#idk i’m just being stupid i guess

[petrichormore]

God q!BBH is fascinating. His paranoia especially. q!Bad has called himself paranoid in character btw. multiple times. but the one example that immediately comes to mind is when he was talking to q!Aypierre. When people call him paranoid he doesn’t really say “Nuh uh” (at least not seriously - he’s become a little more self-aware) he says “okay maybe I am, maybe I’m not. but don’t you understand why?”

for q!BBH the price of potentially overreacting and hurting his friends’ feelings with his lack of trust is significantly outweighed by the price of an egg fucking dying because he decided to relax. He has been the deciding factor in a life-or-death situation for an egg multiple times. And his overreactions have saved lives. Obviously his developing belief that he’s like the Lone Responsible Caretaker of the Eggs is like blatantly incorrect but it didn’t come into existence in a void. It isn’t just one of his inventions it’s a consequence of other parents putting (whether purposely or accidentally) a lot of pressure on him that he tried and failed to escape from.

So he doesn’t care if he’s paranoid, he doesn’t care if his distrust hurts people, he doesn’t care about what’s reasonable or not - he cares about the eggs being alive. And if being unreasonable has kept the eggs alive in the past then damn you better believe he’s only going to get more unreasonable. And he’s not going to be sorry about it either, not while he feels responsible for every single child on the island.

#also people in real life experience paranoia so when people call q!bbh annoying or stupid for it… kinda makes me go Hm. #coming from someone w a personality disorder btw #and while I don’t experience paranoia as a symptom there are other aspects of q!bbh that I def relate to #idk I guess I’m just #like yeah sure he got defensive at q!Bagi and she probably didn’t expect him to go off on her like that but #experiencing paranoia does not make you less deserving of being acknowledged yknow? #anyway sometimes the way q!BBH is talked about kinda tows the line of ableism #am i being crazy rn? i don’t know #this is mostly about older twitter stuff that I’ve seen cropping up from wayyy back #I’ve had this in the drafts for a while but his convo w Bagi made it relevant again

[sailforvalinor]

.

#oh yeah uhhhhh I forgot to mention it buuuuut found out that Alcott Boy has a girlfriend #(and it wasn’t like stupid of me not to know she doesn’t go to our school) #I do nevertheless FEEL stupid but that kinda comes with the territory I guess #like. idk I feel like I should’ve known that a guy that great would’ve been taken? #oh well it’s fine it’s not like I had a crush on him for four years or anything hahaha. (shockingly I’ve had longer ones 😂) #anywaaaay time to binge-watch k-dramas to numb the ever-increasing certainty that I’m going to die alone 👍🏻😂 #(I’m aware I’m being melodramatic and wallow-y it’s just. I don’t get it. is being in a situation where I like someone and they like me #back such a huge ask?) #hghdhsh I’m being pathetic 😂

[cerealmonster15]

There’s this one workplace safety video that someone posted a clip from on here a while ago of a coworker saying something like “I’m going to kill you, hurt you, or harm you in some way 😐” and it haunts my subconscious but I can NEVER find it when I go searching. does anyone know what the hell im talking about.

anyway jamiazu doodle

#they’re STUPID‼️‼️‼️💖💖💖💖 #twisted wonderland #jamiazu #jamil viper #azul ashengrotto #sure whatever jeeze #twst #cereal tries to draw #anyway. god. #trying to search those words is never helpful #google always gives me crisis hotlines #i appreciate it but I’m looking for a meme #idk if that video even got traction or if I was just one of a few people who saw it #but I thought it was funny!!!! #do I sound insane. does anyone know what I’m talking about #HELP ME lol😭😭😭😭 #azul being more into Jamil once Jamil unleashes his unrestrained bitch mode is so funny to me #he really said yeah I was interested in him since we were first years but now that he’s Meaner he’s even Hotter #good for you I guess king jdncckfnfckvvkg

[mulling-over-milgram]

Part of me loves my silly little milgram oc’s a much stronger part of me wants to throw them violently in the rubbish bin and pretend they never existed…

#I felt so much passion for them when I started writing/drawing everything four months ago but now I’m second guessing everything…. #This ones too close to shidou’s visual symbolism #That ones too close to muu’s story #This one’s basically amane and fuuta shoved into blender but worse #Another oc-gram already did this #Another ocgrams character looks like that #The whole concept is stupid and edgy and boring and everyone was always going to hate it and hate you for making and ruining the fun #Everyone else was having with their actually good oc grams #Idk maybe my brains just being meannn…

[romantichopelessly]

literally the catch 22 of making urself less to keep people around you directly leading to people leaving u bc you’re not opening up to them 🧍‍♀️

#like !!! I’m trying to be what YOU want!!! I’m sorry you didn’t want me like that and now you’re mad I’m fake ?!!!??!! #I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I have an authentic self to live confidently as #bc everyone says the only way to rly be happy is let go of expectations and be your real self and find your real people #but I don’t think I have a self tbh #I think I’m a collection of experiences and expectations and I don’t know how to return to the origin point #oh well I guess!!!!! lost cause! #‘you can’t give up everything for someone and call that love’ WELL WHAT IF ITS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ?! #yeah I’ll never have real love bc I only expect to love and not be loved #but let’s be entirely real. you can’t love a mirrorball ! a set of masks ! a changing thing ! #and yeah I know it’s my fault I’m like that but it’s fucking impossible to stop #how can I take chances and live authentically like ??? what the fuck that goes against my like. core being. #idk I’m making it sound stupid but UGH #and then I just become upset later that they don’t love me the same. maybe it’s bc they don’t know me. like sure. they never asked. #but I never told. #i talk sometimes

[judasisgayriot]

i promise I’m a huge proponent of blocking and curating your experience etc and yet it also seems like I complain all the time sorry asdgjkhkl but this fandom has genuinely made me paranoid about following or reblogging anyone new lest I be blockt n cancelled yet again for the associating w the wrong ppl crimes I seem to have committed several months ago when I got into foblr. which is kinda a bummer

#sorry I genuinely feel like I whine all the time and I really do believe in blocking n curating lol #but like I’m a chill nice person I just want to see content of the thing I’m into and I’m getting gradually cut off from a huge chunk of pp #so its just making me feel like a crazy person man!! #Truly I have block me if you want in my bio and I stand by it lol but it feels like it’s never ending and idk man #i maintain my relative innocence here! I’m just here for a good time! how did I end up at the pariah table #sigh thanks chill freaks n weirdos for being chill. promise I’ll shut the hell up now don’t get hurt don’t u get hurt. lol #also sorry if I like reply to your posts n act like I’m your friend but you’re actually like uh stop #talking to me you’re not my friend go away. i just like genuinely want to have friends and I’m awkward as hell #god this is so stupid and long and I feel like a cringefail fool but what can you doooooo #I’ll make some gifs or something this weekend. i like making things I like being in fandom! but man. it’s been a bit of a struggle here #(foblr lol) #anni rambles #I’m not actually sarcastic and cool and disaffected enough to fully be like LOL WHATEVER IDC even though I partially have that spirit #I’m too earnest and soft for the real haters n freaks n too much of a freak for like. the clique I guess lol

[ruffgem]

IDK WHAT IM DOOOOING IDK WHAT IM DOING IDK WHAT IM DOING FOR MY SENIOR THESIS and I haven’t gotten shit done for it and it’s been fucking one degree all weekend so I really don’t want to walk 15 mins to the studio so it’s just like well!!!!!!!!!! I think what I actually need is for people to STOP checking in with me lol. as crazy as that sounds. Like just leave me alone for a bit and then come back later. like don’t even come into my studio. The constant contrasting feedback is really fucking me up and I need a feedback-less brain for like, jus a bit. Cuz like I don’t even know what my project is anymore. LOL Like bro just leave me be. Driving me up the wall!!!!!!!!!!!

#everyone’s like ‘make it more personal’ bitch. IT IS!!! #the figures are ambiguous and distorted for reasons that are personal. are you stupid? #make it more personal. okay. well I guess I’ll paint my own goddamn face on the masks or something if that’s what u all seem to be an #indication of personality #GOD DAMN #also conflicting ideas about what form my project should even take #and then when I’m like ‘idk what to do’ they’re like. ‘just do what YOU want to do 😊’ #at this point I don’t want to fucking do anything at all bitch #genuinely. don’t want to paint or sculpt or take photos or sew etc. #CONGRATS! U beat it out of me!!! Tha joy of making!!! she died #AND THE CONSTANT…. #’what does it mean TO YOU!??!?!?’ #being asked to explain something very nuanced one second and then #the next second being told ‘not everything needs to be explained… let there be mystery 😊’ #I hope u guys fall into a fucking pit of quicksand I’m so serious #LMFPAOAOXHPADIA

[pepperpixel]

Hello! I watched your speedpaints on repeat when I was in middle school (like 6 years ago) and sometimes still go back and watch them for the sake of nostalgia and good music. I just wanted to let you know you’ve touched my life and left a print, thank you 🤍

Thank you. So so much. For sending me this??? The me who made all those youtube videos. Doesn’t exist anymore. Life got harder. In so many new and horrible ways. And that like. Spark to create kinda died. And also I had more important shit to worry about all of a sudden. But. Knowing that it left on impact on someone enough to send me a message. Years after I’ve stopped making them tho. Idk.. that means something.. I appreciate you didn’t forget about me! (/my videos lol. I kno u don’t kno me. My vids and art feel a bit like. An extension of me tho? In a way. But I kno that it’s not a 1:1 thing. My art an videos express thoughts ideas and feelings of mine. But they are not. Me. Just lil slivers of me.. Tiny lil portions from specific moments in time.)

Sometimes it feels like those videos were just a flash in the pan. A brief moment of attention and fame I didn’t grab onto hard enough… and now the moments long gone. but. I didn’t rlly want to grab onto it, I just wanted to make fun videos. And show off my music taste lol. And express. The music videos my brain would create in my head into the real world. And then I got too busy w real life kicking my ass. (Ps. life has now stopped kicking my ass!! It’s gotten better. Just. Not the same as it was before) Maybe I’ll get back into it one day. If I have any new ideas. Once I get stable and know what I’m doing. And get like an iPad or something so I don’t have to wrangle w my laptop lol. But yeah!!! Srry.. I’m rambling a lot.. this message just made me emotional ok! I’m being openly vulnerable in turn hopefully that’s not too weird lol. I’m happy my videos had an impact on your life!! That means. A fucking ton. Like. Words cannot properly express the weird happy feeling that gives me in my heart. Thank you so much!! For real!!! Srry for getting all in depth about my life again this message just!!! Struck an introspective chord w me!!!

#like.. god damn #I guess it’s like… when I think about back then. and now. it’s weird. it’s so so weird #but this rlly! made me really happy to read!!! Srry if my reply is inarticulate or weird I’m bad at words and this is like a complicated #emotion to express without getting way too sappy and introspective and vulnerable #so I gave up on not being sappy and introspective and vulnerable to try and express it! #but I probably still didn’t do it 100% properly lol. hopefully u get the idea tho! #so yeah. thank u lol #I hope u have a good life dude! from: the guy who made those vids u liked… #time and life are so weird.. I hope we all get to have good life’s. u ask person #me. anybody reading my tags. anybody not reading my tags. idk!!! I just hope shit goes well! and we can get thru the bad times! #and have a good time. bein alive. to the best of our abilities… #ok. I’m gonna shut up now. this has gotten sappy and emotional enough ghghg #thank u.. again… Srry for goin off in weird tangents my brain just felt compelled #I have comfort nostalgia vids I like watching too. that just. mean a lot to me. I’m happy. that my videos can give u that feeling! #assks #sorry that’s my tag for. responding to asks. I promise I’m not calling u an ass #idk why I made that my tag ghgh- lil me was fuckin stupid lol #I say that w affection but I def was ghg. ok now for real for real shutting up! thank u again!

[arthur-r]

as usual i am up late into the night planning my future when i should be: getting a good nights sleep so that i even have a future!!

#i have work in seven and a half hours. so i should really be getting to bed #BUT i officially made my final definitive degree plan!!!! i mean not the actual classes but all the requirements i have to meet and how!! #(in order to earn: history and information science double major. with certificates in material culture and classics) #and i’m genuinely excited for every single class i have to take except for human-computer interaction #just cause i know it’s gonna get overly technical in ways that won’t quite apply to my future #anyway every single other thing i’m gonna do is very cool and exciting. so everything is good really #but i should be sleeping. and i’m not. as usual 🤧 #idk wish me luck!!!! i’m so hyped about my degree plan though #i’ll go into more detail another time. i’m very excited #ANYWAY goodnight!!!! can’t be so busy planning my future in library science that i DONT GO TO MY SHELVING JOB #kind of important to actually go to work for the library that employs me…. #and then i might go see a first-printing roget’s thesaurus!!!! or i’ll sleep. we’ll see #followed by lunch with GUY WHO IS THE WORST KILL HIM WITH HAMMERS #(there is nothing really wrong with me he just keeps kind of being mean to me and also expecting me to fall in love with him. but like #extremely passively and not manipulatively it’s just like. hey buddy you’re doing this friendship wrong….) #anyway then i have a class and after that i have an hour to rest. and then a phone call and then a lot of homework #(ten page paper draft due in a week and a half!! so it’s time to start writing the actual body of it) #and then i sleep for a LONG time and then work again on saturday. and then sleepover with somebody i have a crush on?? #and then be normal all day on sunday and do a little more paper writing. and programming homework. and whatever else #and then keep up with the slog for three weeks!!!! and all of a sudden it’s summer!!!! #projects left this year: material culture paper (entirely unstarted. but may research the thesaurus and just win!!!!) #history project (draft due the monday after next and real paper due a week after classes end) #one more programming assignment where i adapt my recipe doubler project (probably. it’s getting stupid at this point but it’s what i got!!) #and a programming test in two weeks and then the final a week after that. then no more programming #and then i just have my weekly latin tests and a latin final on may 5th. and then EVERYTHING IS DONE #ok i got this. sorry for walking through my schedule in the tags it’s how i remember what’s real #can’t believe my fucking partner just kind of walked out on me there hello???? like. we should be powering through finals together #but i’m genuinely better off without him so i guess it’s just whatever. trash took itself out or something?? #anyway. i’m so regular. and i have work in the morning. and i’m going to sleep #thank you world. goodnight

[gregmarriage]

genuinely so fucked up right now, and so desperate to leave the house, that i would consider my pap smear, a holiday

#a doctor sticking a brush up my vagina would actually be a welcome change of pace to the monotony of my life lately #it’s the closest thing to action i’ve had in a while #and the only woman who’s been near my vagina in a long time soooo yay? i guess? #idk this is so stupid #genuinely though i would take any change right now #it’s like wow autistic fear of change and like yeah i feel ya there but also if things don’t change soon im actually gonna need to be #committed #barely getting through the day #i’m just doing everything on autopilot and i don’t feel anything but completely numb #oh i guess i do feel something: exhausted #then i feel hyper and jumpy and am practically climbing the walls #manic depression is literally soooo much fun!! #can you tell i’m being sarcastic because if i don’t joke i actually want to do something drastic #really feel the urge to isolate myself from all my friends and family #like i’m *this* fucking close to just vanishing off the face of the earth #i wanna walk into the woods and never come back #bye all i’m gonna go become a deer let’s pray i get run over 🙏✌🏻😂

[justanotherfanartist]

idr who it was but somebody I reblogged a post on a while back in which I dumped a bunch of random personal stuff in the tags if you see this this is for you 🙏🙏 also I’m lying I’m just a yapper

#I love turning tumblr into my personal diary knowing this will probably just get buried in the annels of my blog #I’m sure that’s not how you spell that but wtv #anyways grrrr I love men I love figuring out my type #I’ve dated three guys who all coincidentally happen to be relatively tall skinny athletic types #not an intended pattern btw it just happened like that #but now I am experiencing the true joy of variety #gahhhh I love body fat I love guys with body fat I am sick in the head for men who are squishy and have tummies and ass #it’s not my fault that kinda guy just happens to be the center snare in drumline it’s the curse of band kid I guess #holy shit I need to stop dating people in my band actually Jesus Christ it’s two already. see but like or I could collect the set #and go for all different instruments or categories #I’ve got brass (trombone) and woodwind (tenor sax) down #so like percussion?? mayhaps #our drumline is exclusively made up of three types of people for some reason #a) every girl is legit cool a bit masc and definitely gay (I know two personally and a third that fits the bill) and very skilled #b) very much oddball types who nobody in the band gets along with because they actively make people uncomfortable (hard to describe) #c) most grey-sweatpants straight guy you’ve ever seen who just happens to be reserved n semiattractive. looking at two of them in particula #(section leader and center snare specifically) third category hits hard #not my fault the center snare is stupid pretty and reserved and kinda squishy <- on the floor drooling #and like. a good snare #idk what happened to me but as soon as I became a musician people being able to play well became VERY attractive to me #curse of band kid once again #I’m genetically predisposed to it it’s fine <- raised by two divorced music majors #in particular an alto sax and the center snare are two guys that stick as me having a moment of like oh wow they’re *good*. haha that’s hot #alto sax is a killer jazz player and I’m psyched I get to trio with him and one of the drumline girls (my favorite tgirl fr) #although they’re both way better than I am so I’m really the weak link here #which is a hard asf sell given that they want me on bass <- I am a decent-to-mid rhythm guitarist at best #but wtv. everything I do I do for jazz #the most personal information I will likely ever admit to (I am lying I will vaguely yap about myself all day long)

[munamania]

also why was i seeing a post about If the bottoms movie isn’t funny it’s gonna be painful to use this site while everyone pretends it is. why do you hate women and specifically lesbians answer so quickly i’m dead serious.

#it doesn’t have to be your thing but to go out of your way… so you don’t think women can be funny. #shiva bb was funny. ayo is funny. ayo and rachel have a comedy skit together. everyone who’s seen it had said it’s a hilarious ride #it had a perfect 5 stars on letterboxd at its debut like objectively it must be fun what is your problem. #i hope your stupid shit old italian dude movies all like go up in flames. that was a real fast judgment i can’t remember what sort of person #posted that lol #abby talks #ALSO also. like how many ppl do u think even know abt this movie it’s kind of big in the indie-adjacent scene i guess but it’s no blockbuste #r and furthermore it’s all about women. and LESBIANS. no one’s gonna give a fuck about it just shut up 🙄 #i’ve been awake for so many hours so i’m being hostile. #shouldn’t even say women teenage girls which might even be worse on this website idk

[deityofhearts]

I just want attention but I want for people to actually want to give me attention without me having to all but beg for it (and even then I end up begging for attention, that’s what this post is)

#deity dialogue #I can’t exist without some form of attention and if I’m not receiving attention and interaction then everything just seems pointless you #know? I don’t expect constant attention from any one person that’s absurd and not like someone’s job #I just hate the feeling of loneliness and being unwanted or a burden #I know there are people who do like me and my presence and like hearing from me and i and very very grateful to you all #so hi hi if you see this post I love and appreciate you #I’m not making this post to diminish the affection and attention I receive from others #I guess just to voice that I’m constantly hungry for attention like some sort of attention vampire #blah blah I could pinpoint why exactly I’m like this but it would do no good #just like the feeling of not getting enough attention or feeling like I’m unwanted when o do recieve attention or try my best to get peoples #attention #I’m just tired of being this way but it hasn’t changed yet I try so hard to not be bothered and to not care and to not keep craving #attention or like going out of my way to get peoples attention and yet #anyways sorry for my depressing late thoughts I should go to sleep but once again I cannot #I did however make myself cry because my own thoughts (again) #I’m gonna go check on my forehead and then like idk #resume reading the stupid vampire webcomic or like make myself try and sleep #I need more sleep medicine but I don’t have the money to spare for that lmao #any money I have rn is in savings for my impending phone bill #i can just sleep during the day. also like a vampire

[hinakyuu]

ever feel so unfunny :/

#honestly sometimes i feel too boring to be on this hellsite #i just don’t have the same wit or snappy humor as some of the other ppl here #i get some asks that i genuinely don’t know how to reply to lmao #i’m only 22 but i feel sorta ancient not being able to keep up with certain jargon #and then i spiral and think like. maybe no one wants to talk to me bc i’m so fucking awkward #i can’t leave my own blog damnit 😭 #i already abandoned my last one but i never had a problem talking to ppl on there so idk #tbh the plan for this blog when i got into hockey was to be a… (this is stupid) lone wolf #just drop some gifs. not get involved otherwise or else i’ll become too invested in how well my blog is doing #when i literally want to not care and just let it be whatever it wants #but some of the ppl i met on here are so nice even if our friendships are so new #i guess i wish i was more interesting or had better things to say. it takes so much brain power sometimes #but live-blogging is easy since i just type whatever pops into my head and then hit post lmao #i should sleep but here i am making gifs to avoid my problems instead 🤡

[coldvampire]

.

#anyway the most exciting conversation I had today was explaining how I managed to fuck up the dog’s haircut #(he’s squirmy that’s it that’s the reason) #moving on though the main issue is I still need like. the crutch of being online almost #and I guess even though it feels awkward and lowkey uncool I’m glad there are apps for people just looking to find friends #downside is I can forget they’re there bc the notifs don’t work great #or I panic because I’m too hyper aware of myself with new people. why can’t this be easy what’s wrong with me #I get embarrassed by how much longer my replies are than the other person’s #I can’t help it I guess #if it’s short I feel like it’s coming off inauthentic so I overcorrect #but then conversation kinda fizzles anyway. which is okay! not everyone will be a winner and that’s fine #I know this and it makes me feel slightly better #still I just feel like. dumb I guess. in all these interactions. #that’s the word. because I’m perfectly comfortable with myself until I feel like i start to notice That Change in someoneone #anyone else who gets told they give off Uncanny Valley energy knows what this is. #like I can tell I did something wrong but on paper I did everything right #and I just kinda fold every time. bc there’s usually no salvaging a conversation past that point. #it’s Not that it’s easier to be alone bc I’m not having a good time clearly but something drives me to keep going despite it all #idk it’s stupid I wish I could just cut this feeling out and detach completely #I know it wouldn’t bother me to be pushed slowly away at least. #I’d really be the person who solved the lament configuration just to Hang Out lmao #I wish I didn’t make posts like these here btw. #that also makes me feel dumb but it’s like if I don’t at least put this down somewhere it’d be worse #I think tomorrow I’ll clean a bit. it’ll be something to do that has a visible result. #not like anything else that’s going on lol

[fleshdyke]

me currently ^

#(csa warning for tags) #jeeesus i am so done with everything. its not wven that bad i dont know why i’m as upset as i am #school is just fucking hell the past couple days for some reason. even though we literally just had march break. idk. the cycle is really #hitting me hard lately i guess #and my fucking anxiety is coming back like i swear to god everyone is staring at me and laughing and i know it’s not true but jfc it feels #like it. it hasn’t been this bad since before my diagnosis #and i’m absolutely convinced my friends fucking hate me and we’ve kicked ppl out of our friend group before (they were racist and #transphobic) and im so fucking scared it’ll happen to me #and i know it’s a completely unfounded fear but oh my god its fucking paralyzing #and i feel like im seven again and completely and utterly alone and im so so so scared of it happening again #im so fucking scared of being alone. i just want someone to talk to #and like the reason i’m spiralling isn’t even important. it’s literally bc some of my friends have stopped eating lunch with me #like it’s so fucking stupid but i can’t get over it #and two of them don’t bc they got imto relationships and im happy for them and i know its not expected or anything to get into one in hs #like logically i know that and i tell myself that all the time but godddd it doesnt stop me from feeling like im fucking broken all the time #literally not a single person has ever seen me as anything other than a friend. and im not even fully convinced abt that. #like. why does everyone have experiences with ppl liking them and not a single person ever has liked me #like what the fuck is so wrong with me that no one will ever love me #literally the only fucking person who has ever wanted me. EVER. was a grown fucking man that raped me as a child #and i cant even fucking remember it. I CANT REMEMBER WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE WANTED #and i know its some sick twisted way to look at it. like this grown fucking man raped me when i was younger than 8 and all i can think about #is how that was the only time anyone’s ever wanted me #and like i don’t even actually WANT anything. i just want someone to like me. i want someone to like me so fucking bad #the scariest part abt it is that i want it to fucking happen again because i just want to be wanted #i’m absolutely fucking terrified of never being wanted. ever. it’s the scariest shit in the world to me #bc as far as my life has been it’s been true. all my childhood bullies have been fucking right #the only time i have ever been desirable was when i was younger than 8. now people literally fucking gag when they look at me #and i dont fucking know what to do #rambles #vent