound in his ears. Just like the darkness, a chill creeps along his quaking limbs, his control over them waning. With every bit of himself that he stows away for his next life, the little rationality that must stay behind cowers in terror. He would simply do away with all his senses, but he knows that some of his consciousness must stay to facilitate the move. He must suffer this fear and lose part of his mind to succeed.

The body to be left behind is nearly shut down. His throat closes, no longer able to draw air into his spasming lungs. He has no idea if he’s doing anything right or if he’s even ready, but the innate fear of death has him in a panic. He has to go now.

Eyes snap open, nothing but bright light consuming his vision. This is it; this is where he discards everything he is. This is the point of no return. With the dread as potent as ever, his consciousness fades as he sends the light on its way.

Instantly, Luxu becomes aware of the intense, stinging pain. Every nerve is like a needle, searing at his heart. He would absolutely be screaming if he could but, as it currently stands, he has no access to any vocal cords, let alone a mouth.

A firm pressure resists his heart, struggling against him. The way it reverberates is reminiscent of his own screams. This is his victim, desperately fighting to keep control. Their panic gives them strength, allowing them to push against Luxu to the point he feels his grip slipping. A desperate alarm shoots through him, fueling his struggle.

As it turns out, Luxu’s fear is stronger than that of the man he’s possessing.

Resistance suddenly stops. Slowly, the presence of the other heart begins to fade, allowing Luxu’s heart to fill the hole left behind. The pain begins to ebb at an unbearably slow rate, but there is solace in the fact that it is fading.

His consciousness begins unfurling within his brain as he lies on the ground gasping. Comprehension begins weaving through the unpacking, bringing attention to what exactly just happened. He hadn’t been prepared for resistance; he didn’t know he could still lose after disarming his target. There was no warning for that. If Luxu’s heart had lost the struggle, he would’ve been expunged, become a heartless, and failed his task; he would have failed his loved ones. And this is only his first time.

It takes an eternity for the agony to fade enough and allow him to assess the body. It’s all still sensitive, like a limb falling asleep and waking back up, only far more intense. Nevertheless, he manages to open his eyes. Even they feel the stinging, giving him blurry vision. Nerves feel like fire as he struggles to raise a hand. The trembling extremities are different: the skin tone is a shade off, fingers are slightly longer, and there’s no sign of a mole he used to have on his wrist. It’s strange to feel and control the hand of a stranger.

It takes some time for all the nerves to properly connect. Small repetitions get the muscles moving as they should, and after a few hours, he is able to stand. Weak legs hold him up while he tries to regain his bearings. Palms press against his eyes, struggling to get rid of that remnant sting.

When his hands drop, he finds nothing. The expelled heart is gone and so is the body he left behind. There is no going back.

The old paper flutters, threatening to fly away. However, this is only the first of many stolen bodies and he will need those instructions to repeat the move in the future.

Reaching down, he scoops up the paper. The action nearly topples him. Despite his careful decision for this particular individual, he couldn’t find someone exactly like himself. There are still differences that will take some getting used to, driving home one very important, horrendous fact.

He is no longer Luxu.

He is no longer himself.

The reality finally kicks him in the gut, bringing him back to the ground where a foreign scream tears from his mouth.

~~~~~

“You’re crazy! Stay away from me!”

The cry drags the man back from age-old memories. Braig is the latest of his numerous casualties.

Luxu could’ve stopped long ago, given up his master’s orders and spared so many ignorant hearts—innocent people didn’t have to die for this. However, sacrifices must be made for sins, and Luxu’s been paying his due. With every bit of himself left behind, the rest naturally tries to fill in that hole, but it’s not the same. The new pieces become influenced by the suffering and bitterness Luxu endures with each move, filling him with more and more darkness. That’s not to say darkness is a bad thing, but it fuels the apathy born from repeated trauma.

Luxu’s views on humanity have deteriorated; each passerby could die at his feet and he would simply step over them. Those chosen as new vessels hold some interest, but he no longer has any qualms putting them down. Only the people he started this journey for mean anything to him now; they are the only light left in his unrecognizable life. They would likely look down on him with disappointment, scold and abhor him, but he would burn every world in existence for their fates. But the end is near. The scapegoat has finally shown himself and soon Luxu will be free of this burden—his family will return to him. No matter what wrath he may incur from them, the relief of the end is just too tempting to spare this last victim.

Luxu shrugs. “You might be right about that; repeatedly losing part of your mind does that to a guy. Unfortunately for you, there’s nothing more dangerous than an insane person with a goal. You were simply the poor soul that caught my eye this time.”

“N-No! Please!”

Having done this so many times, Luxu doesn’t even need the instructions, so he burnt them long ago. His mind already begins to pack away the things he wishes to carry forward and the chill starts in his fingers.

“Sorry, but everything I’ve dedicated my life to hangs in the balance. Neither of us have a choice here. But don’t worry—this isn’t my first time and I’ll ensure it’s as painless as possible.”

As he strides closer, the man scrambles closer to the wall. Fear shines brightly in his eyes, but it doesn’t faze a man who’s seen it so many times before—who’s endured it so many times before.

“Take a deep breath, Braig. It’ll all be over soon.”

#kh luxu #zine feat nova #luxu

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bngtanah · 4 years

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The Difference Between Boys & Girls | o2

summary: Sam & Erin are university students who share a cheap one bedroom apartment above a shitty takeaway restaurant. Due to the limited space, they’ve grown accustomed to sharing just about everything, including the occasional kiss. Despite the amount of time they spend together, their complete comfort in sharing a bed, etc, the pair continues to hold on to the idea that they are completely “platonic.” None of their friends believe this excuse, but as ridiculous as it sounds the unconventional living situation truly does seem to work for them.

Well, it used to anyway..

pairing: Jung Hoseok (Samuel Park) x Named OC characters: meet the cast.

genre: angst, smut, fluff

chapters: o1| o2| o3| o4| o5| o6| o7| o8| o9| 10| 11| 12| 13| 14

warning: boyfriend!hoseok, jealous!hoseok, friends to lovers trope, college au, angst, sexual themes, slow burn, ambw

a/n: i am a fool. I accidentally deleted my blog so this is me re-uploading EVERYTHING.

With her body wrapped in a dress that stopped just a couple inches below her ass, bare shoulders and a sheer cutout in the front Sam was having a hard time keeping his eyes from travelling along the contours of Erin's body.

Originally she planned on wearing just a pair of jeans and a cute top, thus ensuring that she would attract the least amount of attention when they reached their destination. That all changed when Samuel decided he was going to tag along, she didn't mind all eyes being on her as long as he was by her side.

And of course, the surge of confidence she felt after having caught Sam's eyes widen and his mouth drop open slightly when she stepped out of the bedroom may have had something to do with it also. He had managed to settle his features and avert his gaze once Erin joined him for their obligatory pregame shot in the kitchen, making sure to keep his distance like he was drinking with his baby sister and not some woman he'd leer at in a dim nightclub.

His reaction only made Erin stifled a giggle after she allowed the alcohol to ease down her throat. He could play it cool all he wanted, Erin knew she had ruffled his feathers and that alone was almost enough to make their whole night worth it before it even began.

"Aren't you, like...cold? In that dress?" Samuel asked, uttering his first full sentence since they'd left the apartment.

Erin only shook her head and made a small noise to demonstrate her disagreeing.

Samuel scoffed and moved closer as they walked in stride, he knew better than to believe her when she was obviously freezing. He snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her close to his side, the pad of his thumb drumming lightly against her hip. "Like hell you're not."

The touch burned through the flimsy layer of cloth and Erin was sure her cheeks would be flushed if she had any less melanin in her skin.

She couldn't allow her mind to read too much into his actions, however. As far as she knew Samuel had always been a very hands-on kind of guy. If he liked you, you knew because he'd find any excuse in the book to touch you. But there was also the side of his personality that just radiated affection when he was comfortable, the occasional hand grab, hug, caress usually mean nothing more to him than simply being friendly.

Sammy just liked human contact and sometimes it honestly drove Erin nuts.

"I think we're almost there" Erin commented as she glanced down at her cell phone, rereading the address Kim sent her a few hours earlier. "It should be on the left after this intersection."

"This doesn't really look like a good location for a bar" Sam noted as he glanced around their surroundings.

The streets were considerably empty for a Friday night and the few people they did see shuffling around looked like they were auditioning for part in Rent. Definitely not the young hip crowd either of them had been expecting.

Five minutes, and one wrong turn later they figured out exactly why the area seemed so dead.

The 'fun night out' Erin had been invited to turned out to be a gallery showing for a few unknown local artists. The air of excitement deflated the second Erin and Sam entered the building.

Kim was there at the entrance, craning her head back and forth and when she spotted Erin she beamed, and waved wildly. The second she did a quick scan of Erin's attire and noticed the handsome young man attached to her hip, her smile dulled considerably.

"Unnie! You remember my roommate, Samuel?"

Kim extended a hand, a smile way too broad to be genuine plastered on her lips. "Of course! It's a pleasure to see you again."

She was clearly lying since her nostrils were a bit too flared to be sincere. That didn't stop Sammy from grinning widely and taking her hand, bowing slightly to press his lips lightly to the back of her palm. "The pleasure is all mine."

Erin rolled her eyes gently and quirked her eyebrow in his direction, he winked at her and stood up straight again.

"Right. Well Erin I thought the friend you mentioned bringing along was a girl? Since this is a supposed to be a girl's night out."

And you said we would be going out for a drink, I guess we're both liars huh? Erin thought to herself.

"I know, but she couldn't make it and Sammy decided to volunteer to take her place. He might as well be a girl; you'll hardly notice the difference I promise."

Kim looked skeptical. Like she wanted to push the issue further but decided against it. "Alright he can stay but he has to participate like the rest of us."

"Participate, in what?" Sam asked.

"The post night discussion of course!" Kim answered, with more excitement than necessary as she reached down into her purse and dug out a notebook and pen for each of them. "We're all going to take notes on our favourite pieces and discuss them after the viewing, fun right?"

Erin braved a smile since she was used to Kim's concept of fun. Sam, on the other hand, refused to believe that she was serious as he erupted into a fit of laughter. Erin dug her elbow into his side and gave Kim a look of reassurance, "He has a weird sense of humour, we’re going to love this."

Kim nodded slowly and readjusted the strap of her purse "Okay, if you need anything just find me I'll be around" She began backing away "Oh and the drinks are free if you want one" The petite girl added before turning and disappearing into the shallow crowd.

"Homework, E. Seriously?" Sam began complaining not two seconds after Kim was no longer within earshot.

"What happened to Mr. Positive? The drinks are free that's something, right?"

"It's the only reason I'm still standing here"

"Oh come on, you wouldn't abandon your noona. Especially after you asked to tag along" Erin chuckled as she clipped the pen onto the side of her notebook.

"That's because I thought we would be drinking, not analyzing crappy art"

"Listen, I don't wanna do this anymore than you do. I'm way overdressed and I don't even like art. But at least we're here together and we've already been spotted so it's too early to bail anyway. If you want to continue grumbling I won't stop you but grumble on the way to the bar to get us some drinks."

Sam parted his lips to argue, but the resolve in Erin's eye made him second guess that. They could literally argue all night over this and he wasn't about to upset her when she looked that nice. "You're right," He sighed "You want your usual?"

"Yes please," Erin beamed and leaned upward to peck his cheek before he sauntered away in the direction of the bar with a dopey smile.

Suddenly very aware of the fact that she was standing in the middle of the floor alone, Erin quickly moved towards the nearest display of art. She pulled the pen from her notepad and pretended to be interested in the large canvas splattered with various lines and squiggles. Erin was never very appreciative of art even when she could understand the concept.

"Oh my god, this looks like a goddamn finger painting" She muttered underneath her breath.

A bellow of male laughter tickled Erin's ears from behind and almost made her jump out of her skin. She turned and came face to face with an unfamiliar person. His rounded cheeks made him seem young, much too young to be mixed in with this crowd but once Erin allowed her eyes to drift further down from his face she determined that he was probably in her age bracket. His hair was parted through the middle and pushed away from his face, colored a shade that Erin could only describe as neon tangerine and he wore a smile on his face that made the room seem ten shades brighter. He was tall but only by comparison to Erin, he was still a few inches shorter than Sammy so that brought him right to her eye level.

"Sorry, I didn't realise I was talking out loud," Erin said softly, accompanying her words with a slight bow.

"Don't be, you're not lying" He answered, still trying to stop himself from laughing "I'm Brian by the way."

"Erin"

Brian bit into his lip once his laughter subsided and subtly felt Erin up with his eyes. She pretended not to notice and returned her attention to the painting.

"So I guess art isn't really your thing either?"

"I love it actually, but the use of color and composition here is just lazy and uninspired." Brian commented and took a step closer, he was close enough for Erin to catch the scent of his cologne and a tiny shudder ran down the base of her spine. It was small but significant considering the only man that made her feel that way lately was Sammy. "Look at this area right here" He gestured to the far left side of the canvas "To the untrained eye it would probably look like a deliberate splatter of red paint to represent anguish, but I know that this artist just stepped on a tube and left the mark there."

"Mhm.... wait can you repeat that first thing again," Erin said, quickly putting her pen against the notebook and writing down the gist of what his.

"Are you a journalist?" Brian asked, scratching the back of his neck.

"University student, this is just for my.... study group. How do you know so much about this?"

"Because it's my painting and it only took me about five minutes to finish" Brian grinned and turned to face Erin. He was inches away and the coy smile that spread across his lips when their eyes connected made her chortle. Brian wet his bottom lip with his tongue which inadvertently drew Erin's attention there before the sound of someone clearing their throat behind them broke up the staring contest.

"Uh. The line was long, here's your drink. Who is this?" Sammy asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Erin smiled and took the tumbler of liquid from Samuel "This is Brian, we're making fun of his terrible art. Brian, this is my roommate; Sammy"

Both men nodded toward each other, exchanging a polite handshake before turning their attention back to Erin. Samuel was the first to speak.

"Listen do you really want to stay here all night? The drinks are watered down and I know how much you hate this art crap"

Erin shrugged gently but made a sour face the second she took a sip of her drink, it tasted like cranberry juice mixed with tap water, not vodka.

"Oh gross, let's get out of here before Kim finds me again," She said resting her cup on the nearest flat surface. She was all prepared to sprint out the nearest exit when a hand gently grabbed her upper arm and stopped her in her tracks.

"If you're going to leave can I see your phone before you go?" Brian asked, flirtatious smile still present.

"Why do you need to see my phone?"

"So I can put my number into it"

"Wow, you are subtle!" Erin laughed, taking a second to think of a response. "Ah, what the hell" She sighed and pulled her phone out of her purse, unlocked it and handed it over.

"Oh, what's this? It looks like you're accidentally calling me, that's weird. I guess I'll just have to save your number in my phone as well" Brian mused as his fingers moved over the keypad.

The entire interaction made Sam's lips fall into a flat, disapproving line while Erin giggled like it was the most amusing thing she'd ever seen.

"I hope to see you around sometime, Erin" Brian waved while she and Samuel headed toward the entrance.

"You too"

Instead of going home like Erin thought they would be, she and Samuel ended up at a bar a few blocks down from the warehouse where the gallery viewing was. Kim and all the members of her study group called multiple times but Erin stopped feeling bad about not picking after the first few shots.

Somehow one hour turned into to two and both Sam and Erin were tipsy to say the least they burst out onto the sidewalk, laughing at jokes neither of them were saying out loud.

"Do you know what we should do right now?" Sammy said excitedly, his hands holding onto Erin's shoulders.

"What?"

"Go watch the stars! Like we used to in school... I'm pretty sure there's a park somewhere around here" He muttered to himself but propelled forward anyway, dragging Erin along with him. She allowed him to pull her along as he tried to gain his bearings, she wasn't really ready to go home yet either.

After some trial and error, they managed to find the "park", which was actually just a patch of grass and a small hill but who was complaining?

Sammy motioned for Erin to sit next and she scrunched her nose upward "I don't want my dress to get dirty I'll stand, it's okay."

"Here," He sighed, pulling the jacket he was wearing off his shoulders and laying it down over the grass. "Better princess?"

"Much" Erin grinned as she moved to sit, exhaling a deep breath once she was settled and Sammy's arm found its way behind her. "I can't remember the last time we did this," She said after a beat, glancing up at the illuminated night sky.

"I do. It was the night of my graduation, you rode the bus all the way from Seoul to Daegu just to be there for my ceremony and stayed up with me to watch the stars even though you had a class the next morning." Sammy recalled with fondness in his voice.

"I remember that you begged me for like two hours to sneak out to the beach with you. Then when we actually got there you couldn't stop freaking out about being caught."

"My mother is a very perceptive woman; I still think she noticed me leaving in her sleep!" Sammy retorted and both of them exploded with laughter.

"You made a promise that night too, do you remember that?"

Sam nodded with a smile but didn't saying anything.

"You're just going to make me repeat it by myself?"

"You look so cute when you say it noona"

Erin rolled her eyes, but cleared her throat anyway "I- state your name-"

"Sang-min 'Samuel' Park!"

"-So solemnly swear to live my life to fullest degree of potential and happiness possible from this moment on, recognising that I am no longer a child, but that doesn't I have to turn into a cynical old man. All agreed say aye." Erin was hardly able to finish talking before she gave into the laughter.

"Aye!" Sammy repeated in a squeaky voice and joined Erin in a chorus of giggles and guffaws.

A moment of comfortable silence passed over them once the laughter died down and Erin sighed again, snuggling closer to Sam and leaning backwards on her elbows. "You think you kept your promise? Are you happy, Sam?"

He frowned for a second and shrugged "I'm alright, I've still got you with me so that's good enough for me." He said softly, reaching forward to brush a stray hair out of Erin's eyes and tuck it behind her ear. The tips of his fingers slowly trailed along her jawline as if he was touching her for the first time. When he cupped her jaw in one hand and pulled her face closer his Erin found herself letting him do so.

They had kissed before, games of spin the bottle at high school parties and a few times after having a couple drinks at home. But those could be explained away by a momentary lapse in judgement and raging underdeveloped hormones. This was a deliberate action and Samuel made sure to move at a slow pace to give Erin enough to time to back out if she wanted to.

She didn't want to.

"You looked so good tonight, noona" Sam whispered against the shell of Erin's ear, the bridge of his nose nuzzled against the hollow of Erins cheek and the warmth of his breath fanned over her skin causing heat to spread all over her body. Her breathing grew shallow and her eyes fluttered shut in anticipation, just as his lips barely brushed against her own a loud blaring noise shattered their fairy tale and made them both jump backwards.

"Oh shit, I think that's my phone. Sorry" Erin fumbled around with the clutch in her hands before pulling out her cell phone and preparing to curse out whoever had the misfortune of calling her at that exact moment.

"Hello?" Erin barked into the receiver.

"I- I'm sorry is this not a good time? Were you sleeping?" Brian’s gentle voice momentarily disarmed Erin's annoyance and she shook her head.

"Oh Brian is that you? No... I'm actually not even home yet, Sammy and I stopped for a drink before going home"

"O-oh okay," Brian replied softly, taking a second to think before speaking again "Well maybe you can text me when you home just so I know you're safe."

"I can do that" Erin answered, trying her best to smile even though she noticed the sudden change in Sam's posture, going from relaxed to rigid the second Erin answered the phone. He stood up after she hung up and held out a hand to help her to her feet. After she was standing he leaned down to pick up his jacket and dusted it off before placing it around Erin's shoulders.

"I should get you home."

#jung hoseok #hoseok smut #hoseok scenarios #hobi x oc #bts scenarios #j hope fanfic #j hope smut #dbbg #bngtanah

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rhywhitefang · 5 years

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It’s the end of the year (Well, not quite, but I’m not gonna get any reading done tomorrow) - and we all know what that means... Looking back at what you read and evaluating your favorites. And no, I did not contain myself to just 10 - but that’s also because I did read a lot this year. Why are they eleven books for the first two categories? Any excuse to include one more book It looks better on the graphic. Although, before someone asks why the Broken Earth Trilogy isn’t on here - Rereads don’t count and I read those in 2017. For a more detailed look at each of my lists, links to the books, and more of my thoughts, look under the cut. For a list of all of my favorite books look here.

Now, on to these...

The best new releases of the year

Now, obviously, I did not read every single book that was released this year - duh. This is just a list of the best 2018 releases that I read this year. Ranked, they look like this:

Girl Made of Stars by Ashley Herring Blake. Why I loved this one: It’s a really honest, well-written, gentle, well-done, nuanced, and detailed examination of what rape does not only to a person but also to a community from a perspective I’ve never seen considered before.

Darius The Great Is Not Okay by Adib Khorram Why I loved this one: Because I love well-done coming of age narratives and this one was excellent. It’s a very quiet, introspective, slow moving book with a softer main male character. I also really appreciated the setting of Teheran.

The Book of Essie by Meghan Maclean Weir Why I loved this one: Look, it’s one of my very specific favorite tropes of all time (I’m not going to spoil it) that I almost never see, the main character is interesting and strong in a mental way I really enjoy, and it’s a deconstruction of conservative family culture. Yay.

The Adventure Zone - Here there be Gerblins by Griffin McElroy Why I loved this one: I jumped on the hype train and listened to the podcast - and like, this is a comic adaptation of the first arc? Which is so much fun?

The Air You Breathe by Frances de Pontes Peebles Why I loved this one: I loved the main character who was bitter, and passionate, and jealous and lovin, and complicated and determined and stern and regretful. It was great. If you loved Evelyn Hugo, this one should be your next read.

The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay Why I loved this one: This thriller was very unique in the way that it put its focus on just one family, and the whole rest of the world was not really present. Instead we get a very closed, and isolated narrative where everything but the characters we follow and the relationships they have with each other is called into question.

How Long Til’ Black Future Month? by N. K. Jemisin Why I loved this one: I refuse to comment on claims that I light a candle of my very own N. K. Jemisin shrine every night before I fall asleep. If you haven’t read The Fifth Season - go read them right now. My favorites from this collection include: Valedictorian, The Storyteller’s Replacement, Walking Awake, and Henosis.

Circe by Madeline Miller Why I loved this one: I’m a huge slut for greek myth retellings, if you’re a semi-competent author retelling any greek myth, I’ll eat it up. And Miller is more than just semi-competent.

The Poppy War by R.F Kuang Why I loved this one: Listen, listen, listen - you know how to get me as a reader? Training sequences and school settings. This has 250 pages of training sequences in a school setting. It made me very happy.

Hurricane Child by Kheryn Callender Why I loved this one: Everyone’s excited for this author’s other book, which is like, a YA romance and to be fair, I haven’t read that one yet, but still - why is this one so underrated? It’s a magical realism coming of age story of a young girl and it’s stellar.

Inkmistress by Audrey Coulhourst Why I loved this one: I wasn’t the biggest fan of the author’s debut, but this has a lot of things I love - “be careful what you wish for” style blood magic, dark self-fulfilling prophecies, and a female characters journey from hero to villain. Also dragons.

The best backlist books of the year

Meaning, the best books I read this year that were released in 2017 or before that. Pretty simple, really.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan Why I loved this one: It has been a long time since I was this attached to a group of book characters that quickly. They’re instantly relatable, even if they’re not instantly likeable. And beyond that, the whole book is a wonderfully satirical take on the portal fantasy genre. But seriously, guys, there’s not enough of fanfiction for this book - I’d know it, I read them all.. C’mon, where’s my soulmate AU?

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman Why I loved this one: One of the best YA novels out there and not only one of my favorite’s of this year, but also one of my favorite books of all time. Alice Oseman understands the teen coming of age story on a spiritual level, and manages to be so wonderfully affirming in this one.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid Why I loved this one: Listen to the hype, everyone, listen to the hype. Evelyn Hugo is an amazing character and I’d 100% believe you if you told me she was a real person. PLUS, this one also has the trope. The one I talked about with the Book of Essie.

Strong Female Protagonist by Molly Ostertag Why I loved this one: Well-done, deconstructionalist superhero narrative are my jam. This webcomic is not that action driven, instead it focuses on the main character identity crisis, and her reconsidering what it means to be a hero and what her responsibility as a human is.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M Danforth Why I loved this one: Do you think the owner of this blog might like coming of age narratives? I’m not super sure, like, maybe if she had “I love coming of age narratives” tattooed on her forehead, it would be a little clearer... but like this? It’s a mystery.

Whichwood by Tahereh Mafi Why I loved this one: No, I did not read the first book in this series, and I don’t think you need to in order to enjoy this. Here, I just really appreciated the friendship aspect of the book and the healing power of reaching out to others and letting them into your heart. Also death magic. That too.

Long Way Down by Jason Reynolds Why I loved this one: I think the slam poetry style this was written in, often novels written in verse don’t work for me because it feels like more distance being put between you and the narrative, but in this case it really elevated the story. And of course, this was a very introspective read with a focus on character development.

One Hundred Nights of Hero by Isabelle Greenberg Why I loved this one: The artwork here is just gorgeous, just like in the first one The Encyclopedia of Early Earth. Its beautiful and has a lovely fairytale vibe.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon Why I loved this one: This has a very sharp, very unique voice to it and a protagonist unlike anyone I ever read. And the spaceship setting was really cool as well.

Under the Pendulum Sun by Jeannette Ng Why I loved this one: This is a fae book that gets fucking dark, and truly fucked up as any proper fae book should do. Some parts of it read almost like a trippy nightmare which is just delightful. And the premise itself? Just wild, man

Girl Mans Up by M-E Girard Why I loved this one: Say it with me everyone 📣: Coming 👏 of 👏 Age 👏 Narrative

Honorable Mentions

Yes, I have a whole entire seperate list of honorable mentions. What’s it to you?

A Very Large Expanse of Sea by Tahereh Mafi Why I loved this one: The writing is beautiful and engaging. The protagonist is refreshing, lively, realistic, and I loved her perspective. Her internal journey was wonderfully rendered. The issues she dealt with were important, timely, and needed to be put into the forefront. It had a lyrical, atmospheric quality to it and I thoroughly enjoyed my experienced reading it. Why it didn’t quite make the list: It almost, almost made the list because it was really good. There was just one thing that bothered me. I get that the point of this book was that the protagonist was really isolated in the beginning, but even so... she had a romance with a guy, she had her brother and his friends whom she hung out with. But she didn’t seem to know any other girls... at all. The only other real female character I remember is her mother. And then there’s one interaction with another girl and that girl is a racist bitch. So I didn’t like that portrayal.

Geography Club by Brent Hartinger Why I loved this one: Teenagers finding themselves.... friendship..... clubs.... gay people.... I mean, come on. Why it didn’t quite make the list: The writing style isn’t the best.

And I Darken by Kiersten White Why I loved this one: This was a great first book in a trilogy with a historical setting I haven’t read about before. It has court intrigue, sultans, assassins and political imprisonments. The main character’s brother, Radu, is one of my favorite characters I read about this year and I liked the way this tackled religion. Why it didn’t quite make the list: Being the first one in a series, this feels more like...a prologue, than anything that could stand on its own.

When I Hit You - A Portrait of the Author as a Young Wife by Meena Kandasamy Why I loved this one: It’s an unflinching look at an abusive marriage, power dynamic, and coping with the more patriarchal aspects of your own culture. It’s also really well written and extremely believable. Why it didn’t quite make the list: It had an odd framing device, and because the protagonist was a writer, this caused it to be kind of pretentious at times.

Here to Stay by Sara Farizan Why I loved this one: This is a very realistic depiction of high school, and the social dynamics most teenagers for. Teenagers aren’t wise or mature, most of them have a lot of growing to do. And I liked how flawed everyone there was. They just wanted to keep their head down, or they overcompensated for their insecurities, and they dealt with their own issues. I liked how the topics in here were handled. Why it didn’t quite make the list: The plot was a bit too simplistic for me.

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant Why I loved this one: Killer mermaids! Need I say more? I’ll say it again - killer mermaids! Why it didn’t quite make the list: Despite the title, this isn’t really that deep. Just a fun monster horror.

The Emperor’s Soul by Brandon Sanderson Why I loved this one: The one thing that Sanderson does consistently well is develop magic systems, and I really liked this one. And because this one was so short, there wasn’t some epic (or even cosmic) overarching plot, but a rather clear and relatively small narrative of a specific task that needed to be completed, which I found absolutely fascinating. I think I like this story even more than the Mistborn trilogy. It’s my favorite from him. Why it didn’t quite make the list: Everytime Sanderson writes a female character, you can tell he feels so proud of himself for being such a feminist.

I Was Born for This by Alice Oseman Why I loved this one: This surprised me. Even though I loved Radio Silence by Oseman and had read that one before, the subject matter of this book didn’t really seem appealing to me, but it was still really fun. I loved the friendship dynamics and the discussions of fame. Why it didn’t quite make the list: I just very much wanted this one to go more in depth and really dive into that character development, and these relationship dynamics. I just wanted a little more of that.

A History of Glitter and Blood by Hannah Moskowitz Why I loved this one: I loved most things to do with the fae - the dark fae of folklore, mind you, not whatever SJM is doing. Now, these fairies aren’t really traditional, but the setting is definitely dark. Also, there’s an unreliable narrator which I love. Why it didn’t quite make the list: I was kind of iffy about some of the racial implications with the goblins.

The Monster Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson Why I loved this one: We stan a ruthless, traitorous accountant. Love that dark character development, bitch. Why it didn’t quite make the list: While I loved the first one, this one really lacked a clear sense of structure or direction. The pacing was kind of off.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan Why I loved this one: I loved the worldbuilding here, and the setting of concubines in a castle, quiety rebelling in themselves. Yay. Why it didn’t quite make the list: It felt a bit juvenile at some points, some things were rushed, and I would have liked a bit more depth to the characters, especially the love interest.

#favorites 2018 #books #best books of 2018 #best books of the year #bookblr

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iwantasecretgarden · 6 years

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Dear Misty,

@mercedeslackeyblog - please print this for her in the hospital! I want her to know we all love her and are rooting for her.

You have been one of the icons in my life for as long as I’ve been reading. Seriously. I picked up “Arrows of the Queen” when I was twelve and fell dizzyingly in love. So in love, in fact, that my father bought me the set of them leatherbound. It was one of the last things he ever bought me. They sit on my shelf with me wherever I move to (and I have moved a lot). They are the epitome of my childhood.

How do I even begin to explain what you have meant to me? I wrote you a fan letter in my teens, but I don’t think it ever reached you. Websites were less...polished then. I tried to find a copy to see what I had said, but I don’t have it anymore, so I’ll write this from scratch.

First off, for someone growing up in the 90s, sexuality was a difficult topic. My father was Catholic about it. My mother was liberal about acceptance, but not very liberal about giving us the tools to recognize it. I didn’t really accept the fact I was bi until I was 26 (last year). It was an embarrassing realization, because I had always been conditioned to already think women were interesting and cool and beautiful. But I honestly and truly believe one of the reasons I grew up being so tolerant of sexuality wasn’t my mother’s liberal attitude, but because of the fantasy I read, which didn’t use sexuality as a dramatic plot device. Your books, especially, in depicting queer relationships, poly relationships, and interracial relationships in such an ordinary light, in such a non-complaining, non special, non interesting way (as it should be!) that to me it became ordinary. I didn’t understand the big fuss when people started coming out in eighth and ninth grade. Well of course Brett could like boys. Silverfox did, and he’s one of my favorite characters, a fictional hero who I use to help combat my own anxiety and work through impossible situations. I didn’t understand why liking girls was so shocking. Keren was the impossibly cooler most perfect big sister/coach figure. I was into horse back riding until 16 (when, unfortunately, my horse died). Keren has a lot of the surly riding instructor in her, and it was a far more interesting aspect of her personality than her relationship with Sheri. Keren had even assured Sheri she would have been welcome as their third. As a kid, it hadn’t even occurred to me to make an argument against it. I - Talia’s age - agreed with her. When life gives you child brides and weird cult compounds, it’s better to find love where you can. Genuine love. Regardless of anything else.

Secondly, it was a book I needed when I didn’t know I would need it. A lot of fiction - especially geared at children - skates lightly over topics of depression, anxiety, and loss. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry Potter with my soul. But even at the age I read it I felt the shallowness of their reactions when Sirius died. I felt my own reaction even crying while reading the book to be stronger. It would infuriate me that the next book they sort of conveniently forgot it had only been a few weeks/months. That Harry was “sad but manageable.” For context, my dad contracted Lou Gehrig’s disease at 44. They told him he had likely already had the disease 10 years. He lost everything; his temper, his dignity, bits of his mind at a time. Any filter between his brain and his mouth. His fine motor control, like holding a spoon. His major motor control, like being able to stand up. He was in a powerchair within the year. As the oldest daughter, it was expected that I would help turn him, change his catheter, and answer his shrill screams in the night. I was fourteen years old.

Dad and I were inseparable. Father-daughter relationship compounded by the fact he had, in essence with a flexible work schedule, been a stay at home dad. He had been my primary caregiver, my confidante, my chef, my advisor, my everything. And now I was his punching bag as he lost a bit of himself at a time. “My friend, who’s a psychiatrist,” Mom always said it this way, to make sure we knew she wasn’t so weak as to need therapy. A challenge to dare us to say we did. “He says that he’s hardest on you, because he’s most assured of your love. That he can abuse you and scream at you and curse at you because he knows you’ll go back the next day. A moth to a flame.” And me staring blankly at her: “Of course I will.” Because even if it was my worst fear - it was, always had been - even if it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined - his death would have broken me, but only in half. His suffering crushed the pieces of me into dust and left me a gaping black thing sucking in the world - “I love him too much to miss a moment of this.” Even if every minute - every possible second - was me reminding myself I had to breathe and feeling my lungs on fire, my head was on the edge of a migraine, it was impossible to interact, but I had to. I had to smile. To go to high school. To turn in assignments on time regardless of the cost between going to bed at 2 and hearing him scream at 3.

Your books, though, weren’t fake. I held onto them with the assurance of that one quote: life is the scream into the void; art is the answer you are not alone. I held onto the depression and grief and trauma of your characters and felt sane. If I hadn’t, I might have thought I was losing my mind. I was, of course. And I had been conditioned Catholically to think of mental health as a weakness, a secret shame. I had been told by my mother psychologists and medication were wonderful advancements for those people; sick people. Sick in their mind, she would say smugly. Her adamant assurance was: “We have to go on like usual. We can’t let people know we’re struggling.” And so we did. Social events. Big smiles. Sleepovers (somewhere else, my friends explained, your dad bums us out). People didn’t find out he was dying until prom of my senior year. I was on the receiving end of a lot of horror from teachers (why didn’t you tell us? Ask for an extension?) I had to be normal I wanted to tell them, but I didn’t even know how to begin to explain.

Once a pediatrician told my mom I was deeply angry and tired; I was losing my father. I was fifteen. I needed to see a counselor. My mom went ballistic in a public waiting room. She aggressively turned to me and asked if this was true? There was no chance, of course, for me to disagree. I didn’t even want to. My loyalty to my family was (is) so strong that seeing anyone upset her so badly had put my back against the wall and made me bare my teeth. I reflect a lot on it now; how poorly that doctor handled it, the way she would have bungled it much worse if it had been physical abuse. You never confront the person in front of the child. Never don’t have a safety plan in place.

“She said you were so young,” my mother snarled on the way home. “When we both know you haven’t been young in years. I watched you. Watched you go from fifteen to twenty in months instead of years. Don’t you think?”

I could only nod, and when I covered my mouth, fingertips touched wet skin. I hadn’t been young in years.

Darkwind was someone I identified heavily with. Someone who changed his name, cut his hair, let his grief consume him. Someone who shied away from Silverfox’s help. Someone who was glad when his father still got some. The day of my dad’s funeral, I cut off my hair. I was 19. The nightmare had lasted five years. I had stayed home to go to a local college so I could keep living at home, keep shielding my younger sisters, keep driving them to school and viola practice and karate. I had to give up my extracurriculars early on (and lie, of course, on my applications). It was actually a disaster at the hair cutting place (not important, but the lady called the police thinking I had stolen her cell phone which had fallen behind some tools). I went home. My mother took one look at my hair and told me it made my face look fat. “It’s for Dad,” I said steadily. In my mind, I was howling like Darkwind. I wondered if I could break my name into grief and sorrow, but it was too hard to think of the name I might have been, since the person I had been was as dead as dad was.

On days where my two younger sisters were scared and confused (the youngest was 13 when he died), I read them The Fairy Godmother and One Good Knight. They liked that one especially well. I went on to absorb almost all of your works (I think it’s impossible though, to be honest. There are just so many that either you’re a witch or I keep reading the same ones again and thinking I’ve never read them. For instance, I have a Bard Song on my nightstand right now from a bargain bin. Never read it before. Recently read Four and Twenty Blackbirds). Of course, my favorite series was Valdemar. I know all those characters the best, having reread most of them over again several times. I liked Elemental Masters, 700 Kingdoms (some). I was sad that the Beauty & the Beast stories in both weren’t my favorites (The Fire Rose, Beauty and the Werewolf, since it’s my favorite Disney film (but as your stories follow the traditional fairytale a little closer, and that tale is a bit gross, I understand). I think my favorites were The Firebird, Phoenix and Ashes, Reserved from the Cat, The Wizard of London).

Honestly, I may be a tiny minority, but I ADORE Joust. I was sad there weren’t more of them. I spent much of the time I read them inventing my own dragon egg, my own falling through time and space. My own female girl rider takes on the Team without being just a sidekick who talked to animals. It is hard to recommend or talk about it without people laughing, and I appreciate it IS an incredibly hard-core nerd fantasy genre (ancient Egypt, jousting, dragons). It feels a lot like Anne McCaffery crossed with a Naomi Novik story (since Temeraire and Napoleonic Wars are equally hard-core nerd stories. I was lucky to stumble on that line recently - I feel like there’s not enough of the true blue 80s/90s fantasy voice anymore. Sometimes it feels all too dark and plot driven, lacking the characters and slice of life that your works have nestled in my heart, places like the Palace Compound that I know as well as I knew my middle and high schools. A place as real to me as they are, including my own room. My own Companion. My own Heraldic Whites when I turned 18 and took the leatherbound books from my father in an eyestinging rush of love.

Even now when I was looking up a list of your work, I’m amazed and appalled to see I haven’t caught any of your works since 2009 or so. HOW MANY ARE THERE 100? 200? I thought there were 70 something, but no, you’ve far outstripped yourself. I usually pick up the books in secondhand shops. I’ll go straight for “L” and then just tip all of them into my arms if I haven’t read them. It’s one of my favorite rainyday activities. I noticed you even have a book out this year! CRAP! It should not be POSSIBLE you can write faster than I can read! I’m 27 and I still read a lot of the books that came out when I was born or in diapers. Sometimes I wonder which books you’ve written are your favorites. If there are books you’ve written you skim through like “hmmm I don’t even remember this” and read it with the same laughing intensity as the rest of us, resting your thumb on “oh yes, this was when I was...”

Anyway. I know this letter is long. You’ve been a saint for even getting this far. So let me say this. When I think of the BEST writers of fantasy in the 20th and 21st centuries, your name is among the greats. I’ll say something like: Anne McCaffery’s Dragonriders of Pern; Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game; Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time; Mercedes Lackey’s Valdemar...and EVERYTHING ELSE. A lot more people know the names of George R.R. Martin, of J.K. Rowling, of Neil Gaiman. But none of them have put out the solid, unending stream of work that literally POPULATES what most people consider “fantasy.” Your ideas, your work, your world-building influence television, influence Dungeons & Dragons, other works. You are a Giant in your field, and even if you don’t feel it, you have laid the groundwork for an entire generation to lay themselves reverently on the altar of your sacrifice, your reflection of relationships, and taught young girls like me what it was to embrace themselves, in all shapes - black tar and bi pride.

I know you probably tire of hearing this, but I want to be an author. And I’m a good writer. I don’t say it boastfully. I say it as something I’ve always heard, from teachers and friends and magazines. But mom said being an author was like being an actor - a pipe dream, a thing to do “on the side” and “as a hobby.” And it is a hobby of mine, for now. I did the Responsible Thing and became a lawyer. It was quite horrible. But I did it. For Dad, you know. Legacy and all that.

But don’t you DARE die before I’m published. I’m not talking about the hospital right now. I’m talking about choking on a banana; slipping on the sidewalk; getting mobbed by adoring fans. It is literally my bucketlist to publish a book, to meet you, to dedicate the book to a woman who I’ve never met, who I’ve never known, but who had influenced and impacted my life SO profoundly I consider her characters as pieces of myself. Her worlds as places of safety when I’m sad. The helping hand she held out to a twelve year old girl, and fifteen years later the one I’m still gripping tightly.

YOU are one of the best women in my life, and one of the best role models I’ve ever known. Even if we’ve never met, knowing that you could be a deeply nerdy human who loves horses and magic and reading every day and still be “successful” when the world outside told me I dressed wrong and looked wrong and felt wrong. That I needed to pick up a magazine, or watch sitcoms, or generally stop making them feel pitying and uncomfortable because of the things I liked. You made me proud to be a feminist, an ally, a writer, a dreamer, a reader, and maybe only lately of my sexuality, but still growing and going forward.

So, here’s lots of love and adoration and gratitude flooding your way from:

One herald (whose companion was someone she knew in real life reincarnated too early, obviously grove born, with mindspeech, with magic, of course and lifebonded with a Kestra'chern. Predictably, I fought the lifebonding every step of the way, and consider him a great nuisance).

One dragon rider in the jousting wars (with a dragon named Altaira (high flying) who is such a deep dark color she seems black but ripples cobalt and violet).

One grateful apprentice to the Fairy Godmother, who herself was saved from one of a great many plots by the impetus of her father’s illness/death.

And of course, from one persnickety lawyer in DC, drowning in student loan debt and of course too many books, one cat too pretty to be a boy named Gandalf, and his Greyhounds (yes, two, who are very lowkey and I think you would like. They’re like large sleeping cats more than dogs, but very friendly with horses). Of course I named the cat Gandalf simply for the introduction of “Gandalf, the Greyhounds.” Originally I wanted to name a dog “Gandalf...the Greyhound” but because of who I am I went to the shelter and asked for the dog least likely to get adopted and sort of came out with a bonded pair and then it seemed they needed twin names so they’re named Fred & George after Harry Potter.

But rambling aside, I adore you. I adore your books. I adore the world you’ve given freely for us to play in. Get well soon, and lots, lots, and lots of love. I’ll be playing in my worlds today especially a lot, thinking of you.

All the best,

Kaylee

#mercedeslackeyblog

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kristens-chaotic-life · 4 years

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Big Update #2

So my update part 2...as far as the changes going on in my life. I think this one is going to be harder and longer to write than I planned. And now I question if I should have saved this one for last! So the last I’d say 6 months or so..maybe more, it might be closer to a year now I’ve been really working more on my relationship with God. I’ve believed in God since I was young...and during high school and college spent a lot of time helping with worship and such. But as an adult I really just hadn’t been going as much. It got hard, and I just didn’t go. Just the thought of getting the kids ready and dragging them out alone, and keeping them occupied during a service didn’t seem fun to me. Yes I know there is childcare. BUT as YOUNG kids my kids had nothing to do with being away with me and stuck into a room with other kids. Michael is still this way. He sits with me, or his Grammy if I happen to be singing during the church services. That toddler room is NOT for him. So anyways...I just didn’t go. Finally like 2 years ago we had started going. Went for a few months but then once Zach's mom and grandma went down south for the winter I again decided it was way too much work for me to do on my own. So this fall we started going again. And then in October I became part of the worship arts team. And it has been WONDERFUL. Being a part of a group like that is so great. Helping lead others to worship is just so amazing! Super huge to thanks to Zach's mom for helping out with the kids so I can be apart of something like that because it involves kid shuffling on our busy night of the week on the weeks that I have rehearsal. (taekwondo and cheer) And getting up a little early on Sundays and picking up the kids and bringing them church, getting them to their classrooms, and entertaining Michael during the service. And then getting them back home and most times feeding them lunch, because I’m not back for another couple hours. It's quite a bit! So I am super appreciative of that. Now even though she’s gone for the winter we are still going, and still making it work. Well this week we didn’t go because Michael is sick so we stayed home. And there was 1 week we had a snow storm. But aside from that we are still going :) And I’m still helping with worship, about once a month. Zach&Stephanie are helping do the kid shuffle.

In January(so originally when I typed this it was still January lol but I put it off and now am rereading and editing) I got to sing “Your Great Name” when learning that I was going to be doing that I put a lot of thought into the meaning of the song when I was working on it and what it means to me. I do usually spend a bit of time connecting with all the songs, because I feel that it's important. But I spent extra time on this one. And just every single line of the song is something. The whole song is just so powerful! Take a listen below(the entire service which is also great can be found somewhere on my fb page) Big thanks to my uncle for cutting down this video for me so that I was able to share it :)

https://youtu.be/GmmuuFimaoQ

Another thing I have been doing, well trying to do but I’m not great at doing it daily. But I was given this book The Purpose Driven LIfe, by my therapist. It has 40 days of short readings, and things to think about. (Insert picture here) It really and just reminds you that YOU have a purpose. YOU were planned by God and he knows everything about you and has a plan for you. I’m excited to keep going in that. I just find that I forget to read from it daily, because ya know distractions and life. BUT it's pretty awesome.(Update here, I should be done with this, but I’m only about half through. BUT it is still awesome, life is just busy)

So..now this brings me to this next part. And now that I’m here I’m not sure if it belongs in this entry, or if it really belongs in the next one. Really I think it relates to both. The counseling office I go through hosted a prayer event, a HeartSync conference. When I got the invite for it, it immediately caught my eye, and I just KNEW I HAD to go. Not even fully understand what it was about, or much about it at all. But I felt I needed to be there. So I registered right away. I told my therapist I was going, and he said that was cool and that it's very powerful. And wow, was he right. I don’t even know that powerful is the word to explain it. But I can’t think of a word that means something more than powerful right now. So we’ll just go with that. The conference was on a Friday night for a few hours and then all day on Saturday. I had 2 friends there too. My friend April who we had planned to attend together so that we didn’t have to be alone. And then Christy, who I have known for years, but we hadn’t talked all that much and this even really brought us together. All 3 of us really, it's been a blessing..but that's an update for another time :) When I got there I recognized many other faces. Not really people I knew, but people I had seen at the counseling office before, as well as a handful of the therapists/counselors(not mine, he was unable to be there). Friday night was very emotional and moving. Spent a lot of time praying...and while praying God would reveal some other aspect of something going on in my life. And it was just truly emotional. I couldn’t think of another time that I had spent so much time crying. We had talked about defense mechanisms that we use, and I hadn’t even really thought of many of them, but then going through them it was like yep, I do use that..and that..and really a handful of them. One of the last times we spent praying Your Great Name was played. And that brought in so much emotion for me, as I had just spent so much time a week ago and even before that connecting with that song. The night ended and I was talking in a group with a few people, one being one of the therapists from the office and he asked if I wanted him to pray with me because it seemed like I needed to. And we did. And there is something very powerful about that, and so helpful that I’m not quite sure how to explain. It had been awhile (I think since my first counseling session, maybe 2nd with my therapist) since I had someone pray with me. I could tell after all of this that night that God was doing something in me. But couldn’t quite grasp what was happening.

So day 2. LONG day! 830 in the morning. I’m not a morning person. Well, in a way I am because I workout early everyday..like 5/530. But as far as my brain being working and taking things, not so great. I was exhausted because the night was long and I hadn’t slept much and I was struggling to get my heart in the right place. But during our first break I had a quick yet much needed chat and was able to get my head and heart in the right place so that I could continue to let God work. We spent a lot of time discussing trauma. And what all it was. And that it's not just the physical things, or grieving a loss or some sort of abuse like a lot of people would think. But there's another type. The absence of something. Ok...so as I’m writing this I’m thinking I’ll at some point do an entire entry talking about what this is. But through this I saw God work in me and I saw God working in others...and at some point I will do an actual heartsync. I just don’t feel that I’m ready yet. I need to let my guard down more I think, and I feel like the process can leave you feeling pretty vulnerable through it, I could be wrong. But just based off of how I was feeling while praying there and everything else...I think I have some praying to do to get there. But after the conference I talked for a few with Steve, who did the conference and is the director of renewal. He told me when I was ready to do a heartsync to talk to Chad about it, because he is trained in doing it. So this is something I have been praying about..and if you are a person who prays, pray for me! Steve also gave me a copy of his book, the Divided Heart, which is next on my list to read. Kind of to summarize what happened...letting God in, being able to let go of things, and just letting God work, and show you things. It was very very powerful. Also...I need to share my fortune from a fortune cookie from when we were out to lunch. This couldn’t be more perfect.

Some of you may wonder if I’m done yet...well no. I’m not :) This has really been a journey. A journey of growth...so much spiritual growth, and I know that will continue. Since I started this one I also had the opportunity to lead another song, which is a favorite of mine, “Who You Say I Am”. Take a listen :)

https://youtu.be/1gA_ZQYg0Fs

This coming week I’m leading 2 songs. And I’m really looking forward to them. And it amazes me how things tie together sometimes. And I know it's just not a coincidence. So one of the songs I’m leading is “I am not alone”. Which of course is another very powerful song. Friday while I was at counseling the conversation we were having we were talking about how God is always there, and praying. And he asked what I was thinking. And I was like...so...the song I’m leading is I am not alone. I feel that God is really reminding me of that right now. And if you are reading this now...I want to remind you that, too. You are never alone. God is always there. No matter what it is we are going through. Depending on what's going on it can be easy to forget...but at that moment when things seem too much, just pray. He is there. For some people I know being told to pray might seem silly. I understand. I was told that a lot. And I’d be like ok...yea. I will. Sometimes thinking why bother...but seriously. JUST DO IT! It really does help. And maybe, find someone to pray with. And don’t be afraid to ask someone to pray with you. And when I say that, I am talking to myself too. I am not sure why, but I DO like people to pray with me. And sometimes I NEED that. But I’m afraid to ask. So, to the people who might be a little more on the outgoing side, if you can, ask someone if they would like you to pray with them. Some of us need that person to ask….

I know this was long...and I know it might not have all made sense. My mind is kinda all over and there’s so much more to say...but we’ll get there. This update was long overdue!

#heartsync Jesus GodIsGood PowerinPrayer

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deathbyfics · 7 years

Text

Love for the Final XO

I didn’t want to lose these or leave them to rot in my inbox or not acknowledge them or delete them. I want to keep these forever because they’ve truly meant the world to me and I love each and every one. You guys have really shown me such love and support and I can’t express how grateful I am.

So this is just going to be a massive post of responses I got from the final. No URLS will be posted.

Thank you thank you thank you! xx

Hi! I've just finished the last chapter and it really moved me. I loved every second of Hide and XO and, let me tell you, you wrote a perfect end. I'm aware that you struggled while you were working on the fic and I saw it reflected in it. I really hope you listen to your own words and keep going on despite whatever happens in your life. Keep being positive and keep doing whatever makes you happy. Once again, thank you so much for writing such a beautiful story and congratulations on it. Lots of love from Spain ❤️

Oh my goodness, the final chapter is up. I've grown up with this fic. It helped me come to terms with and embrace my sexuality. I...just need a moment before I jump in. Thank you for everything.

I stop reading fanfics about one direction a long time ago but for some reason I always kept up with yours. I think it was they way it had them in it but it wasn’t solely about the band and it was way more realistic then an other story i have ever read them. It was truly an amazing and beautiful story thank you for continuing to write it all these years , I’ll truly miss it.

I cried throughout for Avery, Harry & their families, a bittersweet ending for a couple who had faced all that life had thrown at them with such strength, togetherness & love. They really were there for it all. Madeline's wedding was beautiful & the letter from Avery was perfect, but my god you really got me with the letter to Harry. I've loved, cried & laughed over this past 4 years sharing in their story, thank you so much Bee it's been one hell of a journey & I've enjoyed every single part❤️

I've been reading Hide since it first started and you would update every Friday. At that time I was so unhappy with my life and the situation I was in and Hide was one of the only things that I looked forward to each week. 4 years later I've much happier with my life but I've still always looked forward to all your Hide updates. You wrote an amazing story that inspired me and helped my confidence at a time when I desperately needed it. Hide is so much more than 'fanfic' to me, it will always Stick with me and I will always remember it as one of my favourite pieces of writing I've ever read. The last part was heartbreaking but fitting and you should be so proud of the world you created with Hide Bee. Xx

Oh my gosh you ruined me. But in the best way possible, I think? You are truly talented. Keep writing, my love. Congrats on closing this beautiful chapter of your life. I wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for it all. Even though I've been continuously bawling for 2+ hours. I think I'll be crying for a long time.

Words are hard to come by for me but I just want to THANK YOU for all the hours and all the days (and years) of dedication you've put into Hide. I loved every second of it, it's been a wild ride and the ending was super hard and emotional (I was in tears, actually fucking tears) but I feel like it was the perfect ending to their story. SO THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will never forget their story, never, ever.

Bee, I just want to thank you with all my heart for creating Hide. I've learned so much from it since I started reading it in my first year of uni. I identified so much with Avery's insecurities, realized that I needed to work on my self-love, and have been working and growing since. I'm so grateful that I've been able to read this beautiful story you've written. Thank you thank you thank you. I don't doubt that you'll accomplish your dreams as a writer from this. i wish you all the best <3

I am sitting here in TEARS reading the last part of this. It's so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing this piece of art with us. It truly as been an amazing ride and I'm so touched with the story. The end of an era!!!

Wow... Where to start? I'm sobbing in tge bathtub here. That was amazing and beautiful and sad and perfect. You were one of the first authors I ever read like 5 years ago when I first got into this fandom. I rec hide to anyone who will listen and even those who won't. Avery and Harry were so real. You made them come alive and gave them real world problems. I love their kids and their life. This was an amazing perfect ending. Tears and all. Thank you.

Literally sobbing. I can't say I loved it bc I don't think anyone could love reading about someone dying. Especially someone who they've grown to love as a character. However, it was beautifully written and a beautiful ending to a love story that was bigger then anyone. I can appreciate the way you wanted it to end, and there's nothing I can do to change it. But thank you for bringing Harry and Avery to us. The fact that it made me physically sad means you've done your job as a writer. All the❤️

Okay I just finished it and I had a serious panic attack just now. It definitely wasn't compeltely from reading it (I had one this morning too) so don't feel bad but it triggered me and I couldn't catch my breath there for a bit. Now that I'm calmer HOLY SHIT BEE! What a beautiful story. I can't believe I've been here since you started it, before that even. The Harry that you've created is almost exactly like how I imagine he is in real life so good job on that! I think Avery has the best character development in the story. She's real and struggles with self love just like the rest of us but she learns to love herself and be confident. I still remember the feeling I'd get when you'd upload a new chapter. I would get all excited and I would read it in one sitting (thats like 2 hours). Today I felt different when I saw that you finished it. I knew it was going to be the end and I didn't want to be sad. I think that even though the ending has really gotten to me, I understand why I understand why you ended it like that. You are real and this story is real and so you weren't going to end it all happily ever after. Avery got her happy ending in a twisted way and this story IS and always has been Avery's story. Seriously, thank you so much for sharing their world with us. And thank you for seeing your vision through instead of changing things to please other people. Please give us a heads up before you remove it once and for all cause I'd really like to reread it again.

The fact I started reading Hide three years ago and how much has changed since then is crazy to think about, but all I can say that you have created something so so beautiful. I've been sobbing for the last few hours, more than I've ever cried from any published fiction. Thank you for creating Harry & Avery. For describing a love so fierce and powerful that inspires me to settle for nothing less. Thank you thank you thank you.

the ending was so beautiful, i took my time reading carefully to soak it all up. and i haven’t stopped crying since, thank you so much for giving us this 💖

I'm full on crying. I couldn't finish reading it because it literally hurt so much but you're such an amazing writer!

i haven't been able to stop crying oh my god that was intense. YOU MY FRIEND ARE SO GIFTED IN WRITING

you actual cold hearted bitch (i'm just kidding i love you so much) how dare you

I'm halfway reading through the last chapter and I literally cannot finish it. I'm an emotional wreck as I type this to you. My eyes are all puffy and my nose is running. I needed a break before I continue reading but I just wanted to say I love how beautiful you made Harry and Avery. From the beginning of Hide, I never thought I'd see them as an unconditionally loving couple. Also, bee this fanfic has helped me open up to my being honest with my feelings and to being affectionate. Thank you.

We're just gonna act like I wasn't crying my eyes out the entire time. That being said it was so beautifully written like all of your work is.

It's hard to form into words how sentimental I feel toward Harry and Avery. Hide feels like more than a fic to me, I guess. I've followed them for as long as I can remember, I would get so excited seeing you post a new chapter each week. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You created a beautiful story and I will be forever attached to Havery. Xx

I just finished "Summer" and i'm a mess and have no words. I just wanna thank you for such a beautiful story and wish you very good luck in life, Bee. And i sincerely hope you get to, one day, write a book because you can fucking write!! xx

I have been following this blog now for a little over two years now and I have never, ever felt so many emotions in one story in my whole life. No book, no fan fiction, nothing has ever come close to this before. As a young, aspiring writer I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing your work with people. Thank you for creating such developed, mature and realistic characters. Thank you for making a fictional character be an inspirational and empowering woman who I admire. Hide has been the best piece of writing that I have ever read not just from a fanfic standpoint but from a romance story. So bravo, Hide was really, truly incredible work. Really well done with everything. I admire you and hope that you will continue writing more in the future, I will be first in line at any book signings. Well done and thank you again, Bee. x

Bee, I wasn't ready. Was not prepared in the least. I cried the entire time, literally felt like I was going through it with them. I'll miss Harry and Avery so much. I was reading back on your old blog when you were updating each chapter. I want to say the story was only maybe 10 chapters in when I found it and have been with it ever since. My fav story/characters of all time. You are so talented and I'm so happy I got to come along on this journey. Thank you! xoxo

I'm a blubbering mess. Bee, words don't do that final chapter justice. It was perfect. I've been an avid follower and reader of your fics since the good ole' days of your Can't Do Better series. When you first started Hide, I instantly fell in love with Harry and Avery's story and would find myself yearning for Sunday to come around so I could read the latest chapter. Knowing that I was about to read the last ever installment of Harry and Avery's journey, my emotions/expectations were all over the place however your writing once again blew me away and exceeded every expectation I didn't even know I had. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please continue to write, you truly have an amazing gift. Congratulations on finally finishing XO!!! It truly is an end of an era...excuse me while I cry my eyes out a bit more haha xx

How. How. How could you do this to me? I swear I haven't stopped crying. This is just heartbreaking ... your writing is absolutely beautiful. My mom died 12 years ago and left me and my two brothers and I related to Maddie so so much BecaSe I got married 2 years ago. And my dad is my hero so watching him go through that and now reading this has brought back so many memories that are just heartbreaking but that remind me that time heals all wounds.Thank you for this even if my eyes are swollen🙈

That felt so real? I feel like Im in this thing and im experiencing it for real? I hadnt even noticed that everything was blurred and my cheeks were wet. You're so so talented and I truly needed a moment of silence to just tell myself that I was reading fiction. I love literature but I have never had this feeling before, I dont quite know what to call it. It enough to say that you are incredible, and your writing ability is outstanding.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I have been keeping up with Hide/XO since I was a senior in high school (four years ago). I even canceled plans with the my friends because I knew you posting that night. But I don't think I have ever cared more about fictional characters in my entire life. Harry and Avery were the most emotional, vulnerable, accepting, flawed, provocative, loving characters I have ever encountered and it's all because of your genius mind.Thanks again for sharing them with us❤️

I've been here through it all Bee. The only thing I can think to say after reading what is probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read, is thank you. I don't remember the last time I've cried while reading a story, but I promise I ugly cried from beginning to end. You are so, so talented. We didn't deserve this kindness, this kindness of you sharing your works with us, but I'm so thankful you did. We loved Harry and Avery and we LOVE YOU. So thank you Bee. Thank you thank you thank you

Hii so I've never written in before but I just felt like I absolutely had to pop in and thank you. If you'd told me when I started this fic that four years later I'd still be checking into your tumblr daily to see if I would get another small window into Harry and Averys life I would have told you to fuck off and yet here I am. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this story and for creating a love story and characters so realistic I feel as if I actually know them. Xx

oh my god i was literally ugly crying while reading it bee you broke my fucking heart it was so beautiful

I saw that preview and knew. I just fucking knew. It's 11:41 pst and I am bawling my eyes out!! I have been with you and this story for years and to see it end is so so heartbreaking. But GOD Harry and Avery's is so beautiful and pure. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this with us. I'm still crying and I'll probably be crying for a long time.

Oh my goodness 😭😭 my mother is a breast cancer survivor. We got so lucky with her process and reading how it could have gone for us was surreal. I was in tears the entire time. Your writing is beautiful, I have fallen in love with Avery and Harry and they have taught me so much. I read your Hide posts the moment they used to come out on Friday nights and XO has never disappointed. Thank you Bee. I know it wasn't always easy for you but I appreciate every post. I will miss this story so much!

To be honest I had to take breaks in between the reading because wow ! I cried and got emotional and I absolutely love the way you wrote this one

That was literally the most depressing thing I've ever read in my entire life, damn you and your amazing writing omg

This is undoubtedly the most beautiful love story ever written. Thank you for giving us all this wonderful gift, even if I haven't stopped crying since I began reading this last part. A million times thank you.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I have a certain attachment to Hide and that was a beautiful way of finishing it off. Well done, Bee. Thank you

I am here in the dark BAWLING MY EYES OUT!! 😭😭😭 Girl, I haven't cried this much since the first time I saw the notebook. I loved Hide so much. It's so much more than just fanfiction tbh. This was amazing writing, thank you so much.

I have no words other then thank you for the gift you have given me. This story touched me in so many ways that I can't even explain to you but it is hands down the best damn fic I read in my life ( and trust me it's already a long one). Heartbroking ending, went back to Hide at least 5 times in the past year and a half and will be going back to many more. Except I might not go to the ending again. Amazing. Wish you the best in life

You've put us through one hell of a ride with XO/Hide and its been fucking incredible, to say the least. I've never cried more reading a story before. Harry and Avery are forever immortal in my eyes and i'll reread their love story for as long as I possibly can. This story has changed me as a person and I can't thank you enough. Although i'm incredibly sad it has come to an end ill always love it. Havery's story means the world to me and bless you for being the creative writing legend you are xo

Hide/XO (really the entirety of "Death by Styles") has literally meant the world to me these past few years. It's what I read and re read over and over again when I've needed an escape and what's kept me believing in love and fate and happiness. It may sound silly, me talking about this story like i've got some sort of attachment to it, but I do and i've loved every second of it. I've cried, laughed, and loved because of this story and I thank you for that Bee. Thank you. XO

I aspire to write a story as well as Hide/XO one day. I've read a lot of romance novels, Hide is by far my favorite. I had a feeling when you posted the warning for us to get tissues that the ending would be that way. I cried from start to finish. It was heart breaking, beautiful, and amazing. Thank you for writing such a beautiful love story. I'm glad I was able to be "here for it all." Xx

That was heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much for always making me feel with your writing.

its taken me 2 hours and 15 minutes to read that chapter. oh my god. i have never cried so much, ever. thank you for making hide, it truly is the best fanfic EVER. you are a beautiful writer. that chapter was amazing, but it was emotionally traumatising and i don't think i will ever be over it. i have been reading hide for years, so thank you for sticking with it and making it beautiful from start to end♡♡♡

Thats a chaptet that im never going to be able to re-read, but it was a beautiful, heartaching and overwhelming end to this amazing world that you created with Avery and Harry. Its been 40 minutes that i read it and im still tearing up thinking about it. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing love with us and, though it was a bitter sweet goodbye, it was filled with everything that made Avery and Harry. Its been a pleasure Bee.

I have no words except thank you. Thank you for writing a beautiful story and thank you for giving it a beautiful ending (even if it did rip my heart out). I cried so much that I had to stop at some points so I could wipe my eyes to read. You are a very talented writer and I am so thankful that you shared your gift.

Just wanted to thank you for writing Hide. I've been here from the beginning and I've absolutely loved it. I cried and cried during the last chapter, I feel a real loss. But it's been lovely and you're a fantastic writer. Thank you for sharing your gift with us <3

I followed you when you had just finished up CDB. Have been here with hide since the beginning. I think I started following in high school. I'm finishing up college soon! It's been a wild ride. So dope of you to share this story with us.

I cried the entire time reading this chapter. Even the smutty scenes. HOLY SHIT. Bravo!

Jesus, that was possibly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Part of me is so mad that this is their end. Like, they were meant to have it all. I was crying through the whole piece bc I knew that not only was this the end of Avery and Harry but it was THE END of Avery and Harry. I'm just so sad for them. It was a brilliant piece of writing and I can only imagine how you felt writing it. I shall miss them very much. Thank you for giving them to us ❤️

I am heartbroken absolutely heartbroken. I am actually crying. You are phenomenal your writing is literally making me cry. I have been following you since you started writing Hide and I've loved watching you grow as a person through it and I feel I've grown up through the time this fic was written and became an adult. So it's really interesting to read this as an adult when I first started reading this as a teenager. Wow a complete round of applause to you. You wrote Harry and Avery so perfectly

I've been reading your story for 2 years already? When I found out you had a dry run I tried my best to send you positive messages. You not updating was never an issue then I saw your note that you're finally ending Harry and Avery's story and I don't know what to feel, but one thing is for sure I want to say thank you for everything. All the emotions you've made us feel as your readers I'll always love your stories! I'll even name my daughter Avery! Here for it all? Always. Thank you.

Your the only writer I've come across where you write Harry as I see Harry and it makes your stories that much more better, believable and relatable. I hope you work through your writing dilemmas because your talent shouldn't go to waste.

I just wanted to say I love your writing, and you are so talented. I had a really tough school year and between a lot of school work and friend troubles and it was really rough. Your writing has always been such a bright spot and a great distraction. I hope you feel better and know that so many people (who've never even met you) love you and care about you. Sending hugs from Boston❤️❤️❤️.

The entire time I was reading Hide, I could help but think "Harry would definitely do that" or "That is such a Harry thing". Even though I don't personally know Harry, your Harry in Hide reminds me of real Harry more than other fanfics I have read. He is goofy, carefree, sweet and an all around good person with his sarcasm and dry sense of humour. Well done. I supposed this comes from observing him for 7 year.

I would just like to say how much I love your writing and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I loved reading harry and averys beautiful story. And although it's fictional I feel as if I truly know them and I'm proud of how far they've come. It's bittersweet that their story is coming to an end as well as your time writing fanfiction. I hope in the future you continue to write, even if just for yourself, because you truly have a gift and your characters have such depth My friend and I came across your fics a few years ago and truly fell in love with your stories. We actually started telling each other "here for it all" and it became a special saying that had a deep love and meaning behind. My friend actually got it as tattoo. I'm not as daring but those words,your words, mean a lot as well as your stories. It has been an honor and privilege to read your writing. All the best to you. Excited for the last bit of havery's story. Here for it all ❤️

You are 1D of a fanfiction. Your work is the best fanfic I have read hands down. With all due respect to other amazing writers on here, you are in a completely different category. Your story about harry and avery feels real and raw and every single time I read it( and trust me I read it over and over again), it's like getting to know them and their story all over again. It's a perfection for me as a reader. So thank you

It's so bittersweet because I followed Hide since the beginning when you still had your old blog. I absolutely loved the new shot and the entire XO Series. Although I'll miss Harry & Avery, you've more than done their story justice. You should be really proud Bee! I know you've had ups and downs with this fandom but thank you for finishing Hide and thank you for everything else xxx

I never have the right words to express how your writing makes me feel. I can't even tell you the exact number of times I read Hide series. The warmth, the kindness, the rawness and realness in your writing is beyond words. I don't even know ATM if those are real words. You render me spachless and for that I thank you. This is supposed to be just a fanfic but you made it into something real and very touching. Cheers love and once again thank you for sharing your amazing writing

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say since finishing Hide. The problem is, words can’t explain what you’ve done. My mom passed away from breast cancer when she was 44. Far too young to have experienced that, while all of Hide has been incredible. The way you chose to end their story was fantastic. It was real. The way harry was written in the last part reminded me so fully of my dad and how he felt after losing his wife and having to raise kids on his own, a life he loved but did not expect. You did Avery and Harry so much justice and the way I feel about this story and how you’ve written it is inexplicable. Thank you. And you better publish something some day, the world deserves to see you’re writing. I hope you had fun last night (I was there too!) it was incredible. God bless that beautiful boy and his ability to bring out the best in people. Keep doin you, Bee! Xo

I just wanted to tell you how much the story you have created means to me. I have been in love with the idea of Avery and Harry for such a long time, I can't even remember for how long. I loved coming to your tumblr to see new chapter, I loved that you have showed me that true love can really exist, I loved everything about it. It isn't just a fanfiction about Harry, it's an amazing story that can easly be published and I'm sure it would have been a bestseller. I don't remember how I found your tumblr, but I can't describe how happy it made me. As I'm writing this I'm sobbing uncontrollably. The last shot was just too much. It felt like I was really saying goodbye to Avery. It was a sad, but a perfect ending to an amazing story, that I probably would re-read 100 times more. Thank you for creating Hide, Thank you for everything.

I am crying so much. I can't, it was beautiful. I didn't expect it but it just made me want a love like theirs, I know it's fiction but that's the love you made them have, is/was gorgeous. You did amazing with this story 👏🏻

Thank you so much for sharing Harry's and Avery's story. I'm in tears while typing this message. I almost couldn't finish because that would mean the end. It's been more and more difficult to find stories and books that I can be 100% invested in. Your story has made me feel every emotion under the sun and I can't thank you enough for this experience. Everything was beautifully written from start to finish. I've been following your blog for quite some time now and know you've struggled writing their story so thank you again for not giving up on them and yourself. You really are a fantastic writer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello! I've been a long time ghost reader but I just finished the last installment of Harry and Avery. I just...it's been a while since I've cried from a story. The whole story has taken me on such a roller coaster but I loved every second of it. Being able to be apart of their development and growth, both individually and together, has been a privilege. The way you write them is incredible and I'm in such awe of you. There aren't enough words to describe how in love I am with Hide, XO, and the last 4 seasons (if I'm missing any installments i'm sorry). Your other stories...oh don't even get me started on your shorter fics cause I won't shut up about em!

I have never sobbed harder in my lifeI really want to hate you. I want to hate you so badly. But this was amazing and perfect and incredible. I'm wholly heartbroken.

I haven't stopped crying and this is all your fault haha I'm a sophomore in college and I first started reading this my sophomore year of high school. Some of my friends know of this story. You won't believe me if I say this but I always felt like Avery would die young...? She lived too much and so fast. She had this larger than life love and this grand and luxurious life and compared to how her life was before it's a huge contrast. She lived a life that is very respectful as well. I'm just sad because the way you ended this hurts a lot. I guess deep down I knew it wasn't going to be a fairly tale ending for these two but that is what you gave them and I respect you for it. I wonder if you cried as well during this because This must have been a very emotional journey for you. Thank you once again for sharing this with us. My favorite love story will be these two. Warm hugs and kisses to you dear

Not going to lie, I was upset at first when I read you were killing off Avery because I love her so. But, it was perfect. I'm still ugly crying. Thank you! I don't think I can say it enough. I may need to go and read it again for the 12th time. And that's not exaggeration. Love these two and this story!

Hey Bee! Just wanted to say thank you for Hide and XO. I discovered your writing at a not so great time in my life. And for a long time, it was what I looked forward to every week. Harry and Avery hold a special place in my heart. It might sound weird, but I sometimes think of naming my nonexistent daughter Avery cause the name reminds me of good times. I've never cried so much during a fanfic as I did the last part of XO. It was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for writing it. I know it wasn't always easy, and I appreciate every word you put into it. Thank you.

jesus christ i sobbed the entire way through that ending, it was a beautiful story and a perfect way to complete something you worked so hard on. thanks for sharing such a wonderful story 😊

wowowow I have never cried so much while reading a fic. the entire series has been incredibly amazing and beautifully written. thank you so so much for continuing the story through all these years and every up and down. here for it all💜💜

#hide fic #xo:series #havery #feedback

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dawnajaynes32 · 6 years

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The Ever-Expanding Digital and Web Comic Landscape

Comic books have come a long way since the days of sitting in metal racks located in grocery stores and newsstands. Today, you can read comics from any of the big publishers, such as Dark Horse, DC, Fantagraphics, Image, or Marvel, and you can also read comic books made by the creators themselves—and some publish independently. Not only are comics available in printed form, but they’re also available digitally. Printed, on the web, or on an app? Where do you start? If you have a hard time choosing what to read and where to read it, you’re not alone, because the choices are limitless. With print and web and digital options, we now have so many comic books. (Perhaps too many.) I asked some comic book fans how they feel about digital and/or web comics, and one big take away seems to be that it’s less a matter of Where to start? and more about Where does it end?

Rich Barrett

There’s a distinction between digital comics and web comics which I think of as two different things. Digital is defined by the platform that they’re delivered on (apps like comiXology or even digital reader formats like PDFs) and web is simply a comic that is read on a website. Digital comics often work as print comics as well. A lot of the comics you can buy on comiXology are comics that are also available in print but the experience of reading them digitally can be very different either through the Guided View technology that is offered or just the differences between reading the art on the screen vs. the printed page. Webcomics, a.k.a. web comics, are really a completely different form, usually not adhering as closely to a print-friendly page size of page count although many of them do eventually get collected that way if they’re popular. Both have been game-changing for independent cartoonists and self-publishers although digital comics have offered more monetary opportunities for the creators.

That said, I tend to prefer digital comics over webcomics because I find the format of reading discrete volumes or issues at once at my own leisure easier than trying to keep up with the shorter, sporadic updates that many webcomics are hindered by (and I say this as someone who used to publish a webcomic a page at a time on a completely erratic schedule). I buy comics from comiXology and also subscribe to their comiXology Unlimited service where I can check out their comiXology Originals series which are kind of hit and miss.

Image courtesy of DC Universe.

I also subscribe to Marvel Unlimited which I’m a big fan of and may sign up for DC Universe when that launches. I use Hoopla through my public library which lets me read 6 graphic novels a month for free and there are a TON of great choices to read there. I occasionally will buy an independent digital comic directly from a creator’s website or sometimes I support a Kickstarter and just get the digital PDF copy of their book.

I wish that I could keep up with more webcomics because that is usually where you can discover some unique voices and up and coming talent. The entire comics industry has been influenced tremendously by webcomics over the past decade or so and if you want to see some future trends in comic storytelling, you’ll probably find them now on the web. I’ve recently been trying to follow some cartoonists that are publishing comics via Instagram which is pretty interesting. There is a lot of unique experimentation with digital formats out there, but I admit I don’t have as much time as I once did to keep up with it all.

Rich Barrett is a writer and illustrator.

Brandon Wilson

I can remember buying my earliest comics in 1981. I’d have been 10 then. Batman. She-Hulk. Spider-Woman. I still have those. I collected comics for most of the 1980s, drifting more towards Marvel and away from DC (although I remained a very loyal Batman reader). In terms of Marvel I read a little of everything but I definitely was attracted to the X-Men, the various spinoffs and the overarching Mutant Saga.

I then started reading Dark Horse Comics in the late 80s. Hard Boiled, Aliens vs Predator, Terminator. By the early 90s I was a college student and my comics consumption dried up. I didn’t come back until after the dawn of the MCU in 2008. I bought comics the old-fashioned way, going back to the comic book shop I went to in the old days. The faces behind the counter were new but I developed a rapport with them and my brief commune with them turned my second wave of comic book reading into a fairly regular thing.

Then the shop got sold and those guys disappeared. It was around this time that I decided to take the plunge and go digital since the social aspect of buying comics had been disrupted. I’d always been skeptical of reading on a tablet, and I love the feel of a book. But with comics, digital is the way to go. My middle-aged eyes truly appreciate the guided mode that zooms in on individual frames. Such a superior way to experience a story in this format. I downloaded four reader apps: Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, and Image. The majority of what I’ve purchased and downloaded is Marvel but I read Bitch Planet and Monstress for a time as well.

Digital also eliminates the need for storage which my wife is utterly delighted about.

The big change in how I read comics now is I follow writers more than characters. Mark Waid, Ta-Nahesi Coates, Gary Phillips, Kelly DeConnick are people I will read almost sight unseen. I’ve slowed down my purchasing now to one book a month. Comic books are very cyclical, you read with interest for a while and then the interest wanes. Eventually you come back and the characters are new and yet pleasantly familiar.

Brandon Wilson is a filmmaker & educator and co-director of SEPULVEDA.

Ling Chou

I find webcomics through the artists I follow on Twitter or Tumblr. A few of them host them on comic sites and some have their own domains. On Twitter, I follow @theyoungdoyler’s comic Knights-Errant. I read it on Sparkler Monthly. I enjoy the world building and societal constructs especially. It’s well researched and compelling!

Images courtesy of Jennifer Doyle.

On Tumblr, I follow this comic called Starward Lovers. I love the graphic style of this comic, it lends itself well to the action scenes. I think the thing that drew me in most was the pacing of the story telling. I’d always wanted to know what happened next.

I also read Black Sheep by @lirthel. The designs and world building are completely fantastical and unique. Additionally, the character acting/relationships are stellar! It’s a slice of life immersed in a fantasy world done exactly right.

One negative for me though about webcomics is that I personally find it hard to keep up with them consistently. This is mostly due to the way I keep up with them through Twitter/Tumblr update posts but also because they generally update one page at a time (at least the ones I read.) I’m someone that likes to binge whatever media I’m consuming and I end up having to reread a few pages, if not the entire chapter, before I’m able to remember all of the events.

Despite that, I try to return to them because I enjoy the storylines and character relationships because I think web comics tend to have more interesting characters/plots and take more risks. I also have a lot of respect for the artists, who write and draw and post them consistently (for free too!).

If available, I would definitely buy a physical copy of the comic as well. I try to support my favorite comics if Kickstarter campaigns are started, such as Knights-Errant. In the end I do enjoy reading comics in the physical form but I have nothing against reading them online.

Ling Chou is an illustrator who shares “sketches and stuff” on Instagram.

Michael Dooley

“90% of everything is crap” has become a lowball figure now that we have to factor in web comics.

There’s a reason that Charles Schulz never yielded control of his Peanuts: only he could position his kids’ eyes and render their mouth line just so for maximum emotional effect. No one else could come near the subtlety of his drawing skills. Like Fred Astaire, he worked hard his whole career to make the extremely difficult appear effortless. So from an art appreciation standpoint, I have no tolerance for copy-and-paste dinosaurs.

But there have been glorious exceptions, artists with the brilliance and skills to make the web aesthetic work. I’d credit David Rees, the first breakthrough talent. His classic, post-9/11 Get Your War On used generic clip art in the exact way it was designed for: endless online repetition. And it was perfectly suited to deliver his subversive political messages in a way that would make any hard-core Situationist proud.

And there have been other landmark web-toonists with enough creative flair to master and advance the medium in marvelously unique ways. I’d put two at the top of my personal pantheon. One, Kate Beaton. Her lusciously illustrated Hark, a Vagrant was always a delectably witty treat for the eye and the mind. And Emily Horne. Her poignant photo-comic A Softer World, written by Joey Comeau, provided hauntingly beautiful, thrice weekly, zen moments.

All three of the above web comics series are either archived online or preserved in book form, but they’re gone from the net. So here I sit in my rocker, laptop in my lap, yelling at all these tediously unimaginative, visually incompetent young whipperbloggers to keep off my monitor.

Okay, seriously: I never miss Tom Gauld, the meta-Kate Beaton, on Tumblr.

And when I interviewed Peter Kuper for Print online about the digital versions of his recent books, he had a two-part answer. He told me that he felt obligated to explore the medium, “since it’s clear that this is a direction books are headed.” But he also said, “It is really striking to see the pages illuminated this way, but not worth the loss of the tactile experience of a print book.” I agree with his first answer, and take strong issue with the second.

Images courtesy of Peter Kuper.

If you’re not a hard-core print person, you need only to look at his Diario de Oaxaca on an electronic device to be awestruck by how the vividness and luminosity enlivens and enhances the artwork and the colors. This is what I consider to be an excellent example of an illuminated manuscript for the 21st-century—as someone who considers stained glass windows depicting the Stations of the Cross in churches and cathedrals to be “visual narratives,” a.k.a., comics, with roots in medieval times. There’s also Digital Comic Museum and Comic Book Plus. These are online repositories of what seem to me like innumerable public domain comic strips and books. As an historian, they’re a treasured resource. And as a hard-core comics person with an insatiable appetite, and a limited budget, they’re, well… priceless.

Michael Dooley is creative director of Michael Dooley Design and teaches History of Design, Comics, and Animation at Art Center College of Design and Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles. He is also a Print contributing editor and author.

Contributor testimonials were edited from a series of electronic interviews.

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