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donnerpartyofone · 5 years

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sometime last september i had a bad cold with an ear infection. a bunch of fluid built up in my ear and never went away. i saw a doctor who suggested it would just disappear on its own, but that it could take three or four months. i took some antibiotics then, which didn’t help. he didn’t seem to consider it a problem. after a couple of months i came back, same deal. he gave me some anti-inflammatory nasal spray and some ear drops, which didn’t help. then i found a new gp and described the problem to her. she stuck her ear thing in my ear, wagged it around, and then just turned around and never discussed it with me in any way.

incidentally, i was seeing that second doctor because i was convinced i was dying from lung cancer. my mother was suddenly diagnosed with stage four lung cancer when she was my age and given a couple of months to live. (she surprised everybody by living for three or four years, which in my estimation was a lot worse than if she had just died right away) i found a gp who specialized in lung disease and explained that i have consistently restricted breathing in one lung that does not fluctuate in any way, and has been going on for a long time. well, my chest x-rays came back clear and i don’t have any other symptoms, so she just put me on some asthma inhalers. i had bad asthma as a kid, and this unceasing one-sided shortness of breath doesn’t resemble that in any way, but my doctor didn’t seem to give a shit about figuring out what was wrong with me as long as the inhalers seemed to be managing the symptoms. i felt like a theme was emerging when i told her about my ear, and she seemed to just look for whatever specific thing she would consider a problem, and when she didn’t see it, she just changed the subject.

so, naturally, i found a new gp. i went because my scripts for my inhalers were running out, and i didn’t want go back to the other doctor to get them renewed. mercifully (i guess although i’m really not dying to keep seeing more and more doctors), my new doctor is sending me for fresh x-rays and referring me to a pulmonologist. i also told her about my ear, and she checked me out and saw all this fluid behind my eardrum. she said this is very common, and might be there “forever”. it could be because of my naturally humongous tonsils, which is a pretty disgusting thing to hear about myself for some reason, or it could be allergy inflammation that’s contributing to the blockage. so the main thing i have to do is stop trying to pop my ear, which i want to do every second of every minute that i’m conscious, because it’s clearly, painfully wearing down my jaw. also, now i get to add an allergy pill to the 23 (24 depending on what’s going on) pills i need to take every day to manage other stuff.

the “other stuff” is mostly one condition, which is that my system processes copper so poorly that the buildup of this psychoactive metal in my system makes me chronically depressed, anxious, fearful and angry. nutrient therapy is a lot better than being hooked on opiodes...i think? but the number of things i have to take to avoid that is exhausting, and means that i spend an hour or two a day feeling like i’m going to throw up while i digest everything, which isn’t exactly a mood booster.

anyway, my new gp has also referred me to an ENT, which appointment can’t happen soon enough because sometime around 3am yesterday, i developed a loud ringing in the affected ear that will not go away, and by all accounts, might never go away. this is not the first time this week that i was told one of my senses will be permanently impaired for no particularly good reason. a few years ago, i had to have surgery and localized chemotherapy to remove some pathological scar tissue growing across my corneas. it hasn’t come back (although it might), probably thanks in part to the chemo, but now i have a buildup of surgical scar tissue on one eye that is causing glare and spots, and according to my cornea specialist, that’s just the new normal. the few treatments options are considered high risk for little reward, i guess.

depression has a way of casting you as a problematic person in the public eye: someone who is oversensitive, looking for attention, being negative, and refusing to deal with their problems in a mature way (because according to people who don’t really have problems, all problems go away if you just adjust your bad attitude). now, i hate going to the doctor because my experience of autism makes me cry and panic like i’ve been raped if anyone touches me without my specific emotional invitation. also, it’s very hard for me to think of any experience i’ve ever had with a doctor where something was explained to me satisfyingly, or where i got treatment that really worked--as opposed to me just coming out the other end, terrorized and humiliated, sitting there in a puddle of my own various fear fluids thinking, “wait a minute, WHY THE FUCK did i let them do all that random shit to me??” to wit: a couple of years where i submitted myself to a doctor to have core samples regularly, painfully, frighteningly drilled out of my cervix because of some abnormal test results. whatever’s going on COULD be precancerous, i was told. well, what else “could” it be, i asked? they just shrugged, and one day they told me they weren’t seeing the abnormality anymore and they didn’t have to keep mutilating me. so...i could have just been sitting on the couch this whole time? why did i do this, when i don’t even have any particular faith in treatment anyway? but, i keep doing to the doctor(s), because i’ve had it drilled into my head that it’s the “responsible” thing to do, and it will prove to the world that i’m a “positive” person who tries to find “mature” solutions to my problems. that makes it extra frustrating when nothing comes of it, other than the damning confirmation that nothing about me is really working that well, and it’s not going to.

of course, on top of the fact that my problems are not really manageable in any substantial way, there’s the added psychological pressure that comes from people not seeing your problems as problems. exactly one half of my face is affected by rosacea, making it extra obvious that something is wrong with me. having tried everything else that is supposed to manage my symptoms--including two different treatments that are “magic bullets” for 99% of sufferers, both of which made me react so badly that i looked like i’d been attacked by wasps--i decided to take the plunge on my last option, an extremely expensive battery of painful and kind of scary laser treatments. i had the last one this month. i’m not seeing any difference at all, and in fact i’m not sure it didn’t make things worse. no insurance really covers treatment for rosacea because it’s considered a cosmetic problem, even though it results in broken blood vessels and progressive thickening of the skin that anybody would consider a medical problem if they saw it in action. i can already see what’s going on in the mirror, and trying not to notice is not an option.

i realize, as i’m sure many people will be quick to tell me, that i’m actually very lucky. i do not have any “real problems”. i’m performing the basic life problems of a human being just fine. but i have to say, just to stick up for myself, that there is something really special about just having a collection of unrelated problems that just amount to, like, a bunch of bullshit. i have friends who have had, or currently have, really major life challenges--horrifying circumstances or conditions with which they have had to wage a heroic battle. of course i don’t envy them, but at the risk of sounding really incredibly petty, at least they made some kind of sense. the dragon arrives at your door, and it’s cancer, or hiv, or a neurological disorder, or a flesh-and-bone-eating disease; you don your armor and fight the good fight, or prepare to die with dignity, or in the worst case scenario, you just regular-die, but everybody totally understands it as a tragedy. there’s some kind of logic to it all, even if it’s completely unfair and arbitrary in the outing. it’s different when you just have a bunch of bullshit, none of which anybody thinks is a problem individually, and there’s no reason for it. your eye is just kind of shitty and your skin is just kind of shitty and your lung is just kind of shitty and your ear is just kind of shitty and your ovaries are just kind of shitty and your mental health is just kind of shitty (for chronic physiological reasons). so therefore, looking at things is just kind of shitty and having people look at you is just kind of shitty and hearing things is just kind of shitty and really, just being awake and alive is just kind of shitty. and there’s no narrative here, it’s not you versus your virus or you versus your mutating cells or something. it’s just you versus the fact that you’re just, like, kind of a fucking lemon. if your body were a car, you’d get rid of it, and just take the bus from now on. or stop going anywhere altogether.

when i’m not fighting off a violent reaction to my mounting collection of bullshit problems, i’m usually trying to find some meaning to my life. it’s hard to do. i’m not brilliantly intelligent or talented in any way that would make my career into the point of my life. i’m also not going to start a family (which would be a huge challenge for me anyway because of problems with my reproductive system), so that’s out. because of my anhedonia, i can’t really live for pleasure either--a fact which is surely compacted by the way that all of my individual parts seem committed to making any and all sensory input at least sort-of annoying, if not infuriating and claustrophobia-inducing. when it’s just me and my depression, i often think, “god, i really wish i could just achieve something in this life, then all this agonizing would be worth it.” i usually wind up reaffirming that i’m just an ordinary person, i’m not even very good at my hobbies or very knowledgable about my passions, there’s no chance that doing something special with my time on earth is going to save me. but then, of course, there’s my shitty, shitty, shitty physical condition. the only thing i really ever accomplish is preventing myself from screaming.

i realize that many people might want to frame stopping yourself from screaming as an accomplishment in and of itself. when you’re really challenged in life, you have to remember your context. like, one guy might be climbing the corporate ladder, and he has to face the challenge of competition and seizing opportunities and stuff; but when you’re, say, me, not-screaming can be a legitimately equivalent effort that you should be proud of winning at. both my best shrink and my worst shrink have tried to warn me off of comparing myself to others--to noticing, constantly, that compared to pretty much everyone i know i’m really defective, and in fact i’m way behind my peers developmentally because i have to struggle so hard just to get through my fucking day without ruining anything or taking a break for pure suffering. part of the reason to avoid comparing yourself to others is what i was just getting at, that you want to have an authentic sense of your own suffering without using an irrelevant-to-you method of measurement. the other part of it is that you don’t want to delude yourself into thinking that you are the only person who suffers, or that your suffering is the most extreme. my first/worst shrink approached this in a pretty hilarious way: she suggested that maybe ALL of my friends have ALL the same problems as me, they just haven’t mentioned it. first of all, this just shows a real ignorance of how many great complainers i know. but secondly, it suggests a world in which my closest friends have stood by while scars grow over my eyeballs and half my face burns and swells and my ovaries constantly invite painful degrading examinations and threaten cancer and my lung never opens all the way and my ear rings deafeningly et at ad nauseam, and they just...don’t say anything to me. for some reason my dearest companions just don’t feel like offering me support or solidarity or advice from their supposed rich experience, or even venting their own frustrations to an ear they know for a fact is sympathetic, even if it doesn’t hear too well. it’s an extra bizarre idea that still makes me laugh, when i’m not screaming.

now i have to get ready for today’s doctor’s appointment, the fifth of what i think will turn out to be eight this month, not including psychiatric appointments. it’s not for my ear, but i’ll definitely be bringing that up again, because i think i need to add an anti-anxiety prescription to my armory of pills, because i don’t think i’m going to make it through this experience without altering my chemistry until i just don’t give a fuck about anything that happens to me. plus i need to find out if tinnitus is its own thing, or if it is definitely always a symptom of hearing loss (that is, a deteriorating ability to perceive sound, as opposed to an incredibly loud internal sound that you just naturally notice more than other external sounds that you are still technically capable of perceiving). a minute ago, my husband got up and started stalking around our tiny apartment suspiciously. i thought he must have seen a bug, but he’s looking for the source of a weird noise that must be coming from our large mac tower, a couple of feet away. i absolutely cannot hear it at all.

#long post

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overcomeshyness · 6 years

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5 Quick Tips to Reduce Anxiety and Quit Anxiousness

Like a beast from under the bed, stress and anxiety and/or stress and anxiety is taking the tranquil nighttime Zzzzzs of virtually 70 million Americans. Anxiety might also be sabotaging your confidence, transforming your belly right into knots, and affecting your general wellness. Learn how to squash the awkward effects of anxiety and anxiousness with these 5 pointers.

1. Keep in mind: This As Well Shall Pass

Laundry is piling up, the baby has a fever, and also your employer desired that report yesterday. Audio acquainted? Nobody managing his/her own life is without stress and anxiety as well as excessive of it can cause extreme worry, anxiety, fear, indigestion, or trouble breathing. The initial step to getting rid of such unfavorable sensations is to identify that you are experiencing a very common mood most generally identified as stress and anxiety (find out more indications of anxiousness). Although it's uneasy, the unfavorable sensations WILL CERTAINLY PASS. Fighting the anxiousness can make it stronger. Paradoxically, accepting that you are really feeling anxious aids trigger the body's natural leisure feedback.

2. Learn Ways To Self-Soothe

Picture strolling down a nature course only to be welcomed by a snarling grizzly bear-- or worse, your employer requiring that record. When we are faced with an anxiety-inducing circumstance, our body's sympathetic nerve system instantly sets off physiological modifications. Our breathing speeds up, adrenaline is produced, and also our heart starts to race. This natural survival device-- called the fight or trip response-- is meant to assist us to escape a real, life-threatening emergency. Nonetheless, when the hazard is pictured (e.g., I'm going to bomb this presentation and everyone will certainly recognize I'm a scams), the fight/flight feedback is unnecessary as well as very uncomfortable.

Self soothing techniques that reduce the stress feedback:

Diaphragmatic Breathing

One of one of the most effective ways to activate the leisure action is by decreasing the heart price. Considering that we cannot voluntarily change our pulse, even more substantial procedures are needed. The good news is, a rapid heart price can be reduced with deep breathing techniques. One of the most commonly utilized strategy is breathing by acquiring the diaphragm, a horizontal muscle in the breast located just above the tummy cavity. Visit this site to learn deep breathing strategies.

Favorable Self-talk

If a little kid informed you he was nervous concerning going to educate the following day, exactly what would certainly you state? Unless you're a violent , phrases like "you're such a foolish youngster" or "you ought to be nervous due to the fact that no person will certainly like you" would certainly never leave your mouth. This is due to the fact that we intuitively recognize ways to help others combat tension sometimes far better than ourselves. To boost emotional convenience, it's crucial to exercise encouraging and practical self-talk. When distressed, practice self-talk expressions such as:

" This feeling will pass."

" I will make it through this."

" I am risk-free right now."

" I am feeling distressed currently, however I have the power make myself relax."

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" I can feel my heart price reducing."

Muscle mass Relaxation

Stress and anxiety causes our muscle mass to tighten up and also end up being tense. To increase a relaxed state and physical comfort, tighten up and launch muscles starting with the biggest muscle team. See this video clip to learn dynamic muscular tissue relaxation exercises.

3. Check Your Diet regimen

Just what we drink and eat mostly influences our mood. Foods most related to intensifying anxiousness are ones containing caffeine and alcohol. Even eaten in small amounts, studies have actually found that the stimulating effects of caffeine can create anxiousness, trigger panic attacks, and also rise feelings of nervousness and irritation. Caffeine-- generally found in coffee, colas, tea, and also chocolate-- also causes physical symptoms such as trembling as well as shaking. Suddenly eliminating high levels of caffeine from the diet regimen could cause withdrawal symptoms, such as frustrations, uneasyness, as well as irritation so it is very important to lower high levels of caffeine usage progressively. In a similar way, although alcohol is commonly taken in to "alleviate" it dries out the body and also ultimately enhances anxiousness.

An imbalance of germs in the gut can likewise create many signs and symptoms related to anxiousness and also various other mood problems. Researchers at McMaster University found proof that the equilibrium of microorganisms in your digestive tract might have even more to do with your mood than any other adding variable.

4. Get Moving

Most of us know that exercise benefits our physical health. For the past couple of years, research has actually suggested that workout is much more effective than medication (find out more from this practical post from Huffington Message). Preserving a routine (healthy and balanced, non-obsessive) exercise routine has been shown to lower stress, improve state of mind, enhance self-confidence, and also boost energy degrees. Throughout workout, the body releases chemicals called endorphins which engage with receptors in the brain to creating blissful feelings as well as reduction in physical discomfort. Read 13 Mental Health Conveniences Of Exercise.

5. Obtain Much More Rest

Virtually every person feels a little crabby after a rough evening's sleep. Interfered with sleep is common in numerous emotional disorders as well as it's tough to know which started first-- stress or poor rest. A study from the College of Pennsylvania showed that shedding just a couple of hrs of sleep raises feelings of tension, temper, unhappiness, and fatigue.

#nervous #social anxiety #shyness #shy

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