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a-spectacle-in-the-morning · 4 years

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“Macallan Isn’t Cheap, You Know” -- Rafael Barba

Notes: I wanted to give writing for Rafael another go. He makes me so nervous though, man. Fingers crossed with this one.

Kind of Summary: You’re a detective with the SVU that gets a little too drunk and winds up at Barba’s place. Sarcasm and sweetness ensue. ALSO there’s some very brief mentions of sexual assault and murder below that goes along with a case, so just be cautious if that kind of stuff makes you uncomfortable.

Tomorrow you will probably wake with bruised knuckles, but tonight it seems worth it. That’s what your drunk brain keeps telling you. It’ll be worth it. It’ll be worth it. Don’t worry. This is a good idea. Ow.

You’ve been knocking on his door for at least several seconds. It’s only two in the morning; there’s no way he’s asleep. You hear the lock click and brace for impact.

“What are you doing here... and how did you get through the front door?”

Fair enough.

“I have a badge and I’m very convincing. And I need to talk to you,” you can’t seem to stop your mouth. “You own pajamas?”

Barba just stands in his doorframe looking at you. “Of course I own pajamas. Did you think I slept in dress pants?”

You look down to the floor as you ponder your own question. “I guess?”

When you look back up to Barba’s face you see a glint of laughter flash in his eyes. “So, back to my earlier question- what are you doing here?” And when you can’t form a rational answer he continues, “Are you okay?”

You reach over to his doorframe and run your fingers down the wood. “Can I come in?”

He sighs, but steps back holding the door open for you.

As you step inside your remaining functioning senses are overwhelmed. The living room is wide and minimalist. There’s a coffee table, a grey loveseat, and a wide window that opens the space up to the lights of the city. It all smells of dark roast coffee and oak. It’s beautiful and very, very Barba.

“Of course your apartment looks like this.” You can feel his gaze on your back as you slowly make your way across the wood floors.

“I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment.”

You start to meander in circles.

“How did you get my address, by the way?” You can tell Barba is trying to piece together what you’re doing at his place without bringing up the fact that you’re clearly inebriated. It’s kind of sweet. You turn to face him, a solid five feet between you two, and catch him taking a sip of coffee from a mug you didn’t notice him holding earlier. You aren’t surprised at all to discover he’d be brewing it so late.

“I asked Liv and she gave it to me right away. She must reeaallllyyyy want you to get laid.”

Barba chokes on his mouthful of coffee as you finish the last word . He sets his cup on the nearest surface and rubs a hand at his chest. “Is that so?” he croaks.

“Mhm.” You do a full 180 turn, extending your arms. The little semi-sober part of your brain begs you to stop. You’re in Barba’s apartment. He’s being kind and you’re acting like an idiot. But also, you feel like a helicopter.

When you stop you say, “Sorry. That’s not what I’m here for.”

“That’s good because that’s not going to happen tonight.”

You tilt your head and smile, pointing a finger at him. “Not tonight, huh? Maybe some other night, though?”

“Sit down. I’m going to get you some water.”

You follow his command and flop onto his expensive looking couch saying, “Yes sir.”

Barba stops in his path to the kitchen, shakes his head, and you’re pretty sure you catch him muttering something expletive as he starts moving again.

The lights out the window to your left are fuzzy and breathtaking. You pull your legs up and wrap your arms around them, still looking out to the city.

“Here.” Barba gently places his left hand on your shoulder and offers you the glass of water with his right.

You accept it with a quiet thank you. The couch is big enough that you can squish up into one corner as Barba sits on the other end without touching. An unknowable amount of time passes as you sit sipping your water. You fall in love with the cool feeling of it on your tongue and you fall in love with Barba and the way he patiently watches you. Then you fall out of love again. By the time the glass is empty your feelings for him are somewhere in the middle, and you know you’ll have to process that in the morning.

“I’m sorry,” you say as you set your glass on the coffee table. “Sorry for just barging in. It was unprofessional.”

You can’t make out his expression as the lights behind his head surround him in a dull sort of halo.

“Good thing we aren’t at work then,” he offers.

You untuck your legs and let them fall off of the couch. Best to be sitting like an adult for a serious conversation.

“I uh,” you try to choose the right words, but they keep slipping around in your head, “I waited for you.”

Barba’s countenance is still unreadable in the darkness, but what you just said makes his face scrunch so much you can see the lines on his forehead from your side of the sofa. “Did I miss something? I don’t remember making any plans.”

“No, we didn’t- there weren’t plans. I just went to Forlini’s tonight and I waited for you to show up. I wanted that drink that you promised me a couple weeks ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to text you. I kept typing it up and deleting it.”

“As you ordered drinks anyways?”

“Yes, jackass, as I ordered drinks anyways. We both had another shitty day so I hoped that you would be there. I waited for an hour.”

“I’m sorry. Today’s shitty day left me with lots of paperwork. I wanted to finish it as soon as possible, which meant no drinks for me.”

“You owe me fifty bucks.”

“Fifty bucks?”

“Yeah. Macallan isn’t cheap, you know.”

Barba lets out a huff and stands, picking up your glass as he makes his way back to the kitchen. “I do know.”

When he returns, but stops to stand near you as you bounce your feet, you ask, “Do you mind if I stay over? Couch of course. And I'll be gone before you wake up.”

The case you two just finished had involved a girl walking alone late at night. You were confident in your abilities to make it home, but sometimes things got to you anyways. With this case it was the image of the twenty-two year old girl thinking she could handle herself too, only to get raped and murdered on her way to a friend's house after dark.

“I can give you a ride home if you want,” Barba says, probably picking up on the source of your anxiety.

“Don’t want me to stay?”

“That’s not what I said. I want you to be comfortable. If that means a late night road trip, so be it.”

“Hm.” You stand to be equal with him. The tables have turned, and his face is now lit by the blues and yellows of the buildings behind you. You’re happy to think that he can’t see the tender and open look on your own. “I think I’ll be okay here, but thanks for the offer. You’re a real sweetheart under all that ego.”

“Alright, that’s it. Bed time.”

You laugh and instinctively follow him as he leads you further into his apartment. By the time you realize where he’s taking you he’s already flipped the lights to his bedroom on and started folding the covers down.

“I’m perfectly happy on the couch. Promise. Please don’t make me feel like even more of an asshole by taking your stupidly large and soft looking bed from you.”

He walks back to where you’re stuck by the entryway and stops in front of you. “I’m not going to get any sleep tonight anyways. One of us should get to enjoy it.”

“Not planning on joining me, Counselor?”

Oh my God. I’m never drinking again, you think.

But Barba just rolls his eyes and moves to return to his office. You catch his hand as he steps past you. Before he can say anything you press a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks.”

You can’t read the look on his face and you aren’t sure if it’s because of the booze or the fact that five thousand emotions seem to be racing behind his eyes. You shrug and make your way over to his bed, flipping and falling into it so you’re laying on your back.

He switches the light off with the smallest “goodnight” you’ve ever heard.

“Goodnight Rafael.”

And you swear as you slip off to sleep that you see Barba fail to hold back a smile as he shuts the door.

Yes, this is another attempt at a follow up for this. I wasn’t happy with how my other follow up turned out and I wanted to give it another go. I feel like this fits the vibe of “Woeful Wins” a bit better. At this point I also feel like I have to admit that I actually hate whiskey. I really do. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn and not in the nice, warming way I wrote about in the first part.

The things we do for Barba…

Would you guys be interested in some semi-smut in the near future? I think I might try to do something a little smutty the next time I write Barba. Not full-on smut, but perhaps smut adjacent.

Sorry for this excessively long note after the fic. As always, massive thank yous to those of you that read my stuff. Every single like, comment, and reblog fills my little pessimistic heart with love. See y’all soon.

#rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba fanfiction #rafael barba fanfic #law and order: svu #Law and Order: Special Victims Unit #law and order: svu imagine #law and order: special victims unit imagine #fanfiction #fanfic #rafael barba

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maevefiction · 5 years

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Your Light in the Mist - Chapter 50

Luke and Simon finished up their move on November 30th, and we closed on the penthouse December 2nd. I’d been busy getting things sorted at the office, and though Tom had begun packing there was still much more to do before the company we’d hired to relocate all our worldly belongings showed up on December 15th. We figured that would give us just enough time to settle in before Christmas, which Diana would again be hosting this year. There were boxes everywhere, and at nearly seven months pregnant my ability to navigate tight spaces seemed to diminish a little more with each passing day. Since we’d been back there’d been intermittent discussions regarding what to name Prog, but everything we came up with just didn’t seem to fit. Roland had always been my first choice, but that fucker Simon had beaten me to it, and while I could technically still use it, I harbored zero desire to have to listen to him calling me a copycat for the rest of my natural life so it was officially off the table. Tom’s first choice was William, but almost immediately after mentioning it he recalled that was my ex-husband’s name and into the ‘nope’ pile it went. By the weekend of the 10th we’d gotten to the point wherein we were wrapping and packing our collectibles, AKA the socially acceptable term for adult-owned toys, at least in our case, anyway. Tom had donned his Indiana Jones fedora after finding it in the spare room and was humming the theme on and off while wielding a tape gun as if it were a weapon. I’d flopped down on the bed, at which point he’d decided to see if he could land the hat on my belly. One toss was all it took, which wasn’t surprising because an easier target would have been a challenge to establish, and I just let it remain there because removing it would have required entirely too much effort on my part. Prog decided to give it a kick, and with that, just as I’d know he was a boy, I knew his name. I sat up, hat in my hand, eyes wide. Tom stared at me, concerned.

“Everything all right?”

Nodding, I waved the fedora at him. “This is it. The name. His name.”

Tom’s left eyebrow rose as his head tilted to the right. “Fedora?”

I rolled my eyes. “Really? No. Not fedora.”

He pursed his lips, one hand rising to stroke his jaw. “Surely you don’t mean to call him Indiana. Though, that is rather cool, if I’m honest…but it sounds awful in conjunction with Hiddleston, doesn’t it?”

I sighed heavily in exasperation at his lack of comprehension, be it genuine or a ruse, as to where I was going with this, shaking my head as I lowered my chin to my chest briefly, then turned my gaze back to him.

“No, Tom. Not Indiana. His name is Henry. Henry Thomas Hiddleston.”

His hand shifted from his jaw to cover his mouth, nearly concealing a gasp of surprise. He walked around the bed to kneel in front of me, fingers grazing my belly as he leaned forward. “Oh. Oh my. That’s it, you’re spot on. Henry. Hello Henry. Wow. Okay.” He looked up so his eyes met mine, a huge smile spreading across his face. “Guess we’ll call the dog Indiana, then.”

“Cat. We can call the cat Indiana.”

He pouted. “A house isn’t a home without a dog, Maude.”

“You know what? You’re right…a house isn’t a home without a dog. A hot dog. Which is what I want, like, right now. Help a girl up so she can go grab one out of the fridge, m’kay? All cold and salty…mmm…”

He obliged, taking my hands and providing a gentle boost. “I’d be more than happy to cook for you, you know…”

“Thank you, but…nope. Cold hot dog. Maybe two. Or three.” He stuck his tongue out, shaking his head in mock disgust. I shrugged. “Can’t be helped. What Henry wants, Henry gets, you know?”

He kissed the top of my head. “Oh, I know. What ‘Henry’ wants, is it?”

As we entered the hallway, I punched him in the arm. “Listen, I’m going to milk this whole pregnancy thing as much as possible. It’s the first time in my life I’ve had a legitimate reason to behave like a diva on a regular basis.”

“You’re no diva, love. You’re a goddess…my goddess, thank the stars…and should be treated accordingly.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that.”

He smirked. “Well, I feel as if I’ve achieved what I’d always thought was an impossible victory.”

“Whatever. Hush up and fix me my hot dog.”

“Hmmm, I thought Henry was the one who…”

“Is that how we treat the goddess, Tom? Is it?”

Bowing deeply, he took my hand and brought it to his lips as he gazed up at me. “No. No it is not. Shall I make it up to you by delivering your meal to the couch so you can sit back and elevate your legs?”

I patted him on the head as he rose. “That’s more like it. Also, yes please. And thank you.”

“C’est mon plaisir, Maude.”

“Oh god, not the French.” I’d developed a bit of a kink for it over the past month, which he’d graciously accommodated. Rear entry was really the only position that worked well for us of late, and my libido had tanked considerably. Him talking dirty always got me in the mood, though, and when he spoke in French it was like my stupid maternity pants just fell right off. Once he’d discovered that saying literally anything in that particular language got me fired up, even if I had no idea what the fuck it meant, he began making a habit of interjecting it into our conversations when I least expected it.

“Votre chaud chien vous attend.”

I recognized a good bit of that, especially the words for ‘hot’ and ‘dog’. “Pretty sure hot dog in French is just…hot-dog, Tom.”

“That’s not nearly as erotic as chaud chien, is it?”

I groaned. “No. No it’s not. You suck.”

He grinned. “We’ll see.”

****************************************

Once all our stuff was in place and put away, it became apparent that the penthouse was downright vast as far as space was concerned. The sofa and chairs blended in nicely with the modern design, and the tree of life rug looked perfect in front of the built-in white shelf that ran the length of the closed stair railing, but they seemed so much…smaller. Even the dining table was dwarfed by the openness, though it was, at least in part, sort of freeing…less cluttered living. The bar-style island required the purchase of new chairs so we could eat there when we felt like it, and I insisted upon the kind with backs as opposed to bar stools because I knew I’d end up ass over teakettle otherwise. Admittedly, there was an awful lot of white cabinetry throughout, but the floor to ceiling windows let in so much light it seemed much more New York flat-ish as opposed to New Orleans house-ish. The entry point was on the lower floor, within the rectangular portion of the building. Just inside the main door and to the left was a guest half-bath, with a hall door that led to two large bedrooms with full en suites. In the entryway, next to the door to the bedrooms, was a hall closet. Directly across the entryway from the closet was the double-door entrance to the circular portion of the building. Straight ahead through the doors and on the right-hand side of the circle there was a staircase to the second level, and to the left was a door to another small hallway that led to two more en suites, one average-sized rectangular bedroom and a a second three-sided bedroom comprised of two traditional walls and one curved measuring twenty-seven by eleven feet overall. Down past the staircase and on the left was the entrance to the twenty by eighteen-foot master suite, with a full quarter-circle glass wall on one side overlooking a forty by nine-foot terrace. The bath was also quarter-circle in shape, and the dressing room rectangular. We sacrificed some of the dressing room square footage in order to put in a door to the other semi-circular bedroom, figuring it would be an ideal location for Henry’s nursery. The upstairs footprint was identical to that of the lower level, though wide open except for the small wall that served to support the kitchen cabinetry. There was another half bath just off the kitchen in the squared-off dining room area, as well as sliders to the large private outdoor deck that overlooked Regent’s Park. Where to display our book collection was our biggest conundrum…the only section of appropriate public wall space was in the living room opposite the television and stairs, but the couch was backed against it so they’d have to be above and behind us, which would make it impractical to peruse them easily since they’d be difficult to reach. There was space for shelving downstairs just before the staircase, but not enough room for everything. The entry area was also an option, but still, not enough room. We decided to store them in the smallest bedroom until we’d grown accustomed to day-to-day living in the penthouse and had a better feel for the flow, especially since there were more pressing issues that required our attention at the moment. Issues like ‘holy fuck, what actually, like, goes in a nursery anyway and where do we buy this shit’.

The answer to ‘where do we buy this shit’ was simple…the internets, thank you very much. As it turned out what goes in a nursery was also answered simply and included a.) place for the baby to sleep, b.) place to dress the baby and conduct baby-waste removal and related clean-up activities, c.) place to store the things required for item b and finally d.) a rocking glider which was sold under the pretense of baby feeding and baby rocking but was more than likely a spot for the parental units to collapse because they were too exhausted to walk another fifteen feet to their bed after completing all of the aforementioned tasks. Things got complicated when the morons with minimal baby experience attempted to choose the design style for the nursery components while trying very, very hard to be mindful of the form over function rule but wound up falling down the ‘oh, we might need this too’ rabbit hole. There was the Baby Bay, a white three-quarter crib that attached underneath a mattress so there could be co-sleeping without the danger of rolling over and suffocating the infant, which seemed like a great idea since I’d decided I’d give breast feeding a go. Next was a tripod bassinet for upstairs that came complete with a curtain to block out light in case Henry needed to crash out while we were doing Adult Things. It looked like a teepee, and I questioned its stability but Simon said it was perfectly fine and that he’d ordered them for their old place above the office, which would function as a family-friendly home-away-from-home for him and Luke going forward. For when Henry was awake, a baby lounger was evidently required, and I chose a 3-in-1 bouncy-recliner model with a light wood base and a micro-fiber seat, finding myself left bitterly disappointed that such things, if available, were not easy to find in an adult size. All of the furniture was either white or grey, or white and grey, other than the clear acrylic rolling bookshelf, which looked like it was straight out of Magneto’s prison cell. The crib railings were white and the sides grey, and the nightstands and dresser/changer combo mimicked the same design, both sporting grey sides and white drawers. The glider was oversized...really oversized, and I was pretty sure Tom and I would be able to squeeze into it together when I was no longer a sci-fi movie sized dinosaur egg with appendages. It was grey mock-tweed, as was the ottoman, both with brushed chrome bases. We’d found a Mima Xari aluminum and black stroller that screamed ‘Maude! Shiny! For baby!’ but was priced at a ludicrous $1700…after watching several videos and evaluating the cost of the individual components we’d still need to purchase if we went with a different model, I gave in, reassuring myself that this was one of those rare instances wherein function and form melded perfectly. We copied Luke and Simon’s car seat and baby wrap choices since they’d been researching prior to the actual conception of the girls, and other than incidentals like diapers, clothing and bedding, Tom and I felt we were prepared for Henry’s arrival. Or at least we felt as such until we thought of yet another ‘oh, right, that’, which, for me, was a significant indicator that no one is ever fully prepared for such a momentous event and that parenting would probably be like everything else in life…a total ‘fake-it-‘til-you-make-it’ scenario. Shit happens, you deal with it. Which just happened to be my specialty.

Christmas at Diana’s was peaceful, joyful and chock full of hilarity. No painful family secrets to be revealed, no anger, no resentment…a simple gathering of people who’d endured a great deal of ups and downs over the past twelve months and were feeling incredibly blessed to be in each other’s company while not-at-all politely competing for the title of Scrabble Champion. I knew that trying to keep the fact that I was carrying a boy under wraps would likely be an epic fail, so once we’d settled in on Christmas Eve Tom mentioned that we’d learned the gender and since we might slip up we’d prefer to tell everyone prior to such an occurrence. James wept at the news, beaming with pride as he strode toward me. I could feel myself bristling initially, but when he kissed his right palm and then placed it on my belly and said ‘first a granddaughter and now a grandson…how fortunate a man am I to see this come to pass’ I realized I’d read his reaction entirely incorrectly and felt like a huge jerk until I was distracted by a plate of scones being circulated among us.

As part of her gift to us Diana asked if we’d allow her to paint a mural in the nursery, which was a fantastic idea, but drew attention to the fact that we’d yet to choose a theme. This was unacceptable in parenting circles, apparently. Worse, even, than not having a birthing plan that laid out every detail right down to the specific piece of music you wished to play as your baby emerged from your womb. Every theme we’d considered left us feeling ‘meh’ at best…they were either too gendered, too boring, too busy, or just plain fugly. Dr. Seuss had been a viable option for a day or two, but the more I stared at the bedding the less interesting it became and boom…suddenly, meh. On Christmas morning, after all our other gifts had been opened, Diana left the room briefly and returned with a large box wrapped in red foil and set it on the floor in front of the sofa Tom and I were lounging on. From her expression I discerned that she was both excited and nervous about us seeing the contents inside. She smiled sheepishly.

“Now if you don’t have use for any of this, please don’t think I’ll be offended. And please don’t you be offended by my presumptuousness…it’s just that Tom was always very fond of…well, I’d best let you open it before I spoil things, shouldn’t I?”

Inside was a plastic tub, which Tom lifted out and placed beside the gift box, jaw dropping as he removed the lid.

“Mum, my god…is this what I think it is?”

She nodded. “I saved all of your layettes and other special items from when you were babies, both because I love to look at them from time to time and because I thought you might want them for your own babies someday…” She trailed off, sniffling.

Tom began removing onesies, rompers, footed pajamas, tiny t-shirts, shorts, and overalls…all of them bearing at least one character from the Winnie the Pooh series. I watched them pile up on his thighs until one in particular caught my eye. I reached for it, surprised by the fact that it was in such beautiful condition all these years later. It was a jumpsuit, the sleeves, collar and and ankle cuffs a cream-colored cotton, the rest a green, brown, yellow and cream plaid flannel with four white decorative buttons down the front. To the right and towards the bottom was an embroidered Pooh raking leaves, and to the left and near the shoulder was an embroidered Tigger appearing to be leaping out of the jumpsuit pocket while tossing leaves into the air. I couldn’t stop staring at it, Diana’s voice when she spoke sounding as if it was emanating from another room.

“I’d always loved Winnie the Pooh, and so did Tom, right from the start. He’d get so excited when I’d sing him the theme song, even when he still fit in those clothes, his legs and arms flailing about…”

Sarah snorted. “That’s still how he dances, to this day.”

I smiled because she sure as shit wasn’t wrong, but could also feel myself tearing up as my fingers traced over Pooh and Tigger and the softness of the flannel, picturing Diana singing to Tom while he was wearing it, then imagining myself singing to Henry while he was wearing the very same garment. The tears began to flow, running down my cheeks in spite of my best efforts to not cry. I looked up at Diana and found her frowning, concern in her eyes.

“Oh goodness, I’m so sorry, I didn’t…”

I smiled through my tears. “No, no…please don’t be sorry. This…these…all beautiful…I just…I don’t have any of this sort of stuff and I’m so grateful that you do and that you’ve chosen to share it with me. With us. It means more than I can ever properly express. Thank you, Diana. So much. I don’t suppose that mural can be a scene from the Hundred Acre Wood, could it?”

She gasped, her own tears glimmering with flashing colors, reflecting the tree lights. “Really? Well what an unexpected and perfect gift for me…yes, yes. I have one in mind already, actually…”

Tom leaned in to wipe my tears with his thumbs and kiss my cheek, grinning. “That’s our theme problem solved then, eh?”

I nodded, snuggling into his side. “Yep. Only one thing left on our list, really.”

He draped his arm around my shoulders. “And what’s that?”

I patted my belly. “Convincing Henry to exit the premises as scheduled.” He laughed, and I pointed my left index finger in his direction. “It’s a legitimate concern.”

“It’s not uncommon to go past the due date, is it?”

I shook my head. “No. But I’m crossing my fingers that l he’ll take after me as opposed to you in regard to timeliness.”

As he began to speak Diana interrupted him. “Maude, perhaps it will ease your mind a bit to know that Tom was the only child I bore that wasn’t late. All downhill after that though, as far as being prompt goes, I’m afraid.”

Tom attempted to speak again, only to be interrupted by me this time around. “So there IS hope after all…even if it’s fleeting, I’ll take it.”

****************************************

Tom opened and held the Bull & Last’s heavy wooden entry door for me so I could waddle my way inside. Though I was now officially five days beyond my due date, we were out and about on a Friday night to meet Luke and Simon for a Tom’s day-late birthday and early Valentine’s Day celebration dinner. It was their first time out of the house together sans children since Persephone and Esmerelda had arrived on December 28th, and probably Tom’s and my last for a while. I’d covered the Prosper office from that point until Luke had returned on February 1st and I’d wanted to keep working, but Tom very gently suggested that perhaps I should take some time off to relax before Henry joined us. An argument ensued and I may or may not have called him a sexist asshole prior to discussing the matter via phone with Dr. Phillips who agreed that it was probably best to take it easy since I’d begun experiencing some edema, which he’d mentioned a week earlier but I’d decided to ignore. I considered calling him a sexist asshole as well, but Tom had clicked the end call button before I had a chance to properly evaluate the situation. After he retrieved a bag of truffles from the kitchen for me we’d had a little chat wherein we attempted to establish why I might be feeling the need to keep working, during which I stared him straight in the eye and said very matter-of-factly that there was a human growing inside me and it was going to come OUT of me and there was nothing I could do about it but maybe if I just kept going things would stay just as they were forever. AKA, I was scared shitless about the entire process, I felt powerless, I didn’t like feeling powerless, so I did something that made me feel powerful as a distraction so I wouldn’t have to face reality. Classic Maude, Impending Motherhood Edition. The fear had remained until three days ago when Henry did a somersault that nearly knocked me off the couch and I began having to pee every forty minutes or so. A few hours into that fuckery I was willing to try anything to get labor going, but when I’d gotten up this morning I’d found myself in a state of quiet acceptance. I’d gotten my wish…I was going to be pregnant FOR-EV-ER.

We spotted the free birds at the corner window table, all the way at the back of the main room to the left of the fireplace. My black leather boots, which Tom had kindly put on for me since my feet and I hadn’t seen each other in four weeks or so, clunked as we made our way across the wooden floor. As we drew closer Simon stood and clapped.

“Oh honey, I love that dress…” His clapping ceased as he tiled his head from one side to the other. “Maude. You’re waddling. Which you weren’t doing when I saw you Tuesday. Wowza.”

“Yes. The waddling. I’m aware. Also, I can’t wear pants anymore and this is the only dress I could squeeze into that was suitable for public consumption but, you know, yay that you love it, I guess.” It was a tea-length black mock-turtleneck sweater dress, the merino wool blend making it possible to go without a coat, which was necessary since none of those fucking fit me any longer, either. I sighed as Tom pulled out the chair nearest the fireplace for me, then lowered myself down like a sloth. There was no need for him to push me in because my belly was already mere centimeters from the table. Simon was directly across from me, and he walked around the table and squatted next to me, tapping on my stomach gently.

“Henry, I’m sure it’s cozy in there, but you really need to come out and play with us. Your friends Seph and Ez can’t wait to meet you.” The girls were, not surprisingly, gorgeous…both blonde, Seph with Luke’s brown eyes and Ez’s eyes a shade lighter than Simon’s grey ones. I’d held them both, separately, which was terrifying enough, thank you very much, but every time it was Ez’s turn Henry became far more active than normal. I’d even made a point of testing the theory, and it totally panned out. Seph, nothing. Ez, kicks and shifting aplenty. I had not a clue what the deal was, but it was fascinating nonetheless.

I patted the top of Simon’s head. “I appreciate your efforts, kind sir. But I think he’s just a tiny bit…dare I say…stubborn. And I have no idea where he gets that from. Certainly not from me.”

Tom sat, pulling his chair forward. “Not from me either. It’s an unsolvable riddle, in my opinion.”

We all laughed as Simon returned to his seat, took a sip of his wine, planted a kiss on Luke’s cheek, then lifted his glass high. “Cheers, dear friends. To laughter, love and life.”

Tom and I raised our water glasses and Luke lifted his very full beer mug carefully, all of us clinking in the middle. The waiter arrived with menus, and I stared at mine for entirely too long trying to find something that appealed to me. All of the entrees were a no, so I ordered sides – a bread basket, Buttermilk Chicken & Aioli, and Triple Cooked Chips. Tom opted for the Chargrilled Onglet, Simon the Chargrilled Aged Cote de Boeuf, and Luke the Beer Battered Haddock. Halfway through dinner I reached across to snag a piece of beef from Simon’s plate and felt a pop, then a rush of warm liquid between my thighs. I froze, and my expression was presumedly cause for concern because, in unison, the three of them asked if I was all right. I took a deep breath as I put down my fork and leaned back into my seat.

“Well, I’m pretty sure my water just broke, so…I mean, I don’t know?”

Tom whipped his phone out of the back pocket of his black dress pants, and I heard him greeting Dr. Phillips as I pondered my predicament. On one hand, I was thrilled, and on the other, frightened. Weren’t there supposed to be contractions first? Because I’d yet to have any, so did that mean something was wrong? I’d read about labor over and over but my ability to retain information had declined considerably throughout my pregnancy, which was a common occurrence. I shook my head.

“But yet I remember that relatively unimportant fact in a rather ironic fashion.”

Tom told Dr. Phillips that he didn’t recall me mentioning anything about it, then passed me the phone. He was white as a sheet, and I could tell he was trying very, very hard to not freak out. I took it from his shaking hand and held it up to my left ear, Dr. Phillips’s tempered Scottish accent causing me to envision Sean Connery, as per usual. He resembled him, really, though shorter and much rounder. Grey hair, bald on top with a closely cropped beard and piercing dark brown eyes. Kind of like a cross between Santa Claus and James Bond, in the business of delivering presents and a being a huge hit with the ladies.

“Maude! Finally some news, eh?”

“Uh-huh. I felt a pop, then a sploosh…but I haven’t had any contractions…is that normal? I know I knew the answer to that but I just…don’t anymore. Oy.”

He chuckled. “Hormones wreak unexpected havoc, don’t they? Yes, it’s normal. But, you should head to the Portland tonight to check in. Labor usually begins within twenty-four hours after the amniotic sac starts leaking, and being in hospital reduces the risk of infection. Which is quite minimal, mind you. So, Tom said he couldn’t recall you mentioning any pain. Be that as it may, I’ll ask you in any case…have you experienced any pain?”

“Other than my lower back screaming at me, no. And that’s nothing new. I mean, it does seem worse today than usual but…oh, shit. Back labor. Is this back labor, do you think? Also, as I do for all medical professionals forced to interact with me while I’m experiencing any sort of pain, I’m going to go ahead and apologize now not just for this singular instance of the use of profanity but for the hundreds of others you’ll likely be hearing until this whole birth thing is done and over with. So, sorry. Anyway…back labor?”

“At what point did the intensity of the pain increase, Maude? A general timeframe is what I’m after here, so precision isn’t essential.”

Throughout the entire duration of baby-harboring I’d kept as active as possible, doing yoga, walking outdoors and on the treadmill in our new gym, dancing when the spirit moved me…and I’d only gained twenty pounds. Up until four weeks prior I hadn’t felt constrained in any way, really, but by then I’d gotten so large that yoga was no longer possible and once the routine stretching ceased the muscles in my lower back became stiff and sore. It was most noticeable when I was standing for long periods and eased when I resumed a sitting position. When Tom and I had gone grocery shopping last night the pain had definitely been more pronounced, and it had continued even when I was in a horizontal position, trying to get some sleep between bathroom trips. I hadn’t thought anything of it because, frankly, I expected random physical components to begin failing the longer I continued to schlepp Henry’s estimated nine-plus pounds around. I squeezed my eyes shut as I answered the question, embarrassed by my ignorance.

“Um, almost twenty-four hours ago.”

There was a long pause, followed by Dr. Phillips first inhaling, then exhaling deeply. “All right then. As I said, next step is getting you to the Portland. May I speak with Tom again, please, Maude?”

I laughed. “You’re going to tell him that I’ve probably been in labor for a whole day and we need to bust a move so I don’t give birth right here or something, aren’t you? Sure, you can talk to him…but I’m going to put you on speaker, okay?” I tapped the button, then handed the phone back to Tom, who wasn’t quite as white but still far paler than normal. He cleared his throat, then spoke.

“I’m here, Dr. Phillips. We’re about fifteen minutes away from the hospital. Will that do?”

“Get there just as soon as you can. Maude, if you begin to experience contractions, be sure either you or Tom track the time between. I’ll make sure everything is ready by the time you arrive. If things escalate quickly, call emergency services first, then me. All right?”

Tom nodded, then remembered Dr. Phillips couldn’t see him. “Yes. Thank you. We’ll be leaving immediately.”

Dr. Phillips assured us that everything would be fine, wished us luck, then hung up. Simon, who’d remained refreshingly subdued during the exchange, began babbling as Luke sipped his beer.

“Ohmygod, okay, this is happening. It’s happening. Do you need us to drive you? We can drive you and bring your car down later. You have your go bag with you, right, Maude? In the car? Have to remember to get that on the way out…”

I covered my face with my hands, my voice muffled as I spoke. “No. I do not have my go bag. My go bag is sitting in the hallway at home, where I put it so I’d remember to ask Tom to put it in the car when we left. It was in the car, but I decided to reorganize it for the hundredth time yesterday. Hence why it’s sitting. In the hallway. At home.”

Tom gently pulled my hands away from my face and held them in his own, placed a kiss on each palm, then released them. “We’ll figure it out, love. First things first…we need to, as you said previously, bust a move.”

Luke stood, and Simon followed suit. “Simon can use our vehicle to go back to the Atrium and pick up your bag, I’ll drive you in yours and we’ll all meet up at the hospital.”

Just like they’d transitioned to a family vehicle, Tom and I had purchased a Range Rover Sport right after the holidays. I wasn’t a Jeep, but I’d deemed it acceptable, at least in the gunmetal grey body color. What I wasn’t prepared to deem acceptable was someone chauffeuring us in it on our birth pilgrimage…we’d decided that it would only be the two of us in the delivery room, hospital staff being the only exception, and I’d assumed it would be only the two of us on the way there as well. As I pushed down on the table and began to stand with the intention of stating that we’d be fine on our own but I’d really appreciate them picking up the enormous bag of shit I probably didn’t even need and dropping it off at the hospital, my first official contraction hit me like a freight train. I’d read that they were supposed to feel like menstrual cramps, but to me this…this felt more like food poisoning cramps on steroids. Once it passed I realized I had no concept whatsoever of how long it had lasted, or whether or not I’d remained silent. I didn’t recall having spoken, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t uttered some sort of reflexive primal scream. With the pain gone I was able to stand fully erect, and as I glanced to my right toward the bar no one was staring back at me so I figured I was in the clear as far as making a spectacle of myself went. For now, anyway. I turned to Tom, who was now standing as well, his eyes wide. The flash of utter terror I saw in them before he smiled at me changed my stance on being chauffeured.

I nodded. “Luke, that sounds great. Thank you. Simon, you have the key, right?” He nodded in turn. We had a set of keys to their place and they had one for ours, just in case of an accidental loss, lock-out or in the event of an emergency situation. I would have thought the latter wouldn’t be the first time they’d be needed, but hey, the universe is full of surprises, isn’t it? Fucking A it is. The sensation of something crawling down the inside of my left leg diverted my attention downward, scanning the wooden floor and hoping I wouldn’t see any droplets of amniotic fluid. Nope, so far so good…but the chair I’d been sitting on hadn’t been so fortunate. It was shiny, as if it had just been wiped with a wet cloth, which it had been, in a way…but it was a woolen wet cloth, also known as my dress. I grabbed my napkin and dried the wood as best I could, then found myself wondering what the fuck to do with the soiled square of cloth. Putting it back on the table for our waiter to pick up would be super gross, and I’d left my purse in the car. Tom took note of my dilemma and reached out, grabbed the napkin and stuffed it into his front pants pocket. He was wearing a maroon sweater over a white button-down, and in that moment I loved him so fiercely it startled me. A sense of renewed energy and an almost absolute power flowed through me, and I took two steps toward him, then grabbed on to both of his forearms.

“I’m ready. Let’s go have this baby.”

He inclined his head in the affirmative, and I released him, then turned around and began to make my way toward the heavy wooden doors, pushing the one marked ‘exit’ outward. Tom was right behind me, close enough so no one would notice if there happened to be a dark spot on my dress…not that I gave a single fuck. I waddled my ass out into the night and down the sidewalk toward our car, my love in tow and my mind set on one purpose, and one purpose only…finally meeting our son.

#your light in the mist #chapter 50

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strmyweather · 5 years

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35.

I know I’m supposed to dread getting older, but honestly, I never really have. That’s probably at least in part due to the fact that my parents have both aged incredibly gracefully, and I have every hope that I’ll follow in their footsteps—but also, I feel as though I’ve learned and grown so much through my late 20s and early 30s that it’s pretty hard to wish that process would stop. I definitely wouldn’t choose to go back, even if I could.

Still, thirty-five does ‘feel’ like a big birthday on some levels. I mean, I’m a whole new survey demographic now (not an ‘18- to 34-year-old adult’ anymore). I’m officially a CrossFit Masters athlete (yay!). And if I were to have a kid (which at this point is pretty unlikely), I’d now be formally classified as an ‘elderly primigravida’ (sexyyyyy).

At any rate, the steady turning of the earth just has me thinking this year, a bit more so than other years. So, just for fun, here are a few things I’ve learned—some silly, some semi-profound, but all thoroughly true, at least in terms of my own experience of the world.

Any of these ring true for anyone else?

1. In general, seeking out new experiences is more fulfilling than trying to recreate old ones. There are always exceptions — I’ve seen the Broadway show Wicked something like eleven times, in part because I honestly enjoy seeing the different actors’ takes on the characters that I (now) know so well. I ran the NYC Marathon a second time, because I didn’t have the race I wanted to have when I did it in 2014. But in general, our most cherished life experiences are special at least in part because of their uniqueness, and we’re happier when we accept that awesome day or event or moment as a beautiful standalone memory, versus trying to duplicate our joy.

2. At a restaurant, order the thing that you’d never cook for yourself. Restaurants are special, or should be. Most of us don’t eat out every day, or even every week—and we also don’t typically go out on our own; it’s usually a date with a dining companion (or two, or ten) with whom we’re looking forward to spending some quality time. So if you’re in it for the experience, then you kind of owe it to yourself to get the tuna tartare or the fried ice cream or whatever amazing thing you’d never go to the trouble of learning to make at home.

3. Nope, that to-do list is never going to stop scrolling through your brain… One unfortunate fact of adulthood, it seems to me, is that there will never not be something that you ‘should be doing’. There’s a certain level of baseline chatter that you just have to learn to shelve.

4. …but travel is one huge thing that helps with hitting Pause on that list. If you’re only focused on the next couple of hours—where exactly is that ferry port, how do you say ‘bathroom’ in Greek, and what should we have for lunch today?—then it’s hard to remember the closet cleanouts and plant repotting that you’ve been meaning to do.

5. Speaking of which—carry-on only. Always and forever. Even if you’re staying for a month. There is always a way to do it. Bag fees aside, it also keeps you from ever being separated from your stuff, and it’s also just so much simpler logistically—I’m a travel backpack devotee, and I can’t count the number of times my life has been made easier by the fact that I could physically manhandle my own possessions without assistance (up steep flights of hostel stairs in London, through a tropical downpour in Zanzibar, during an hourlong border crossing in Nicaragua).

6. You don’t have to love your job. I mean, it’s easier if you don’t HATE it, either, but… they call it ‘work’ for a reason. You’re not failing if your job isn’t the thing that drives you to spring out of bed in the morning. Despite what social media would have us believe, very few of us actually have the luxury of having our personal interests, our inherent talents, and our actual income all line up—and there’s nothing wrong with that. (And, also worth considering: if my paycheck actually depended on language-learning or CrossFit or international travel, would I still love those things quite as much?)

7. For the most part, vegetables are legitimately delicious. Subtitle: 'Please Stop Steaming Your Brussels Sprouts'. A food you think you don’t like is usually a food that you just haven’t had cooked properly. (Okra isn’t slimy if it’s sliced into medallions, tossed with a little cornmeal, salt, and pepper, and sautéed in just a tiny bit of oil. You're welcome.)

8. Just because you are CAPABLE of doing something—physically, mentally, or emotionally—doesn't mean that thing is necessarily the best FIT for you. As a teenager (with many natural intellectual gifts, but going through a rather unfortunate Shania Twain idolization phase), I was once told by an authority figure, “To whom much is given, much is expected.” Yikes. Talk about feeling like you’re not measuring up. Whether real or imagined, that burden stuck with me for decades—and my resume is sprinkled with some pretty impressive entries from my 20s and early 30s. But what you can’t see there is the associated anxiety, insomnia, weight gain, and general dissatisfaction. It’s taken a long time for me to shake off the reflex that I ‘should’ be aim to be the ‘best’ at absolutely everything—to internalize the fact that, while my abilities matter, so does my own personal happiness. I have a far better work-life balance—and feel like much more of a ‘whole person’—now, at age 35, by virtue of having accepted a position that (on paper) is a little less impressive. In my current role, I still make a difference in people’s lives—but it turns out that I actually have more to give to others by virtue of the fact that I’m also able to take care of myself.

9. Almost no decision is actually permanent. The one exception might be the choice to have a kid—once you take that leap, you’re kind of in it for the long haul. But everything else—romantic relationships, career choices, homeownership—sure, it’s all super stressful and keeps us awake at night… but almost all of it IS still changeable, if we need it to be.

10. Most people you meet are struggling in ways that you know nothing about... The ones who seem to have everything? Rest assured, they don’t. And the ones who are acting ‘off’ and making you second-guess yourself? Chances are good that their behavior has nothing whatsoever to do with you. We humans are inherently short-sighted, selfish creatures whose default mode is to look out mostly for ourselves—evolution made us that way—and yet, in this society filled with modern comforts, we can and should be kinder.

11. ...and strong people only get that way by having gone through something. When you meet someone amazing, remember that they usually had to pass through some kind of test to become the person they now are. I often find myself looking at brilliant, kind, steady, smart, capable people with equal parts admiration and curiosity—wondering, “What darkness did you fight?”

12. The way to tell a ‘good’ lie is to include one solid detail. I’ll preface by saying that lying in general just isn't worth it, not least because it becomes super hard to keep track of… and people can also smell overcompensation a mile away. But on the occasions when you need to tell a relatively harmless fib—to turn down an invitation, to spare someone's feelings, to get out of a party, whatever—include just one good bit of realism. “One of my friends is going through a breakup and I told her I’d meet her for drinks tonight.” “Turns out my parents are coming into town next week, so I don’t think I should commit to that quite yet.”

13. Art is the best travel souvenir. Food gets eaten, clothes blend in with the rest of the closet and lose their connotation. But art is a colorful home addition, a perfect conversation starter, and a constant visible reminder of the adventures you’re had. And if you can simultaneously support a local artist from whatever awesome place you’re traveling to, so much the better.

14. Trains are way more pleasant than planes. The trip might take just slightly longer on paper, but think about it. Free wifi, plenty of legroom, a café car, the ability to stroll, zero required ‘cushion’ time for security screening… and, in sharp contrast to airports, train stations are typically right in the middle of the city center, which (chances are) is likely where you were going anyway.

15. If you’re lucky enough to have a cool family, stay consciously grateful for that. Families look all different ways and have all different dynamics—but we hear so much about all the problems that we sometimes take for granted the millions of ‘normal’, down-to-earth, cohesive, functional family units. Plenty of people out there are doing a really solid job—supporting one other’s various life transitions, thoughtfully listening and providing navigational advice through unforeseen challenges, raising reasonably well-adjusted kids, and straightforwardly taking each other down a peg when needed. We all screw up here and there; that’s inevitable—but if you’ve got one of the awesome families who generally puts the ‘fun’ in dysfunction, it’s worth recognizing that fact and savoring it.

16. A little bit of real stuff is better than a lot of fake stuff. (Just read the famous Amazon reviews of the sugar-free gummy bears!) But really, this is true of just about everything. What would you prefer: one deep conversation or six hours of superficial small talk? One dense fudgy brownie or a whole box of SnackWells cookies? One pair of high-quality leather boots vs a dozen pairs of knockoffs?

17. Not everyone is going to like you. And this works in gradations as well as absolutes—some people are going to like you a lot more than you like them, and lots of people won’t like you nearly as much as you like them. It’s the law of averages in action, and there generally isn’t a lot you can do about it. The takeaway is that it’s a huge waste of emotional energy to continue seeking approval from those who aren’t going to give it.

18. It’s OK to make dumb decisions once in a while as long as you accept the consequences. One of the perks of adulthood is that we're allowed to make less than optimal choices. There are times when opting to stay on that sunny rooftop for a seventh cocktail with our friends really is the ‘right’ decision for our mental health.

19. Nobody else sees your body the way you do. For better and worse, 'perceptual adaptation' is very much a Thing. We see ourselves in the mirror twenty times a day. The holiday belly or PMS bloating truly is not visible to anyone else. Not only are we just so much more highly attuned to fluctuations in our OWN bodies than those of others, but, likewise, other people are also generally way too preoccupied with their own physical ups and downs to even notice yours.

20. This country needs a Life Skills class. In recent decades, we’ve (happily) been moving away from traditional gender stereotypes—and yet, objectively, there was a lot of practical value to some of the stuff our parents learned in Home Ec and Shop. When my sister and I were teenagers, my family once sat around the dinner table and drew up a curriculum that we thought every modern public school student should have to learn by the time of their high school graduation, featuring lessons like changing a tire, sewing on a button, balancing a checkbook, and cooking a couple of basic recipes. I freely admit that, while I am a shining example of a very ‘successful’ twenty-first century student, I’m also significantly lacking in a lot of knowledge areas that would have been considered ‘basic’ not so many years ago.

21. The majority of us wake up with an ‘earworm’. Start paying attention. It’s easy to disregard, but I’ll bet you wake up with a random song in your head first thing every morning.

22. Learning a second (or third, or tenth) language literally causes your brain to work in different ways. You know that pleasant collective lingering that sometimes happens after a group of people have eaten a meal together? Where they all stay around the table—conversing, laughing, relaxed, maybe sipping one last drink? Yeah—in English, we don’t really have a word for that. Dutch does, though: ‘natafelen’ (after-tabling). There’s also the well-known ‘gezellig’—which means ‘cozy’, warm, familiar, but can apply to people or events as well as to spaces. Or what about ‘uitbuiken’—which is basically what we do after Thanksgiving dinner, ‘letting our belly out’—that phase where you push back from the table and take a few minutes to relax and digest. And it’s not just untranslatable words—even concepts that are able to be directly interpreted just ‘feel different’ in other languages. 'Onzichtbaar' (literally: 'unseeable' in Dutch) ‘feels’ just sliiiightly different from 'invisible' in English. Another great example is the large number of ‘creative’ names and words that exist in the Harry Potter series—for instance, in English, the name Dumbledore just sort of calls to mind the image of a tall wizard with a white beard. In recreating that same feeling in Dutch, the translator settled on Perkamentus, a derivative of the word for ‘parchment’, which creates that same gut-level impression for native Dutch speakers. This kind of thing is why translation and interpretation are such art forms—and why the opportunity to learn a new language via adult immersion is so incredibly enriching. You don’t simply gain a new vocabulary; your world inherently becomes broader, because with new words and ideas also comes an ever-so-slightly different vantage point for perception.

23. Split your auto-deposited paychecks. Even if it’s just a little bit, diverting a percentage of each check into a separate account that you rarely access is a way of giving yourself a tiny safety net. If you never see it, you get used to living on what you have. And then, when the day comes that you really need three pounds of coffee and a carton of protein shakes, but are trying to survive until payday because Costco doesn’t accept American Express (ask me how I know)… well, you’ll be really happy when you realize you can make that grocery run after all.

24. Not everybody needs a four-year degree. We will always need skilled tradespeople. (Every single one of us has had that moment when we’ve been deeply, overwhelmingly grateful for an experienced plumber!) A college degree is a great accomplishment, but we’ve perpetuated the idea that possessing one is somehow a mark of intelligence and essential for lifelong success. In reality, four years of undergraduate study have become an increasingly expensive commitment that isn’t necessarily the best value—or the best fit—for everyone. Trade schools and community colleges are undervalued resources that are worth considering. Furthermore, a non-linear path is also okay, even preferred. Take a gap year. Do some service work. Try a part-time job or internship. Read some books. See the world. An expensive and lengthy education may, in fact, be the best choice after all—but give yourself the tools to make an accurate cost-benefit analysis before deciding.

25. Athletics are empowering. Being able to unconsciously trust your body is a wonderful thing. Furthermore, you learn fascinating things about your own individual physical and mental machinery when you explore its limits. This doesn’t necessarily mean deadlifting 300 pounds; your own personal light bulb might be learning to differentiate between the sensations of a high heart rate versus true muscular fatigue, or discovering that the reason your back often hurts is because your superior mobility has allowed you to slide through life with insufficient muscular stability. We all need to get more ‘comfortable being uncomfortable’—because that’s how we grow.

26. Let kids fail… The helicopter-parent epidemic is resulting in an exceptionally anxious generation. The fact is, the way that children grow into confident adults is by being allowed to calculate small risks (that feel large to them, developmentally) and experience both positive and negative consequences. Maybe that steep downhill on their bike will be the most exhilarating thing they’ve ever experienced, or maybe they’ll fall and get badly hurt. Maybe they know their exam material well enough that they can get by okay without studying, or maybe they’ll fail and have to work that much harder for the rest of the semester. Either way, their world is slightly broadened—and their fear slightly lessened.

27. …and, as adults, we should continue to move toward things that scare us. It is a reality of life that you will eventually be forced to confront just about everything you fear, whether large or small. So when the moment arises for you to confront a fear on your terms, that’s a growth opportunity—and, as with everything, having that degree of control sometimes makes all the difference. Actively choosing to undertake an experience is usually a lot more comfortable than being forced into it.

28. Pro-birth isn’t the same thing as pro-life. Meaning, if you’re staunchly anti-abortion, then you’d better also be pro-social programs to support those kids once they’re actually on the planet. (And ideally you’ll also be pro-contraception, pro-health education, and pro-living wage / paid family leave.) In other words: please make sure your moral opinions line up in a way that makes logistical sense.

29. Knowing what you don’t know is just as important as knowing what you do know. And people respect you more when you own that fact confidently. This is true of any life situation, but is actually a concept that I learned firsthand as a healthcare provider. We PAs are exactly (and only) as good as our own self-awareness; we can do so much, but only if we remain acutely aware of the boundaries of our knowledge and experience.

30. The relationships that stick (romantic and otherwise) are the ones that you don’t have to look for—they just find you. This is true of lots of things, actually—career options being another big one. The takeaway is that when something is ‘meant to be’, it tends to be ‘easy’. That’s not to say that we don’t still have to put in work—rather, that the way forward is clear and obvious; the path opens itself up to you, unforced.

31. On the flip side, letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you—romantic, friendship, or otherwise—is a vital skill. It’s also one that we never truly master, because the context is different every time. But this is one of those situations where life experience pays off big time—not because you necessarily have more tools in the toolbox, but because you’ve had more practice at the flexibility with which you can wield them.

32. Parents learn just as much from their kids as the other way around. I’m not a parent, but I have parents—a couple of pretty awesome ones, as a matter of fact. And while I definitely have one of the ‘good’ family stories and still tend to run straight to my folks anytime I have a ‘life question’, I also recognize that they’ve been stretched, pushed, and challenged in many ways by virtue of the people that my sister and I are. I’m sure they’ve lain awake at night worrying about me at times, but I’ve also nudged them into traveling to new cities and countries, have introduced them to people from different walks of life, and have indirectly forced them to examine their own ideas and beliefs. I’m at a point in my life now where it doesn’t look likely that I’ll end up having kids, at least not biological ones, and this is really the biggest piece of regret that I feel about that: missing out on so many unknown (and unknowable) experiences. What might I have learned—how might I have grown—from those hypothetical kids?

33. Stress is stress is stress. Your poor little body is always trying to compensate for the various abuses of life. It does not know whether your cortisol is high because you had a crazy workday, because you’re in a calorie deficit, because you did a two-a-day training session, because you had a fight with your partner, or because you only slept four hours. It does not know whether your sympathetic nervous system is activated because you just did 100 GHD sit-ups, because you had an awesome birthday cheat day with a couple thousand more calories than usual, or because you just completed a 12-hour road trip in bad weather. It just knows that it’s stressed. Treat your body kindly. After all, you only get the one.

34. One of the absolute greatest things about getting older is self-awareness—learning how to drive your own individual machinery. There’s a lot to unpack here, but basically: life gets a lot better when you can ‘manage yourself’ proactively instead of simply reacting to every small event. Personally, I know that I’m wired for an early bedtime and an early wakeup; that I need a lot of time alone to recharge my batteries; that I’m a more settled and positive person when I make time to write first thing in the morning; that I am prone to become unduly stressed in a competitive setting; that I shouldn’t commit to anything in the evenings after a full workday; that week two of my monthly cycle consistently delivers my strongest days in the gym; that I’ll sleep poorly if I don’t eat enough on a given day; that my emotional intuition is generally accurate even if I can’t put it into words; that endurance training beats up my body much more than heavy barbell work; that I consistently underestimate the physiological stress of driving a long distance; and that despite often dreading a task beforehand, I will almost always immediately commit to doing it perfectly once I’ve actually started. TL;DR—if you know your inherent patterns and tendencies, you can build your life around them in a way that makes you a better, happier, more optimally functional human.

And, 35… Comparison is the thief of joy. A pediatric surgeon I used to work with, when discussing his surgical outcomes with parents, would often put it another way, “The enemy of good is perfect.” Either way, this is probably the single most important thing I’ve learned thus far as an adult… that it’s so much easier to savor your own small accomplishments if you aren’t constantly focused on how you stack up next to others. Social media perpetuates this issue in spades, because there will always be someone smarter, prettier, stronger, funnier, or more accomplished—and nowadays, it’s harder than ever to avoid having that fact thrust in one’s face. But if we’re happy inside ourselves—if a patient tells us we’re appreciated, if we squat five pounds more than we did last week, if we love the way a new shirt looks in the mirror, if we’ve internalized a few more life lessons at the age of 35 than we had by 25—shouldn’t that quiet satisfaction be enough?

#thirtyfive #35 #lifelessons #alwayslearning #life #birthday #progress #contemplation #thinking

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alexcolemankime3-blog · 6 years

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alex kime

Alex Kime Illinois

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university students from region large schools - inspired utilizing the survivors of the Parkland, Fla., faculty shooting instructions create a local model of cutting edge countrywide Drive For Our Existence. Coming from 2: 30 to five: fifty p. m. today, rainwater or shine, one and all engaged can meet from Champaign’s Douglass Park for you to get involved in one of the actual 800-plus marche planned global against strike rifles.

modern day day young adults, who have straddle the road in between millennials and era Unces, were raised after the the 90s Columbine taking photos.

several involving them don’t realize a great educational enjoy with no dynamic shooter drills. hereabouts, several have had recent cleans with the reality inside their situation.

final slide, a player with the dice opened fireplace within the Mattoon abnormal college cafeteria, wounding just one scholar before getting more subdued with the aid connected with a educator. And immediately after a December imperative-Danville increased faculty basketball activity throughout Champaign, 3 people possessed been wounded while gunfire erupted outdoor.

that is definitely upon pinnacle of school capturing dangers, which contain one an Edison midsection faculty scholar stated grew to be supposed as a ruse but brought about the particular student’s elimination from skills in may.

“we have just about all spent plenty of00 time taking into consideration what we may possibly accomplish … if someone acquired a gun, ” Hoganson said. “it is today definitely not regular. We should to be thinking of attaining knowledge of and creating with our pals. ”

Having collectively

while typically the March For the Lives improved into first released, essential high faculty’s Zanden Duncan, 18, turned into all set to get involved. He expressed he or she and different fascinated youths established every additional thru a mixture associated with social media marketing, activist organizations, prior movements work and contacts by social justice instructors.

Inside overall, the major march managers hail through central, Uni, St. Betty extra, Century and Urbana high function.

One establishment that given aid is actually the local subset of parents demand motion to get Firearm feel in the united states of america. The youngsters were amazed simply by using the volume of economic backing coming in coming from close to city, along along with unsolicited charitable contributions.

“also, presently there may be been mental help, ” said Emma trail, 17, of C. “each person in (my mom’s) workplace has reported. ‘it’s terrific what an individual fellas are doing thanks to the fact we certainly have failed you. ’”

yet taking their stance about this hot-button topic isn’t devoid of drawbacks. when he stimulates often the march on sociable media, Simpson stated he has used to acquiring rude or obnoxious replies from pals who all disagree with the hard work.

The march organizers mentioned provocation does not inconvenience these people anymore; rather, that invokes them - zero longer merely on in favor of for pistol regulation to help save you school shootings but boosting the younger generation up to engagement and boosting cognizance of general Us weapon violence.

Uni’s At the Performer, 17, noted which guns contribute to suicide costs and impact minority children.

“White children demise with excessive faculty isn’t constantly the handiest hassle, ” this lady said. “we’re extremely inflammed about the truth that there are youngsters in our personal groupings who have gun violence regarding their residences and areas each day. ”

'Saving human beings’s lives’

in the subject of social engagement between youths, the actual march planners said they’d want to see extensive voter registration efforts within excessive colleges and voting instruction education. They bristle on the stereotype that will oil-soaked rags them as sluggish in addition to unengaged, whilst distinguishing in which motivating younger residents change.

And there’s not any longer 1 cause exactly why that is -- these people cite incarceration rates, arrêter suppression, feeling morose right after learning approximately the particular community machine, maintaining political beliefs nonetheless now not acting about these individuals, wondering it’s simply important to vote for presidents and the opinion involving vote casting since “uncool” or hard to help to make time for.

not in order to say how all their good friends would possibly forget that they may vote in a amount one selection if they will may be 17, as long as they flip 18 through the general.

no make a difference all of that, the students said they’re noticing the shift amongst their friends - probable sparked by the election of President Jesse Trump - towards communicating approximately and being receptive to money.

“however concluding gun assault is any bipartisan trouble, ” Hoganson stated. “it’s roughly conserving peoples lives. ”

'never surrender’

As drive organizing involves a close, Duncan said the procedure provides been validating. “To complete some thing this kind of huge, ” he explained, “it solidifies that i are able to do matters. ”

trail claimed she discovered to “usually be stubborn and never ever stop trying, ” similarly to be able to other ways she'll find worried - like applying to be a number one particular election pick.

And also though some may furthermore point out knowledge is vitality, that revel in coached Singer for you to disagree.

“motion matters a lot more, ” the woman stated. “humans will overlook the facts whenever they will need to, but we can easily strain them to look at us. ”

looking with regard to reforms

the scholars at the rear of the neighborhood March regarding Our Day-to-day lives say that they “aid the correct of law-abiding americans to carry and carry arms. ! but together with that right will come obligation. ” most of typically the motions they’re calling with lawmakers for taking:

➜ Prohibit the sale connected with assault-style weapons.

➜ end often the sale of high-ability publications for assault rifles

➜ close heritage check weaknesses.

➜ limit all weapon conversion devices.

➜ improve the minimum age for receiving semi-automatic rifles and shotguns to help 21.

➜ Sanction analysis law that let us inside circle of family individuals/law enforcement “to case some sort of choose to swiftly block a person from possessing weapons once they pose a new chance to themselves or perhaps others. ”

➜ near to the federal loophole that “lets in abusive boyfriends to search for and own gun, despite the fact this they have a misdemeanor sentence or are worry to a ultimate keeping order, clearly simply because many people may be no much longer married with their victim. ”

➜ at the federal loophole that permits in firearm income “to proceed following 3 organization days : even if record consider a look at workers have no extended demonstrated the consumer” will be suitable to achieve this.

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ourangelajos-blog · 7 years

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Choosing Your Wedding Day Magician

The way to pick your wedding magician in the net

Congratulations! If you're reading this article, you're obtaining married! Further congratulations are in order for taking into consideration hiring a magician to entertain your guests. As a wedding magician, I am naturally biased on the around the significance of hiring a magician to break the ice at a wedding. Nonetheless, for my brother's wedding I knew I had to acquire him anything truly unique - I hired a magician, so this isn't just me looking to promote my solutions.

Now on for the poor news - In the event you get a negative magician then they can in fact be detrimental for your specific day. They can turn up late (or not at all), talk for your guests like kids, swear, be rude/arrogant or, extra likely, just be rubbish at performing. For more info visit Kindergeburtstag

So here are some methods that will help you get the proper man for the job.

Right after looking the net and discovering a number of magicians that you simply like the appear of, get in touch with them and request a meeting. Inform them that you just will also be meeting a number of other magicians. This is essentially the most effective method of ensuring that you simply get an excellent magician for your wedding. Just about every magician will proclaim his brilliance on his site, on the telephone or via e mail. Even so, when he knows that he will be judged against other magicians, only competent/good magicians will agree to a meeting. You will also have the ability to inform a lot about the magician: if he arrives on time, has polished footwear and gets on properly with your mates and family, then chances are your guests will really feel exactly the identical as you did at that very first meeting.

If the option of meeting them is not available, then a phone contact will be the second best solution. Virtually just about every magician claims to become funny and wildly entertaining on their website, but in reality this is not constantly the case. As Paul Daniels says, "Don't inform me you happen to be funny, make me laugh". Once more, if they could make you laugh more than the phone and give off a likeable vibe then they are likely a very good alternative.

Once you have your meeting / telephone get in touch with, they are very good inquiries to ask to ensure that the magician is actually a competent performer:-

1) Are you currently a complete time professional magician?

If he has one more job, ask if he ever works weekends. If he has to pick out involving his principal supply of income and his bonus earnings that he gets from magic shows, you could possibly sadly discover that you don't have a magician at your wedding.

2) Have you performed at lots of weddings?

It is very uncomplicated to place together a website and present wedding services. Having said that, you do not want your magician to become mastering his trade in your unique day. It can be important that you simply hire an skilled performer who knows what he's carrying out.

three) How do you get most of your perform?

While sites and agents will bring in a big percentage of a magician's revenue, the major magicians live off of word of mouth and repeat bookings.

four) Do you perform both strolling magic and table magic?

You will find magicians who've performed for many years under the identical situations, e.g. usually with/without a table, with/without background music and so on. If so, the magician will only perform in an environment exactly where he feels comfortable, so make certain that he has previously worked in an atmosphere related to what you intend to book him for.

five) Do you function with youngsters?

Some magicians are children's entertainers who think mainly because the parents appreciate their show, they could perform in the identical manner with an adult crowd. Likewise, some magicians who execute solely for adults won't carry out for children. As 85% of wedding guests are commonly adults, I strongly recommend you hire a magician who features a residency in a restaurant. This enables the magician to operate with kids without having becoming exclusively a children's entertainer.

6) Will you perform for the bride and groom?

Magicians are usually hired on an hourly basis and should you hire a magician only for your wedding photographs, he might be gone prior to you arrive, and so you'll not get to find out what you've paid for.

7) Are there any other magicians within the region you would propose / advise against?

You could consider it will be counter-productive for one particular magician to promote the solutions of a different magician. Nonetheless, as of recent instances, reality Television shows like Britain's / America's got talent have portrayed magicians in such a poor light that the magic neighborhood is happy to propose superior magicians and warn against poor ones.

8) Do you have got references that we could contact?

Ask for references even when you may have no intentions on calling the particular person. The magician's reaction to the query will provide you with greater than adequate facts. If he struggles to assume of anyone who could give a good reference; he either (a) has in no way worked as a wedding magician (b) does not believe that his wedding consumers will give a constructive critique or (c) (if they feel awkward about giving a person else's details) have most likely not supplied a service for the client.

9) What do you put on while performing?

Magicians are performing artists and hence could express themselves by means of style. There are some younger magicians that perform in jeans as well as a t-shirt, which may not be what you want in your wedding day - make sure to ask.

10) Are you currently insured?

Every skilled performer must have insurance coverage. Chances are they'll in no way use it, but if they are not willing to make an investment in themselves, why must you make an investment in them?

11) Are you able to present me using a contract / invoice?

In the event the magician can give you ahead of time having a contract and an invoice later, then he at least views his personal services inside a expert light. If he can't provide you with these documents, odds are he is amateur / semi-professional.

12) Do you may have a sound method / PA program?

Should you are obtaining greater than one hundred guests at your wedding, it is actually advisable to work with a sound technique / PA system through the speeches. Most specialist magicians will have a sound method and can have the ability to provide it totally free or for any little charge, which will typically be significantly less than what it charges to employ it from one more organization.

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easyweight101 · 7 years

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Sulbutiamine Review: Don’t Buy Before You Read This!

What is it?

Sulbutiamine is a synthetic nootropic agent that is said to be effective for improving users’ memory and mental performance. It was originally developed as a vitamin replacement option, but some scientists believe that it may have other benefits to the body as well.

Sulbutiamine has been used to increase cerebral blood flow and may have applications for improving the symptoms of diabetes and nerve damage. It is sometimes said to be useful for improving energy level and power output, as well as potentially for maintain healthy blood sugar levels.

The nootropic supplement that has seen the most significant improvements in its users’ memory function and thinking abilities is called Memotenz. It is an all-natural blend of herbs and amino acids that increases neurological performance and health. Click here to learn more about Memotenz’s ingredients blend and manufacturing process.

Do You Know the Best Brain Enhancement Supplements of 2017?

Sulbutiamine Ingredients and Side Effects

Sulbutiamine

Sulbutiamine: A man-made thiamine supplement that was designed to help fight thiamine deficiencies, but may also have some other benefits for the body. Though there is little clinical data to support these beliefs, researchers have claimed at various times that it can help with conditions such as:

Fatigue

Alzheimer’s disease

Depression

Erectile dysfunction

Sulbutiamine was first synthesized in Japan in 1965 as part of a reaction to a national thiamine deficiency crisis. Thiamine, also known as vitamin B1, is a critical for a number of bodily processes, however it is not readily available in many of the staples of the traditional Japanese diet. This led to a nationwide epidemic of the disease beriberi, which attacks people with severe thiamine deficiencies.

As a result, scientists from the Taisho Pharmaceutical Company worked to develop a B1 substitute that was more efficient and bio-available than other supplemental forms of thiamine. They created an ester of two B1 molecules bonded with a sulfur group, which allowed the compound to bond more easily with fat cells in the body.

This made it possible for more of the thiamine to cross the blood-brain barrier, the membrane that protects the brain from harmful chemicals. Regular forms of thiamine can have difficulty passing through the semi-permeable wall of endothelial cells that make up the barrier, however Sulbutiamine has a much better chance of being absorbed.

There is a considerable amount of debate about the actual effects of Sulbutiamine. Many of the studies that have touted its beneficial effects have since been disproven and there is a general lack of study that has gone into understanding how effective it may or may not be, especially as a nootropic supplement.

Many of the manufacturers of Sulbutiamine supplements claim that it is effective for fighting fatigue, however that seems to only be true in very specific circumstances. Certain kinds of fatigue, such as fatigue related to symptoms of multiple sclerosis (MS), may see benefits from taking Sulbutiamine, whereas normal physical fatigue or fatigue due to infection or illness is not likely to be improved.

Thiamine is involved in the metabolization of sugars, amino acids, and alcohols, however Sulbutiamine has not tended to demonstrate effectiveness for improving these functions in healthy adults. Some manufacturers have claimed that Sulbutiamine may be effective for improving blood sugar levels and symptoms of diabetes, however these claims have been disproven clinically.

There are some studies that claim that thiamine and Sulbutiamine may help improve memory function in some people, however that may only be relevant to people with thiamine deficiencies. A baseline amount of thiamine is needed in order for normal mental function, however higher quantities of the vitamin are most likely not going to yield better results for memory performance.

Sulbutiamine is considered safe for human consumption and is well tolerated by the vast majority of users, at least in the short term. Some potential side effects that have been reported may include:

Nausea

Headache

Fatigue

Inability to sleep

There are some concerns about Sulbutiamine being a drug of abuse for patients with certain psychiatric conditions, especially bi-polar disorder. People with bi-polar disorder should talk to their health care providers before beginning to take Sulbutiamine.

There are not enough studies into the long-term effects of Sulbutiamine to say definitively that it is safe when taken on a daily basis over a prolonged period of time. More data about Sulbutiamine, its safety, and its effects is needed before our team of experts is ready to recommend it for any specific uses – especially as a nootropic – at this time.

Click here to see our experts’ list of the top ten nootropic supplements available without a prescription.

EDITOR’S TIP: Combine this product with a proven brain enhancement supplement such as Memotenz for better results.

Sulbutiamine Quality of Ingredients

Sulbutiamine was developed to help people with thiamine deficiencies get access to an easily absorbed source of vitamin B1, and that remains its most useful function. Beyond the prevention of beriberi and other thiamine-deficiency related conditions, there is little definitive use for Sulbutiamine.

It is not recommended as a source of energy or to fight fatigue, except in cases of specifically MS-related tiredness. It should also not be taken with the expectation that it will be effective as a memory enhancement, an athletic performance booster, or for the management of the symptoms of diabetes.

It is unlikely that healthy users that do not suffer from psychiatric conditions will see any negative effects from taking Sulbutiamine. It is possible that it may be helpful long term as a neuroprotectant and circulatory aid, however there is no definitive proof of this. In general, more data is needed about Sulbutiamine and its effects, however there is no indication that it can be useful as a study, work, or creative performance enhancement aid.

Follow this link to find out which nootropics have tested the highest for improved memory function and attention span.

The Price and Quality of Sulbutiamine

Sulbutiamine is distributed by a number of different manufacturers, all with varying dosages and pricing structures. Here are several of the brands that are currently available online and their costs:

Absorb Health: 1, 100-count bottle of 500 mg. Sulbutiamine capsules: $31.99

Double Wood Supplements: 1, 50-count bottle of 200 mg. Sulbutiamine capsules: $32.95

Nootropics City: 1, 90-count bottle of 200 mg. Sulbutiamine capsules: $19.66

Bulksupplements: 1, 10-gram bag of Sulbutiamine powder: $13.96

Wholesale Health Connection: 1, 10-gram bag of Sulbutiamine powder: $8.99

This is somewhat less expensive than some single ingredient supplements and is far less expensive than most effective nootropics brands. It is not likely to be effective on its own however, so most users will probably choose to seek out a secondary nootropic supplement, if that is a financially viable option for them.

To learn more about choosing the right nootropic for your specific goals and needs, click here.

Business of Sulbutiamine

The company that first developed Sulbutiamine is known as Taisho Pharmaceuticals, Inc. They have been in business over a century and are known for developing the drugs Lipovitan, Clarithromycin, amongst others. Their contact information is listed as:

Phone Number: +81-3-3985-1115

Address: 3-24-1, Takada

Toshima-ku, Tokyo

Email: Taisho Pharmaceuticals does not publish and email address publically.

Taisho is in good standing with the FDA and there is no evidence that they have any outstanding formal complaints or legal actions against them.

For data about how nootropic supplements have helped people improve their mental performance, follow this link.

EDITOR’S TIP: For the best results, our experts recommend using brain enhancement supplements for at least 3 months. Save your money by buying a few bottles at once.

Customer Opinions of Sulbutiamine

The most frequent responses from former customers about their experience with Sulbutiamine tend to be disappointment. Here are several reviews, taken directly from previous customers posts online:

“Um… when’s it supposed to kick in? I’ve taken nearly a whole bag of this powder and I have yet to notice one difference.”

“Did not react well with me. I took it like the directions said and I started getting crazy headaches and I couldn’t sleep. I started thinking very bad thoughts.”

“I think the only way that this garbage has made me smarter is by teaching me the valuable lesson that this stuff is garbage.”

Potential customers should also be aware that there were several reports of contaminated supplements reported online, particularly in relation to several brands of the powdered versions.

Click here to read more reviews about the best nootropic products on the market today.

Conclusion – Does Sulbutiamine Work?

At this point in time, Sulbutiamine has not been as well studied as most of the nootropics that our team recommends. There is very little in the way of actual scientific data that suggests that Sulbutiamine may be a viable ingredient for a mental performance supplement.

The main exception to this would be anyone with a diagnosed thiamine deficiency. For those individuals, Sulbutiamine may be one of the most effective options available. It is better absorbed than regular B1 vitamin products, and as such may be a more efficient option for supplementation.

The single most effective nootropic product on the market is Memotenz. They use a variety of different ingredients that stimulate key biological processes related to memory, cognition, and neuroprotection.

It’s been shown to increase blood flow to the brain, cell signaling and communication, and it strengthens the neural wiring itself. Click here to see all of the many benefits that Memotenz can offer for improved mental performance.

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