#it was the realisation that I'll never truly be healed until i get therapy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

electrictoes · 2 years

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I talked a bit last season about Amanda's growth and how it's highlighted in Video Killed The Radio Star when Carisi tells her to get out and she does, but Mirror Effect has brought all that growth screaming into the forefront, and I'm still working through it all in my head but it's such a testament to her character and Kelli's portrayal of Amanda. I'm still devastated that she's going, but I'm also grateful that if she has to go she's been written out with such care (assuming it continues going forward) - my biggest fear was her exit would steamroll over her journey and the progress she's made, but I'm starting to have hope that it won't.

Look back at Rapist Anonymous when she doesn't let anyone support her and ends up spiralling further down. And Gambler's Fallacy. Amanda hits rock bottom and she is alone. There are people in her life by this point - but her instinct is not to let them in. Look at Forgiving Rollins and how reluctant she is to accept help. Always trying to cope on her own.

And look now.

She's leaning on the people she loves. She has let herself love these people and let them love her back and she's letting them in - she's telling Sonny she doesn't want to be alone, she's reaching out Liv and sharing what's she's struggling with. She's letting them be there for her. The Benisi scenes of them both worrying about her were equally important in highlighting how much Amanda is loved and cared for in a way she would never, ever have believed back in s13. In s15 she told Liv that therapy was paying someone to listen to your problems. In s21 she started seeing a therapist and didn't tell anyone. When they did find out (in a terrible way) she told Sonny she was thinking about quitting and then she avoided his response.

Amanda historically has actively tried to hide any perceived weakness - she hasn't let anyone see the vulnerable parts of her. And now she's reaching out - maybe not right away, there's still more of her journey left, more progress to be had, but she's miles away from where she was.

I know there's a large portion of the SVU audience that doesn't see how far Amanda's come, but it doesn't take much to highlight the difference between who she was when she arrived at SVU and who she is now 12 years later - and it's here in this episode, in every single scene she's in.

The way Amanda's trauma is being addressed means so much. It's not being handwaved, there's respect to all that's come before. The scene in the girls' bedroom nearly broke me. Amanda is not okay. We've all become used to SVU traumatising the characters and not giving them the time or space to deal with that. I could write a whole essay just on trauma Carisi hasn't gotten to work through.

But so far Graziano's SVU feels good - it feels like it is honouring the characters that we love - and because Amanda is leaving, because we have to say goodbye to her so much sooner than anyone wanted, the season has started with Amanda and her story, her growth - I truly believe it will lead into Liv's, too - this theme of what the job takes from you will thread through the whole season and be a part of Liv's own arc.

I'll admit that although I've always loved Amanda (my love for SVU is tied up in my love for her), I don't think I fully realised until this episode just how much I'm going to miss her. Kelli has always been amazing and I think now she's finally being given the kind of writing she was at the beginning, back when her character first became important to so many people - it's a shame we won't get more time with her written by someone who has such a deep understanding of not only the characters but also the importance of healing - for Amanda and for Liv, but for the audience too - to see that it's possible, that you're not defined only by the bad things that have happened to you. That the people who love you will stand by you through it and that you deserve to be happy in the end. And that's where I'm at now - processing losing a character that means so much, and grateful that we get to see everything she's overcome highlighted before she goes. Rollisi is everything to me, I'm not subtle about that - but Amanda's friendship with Liv is important too, and you just don't get female friendships like theirs in every show. Amanda leaning on Liv means so much - especially because she was there at a time when Amanda wouldn't let anyone in. This episode was so well crafted - the pacing was great, the case linked in with the personal without it being gratuitous, the characters - even those who weren't part of the A plot - were given time. Amanda's relationships with Sonny and Liv were given the weight they deserve, and the foundation for what we all know is coming has been laid in a way that feels true to the characters. I know I'm overly invested in the dumb cop show, but I'm proud of how far Amanda has come and I'm absolutely not ready to say goodbye.

#amanda rollins #svu #svu spoilers #svu24 #i'm still figuring out how i feel about it all #and trying to get my thoughts out of my head and somewhere else

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lonelier-version-of-you · 2 years

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What is your favourite Henrik scene? Or if you can’t pick one, a top three?

That... is a very good question.

TBH even a top 3 would be difficult to do. I could maaaybe manage a top 10. 😂

I'll just do different top 3s for different categories, that seems reasonable. I'll do a list for best writing, best acting, and personal favourites. Each list is in no particular order.

Best acting:

- His reaction to Fredrik's death in Group Animal

- His meltdown in No Matter Where You Go, There You Are part 2

- The "you haven't fixed me, I can't be fixed!" argument with Josh in S23E07 (I didn't even like this episode, but I think you could make a very good argument for this scene being one of Guy Henry's best performances ever, if not the best performance he's ever given.)

Best writing:

- The scene in We Need to Talk About Fredrik, when Henrik recounts the events with the patient who pushed Nicky over, and Mr. Clarke asks Henrik about his reaction.

Mr. Clarke: And how did that make you feel?

Henrik: Feel? ...I don't understand the question.

Mr. Clarke: You had gone out of your way to make this new F1 passive. To remove any sense of agency or free will from her. To protect them from themselves. To... keep her out of the firing line, in fact. And yet here she is, lying at your feet, injured, vulnerable. I'm interested to know how that made you feel.

Henrik: ...Well, I called security and had the assailant ejected from the building, as per hospital policy.

Mr. Clarke: That's not what I asked. But, you know, whatever.

I have still never seen a better depiction of alexithymia than this scene. Henrik specifically being asked how he felt, and still describing the actions he took instead... I didn't even realise that this is a thing I also do until I watched this scene tbh.

- His conversation with Sacha in the garden in Blind Spot.

Sacha: We're all worried about you, if that means anything. Roxanna, in particular.

Henrik: Well, she's worried that I haven't sought out therapy. ...Nothing strikes me so profoundly as the fact that, I have to suffer [for what Fredrik did]. I helped cause this damage, so how can I wring my hands and weep and wail about how I feel?

Sacha: You make it sound like self-indulgence.

Henrik: For therapy to succeed, one must engage with it. One must want to get well.

Sacha: And you don't?

Henrik: ...I have no interest in myself.

Sacha: You hate yourself too much to try to heal?

*Henrik nods*

This scene just. Says so much about Henrik's character. It's perfectly written, even if it does make me feel very sad about him and his self-loathing.

- And what type of Henrik fan would I be if I didn't include a scene from Hanssen/Hemingway in here? Especially the scene I get my blog description quote from.

Jac (about Henrik running away to Sweden): You'd just disappeared.

Henrik: Have you ever tried to disappear? It isn't easy. I don't give Lövborg [his father] credit for much, but vanishing off the face of the Earth for three months takes effort.

Jac: Why would you want to disappear?

Henrik: Have you never wanted to escape? Feel that weightlessness one normally feels only in water? Finally feel... truly free? I'd like nothing more.

Jac: Are you coming back?

Henrik: No. Why would I want to come back? To a mediocre British hospital that has no faith in my leadership?

Jac: Because I don't want to work at a hospital that cares more about making money than treating patients. Because you're crazy enough to stick your head above the parapet when it counts.

Henrik: Well, we all know what happens to people who stick their heads above the parapet, don't we?

Jac: It was me. I was the one who stabbed you in the back. I told Cunningham [the hospital chairman] I had no faith in your leadership, but I was wrong.

Henrik: Is that the real reason you came to Sweden? For absolution?

Jac: I did something wrong, and I had to try to put it right.

To me, this is the Henrik scene. The one that defines his character. (Perhaps unsurprisingly, as it was written by Justin Young, who created Henrik in the first place.) I used it as the opening to my 'Somewhere In Stockholm' fanvid for good reason. This is also the scene that truly starts the Jac and Henrik friendship IMO, and the writing for Jac here is excellent as well.

(...I feel really bad for not having anything from an Andy Bayliss episode here, because he is by far one of the best writers for Henrik, but that's the thing - his Henrik writing is so good that it's impossible to pick out particular scenes.)

Personal favourites:

- His meltdown in No Matter Where You Go, There You Are part 2. I know I listed it earlier but it's worth mentioning again because while it's one of Guy Henry's very best performances, it's also a scene that just means a lot to me. Like... an autistic character got upset and had a meltdown and lashed out and the scene was about him and we were encouraged to sympathise with him. That's something I have hardly ever seen in media.

- The sensory overload scene in If Not For You is excellent (come on, guys, you didn't really think I was going to post about my favourite Henrik scenes and not mention INFY at any point, did you? 😂). Probably one of the most accurate depictions of what sensory overload feels like I've ever seen, and they conveyed it without a single special effect in sight, at that.

- His conversation with Maja in theatre in Never Let Me Go, when they're operating on the amnesiac patient:

Maja: How sad our patient has to face something like this alone. No family, no friends, no sense of who he is or where he's come from...

Henrik: I don't know, I think there's a certain appeal in being a blank canvas. Gives one the opportunity for reinvention.

Maja, shocked: But not everyone wants to erase their past, Henrik!

This scene is just... as a post in my drafts that I never got round to posting says: "yeah, your autistic characters may make cute and quirky social mistakes that everyone can have a nice laugh at, but do they express envy of a man with amnesia because they wish they had a chance for a fresh start like that, in front of their horrified allistic ex-girlfriend?"

And that drafted post is a joke and all, but really - this scene epitomises everything that made Henrik's writing in series 15 the absolute best writing he's ever had to me. Say what you want about his portrayal in other seasons, but series 15 Henrik alone is the very best media portrayal of an autistic person I've ever seen. Because he got to be disabled, even when it wasn't convenient, even when it wasn't funny or cute or quirky. He was allowed to not understand things, he was allowed to say things that freaked other people out because they didn't get his thought processes, and while other characters may have been rude about it, the show never once shamed him for it. (TBH Henrik is at his best when the show is allowing him to not understand things. I'll die on that hill. I wish it was something I saw more recognition of in meta and fanfic. Like, really, fandom, the developmentally disabled man is allowed to not understand things, I promise, he's not always pretending not to, he's not always deliberately being a jerk, sometimes he actually doesn't understand and that's okay! It's fine! I promise!)

Also honourary mention to another scene in Never Let Me Go (when Maja talks to him in his office and asks him about the patient - "But he's so lost. He's alone in the world. You must feel... something?" "Not particularly.") because it's one of the best depictions of low empathy I've ever seen (because you can TELL Henrik really does want to have that emotional response, and he feels guilty that he doesn't - Guy Henry has said before that Henrik has perceived himself as "incapable of love" for a long time, and I'd argue that part of why Henrik sees himself that way is because he's had it so drilled into him that if he doesn't empathise it must mean he doesn't care), and to his last scene in Like A Prayer with him cradling baby Oskar just because it’s so sweet and one of the rare moments we’ve actually been allowed to see Henrik being happy.

(...Thinking about it, an awful lot of my favourite Henrik scenes are the ones relating to his autism. Hell, like, the Reyhan storyline was absolutely rubbish, one of the worst storylines in the show’s history, and there are still some scenes from it that I think are excellent because of how they address Henrik’s autism and how badly other people have treated him for it. I just identify with Henrik a lot, ok.)

#asks #anons #long post

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