#i'm so excited to talk abt this more even if it's just ranting to myself in notes

[lotus-pear]

GOD I LOVE KNKDZ SM I wanna hold them and treasure them like literally they could be so precious they have so much potential and ik we have to wait a few more months but I'm sooo fuckin excited to see if they have a reunion if they don't I'll probs cry from stress or smth like even if someone doesn't ship it they're partners istg they are soo important and I hope we can see more of them in action cuz kunikida has been crying (canon) from stress and trying to bring shit together, like he was really working on gathering the members together again and like poor bby I feel so bad he needs a warm hug, also I feel like getting your hands cut off and your ideals crumbling in front of you was traumatic like he's ok now physically but I feel so bad and dazai is being fucking shot and falling of an elevator while defeating fyodor and walking it all of like ??? I need a sick fic with knkdz and the ada in general he deserves that and I hope so fucking sooo FUCKING much that they get a fuckin reunion like this is all I can talk and think abt now I keep repeating myself, I hope atsushi, dazai and kunikida get one bc I miss their trio so idk what is happening now that s5 is over and the Manga is catching up in a few months bc we saw that they're fighting again like oh fuck ngl I hope dazai gets hurt more so more sickfics or maybe Canon sickfics like in it actually fucking happens in the series but whatever in the end I want the ada to be safe again and destress a little bc oh my god this was their biggest fucking mission in their life and its been going on practically since the guild but whatever I have so so so so so so high hopes for the future and the rise of knkdz (I also ship skk but knkdz is my no. 1 and need way more of them) I hope knkdz will rise and conquer we have to get our fucking game up us knkdz advocates we have a DUTY anyways love ya ur so hot for that knkdz vs skk rant its fucking unfair pls pls pls pls post more knkdz I'm going feral its my last will to live I will kms if the Manga doesn't have them I will defenestrate asagiri I will find him trust me I fucking will anyways anywho anyfuckingway thank you for being a part of the knkdz cult we can soo win we just have to wait for asagiri and like OMG I just had SUCH a dopamine rush like I practically almost jumped bc IM SO EXCITED to see them YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH PLS PLS PLS ASAGIRI PLS DONT DO THIS TO ME I CAN HEAR THEM I CANNN HEAAAAAR THEM PLS PLS PLS DONT PUNISH ME I WANT MORE KNKDZ I WILL FUCKING COMBUST anyways ur so cool and ur art is fuckin awesome have a great day and new year hopefully full with happiness, success, change, and kunikidazai

REAL OMFG‼️‼️ bitches forget that kunikida has been partnered with dazai for two entire years, only one less year than dazai’s partnership w chuuya (before ur like noooo it was seven!!!!! that doesn’t count. chuuya and dazai met at fifteen and didn’t even get partnered that year. it was only during the events of stormbringer when mori realized the only counter to chuuyas corruption was dazai’s ability and he made them go on missions together like they did during the arahabaki incident and they became known as double black. dazai left the mafia when he was eighteen due to oda’s death)

anyway knkdz have also had to trust each other with their lives time and time again and kunikida values this trust more than anything, always relying on dazai even if dazai pisses him the fuck off. dazai says himself that the ada is home to him when talking abt it to sigma, AND WHAT IS HOME BUT A PLACE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND THOSE WHOM YOU LOVE DEARLY AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT

#asigiri please let them have a soft moment when the reunite…please😭 #ik they miss each other a lot even if they won’t admit it #dazai literally saying sigma is a substitute for kuni and then proceeding to ballroom dance and prank him just like he would in the ada #he wants his husband back so bad lmao #they should honestly makeout when they see each other again. it won’t even deter from canon #like it’ll be fully in character #lotus’s asks

[rollercoasterwords]

hi i would like to rant to u if thats okay because i saw ur rant u wrote like 6 days ago and it just kinda made me think so i hope u don't mind.

i love writing. i always have and when im writing i always get excited, except then i started posting on the internet. at first i got some attention which actually pushed me to write more and then i wrote this fanfic that blew up and got a lot of attention which dont get me wrong was GREAT like im proud of it, but it also changed my perception of writing

all of a sudden this silly little thing i wrote was now something people were talking about with their friends and reccomending and that was great but it made me feel different about my own work. it changed how i percieved writing, and more often than not i catch myself writing for them, not for me.

recently i started writing this fic that made me giggle and kick my feet while writing it. i wrote it SO fast because i could not get enough of it, and then i started publishing and it didn't get much attention. i've had other fics that didnt get attention before and it was like meh, but after the work i wrote that blew up, it felt like my fics NEEDED to become popular to be good, which is like,,, shit

and whenever i posted a chapter of my new fic or talked about it, i'd get comments on my fic asking about my popular one, if i'll make a second one ect.

it made me lose interest in my story because i'd gotton hooked on others approval and i didn't want to write something they weren't interested in, because then they wouldn't read it and it would all be for nothing.

i forgot the original reason i started writing. for me. and its been so hard to try and just get back into that headspace of writing for me and not others because of the attention i'd gotton from my previous stories.like how i felt now that i had a fair few followers i owed them stories THEY wanted to read.

i'm not sure how to get back into writing for myself, because i don't want to delete my works or stop posting, because i do enjoy it when people say nice things and help my motivation, but at the same time it also makes me feel like i have to write what they want and not what i want, because if i write it and they dont like it ive failed

anyway thats my little rant, i dont know if u even understand what im talking about but it was nice to get off my chest

thank you <3

no i feel u i can def relate 2 a lot of that experience! it can be a weird experience 2 have a fic go viral & it is definitely not always entirely positive. honestly think the only reason i've escaped a lot of the harassment + hate i've seen directed towards other people who have had fics go viral is that my fic that went viral was a rewrite of someone else's story, so most of the discourse remains centered around the original story + writer which honestly. feels like i managed 2 dodge a bullet lmao

but i can def relate 2 the sudden pressure of abruptly finding urself in a situation where tons of people are reading something u were just casually writing 4 fun, and suddenly feeling like u need 2 meet certain demands or live up 2 expectations. honestly feeling this pressure to keep up w those expectations led to some burnout 4 me last fall/winter, which is why i stopped posting for a few months. and like obviously i can't say what would be most helpful 4 u--that's something u kinda have 2 figure out 4 urself--but i do know that for myself + for some other writer friends who i've talked to, taking a break from posting can be really helpful in like...reframing ur mindset. i think getting some distance from the constant expectations + demands + feedback can help sort of clear the air and strips away both that pressure + that attention + sort of makes it easier 2 focus on writing just to write for urself. 4 me it helped me figure out that while i do love sharing my writing + getting nice comments + messages + talking 2 people abt it etc, that's just icing on the cake, and writing still brings me a lot of joy even without any attention. and once i was able to like...center that attitude + ground my writing in personal enjoyment rather than the online attention economy, it made me feel steadier abt coming back + posting again, and also helped get rid of some of the anxiety of meeting people's expectations, bc i realized that at the end of the day i genuinely don't really care if someone dislikes my story so much that they need to stop reading it; in fact, i think it's better for everyone involved if someone who feels like they're not getting what they want from my story goes and looks for what they want somewhere else! it's not a failure on my part to sufficiently like...entertain an audience or provide a product, because that's not what i'm trying to do in the first place, y'know? and i think that shift in mindset helped a lot, and continues to help when i start 2 feel that pressure again from posting my writing online. it's counterintuitive at first bc i think we're all sort of conditioned to think there's no point to making art unless you're making it for an audience, but once u realize that The Audience is not the be all end all of creating art, i think it makes the process of creation a lot more freeing + fun.

anyway hope u are able 2 navigate the weirdness that can come with sharing ur writing online + find a way 2 write that brings u the most joy!!

#ask

[todayisawthewhxlewxrld]

Someone anyone pls. My boyfriend has unfortunately had his phone broken so I haven't been talking with him, and I feel so lonely 😞 Also ALL OF MY FRIENDS LIVES ARE CRUMBLING APART?? My friend just broke up with her boyfriend, because of her mental health, but I suspect that it might be because of the boy she's been flirting with on the side. My other friends sibling is breaking up with their douche of a man, thank goodness. Two OTHER friends, who are literally bestfriend and have been for years, have been fighting eith eachother amd separating from our little group?? Also my dads been talking about death and I find myself looking at baby pictures of me and him with my grandma and great grandma, crying about thinkinf that I'm gonna be the only one alive in that picture some day. It also dawned on me that he's like the only person that I KNOW I'll have until we perish. We were watching mamma mia, and the whole time I kept thinking that I wished my mom loved me like Donna loved her daughter, and mentioned how I'd like to move into a little island or something. I guess my dad saw me holding back tears during the "slipping through my fingers" song, because he told me we could move to Alaska just he and I. (That's his dream place) PLEASE IM SOBBING THINKING ABT THE FACT HES NEVER BEEN.

Anyways, it made me think of my goal in life, and its to someday bring my dad to Alaska with me. Regardless if hes with me, just inside an urn. (I'm being so dead serious, I love my dad even if I went through some shit for most of my childhood. He's like the only person in my life who has stepped up, and made an actual change in his behavior for MY sake. It's admirable, and I've always been my fathers daughter. I'm just more proud to say it now after everything hes been through, and the changes hes gone through for my well being.)

I apologize about the rant, I fear that I've been holding that within me for so long. My friends don't really care about my personal life, and sometimes I'm glad that I keep it that way. ANYWAYS.

I realize that I haven't been in your asks, but I did follow through with that strike. Stayed off my phone unless it was to check about the updates for Palestine, and reposting. Didn't buy groceries, I even stopped going to classes for the time being. I'm sad to know that it's not getting any better, and I'm ashamed to say that my little town has very little businesses that DON'T support Israel. So I can't really avoid buying things from those places :(

Been keeping up with your writing though, for the most part. I'm very sad that it will come to an end, but I'm excited to see the ending. I'm ALSO EXCITED FOR INUMAKI 😻😻😻😻😻

Anyways, gonna go shower because I feel like a dirty corndog that was dropped at a fair. Wish me luck that I don't run out of warmish water, I always seem to do so because my hair is so hard to manage and I have like 10 different products that I have to put in it. (I'm being dramatic, I usually sit and let it do it's thing while I sing the weekend and deftones. 😞)

GOODNIGHT STAY WARM!!!!

Xoxo 👽

don’t wanna be mean but i’m glad ur bf broke his phone 😊 BUT JESUS WHY R ALL UR FRIENDS LIVES SIMULTANEOUSLY IN SHAMBLES ??? LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE ???😭😭 that’s crazy… hopefully the two that have been friends for years figure their stuff out…

mamma mia will get u… it always will… (i’ve never seen it) BUT HE SAID U COULD MOVE TO ALASKA JUST U N HIM STOP IM SOBBING OH MY GOD??? that sounds like a very good life goal bae!! i’m sure he’d love that whether he’s actually with u or in an urn like u said!! and i’m super glad you have him and that he stepped out to make a change in himself for u i love that for u bae :( DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THE RANT ITS OKAY I DONT MIND !!

u haven’t but it’s okay!! i know you’ll pop up eventually LMFAO and yay for following through with the strike!! i really hope a lot of other people did as well.

YAY SO GLAD YOUVE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH MY WRITING N ARE EXCITED BAE🤞🤞🤞

A DIRTY CORNDOG THAT WAS DROPPED AT A FAIR HELEOEMEME LMFOAOA ENJOY UR SHOWER!! (whats ur favorite the weekend and deftones song…)

#axel answers ☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★ #axel answers// 👽

[pashminalamb]

I am. I just. I cannot. BREAKING MIRRORS???? ADHKHHIJJDJHDHRHHHRHEH. Comfort? I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve read comfort on your blog 💀💀. Not that it’s a bad thing, the angst is exquisite, but like hurt/comfort is one of my favorite tropes. This was also exactly what I needed. I’ve been feeling really down abt my body lately how it’s too big and not proportioned right and how my face looks gross. Stuff like that you know? I was not expecting to be hit with this kind of comfort. It’s exactly what I needed so thank you so much for writing it.

Shirtless fictional characters are always a great motivation 😌. Oh speaking of which i might just hop on Pinterest and start looking for Izana fanart 👀👀. I WILL NEVER BE ANNOYED IF YOU START POSTING TR CONTENT ON YOUR BLOG WHETHER THEY BE FICS OR MANGA PANELS ILL TAKE THEM ALL. *ahem* Also. I went into the episode expecting to fall harder for Nagi. But no. I fell for Reo as soon as I saw him. THE HECK WHAT IS THIS SORCERY I DONT KNOW A SINGLE THING ABT HIM AND IM IN LOVE HES JUST AADGJKHFHHFRR YES. When you say you’re excited abt posting your angst wips my guard goes up immediately it’s not even funny anymore like pls I wanna say spare me but I also need more at the same time 😭💀. I read your post and I’m so excited for more Bachira and Chigiri content!!!! Bachira being my favorite character and all. And also Chigiri during the last episode shot an arrow into my heart. Even tho I had some reservations abt him before watching the episode its all good now. I have another pretty boy to love 🥰.

DUDE I NEED TO TALK ABT THE FIC CAUSE IM JUST ASTONISHED. Like Nagis was so so so sweet if made me go awww so many times. And Oliver made me giggle a lot it’s adorable. And Rins? Phew sir no need to mess with me like that 😮‍💨. I also really liked how you described all the negative thoughts of the reader. A lot of them are what I think abt myself when I’m not feeling the best so it was really relatable reading it. Thank you again I don’t think you know how much reading that meant to me it’s exactly what I needed seriously.

How are you btw? How’s uni? Also I’ve been meaning to ask but what’re some of your favorite things? Like in general? Shows and mangas and books and snacks etc? I always get on here ranting abt stuff but I wanna let you know that I wanna get to know you too. It’s a two way straight you know? Only if you’re comfortable sharing ofc. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and that you have a good day!! *sends virtual hugs*

- ✨ anon

Starry! ♡⸜(˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝ I hope yk i changed the screensaver of my phone to tr - I blame you for that (lovingly ♡)

This is gonna be a long ask ;

So i had this idea for a while and since I have a hub of angst works on my blog, I wanted to try a hand at comfort but with an angst to fluff (yeah i love that troupe as well) the reason I made this piece is cause of both, to indulge myself in writing comfort as well as to comfort people who are reading it and another element was capturing the realism of it... like. Usually when I read body positivity fics... the details of it are very vague. I wanted to put in something that was more descriptive, reasons why you hate that part of yourself- tiny details that do matter; and I ended up creating this. I was hesitant in posting this at first but then I reminded myself that it was for me and for a person on the other side of the screen who could be comforted by it when they couldn't really talk about these to someone or just in general.

And I'm glad it worked ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡ And I hope you feel better now

I plan on making more editions and going further, it might include more sensitive topics as well-

Istg. When i saw kunigami without a shirt *saves image*, and Rin *saves image*, Nagi *saves image* but I really wanna see Oliver

૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა

Oh god Izana fanart. I did find one on twitter and istg the amount I- reason for my laughter. (contemplating if i should make this my screensaver or not)

I have a tr content supporter!! I had an idea in mind for the tr boys in mind- and since i got hyped for it. I'm gonna start working on that once i read the manga cause i wanna make sure this fits in the character analysis as well. Rindou came to mind for some reason

Chigiri is pretty! I can't stress enough on how he looks good and I even figured the footballer he is based on- Reo is officially Nagi's caretaker; so mature.

Oml i'm making a reputation for myself with the angst i write... but there's the thing; for every angsty piece i write, i always make sure to put a sequel that is equally satisfying and comforting (in a weird way and not in the complete lovey dovey way) it takes time to make those because if I rush it, it doesn't end well with me being angry about the low quality I wrote and the readers being unsatisfied as well... but yeah I know what I wanna write for Bachira and Kaiser (yes. Kaiser is arriving on his royally spoilt ass on this blog)

Going back to the fic, so on how I write nagi I use a lot of the "..." cause I imagine him to be a timed pause speaker; as for Oliver. He is playful and yeah that made me giggle too. (its the 'cold cup of water' isn't it?) as for Rin go to horny jail *bonk* i couldn't imagine him to be the type to talk these kinds of problems out cause he is rude. and he knows it so he dommed his way through it (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) and i am not sorry.

So i know that my bio says 'part time model' but truth is; most of the content is based on my experience. like i mentioned before, the details of body positivity fics are very vague. But what I wanted to do was get down and dirty with it, expose everything and not keep it under wraps because it continues to be hidden yk? people can't openly talk about it when these kind of minor things do exist and they can cause a person's confidence to tarnish and maybe have other people think less of them. And I hoped that this would make someone's morning read when they're getting ready for college, uni, work etc. when they aren't feeling their best and need that kind of confidence... even if it is just from reading my works. and always, you're welcome !! it means a lot to me when my writing helps someone even in the smallest ways ♡꒰ᵕ༚ᵕ⑅꒱

i'm doing pretty well, working on some research papers and stuff, working out as well just having a slow and easy week and keeping everything in balance yk? Roomies are helping me with the weights at the gym- said i was a pussy if i didn't get another lift in. istg i'm gonna smack their ass with a wet towel this week

As for uni, new story. Another classmate of mine, lets call him victor, tall as a tree just walks up to me during recess the other day and goes 'that is one ugly shirt.' he looks like he hasn't even showered for a month and turned up to class wearing pajamas. fucking. pajamas. ugh. (I did tell him that if that's the way he flirts, I'm surprised his ex didn't break up with him sooner- i am not sorry. )

Some of my favorite things... hm. That's a tough one.

I like rainy days, dogs (i want a cerberus so badly- ⸝⸝⸝╸▵╺⸝⸝⸝; i'm good with cats but some of them like to scratch me for some reason?- childhood memory unlocked), pink shirts - i have a lot of them and my roomie steals them, warm blankets, swimming, basketball (i play), red roses, oceans, perfumes, plushies, bears and whales, music, working out, sketching, traveling, reading and just... talking to people.

Shows : I was watching skam (not the french one- the Norwegian one), normal people, extraordinary attorney woo young woo, dark (that. show.), sense8 is on my watchlist- i did watch a bit of it but never got to complete it, the tail of the nine tailed- i wanna finish it but it was stretched out and i didn't want to watch after a bit (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

My roomies are into k drama and they think anime is 'cartoon.' - when they see the budget used int he eps tho (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

Anime : there is a lot since I've been watching anime since i was 5, Zatchbell/ gashbell was my first and i watch it sometimes, sailormoon, bleach (never got completed), Jojo's bizarre adventure (watched it all the way to stone ocean- god. the joestar fam is so blessed, Lisalisa (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) , Tokyo rev (i was watching it with my mom and she got mad when I watched an ep without her), death note (my dad got invested with it and then dropped it- let me see if i can get him to watch bllk this christmas cause he is a football maniac), kaichou wa maid sama (my fav misaki is my idol), blue exorcist, hanayori no dango (this was used to make boys over flowers), kuroko no basuke, Kamisama Hajimemashita (my mom loves it -), Tomie, another, naruto, yamishibai, AOT ( my siblings just have debates about the whole conspiracy on the table and this time,,, I know its gonna be about tr) - there are a lot more animes so i might have to make a separate post abt that

Snacks : Since I'm part asian... ik you guys are (probably) gonna figure out a bit of my ethnicity cause of it Guava with chilli powder and salt. It tastes amazing and its healthy too; pears, apples. Pocky, pringles, coke (yeah i have an unhealthy side too) and meiji's yan yan a lot of chocolate.

Manga/ books : Blue lock (caught up with it), slam dunk, tomie, chainsawman, tokyo rev - i think i have some panels saved, black butler, bleach, your lie in april, skip beat, nana, don't bully me nagatoro - yeah i've read one too many manga (even that hentai one that released earlier this year) and I bought one- confidential confessions

Books : my fav is probably anne of green gables - read it when i was younger but it is still fresh in my memory, reading Sigmund Freud (interpretation of dreams...), memoirs of a geisha (a gift from my aunt), verity (something that kinda but doesn't haunt me), sherlock holmes and the hounds of the baskerville was my first novel, it was kinda a picture book.

It's a mess ik. but i mostly read non fic works as i grew older. And yeah it goes both ways! idm sharing !! ꒰ᐢ. ̫ .ᐢ꒱

Tell me about you! Only if you want to tho!

*sending back big hugs*

Presenting Bachira in a b day suit \(//∇//)\

#Belle.☏ #.lost sheep : ✨ anon

[koqabear]

i finished it a while ago and was excited about talking abt it with u but my wifi went out all of a sudden LMAO buttttttt anyways, it came back like super late and now im writing this at like midnight. i have so much to say but so little at the same time bcs im literally just shocked. like pure shock. that was SUCH a rollercoaster??? and since you're tagging these asks as spoilers,, im gonna say it. i did NOT expect oc to kill yeonjun. like it was in the back of my head like "maybe..." bcs it kept on being mentioned about how the jacket was heavy but i dismissed it UGH i should've seen that coming.

and beomgyu literally abt to kill oc, with no sign of hesitation (chills)? APPLAUSE. i've read so many yandere fics and so much romanticize that sickness .. then characterize it as dark romance. ofcourse i get that has its own fans but i do appreciate ones that are more on the realistic side with these psychos (ik this more of a psychological thriller too so ig it was a given for that to be the direction, but still THANK YOU). like hes insane enough and therefore hes capable of killing oc bcs he doesnt see her as a human being at all. so again, I really appreciate that aspect </3

then yeonjun. yeonjun and his fake moral compass. he was trying so hard to hold onto that humanity that he thought he had, and he kept on believing he was superior to others (especially beomgyu in the fic) and it was just...conveyed so well? that final breakthrough at the end when oc tells him hes no better than gyu, and he just...breaks? like he's telling himself hes not, while also trying to kill oc...just like gyu. The ascends to madness was so properly conveyed in that last scene, even though its been implied throughout the whole story that he basically has some sort of inner conflict and lost his moral compass wayyyy earlier. the last part really hit it in the nail, which is just so right for an ending scene.

the last part i want to touch on was the way you utilized oc's pov in the stalker part of the story. its the way i knew beomgyu and yeonjun were the ones literally hiding cameras in her room and have sick fantasies of wanting to own her, yet even with that background knowledge i still suspected soobin. and i still trusted beomjun. MAYBE IT WAS JUST ME??? but idk bro, i was so mad at myself when i pieced everything together the same time oc did. i seriously need to watch out, being gullible will be the death of me T-T but even me being super gullible aside, i think your writing is what really made me doubt soobin the way oc did.. i for sure thought we had another yandere on the loose LMAO.

okay now last last part I PROMISSEEE. i just really like the way you wrote how yeonjun/beomgyu broke her down then used her vulnerability to their advantage. its so sick but its such an easy trap to fall into. like obviously this is fiction and therefore it might be more on the extreme side but the tactics they used are just found literally in everyday abusive relationships and i especially liked how you touched upon the fact that extreme dependency can truly be the downfall of someone. and vulnerability, vulnerability was such a big part of the story!!

so, just last comment towards you. i know you worked hard on it and i wrote this entire essay basically to just emphasize that it paid off. i'm 100% sure you're proud of the work and i truly want you to be PROUDER. this was really, really, really good. i sat down, and read through the entire thing without feeling bored, always on the edge of my seat, enjoying your professional but almost casual way of using words (its literally genius the way you write), and truly this was such a perfect halloween post. thank you for writing, seriously. i honestly wish youd get a few bucks out of this (and im more than willing to give a couple IM BEING FRL) </3

one question since this is basically not an actual ask and me just ranting about how much i love your work: do you think you'll pursue writing professionally? have you thought about it? have you taken classes ? i wanna knowwwww

I’ll address a lot of specific points below, thank you so much! <3

(killing off Yeonjun) -It’s sick, but killing yj off was my favorite part! I knew immediately that this story would be dark, and what better way to end off such an intense scene than giving yj what he deserves? I really hope I was able to catch you guys off guard with that, but I made sure to subtly lead up to it with the jacket thing!!  (Beomgyu + thoughts on the term “yandere”)

-THANK YOU! Lemme just say, thriller holds such a special place in my heart, and making Beomgyu a fucked up character just allowed me to sneak in that action packed scene at the end haha

I was afraid of writing this story initially— the term “yandere” has taken on many different connotations and meanings, some more romanticized than others. My intent was never to paint such a relationship in a happy or cute light— even if they did have their little honeymoon stage where all was “right”, it’s still a toxic and horrible relationship; it’s always bound to fall apart in the end. Plus, Beomgyu and Yeonjun just became so insatiable that simply having her there was never enough— they needed to control her too. 

(Yeonjun + what if mc didn’t put on bg’s jacket?)

-Yeonjun was able to get away with being the better of the two throughout the whole story— so to hear that he wasn’t above everyone else like he so desperately believed, and from the mc no less— it felt like all his efforts were tumbling down, that no matter how hard he tried, it would never be good enough— which was a struggle he had to deal with all his life— it just completely broke the last bit of rationality that he had within him. 

Had the mc not put on bg’s jacket, Yeonjun would’ve killed her, then killed himself shortly after—they would only be discovered weeks later after their families reported them missing, a gruesome scene that would’ve destroyed all their relatives; Soobin’s body would’ve been found soon after, judging by the fact that the evidence is still in the cabin and intact. 

(Soobin the decoy lmao)

-God I feel so proud that I was able to fool some people at least! Soobin’s persisting affection was a key to making it all convincing— those passing comments, all the coddling and endless attempts to woo her, beomjun saw that and used it to their benefit. 

(Use of vulnerability)

-From the start, the mc was already a pretty vulnerable character; she was already away from home with no one else but Yeonjun— which only made her lean into him more and trust him. And because Beomgyu was quick to pick up on that, he knew that the only way to get her more dependent on them was to make her more vulnerable, with her last resort being them; of course, it’s a very drastic depiction, but thank you for noticing <333

(Plans for the future!)

-Thank you so so much :(((( this really means a lot to me, you have no idea. 

I have indeed decided to pursue writing professionally! It’s kind of scary to say, (write) but I hope to be able to succeed and publish books one day <3 it’s ambitious, but you never know!

Thank you sooo so much for this review, thank you for taking your time to write this, you have no idea how much this means to me— seriously, I couldn’t stop rereading all of the reviews i received <3

#OYD: !spoilers! #The way you picked up on details #and described the characters #I could fall in love with you #koqabear asks #fic: only you darling. #[♡]— feedback !

[randomositycat]

Artist/animator brain telling me to pick apart each episode for subtle differences in comparison to the show as a whole

What seems like it could be on model and what feels like it was pushing boundaries to developing a semi-new style for the anime

Rant under cut bc hi I do this a lot in my head,, and I could go through each episode and pick them apart but I've got e 17 on the brain so we'll stick with that for now and maybe I'll check out the older ones later

I only bring it up now bc,, well I didn't want to before

In e 17 (since it's the one freshest in my brain) the art differences I notice are purely in the chibi style, and minorly in the closer shots of characters

This shot specifically feels like it belongs to a different show! But still suuper super cute all the same!

And we go back to something more fitting with the other similar style shots from previous episodes! Not to say that it's all and all the same style every time, but again the differences are subtle and you have to look very closely to even say "huh, that's a bit different!"

I also noticed that usually they don't skip out of drawing fingernails? which sure most animes dont but it feels different here? If that makes sense,,

They really upped their detail game compared to other episodes! all the little things that pain me to even think about doing as an animator! The work put into some of these shots is super impressive! They even shaded the fake mole?? Come on!! The idea of doing what they've down with these shots makes me tired,, kudos to the artists for having the nerve

The fingernails stand out the most to me bc there is so much detail in them!

From the cuticle to the beautiful lighting and shading when she was applying make up to his face (I don't have a gift sorryyy 😣)

And we already know the eyes are beautiful, but my favorite attention to detail is Jinshi's eyes. Maomao never fails to comment on his beauty, and artistically it shows as much, emphasizing it to no end really, but he's so subtly feminine that I find myself studying his eyes quite a bit! His long eyelashes really draw you in...

You can see they dulled it down a little, for his Jinka disguise, but even then he's got such gentle eyes that could easily be mistaken for a woman's if he were to hide his face :) (looking at you Hunting arc, missed a chance! I'll tell you!)

Maomao's expressions in this episode really take the cake too LOL

There's no shortage of good maomao faces, especially not here >:)

As each new episode releases I'm just soooo enamored with how steady the improvement is! Artists finding their rhythm with the characters and sprinkling little things here and there that can go unnoticed but definitely enhance a shot! It's amazing!

And it brings me to talk about e4 which yes I agree is gorgeous animated, but im someone who prefers consistency rather than quality in my animated shows

(quality is good yes but to go from very fluid to standard fluid is jarring to say in the least)

I adore the fluidity in e4, obsessed with it. I was under the impression that an entirely different director + team was in charge (I wasn't wrong abt the director)

My favorite bits have to be the expressions,

And how each movement feels less like a show and more like a movie, like we got a spontaneous budget increase for this episode alone!

Lip syncing too, REALLY on point! I love angry Maomao and I'm a sucker for lip syncing any time!! When she was scolding Lihua's lady in waiting, the animators really hit every keyframe on the nose! (generally makes e4 dub a bit of a hassle for me to watch) I rewatch the sequence again and again because of how well done it is :) a spectacular moment indeed

Another episode with really fluid moments is episode 10, I think 🤔 when she confronts Lady Lishu about Fengming. The entire scene is wonderfully done, with Lishu's expressions and her ladies-in-waiting being excited to talk to Jinshi :) all things I gladly pay attention to

All in all the show has a gorgeous art direction 😊 I hope they continue to enhance it little by little with subtle things like everything i mentioned above

Makes an artist's heart flutter thinking about the dedication and care put into its production

#im just talking about art styles #and the visuals in knh #cant help myself #animation makes neuron activate #its a ramble really #coherency is not my specialty!!

[i-luvsang]

hi love, i just wanted to check in to see how you're doing :)! (i hope you don't mind being called pet names? 😭 i figured you like them since you also use them, if you don't please let me know!! i'd never want to make you uncomfortable)

i was also wondering what inspires you to write? i've been trying to write myself since i come up with a lot of ideas and i'd love to create something myself, but for some reason i just get stuck at the very beginning... like i even tried just doing bullet points to not be so hard on myself but sometimes i have a hard time figuring out specifics? like for example i'd have a member and trope, possibly dynamic between the member and reader but have a hard time with scenarios you know? like for example how they meet, or little specific things like the progression in the relationship idk? i just keep procrastinating saying i'll do it later knowing i definitely won't, but whenever i try focussing on it my head just goes blank? and idk it kinda makes me upset and feel like it's impossible for me to ever actually write despite wanting too. that's it...

sorry for the long rant abt my inability to write lol. also wishing you the best for uni!! i hope you get to have a fun experience despite that uni sounds very stressful.. i'm sure you'll do well, good luck!! — 🎧

eEEK HELLO BELOVED !! i’m totally cool with pet names, hbu ?? it’s lovely to hear from youuuu. sorry it’s taken me a bit to reply but i have been oh so busy and only here for three days😵‍💫 LOL. but thank you for your well wishes!! i’m excited :)) (also you know i never mind a long rant !!! my response is even longer lmao)

as for writing advice !! as far as inspo goes, it’s a little hard for me to pinpoint specifics since depends a lot on each individual fic + i feel like i don’t have a set process. but i definitely understand your struggle!! every writer works in different ways but hopefully i can help at least a little bit!

my advice would be to focus on what you do have ideas for like those dynamics or tropes. there’s lots of different ways you can do that! i’ll try to give examples in terms of the grumpy!seonghwa x shy!sunshine!reader that you inspired me to write!! (ik it’s in headcanon format but this process can help with plot building for any type of fic i think!)

so i started off with just that trope and the cute idea that hwa is soft for the reader. so i started thinking of an image that would fit this seonghwa. how exactly is he “grumpy”? is he mean, more cold, or does he just not like talking to new people? it helps to be asking yourself questions to guide your own thinking! then i asked similar questions about reader’s characteristics! this light character planning guided me to the conclusion that these sort of characters and their dynamic would fit a college setting! and this then led me to different plot points like their first meeting. i asked questions like “what’s a situation that could display their dynamic that’s to come later in the fic that fits the college setting?”

i was having trouble coming up with something myself so i searched through college!au prompt lists and found the scenario of getting stuck outside of your dorm lol. prompt lists can be super duper helpful when you’re struggling to find a scenario (at least for me)! and i think that a lot of the time, finding just one or two plot details/scenarios to put your characters helps to let the rest flow! honestly i think candy bar part was also inspired by a prompt list! and another nice thing about prompt lists—you can change it or build new ideas off of it in any way that you want! dialogue prompts can also be a great starting point to start a creative flow! these can be from prompt lists you find, or a dialogue you’ve come up with yourself in relation to your characters! don’t worry about scenario or dialogue prompts being chronological either!! if you have inspo for any point in your story, run with it! it often helps in the long run!

other ways to stay focused on the ideas you already have are to create pinterest boards/moodboards/any time of visual representation or playlists that are inspired by your base ideas! i’ve really been enjoying these two with my wips rn. it’s fun and they help as a creative outlet for when you’re struggling to actually write or come up with new ideas while still being focused on the wip you have in mind! plus you can come back to them throughout the writing process to gain more inspiration or to keep expanding as you write!

and another lovely resource is other writers! anyone i know (and ofc me) are very willing to help fellow writers think of ideas, be a sounding board, help develop plots or make decisions! it’s a great time to collaborate and get help from/help other writers :)) so i hope this helps!! and let me know if you want any more help with anything like brainstorming for specific fics or any other general advice!! i should be less busy starting tomorrow <33

#［ my darlings %. #［ ​messages %. #［ 🎧 anon %. #writing advice

[uth0ttm]

lADS EXCITING NEWS

maybe,,,,

IM NOT DEAD CACKLING SM-

AND OH MAN

THERES A LOT 2 TELL YALL ABT WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE TIME THAT I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE

SOME SPICY THINGS HAPPEN IN THIS STORY BUT NOT SUS SPICY, SO ILL PUT TWS FOR WHEN SAID THINGS APPLY

ALSO THERES A TLDR AT THE BOTTOM FOR YALL WHO STILL WANNA KNOW THE STORY BUT DONT WANNA READ SM

So like,,,

Awhile ago now, literal months has passed by since I've been on here but, I had deleted Tumblr bc it was just taking up way 2 much space on my phone and I wasn't using it much, which is understandable yk. Get rid of the things you dont use often for space. So I did

Well in the whole process of that shit happened

Biggest shit I never thought would've happened in HIGH SCHOOL of all places like miss gurl this shit was wack

So last December I met a girl and her friend because I was hanging out with my then gf in the library, and I overheard this girl and said friend talking abt Resident Evil: Village (if you don't know what this game is by this point in time u are fr living under a rock my guy-/lh), and specifically about Lady D. And now I know I shouldn't have been eves dropping or continuously listening in 2 their conversation, but I honestly couldn't help it bc literally no one else except for maybe 3 other people would talk abt things like Resident Evil bc this high school was built in probably one of the most mormon places u can find in Canada that borders the States-

So for that reason, ofc I was gonna be invested in their Convo. Well after listening for a bit, I politely excuse myself from my then gf bc she was doing homework at that point n it seemed like I was just gonna be bothering her rather than having her also be excited abt these two other people talking about RE. Then gf let's me go over and so I honestly pretty timidly walked up to the two cuz they're sitting at a table in the library, and I asked if I could sit down with them and talk to them because I've never heard anyone else talk about RE in this school. I did also apologize for listening in bc the conversation they were having could've been personal life details, but it was all about RE when I was listening in, so at least I wasn't intruding in that aspect. Anyways, the two let me sit down and talk with them, and the both of them are really excited to have another person to have sit down with them and talk about what seems to be one of their fixations and so we talk for quite a while before having to go home. What I didn't realize is that this girl has been on my bus the entirety of grade 12, and even though I sat in the back and she sat in the back, I never took notice because I was more focused on my brother, who was in grade 9 at the time, and unfortunately (or fortunately, however you wanna put it) I am quite overprotective of said little brother. But also, when I say this girl sat in the back of the bus, I meant it was WAY back, and this is because she is permanently in a wheelchair. Now you may be asking "what's so important about that fact, why do you have to specify that?" Well I have to specify it for later on in the story because it ties into the insanity I faced later on in this story. So she's in the very back of the bus because we have the bus that's meant for people permanently in a wheelchair to help them get onto the bus, and once she's on the bus, the whole way back home I'm talking to her, and I introduce my friends I already had to her because she's a really cool person and I have no clue why I've never noticed/spoken to her in the first place.

Well fast-forward to only a few weeks later, we've become really good friends, this girl (who I will continue to call S) and her friend (who I will call G) have full on integrated into our friend group and are all getting along great with each other. Plot twist, or so I thought, because I found out way later on that my then gf had been going behind my back to 2 of our other friends and ranting about how jealous she was of S and how I had apparently been spending way too much time with her and G, and not enough time with her, even though whenever I'd go to spend time with someone, it was always her. I was stuck to her side as the loyal golden retriever bf. Yet she was going behind my back and claiming that I wasn't spending enough time with her and all my time was going to not S AND G, but only to S. She was getting severely jealous of S because she thought I was going behind HER back and was cheating on her with S. My gf at the time even accused me of such in private and I had to prove that I had never, would never, and could never cheat on her because I'm too loyal to do so, plus S had already stated that she was AroAce due to childhood trauma involving her moms bfs when she was little, because with her being in a wheelchair, she didn't want to end up getting into an abusive relationship herself, because she has no easy way to get out of something like that, especially with having muscular dystrophy. I told my then gf that as well. Eventually said gf believed me and things were smoothed out, at least I thought so, but as time went on, then gf was still very jealous and still going behind my back and saying mean things about S.

So fast forward to April of this year. I'm really excited about this month because the 23rd of this month would have marked mine and said gfs one year anniversary, so ofc I was excited. That and at that point S and G where really close friends of mine, especially S because we found we had a lot of the same interests as each other, and even if we didn't, whatever interest the other wasn't into, we'd still hype each other up about it and state how cool it was even if we personally weren't into it (and this is how she got me into the band Ghost all the way back in January, but that's another story for another time-). Well, I was also excited about April because about a week prior to it being April, student council had announced they were gonna have a talent show event, and I didn't know this but S was gonna be in it! When she told me I was really excited about it because she's a real good singer and she knows all about music because that's what she's good at besides art. So she's telling me all about it because she came to ask me what song, specifically from Ghost, she should do, and when I gave her a few suggestions, she deliberated on them and had chosen Life Eternal. After a little while of us talking, she had also asked if I would perform with her so that it would be a little less freaky to perform in front of the whole school, and although singing in front of people scares me (I'll only do so in front of my brother and people I'm really close to usually), I agreed to sing with her because I will do anything for my friends. Little did I know however, this would only make my then gf MORE jealous. So anyways, time goes on, we did the talent show, it was pretty fun and as a last minute decision I had decided to paint half of my face in Copia/Papa IV's papa makeup, which made S really happy, and all day and a few days after, we won't stop talking abt how wicked we were, even though the thing as a whole wasn't, we were just happy and excited about our part we had in the talent show. This happened on the 12th of April. Fast forward only a couple days later, the 15th. At this point said gf and I had quite a few arguments, all started by her, all somehow involving S, and all deescalated by me. However, things weren't gonna be deescalated this time, since then gf had cheated on me the night beforehand with some guy. I was obviously taken aback by this because why would you ever do that? Anyways, we break up that day, but we don't tell any of our friends because we don't know how to break the news to them. Or so I thought. Even to the last minute, then gf had found a way to blatantly lie to my face. Remember how I've been saying then gf would go behind my back telling 2 of our other friends how jealous she was of S? Apparently she had PLANNED THIS WHOLE CHEATING AND BREAKUP SCHEME AND THOSE 2 FRIENDS ALREADY KNEW WE WERE GONNA BREAKUP

I only found out about this whole thing the next month, in May. But I went along with this big lie, which I only thought me and then gf knew about. Anyways, a week later is when S finds out we've broken up because finally it was decided by then gf and I that maybe the rest of our friends should know, and we all individually told them, although I didn't exactly one on one tell S about it, she found out through one of my Instagram stories, and so S being S, she runs to my DMs about it and asks if I'm ok. I tell her truthfully that I am, I've gotten over it, this and that, just generally reassuring my best friend that I would be ok, but if I had to, I would come to her if I was feeling sad.

Anyways, another week passes by, and S comes to me on discord really confused, and honestly pretty scared, and so me being a good friend, I sit down and listen to her. She reveals to me that she thinks she's started to have feelings for me, but since she doesn't really know how that feels, mainly due to her trauma induced AroAceness, she is currently freaking out about it because she doesn't know if they're actual feelings, or if it's just her brain trying to play tricks on her and whatnot. She then proceeds to profusely apologize because she knows this is bad timing on her part since I had just gotten out of a relationship and she feels really bad and like I'm going to hate her for such. But I reassured her that her confessing this to me wasn't going to make me hate her in any aspect, especially because she was confused about what her feelings were. In the end, I told her I would think about things and tell her the next day whether or not we could take things further, and then we went on like that and just didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. So the next day, I come back and tell S over discord that we can further what's happening and just kinda see what happens. I was expecting her to jump right in when it came to a relationship, but she held back and told me outright she couldn't be in a relationship yet because she didn't want to get into a relationship with me, and then a week later break up with me because she got too scared and couldn't handle it because she didn't want to be the next person to break my heart, especially since it was broken not that long ago. I respectfully accepted that and asked her where she wanted to go with that, and thus started her journey on learning to be ok with dating, and that not every person was going to abuse her like she had seen when she was little with her moms boyfriends. Weeks go on and whenever the topic of being in a relationship came up, it was always her asking me questions so she could be more comfy with the idea of a relationship. This whole time shes trying to figure things out is probably one of the hardest things she's experienced because she doesn't exactly know what to do, hence why she asks questions involving relationships, and so I answer to the best of my abilities. This whole time shes also really amazed and confused at how patient and nice I'm being about the whole thing and that if this were anyone else they most likely would've given up, but I got all cheesy on her and told her that if you truly love someone, you will be there for them no matter what, and that seemed to reassure her any time she was so confused about my patience towards her.

Anyways, it comes to be mid-May, the 17th to be exact, and the whole time I've been helping S figure what's going on out, we've become really close. We haven't talked about relationship things all the time leading up to this point, but it's been enough to help her get more comfy with it. Anyways, the night of the 17th of May, we get back onto the topic of relationship stuff, and it ends with her saying she thinks she's finally ready for a relationship!! She says that she's still a little scared and that there's still a gross feeling in her tummy when she thinks about being in a relationship, but she tells me that she's pretty sure it's just her brain trying to trick her, and her best bet is just jumping right in at this point because she doesn't think she can get any more comfortable, and in her words she said "what's the worst that could happen!" (Keep this in mind because this is kinda funny tying into this next part of the story) so at 10:56 PM, on May 17th, S finally said yes to being in a relationship with me, and today, September 17th, marks 4 months we've been together!! It's really exciting because even before being in a romantic relationship with her, the platonic one we had was one of the best friendships I've ever had, and since knowing her, I have been extremely happy and I could not be more thankful for having her in my life. One of my favourite nicknames for her is Skrinkle, which is just a deformed way of calling her my scrungle, and she calls me Scrinch, which is her romantic name for me that is literally just an inside joke about the Grinch, but idm, I think it's pretty cute lmao.

But, that's not the point, unfortunately story does not end at me getting my happily ever after with my absolutely beautiful gf, no, we're still on abt my ex gf, bc she's ✨fucking insane✨

And no, I don't joke about that. This isn't a classic case of the one ex over exaggerating how wack their ex is, no, my ex is literally fucking insane I swear to you. This is because the next day, our friend group is at school and it's lunch time, at this point ex gf stopped hanging out with us ig because I was there kinda thing. Anyways, one of our friends, who was also one of the ones ex gf had been talking to behind my back, tells me, Skrinkle, and a bunch of our other friends that she is scared for specifically Skrinkle's safety, because recently my ex gf has apparently been making death threats to Skrinkle in an entirely separate server where only my ex, and the 2 friends she was talking to were in, and ex gf would always try to poorly disguise said death threats as vents that she needed to get out

Now TW here for certain people

Now this is the part in the story where, if you've forgored, you remember that Skrinkle/S/my gf is in a wheelchair because of a disability she has because my ex gf, within her disgusting, hate-fueled rants, said on multiple occasions she had wanted to push Skrinkle down a flight of stairs, there was another instance where she talked about walking behind her with a hammer and wanting to bash her skull in, and, this is the fun part, last night (which would've been the 17th of May, the day we had gotten together), she had written a several paragraphs, of in depth details on how she wanted to murder Skrinkle. She had written these details an hour after me and Skrinkle got together. Now rightfully everyone sat there in stunned silence after our friend had told us this but she said she told us so we would be safe because she genuinely was scared one of us would get hurt, especially Skrinkle. I just kinda looked at Skrinkle and joked about how she had said "what's the worst that could happen" after she decided to say yes to being in a relationship with me, and we had just found out that the absolute worst that couldve happened did happen, and it was an hour after we had gotten together. Anyways, we continue talkig on about this, mainly about what we should do in this situation bc its really fucked up, but partway through I start overthinking bc I'm just like aw fuck I got her into this mess, she's gonna get hurt bc of me, this that n the other thing yk, n I start breaking down. People start freaking out bc they've never seen me cry so they're trying to make me feel better but I'm just having an absolute moment over here fjsjdnd-

Anyways, I calm down eventually and we get things sorted out but uh

yEAH-

THATS THE BASIS OF WHATS HAPPENED TO ME THE PAST LITTLE BIT IVE BEEN GONE

AND NOW IM IN COLLEGE THATS WACK-

BUT BESIDES THAT SHIT THAT HAPPENED MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, THINGS ARE DOING ALR AND MYSELF AND MY NOW GF ARE DOING GREAT!!

THANK U 2 THOSE 2 READ THE WHOLE THING

ITS QUITE A LOT

WHICH BRINGS ME TO OUR TLDR SO LIKE

Tldr; I met a new girl who's physically disabled, became friends w her, ex gf got jealous of her, we broke up bc ex cheated on me, girl I became friends with caught feelings for me, we eventually got 2gether, and my ex gf plotted to kill a disabled person and made wild death threats and whatnot (some involved pushing her down the stairs), but dw we're both safe and thriving now and I'm currently in college :>

[awlumii]

YOU ASKED FOR IT!! U HAVE NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN ABT ME RANTING ABT MY DAY RN!!

SO SO first I got this new haircut like a week ago but today we had onsite classes so I was rlly worried I'd look bad but it turned out pretty nice at the end of the day

Our school also made us take mbti, iq, and learning preference quizzes!!! When I last took the online mbti test 2 yrs ago it said I was an INTJ, andbim kinda excited to see if it changed, and if not I'll do more research on it to get to know myself better

AND THEN AND THEN there's this girl her names sage and we dated for awhile during the pandemic but had a soft breakup, we're still pretty good friends AND TODAY SHE VISITED ME!!! but we didn't get to talk much bc the bell rang, 💥her💥 in general is just so lovely methinks

And once again during the car ride home I promised myself I'd be productive but HAHAHAH that's a very funny plan, self

ANYWYAS I actually managed to get some stuff done and now I'm gonna ask about YOUR DAY!!

HI KIERAN HOW ARE YOU?? HOW'D UR DAY GO?? if ur answer to this ask isn't as long (or even better, longer) as mine I will throw a fit I would like to know you better ☹️💕

IM SORRY IM LATE I GOT CAUGHT UP IN STUDYING HI here's my response, blewp

#[ 📭 — incoming! ] #kieran's not very special #there's not much to learn abt me outside of the fact that i'm crazy and like. perpetually sad

[isabelleisashethem]

of how a playlist came to be

i'm posting this here, because I need this story to be told. (also, all the sad girl posts are abt him, sooo)

April 12, 2021

Haie, so, this girl just went through heartbreak and decided to create a playlist to cope. lol.

and here's the story of that playlist.

Listen to the playlist here.

(I'm sorry if the rain sounds were overpowering,I was scared of copyright lol)

This year was difficult. With the pandemic, and online classes, and family problems. Honestly, at some point, I didn't think that I would last and reach 2021. I was under so much stress and anxiety and was slowly losing my mind (as we all were).

But, despite all the mess, I managed to push through. You can ask me why because I'll tell you.

Someone was there for me. Despite not even knowing me last school year, he was the first to ask me how I was after I threw all my rants on Twitter. He was the first person that cared for me enough to see how I was doing. He is the reason why I'm still here.

Because he was essentially a stranger, I found myself telling him my problems, and he was always there for me. He was there for every breakdown, he was there whenever I lost my mind, he was there for me during my darkest days and he was there for me if I needed to ground myself.

He was there to make me laugh, and make me smile. He was there for the small victories and the accomplishments.

We became friends. Whenever we had a problem, we would tell each other about it. Whenever we see one rant on Twitter, we talk about it. We spent so much time talking to each other, to the point where I started to catch feelings.

A thing about me is, whenever I started catching feelings, it won't be intense. I'll only feel some butterflies, or the occasional "kilig", and when I knew that they liked someone else, I wouldn't mind, at all.

But then he came.

He made me feel alive, for the first time in a long time. His words were symphonies and his voice was a song. He made me feel extraordinary whenever he talked to me. For once in my boring life, he made me feel special (no, that is not a kpop reference, lol) when I thought that I was ordinary.

With him, suddenly love songs made sense, rom-coms were real, and hope was everywhere.

He would send me songs about love and give me anime recommendations. He would join me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. We would play tic-tac-toe or Pictionary and even among us online, he even taught me how to play chess once. He would stay with me at the end of google meets so we could talk more without other people; talk with just the two of us.

This boy made me overthink so much and made me feel such extreme feelings that he would sometimes be the reason why I lost my mind.

As we talked more, I felt myself start to fall. So I told him. I told him so I can clear things in my mind. I told him because I didn't want to hope for anything. Still, after I told him, everything felt more blurry, everything more unclear.

I still liked him.

His comforting words still meant the world to me. He was still the most important person in my life. Even when I tried to "uncrush" him, I couldn't, because I was really falling for this guy.

I also had this other friend. She was the person that I would run to whenever I had problems with him (lol, that is really funny now) because he tended to lead people on. I told her mostly everything because they were close too.

We became the closest among our friend group of 5.

I think you can see where this is going.

We would have jam sessions on discord, and we would chat on our group server. They would usually talk to each other and I would lay low most times (by lay low, I mean as they talk to each other with the microphones, I would react on the chatbox lol). There were also times where I caught them laughing and having inside jokes that I wasn't a part of.

I only truly saw their chemistry when we had the chance to see each other on our graduation pictorial. I noticed how extremely close they were with each other. I saw how cute they were together (because they really were). I saw how they light up when they were talking and how they were low-key inseparable.

That day I decided that I should get ahold of myself. It was clear that I wasn't gonna be that person for him. I felt the hope fade slowly,

but hope was still there.

When the day was over, and everyone was leaving, we decided to commute together because we had the same route home. All the rides were full, so we walked.

That walk was a bad idea. Commuting together was a bad idea. Being alone with him was a bad idea.

We started to talk, about life, and other things. Eventually, the conversation led to the fact that I liked him.

I told him about how he was different from my other crushes, and how strong my feelings for him were. He also knew how I never had anything remotely romantic happen in my life.

so he made me hold his hand,

and I did.

For around 10 minutes, maybe less, our hands were intertwined, and my sweaty palms were against his. For that short interval of time, I felt myself hope again, and I finally admitted to myself that I fell in love with this person.

I FAKEN FELT LIKE THE MAIN CHARACTER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

only for it to be taken back a few days later.

I assumed that I was the person he liked, because why would he do that if I wasn't. Why would he hold my hand after telling him how strong my feelings were for him?

Why did he feel the need to take a moment from me?

Surely he liked me too, right?

I found out that he liked my friend, not me.

That was the first time he was actually clear about the person he liked.

I was devastated, at the same time excited. I was really happy for them.

But I can't deny the fact that I was hurt.

The night I found out, I wanted to chop my whole arm off. I wanted to scrub the skin that held his hand off my body. I wanted to erase all the memories that I had of him

All the words that he told me, all the things that made me fall for him was a lie.

His words that once felt like symphonies were out of key. All the moments I had with him darkened. Everything was a fabrication of what I hoped it was.

That night, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that two people found their way to each other, while I was in so much pain.

I realized that everything meant nothing to him,

but his nothing meant everything to me.

I realized that I was led on from the beginning. I realized that maybe I was just a way to get to her.

He made me fall for him, as he was falling for her.

It broke me for a couple of days, but at the same time, I was extremely grateful.

Yes, I did fall for him and became a clown to his ways, but at the same time, I was also learning how to love myself.

I already saw how he treated me from the beginning. I already saw how much he led me on, and I saw his red flags. At the time, I was still stupid so I ignored them, but I've always told myself that I was worth more than what he was making me feel.

I learned to know my worth, and I eventually learned how to love myself, even on bad days.

I like to think that this heartbreak was given so that I could at least experience a broken heart before the right person comes into my life.

And I know that they will eventually come.

Now, we're on good terms, more or less.

We would still talk from time to time, and I really am incredibly supportive of their relationship.

Yes, it still hurts seeing them together, but why should I be the roadblock to their happiness?

What he did to me was not okay, and it never will be, but I learned that forgiving him was the best way for me to finally heal.

Also, even though most of what I thought of him was a lie, our friendship was still real. I'm still really grateful to have him in my life because he was the person I could trust with my secrets, and he was the person who pulled me back to reality when I was losing myself.

To this person, lol, if you are reading this.

Sorry for breaking my promise (lol kaso u broke my heart, char), and thank you for the lessons and for being there for me.

To anyone who happens to stumble along with this playlist, I want you to know that you are strong.

I want you to know that your feelings are valid, and this pain that you may be feeling is okay.

Even though you weren't in a relationship, what you felt was real, and I think that it's wonderful. It's wonderful that you were able to feel this much for them.

I know that someday, you're going to find somebody who is right for you. Who will never make you feel like an option, and will never let you down.

Someone who will care for you, as you cared for the person you are thinking about right now. Someone who will hold your hand, and have it mean something. Someone who can make you feel special, and loved.

But as we wait I hope you know that

you are valid, and you are always worth it.

xoxo

(here's the Spotify code lol)

#heartbreak #crush #unrequited love #playlist #idk why i fell for him but he was literally the bare minimum lol #i became gay after this HAHAHAHAHA #he was also leading another girl on while leading me on while pursuing his crush sooo #story