#im just. fucking exhausted but theres nothing i can do bc i Know im in the wrong for this

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[l-e-g-i-o-n-losh]

.

#danny shush #shit! stupid accidents piling up and im just supposed to stay calm all the time bc my fucking emotions existing is such a burden #im so angry and upset and theres nothing i can do about it #im just tired but the shit keeps piling up. might have fucked up and cost us $200. #dad needs to go to the dr with me tomorrow and im exhausted and afraid and i don't know if i even have socks #i hate this

[thesmpisonfire]

okay im here with actual headcanons this time, no misclicks fortunately

soulfire

bad is the pillow of the group because even while freezing cold he's still somehow the warmest, so he is buffered by the whole team. he's always got an arm around someone (usually pac), wings covering as many people as he can and tail wrapped around anyone farther away. pac, tubbo and tina are usually the ones situated close to him

tina and bad are usually the ones make food or drinks that aren't alchoholic. tina obviously brews a bunch of tea during the day and theres not a lot of food but they make do with the crops and resources they have. now that the greens have merged, forever helps out now too as well as fit!

since they couldn't go home before the bounty hunting nerfs, everybody still managed to flock to each other. or at least anyone who wasnt being tracked. and when it was finally time for every to rest, they all curled up in a hole and made it as warm as possible for the new wolves joining them

they have a specific corner for sleeping in and, once everyone is awake or those who aren't can be moved, tina always makes sure that the bedding is fixed. now she has bagi to help her :]

pachalo

because i can never stop thinking about it: bad's collar was handmade by pac but was originally a bit of a joke gift considering the joke about bad being soulfire's guard dog. unbeknownst to the rest of the team, bad wears it constantly underneath his bandanna, expertly hidden. pac's the only one who knows and teases bad lightly for it

before purgatory there were very few people who got to see bad's hair, much less be able to touch it. but now the list of people allowed to touch it has pac added to it

bad likes to rest his head on pac's chest to hear his heartbeat, to make sure he's alive and to pick up on nightmares. he's very careful of where he puts his horns

fitpachalo

fit sometimes, mostly when they've exhausted their energy, bridal carries bad or pac back to base to get proper rest. this happens less with bad cus he's cautious of his energy. the first time it happened though it spooked him completely awake because he was so flustered, pac laughed at him (albiet very sleepily)

considering bad and pac are the more teasing by nature, they make it just a tiiiny bit of a game to see who can fluster fit more. pac is usually the winner 9 times out of 10

when bad gets growly, fit is the only other team member aside from maybe tubbo who's allowed to come near pac. the downside of this is that bad proceeds to get growly over fit as well. -screamingallium

YEAAAA

Under read more bc it got long :]

About the soulfire one where they can't go back home and have to huddle together somewhere, there's actually a secret nook in Soulfires old farm!! Bad made some ghost dirt blocks and hid a small room with emergency chests and a fireplace in case of need. They all huddle there when they can't be safe at home <3

ALSO YEAAAA SLEEP CORNER. At first the new members from green find it weird that they're that rich but all sleep together on a bunch of mattresses and pillows, but soon they notice its because they feel safer and comfier and warmer (even if it's just an illusion) when they sleep on a pile <3

Now to pachalo.

Omg the fucking leash thingnsnfnekgsocksfm yesyes. They know this thing will only last 2 weeks and they're gonna get freaky with it‼️‼️ pac doesn't mind bad being the mad dog but he loves to tease and wait for when bad gets too blood thirsty and he goes "don't make me leash you, bad"

It usually makes bad worse :]

Hgghhhhhh okay so in brazil we have a word called cafuné, cafuné is when you caress/play/scritches someone's hair with lots of care. Pac making cafuné on Bad and listening to him purr <3

Also aaaa bad making sure pac is alive and he will stay alive the entire night... The fear something will take Pac away from him on his sleep bc nothing is sacred in Purgatory

FITPACHALO FITPACHALO

Bad being a flustered mess when Fit just YOINKS him is such an imagery. He immediately tries to squirm away like a cat but eventually gives up

Pac is the KING of making Fit flustered, but Bad and Fit tag team to make Pac a flustered mess

Those are HIS humans (or partially humans) NOW!!! GET AWAY!!!

#qsmp #fitpachalo #fitpac #team soulfire

[gayspock]

ok 1 menty b for me

i dont know. i think its just always been so alienating. i think theres something wrong with me and its unfixable. and sometimes, if i cant have anything else, i just want at least the fucking chance to express that without people thinking even less of me. and ik in reality nobody even gaf or sees me. but i also know know that if they did, 9times out fo 10 people would be rolling their eyes. whatever. idk. i feel so lonely and i dont think im ever not going to be lonely and its never going to get better because even when given the resources, the opportunities i just can never manage . i just cant . i swear i try . but every single time. my whole fucking life . i just walk away from everything with even less, it feels like. and its getting so much harderand harder. and i dont know how to express it liek ... i fucking feel myself SEETHE as ppl keep insisting "theres still a chance! there's still hope!" like sure bro. but i dont want to fucking keep living my life along the fucking asymptote of getting consistently closer to dying alone but "haha technically its not a certainty" and . like theres just something so fucking repulsive about me and i just cant seem to fix it no matter what. and im so exhausted all the time. and i genuinely dont think theres any way out of that . i go to work and i come home so burnt out and tired. and people are nice there but i dont think i can really connect with anyone . i just cant seem to get close to people . and i dont have it within me to meet anyone else because im so fucking tired all of the time .

and even if i did and i mustered all the energy and spent all the little time i had left in the world i dont think theyd have time for me. not just bc nobody in their 20s does but also because i dont know . it just never seems to work . and i cant do it again where i try to invest every little piece of me into it when its jsut always left me fucking miserable and pathetic. bro do you know what i mean. not to be 16 and lame as shit still. i feel like im always the idiot ppl take pity on at best . i dont think ive ever been real to anybody. like alwaysssssss...... and even now i feel like every time I HAVE existed within circles of others. its literally 10 times out of 10 just constantly fighting to be included and seen as someone whos not a fucking joke and i just feel like such a fucking . loser for caring so much about it when. REALISTICALLY. pretty much all the people ive met in life will have forgotten i exist. and ok. ok. i just dont think ... like its not like some trait within me right like ... im not As melodramatic to be like oh . oh theres an actual innate trait within me thats activated and stops people liking me. just. the contrary like. i just think theres nothing within me to actually like . or to gravitate towards. so likeyeah sure . that makes sense. why WOULD you want to bother with someone whos just kinda hollow or whatever.. something something or other. and i kind of wish i was more resilient about tht. but i jsut . i guess as is a Guy of that Nature, its just ... im trying to fucking not fucking spiral but i just feel myself fucking filling up with fucking . miserable SHITTY bile or whatever because i just wish i felt normal or whatever. its such a fucking human fucking thing that other people can MANAGE. but i cant . its so so fucking hard and i cant do it and i cant handle it. and i just feel so angry sometimes anyways . bc i hate it . and i keep trying bc i wanna make peace with it because i know theres no out . like ive long since given up on ever thinking its going to work out . because nothing fucking helps but makes it so much worse . anyways. i dont know. but i dont know bro. it drives me fucking insane when people always spout some bs about how "haha everyone has someone! everyone will find someone! like no they dont no they wont . its so .. so much more isolating. or like "EVERYONEEE feels lonely sometimes" like HOW does that help. HOW. and it makes it so MUCH FUCKING WORSEEEE when people tell you about how lonely they are too!!! like cool . i dont have a chance then. sorry i know thats such a bitter bitch thing to say. but idk if it rlly matters like ... at the end of the day idc when ppl have partners. or people they talk to. family who loves them. and youre still lonely. cool. thank you for letting me know, dude. go back to the people who will look out for you and love you whilst i sit in the dark and not speak to anyone for weeks whilst not a single person would even notice im gone .

or like. bro. i dont think a single person has taken me seriously for long enough to ever fucking like me or hold me in enough regard to like... want to talk to me again nevermind like be with me in a certain sense so i jsut. i dont know. sits alone. every fucking day for years maybe. i dont know. i feel so fucking sad and angry knowing deep down that i can know all this and know its true but even then . i cant even have that . people wont even take THAT part of me seriouslyand think im just some fucking idiot whos not even trying. when i really reallyhave but its just so... worthless it feels like . it feels like im never getting anywhere and everyone thinks i just gave up when i didnt. and i dont know. thar makes it sound like people actually see me and really are laughing or something when i dont think its nearly that much. i think its like oh people see me make that as a snap judgement and i fall out of existence again. and i dont know. it shouldnt matter but i feel so fucking strung out and exist between these instances only and idk. idk bro. im trying to be okay with it. but as im getting older i just feel like theres so many more things that are revealing themselves as worse and worse. and im going crazy. im going crazzzzzzyyyy . whatever . insert the mental breakdown gifs . the funny ones where those guys aremoving really fast

#egg.txt

[ashtraysystem]

so i got home earlier and immediately just went "video game mode" for like. many hours. not including my pause to take a shower. but my brain was just so out that i literally said "no, fuck it, im not thinking about school"

but now that ive snapped out of that im like "yO wait a fuckin minute!!" bc my 2 shitty profs treated us like children in class today. literally getting after us for leaving the classroom for any reason, even if we were totally done with our work for the day and talked to them about it.

like, they've made people feel /anxious/ bc of calling people out. im so livid about it.

again, i can handle myself being mistreated, but the moment you mistreat my bros im pissed!!

i emailed the person above/in charge of them a very long and detailed email since god knows i wouldnt be able to organize my thoughts like that in person, so hopefully something comes out of that. at least it makes me feel a little bit better knowing ive told someone in some position of power to do something about it whats been going on. im still very *shaking chihuahua* about it, but its better than sitting here fuming 2 days out of every week until this class is over.

heck i'd take the other prof that made me cry over these two. at least he feels bad about it, at least he listened to me and listened to my concerns and genuinely gave me good feedback and expectations unlike these fuckholes.

im just so tired of playing their games of vague expectations and comforting my friends. do you know how genuinely exhausting it is to be the only person who is like "hey, it'll all be okay. trust yourself, and the rest will fall into place" while feeling like i can barely hold MYSELF together???? literally all i'm telling them is shit ive told myself, bc theres literally nothing else we can do rn but support each other. im so mad on everyone else's behalf, bc no one else is getting mad about it. they are bitching about it, sure, but they've fallen into the "it is what it is" and im starting to learn that no the fuck it aint!!!!

im just so tired of it. tired of fighting. but who else will? im the only one with the anger and will strong enough to keep trying rn. the only reason im fighting at all is because i care so much about people and i care so much about the way others are treated, and how they deserve to be heard and appreciated. and so many of my classmates have fallen into the trapped mindset, into thinking they deserve to be treated like shit.

#vent #rant #school vent #school rant #shitty professors #cole🥾

[deadgrantaires]

i am soooooo beyond burt out. ive been so tired for so long and i had to keep pushing myself and pushing myself w the move and my health and eveyrthing else and now im just. done. i had been running on fumes so long theres nothing left. i wake up with 0 spoons and still have to go to work. i get to the weekend exhausted and i still have to drive to the market. theres still a million things on my list to do and i cant do ANY OF THEM bc i dont have the energy to DO anything. i push off eating all day bc i cant use the energy to make even a simple meal when eveyrthing makes me feel sick and my stomach has been a CONSTANT mess for MONTHS without a single break. i never sleep through the night and usually wake up at least 7 times and often will toss and trun without sleeping for hours. i cant do this anymore i dont even know what to do bc i cant eliminate any ""stressors"" in my life bc im the only one who drives, my body is so fucked up that it cant recover UNLESS i see doctors about it (if!!!! it even helps!!!) and i dont have enough money that i can just. pay to fix these issues! i dont know what to do anymore!!!

[ikosburneraccount]

if you had to pick a fav chapter out of any of the books, which would it be? (you can do one per book and/or multiple chapters lol just curious)

im answering this on mobile so if the formatting is fucked im sooooooooo sorry 😭 OK one per book here i go!!

cinder: the chapter where kai gifts her the silk gloves! mostly because during my reread i COMPLETELY FORGOT that this chapter happened and omfg the KAIDER in this scene was so intense. like kai’s thoughtfulness of the gift…like he never pushes her to take off her gloves but instead gifts her gloves that make her feel not only safe, but beautiful. literally on the verge of tears thinking about that scene because it was so tender and beautiful and like a testament of how much he thinks and CARES about cinder…also its his way of showing how much it matters to him that she attends the ball. like that scene makes me wanna SCREAM AND CRY AND CURL UP INTO A BALL!!! especially because of its cruel bittersweetness like kaider angst hits like nothing else…like i love kaider fluff but their angst…theres something in the sauce with them

scarlet: one chapter is so cruel for this one like the plot development in this book is probably the best bc of its pacing IMO like there are so many moments across the book that really make it SHINE BUT if its only one chapter it has to be the opening chapter where scarlet (bad bitch) gets up on the tavern bar and defends cinder!!! she is the ONLY character that takes into consideration and expresses empathy for cinder and her AGE and NEVER holds her cyborg or lunar status against her!!!! also the shirt comment in front of wolf is LMFAOOOOOOO LIKE NOBODY SAID THAT!!!!! but that is my favorite chapter. marissa meyer put her wrussy (writer pussy) into that one

cress: during my original read this was my FAVORITE but on reread this is now my least favorite book! too much cresswell not enough scarlet/winter or scarlet/wolf content. like marissa meyer did a great job giving us kaider angst and mutual pining but absolutely FLOPPED on the wolflet front like cmon girl. FAVORITE CHAPTER HMMMMMMMM its the one where cinder tortures thaumaturge sybil! its a testament to her growth and mastery of her glamour like she really is so powerful! i wished she used it more in winter TBH but yeah her torturing sybil was soooo satisfying and i wish she did it more. like she really is the GOAT

winter: okay this is gonna sound crazy but its tie between cinder throwing herself off the ledge into artemesia lake and cinder getting stabbed in the heart. I CAN EXPLAIN 😭 I AM NOT CRAZY!!! cinder herself off the ledge is absolutely FUCKING insane i won’t lie it makes me giggle cause like GIRL I GET IT BUT THROWING YOURSELF OFF A 5+ STORY BUILDING WAS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!! IT REALLY KILLED ME READING THAT LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE WITNESSING YOUR GF THROW HERSELF INTO DEATH LIKE THAT….OKAY FOR THE OTHER SCENE i loved the cinder being stabbed in the heart scene which sounds SO fucked up but i liked it because marissa meyer did a phenomenal job carrying cinder’s voice and depicting the absolute exhaustion that cinder felt during that moment. like cinder was TIRED like she’s BEEN THRU IT!!! her getting stabbed in the heart was really a culmination of this pattern where cinder expresses kindness and forgiveness to those who’ve deeply harmed her and her showing levana empathy even after levana tried to MURDER her and everyone cinder loved is so…cinder is so selfless and loving and her getting stabbed was peak heartbreak (which i realize is a pattern. i loveeeee suffering) but also i desperately want to know how/why kai left behind the earthen leaders and how he FUCKING FOUND HER SO QUICKLY! also the fact that her last sight is of the boy she loved but she felt could never have just really makes me burst into tears like cinder baby girl if only knew how much YOU (not your princess or queen or fugitive status) were worth it to kai and everyone in the rampion crew GAH IM CRYING I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH!!

I SOUND SOOOOO UNHINGED BUT THESE ARE MY FAVORITE CHAPTERS <3 CINDER BABY GIRL I LOVE YOU. i just love so crazy quickly deteriorating from wholesome kaider/wolflet to cinder just…suffering LMFAO

thank you for the ask!! <3

#mine #the lunar chronicles #text #ask

[unethicalexperiments]

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

#talking to myself #content warning for like. borderline personality disorder. i guess. #this is just a wall of text bc i wont go back to therapy no one feel obligated to open or read this

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

#/end rant #oversharing on tumblr is my form of therapy #if u read the whole thing pls like the post cuz it helps me feel less alone #or just ignore me either one is perfectly fine don’t waste ur time with this #i think this is a result of pmdd symptoms but still it feels real and heavy even if this feeling will eventually go away #only to return a month later and the cycle repeats for eternity

[dreamquackity]

dude the fucking fandom is so fucking. god. fuck. jesus fucking christ. like ppl bitching about miraculous salt and all that shit is like - don't get me wrong it's irritating and fucked and stupid but like that shit is NOTHING compared to what we went through almost daily yk? i see people complaining about how bad it is in the fandom and how ridiculous people complaining about a literal kids' show is and i get that!! i feel that!! i understand you!! it's dumb!! i see it too! don't get me wrong about that!. HOWEVER. the amount of shit salters in this fucking fandom get up to is like - it's validly annoying but god it's literally nothing compared to how - like i feel like i'd be hard pressed to find another fandom that fucks with you mentally as much as that one. it was fun! it was good! it helped me through hard times! but dear. fucking. god. the bad was not worth the good. i just had no other good. and now i do so. i'm not as invested. thank fuck. i have other fandoms. thank fuck. it's fucking glorious. it's healthier. less fomo, less - every volatile emotion, less crazy people, it's lovely. i mean i still care about him and like his work but now i can simultaneously loop his EP and get work done, i can put videos off streams off, i can see people spamming about drama and not give a shit anymore because like - whatever happened is fucked up cos it always is (and this probably sounds like shitty but idc) and i feel bad for him but i'm not fucking up my fucking education and literally failing two classes because of stupid internet trolls causing drama that fucks with my mental health. god. (yes that actually happened. i was on track to being top in the class with both)

sorry that was a whole vent. basically i'm in a better place now that i'm only on the peripherals and it's great. what's funny is he literally got me to the peripherals bc the christmas streams made me feel happy enough to be able to stop relying on him like an addiction but it's been eight months and i feel like a recovered drug addict sometimes. recovered alcoholic who takes a sip of wine every now and then. lol. but like most drama in other fandoms doesn't faze me now bc like. yall have. no idea.

i get u anon........... it was way too exhausting being in that fandom. every fandom sucks esp if theyre big but boy oh boy. that shit was SOMETHING ELSE. im praying mlb lasts for me bc im really liking it here even tho parts of the fandom r getting like upset and leaving etc etc but well thats part and parcel of life im here and new people join every day and im looking forward to posting my fic even tho i know it will never be as popular as sadf and its a new fandom im writing for so theres this Fear

#ask

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

[skyeateyourdonuts]

hiii

i ranted about a thing and im reranting here bc there sucked

uh smth womanhood uh right yes okay i am particularly urked about this thing in adulthood and i think also womanhood that is the duplicity of trying to prove competence and trying to make up for lack of competence

for instance the areas these seem to happen are ones around ppl in my life who, while i feel wholly safe admitting my incompetence and confusion, also never expect me to know anything thus. i understand that it can be confusing to decipher then what would be my strengths but if u Know me and ive become comfortable enough to admit incompetence it is bc im trusting u not to steamroll me and to listen to me and understand that i am also a human who does know Some Fucking Things

the other instance, making up for lack of competence, is just trying to survive when i believe theres a lot sitting on my shoulders. i worry that the trust being placed on me has not taken into account that i will mess up or that i may know the exact same amount as them and still expected to do more than my abilities allow.

its hard to feel like ive earned this trust in my competence and ability when in that other instance its constantly being challenged. its hard to feel secure in my decisions in both instances and also to shift between them, as they often feel like two different worlds where the chance at being confronted for malfeasance seems ever present, like its an unknown sea creature hunting me down but only till im too exhausted to swim.

the connection i make to womanhood in this sense is that i see this reflection in other women. a huge aspect of feminism is believing that women are capable of making their own decisions and when women are robbed of that, its painful and ive seen it and experienced it. theres nothing wrong with asking why someone did something but taking the chance to make that decisions away or simply making it for them does not treat them as a person.

another connection that could be made is simply age and experience. older people or more experienced people i think tend to wanna show off what they know or what theyve learned by making these decisions for someone else, maybe showing them smth theyve never known, but isnt it better that they learn it themselves?? its different if its smth that person doesnt mind not making a decision about in comparison to things that may affect their life or expand their Own abilities. u could show off, yes, but isnt it better that they learn on their own?

at this point, i dont think im all that knowledgeable and i dont think im all that experienced. i think i wanna be good and i wanna be smart and try it all, but it is incredibly hard climbing theough the sludge of uncertainty that comes from these experiences. theyre not harrowing or traumatic, i think, but still uncomfortable and repeated times really do feel like sinking into quicksand. but i got it lmao i got a good role model im good i got this anyways bye :3

#im judt ranting dont pay too much attention #twt is dying id rather rant here #oh god im so sorry guys theyre no longer contained in tags #😭😭😭😭😭 #i promise ill spoiler line them #gata #hehe

[midnightmisadventures]

SO lazy but dream tidbits

Being extremely weak in the limbs. Back of the car with erikka and people keep trying to open the door and get in and drive off, like the keys were in the front. But i was so exhausted doing anything. My childhood nemisis SD who ive literally referred to as "the devil" was there and trying to throw shit in the car, steal stuff, record me. She kept trying to put her phone in as a plant but i just stole it out of her hand and closed the door. BUt i was so weak, i could barely do it or hold it but i didnt let her know that. I started screaming out the window as we drove away like "FUCK YOU YOU DIRTY FUCKING BITCH STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU TRASHY WHORE YOURE FUCKING DISGUSTING GET A LIFE" like so angry so out of character. Maybe it really was the devil bc i dont ever get that mad, and anytime im running from evil in my dreams i have to hide in a car.

Later in the dream....basically erikka and i were coming from movin on and we went into a night class, and the classroom was split in half, One side was taking a test and our side was just having a chill movie/play on the computer day. THe teacher from the other side saw me with headphones and told me to turn down my music. I was annoyed cause he wasnt my teacher, other people had headphones wtfff? But i was obedient and got anxious and was like "im turning them off, theres nothing playing!"

Eventually my teacher came over and explained to the other guy that it was okay, and he was allowing them. We basically had to sit through this long weird movie and when it ended we could finally leave. But i could barely stand, and i for some reason had all these books to carry and i couldnt hold anything like i was so fucking tired. So drained, and angry at myself for not being able to normal things, like stand up and carry books, because im a regualr young able bodied person. So it was frustrating but i could barely move.

Which now sounds like.....its more that being energetically drained isnt recognized or justified by the average person looking it but still dont feel bad about resting or not doing a ton when youre drained energetically even if people dont know.... if that makes sense 3:33

Almost like i.....would need a cane.....or a wheelchair. But instead trying to do it on my own. Holy shit uhh okay

Anyway erikka took the books out of my hand and was like "no i dont want you carrying anything i can take those" cause she knew i was weak. At some point the classroom also turned into the basement nightspot and was a full on club beside another class taking an exam.

But just when me and erikka were deciding to leave and i was just thinking to myself more about feeling weak, and being in a class at night with erikka after movin on, i was just thinking and thought "lowkey like....is this a dream? That the only explanation, obviously this doesnt feel like a dream, this feels like real life, but am i dreaming??"

And it was so surreal bc it genuinely felt like real life, like i was seriously questioning whether i was dreaming or not? But not because i could FEEL it. Like i was just.....it was such an odd eerie feeling. Like when i know im in dreams or im lucid dream, i pull out and i KNOW im in a dream. Its a different feeling. This completely felt like real life but i was just like "yes im living real life...but this just isnt my reality, somethings off, i dont believe it" and i was even thinking, this feels so real but i dont put it past spirit for it some how to be not. And it was super trippy and interesting and i obviously WAS dreaming, but it felt like i caught on to omething i wasnt supposed to

[saltycharacters]

I woke up with an ant infestation in my house so I've spent like 4 hours straight cleaning the entire bottom floor and trying to flood them and use baking soda bc i have no vinegar and no other way to get rid of them and im so miserable and tired today was suppose to be my free day

#i spent all day yesterday getting commissions and stuff done and i wanted to spend the entire day drawing #i also thought my snake escaped this morning so i was already an anxious mess and she ended up being in tbe cage #but now my room is a mess and i havent even gotten to fixing it #because when i went downstairs after finding her i just saw a huge ant line all the way from the living room to the end of the kitchen #and i currently dont have anyone to help me #and im exhausted from all the physical work bc i dont exercise regularly #and i had an awful night with little sleep also bc im oretty sure theres some sort of sewer leak here that made the outside smell like #rotten eggs and seweage and i couldnt open the windows to air it out because thats where it was coming from #i cant take many breaks because these blasted ants can literally just. form a line somewhere else #theyve made it on the fucking CEILING and i dont know how to stop them from gettingbup there!!! #im gonna cry i dont know what to do #vent #oh & my dnd sesh cancelled and i have nothing to watch or watch with someone so i dont have anything to distract myself while this happens

[kiilonova]

anyone know how to deal with immense lifelong personal trauma without talking to anyone about it

#cro vent #do nottt reblog #ive been on a hair trigger for weeks its exhausting and i have no means of fixing things for myself #and im so sick of making other people listen to my problems bc it all sounds like such a guilt trip #but also ive been alive for seventeen and a half years and only found out in the past couple months #how actively violently bad i have it #and theres nothing at all i can do about it except cry and complain. two of the things ive been heavily conditioned out of doing #its like i have to start over being a person without the safety net of early childhood #its just messy and costly and annoying and i dont get to make excuses #bc im almost a full grown adult what right or reason would i have to act like a toddler #even tho ive been expected to act like a fully emotionally matured adult since i was a toddler so i never actually grew past that stage #i just got really good at faking it and now i have every personality disorder known to man #and more! #but i dont know of any resource that would be able to properly coach me through things i should have learned as a child #at least without me withdrawing and becoming suspicious bc i feel patronized #i just feel like ive been fucked over permanently and irreversibly in a way that makes it impossible for me to interact with society #at least in a meaningful non-toxic interactive exchange way #and im still surrounded by the people who made me this way for at least another six months