#and that id always feel out of place

[rowanhoney]

.

#idk why I got hooked watching the couples therapy documentary #and it’s so interesting #but now I’m so glad I never let anything get serious that has so far come my way #I’ve had involvements with people and I’ve had my heartbroken aplenty. #but I don’t actually think any of those were losses #and I’m glad I’m picky af #god Pluto rly working hard on my Venus #i don’t think I’ve ever experienced the approach to my birthday with such high self esteem #this time of year usually destroys me #but rn idk i feel like a person who does have so much love and others can actually see it now #I don’t feel so hidden or misunderstood as I used to #and that always brought me such a fear that I would never find the people I want around me #and that id always feel out of place #but I’m feeling good I’m feeling secure!!! #and im so glad I’m picky . I’ve dated too many people who tear me down in the hopes I’d feel too low to leave them #and I’ve had people who I adored or had a really great ongoing rapport with. #who may have understood me fundamentally. but our attitudes were so misaligned and I couldn’t sacrifice my values like that #and also that I tend to attract and be drawn to people with substance abuse struggles when that is my trauma and one thing I cant cope with #im glad I’m a deeply reflective person and i understand myself and my situations so well actually #thinking again how I’ve seen friends in either unhealthy or senseless relationships and i just #am so grateful for my own strengths fr fr

[neechees]

In addition to a large number of other reasons, I just dont really see the point of getting a driver's license unless I already have a car, and I dont see the point in getting a car because thats just another unneccesary expense that I don't have money for to not only buy, but to upkeep (and I know NOTHING about mechanics or car upkeep and I have no interest in learning), and that'd I'd be adding to my life.

But it's also just very weird that people act like you can't be a "real adult" if you don't drive. I am an adult, and it's my adult decision to not drive. Maybe I will in the future but that's my business. If I wanted to, I would learn. But I dont want to.

#i feel like i dont tend to go places enough that i cant just get other people to drive me #like other various reasons of me not driving include: #I'm afraid of driving. im even afraid of driving our ATV & i always drive slowly. #i have adhd & i zone out a lot & im terrified of doing that on the road #not eco friendly & carpooling is better. id sooner buy a horse with the money it takes to buy & upkeep a car. #im desperately afraid of hurting someone. cars are dangerous & a big responsibility. i do not want that

[ganondoodle]

as cool as their design is im really starting to dislike the sonau in general, aside from their stuff suddendly being everywhere and everything being about them and how cool(tm) they are now with the mystery stone turning people into dragons and the similarities between the sonau and the three dragons (naydra, eldra, farodra) its actually not an impossibility that they used to be sonaus as alot of people have been theorizing about ..but ...... idk that would very much ruin their otherwordly yet ethereal mystery to me

i probably sound like some hater whos trying to find something more to dislike about totk all the time but i promise im not!!

the three dragons being some unexplained mystery, beings that are there yet few can see them, timeless, nigh untouchable, they dont act on anything, they dont talk, something about them has always made me look at them in awe; if it turned out they were just yet another cool(tm) sonau guy that ate a stone ... :/

not a fan of that one lads, but dont worry, i will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, i dont want to ruin other peoples fun nor seem like i just hate everything ... the three dragons are just really important to me so i had to say something

#ganondoodles talks #tloz #totk #totk spoilers #totk spoiler #besides i have leanred that i tend to have the unpopular opinions and frankly im tired of the hate directed at me #if you disagree thats fine but please dont spam me with why you think its cool actually #bc it just feels like yet another argument starting as to why im wrong and need to be talked down to and also suck actually #sorry its been all over my timeline on twitter so i just had to throw my dumbass opinion out there again #and it was a few times more than id like in a row where my random thought posts where torn apart by arguing people needing to prove im wron #the dragons where something i just absolutely loved in botw #they hold a special place in my heart and i dont like the thought of them too being just yet another sonau thing #i feel more secure posting my thoughts here than on twitter #but still i dont want to sound overly negative so i will hold back from now on #unless im exhausted and overly tired and not feeling that great physically like right now i guess lol #ill just have to grit my teeth and try to ignore everything i dont like but everyone else loves like always #anyway i need some sleep #ill be fine after that i think #and then try to resume work on destiny and a commission i havent had the energy to get to

[pikslasrce]

google search how to get involved in the local art scene when ur a recluse and dont leave the house

#the thing is also idk which crowd is best to worm into. do i try and go to the music people? i feel like id be out of place there #however i would love to be a music people.... #my best option is film/visual arts kind of scene but i am Afraid.... i follow a student art discussion/event organization on insta #and they always have some get togethers but i am afraid of showing up like what if i go there and everyone is like. who are u why r u here #piksla.txt

[azoosepted]

i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must draw bl don x kurokumo ishmael yuri i must [dies]

#nothing more gay than dueling eachother in a turf war amirite or amirite #“Ishmael began to notice a pattern.” #“Surely enough / the bright eyed Salsu always found her way to her / as if she were seeking out Ishmael specifically.” #“Their blades would always find themselves clashing against each other / no matter the place and time of conflict.” #“For whatever reason / Ishmael began to anticipate their duels.” #“She began to eagerly await each battle between the Kurokumo Clan and the Blade Lineage.” #“And when a fight erupted / Ishmael would scan the crowd for the petite swordswoman.” #“It was only a matter of time before she’d inevitably show up / dashing in with her blade in hand.” #“And then a long / lengthy / and passionate duel would be had between the two.” #“Only a few thousand duels later / and raised eyebrows (as well as questioning) from Heathcliff did Ishmael realize:” #“She had stopped attempting to purposefully harm her opponent.” #“It was certainly odd / Ishmael had to admit. The way she found herself lost in the swordswoman’s eyes…” #“Or the way she felt almost dizzy looking at the swordswoman’s smile… 'Cute' had been a word Ishmael used to describe that grin—” #“Which had earned her a couple of raised eyebrows from her clanmates (and in Rodya’s case / a snicker.)” #“It was surely nothing though / Ishmael thought to herself / as she gripped the hilt of her katana.” #“Another battle was about to break out / after all…” #“And she could worry about the implications of the sensations she feels when fighting against that particular somebody afterwards.” #if i had a nickel for wvery time i hijacked the tags to write an entire minific #id have two nickels #which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice #anzu says shit #ishdon #limbus company #project moon #lcb ishmael #lcb don quixote

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[mariemariemaria]

Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality

#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh #like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good #but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees #the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support #and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well #like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people #maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a #whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously #women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women #or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak #like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years #but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people #i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse #drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so* #and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles #+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries #and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation #isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote #*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now #and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad #but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing #and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this. #love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol

[donnyclaws]

I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.

#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself #maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it #places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do #cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way #which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does #working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it #it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect #idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or #be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely #i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute #not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always #i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen #but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the #i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or #yadda yadda lmao #sorry for the impromptu ramble #this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art #god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex #i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less #and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow. #it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me. #part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like #that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy

[nerdie-faerie]

Currently thinking about the last time I met up with my college friends, and we went around the table reintroducing ourselves with names and pronouns, cus it gets like that. And every time it would come around to me, I would deflect and distract instead of answering because I hadn't actually figured it out yet. It's coming up on a year since then, I still have no idea what the answer would be

#Queer gang #it was literally this time last year cus it was the last time i went home for winter break that i saw them all #i panicked and got distracted the first time i was supposed to introduce myself despite the fact theyre the last people who would judge #but were a bunch of very easily distracted fckers so it wasnt even that noticeable that i hadnt answered at first #but then one of them realised id never actually introduced myself and i cant even remember how i changed the topic #but someone would always realise in the middle of someones story so id just redirect the attention to what we were already discussing #to buy myself time to think but i never actually came up with an answer and im stuck on a coach rn so my brain has all this time to think #and im just. its been a year since that incident its been several years since i started to think maybe my gender didnt entirely fit #but every time i try to figure it out like a puzzle like i did with my sexuality the first time i realise i dont really have an answer #its not that i feel that something else would fit better and i cant figure out why it doesnt feel right in the first place #is it because i was raised hyperfeminine despite growing up predominantly around brothers? #is it because tradition gender roles dont fit anyway when yoyre queer because so much of gender is tangled up in sexuality? #is it because im taking too much of a theoretical/whatever approach to it when i know gender is predominantly a social construct? #is it because its just not that deep and i dont care? or do i care and i just havent figured it out yet? idk

[britneyshakespeare]

i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.

#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy #EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE #i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas #i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :( #sisters are USELESS #tales from diana #menstruation cw #injury cw #maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week #i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday #i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it #my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy #thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget #i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy #theres no better way to describe it #but i cant. move. now. sooooo #i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen #how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones #i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something #i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing. #i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. #can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least #and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?

[hecksupremechips]

Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of

#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit #i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it #very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically #some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like #AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE #and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to #and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded #it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me #i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me #and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him #away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt #feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like #aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family #hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs #his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage #and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them #HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM #and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is #but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK #and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way #or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he #doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’ #yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them

[graveyardmouth]

its that time of the night

#and the year. #really makes me feel like summer especially middle school and before #completely isolated from all my friends panic attacks every time the sun went down hiding from my mom trying to block out screaming as #best i could staying up til dawn drinking dr pepper stealing my moms books listening to my dads cds stealing chocolate chips and eventually #wine from the kitchen puking in the bathroom reading the perks of being a wallflower goinf out for bike rides in the early morning walking #to the library and collapsing on the way home cause i hadnt eaten in 2 days walking past the church holding a knife in one hand #biking because i just knew there was somebody waiting to kill me dying my hair three times begging for escape from the monotony making #friends on twitter and discord in bad places getting attention from strangers for my relationship with a razor blade staying up all night #for the quiet because i needed to be alone because i couldnt sleep to feel something besides numbness getting yelled at for keeping my room #messy and crying thinking about people knowing i was eating finding a book that made me happy and knowing that once i finished it id #return to awful numbing boredom nothing could fix god ive typed a lot #sorry im feeling nostalgic about feeling bad and summer has always been one of many low points in the year for me #anyways ✌️ #dw about me im actually in a really good place mentally rn i just. am worried for how long itll last #and quite scared about getting taken off my antidepressants tbh #bug shut up #delete later #Youtube

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt

[nevoeiross]

very sad watching my one that got away, my childhood crush, the boy i grew up with and probably the only guy i could ever even see myself being happy with destroy his life the way his father did :(

#look away im feeling feelings for a man for once i know its embarassing #just get this overwhelming sadness whenever i come back home and see him and he is more and more like his father everytime #even after when we were kids he used to talk about how much he didnt want to be like that and how he wasnt going to….. #but also he never really left this place and i dont know hes always been weird about me leaving #we were having coffee and he asked when i finished college and when id come bacn to live here and like #im not gonna come back anytime soon just the thought makes me miserable and ive always said i wanted to be somewhere else when we were kids #feel like ive abandoned him we used to be so close when we were kids we were always at eachothers houses and then it stopped i guess #:(((( #idk i cant help but think about these things every time we hang out and i know im not responsible for his life choices #and what he does with his life its his business but still #it makes me sad

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.

anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.

She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them. It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock. She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning. One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time. “You have my heart.”

yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.

all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.

#NOT TOH FANFIC #see this is why i write fanfic. to enact some gay ass shit like this. #the fucking STICKY NOTE WITH A DRAWING OF A HUMAN HEART AND SAYING “YOU HAVE MY HEART” I AM ON THE FLOOR. #*sighs* sucks i cant reuse it on lumity though. #my friend making me realize i actually have rizz but am just too much of a disaster to actually understand cues with people #its a MESS. im just all over the place. i literally ranted to THE SAME FRIEND yesterday (or the day before??) abt some girl jesus. #anyway i remember writing A LOT OF POETRY back in hs about this one girl and then the same girl i got to talk to-- #--my first actual conversation with her i blurted out that i wanted to shave my head. she was like.... oooooo god i was A MESS #still slid into her school dms during covid and was like “haha guess what i actually mf did???” anyway all that to say underlying dysphoria #they're nonbinary now too and i kinda ghosted them like a complete idiot :(. its been two years or so but i still think of them... a lot... #actually i have more lore about this person and its like istg they actually really liked me but i could not pick it up. #we had such SUCH good chemistry and vibes. n they were really pretty. ughhhhhh. #anyway yeah idk crushes are weird sometimes. the universe knows how unstoppable id be with a partner #i feel like i was the reason they were able to find themself and their identity because when we were talking i always encouraged them #and told them to do what felt right. im glad they did. i think sometimes that brings me peace. like i served a purpose. #STILL showed them toh. STILL SHOWED THEM TOH. #we were talking about amity LMAO “this green haired girl seems interesting” SHE SO WAS. #...yeah i wish i could text them but i kinda probably fucked it up. #shitposting shit #idk what this post is i just wanted to talk about this dumb sticky note thing because im rotating it in my brain and remembering how #mentally ill i was back in 2020 #talking into the void yk how it isssss

[widevibratobitch]

visiting my mother. idk what i expected lol

#everyone is fucking dying from cancer now #(except for the one who should be lol my grandma's cancer is benign turns out. #worst person ever award goes to me as always but if someone should die it should be her. there. i said it. #they never should have tried to save her from that stroke) #anyway it's unfair af and my mom doesn't deserve this but again. im the worst person ever but i cant fucking deal with this #i cannot be someone's emotional support. least of all hers. when im in this mental state myself. #obv i should never ever have children. but if i do. id rather fucking kms than cry in front of them. never ever ever ever. #call me a heartless bitch ig but at this point i think ive really stopped caring #i wish this wasnt happening to us i wish i were never born or at the very least i wish i had any siblings #with whom i could share the responsibility. but i dont. im fucking alone man. completely and utterly alone in this. #its all on me and im not up to the task and i hate that its asked of me in the first place. #spoiled ungrateful little brat alert but i just cant. cant bring myself to do this cant bring myself to truly care i genuinely feel nothing #i cant bring myself to stop being selfish in this. who tf knows maybe i do have npd it would explain a lot lol