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omgwhatchloe · 6 months

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lets talk about sean macguire, or more specifically, his none-existent recovery and how it affected him before his death.

so as we all know, sean is captured by bounty hunters after the blackwater ship robbery goes horribly wrong. it’s confirmed in a side mission that he was tortured for information, most likely because ike skelding and his crew wanted to be the ones to bring dutch in as well, but he specifically mentions how they burnt his feet and pulled his teeth.

lets start with the affect of them pulling his teeth: it doesn’t take a genius to know ike skeldings bounty hunters are not fully trained dentists with numbing cream and injects, nor did they actually care about any of the long-lasting damage they were doing to sean, since they assumed he’d be getting hung and wanted to have their fun with him. that was the whole point, to torture him because any teeth related pain, i think we can all agree, is the worst of the worst. afterwards, he is seen struggling to eat, i think at least multiple people online have said they have noticed how he will only have one or two bites, or even none at all, and pour away the mostly full stew. i haven’t bothered to focus on anyone else’s eating habits, if im being honest, but i think i really picked up on seans because of the fact hes trying to eat with missing and likely damaged teeth. as we know, no one in camp really bothers to ask him if he’s okay or pick up on this, but this is not surprising as after all they are just codes and scripts and no voice actor has the time to record their characters entire life.

next, the feet burning: the fact they burnt his feet implies to me and gives me the idea that he was hanging from his arms at some point in his time of being captured and they had pretty clear access to his feet (ew). in camp, i did actually notice him walking funny like he was drunk, then having completely sober dialogue while limping along. though of course this game is not without its faults and glitches, and dialogue getting messed up is, in my opinion, one of the most experienced ones throughout the entire game, so perhaps this was him being drunk and accidentally having sober dialogue. but im going to pretend its because they burnt his feet.

his none-existent recovery: i actually spoke about this on a different platform, and compared the recovery that arthur had to the one sean had, which they both deserved, and lets just say some people disagreed. according to them, a party is good enough! despite the fact, sean needs to heal, or at least get the chance to see a doctor, and a party is literally the opposite of healing time. he has just been kidnapped, certain he wasn’t going to make it, getting tortured, and mentally that’s going to fuck with you. but again, no one in camp really cares or notices and he doesn’t get to really actually recover from that. obviously sean was not upset about getting a party in the slightest, dont get me wrong, but for other users to claim that’s all he needs while we’re discussing it just seems a little weird to me. and something that has always upset me is the way he is immediately put back to work, that is what i mean when i say he does not get to recover properly, he is straight back on guard duty. and we all know guard duty involves being on your feet for hours, which is especially bad for poor sean who has just had his feet burnt. seriously, give my man a break (NEWSFLASH: A PARTY IS NOT A BREAK IN THIS SITUATION)

anyways, expect another post about his napping and sleeping habits because i honestly can’t wait to write about that (watch out hosea you’re gunna get slandered)

#red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #sean macguire #red dead redemption two #hosea matthews #GIVE HIM A BREAK #PLEASE #sean rdr2 #he is my baby

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twilightreformation · 3 years

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new moon reformation

I think it's funny that for all that new moon is my favorite book in the saga and actually took twilight in an interesting thematic direction I would change so much of it

first off edward is the one who almost attacks bella because that makes sense. while edward does hate himself he's also ridiculously overconfident, which i think would be exacerbated by him literally drinking bella's blood in the last book and only managing to stop himself with the ✨power of love✨. bella would forgive him instantly because she's always been "it's not your fault you're a vampire you drink blood <3" about it all, and as a character response it's indicative of a lot.

okay this one is not my original idea, requires some setup from the first twilight, and isn't a huge plot change, but I love it so I'm adding it here: edward always used to compliment bella on her hair because it's really long and pretty, and it was an aspect of her appearance bella actually liked. but when edward leaves, it's just another reminder of him. another reason she wasn't enough. so in the first week where she's all but catatonic, she hacks it all off with kitchen scissors at 3am so that it ends somewhere around her ears. she hopes it'll be cathartic, hopes it'll make her feel better, but it in fact makes her feel worse. after feeling the dissonance and seeing something that didn't fit her memories she resolved not to change anything else, not to let herself forget. plus a physical representation of the change she underwent/is still in the process of going through? love it. LOVE IT.

this whole post was originally meant to be a bullet point that went here but it got too long. suffice it to say, the romeo and juliet literary comparison needs to be streamlined.

oh and while ik this is from the movie, bella writing emails to alice that never get delivered was GENIUS. it adds so much to their friendship (which we never really got to see) and adds to the idea that it wasn't just edward bella lost, it was a family and a future. plus it's good foreshadowing for when alice actually shows up later, as if bella had summoned her. and my own bit that isn't necessary and makes less sense but i like it: bella writing physical letters that she simply addresses to alice cullen or the cullens that get sent back with a RETURN TO SENDER stamp.

jacob + the wolves get to keep their hair

jacob + the wolves aren't dangerous to humans or as aggressive

i hate imprinting but i love leah clearwater and i think the leah/sam/emily situation is very interesting (especially with how leah could have been a parallel to bella, and the juxtaposition of leah/sam/emily and edward/bella/jacob) so imprinting is reframed to not be this universally good thing pointing you to your destiny as much as something that takes away your agency, something jacob resents in the same way as he does the other aspects of his werewolfness. (imprinting on children absolutely does not happen, at all. ever.)

sam uley did not lose control and attack his partner because that is horrifying and completely brushed over in the book, how did smeyer simultaneously play into racist stereotypes AND not even bother to criticize domestic violence??

in general, the native characters should have been treated with much more respect and care, especially with regards to the negative stereotypes smeyer wrote into them, the complete disregard of the quileute tribe, and the lore she made up and included later

bella doesn't criticize jacob and the wolves for the people she thinks they killed, not because she thinks murder is okay, but she's shown in the past that she values the people she loves more than what she thinks is their nature or past horrific actions (why is she okay with edward being a mass murderer but holds jacob to a different standard? hello?)

either the cullens are NOT racist to the wolves and get to keep their morally-upright-characters status, or the cullens ARE racist to the wolves and the narrative properly acknowledges and criticizes the characters for it.

bella doesn't immediately forgive and accept edward back. while this may be out of character, I think it would be amazing if bella's character had developed and she came to acknowledge the horrific pain edward caused her, and took a step forward for her own health and decided to be on her own, at least for a while.

also this is my own agenda, and I'm willing to be convinced otherwise, but I wish bella had come clean to charlie about vampirism (and possibly the wolves as well). as I said in this post bella desperately needs someone to lean on and confide in that isn't trying to be her supernatural boyfriend, especially a parental figure considering bella's upbringing. again this would be an important moment of character development, of learning that relying on a parent rather than the other way around doesn't negate her value. it also means she's less isolated (which is an abuse tactic that it could be argued edward uses, as bella is not allowed to tell anyone he is a vampire and this leads to a strain on her relationships with her high school friends and her parents).

I think the vote scene should still happen, but bella should be more on the fence on whether or not she even wants to be a vampire anymore. her desire for vampirism is inherently tied to her self-esteem issues and depression, as well as her desire to be with edward forever. questioning these desires and figuring out on what terms she will or won't want these things is healthy!

also imagine with me how much more compelling eclipse would have been with more nebulous concepts overlapping (especially without it trying to tell you that in the end it was all a foregone conclusion): jacob vs. edward, wolfpack vs. cullens, bella stans vs. volturi/victoria, humanity vs. vampirism, life vs. death.

in conclusion: new moon you have so many problems I wish your author could write and your editor could edit and in general I wish the people that led to your creation had critical thinking skills

#tw abuse mention #new moon #assume that if I didn't mention it in this I liked it in the book #i think the pink moon is having an effect on my brain that makes me analyze new moon #because I can't stop thinking about every aspect of it #meta #long post #ohmygod wait a minute!!! I'm living up to my url!!!#twilight reformation

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persephoneofhades · 6 years

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blakebat replied to your post “The OT3 feels were strong in this episode, but I can’t help but be...”

personally, i'm more drawn to maddie and ryn because (theres more tension there imo) even tho we know ryns feelings for the both of them are true, ben was sang to. maybe thats why hes drawn to her. while hes was being affected by that, instead of opening up to maddie, he kept his troubles to himself and even pulled away from her because he was so obsessed. and this didn't happen just once. it happened twice. when he first found her and then when she went away.

and then theres the fact even if he doesnt directly hurt mermaids and is long run trying to help them, he supports his friends who do. instead of talking to them like he said he would, he procrastinated until it was too late and people were hurt. ik hes good deep down, but hes been walking the line.

tho i would love for all of them to end up together and for bens issues to be addressed and learned from instead of ignored.

This is such a late response and I’m so sorry, but RL got way in the way with my job and I wasn’t able to actually even WATCH the last three episodes so I didn’t feel like I could answer this without having seen them even though I knew kinda vaguely what had happened.

That being said, I’m all caught up now and Siren may be over for now (I even changed my url to reflect it), but I’m answering this anyway.

I understand where you’re coming from and to a certain extent, I think the show sorta means for you to feel this way.

Ben’s feelings are very clearly made out to be not completely natural and even potentially harmful, both to himself and to others. That’s made ESPECIALLY clear in the last few episodes. So it’s less that Ben’s “issues” are addressed and need to be learned from as much as Ben needs a cure that doesn’t yet exist since he’s essentially been accidentally given a few doses of a drug that he’s deathly allergic to and is now in withdrawal from.

He’s a flawed character, sure, but a majority of his actions from about episode 5 on were influenced by the song. You could also make a pretty strong argument that he was influenced from the second he heard the song back in episode 1, but as Maddie says, he was still acting like himself then and really only started changing after Ryn left at the end of episode 4, the first time he went into withdrawal.

Maddie’s relationship with Ryn is, by comparison, more genuine and healthy because there is no outside influence, however innocently meant. Maddie knows where her boundaries are and has been able to keep a clearer head this entire time which explains why Ben was so flustered by the kisses and Maddie wasn’t. It meant something else to Ben, it probably felt like something else to Ben.

Which isn’t to say he’s completely excused for all of his actions, but the poor dude has a pretty good explanation for his behavior and it’s not like he MEANT to be drugged in the first place. He saw a girl who had just been attacked and tried to help her and got drugged for his troubles because she was curious about him and happened not to be human.

His actions on the boat I think you’re looking at in a way I don’t really understand, though.

Ben had just found out that there was a military boat on the water that was trying to hunt the mermaids. He knows they’re trying to lure in Ryn’s sister and Ryn by proxy likely. He runs out to find Xander about to set sail ALSO to hunt mermaids. Ben knows that this is a doubly dangerous journey due to both the mermaids AND the military and he also knows that he can’t actually say that to Xander (or Chris or Calvin who were also in the vicinity and would have likely demanded an explanation) so he does the best he can at the time and just goes along to hopefully help everyone avoid a terrible outcome.

And he fails. Because he is vastly outnumbered and doesn’t totally know what he’s dealing with, but he’s doing the best he can with what information and resources he has. What would have happened if he HADN’T gone with them and “supported” them as you claim? They’d all have been killed, all four of them: Sean, Xander, Calvin, and Chris. They MIGHT have believed him if he told them the whole story, but they clearly already believed there was a mermaid out there and were planning to go exactly BECAUSE of that so confirming their theory wasn’t going to keep them off the water. He had NO good options. None. He goes because he’s now the only one on that boat who has any clue what they might be going up against and the fact he’s still unprepared for the severity of what’s actually out there is not his fault.

I’m not sure what you think Ben should have done in this situation that would have changed anything for the better because I can’t think of one.

It’s very very rare that I feel the need to defend the white boy in a show this strongly, but Ben just feels like one of the rare straight white male protagonist characters that isn’t a complete pile of shit.

Maddie is amazing and I love her dynamic with Ryn a lot and I love her relationship with Ben and I love how she stands up for herself and isn’t afraid to call off her relationship with Ben when she can tell it’s no longer working for her even though she loves him. I’d love to see Maddie’s background explored more and see more of her relationship with her dad and continue to grow her relationship with Ryn as well as Ben (especially since Ryn is trying to stay away from Ben, she may end up having to spend more time with Maddie by process of elimination). I’d love to see Maddie teaching Ryn about how to be human now that she’s here to stay. I’d love to see Maddie showing Ryn around town and going shopping with her and getting her to help at the marine research center. I’ve got a lot of hopes for Maddie and Maddie/Ryn.

I’m just not against it including Ben as well and I don’t feel quite as negatively towards him as you do. I just want him to get better and see his relationship with Ryn grow more from there since I do believe he has genuine feelings for her that weren’t all influenced by the song. I want to see him rebuild the trust between himself and Maddie and slowly integrate all three of them together. I want to see him build up a relationship with Helen now that he knows they’re family. I want to see more of his friendship with Xander especially now that Xander is in the know and will know exactly what Ryn is and may be Ben’s only support without Maddie and Ryn. I want to see the two of them team up to help protect Ryn when Calvin’s stunt with the news comes out.

This show has a lot of potential with ALL of its characters, Ben included. So while I understand where you’re coming from, I can’t agree with you.

#blakebat #siren #siren freeform #maddieryn #polymarine #ben pownall #maddie bishop #ryn

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eveningescapades · 7 years

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Heads up, this is the longest post ever. I don’t normally write on here but I am going through a really difficult time right now and I feel the need to share it. I don’t want everyone in my daily life to know, so I figured tumblr is the next best thing, right? Anyways, if you do read this and you know who I am IRL/the person I am talking about, please be gentle. This is not something I am choosing to share with everyone.

This past Tuesday I went to court to testify as a witness in a case against my old camp counselor, who I will refer to as S. 5 years ago I was a fifteen year old girl struggling with bulimia and depression. At this theater camp, I became very close with my director S. He was the first adult I confided in about my bulimia. We texted constantly. He was 34, with a wife and daughter. At the time, I never thought anything was wrong about our friendship. I viewed him as a mentor, someone I looked up to and enjoyed talking to.

I didn’t recognize the signs of him grooming me to depend on him, to confide only in him. I introduced him to my best friend. When camp ended, I continued to see him. He wrote me a long, four page letter. He bought me books. He confided in me about his relationship problems, and often acted as if he was my age, to the point that I saw him as my age.

And then he bought me and my best friend alcohol. I don’t remember if he offered, or if I asked, and either way it doesn’t matter. He should have known better. He should have set boundaries. Really, he shouldn’t have met me at all when camp ended. He certainly shouldn’t have seen me four times in about two weeks. But he did, because he wanted something from me, even if he didn’t know what that was. After he bought us alcohol, my friend and I proceeded to drink it on our own. I had never had hard liquor before-- I blacked out and vomited everywhere, my friend had to take care of me, it was a mess. But I didn’t know what binge drinking or BAC level or health drinking looked ike, so I thought what I experienced was normal and okay, and S didn’t dissuade me. Instead, he talked about how fun it would be if we drank together, and asked me if I wanted to. He made it seem appropriate and the next day he picked me up and drove us somewhere to drink. I’m going to pull the next part from my victim impact statement that I had to write for court, despite the fact that the judge never read it because the jury voted “not guilty”.

“The details of that day are blurry, but they have impacted my psyche ever since. I remember getting into a car with him, and he showed me the vodka and mixers that he had. We drove somewhere that was near a small wooded area. I still don’t know where he took me—I wasn’t paying attention to where we were going. When he parked, we started drinking. I didn’t even think about the fact that he would have to drive after we drank. In retrospect, I feel that S used my desire to drink and naivety to get close to me and take advantage of me. If he had not impaired my judgment with alcohol, I would have sensed that I was in a dangerous and uncomfortable situation. Instead, I ended up at his house, over 30 minutes away, on his bed, with him on top of me. For years I blamed myself. I thought that it was my own fault for blurring the lines in our friendship by agreeing to drink with him. I thought that what he did was an accident or mistake, that I had somehow enticed him into kissing me. Now I know that he probably was planning it the whole time, and used alcohol to speed up the process.

While no physical harm was done to me, I cannot forget the way it felt to have his body press me down against the mattress. I felt powerless, and small, and confused. I felt dirty because I was in his bed, the one he shared with his wife, one room over from his daughter’s bedroom. I barely remember what happened, I just know that I didn’t kiss him back and eventually he stopped and got off me and started apologizing. I asked to go home and he took me. I still don’t know why he took me home, because he could have done anything to me. I wouldn’t have remembered.

For a long time, I pretended that what happened to me was okay. I told myself it was an accident, that he didn’t mean it, that I probably overreacted. Despite this, I could not bring myself to think about what happened. I blocked it out, ended the friendship, and never told anyone about it. I moved on, or at least I tried to. I got a boyfriend six months later. I remember telling him in a moment of intimacy what happened, and feeling devastated at his anger. Although it was directed at S, I felt like it was directed at me because in my mind, I was responsible for what happened. I was the girl who had put herself in that situation by consenting to drink with an adult man. Never mind that that man suggested it, that he was an adult who should have known better, that he had been my camp counselor and one of my closest confidantes that summer. It wasn’t until I was watching Juno for psych class my senior year of high school, nearly three years later, that seeds of doubt formed in my mind. The father in Juno reminded me vividly of S- childlike, up close and personal with a young teenage girl who had not asked to be viewed that way. Unlike me, Juno refused to stand for it. Unlike Juno, I was unable to get past that moment of frozen confusion, where S kissed me on his bed.

I chose to go to court because I have not been able to forget that day I drank with S. For so many years I have tried to forget what happened because I was ashamed and guilty. I thought that it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it’s not like he raped me—he even apologized after. I blamed what happened on the alcohol. I didn’t even think about the danger he put both of our lives in when driving around drunk.”

Well, no more. I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore. Every time I have to see people from camp, every time I have had to lie to my friends and family about phone calls and missing work because I was meeting with lawyers and going to court is time that I regret losing over you. I sincerely hope that seeing me in court on Tuesday made you think twice about your actions.

It’s not fair that we live in a country where criminal cases are so impossible to win. Burden of proof is on the accuser, reasonable doubt, blah blah blah. Because of these rules, my court case didn’t get to be about you violating my trust and my body. It was over two counts of furnishing alcohol to minors. And even then, you were determined to win! You lied to my face and everyone in the court and said that you never bought me alcohol. Liar. You let your lawyer make me out to be mentally unstable, told everyone about my ED and self-harm, things that I never think about or talk about anymore because that’s not who I am. And the fucked up thing is, it fucking worked. Because I couldn’t remember the details of what your car, FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO, looked like. Because I couldn’t remember that you bought me a smoothie, if you drove me home or I walked. Small details that created reasonable doubt, and so you got away with a “not guilty”. I have spent THE ENTIRETY OF MY LAST TWO YEARS OF UNDERGRAD waiting for this moment. I just wanted to have the validation of winning.

I know that my decision to pursue legal action against you has made a difference. I know you can’t step foot on the grounds of our camp again. You can’t teach. The Dept of Education wants you to give up your license again, and if you refuse, they will come at you with a civil case. But it feels like too little too late for me. I feel like I have suffered so much and it’s for nothing. The only good thing coming out of this “not guilty” sentence is that I am finally, finally angry. I felt so guilty and ashamed and uncomfortable in my own skin for so long that I didn’t realize I had the right to be angry. Why me?? Why did you decide to target me? I will never understand why you couldn’t keep things appropriate. You have a DAUGHTER. How would you feel if someone did that to her? You were a TEACHER. A COUNSELOR. A MENTOR. None of those roles should have suggested that it was ok to get someone half your age drunk and then make a move on them. Sometimes, I almost wish you had raped me. I know that’s fucked up, but I would have known how to define what you did to me as clearly, identifiably wrong. Instead, for so long I lived in this grey area where I believed I was to blame. I have continued to freeze up in situations where I felt uncomfortable. Last summer I was raped. I was in an unsafe situation, that I could have left, but I just froze. This physical response that has stayed in my body since you touched me. Last semester I had a panic attack in class during a class activity that triggered my memories of you. And now I have to move on with my life and act like the past five years of trauma and pain are suddenly ok because I did everything within my power to right the wrong you did to me and it wasn’t enough.

I don’t know what would be. I honestly feel so alone, even with all my family and friends. I know this feeling will get better, and eventually I’ll be in a place where I am ready to work through this bullshit. But first I have to figure out a way to not be so fucking angry all the time with how things turned out.

For those of you who read this- thank you. I just want to be heard in a safe space and feel validated.

#fuckyou #justicesystemdoesn'twork

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acehet · 7 years

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really long reply like WOW

@rebelbaze ty for responding but reading through your responses is really hard because you’re using the reply feature for a lot of replies. the reply feature is fine for 1 or 2 responses, but anything more than that fries my brain (i’m sorry!). i’m going to try to reply anyway

I mean? I identified as ace for years because of internalized homophobia and a lot of ~ace elders encouraged it by saying that since I was scared of having sex with anyone, I must be ace and all that. And there are multiple blogs cataloging HUNDREDS of experiences ike mine.”

yeah no i 100% agree with you there. those ~ace elders~ were completely incorrect in saying that you must be ace solely because you were scared of having sex.

anyone trying to directly pin an identity on someone, as in “you must be ___ because of ___” is completely in the wrong and i’m sorry that happened to you and make you confused.

there’s a difference between giving people resources and giving advice and possibilities to help them find an identity on their own, and saying someone has to be something because of a reason.

http://hate2breakittoya.tumblr.com/tagged/mogai-hell-denial/chrono A lot of these are about MOGAI politics rather than just the ace community but it's still worth perusing the tag to understand what we mean

asexuals as a whole aren’t to blame for mogai politics. the ace community isn’t at fault for people labeling themselves as homoromantic/bisexual just to end up being wrong about it. hell, even i called myself biplatonic a few years back because i like being in relationships and having girlfriends and boyfriends, and then this discourse happened and i dropped the term cuz so many other people were shamed and ridiculed for the same exact thing. and then i started to think it was stupid too because i’m super impressionable (but that’s not the point)

there are people entirely comfortable with having split attraction or silly identities, not everyone who is, for example, heterosexual/biromantic (i choose that one specifically for a reason i’ll explain in the notes) is that way due to compulsive heterosexuality or internalized homophobia. it could be because of past trauma that makes them uncomfortable being in certain intimate situations (romantic or sexual) with one gender in one way but not the other, or just having different comfort levels with different genders because of who they are, or just because that’s how they are as a person.

it can be internalized homophobia or compulsive heterosexuality for some people, i am absolutely not denying that, but that’s not always it. people are just different, and an entire community of people shouldn’t be shamed for the outlet of their identity because just because for other people it was a form of denying themselves.

but if people are comfortable with something and they’re perfectly content with it, why make issue with it? but if they’re having issues with themselves because of it or are struggling, i feel that’s when you should step in and say “hey i see you’re having problems with your identity and confusion/hatred over it. if you want you can talk to me and i can help you figure things out or just give you some resources to help you figure it out on your own?” or something along those lines.

a group of people as a whole shouldn’t be the blame for someone’s internal issues that are there in the first place because of society’s pressure to make people straight and cis.

http://sleepdontvisit.tumblr.com/post/159156864205/regreceipts-aphobe-voice-mogai-tumblr-held-a ANd if you have xkit or the time to just individually go through the tags on this post, LOTS Of reblogs have comments/tags added, where they talk about how the acec ommunity kept htem from dealing with trauma/overcoming internalized homophobia

again the ~ace elder~ is brought up and throwing identities at people. since this is a thing that is happening to people, i will say i am on your side for this and that putting a label on someone is entirely wrong and not at all helpful.

but, i do have to disagree with a part of this–

““I think I’m attracted to men but whenever they hit on me I feel like I’m about to die.” And y'all will say “sounds like you’re ace and just like them romantically” or “you’re lithromantic” instead of saying, “hey, it’s possible you’re struggling with compulsory heterosexuality. Have you ever considered you might lesbian or attracted to girls?””

forcing a label on someone, like “you’re ace and you like them romantically” and “you’re lithoromantic” are wrong, i’m 100% with you there. but if it were phrased differently, like “hey, if you’re comfortable talking more in-depth about this, we could figure out if you’re actually attracted to men or just find them attractive, because there’s a difference, and a possibility you might be asexual or just dealing with some stuff. have you considered anything?”

i feel that’s just as valid to say as “it’s possible you’re struggling with compulsive heterosexuality and have you considered you might be a lesbian or attracted to girls” because it’s offering the same advice, just different possibilities for identities.

i feel this is more of a thing where people jump the gun on assuming someone’s identity, and not actually an intent to force someone to be something solely because they’re manipulative and want to force someone into being “one of us, one of us”, but regardless i will be on the lookout for more of this in the future, since this is a thing that is happening and can absolutely confuse people and force them to internalize some stuff.

And like, if you need resoursce about the OVERWHELMING amount of sex shaming/serophobia/homophobia in the ace community, I can come up with those too. Like? I literally stopped identifying as ace because of how disgusting the community was and how uncomfortable it made me feel. But a lot of it isn't direct "you can't be gay!! you're ace!!" and it's more the sex shaming that peopel struggling with internalized homophobia flock too. A young gay person will feel "I can't have sex with girls, that's disgusting!!" and see the ace community talking about how disgusting sex is and be like "wow, I must be ace" when really... nope they're just struggling with shit.

(i had to google what serophobia was tfw) i have seen for myself receipts of asexual people making inappropriate comments towards HIV+ individuals or situations, and that is absolutely something that we have to call our own out on. i’ve seen posts on my dashboard of other inclusionists telling people “hey don’t say that shit” in regards to these serophobic posts, and even the infamous “i hate gays on this site” post. so it is something we’re aware of and are trying to correct, but it’s hard to see everyone and everything. it’s disgusting and shouldn’t happen in the first place, but unfortunately it is there.

but for my own personal anecdote, and it’s something i’ve spoken about in the past too, but there was also a time last year where i stopped identifying as asexual too. it wasn’t because of the ace community, because again, i don’t really associate with the ace community aside from on this blog, but it was mostly because of exclusionists and family members.

the discourse was really really bad from what i saw last year, and i wasn’t involved. i unfortunately followed the wrong people and all i saw were a lot of posts about how asexuality wasn’t an identity but a modifier (????? what is my orientation modifying i don’t have anything else) and even posts about how it wasn’t an orientation at all because it doesn’t say who you’re attracted to (yes it does– i’m attracted to nobody.) and people attacking me personally for being asexual (i might still have screenshots if i can dig them up from my old account tbh) and i really felt like i had to forcibly change my orientation since at the time i felt like i couldn’t be asexual. like i wasn’t allowed to be.

This isn't comparable to people accidentally identifying as gay when tehy're bi or anything else bcause there is no society that shames not being gay, y'unno?

i really disagree. there are asexual and/or aromantic people who won’t identify as such because of society, and the general atmosphere of lgbt+ spaces right now because of the discourse. and also historically asexuals were a part of the bi community until we split off (here’s a post with sources that explains is better) and a lot of us misidentified as bi because of such and because a lot of us just liked all genders the same way without realizing we were asexual. (which btw is NOT the bi community’s fault!! just circumstantial confusion). and i even had my brother’s ex fiancé a couple months ago shame me for being asexual and try to tell me i was actually bi because i had a girlfriend at the time and had a boyfriend right before i dated her.

society shames asexuals as well. seeing as how there were consummation laws in place requiring couples to have sex or their marriage could be under annulment. (wikipedia article) (here’s a tumblr post explaining it more)

also this was in a broadcasted tv series shaming asexuality

youtube

(tumblr post talking about it more because tbh i don’t watch house)

society shames asexuality too, and if i didn’t discover i was asexual when i was 12, i would probably still unfortunately be identifying as bi and feeling wrongly about it because of how much aphobia i see in my daily life now. not just online, but with how family tries to pressure me to find love or how people pressure me into relationships irl to ‘fix’ me.

i’m glad i found out about asexuality (and being trans) so young because if i hadn’t, i would still be identifying as something entirely wrong for me. because as i get older i see more and more how horribly LGBTQIA+phobic people are and that would have pushed be further into the closet. i identified at bi when i was 10 because i saw it and because i liked everyone the same, i thought i was, and it was before i saw how bad biphobia could be. seeing all the aphobia as i got older would have had me denying my asexuality more and more, because i know for sure if i had discovered being trans later than i did (13, before i really saw and internalized transphobia) then i would have internalized it and never came to terms with it.

sorry for all the long paragraphs, i like to jabber ahaha, sorry if anything is worded poorly. i’m terrible at wording.

thank you for having a very civilized debate with me btw!! i’m kinda out of spoons right now after writing all this so if you respond i might reply tomorrow! or the day after tomorrow cuz i gotta dogsit tomorrow and that might take up all my energy. i say that because i might still be reblogging things, just to tired to have discussions. y’know?

have a nice night btw!

#for the heterosexual/biromantic thing:#i choose that one specifically because i'm 75% sure my asexuality is trauma related #so sometimes i like to imagine what my orientation would be if i wasn't asexual #and going by my comfort level in situations and general bashfulness around certain people #i'm pretty sure if i weren't asexual i'd be heterosexual/biromantic #and also i labeled myself as that over a year ago when i tried to force myself to not be asexual (plot twist it didn't work)#i just wanted to specify that so it didn't seem like i was pulling the 'mythical bihet u aceys love to compare to'#cuz i've seen that response a lot #replies #long post #idk how.. to tag this #general trigger warning?? it's past my bed time i kind've forgotten some of what i've spoken about

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365daysof2017 · 7 years

Text

50/365

Dear tumblr,

I’m gonna start off my posts like this. Hi it’s me. Ash. I’m back. Sorry I didn’t post much last January but you know me, I get lazy, and I procrastinate. I’m just gonna continue where I left off with my previous blog, 366daysof2016, though, I still can’t process that it’s already 2017.

So how am I? Great. Honestly, not. Life is really really really complicated. It’s probably really simple, just me making things complicated, I don’t know.

I actually have been worse. I thought I’ve already moved on from David. You see, I told myself that I already need to forget him and all, and I actually did. I met some guys on kik, some lasted on my chatbox, and some didn’t, but everything seemed okay. Everything seemed okay. Then for some reasons, I started cutting my wrist. I have plans to do it again sometime but, I can still hold it.

Okay back to the “David” topic. Everything keeps coming back and it was really hard for me cause I don’t have any space in my mind to think about him. I’m already thinking about a shit ton of crap in my head, and I don’t want to think about him anymore. I thought I already forgot about him. But everything keeps coming back.

So this one day, last Saturday, we went to an Amusement Park. Nothing connected to him at all. I had so much fun! I got home at around 11PM. Then I had a fucking dream.

It’s the worst type of dream, cause I was lucid. I’m always lucid when I dream about him, so it makes it even harder. In my dreame, he went to the Phillipines, he apologized. He did everything. I already kinda forgot, but one thing I remember is that it was fun. I had fun. I was happy.

The morning after, I realized how important he was to me, god I was thinking about him the whole fucking day! How I was so happy with him, how he made me feel special... The whole fucking day.

At around 10PM, I was on kik, just randomly flirting with strangers online. I did something impulsive. I messaged him.

me: dude me: I fucking hate you so much me: I wasn’t done with you yet and you fucking blocked me. So here’s the time where I was supposed to reply another message cause I was gonna flood him with hate messages, but he fucking replied. Instantly. I didn’t expect that. He never replies fast.

David: Ok. me: You fucking left me hanging David: Yea David: I suppose so me: You even called the night before you blocked me! me: what me: that’s it David: I’m sorry me: no explanation or anything David: I dont know what to say me: right me: just fucking say something please

Oh god I was so annoyed and so pissed and so nervous I felt everything at once. He didn’t even say anything. I wanted to hear something from him. I wanted an explanation. That was the only thing I needed to move on and yet he couldn’t give it to me.

David: I just David: Idk I got caught up with the army David: And I was afraid I’d hurt you David: So I ran from the situation David: Which still hurt you but atleast left room for hate me: and went to her instead me: yup

Ohhh shit put an ice to that burn, bitch.

David: Lol I’m not dating anyone so don’t try that

Uhm excuse me? Don’t you think I know anything you’ve been up to? Man I know everything. I have eyes everywhere. Everywhere. It’s kinda creepy, tbh.

me: lmaooooo me: songia??? David: Go look at my stuff David: Not dating anyone David: In fact we broke up and I slept with someone else and now we don’t talk at all First thing that came up to my mind: He’s not a virgin anymore. LMAOO.

David: So that’s that sticky situation I wasted 2 years on

Ha. Sticky. Cause you slept with someone? LMAO OKAY. me: right me: fuck me: its been months me: and its still you me: fuck you okay David: What do you mean me

Dumb-fucking-ass?? Are you that ignorant? or are you just dumb???

me: I hate you so much me: you’re still the one I remember David: Okay I expect that me: I keep having dreams

(lmao why did I say that?)

David: I’m sorry David: I dont know what to say or do me: and its fucking annoying me: its so hard to forget you me: I keep getting these dreams me: and it just made me remember you even more David: Sorry David: I don’t know what to say

ikr, it’s not like it’s your fault I get the dreams??

me: why did you just block me though me: why didn’t you atleast say something David: Trying to run again David: Realized it’s not the right thing to do David: I don’t have anything to say David: You’re right I shouldn’t have left you hanging David: It was wrong of me David: I thought about it too David: I felt bad David: But I couldn’t face it me: fuck you for leaving me when I already fell for you. me: you even said you’re gonna go here me: ugh David: Fuck me David: Okay I get it David: You hate me David: I’m shit David: Leave me alone if that’s all you want to say

Seriously dude, do you really not sense my purpose here? I want you back.

me: I just wanted an explanation lol me: and I didn’t want you to leave me: those were the words you said and I can’t believe I’m saying it me: I don’t want you to leave me alone

So that’s it that’s the serious part. The next part of our conversation wasn’t as long as this one but we were just bantering around. I don’t think he’s as comfortable with me as he was before but I feel like there’s still something.

I just feel so confused about my feelings for him, confused about what we are, confused about what he feels for me. Last Friday, he sent me a message, and I was in school

9:51 AM David: Hey David: You busy?

So I read it during my lunch time cause we were doing something

11:39 AM me: I’m in school

1:42 PM David: Call me after

2:32 PM me: I can’t I have like 100MB left

9:43 PM David: Ughh David: Noooo David: When do you get more David: You are legit so cute David: In your picture David: And your body looks good lol David: JUST SAYING.

I wasn’t able to reply cause I was watching this Selena Gomez film, Monte Carlo. It was really nice btw, I loved it.

11:00 PM me: LMAOOO me: I’m home now it’s like 11 David: What lol. David: I know, I know David: Why you laugh. me: idk me: whats up David: Laying in bed being lazy David: Hbu Piper

Fuck. Right in the feels. So much nostalgia. Piper’s the daughter of Aphrodite in the series that we love, he used to call me Piper, and I told him if I’m Piper then he’s the Jason to my Piper. (Jason’s the love interest of Piper in the books)

me: I just finished watching a movie me: and it was greatttt I loved it David: What movie? David: *sends a cute selfie* David: Lol look @ me

okay so I totally forgot that he asked a question cause a cute fucking selfie just popped in my screen.

me: you look different David: Do I? David: How so?? David: Bad huh David: Thanks I’m ugly ik me: yeah idk me: you look happy me: no wdym ugly David: I am ugly David: You making fun of me lol David: Thanks me: wtf you’re not ugly shut up me: what time is it there me: and where are you David: I’m in kentucky US David: And it is 0912 there!

Idk that’s probably how they read time in the army

David: Girl you’re obsessed David: Lmao jkjk me: ruuude David: No me: Kentucky though me: KFC David: I like you dw

okay... fuck... that was sudden. I mean, good job! That’s a great way to make me even more confused about what’s happening here!

me: ha David: Yes lmao! David: It’s not that good David: I figured it would be the best here David: But it’s the same as everywhere else me: really? me: that’s sad David: It’s nothing special David: Send me a selfie? me: I dont have a selfie me: jk David: Send me one David: Now David: I order you me: dude me: chill David: Lol nope I wanna seee youuuu me: I’m still looking for something decent David: Send them all David: Right meow me: *sends a selfie* me: tada me: I like that one lmao me: hoe filter me: I got more pimples me: smhhhh me: *sends another selfie* me: and one time my hair became like this hahah David: Fucking cute David: Is that overalls lol me: yes hahah

Then he left me on read. But because I’m a creepy-ass stalker that knows his facebook account, I saw his post that he shared. The post said, “I like clingy. I’d rather have someone who blows up my phone and shows they care than someone who texts back 12 hours later” So I messaged him this morning. I didn’t care if I double texted.

me: dude me: when are you free David: Not tonight, I don’t think me: aw but when David: Idk I’m with jocelyn rn

Who’s Jocelyn???

me: ohh okay me: tell me when you’re available David: Okay

So that was it. I notice that I keep on using the word ‘dude’. Idk what to call him?? Maybe I’ll refer to him as Jason soon. Back to his facebook though, he also shared a post that said, “I blocked my ex on everything but she somehow managed to message me through direct tv *a pic of that*”.. Well.. Was that me? Lol. I dont know!! Someone commented though, “Man, if she goes through that much trouble to try to talk to you I would have to give her a second chance haha” then he replied, “that’s true hahah” UGH ITS JUST SO CONFUSING. So that’s all I have to say about him.

Now I’m here typing this blog. I don’t know, I just wanna talk to him, on the phone. Maybe that’d clear things up, but for now, I never think about our future. I don’t wanna think about the next step, cause when it doesn’t happen, I’m just gonna be twice disappointed.

This was really a long first blogpost. See ya next time.

Love, Ash

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