#i’ve spent all day stressing myself sick over the absolute terror of someone not loving me. and then this. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kitthepurplepotato · 7 months

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hey love!!! it's me! i dont know if you remember me, but i've been liking, reposting, commenting and following the series 'my weird roomate boyfriend' and i absolutly adore your work and writing, and for a while now i haven't heard updates from you, not about the fanfic but about you, and i just remembered you and wanted to ask how are you. i've been a little worried, and we really dont know each other and there's no reason for you to trust me but i really just wanted to make sure if you're doing any better or just need someone to talk to, im here if you need a friend!

im sending you lots of hugs and sweets and lots of lots of good!

i will understand completly if you decide to not answer this, but im really just worried for my favourite author and would be more then happy if you could give me an update for how are you doing!

have a wonderfull day and a wonderfull week and please please please dont forget to drink, eat, and rest and remember to not overwork yourself!!! love, me!

Oh my god, of course I remember you, silly! I absolutely adore you 💜💜💜💜💜

Also, perfect timing because I wanted to post an update on my situation but I wasn’t sure how to start or if it’s even needed?

Thankfully, things are getting better now, I just got sick from all the stress and the constant meltdowns I’ve had almost every day (yes, I just had Covid 3 weeks ago yet here I am, sick again, love my life.)

/warning for everyone - mentions of death, depression, suicidal thoughts and other bad stuff, also, a lot of TMI/

I’m not going to lie, this was the hardest week of my life and I don’t say that lightly (I lost my father suddenly a year before, and my grandma died in a house fire just a few months back.)

I had a really hard time understanding that all these terrible things do not mean that I’m not good enough to live and they aren’t signs that I shouldn’t exist in this world. I felt like life’s trying to force me out of its territory by terrorizing me until I break down, taking everything I love and cherish and it all felt so unfair. I really thought I’m old enough to not go back to that terrible place I crawled out of when I was 17, but this “thing” was the last straw.

With that said, I want to thank you guys for all the kind words and also my best friend @porusuniverse who woke up at 2 fucking AM when she had to wake up at 5, just to keep me company after having the worst nightmare of my fucking life and also for the ridiculous amount of hours she had spent with me and kept me fucking alive while this thing got sorted. She is an absolute legend.

I’m not going to lie and say everything is 100% alright, but I’m getting there.

/TMI OVER/

I am slowly getting back into writing, I have half a chapter of the Izuku one and the Aizawa one is almost finished! Also have a half chapter of the Bakugou one. I wanted to finish at least one of them tomorrow but then I got sick, so we will see when I’ll be able to post any of them. I’m trying to concentrate on the Aizawa one now as there’s only one chapter left and then I can give the other two the attention they deserve, but I’m also trying not to FORCE myself to write but rather just do what I enjoy so will see which one wins, eyy!

I can’t wait to be back. Like honestly, I miss Tumblr, your comments and writing in general soooo sooo much 💜

See you soon and thank you for being so kind! I’ll definitely bug you the next time I manage to go down the rabbit hole but let’s hope I won’t because I don’t think I have the mental energy for another round 😂

Cheers, everyone! 🥦

Kit 💥

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panickinganakin · 4 years

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seven vs two

A/N: Here is chapter two! This is just reader learning more about the force and about what she’ll be doing. You can read chapter one here I think we are gonna call this fic Restoring Balance. I’ve also decided to upload to Wattpad. Yikes. Star Wars is taking over my life. Blah blah, I know I’ll shut up now.

warnings: Nothing extreme, just a bit of harsh language, reader passes out as well. angst and anger. internal violence nothing absolutely awful.

word count: 1692

chapter one

Your eyes fluttered opened, anxiety spiking when the white walls surrounding you replaced your blurry vision. You gripped the black sheets you were laying on, remembering where you were and what was happening.

The previous night was your first with Kylo. He taught the basic idea of the force; what it does, what it is and how to control the first steps. “Training will not be easy, it will be stressful and there will be many sleepless nights,” he told you the night before.

You rubbed your eyes, raising up. Kylo had been kind enough to prepare your own bed in a room close to his, still not trusting you, you deducted.

Your life was more than confusing now. Normally, at this time you would be sweeping living quarters and fluffing pillows. Now, you were on your way to becoming a Sith, as Kylo titled it.

“Change, and come to the outer room. We have even more to do today than yesterday.” His voice boomed, how did he know you were awake already?

“Yes, Commander,” you called not skipping a beat to his orders. After much consideration you thought have a semi-powerful position would be better than scrubbing a shitter.

When you made your way into the open area where you had spent many hours the previous night, he was already sitting in the floor, his legs crossed. It was strange, seeing the commander without his mask, but it was nice, you thought. Regretting it immediately, it was hard to remember the commander could read your thoughts.

“Master Ren,” he corrected. Shit, he did read your thoughts.

“W-what?” Your voice held the confusion that clouded your brain.

“You will call me Master Ren, because I’m training you in the force. Others call me commander.”

You nodded, sitting down in front of the man. All of it still felt like a fever dream. You found him to be a lot nicer than you remembered. Maybe it was because you could be an asset, not because he was nice.

“Don’t think me nice? I’m not. I’m a murderer. And you will be too. Now, shut your mind down or you won’t learn anything. We have to show Snoke that you have potential. I’m giving you an opportunity to advance above your station, if you prove me foolish I— will— terminate you.” His voice seemed confident and steady, you decided then that maybe he wasn’t nice.

Shut up, you told yourself.

“Now, to continue where we left off previously... You will feel pulls, the dark, the light, the balance.. Jedis only care about the light. They feel nothing, no love, anger, any emotions. They train you to be droids basically. The rebellion is childish and the resistance will be ended. You agree, Y/N?” His face was like stone, no emotion whatsoever was being given off.

“Of course, it’s all I’ve ever been taught.” You answered honestly. From a young age you’ve always had ‘Rebel Scum’ drilled into your skull.

“No, it’s not about what you learn. I learned to be a Jedi, I decided to do what was right- to leave. You will be faced with choices, your instinct will be to go with your heart. Always feel the anger within you.”

“Comman— Sorry, Master Ren, I don’t feel any anger.” You felt truthful saying this, you had nothing to be angry for. Your life was just that- the way it was.

“Don’t lie to me,” his jaw was clenched and he was becoming angry himself. “The First Order kidnapped you when you were a youngling, they killed your mother right before your eyes. You were placed on a ship, given absolutely no option to leave! You fold sheets for fucks sake and you aren’t angry? You’re foolish if you think you can sit here and lie to me!” He was up now, pacing around you.

You felt a wave emotions engulf you. You were angry, you had just suppressed it for so many years. You were also scared. Scared of the red blade that was crackling beside you as Kylo stabbed it into the ground.

You were on your feet, scrambling for the door. The control panel wasn’t showing any sign of life as you clawed at it. No one in and no one out his voice from yesterday’s altercation in the medic room pounced in your head. It was useless, you couldn’t get out and no one was coming to help you.

You turned around, fists clenched, “Don’t treat me like that!” You weren’t sure what had come over you, a hand flew to your mouth the moment you said it, instant regret.

“Then stop acting like everything you’ve had to live through doesn’t rage you to your deepest core!” He was shouting, why was he doing this? He was making you angry! It hit you, this was the point, he was pulling the rage out of you.

You would label yourself a calm person, normally, but as you stood here with this man screaming at you, your blood began to boil. You closed your eyes, seeing your mother’s soft blonde hair and blue eyes. You seen your life in the sand, when it was good, before they ruined it.

Your fists were tightened, the table in the center was shaking, you could hear it. “Yes! Focus!”

You were scared to open your eyes, but you wanted to see what happened. You looked over, the table was floating in the air, after a few seconds it dropped. Not long after you felt body tighten as if it were a rubber band being wound, then as if someone let the band go, you fell to the ground.

You felt as if you were floating, no, you were floating. The stars were surrounding you, images of passing TIE fighters and various other spacecrafts. As you laid there, floating in the galaxy, you seen a man. He had long wavy hair, it was a blond dishwater color. A scar trailing down his face. “Fight back, don’t give in!” He shouted.

You gasped, raising up quickly. Kylo’s hand pushing your head back down to his leg. He had you propped up on his thigh, holding a towel to your head. “That will get easier, controlling it. You won’t pass out anymore.”

You shoved his arm away you and scuttled to the side, “Why did you do that?” You pulled you legs to your chest, fearing the sob that was threatening your throat. “Why would say those things? What did I do?”

“I told you, you have to feel your anger. You lied and said you felt nothing, I simply aided you. This isn’t a pity party, it’s the First Order. Get up, and try again.” Kylo ordered.

You looked up at him, his mouth was twitching, he looked irritated. You felt bad for shoving him away, he was after all, being kind of enough to soothe her. “I-I’m Sorry, thank you- for helping.”

“Stop. Get up, the last emotion you should be reaching for is peace. You won’t find companionship here,” he was on his feet, straightening up the table.

He left the room, coming back immediately holding stones. He placed them evenly on the table, “Try again, up.” He ordered once more.

You stood, rubbing your forearm. “Yes, Master Ren.”

Many hours passed by with you floating rocks and tables, Kylo yelling and you passing out once more. Your body felt drained, you had never been this tired before. You were changing into a dress robe for sleeping that was placed here the night before. “Dinner,” Kylo said entering the room.

You jumped back, clutching your chest. “Don’t sneak up on me.”

A grin crept on Kylo’s face but left as quickly as it came. “Join me? In the main quarters?”

You nodded and watched as he left. You finished pulling on the dress and sighed. 48 hours ago you were in the cafeteria, eating with other maids and now— Kylo Ren had requested you for dinner. Things were, very odd.

“Eat,” he ordered pointing at one of the plates on the table. The meals looked fine enough, regular cafeteria food. Rolls, meats and veggies.

“Yes, Master Ren,” you sat in front of the table, reaching for the utensils.

“What are you feeling?” He asked, stuffing food into his mouth.

“Can’t you read my thoughts?” You laughed lightly then looked down, deciding he was more than likely not the joking type. “I feel- uh- weird? It still feels like most of this is fake. I passed out in a medic room, woke up in our Commanders personal quarts and now I’m moving rocks with my mind. Not to mention in two days I leave to meet the Supreme Leader, me, a First Order shit bowl scrubber.”

He chuckled, a real laugh this time, “I thought you folded bed sheets?”

You suddenly felt at ease, as if maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. “Don’t you know, Master Ren? I’m a master myself, of many things. I can fold sheets, dress pillows, sweep the floors, scrub the toilets and, I even clean the showers. What do you do again? Fly ships and weild a light saber? Looks like I have five skills compared to your two? Oh, six if I count the floating rocks.” You laughed taking a sip of the water at the table.

“Seven if you count passing out,” he added, his expression flat again.

You coughed awkwardly, feeling as if you pushed your limits to soon. “Forgive me, Master Ren.”

“You’re funny, that’s eight, I won’t allow you to have more skills than that, your training ends now. You’re dismissed.” You looked at his stone face in terror, was he serious? The thoughts of sweeping living quarters again made you feel sick. “Nine, you lack the ability to see a lie- a joke.” He grinned again.

“Touché. But, I think that technically revokes my eighth skill of being funny.”

He tilted his head, pondering your words. “Seven skills it is.”

The rest of the meal was silent, but not the uncomfortable silence that had been there before. You stood up, taking your plate to a trash bin. “Goodnight, Master Ren,” you called turning for your new bed.

He nodded you away but stopped you before you reached the door, “Master Ren is a lot to say, we need to save on time. Just call me Kylo, unless we are in front of Snoke,” he added at the end.

You nodded, suppressing a smile, finally leaving the room.

You found sleep quickly, dreaming of the blonde man who approached you when you lost consciousness. “Fight back, don’t give in!”

chapter three

#kylo ren #kylo #kylo x reader #kylo fanfic #Star Wars au #kylo au #star wars #Star Wars fic #writing

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years

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Survey #249

“every wall that i knock down is just a wall that i’ll replace.”

Has anyone done anything nice for you today? Nothing in particular. The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? We visited our mom in the hospital. Fun. Have you ever been so lonely, you cried? Oh, plenty of times. Have you ever given homeless people money? No, not that I've ever really had money to give. Do you usually bring or buy a lunch for school? I absolutely never buy from the cafe, I'll tell you that much. The price is fucking ridiculous; it's a standard number regardless of how little or how much you eat. Fucking $8 or so for a goddamn hot dog or something. I always either pack something or Mom and I drive over to McDonald's. Does it bug you when you want something done, and it doesn’t get done? Ugh, yes. Have you ever tried so hard to save up for something, but it was too hard? I don’t think so, no. I've rarely been in a position where I'm saving up for something because I rarely have any money on me. The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? Hell if I remember. What was the last pill you took? One of my morning meds for my mood. If you were to have sex right now, would you use a condom? Yes. What’s your sexuality? Have you ever questioned it? How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever? I'm bi, though I grew up believing I was straight. I became definitely sure in '17. Do you fit in at work or in school? I don't care enough to think about this. Were you ever a fan of macaroni & cheese? Do you like Kraft dinner? BITCH yes that's my shit. Is there a laundry basket in your room? If yes, what color is it? Not currently, but all of ours are white. Have you ever read a book all the way through in one day? Not like, a big book. What would you do if you found out your last ex is engaged? Be very confused. Do you get along with your significant other’s family? N/A, but for anyone I've ever been with where I knew the family, we got along fine. Have you ever gone horseback riding? Where? Not really, just at like, fairs. Have you ever cried at a real wedding? Yes, but it was due to PTSD more than anything else. Who was the last person to be on a bed with you? Well I sat with Mom on her hospital bed. What were you afraid of the most when you were a kid? Thunderstorms or being separated from Mom. Depends on the age. Do you know how it feels to be cheated on? No. Do you have feelings for someone right now? How strong are those feelings? And does that person have feelings for you, too? Yes; "controlled" is the best way to put it ig; and idk. Who’s the last person that told you they loved you? My mom. Where was your Facebook default picture taken? The living room. What’s your brother(s)/sister(s) names? Misty, Katie, Bobby, Ashley, and Nicole. Do you like to cuddle? Yeah, if I like and am comfortable with that person. Are you currently reading a book? Yeah, amazingly. What’s on your mind? Way too goddamn much. Does any part on your body hurt? Not right now. Do you have nightmares a lot? I have nightmares/terrors on an almost nightly basis (I wish I was exaggerating) by now and it's fucking old. Who was the last person you texted? Sara. Think a lot before you fall asleep? It consistently takes me at least 20+ minutes to go to sleep because my brain doesn't shut up. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed? MY CAT Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? Probaby like Wal-Mart. It's just a tank top. Last people you went to the mall with? Uhhhhh my mom and my sister I think. Are there any stressful situations in your life? Mom's cancer diagnosis is going to be my end in the stress department. Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? Depends on where I am/who else is present. Where did you get your last bruise/cut from? Roman was playing a bit too rough with my hand. Did you cry at all today? No. Who was the last person you hugged? Mom. What is the last gift someone got you? A gift card to either Dairy Queen or Sonic, can't remember which. Is anyone on your bad side right now? No. Did you have a dream last night? A nightmare where I woke up crying/screaming that I physically couldn't kill myself for some reason I don't remember. And I remember Jesus was in there somewhere. Bro idk but it made my throat hurt like a bitch. Ready for kids? NOOOOOOOOOO and I assure you I never will be. What’s one thing you do when you’re mad? Cry, easily. Do you like where you live? No, fuck this house. Like, we *need* to move. How often do you lose your voice? Extremely rarely. I have to be sick as hell. Are you a good babysitter? I don't think so. How’s your mood? Sad, pretty lifeless. Do you have a job? No. Ever thrown up in a car? No. Is anyone over protective over you? *Over*protective, no. Have you ever violated school dress code? In high school, apparently, because I got in trouble for a shirt once that I'd worn many many times before that never caused trouble until then. If you are listening to music, is the singer male/female? Male. What (if anything) do you give up for Lent? I don't take part in Lent. I did sometimes as a Catholic kid though, but it never lasted. When you feel like giving up, how do you convince yourself not to? Like, on life? It's always the belief that I have one shot at this and can't let a few bad passing moments decide to cut it short. What was the subject of the last list you made? Grocery list that Mom wanted my input on. Do you ever get nervous before interviews / important meetings? Oh hell yes I do. Who pays for the majority of your belongings? Hi, I'm Brittany, I'm 24, and my parents pay for absolutely everything because I'm one hell of an excuse for an adult. Would you ever willingly shop in a thrift store? Dude, I love thrift shops. You can find the coolest shit. What is the most that you would ever spend on an outfit? I don't have a clue. I don't shop and never have shopped for clothes nearly frequently enough to gauge here. Is there anything you do that just outrages your parents? Mom hates when I curse excessively when I'm seriously upset. When was the last time you were embarrassed in public? How the actual fuck am I blanking here. I'm always embarrassed. I can blink "wrong" and be humiliated. Have you ever won an award you were actually proud of? Yeah, a few. What is the coolest science experiment you’ve ever done? Well, it wasn't an "experiment" per se, but dissecting a frog in the 7th grade was dope. Are you experiencing difficulties with any friends right now? No. When you apologize to someone after a fight, how do you go about saying that you are sorry? By saying sorry??? Not trying to be a smart ass, just... say sorry. I do absolutely ensure I'm sincere and do all I can for me to come across as such, but yeah. Have you ever played around with “dry ice”? No. Do you think parents are responsible for the actions of their children? To a degree. When was the last time that you corrected someone? I don’t know. When was the last time you were corrected? ^ Is there any celebrity you like to “keep up with”? There's a couple. Celebrity gossip: YAY or BOO? Ugh. Now the gossip part with celebs, I just don't care. What is the most life-changing book you have read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Have you had a negative impact on anyone’s life? Probably. Has anyone had a negative impact on yours? Who/why? Yes, let's not linger on it. What does marriage mean to you, specifically? My feelings towards marriage have evolved semi-recently. It was once the "happily ever after" portion of a relationship, the goal to me, but now, it's really just a wise (to some, of course) financial option for a strong, stable, tested relationship that you intend to be permanent. Like, it's a piece of paper, congrats. I'll admit my mind still somewhat sees it as a desirable milestone, but I know that's simply the works of societal conditioning. How will you know when you are ready to get married? I don't know. This actually brings to my attention that I've pondered if I'll ever *confidently* know after Jason. I really don't know. How much time have you spent contemplating your own death? I mean, not a hell of a lot, but I'm sure more than the normal person. Is there a joke that you just can’t stand? I really hate any joke that's rooted in discrimination, or is just purely hateful. Have you ever read any self-help books? No, though I've contemplated them a bit. What is something you used to love, but now greatly dislike? Country music, oh boy. What is something you used to dislike, but now like? Hmmm. Lol first thing that comes to mind is mashed potatoes, I guess. Thanks, Sara's Mom. When (if) you become a parent, what will you do differently, compared to how your parents raised you? I'm never going to be a parent. Do you equate spanking with physical abuse? Would you spank a child? I can't say I exactly equate them, no, but I absolutely disagree with it. You do not teach children through fear and pain. If your bf/gf wanted to wait until marriage for sex, would you be willing? Yeah. Is there someone you wish you could trust/you wish was trustworthy? Yes. Is there anyone that you no longer want in you life? Who/why? No one that plays a big role in my life, no. At least not off the top of my head. How has your outlook on life changed in the past few years? I've strayed further from my fairy-tale outlook of it every year for the past few. Some can call it a much more negative view, but it's realism, baby. It doesn't depress me, even though I'm sure some may see it as such. I'm more accepting to fact and less preoccupied with "it'd be nice if..."s, things like that. Have you ever walked out of a boring movie (in theaters)? No. How open are you with people you know online? Depends on the person and location something is being shared. If a celebrity is involved in scandal after scandal, is that likely to affect how you view him/her & his/her work? Of course. What is one celebrity that you have zero respect for? Man, I don't pay enough attention to this or know all "the facts" or whatever. What is one fashion trend that you hope makes a comeback? It's the Rawring 20s motherfuckers LOOK the scene style is fucking adorable let's bring that shit BACK. What is one that you wish would just die out already? Idc. Have you ever driven under the influence of alcohol/drugs? Hell no. Are you overly attached to your material possessions? Some. Have you ever ridiculed anyone for their clothing choices? I'm sure I have when I was younger, but never aloud, I'd hope. Now, I seriously don't care what you wear. Living in poverty: what do you think it’d be like? I literally am riding on the poverty line and shit's bad enough, so I don't care to find out what it's like any lower. What is one “diet” that you think is just utterly worthless? The keto diet used to seriously appeal to me, but now I totally don't get it. You're GOING to gain weight back as you switch to a regular diet again. Not just that though, keto is extremely unhealthy to the body. It's tempting because yes, it has drastic results, but it's an awful choice. What advice would you give someone that is uncomfortable with his or her body/appearance? Oh hunny me too so don't ask me. What advice would you give someone about to start high school? Don't put too much weight on the people you're involved with. Don't let your world revolve around them. "They're" right when they say half those people won't mean shit later. What foreign food are you NOT interested in trying? Honestly? I'm not educated enough on cuisines to know. I have no clue what most entail. What foreign country do you believe is misunderstood? "I’m sure they all are." <<<< Do you understand/read Shakespeare? We read some stuff in school, and for the most part, I understood it. It's not something I'd go out of my way to read now. Would you feel more comfortable living with someone that owned a gun? I don't know for sure, but actually, probably no, BUT that's only because I don't trust my impulsive ass with her suicidal history. Otherwise, I'd feel safer with a gun. Have you ever had a make-over? Not a serious one. What’s the longest time you’ve stayed out of the country? Where? I've never left the country. Name one thing you’re grateful for today. My mom being here. What is your favorite high school memory? Long bus rides home with Jason. What is the most insane thing you’ve done to/for your crush that (s)he might not/might know about? Take a plane multiple times by myself and endure airports when my muscle atrophy was at its worse probably, lmao. Name three teachers you liked in high school. Coach Collie, Mrs. Cruz, Mrs. Williams... man, I could go on for a long time. I had great teachers. Who is your best friend? Sara. What’s your favorite song right now? Probably "Hunting Grounds" by In This Moment ft. Joe Cotela. Write a line from any song. My favorite lyric from the song that's playing right now is "I fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again" bc some part of me feels that shit. Do you know at least one Disney song by heart? Which one? Oh, I'm sure there's a lot, "The Circle of Life" to name just one. All TLK ones really, lol. Would you rather be a hobbit, an elf, or a dwarf? E L F What are the first five things you would splurge on if you were a billionaire? Help Mom monetarily, and then like... I'd have to fight from blowing ALL of it on tattoos lmao. Do you blow dry your hair or do you let it air out? I just let it dry naturally after using a towel. Do you blush when you receive compliments? I think so. Depends, though. Candles or incense? Incenseeeeee. Can you juggle? No. Reason behind the last time you laughed until you cried? I don't remember. Are you one who brags a lot? No. Something you love to eat or drink at the fair? I don't know any typical "fair foods" I actually like. Your favorite vegetable? Broccoli. Are you confrontational? I'm the polar opposite. I will do anything to avoid confrontation. Have you ever caught yourself talking in your sleep? That's another nightly thing now. Do you catch lizards? No, leave wild animals be. Do you like pretzels? Yeah, preferably soft ones.

#survey #quiz #questions

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stubbornattempt · 5 years

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I'm filled with the most still and gentle peace. That's what you do to me. I spent all day laying in bed fantasizing about scenarios where we are able to be together. I had to because I was feeling such depression and sadness over you and the only way to feel better was to imagine something else. A taste of happiness. It was a really good day. I had the first wholesome orgasm I've had since that night in the motel. I couldn't cum for I guess over a year after that. I don't think I even tried. I didn't feel sexual desire and it made me feel sick to see pictures or videos of people hugging or kissing or having sex. I didn't think I would ever even date anybody again until 6 months ago. I've mostly been thinking about fucked up stuff when I cum. Nothing emotional. Today I thought about making love to you and all of the emotions that entails. It's the most right thing in the world. You make me a better person. I'm still unclear if its a yes or a hard no, and if it's a no I'm not going to be able to get through life indulging in my feelings for you that way all the time. I think it would make it too difficult to move on. I don't want to have sex with anybody other than you. But I figure if you don't want to be alone and you want to be in a relationship you've gotta do it. I don't hate having sex with Steve. In fact he's probably the best guy I've actually slept with. He's good at oral sex. So I'm not really complaining. Just being honest, it feels like a chore. I'm reasonably comfortable with him, but I would be more comfortable than I've ever been in my life with you. You draw out the real me that I can't manifest by myself. I'm trapped inside myself and you're the only person who has ever reached me. Please, tell me if I'm ever going to see you again? I really need to know. Have someone send me a snail mail if you have to. If you tell me no I will take it like a man. There are innumerable things I don't know the answer to but I'm only asking you to let me know one thing. I miss you so much and it's really hard but at least the pain means that I still feel you. If we're never to meet again I'm going to cling to the pain like its my only child and I'm going to drag it with me everywhere I go. I'll lose my heart if I lose you. I'm going to keep you alive in me no matter how much it hurts. I've seen what I might become if I don't. I want you to be safe but please also try to give me as much as you can. I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it. I'm really broken. I'm better than I was and will probably keep getting better but the progress is very slow and while I'm trying to get better my life is slipping by. I'm trying to care but its difficult. I feel used up and obsolete. My mind skips around in the past a lot. Maybe if I can piece things together and make some sense of what happened to me then maybe I can move forward. But instead of greater clarity I find myself less and less certain of what was real. For a while I was grateful and relieved when I stopped experiencing messages because of how all-consuming and stressful that was. But I find myself wishing to be back in it. The excitement, the danger, the terror, the subtly and uncertainty. Making associations and having an entirely separate reality taking place simultaneously. Imagining having an audience. Imagining being somehow important. Having your heart stop when you think you've received bad news. Having a mental breakdown because you think you made a stupid mistake of monumental consequence. Wondering if you're a bad person for dragging every single person you know into the vortex. And the greatest thing of all, getting that message that feels like the arms of god holding you. All that time spent in my head wondering about the other players involved and trying to understand motivations. Making the best guesses as to what is going on based on extremely limited information. Wondering if each person you talk to is an avatar who has a message for you. Treating everyone and everything like a potential message and unraveling hard. Wondering who is orchestrating these things and why. Wondering if I'm really famous enough for all this to be going on. Wondering, wondering, wondering. I've lived an unrelatable life. I'm not like anybody else. At least back then I had a sense of connection to others who knew of my situation. Now that everything has been over for a while, there is no one to share with. I'm alone and obsessed with what I went through. It was insanity and torture, but it was many other things as well. Most of all it was unfathomably interesting. From start to finish. What do you do with your life after that? I paid for that experience with my flesh and blood. It belongs to me. It's mine. I just don't know what to do with it. I don't think I can make people understand and I haven't put a lot of effort into trying. It would be helpful to my mental health if I could have contact with people who knew what happened to me but I guess I'm like a virus that will infect anyone I touch and no one will go near me. I'm in a closed loop system. It's just me and my thoughts in here. I'm bothered that I'm so outwardly defeated, when secretly I've conquered and survived so much. Just like it doesn't matter that people won't see me as a man, it doesn't matter that they see me as a "failure." I don't live on the same plane as these people. It sucks to interact with them. It's not their fault obviously. Geez do I sound like I'm whining a lot? In fairness, I never get to vent. Sometimes I wonder why I can't do better than I'm doing. As the whole ordeal moves farther and farther into the past, I feel like its less and less of an excuse for the various ways I'm not doing great. Am I going to use what happened to me as an excuse to carte blanche be a total fuck up forever? How do I know if I'm dealing with trauma issues or if I'm just being lazy? Or sociopathic? Maybe I'm refusing to take any responsibility for my life when I have the power to do more? I don't know. I just started thinking about it recently. I don't think I'm in a good place yet to do too much, like school or whatever. I think I would have had serious adulting problems even if none of this had ever happened to me, so whatever I try to accomplish in life will be challenging and its in my best interest to keep things as simple as possible. I know, I'm totally rambling again, but this is like therapy for me! I'm talking to someone who actually understands and knows what I'm talking about. Thanks a million for listening. Knowing that you still care means everything to me. Literally everything. God, I like being sappy and telling you how much I love you. It's my absolute favorite thing to do. I would be surprised if anyone has ever loved anybody else as much as I love you. It's a love of abnormal magnitude and born of spectacular circumstances. It's like a super rare element that doesn't exist in nature but is man-made. I'm sure it would fascinate psychologists. But it's real and it lights the way in the dark for me. I let it go out for a time. I tried to forget you and put you out of my mind. I thought that's what I needed to do to protect myself. But it was like losing one of my senses. It was like being blind or deaf or not having the sensation of touch. Even though I think I knew that you did everything you could, I felt abandoned by you and I had to shut everything down. I listened to a lot of Code Orange. Then I came across the new Amen Dunes song "Believe" and that song broke through and helped me face my feelings for you. He said he wrote the song about mortality and his mother dying, and I've never felt that a song had greater depth. I listened to it so much, and you should too. It's amazing and it's my favorite song of all time. Now I feel like a leaf that's cracking through the pavement towards the sun, which is you. Whether we're together or not I'm growing towards you because its the only real nourishment I know and I need it. I hope its ok to message again. It really helps me to know you're there. And please let me know that thing I need to know. Thank you.

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