#im thinking back to when this one person told me they liked me but dont anymore

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

sits up in bed. so lana and ema definitely thought they were responsible for edgeworth "choosing death", right?

(the rest of this post was supposed to go in the tags, because it's not very well organised or written, but it got too long so. here are the slightly edited tags for your reading pleasure (or otherwise)):

i was going to make this solely about ema because she's the obvious one with her open adoration of edgeworth, but the thing about rfta is that it goes to great lengths to emphasise the connection between lana and edgeworth as well.

the sl-9 incident showed that lana grows attached to people deeply, hence angel starr's comment on how, when neil marshall died, 'she (lana) felt like her own brother had died.' with edgeworth, i think it was similar but worse. because he's not just a coworker or subordinate who's dear to her. he saved her life. and it cost him his own.

at the beginning of the case, edgeworth says he was mistaken for thinking that lana was always looking out for him post sl-9 (a statement interesting on its own because that's when everyone else says she grew distant), and, later on, he brings ema fingerprinting powder because lana asked him to. then, of course, there's the 'lady luck' comment he makes.

similarly, on lana's side, you obviously have the end of the trial when she says he did well, but there's also that additional moment post-trial where she's the only one to notice — in a group comprising her, ema, phoenix and gumshoe — that he's 'hiding', listening to their conversation. point is, there's enough to suggest that she might have been the nearest thing edgeworth had to a mia; his 'chief prosecutor' to phoenix's plain 'chief'. they're as close as two people can be in a relationship where one of them is constantly lying and the other is von karma's star pupil.

rfta is pretty straightforwardly depicted as the case which solidified edgeworth's resolve to do what he did; i don't think i have to prove that. rumours about him have reached new heights, his car and knife were involved in goodman's murder, he makes an unprecedented mistake in court by failing to connect the evidence room and carpark incidents, thus forcing the chief of police to enter the trial to do so himself, and he's publicly revealed to have relied on falsified evidence to secure a conviction in the sl-9 case, all of which only happened because of lana. jake marshall even claims that from the beginning — that if you trace edgeworth's rumours back to their source, you end up meeting one person: lana skye.

and it gets worse because at the end of rfta, she thinks he's fine!! she literally says, 'i was afraid the pressure would break you, but you rose above it,' and reminds him he's nothing like gant because he's not alone. she leaves the case thinking he will be okay. and then, what, like a week passes, and she finds out that he wasn't, and that he's gone, and it's her fault. even after she was freed from gant's control, even after she had finally stopped lying, she couldn't prevent herself from claiming another life. so much for 'lady luck', i suppose.

and the game reiterates this multiple times. gumshoe states at the start that edgeworth's ties to those higher up in the department have made him the subject of constant rumours, and phoenix says (in front of ema) that he shouldn't be held responsible for the forged evidence because that was all lana's doing, which then leads to edgeworth commenting (again in front of ema) that he feels as though 'something inside him has died.' it all goes back to lana. we can argue and say that it was technically gant's doing that caused all of this, but lana still took actions that led to it. even her complicated friendship with edgeworth isn't spared; it's that closeness between them that exacerbated those rumours. how could she not feel responsible in some way?

and with ema, it's rather obvious, isn't it? if she hadn't gone poking her nose into things, none of this would have happened or come to light. and, of course, she'd never choose anyone over her sister, not for anything in the world — it's simply not a question, but that's the problem, isn't it? it's not a question. it's not some hypothetical moral dilemma. it just is. she may not have killed neil marshall, but she still has one king of prosecutor's blood on her hands. and now she has to live with that. she just. has. to live with it. no matter if he chose otherwise.

moving on from that a little, i think it's actually wild how much of ema's journey to becoming a forensics investigator is paved with bad memories. neil marshall's death and her subsequent inability to testify are what drives her to begin pursuing it, her first proper investigation results in her idol's "death" and when she finally graduates, the person who saved her sister has been disbarred, and she can't even help because she isn't allowed to. all that pain and constant pursuit of her goals, and she's still the same ema skye, still that girl shrouded in darkness, always one step behind the truth, one step a little too late. no wonder she was angry in aa:aj. i would be furious.

#and then like a year later they find out edgeworth's fine and if that happened to me i think i would kill him fr #WKSHDKAHDKS #lana skye #ema skye #miles edgeworth #the skye sisters' relationship with one dramatic depressed prosecutor is something that can be so personal... #ive literally never thought this much about lana or ema ever. they never occupy my thoughts but somehow. #everyone else: man edgeworth's vanishing must have had a real impact on franziska and phoenix. me: what about these 2 side characters who #technically only appeared once in the whole trilogy. in a dlc. what about them. #it's actually so interesting how much lana is set up to be important to edgeworth. phoenix even says she reminds him of mia and when i #first read that i was like ??? bc of the scarf? there's more to mia than a scard phoenix. but then you pay attention to how she interacts #with edgeworth and it's like oh. i see it now. and then she disappears forever. #mind you i dont think she or ema were like. destroyed by the news of edgeworth's supposed passing. not in the way phoenix was anyway. #for better or worse both lana and ema are shown to have a tight hold over themselves emotionally speaking. lana keeps a lid on them for #years and ema is told she might have killed neil by accident and is functional after a brief faint and recess. like those women are strong. #but i do think it would have had a deep impact regardless of how well they were able to cope. like i've said i dont see how it wouldnt. #anyway this concludes my rfta moment. time to go back to being unable to say a thing about susato-san even though she occupies my every #waking moment. if you read all this ily <3 #it's also past midnight so if this is all a bit everywhere im sorry

[oatbugs]

Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art. #you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea? #if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

[junotter]

sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki

#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk #like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions #while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized #but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama #and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction #i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me #anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa #and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan #ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places #and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls #i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show #they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation #theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets #back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame #plus over done #it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan #but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions #also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island #from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference #and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading #and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references #cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on #i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand #i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix #god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china” #my brother in christ red is also important in japan #red is important in like many many asian cultures #i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches #like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan #but a lot of those comes from china in some way

[prestonmonterey]

i hope my friends never get the feeling that they need to have something important to say to be able to talk to me

#marble musings #its just like #an awful feeling #had someone i knew who kinda just like ignored my attempts to make conversation bc im like. not good at talking to people #and i was really sad bc i just wanted to like. enjoy her company #and ive been told by a couple people that they thought i was kinda intimidating??? #which is so funny to me bc im like SO scared to talk to people #anyway yeah you dont have to like #say something important or anything #if you dont want to #i mean im like actual shit at small talk but ill still try my best if you just say like 'hi' and wanna start a conversation #(ugh unless youre the kind of person who shuts down small talk questions i cannot deal with that. #there was someone i talked to who i was like asking questions to bc i wanted to like keep the conversation going bc i like. think thats wha #they wanted #but id say like 'hows school' or 'whats a fun fact about yourself' and theyd just give like one word answers which is alright but if you #wanna hold a proper conversation that doesnt really work #and when they answered the questions they didnt throw it back to me like 'how bout you' or something #theyd just. sit there #and i was like #damn ok should i like ask another question? #but i felt like they were trying to hint to me that they didnt wanna talk so i stopped talking #and they were fucking like 'awkwarrrd' #like DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK OR NOT) #ok sorry that was a really long tangent #i prommy im always happy to talk unless youre like a super rare exception (like 2 people ever) #in which case i will try to make it clear im not in the mood to talk or youre like making me uncomfortable or something #ok thats it #have a nice day #:)

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[jarvis-cockhead]

i still kind of believe that one of my past consciousnesses had sex with james hunt i wont lie

#also as a child to understand the concept of death i had to like. ok so i couldn't fathom a consciousness dying and disappearing #so i imagined it just jumped to another person. no memory of what was before . you just are someone different #i still find myself believe this acc whenever i feel like dying. im like ok but what if i jump ship to something better. what if its worse #what else happens?? it cant just End surely #i dont believe in reincarnation in the sense that these ships are all one person #i just think the consciousness gets recycled maybe #like switching tv channels #i got laughed at when i told someone this a few years back and idk why #i get the whole process up until the very point of nothing. but nothing cant exist. there has to be something #you cant experience nothing. and if you arent experiencing nothing then youre experiencing something #you see the logic??? it made sense to me when i was 8 anyway #anyway i used to be tuned into the channel of someone who fucked that stupid man i think #with the way i dont react like a normal human being or even like myself when i see him

[clits-and-clips]

x

#txt #tw #dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it #i do think about dying a lot #like i dont want to be here lol #people suck big time #everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive #but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need #idk #and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time #unless i can? idk #the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much #i think hed prolly follow suit #and i cant have that #plus other things like my pets etc #but what is the fucking point lol #i know eventually ill move on etc #but the world sucks man #it sucks #i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont #see myself getting better #if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse #i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have #that was ripped away from me without warning #no conversation #nothing #and he gets mad at me when i bring that up?????? #yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings #fuck everyone tbh haha #im just done

[gongedtornado]

thinking about this 85 year old customer we had that came in. the cashier said she looked good for her age and she said something along the lines of “Thank you. I’ve got all these wrinkles and I deserve ‘em’!” in the most enthusiastic tone.

she said that she thought skin care and anti-wrinkle products were ridiculous and that our skin is our history of where we’ve been. i cant remember what she said word for word but i know whatever she said brought me comfort.

#she later came in and asked if anyones seen her purse. #this lady literally handed me her whole car keys and asked me to check the back of her car again in case it was place back there #we found it . it was in her back seat #and then we talked for a little bit. she told me about where she went to college and how long she went #and i told her i was currently in college rn #she shook my hand too. probably one of the sweetest and coolest customers ive ever met while working here. #i dont even know this ladys name but shes already the second coolest old person i know #sorry for rambling im super tired and cant stop thinking about this interaction from today #i think people tend to forget that emoloyees have their own lives too and even sparking conversation and being nice like that #makes everything a little more bearable. hell even better tbh #i love when customers are nice and actually like talking to us sometimes. #i like it when they treat us as humans basically instead of just another employee #work ramble #kazzy caws

[florida3exclamationpoints]

.

#i still have to complain about work so sorry besties #so the owners (its a small business a couple owns) live in another state #so they come back here every once in a while and visit all the locations while they're here #since they cant be here in person otherwise #they were supposed to visit my store over the weekend. great for me bc i dont work weekends #they didn't come. manager said they're still in town for 'a few more days' #i dont know what that means! i work today and tomorrow 9-5 but the store is open till 7 #are they still gonna be here Wednesday???? so i could miss them??? are they gonna come after 5??? #or by 'a few more days' does he mean they're leaving tomorrow so they're coming today???? WHEN???? #lets hope they come either after 5 or after tomorrow. omg. #ALSO #my ingredients still aren't here 😐 #i finally told the manager. hes not mad at me but like. i barely have anything to do without these things #he called. and someone said smth about when i put them on the order log i didn't add the date #which im 98% sure is not true. there was one little mix up where the dates could've been deleted but idk #apparently its been ordered now..... when its coming...... idk!!!!! #but i loooooovvveeee how they tried to make it my fault i love that #i think the manager isnt mad. he said hed tell the owners it wasn't my fault if they say anything. #but still!!!!!! AAHJHHH #also. he 'reminded' me AGAIN to greet customers #and ive been telling myself id say smth about my anxiety if he brought it up again #but i had already used up so much anxiety and energy talking about the ingredients :( #so i still didn't say anything #i have stuff to keep me occupied today. maybe some of tomorrow #but if my ingredients dont come in tomorrow idk what else to do #i can make some things that haven't been ordered which im not supposed to do #i can clean. but ive cleaned this bakery SO MUCH over the last few weeks i really dont know what else to do lol #im sure someone would say its still dirty #but theres only so much i can do like!!!!!! #im gonna eat lunch now lol everythings fine everythings FINE!!!

[stupidnaturals]

.

#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me #bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer #and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on ! #unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. ' #and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out #and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like #' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that #but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to??? #and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand?? #also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me ' #or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever #and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance #which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away #like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!! #oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2 #or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too ' #and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs? #or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours #anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie? #so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again! #i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me #and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening???? #anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me

[yrieso]

im either about to kill my dance teacher or kill myself

#told my friend if our teacher says any fucking thing about how MY existing with adhd is distracting to HER then im just #going to walk out of class because i can't handle this anymore #i hate my teacher now and she's made me hate dance class and just hate dancing in general #and it feels really shitty when your biggest passion dies out because of one person #and it's ironic because i got really burnt out of dance and it was worsening my mental health in middle school #because i was being bullied by another student to the point where i got panic attacks just thinking of going to class #now im burnt out of dance and it's worsening my mental health to the point of panic attacks just thinking about going to class #because of my teacher #not to mention how she's (in the last months especially) made me extremely insecure and self conscious about my weight and #my appearance and whatnot to the point where i dont even dance around at home anymore #and im just. fucking sick of living like this!!!! #my recital is next month but even then im going to be working at my studio next year so im not gonna be free of this! #the amount of therapy sessions that have been spent just talking about issues i have from and at dance is insane #anyway. i have to go back for class tomorrow LOL #yriesodottumblrdotcom

[cherry-shipping]

this is like the most niche thing ive ever imagined with an f/o but i like thinking that papyrus could call my bluffs really easily when no one else can. specifically UMM self care and health bluffs? i dont really lie about it. i just intentionally leave stuff out so people dont worry? like, if someone asks "have you eaten today?" ill be like "oh yea i ate before i came here! ^_^" but then i tactfully leave out the part where the only thing i ate was, like, a piece of candy i found on my floor or something and prior to that i hadnt eaten for a week, and things of that nature. and people never ever realize when im bluffing which is convenient for me but obviously Bad in general, but. i like imagining that paps of all people can just sort of innately Tell when im hiding something or skewing the truth just a little bit

#because hes SMART!!!!!!!!! and GOOD AT READING PEOPLE!!!!!!! #so far the only other person whos learned that i DO bluff (even if she doesnt call them naturally) is my school counselor #thats only because i told her about how i bluff a lot. so now she kinda questions whatever i say about my own health LOL #we were talking about my arfid at one point and i said how mama wants me to go see a professional about it #and i told her id declined because while my situation wasnt ideal it wasnt THAT bad and wasnt dangerous to my health #and she was like ok so how often do you eat #and i had to be like. umm. Sometimes. #and after like 5 minutes of pushing she got me to admit i ate maybe once a week (ITS BETTER NOW THOUGH!!!!) #and she was like. ok so i think maybe your definition of whats 'dangerous' to your health isnt normal at all. #anyway i imagine paps would be like that except i DONT have to tell him. he just kind of knows when im leaving stuff out #this is also so unique to papyrus nobody else can tell not even sans despite his skill of reading faces #blegh. i think the day im like fully open and honest with my life and how i feel is the same day jesus comes back or something #cherry chats #hes also good at prying in a way where i dont feel like shit. idk how to explain it but like umm #when ive been in situations where people have pushed me until im forced to guiltily admit i was leaving stuff out i feel bad #not only because they called my bluff and learned i was (almost) lying to them but also it makes me feel bad about myself #but i think hed never make me outright say it #since he just Knows hes also able to come up with ways to bring it up without atcually saying it out loud #he knows that i know that he knows etc etc etc #AND ALSO HES UNRIVALLED WHEN IT COMES TO MANIPULATING PEOPLE INTO DOING WHAT HE WANTS (IN A NICE WAY)!!!!!!!!!!! #SO IF ANYONE CAN GET ME TO EAT ITS HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hes so smart. he just tricks people into doing stuff for their own benefit and they hardly ever realize it #hes my BEST FRIEND FOREVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333

[wtfcl0ud]

realising i had at least one 'public' breakdown a.k.a randomly starts crying uncontrollably at school or in public transportation omw from school every academic year during highschool and they didn't just start randomly happening in form 4 oops!

#i remember the ones from form 4 onward bc for some reason my memories younger than 16 are sketchy #like they're there but after lots of digging #also the two from form 4 are particularly solidified in my brain compared to others #bc they were when i had friends n my friends were arnd #whereas the others happened more solitary tho in public #like 2 happened on public transportation omw home so like it was me alone n strangers if tht makes sense #2 the first two happened in class but thr was b4 i had friends n i thought i wss hving an asthm attack #n told my teachers tht as an excuse #a next one happened b4 classes started n i went out to the balcony behind the classes which was pretty empty #one person noticed n asked if i was ok but tht was still b4 i actually had friends #and well ooh boy there were so many during covid which was my last yr of hs lol #oddly i dont remember any during the first year of uni COVID #but omg i had so much during the 2nd year uni in person #oh no wait i do remember at least one during uni covid online #in general now they just seem to happen more #but im also not sure how much is bc im aware now #bc again thinking back now i can unearth some memories of them happening pre form 4/ being 16 #dk what other memories there are #n childhood memories are shot #n while ik i was sometimes prone to moods™ #all instances or it was always excused bc of my asthma n other meds #which was true #even using them now still has the side effects so #but just slso now they happen whenever too sigh #it's just this constant realization of wait shit what if smth is really wrong cri #n it progresses beyond my control #n i cnt hide it anymore #sigh sigh sigh scary #cloud nonsense