#im an envi sci major

[thiefnessman]

this show is going to make me research Japanese and western Pacific geology and geography bc it is obvious a great influence on the worldbuilding even if unconsciously

#also that kind of stuff is an area idk much about bc theres little to no volcanic and tectonic activity here #my area of 'expertise' is primarily glacial #partially bc glacial activity created much of the landscape here but also bc it's the Big Thing considering #im an envi sci major

[beacon-lamp]

i can't believe you're not in favor of anarchy smh what would technoblade say

ok look anon the way i see it:

if we Establish a Central Government in Act I

this opens up the room for an Assassination/Rebellion storyline in Act II

leading to the ultimate finale which is the Inevitable Descent Into Chaos in Act III.

newton’s 1st law of motion: an object at rest will stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced outside force.  we already have Anarchy on this hell site.  it’s nothing new.  but the results of this election could potentially be this Outside Force.  

i wanna see some chaos people.  

and i think technoblade would be in favor of that.

#up next we have beacon attempting to apply michaelis-menten kinetics to mcytblr #look i saw quara apply her envi-sci major to the mycelium resistance and im doing the same thing #well no not really this is AP physics at most lolll #anon #ty for the askkk :) #Anonymous #mcytblr #mcyt #mcytblr election

[flyingcookierambles]

wittwe muwues

jgriohagorhbiorghfvhgifvoghf ano really tho this is a gonna be a rambling weird gender shit post i just wanted to have a stupid name ghriohaguohguovhoge ok under the cut if you wanna read if not just move along bye lol

ok disclaimer on gender swap/genderbends, stuff like that

personally i am the person on the right of this post that doesn’t mind rule 63 of the internet its a good post that explains how some ppl may be ok with this trope and some are not

also more nuanced post explaining how genderswap/genderbends can be transphobic if not done well, etc.

anyways!

ive realized that in hindsight maybe i shouldve realized that i was not cis sooner bc i was always drawn to female/afab characters that crossdressed or hid their gender such as:

haruhi from ouran

mulan

haru from aoharu x kikanjuu that really edgy anime about some japanese ppl who have local bb gun tournaments in the woods, etc.

jackie faber, a girl who for various reasons disguises herself as a boy and sneaks onto a british navy ship

also altho it was minor and she wasn’t doing it in real life, moriko morioka from mmo junkie played her mmo with a male avatar

also not cross dressing or anything, but i was very interested by gender bends of characters and especially love the fiona and cake episodes of adventure time

alex dragalia lost (she doesn’t hide her gender or crossdress or anything, but she is very androgynous and i love her)

i guess that, much like how i never referred to myself with feminine terms or with she/her pronouns when thinking of myself, on some subconsciousness level,  related to/with or wanted to be like them in the way that they were able to physically pass as male or be at least gender ambiguous. in hindsight, i probably was experiencing some major gender envy or something.

anywyas uwuwuuwuwuwuwu i wish that shapeshifting or devil fruit powers like iva’s (instant magical hrt via control of hormones) were real so i (and all other trans/gnc ppl can just instantly get the types of bodies that we want and can just change them any time or day and stuff like uuu that’d be so cool

maybe thats also why sci-fi things like altered carbon and ghost in the shell also appeal to me. like. if you have enough money, just. make your own android body and put your brain in it. discard your former useless flesh prison.

anyways ill probs make some meme with more recent characters that are like. gender envy. to me lol. more recently its just. like. androgynous boys. lol. like. mascula, summer norwin, vice, and delphi from dragalia lost. albedo from genshin. just. short king representation. love to see it lol.

(ironically, despite being a short person irl and i guess wanting to look like a short androgynous monarch of some kind, my ffxiv avatar is just. tall. tall man. tall lizard au ra manly man. fjrhiaoghreogiheriogheiohfg lol i couldve picked an average or slightly smaller than average cat man avatar but no. i want to be tall. playing ffxiv and having basically all the other scions look up to me in cutscenes bc they’re all not male au ra and im literally the physically tallest person in the room (other than urianger ig lol) gives me some small joy in my heart daily lololol)

#weird gender shit #lol

[bluegrowlmon]

senior faculty naquet was tongiht, senior eat w profs, toast retiring teachers hand out awards per department. me + other 3 envi sci majors + prof got a corner booth it was nice

and i got something?? the Biology Faculty Award, which - im honestly having a hard time processing, trying not to break out into very confused tears over. its not a super big deal I’m just confused, there are a lot of bio majors it should have gone to i dont know why i got it, besides being on good terms with some of the professors. im very confused 

[imstunning]

hi! i know youve done a double major thing with english and film and i wanted to ask how the experience is and also how is it doing your degree in film? like did you have a lot of experience in that before you decided to study it? im considering a double major in envi sci and film somehow but im nervous to do it without asking someone about film, which i rlly love but dont know as much as i think i should. any advice would be so gr8 thank u⭐️

Ok so I had ABSOLUTELY Z E RO experience in film and I decided to transfer schools and change majors on such a whim I was extremely depressed and somehow came to this realization I wanted to be a screenwriter so I double majored in English and film. About two years into my film degree and having almost finished my English degree I realized I had zero interest in writing anymore actually wanted to do documentary things and for a long time I was afraid of not having any experience but my school is actually one of the best film schools in the world like legit and not a lot of people know that (there are lists out there that make these claims like I think the nyt or something make a best film school list) and we have this class that after taking it you express interest they'll ask like one or two students a semester to apply for a grant to work through it and it's like an internship but way better and we work through the city of Milwaukee (I live in Milwaukee I got to uw Milwaukee) doing social justice videos and local events (I filmed and edited a video for pridefest this year and I just finished another video for Milwaukee pride) and local music documentaries (I made one last year and working on another one now) amazingly I got asked and started working for them a year ago which had gotten me A TON of experience and has increased my skills immensely and I'm now starting to make like connections with people outside of school and like kind of getting my own clients (kind of) So short answer no I had no experience but now I have quite a bit lmao sorry for the longest answer ever

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

#blathering