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jess-oh · 5 years

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Reflection

Hey journal!

i have a lot of thoughts on my mind right now and i think just venting to my journal would be the best course of action i can take.

i’ve been pretty paranoid recently and believing that if i can’t live up to people’s expectations of me then i’m essentially worthless. if im not the happy-go-lucky, energetic, bubbly, happy person that i usually am, then who am i? what purpose do i serve? what could i possibly give? im honestly pretty miserable right now and I just really need God to come and take over because I can’t do this by myself. I know logically that I’ve gotten so much better and I’ve been much better at resting and taking care of myself and standing up for myself and doing all of these things that I was once incapable of but I still feel like it was all for nothing. Because ultimately, I feel like I’m back in square one. I don’t want to tell anyone how im feeling bc I’m too afraid to. Too afraid I’ll just be judged or that I’m just overthinking things or not giving the best response or serving to the best of my abilities. I’ve been resting a lot more recently—even though my schedule doesn’t seem like it. I’ve been letting go a lot more around other people, especially at church, and just trying to enjoy life and not take it so seriously. But because I’m resting, I feel 20x more paranoid that I’m not doing enough. That I’m not saying the right words or being as attentive or intentional as I could be because I decided to take it easier. I know logically that I’m hard on myself but it is really hard for me to see the line between being too hard on myself to the point of toxicity and im just beating myself up and pushing myself to do better and not just sit back and relax when i am more than capable of standing up and taking action.

i have definitely allowed positive words from those around me to get into my head in a negative way. my pride has exploded exponentially and it has become a lot more about me meeting the expectations of others more than doing it bc i want to. i used to train to northwestern to go to church all the time because i was determined to go to church bc i was committed to it no matter what the cost to myself. It wasn’t even a question or an option for me to not go or make an excuse as to why i could no longer attend. I was committed. And I did it without question. And I was genuinely grateful every time someone was willing to drive me to the train station and even moreso all the way home. I was genuinely so shocked when Seung so genuinely wanted to drive me home from Moody the other day that I nearly cried. I used to be that grateful but because they’ve been so willing, I’ve started taking it for granted and expected them to do so. I feel like they’re being selfish when they would rather just go home than to give me a ride back to my place when I should be grateful they’re willing to drive me anywhere at all. I do my best not to assume they’ll be there for me because I don’t want to take them for granted but in reality, I already have. Amanda hasn’t been driven home nearly as often as I have and admittedly, I’ve been bitter when she insisted that Johnathan not drive us home when I much would have rather preferred that he did. Especially since he was willing to. But I want to have that heart of gratitude again like Amanda and be shocked when they are willing to do so. Not because my faith in their willingness is so little but because I’m surprised they would willingly take the time and money and energy to make sure we get home safe and sound.

Honestly, I think I’m just really tired. I’m tired because I’m in this weird purgatory/in-between area. I’m too paranoid and afraid to place all my trust in the people at church and as a result, I feel alone and yearn for those relationships and trust and rest. I’ve been giving so much to them and I don’t want to blame them for why I feel alone because they’re understandably students as well and have their own issues going on but I’m tired of trying to give so much to them and not receiving it in return. But that’s also partially my own fault for not being more intentional with them. I have admittedly been seeing my servantship on MAST as more of a job/responsibility than as a means to really love my community and invest into them as individuals with unique stories. I’ve been meeting up with people and chatting them and tagging them in posts to build our relationship so that I can be a good servant but not necessarily because I care so deeply about them. And I definitely need to change that mindset. I can be bitter and blame them and say it’s all their fault that I’m not close with them. They’re not open with me, they don’t do this or they don’t do that. And maybe they could be more open. But I could also be more genuine and honest and intentional and that is something I’ve been lacking in.

I think I’m also just too afraid to trust anyone else because I am paranoid of being hurt or betrayed again. I don’t want to let people in and accept and trust their kindness and generosity only to be stabbed so deeply in the back or the front once more. I felt betrayed by James. I felt betrayed by Anela and Justin and Jasmine. And I don’t want to feel betrayed again. To trust someone and so violently be mistaken and hurt as a result.

Subconsciously, I purposefully made my schedule super busy this week because I needed to be busy to feel worthwhile. To feel like I’m not just a waste of space. To prove that it wasn’t just a mistake to give birth to me. My anxiety and paranoia has definitely been acting up a lot more recently. I even considered self harming again Thursday night. I just felt so alone and worthless and like a waste of time, space, energy, and money. I’m not worth investing into. I was so surprised when Christina, Jush, and Amy were actually so genuinely glad to see me and wanted to talk to me specifically. I was so surprised at their attentiveness and willingness to listen. I didn’t feel like I was talking too much about myself or being too selfish or too loud. I know that I overthink things a lot and overreact to small situations and take things too personally when they aren’t mean to. But it also doesn’t change how I feel.

I just argued with Jason. Again. And I really wanted to lash back at him and become really defensive but I thought it’d be better to take a deep breath and actually try and understand where he’s coming from and why he felt upset. And it helped. It did. And he mentioned how I can’t expect to be kind to myself if I can’t accept it from others. I don’t think I deserve kindness a lot of the times because I view myself in such a negative light. But I think viewing myself so harshly and holding myself to such unbelievably high expectations is doing a huge disservice to God. I’m saying His creation isn’t beautiful enough, isn’t good enough, isn’t smart enough, isn’t strong enough, and so on so forth. Who am I to say His creation is none of those things when He believes that it is?

I want to serve the graduates to the best of my abilities before my time with them ends. I want to serve the new additions to MAST as best as I can before my time runs out with them. But I can’t do any of this if I myself am unwell. I can’t be a dentist with bad teeth. It’s better to take a short break now and realign and reassess my priorities so that I can best serve them with hope, energy, and drive than to try and try and try to give all I have left and exhaust myself dry and give them half of what I could because I’m too tired to give my all. And that is definitely something I need to realize and learn. I need to learn to actually rest and let go and trust that it will all turn out okay because my life is not my own but is God’s alone. My parents can say that I’m too lazy and should be more productive and do this and that but ultimately, the only one who can define me is God. So this is what I shall do. Amen.

#reflection

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felinevomitus · 7 years

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The Problem With Laptops: Forrest & Dunning Interviewed

Michael Forrest, photo by Mat Smith.

Michael Forrest is a London-based musician working in the fringes of popular music. Forrest’s background in physics and early exposure to computers led to a career in app development, but also fed into his comprehensive understanding of music technology. His practice involves writing electronic music with a popular appeal, which nevertheless compounds in complexity, as it is often reliant on Forrest learning new tools, and “usually comes across as ‘experimental’ sounding to most people”. His methodical approach to making music is also reflected in his visual art and video works.

Graham Dunning is a sound artist, musician and educator whose work primarily focuses on the tactile qualities of carrier formats. In Dunning’s hands vinyl records become materials for collage, techno is composed by mechanical means and memories are given license to haunt the artist’s archive. Dunning has performed and exhibited work in the UK, Europe, USA and New Zealand and is currently artist in residence at Galerie Paradise, Nantes.

Recently, Forrest and Dunning have collaborated together on a music video, Computer Screen – Mechanical Techno Remix, that meticulously reveals the process behind Dunning’s Mechanical Techno project. This approach is hardly surprising as both artists are vehemently against using laptops in their own live performances. In fact, back in May, Forrest released the first episode of his Leaving The Laptop web series, which explores the culture behind live electronic music performance. You can watch both videos below, but not before you read our interview with the artists.

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IKLECTIK: Who came up with the idea of illustrating Graham’s process?

Graham Dunning: Michael asked me to do a remix of one of his tunes, Computer Screen, and we thought it’d be good to do a ‘making of’ type video, as the mechanical techno setup is so visual. I had originally thought it would be a fairly straightforward documentation type thing, but it quickly grew into a much bigger project once we started bouncing ideas around.

Was there a reason for going down the DIY cut-and-paste route?

GD: We spent a day working in the studio together with me making the music and Michael orchestrating the filming. The process for me relies on improvisation. It’s important for me that the mixdown is done live and without any edits or overdubs, it’s a physical remix in the strict tradition of a dub version. We recorded several takes of the remix and settled on this version as the best one. Unfortunately, it was over nine minutes long, which meant Michael had a big challenge to make a video to hold people’s attention for that long.

Michael Forrest: Graham’s studio was a little confined, so we couldn’t get any good wide shots! Without an establishing shot it was hard to get any context for all the close-up macro shots, so I had to resort to these diagrams.

Graham Dunning, photo by Julien Kerduff.

GD: We discussed various ways of visualising the setup of the gear, and went through different iterations of how it would look: the DIY corkboard thing seemed to make sense with the overall feel of the project. Michel did all the work animating and filming the cutaways.

MF: I experimented with computer graphics but that wasn’t really in the spirit of Graham’s work, so I printed things on paper and shot everything on a cork board in my studio. It was about mid-way through editing that I realised I had to start on the diagrams to make the pacing work. It really wasn’t planned that way from the start, other than wanting to make it a bit Wes Anderson, with everything being neat and orthogonal, which is definitely not what we ended up with!

How long did it take to make? GD: Michael worked on it full time for about three weeks. I occasionally hung around making annoying comments and fiddling with things on his shelves.

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Can you talk us through the production process and all those trippy visuals that segue between scenes?

MF: First we shot the remix itself on a few different cameras. We had an iPhone and a GoPro suspended above Graham’s rig. I followed the action on my DSLR, with a macro lens, as Graham performed the track. We did a few takes but most of the footage is from the real performance.

I did an initial edit the first week and brought it back to Graham’s studio. Once there, we took some pictures of each object in isolation, without being necessarily clear on how that would be used.

GD: The trippy visuals are from a 90s vision mixer. It has several quite cheesy effects, but you can also force it to feedback which gives all kinds of odd rainbow patterns. We did a few takes with us both live tweaking, playing the original footage into one channel with feedback on the other channel. It’s something I use in some of my own videos and, to some extent, the same approach I use for live visuals, so it made sense for the video. Kind of a visual equivalent to the audio mixing process.

Have you thought or talked about collaborating in a live AV setting, with Graham on machines and Michael on visuals?

MF: Not really. I’m too fixated on my own music! I don’t really think Graham’s setup needs to be augmented with abstract visuals though. He’s doing nicely pointing CCTV cameras at the rig, which seems more than enough to me. Just letting people get a look at what’s going on is all that’s needed, in my opinion. It all speaks for itself.

GD: I think each of us is a kind of one-man band. We’re both happy to try and do everything all at once!

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Michael, regarding your Problem With Laptops video, I get the overbearing sense that you’re being a touch ironic. Am I correct?

MF: Of course, I would be completely lost without my laptop in most situations. It’s the lynchpin of just about everything I do. I’m reacting to the fact that I’ve felt confined to a laptop screen for years and years to do anything, but now technology has reached the point where I’ve been able to free myself from the laptop when playing live music.

I made the video to set the stage for a series which shares some of my experiences using alternatives over the last few years, but it’s not particularly easy yet, so I wanted to release a ‘manifesto’ first and I may have over-egged it a little.

What has the reaction to the laptop video been like so far? The discussions I’ve seen have been overwhelmingly positive and constructive. A lot of people take issue with my hardline, but I think they can understand why. It’s sparked a lot of debate. Earlier cuts were a lot more adversarial, but I’m glad the final cut had enough humour and empathy that nobody took it too personally.

Have the YouTube trolls managed to sway your opinions regarding laptops in electronic music?

MF: Honestly, I haven’t had any real trolling at all on this so far! The worst I’ve seen is a dismissive attitude from one or two people. I am not really swayed at all. I’ve been laptop-free in my live sets for at least five years, so my attitude is deeply rooted. Before that, I had spent a lot of energy and programming skills trying to get a laptop to behave the way I wanted it to. I’m in no hurry to return to that. I’ve been focused on the needs of my own particular music though so maybe the people who say “I can’t play my music without a laptop” will turn out to be right, but I take that as a challenge more than a reason to retreat.

What’s next in your series on live electronic music?

MF: I just need to get into the nitty gritty of the alternatives. I’m going to be talking about iPads, Volcas, OctaTracks, modular synths, PO-12s, DJ hardware and things like that, as well as some custom Arduino ideas. I have a little Arduino setup, which makes my OctaTrack control the stage lighting.

I also want to get a series on live streaming started. I was going to do that before anything else, but the response to this video has been so strong that my subscribers might be disappointed if I make them wait too long!

Michael Forrest’s ‘Computer Screen’ single is out now via Bandcamp. Keep up to date with his activities here. Graham Dunning is exhibiting at Global Forrest 2017, in Sankt Georgen im Schwarzwald, Germany until December. You can find out more about Dunning from his website.

Ilia Rogatchevski Originally published by IKLECTIK, 14 July 2017

#the problem with laptops #electronic music #mechanical techno #graham dunning #michael forrest

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while.

um. i think i like jason. and im so conflicted. i think that’s why i keep thinking im crossing a line. bc i just care so much for him and genuinely want the best for him and i thought i was just being a good friend at first but he’s going through a pretty rough time and i just want to be there for him. and i am so quick to drop whatever im doing for his benefit and i do have a really good time with him but i also know he’s dating angela and i want to respect that bc of the relationship and bc they’re both my friends. and i have imagined myself going out with david as well but i can definitely more easily talk to him as a friend whereas i have a hard time even looking at jason bc i do think hes very physically attractive. i think i am very much in love with him bc hes such a good person and i know he deserves so much. and i think that’s why ive been so judgmental of angela lately and believing they wont last. bc i want to be dating him instead. but i definitely dont want to overstep anything. but hes always so quick to listen, so selfless, humble, caring, kind, generous, compassionate, and most of all—genuine. and i really just want the best for him. but i do think him and angela are trying really hard to make this work and i know that they both thought a lot about it. i found out he, along with james and moonhee, felt overprotective of angela bc she’s never been in a relationship and it hasnt been that long since he broke up with jiwoon. but she seemed pretty eager and wanted to do it and he liked her first so they went for it and i am happy for them. and i dont want to ruin that. that’ll just create unnecessary drama and no one needs that. especially not in a church environment. i just want the best for them both. honestly. and i have to accept that that might not include me. but i just get really happy when i see him happy or excited and doing well. i really really do care about him. i do. and we’ll just see what happens from here. i do want to get closer to him as a friend and thats honestly part of the reason why i want to stay in chicago so that i’ll have that opportunity. and i know it’s so dumb and i shouldnt base my decision off of that but i do really like him and want to grow closer to him. hes a really great friend of mine and i hate how awkward we are on long drives home sometimes. i just want him to know that im there for him and always will be bc i care so deeply and genuinely for him. really. ive really loved being ableot help him out and chat more with him recently. i love getting to know him more. i really do. and ive been pretty distracted recently and havent been talking much with andrew but im hoping that we can tonight and i can tell him all about this and get his opinion. i think, especially with the past few weeks, we’ve both been pretty busy. especially me. and i’ve been really MIA as a result. so im pretty out of the loop and havent been paying much attention to him or sofia. and i’d be lying if i said i wasnt still a little salty with the whole bobby thing but im trying to just let it go and not let it affect the present. i was just really turned off by their attitudes toward the whole situation. anyways, i do miss talking to him bc it has been a while and i am hoping we can have a really long talk again. just about different things. not necessarily deep and intimate and emotional things but just to carry a conversation for hours between the two of us.

that’s another thing. ive been scolding jason a lot lately and i think it’s bc i like him. it’s a “im mean to the people i love” kinda thing. i think i’ve also been kinda scared to face it so thats been my coping mechanism against it.

and i know that ive been quick to judge jason and angela in the past. theyre supposed to be these great figures and leaders for Movement so whenever they didnt do something—go to an event, sign up to read the Bible, etc. I judged them negatively for it. I thought they weren’t doing a good enough job and failed to see them as humans and students. just because thats the culture that i grew up with doesnt mean they did as well. it was probably more chill and laid back. they werent held to such high expectations.

but i do wish i could go home. i am pretty homesick and i do want to rest back in california but i also know how expensive it is to be paying for an apartment that i dont live in. and i know that i’ll be refueled by Christ if I do go back home but im also kinda scared to return to Sa-Rang. I don’t think I’m in a place that’s strong enough yet to stand my ground against everyone. i think most people grew up super sheltered there and are pretty quick to judge those that have been in that “worldly” lifestyle. their problems were never about addiction. it was about family or friends or trying not to fall to that lifestyle but never actually experiencing it. and i have struggled with alcohol and depression and suicidal thoughts and it wasnt always so surface level. people there have no idea how easy their lives are. how could they ever really understand the struggle if they have never experienced it? and im afraid that i’ll be even more ostracized bc they dont understand my struggles. i feel like whenever i’ve come to an upperclassman for help, they didnt know what to tell me. i see how loving and supportive they can be in other situations and thats great and im happy for them but they could never understand my problems. i feel like those that do fall into depression tend to take time to themselves by temporarily leaving the church until theyre ready to come back and thats the situation im in too. and im not ready yet. so for now, im too afraid to go back to that church. not now. not like this. and im so conflicted bc it is always so nice to be around other people that had a similar upbringing to myself and away from the culture at school where no one really understands chopsticks or the commonality of eating rice everyday. it’s not normal for them but it is for me and i do want to be around other people that share my similar interests bc thats not something i get at school. i think it’s really important for me to grow up around other people that i can relate to and especially at columbia, i dont get that. the only koreans ive met have been dana, who is half korean, and 3 international students. ive meet 3 more chinese international students. 1 japanese international student. and the members of ASO, and im rounding to about 10 people. im usually the only asian or colored person in general. if im not, theres 1 other black person. if im not the only asian, which has only happened twice, then theres 1 more. the korean international students in my ITM class and Anushka, the Indian girl from Graphic Design II. im so whitewashed bc thats the community i grew up in. my parents never spoke korean to me growing up so i lost it. and i miss it. a lot. it’s a lost art that i would love to regain. and i miss it a lot too. i am all for diverse churches and i dont think they should be so exclusive to one particular culture. but i cant help feeling more at home and comfortable in predominantly korean environments bc thats never something that i had access to growing up.

sigh. but yeah. i do miss california. i would love to be with and hangout with my friends and family. i really would. and i miss them a lot. and i love them a lot. and i would give so much just to be home with them. but from a financial standpoint, especially right now, it just doesnt make a lot of sense. i would have to sleep on my parents’ floor. i wouldnt have access to water or gas. i wouldnt be able to go downstairs or cook. i wouldnt have a summer job nor would i be gaining any work experience for the future. it’d be pretty pointless. but i would be home. i would be able to spend time with my grandparents. i would be able to go out on dates with my family and friends. and i would be at home. yes, i wouldnt have a job. yes, it’d be a waste of money to pay for an empty apartment in chicago. yes, i would be burning through my saved money fast whenever i go out. but i would be home. and that almost seems worth it. so i kinda hope i dont get the internship, i know my interview went super well and i know i for sure got it. but i hope i didnt. bc then i’ll know it’s a sign from God, telling me to go home. Because I would really love to.

i also dont know if i wrote about this but im getting to be on better terms with p josh and im glad. im pretty open with him, though i am still a bit afraid at times. but i am excited to grow alongside him this coming year. i really am.

#reflection

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

I really need to do my dishes and clean my room before Emily comes back tomorrow night... T 0 T

so. Yesterday.

a lot happened yesterday. a lot happened all last week. I was feeling really depressed but instead of trying to ask for help, I decided to push people away and suffer alone. I believed that no one was there for me and was honestly aching for love and affection and acceptance. And every time I would message someone for help, I could never fully bring myself to disclose all my past feelings to them. I actually even almost backed out webcamming with my sister but I am so unbelievably glad that we could talk. We talked in the Sky Lounge and she was able to give me a rundown on everything that’s been going on in her life recently. And I was happy to be there for her. And then she asked how I was doing and knowing full well that I needed help, I started to share about how shitty my week was. I was literally the crying in a pool of tears meme. I was in so much pain and felt so alone and felt like I had to carry all this weight by myself. And she showed me that she is there for me. Yes, we’ve fought so much in the past and no, we haven’t always gotten along. But in that moment, she really cared for me. She did. She listened attentively and gave me her undivided attention and provided me with advice as I just vented about everything that had happened along with all my concerns and worries. And I started crying. Hardcore. And whenever I tried to talk about our dad’s mom, I would choke up at the thought that she might not make it until I come back. And that’s a really heartbreaking feeling to have. Because it just makes you feel so unbelievably helpless. There’s literally nothing that I can do. And it just reminds me about how desperate and helpless I felt last year when Genie passed away, and Calvin BGN passed away, and my mom’s dad had to get surgery on his prostate, and my dad’s mom’s parkinson’s was getting worse. and honestly, it was unbelievably painful. and it was 10x worse last year bc i really didnt have anyone. and now i do and thats great but it’s just a reminder of how helpless i am. i am so Type A and have this need to be in control which isn’t necessarily a terrible thing to be. But it really sucks when I really am put into a position where there is nothing that I can do to prevent my grandma’s health from worsening. Or from her passing away and I’m just out here in Chicago, unable to do a thing. And it really really breaks my heart.

But my sister just comforted me as I sobbed in the lounge and reassured me that she is there for me and told me about how grandma wouldn’t want me to be sad and told me how i have to understand that there’s nothing i can do. and that can’t be helped. and it made me feel so much better.

and then she left and my mom and dad talked to me and we just caught up on everything and i decided to be really honest and they showed me that even though they don’t always show it, they still really care for me to and are always so concerned for my wellbeing. And my dad kept trying to tell me that he doesn’t want me to be “too responsible” and worry about money and I kept kinda brushing it off because I do want to help out as much as I can. But it was nice to know that they are in a more financially stable situation now. And that if need be, I don’t have to starve. They want me to be healthy and have the luxury of eating everyday. And that was really reassuring.

I debated on not going to church today but knew that I owed it to Dana to go. So we went. And it was nice. I wasn’t as outgoing as I could’ve been but I did try and make sure that Dana didn’t ever feel alone. And we were able to talk in the van on the way back and she opened up to me and even went so far as to invite me to her dorm later so that she could vent about other things. And I do want to hear her honest opinion on church. I know it wasn’t really a “CHOOSE LORD AS YOUR SAVIOR TODAY” kind of service but I still want to see how she felt. Maybe she was encouraged to want to go again. Maybe she felt too much like an outsider and doesn’t want to return. I definitely think people could’ve done a better job at welcoming her into the family. And that’s partly my fault too for not making more of an effort to introduce her to everyone. But I am glad that she did get the opportunity to meet new people. And I do hope she wants to go again. If not for the community, then to make an honest attempt in living a Christ-like life. I tried to not focus on Dana’s presence during the service today in an attempt to influence her in the same way that Esther first influenced me. And honestly, it worked. Kind of. I don’t know how Dana felt about it. But I was able to block her out of my mind and just really focus on the words and the joy that it brought me. So I’m hoping that in doing that, I was able to influence her in a positive way. And plus, I guess when she told Sharlene and Mulan that she was going to church, it started a conversation between the two of them. which turned into more of an argument but not in the bad way. it was just bc mulan wanted a clear cut answer and sharlene couldnt give it to her bc it’s different for every person. im going over to dana’s later today so i’ll probably do my best to talk about my views on christianity and faith and all that jazz then with them. im both excited and nervous. im nervous bc it’ll be a lot of weight to carry and i dont want to mess up the gospel but im also excited to be able to openly share who God is in my life and my passion for Him and just to have the chance and opportunity to share the gospel with my friends, people whom i care very deeply about. and i think this is one of the greatest that i can offer someone. so im so excited for that. and maybe it wont work out and maybe i’ll just have to keep trying but, im just so honored and blessed to have been given this opportunity to share at all.

#reflection

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jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

i’m pretty sure im recovering so slowly bc im actually sick.

i’ve been feeling super cold all day which is waay out of character for me, someone who is constantly hot.

but no ac, closed windows, im usually overheating to the point of sweating in 90 degree weather.

but i’ve been so cold not only today but also the past few days. and i think my health has just been decreasing ever since. the first night had a hard time sleeping, i felt an excruciating amount of pain in my mouth. it didn’t hurt as much as my ear but i’d compare it closely to that. and, my brain was just so fucked up. it was the same as when i first started watching izombie and i was absolutely convinced that they were real and going to eat me. and my logical side knew better, knowing that it was just a show and normally, im honestly fine with the show. but on that particular night, it was a living nightmare. and i went through that again my first night after my surgery except this time, it was with sally face. the game, really isn’t even scary or graphically horrifying in the least. but i couldn’t shake the thought. i just

i could not escape my own mental prison. and it was terrible. bc not only did the overwhelming pain keep me up, but also the games my mind was playing on myself.

im still in pain now but im definitely doing better. it’s very similar to how i was doing yesterday, except for the fact that i felt a lot hungrier and colder and weaker. but i am really hoping and praying that i get to sleep better tonight.

this saturday is our class barbecue at ethan’s house and i definitely want to go, if not to just bond with my fellow peers. BUT IM SO SAD THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING :(((( It is day 3 and i still cannot fully close my mouth. my teeth cannot touch each other without my cheeks getting in the way first. anything that i have attempted to chew required my tongue to stand as the middle man in between my teeth. and it’s frustrating!!! but i really really really want to eat good food along with my fellow classmates T 0 T

i’m just really hoping that my mouth doesn’t pose as an issue when i go up to retreat. there is no way that i will not go to retreat. OKAY FUTURE JESSICA? REMEMBER THIS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’RE IN OR HOW MUCH YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CHOSE TO COME HOME SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO SUMMER RETREAT. AND THIS ONE SURGERY IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. DON’T LET IT.

im trying to figure out some last few plans before returning to chitown. i’m still kinda worried about my money but at least im guaranteed a job in the woodshop when i return. and it’ll be a decent paycheck so. i just gotta hope that i have enough money for textbooks and food for the time being. maybe new notebooks but i think im just going to focus on the essentials right now, like food. i kinda don’t want to starve although there will probably be days when i have to. im happy that i decided to take the latter half of august off but the other part of me wishes i decided to keep working so that i wouldn’t have to worry about money so much. i can’t even imagine how stressed i’ll be once i try paying for an apartment with monthly rent. living off of a minimum wage job is tough. i think i’ll definitely have to be willing to get an additional roommate to live with me in my room to lower the cost of living. even if it’s uncomfortable, ~$250 is way better than trying to pay $500 a month. Especially when I have to think about money for projects too.

since i’ve basically been bedridden all day, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i was watching some christmas catcreature videos and i was reminded of the importance of friends and family, i really have loved being back here and imagining a future where i never return to these people and my life in california... it almost seems crazy. i really appreciate my late night trips with david and andrew and i hope we can do them again in the future. it’s honestly been great getting to know my parents and my sister on a deeper level. and i’ve been bonding a lot more with my class at church. and i am really excited to go to our get together. last summer, before i left, things were still pretty toxic. i had to leave but i literally could not handle being stuck in such a toxic environment any longer. and it breaks my heart that jude has to keep going through that. i would’ve lost my mind. literally. i never felt good enough for anyone. and when they shut me out, it just caused me to feel even worse about myself. but since then, so much has changed. and we’ve all matured so so so so much. and that’s honestly really great and i am beyond glad to be able to grow and thrive with these people.

but i have realized that it’s been hard for me to really be open and vocal about my emotions and how i’m feeling. i’ve been pretty good at venting in these blog posts and admittedly, sometimes i felt restricted bc i knew that jeanne and andrew could see these deeply personal words. but knowing that they both kinda gave up on keeping me up allowed me to be more open again. which kinda sucks. bc that means i’m just keeping everything to myself again. and honestly, writing everything down and just brain dumping has been immensely helpful in allowing me to better process my current situation and surroundings. i don’t want to forget these moments or these feelings.

but i also don’t want to shut people out bc i now have this medium where i can just vent and truly express myself. i want to include people in my life still and i think sharing life on such a deep and personal level allows you to become much closer with people. by just talking about everything im going through here... yes, it helps me better understand my current circumstances but it also does not warrant any kind of reward. it’s just me, myself, and i.

i think the reason andrew and i are kinda awkward now is not bc we started hanging out in person. it’s bc i started shutting him off from my deep, personal, and emotional problems. which i’m definitely still struggling with. i am getting better at facing and understanding them but i’m still not done. and i started excluding him from that.

and i’m sorry.

i am.

and i want to get better at this. but i think there’s always a part of me that worries that im expecting too much out of other people and i dont want to be so incredibly dependent again. bc at that time, i basically couldn’t make any decisions on my own. i relied solely on the words of others. primarily anthony’s. and i don’t want to do that again. and i think what andrew and i had for a time worked bc we both felt comfortable enough to vent to each other about our own issues and it was never a one sided thing. and i guess i’m just afraid that it’s going to become that.

#reflection

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