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mothlegs · 6 months

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i am tired and cozy and in a good mood so i will talk about how i got all my books :)

tired cozy also gives me a bit of bravery so i am hugging all my mutuals. especially two specific ones because i see you doing badly but i am too shy to approach you directly so i hope you see this and magically know i am giving you the most caring hugs and i hope things are better soon

anyways books:) or well bookcase, not all reading books. im looking from my bed so i cant see all of them But

Sketch Books x2 (+1 smol ver)

i dont know how i got thes3 actually. maybe from tiger? i miss when tiger was t. uh. how do you spell that. tier..? ti'er?? idunno. the old name. i think these are all filled up, i think i got the first one when i was 10 :]

ANATOMY

This is a book full of naked people that i guess i accidentally stole. oops. i borrowed it from a now ex family friend who is insanely good at art, when i was like 12 or 13, and then it ended up on my floor and i ended up telling people he was kinda Weird(bad) about me (regret! made everything bad despite being true) so now we dont talk to him anymore so he cant get the book back. bah

Uhh a connect the dots magazine(?) my grandma gave me. dunnno when. i dont think ive touched it since :( sad cause i love connecting dots

I Am Looking From My Bed So Can't See What These Are x2 + Some loose papers

Fancy journal/sketch book/idk my mom bought for me in the big city :)!!

Undertale art book <333

I got it as a very late christmas present when i was 11 or 12 years old as well as some other undertale stuff and i literally started crying

I think this ones a diary i never really used that my mom got me and my grandma years ago. oop

Dear Evan Hansen !!!

i love this book. it is better than the musical. i love miguel and they had a perfect opportunity to put him in the movie but they didnt so i hope the movie goes to the movie version of hell

i got it when i was 14 i think? the week before it came i was actively suicidal in a "i feel a burning need inside me that is screaming at me to die" and that book might just be the only reason i didnt attempt then

Salmon Coloured Book From Tiger. cant see anything else about it and i have no memory of it

Skammeren's Datter

i think my grandma found this being given away for free at the library? one of my favourite books as a child my mom used to read it to me before bed when i was 11:)

Fængslende Tanker

book about intrusive thoughts my mom borrowed me at some point within the last 2 or 3 years

Tidsfangen

also my moms it is fiction i remember nothing about it oop

The Song of Achilles

i saw it on tumblr and liked it so got it as a gift at some point. i dont remember when, i still havent read it :(

Books my grandma got from a library giving them away x6

i havent read any of these:( also dont remember when i got them

Skammeren's Datter 1-2 & 3-4

the full series im p sure!! wanna reread themm

MAUS

i got it for my last birthday!! i havent gotten very far in reading but it is very good and i am learning and developing curiousities

The Unofficial Ghibli Cookbook

also for my last birthday!! havent made anything from it yet but it is really cool and i am so excited to make food from my favourite movies:))

Fever Series x3 (+1 in my nightstand)

currently rereading these, i havent read the 4th book tho

i found the first book at the library when i was pretty small, definitely less than 10, but i was too scared to read it. i think i gave up on reading it like 3 times but i kept thinking about it and eventually i read it and fell in looove. i love these books so much:D they are about everyone in sweden dying of fever except some kids:)

The Witch Boy

i first saw this book in sweden when i was 13 years old. it was in the basement of a game store, which is also the only store i have bought my own dice from. it also had a life size alien from the movies

i dont remember when i got the book myself though :( ive read some of it some years ago but dont think i finished it

More books my grandma got for free from the library x6

Wreck This Journal

my mom gave it to me when i was like 11 but i never really got to wrecking it u.u

Dreadnought

IT IS ABOUT A TRANS SUPERHERO :D her name is danny and i read some of it a summer in a tiny bedhouse (1 room building with 2 beds and nothing else. didnt even have a real door!!) at my aunties summerhouse (they are rich) i think i heard of it on tumblr. i love this book a lot but i havent finished it u.u

Extra Room No Books

d&d stuffs, some small toys and plushies, uuuh i see a small cardboard box but i dont remember whats inside:)

Shelf Below My Fancy Clothes

BNHA 1-17 i think?? also some Vigilantes, Black Butler 1+2, Bungou Stray Dogs 1, iii think thats it? i cant see it from here so idk

all of these were gifts from my grandma :)

"Nightstand" (chair thing i use as a nightstand)

First fever book

Killing Stalking 1+2 (bought at a comic store myself!! i was literally jumping around the store i was so excited to be there there was so much cool manga and there was stuff by neil gaiman!!! this is where bsd and the cookbook are from too)

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy (given to me by a mutual actually :3 but like. mmmany years ago and i still havent read it >_o im sowey but i appreciate it a lot and i treasure it forever)

#mothicaws #mothyposting

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wangtaeil · 5 years

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wow. hello everyone! i cant believe i really get to say this, but i just hit 3,500 followers. w o w. i've been making ateez gifs for exactly 3 months now and in those 3 short months i have gained over 500 followers, bringing me to an amount i am totally undeserving of. i honestly have no idea how this happened but i am so grateful for each and every one of you i didnt know what i should do to celebrate this amazing milestone. i considered opening requests for gifs or moodboards, maybe even start taking requests for the amazing writing skills i've developed recently. that might still happen (and would probably be for mutuals only i'm afraid) but for now i want to just give a shout out to my amazing mutuals who make being here worth it. its gonna get loooong so its under the cut thank you all so much for this, i love you all

here we gooo....

@cryiingemoji if i said everything i want to say to you here, it would take up this entire post. luckily you already know it all because its been 700 years lol. speak to you soon, ily 💚

@sooncheolie i’ve said it a thousand times in the what, 3 years we’ve been friends? but you are one of my closest friends on here, and i’d like to think that if we knew each other in the real world we would be basically best friends. you’re amazing and i’m so glad we stumbled into each other’s lives back when we were just imhobi and jinjackson. you got me into seventeen and taught me all their names, now i just have to get you into ateez... ily 💚

@mauloveskpop miss mau, anyone that is lucky enough to call you a friend is truly blessed. we’ve known each other for years and i’ve loved every damn second of it. you’re amazing and so hard working, a real treasure. i’ve discovered a lot of groups through you and learned how to gif by watching you grow, ily 💚

@1oonar my daughter... you’ve been gone for over a month now but i still think about you every day. i hope you are well and i will be here waiting when you get back, ily 💚

@whiteconfession laura, honestly, i’d be lost without you. you’re an absolute riot to talk to, every time i see your name come up in my dm’s i know i’m about to lol in real life. i’m so proud of you for all your achievements, not that i ever had any doubts. and its not that long until sungyeol returns woo! ily 💚

@visualsan i dont know that i’d be writing all of this right now if it wasnt for you and your sister, i think its all down to you two that the amount of atinys that follow me are following me. i remember being really scared to talk to you at first because i’d admired your blog for a while and i actually freaked out a little when you followed me. i’m so glad we became friends, you’re so wonderful, ily 💚

@smol-joong like i said to bea, i wouldnt be able to write a 3.5k follower post if it hadnt been for you. you told people to follow me and then everything just blew up. you did that for me, i cannot thank you enough. you’re very special to me and i’d take a bullet for you (or take a buffet for you as my sister would say...). ily 💚

@prettyseonghwa wow, where do i start with you miss yasmin? you are an actual angel. i dont know what i did to deserve you but i’m so thankful for you. you’ve been there to talk me through some rough times and you handle everything with such maturity. you’re so thoughtful and caring, even when you’re struggling yourself. i wish i could do for you what you have done for me. ily 💚

@softmingis wonderful miss luna. you were one of the people i was most intimidated by when i first became part of atinyblr. no matter what you say, to me you are a big account and i was scared to approach you. but look at us now! you’re one of my favourite people here and i love talking to you. i’m so happy you came back, ily 💚

@doorootu res, i’m so happy to have met you. your finals are almost over and i’m so proud of you! soon you will be all over my dash again and i cannot wait! ily 💚

@omg-gyu i’ve missed you while you’ve been away taking your exams, i hope everything is going well for you. i was honoured to be the one you asked for advice when getting into ateez, i hope you’ve been enjoying this comeback, ily 💚

@honeyboysan jules, i admire you so much. your love of all things nature is so pure and wholesome and its a joy to see. you’re so thoughtful towards other people’s feelings and weird phobias. allowing myself and your followers to share your nb journey is inspiring, i wish you nothing but happiness, ily 💚

@cherryjoong honestly maggie, you’re some kind of chaotic good, you’re the human embodiment of your ateez crack moodboards, so much fun and i love interacting with you. also you and jules are so EFFIN cute i cannot handle it. ily 💚

@moonctzen you’re so much fun and you’re taeil biased so that automatically means you’re awesome. i know we dont interact that much but i thoroughly enjoy seeing you on my dash. ily 💚

@moonitaeil we dont interact much but your posts on my dash brighten my day. i’m glad we share a love of taeil, ily 💚

@127-mile emilie, you’re a very talented writer and you bring so much joy to so many people with your au’s. i hope you continue to write and grow for many many years, ily 💚

@softforyunho it says it right there in your url, you are the softest. so lovable and seeing you share your love for yunho is heartwarming. ily 💚

@jaehyunay you are hilarious, i love talking to you and seeing all of your lovely wallpapers that you make. keep up the good work! ily 💚

@meinyunho natali you’re so lovely. watching your adventures in gif making has been a pleasure. you’re doing so well and i hope you continue. you’re doing so well, i’m proud of you, ily 💚

@honeyjoongie elli, you’ve been gone for so long but its like you’re still here because of the amazing queue you set up. its so thoughtful and you’ve really made everyone so happy with the posts you’ve tagged them in. you even remembered who my stray kids bias is, you’re so powerful and you dont even realise it. everyone is so excited for you to come back, including me. i hope your exams went well, ily 💚

@missminji miss harleigh. you are another person i was quite intimidated by when i first got into the fandom, but looking back i have no idea why. you’re wonderful and totally deserve to see your bias yuto when you go to see pentagon. ily 💚

@wooyuong inna inna inna... you are the one i was the most intimidated by. literally everyone i know already knew you, even people not in atinyblr knew you and i once posted that i wanted to be friends with you and then immediately deleted the post because i was scared you’d see it. but it turns out you’re not scary, you’re infact very cute and adorable and lovable and i might adopt you. ily 💚

@choisansbitch we dont know each other very well, but maybe that will change one day. you are chaotic, but sometimes we all need a little chaos in our lives. you’re fun, i like it. ily 💚

@dearmingi you are someone i would like to get to know better because i dont think we know each other too well just yet. that being said, i do love seeing you on my dash. lets talk more, ily 💚

@sonqmingi definitely was intimidated by you at first and tbh still am a little and i dont know why. you’re awesome though and i’d love to get to know you more, ily 💚

@soulofatiny an angel in disguise. you are so wonderful and kind and caring and i wish there were more people like you in the world. it would be a much kinder place is there were. ily 💚

@woovoung another little bit of much needed chaos on my dash. we dont really know each other that well, but you’re definitely fun. ily 💚

@multidino sometimes i feel like i can actually hear your posts. you’re always there and always first to interact when i say i’m bored for which i’m always grateful. ily 💚

@jonghostation i was a little intimidated by you at first because even before i followed you you were always all over my dash interacting with everyone. i hope we can become friends, ily 💚

@celestial-yunho the last of the people i was most intimidated by. you have such a big presence within the fandom that i didnt think you’d even notice if i followed you. i’d love to get to know you more! ily 💚

@kqyvnho we’ve been mutuals for 2 whole days but i didnt want to leave you out! i hope we can become friends! ily 💚

so there we go! thank you all so much for everything 💚💚💚

#this is so loooong omg #i'm sorry if i missed anyone

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carndriverrecords · 4 years

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First Blog Post 3/20/20

Started CnD Records today. Feels Good.

Working on some diss tracks. Not sure if they see it coming - doesn’t matter either way.

Planning to release Car and Driver first real record this Friday 3/20/20. Driving Test Driver Fest 1.

Self release first record - another 20 tracks next week. Compile top 10 - 15 for first release with other label - thinking Terrible, Kranky, blu ish label or Thrill Jockey. Citrus City a no-go for now. Maybe just keep building CnD records.

Be the middle man - take advantage of opportunities without sacrificing my bands’ (and those I represent) integrity.

Reach sleep destroyer.

Last night at Ted’s - great DJ set. Kidz bop remixes, Fancy. Crowd hated it. Ted disappointed we had to leave but it’s ok with everyone. Tall guy took aux right out of computer, have video. Started dancing - cucked everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the crazy charismatic guy. Am I actually? I think so. Syd thinks so.

CnD Fest 2 , 3 , 4 at Purchase and beyond. Would like to play apartments, Scully’s den in BK (reach out) and Philly, DC etc.

Next voice memo album - 20 - 25 tracks right now. Better than the first. Danny said best album ever.

Working on “My oh Maia Reason Why” video - my favorite video I’ve ever seen. Getting good feedback.

Important to collab with certain SUNY people before I go:

Members of Lip Critic, Dawson, Neal, Gabe.

Send stuff back and forth with Joseph Kress.

Need to write song about not sharing a stage w unstable Car and Driver - cost me 2 gigs. Ok because I had the police interaction that night.

Things have been working out quite well. Syd is keeping me in check. Main priorities are keep the energy going while I can and make sure everyone around me is comfortable with me doing my thing, specifically mom, sofia.

Going to Only Angels tomorrow to collab with Alex.

Tues/Wed in RI with Zach Gorton. Need to see Nick Holcomb, Sofia, Will Orchard if he’s around. Riley in Boston? Would love to.

Visit Dad soon on the way to Richmond, in a few weeks perhaps. Grandma Roberta etc. They have a BBQ place now - I bet it’s great.

Follow up in the morning (3 hours from now) with wedding band, Kevin Daniels, drummer etc.

Film sunrise sessions at Purchase: My Ride’s Here, Splendid Isolation, Keep me in your heart, Studebaker, Cat’s in the Cradle, Everybody that you know. Don’t think twice, Boots of Spanish Leather, Someday my Prince, Teenage Dirtbag, Arthur (Woof Woof), Forget You, Signed Sealed Delivered, Superstition, The Promise, Hold me now (TT), Love on Top, Townes Van Zandt, 1-800 superstar, Evan Wright, Tom Petty, Blinded By the Light, Searching for a Heart, Mag Field’s, Barenaked Ladies, TMBG, Dolly Parton one sided love, Byrds, Beatles, Kinks, Stones, Parquet Courts, T Swift (Red, Way I loved you), Mitski, Sasami, Anything Could Happen, Beach House, He Needs Me, These Days, YLT, Beach Boys, Big Star Take Care, G500/Luna, Felt, Psychic TV, Shelia, BJM, Yellow Sarong, Over and Over, Hazel St, Heatherwood, Helicopter, He Would’ve Laughted, I wanna be your lover, The pump, Good enough (sleep destroyer), Them airs, BH (14, indian summer), help me scrape mucus off my brain), Beach Comber, DO YOUR THING, Icehead, Bobby, 1000 times, WIll Orchard, Bon Iver, MGMT, Tame impala, Instant Crush, etc. Art Vandelay, Quick Canal, Stereolab, Grouper, Broadcast, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Bachelor Kisses, Cranberries, Cure, Pastels, MBV, I found a reason, pale blue eyes, Deerhoof, Gretel Alex G, Dancing w tears in my eyes, Elvis Costello, No age(things i did), Are ya ok, Maus, Ariel, R Stevie, Aphex Twin, Zomes, Vampire Weekend etc.

Bring Laptop for Beats on some and lyrics for all.

Love life more than ever before. Music feels so good. Want to help, make amends, everything that moondog did. Don’t be homeless much longer.

Not sure if I like throbbing gristle - definitely like Psychic TV.

How savage should diss tracks be? Very? Match the severity of the person’s treatment of me/others. Aka - pretty bad for all except for Auto.

Listened to new Kanye today - 10x better and more influential than death grips.

Realized today that i’ve spent my whole life wishing I was Kanye and now I am Kanye. Feels very good.

Everyone is gifted but internet makes us angst.

I am mostly Camus right now - maybe more Kierkegaard soon. Religion and Terrence Malik. Still need to read books.

Order of Books: The graduate Portrait of the artist Consider Lobster Infinite Jest Pynchon Ulysses (At recommendation of American gamer association)

Syd is incredibly gifted. Want to help her feel comfortable doing art/work here in the chaos but also sort out the chaos for both of ours’ sake. I thrive in it, she tolerates well. Want to move to Riverdale still, maybe East Williamsburg with Backpack Chris. We’ll see about money. Philly perhaps, little too far. Jersey is good location but bad commute. Bad to RI.

Visit RI and Boston Tues - Thurs. Sell Cigarettes at Concerts. Feels right.

Keep smoking for now - quit end of summer perhaps.

Don’t have Corona Virus - glad we are not quarantined. Still be smart. Don’t expose mom regardless. Protect at ALL costs.

Really though, why does Journee hate me? Write new track (Journee into forever nevermore not now not ever (Lou)) or Journee into SJW self righteous moral posturing (way too savage - maybe voice memo outro)

AR Kane album is incredible. Syd loves too. Sample everything.

Crazy - sound better at jazz than ever in my life. Exploring harmony - never practice. Teach free lessons all the time. Love the diminished scale. Might be best jazz guitarist to ever live. Time will tell. Would be cool long term. Prefer singing.

Getting good at piano too.

I’m my favorite lyricist/comedian/actor.

Is maia right, acting isn’t hard? Weird they can’t act.

^Remember to delete^

Don’t share this on Facebook yet.

Why does Journee hate me so much? Just the Louis CK joke?

People who stay home and do nothing hate to see irreverent people doing things.

People like when you’re losing - don’t like to see you win.

^That makes me sound crazy.

F00D outsider might make me famous first.

Need to keep up with legal situation.

Hope mom and dad both live long. Call Syd, get something nice for everyone in family. Get weird jewel cases. Order jewelry from etsy. Post merch on bandcamp.

Finish album art soon. Music videos. Get better at animation etc. Pay Ben for his poster. Actually really good. Maybe album art? Duo album! Record in Wisconsin, release under his name. WIll success be good for Ben? I think so. Still can’t believe Liv told him I wasn’t ok. Wow - good content for lyrics. You truly cannot write this.

How will people react to diss tracks? Extremely negatively. Or no reaction. We shall see. Maybe no real names in the titles...... only on Oh my. 4 names in titles is too many. Don’t release Auto track. Maybe on Voice Memos.

Track List: Good God Bed Head Rosa Reprise Oh My House Pop 1 skydive Pop 2 APhex GVO Pay 4 Take some Cherish Stars in F Are ya ok too bright Honeys Get to work Everybody That You Know Frost Bit BPC NYC New Age Heimet Helmet Deadbeat dads watermill for slitting bars romantic song david byrne Cinema study in cinema Brain ego Cherry doc marten Can’t liv w/o Venmo groceries Oh you like? Dancin DJ blues We are the State Farm robots Danny dorito is a dirty devito My funny valentine Zoomer blues The thing abt genres Blss Like minds ft dawson Lil toucha jazz Introducing car and driver The holy moment empire Ethics 101 - gma in the street Otto is sad I don’t know what it means! Operatic mellismatic Car and driver fest will be a success! Car and driver fest was a bust again! Cipha’s comedy corner Ryder Be gone evil atonal spirits!

Unreleased mental breakdown compilation ep:

I like all music! I’m a stupid pos Electric micro bike Get off your phone! John frusc Nice song Lap steel for 2 My masseuse advice Bed head wash sq Punchie John Maus yoyo interview Diminished kinda thing

Build the NYC scene, w Blu ish, Evan, 1 800, sweet joseph, Comics Club, Dawson, Sloppy Jane, Wheatus,

See Jack Fortin in NYC soon. Either my event or his.

Things are still good. Syd will be a great filmmaker. WIll maybe will end up with a dancer or a filmmaker - Probably not a musician. WIll have many loves.

Things are good right now - hope they stay that way.

Feel like Ezra Keonig - hopefully someone reads this one day and agrees. Different time in history and the internet - hope this is less cringe than Ezra’s blog , probably not. Ezra, if you’re reading this, sorry. See ya at Bernie’s rally.

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ash-etherwood · 5 years

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Yet another character redesign of a 983942378 year old offensive as fuck bullshit story I wrote when I was like 14 ...... you know the drill by now. (Wow I haven’t drawn fullbody refs for ages oooof.)

This time it's a story I wrote together with a friend of mine. (Or two, but we got mad at her halfway through the second chapter and then just kinda kept on writing for ourselves after breaking up with her and then just fucking killing of her character lol. We were ruthless.) I read it with @lets-face-it-im-cute some time ago and naturally ..... I needed to draw these weird girls ......

The first one is Noemi. She's based on our excluded friend's character and was literally named Enomy back then and if you just thought of My Immortal you're correct. :-DDD Noemi is a bitch. She's tall and mean and scary and manipulative and a terrible friend, but she has great hair and a weird ass fashion sense. Nobody knows what she's up to but everyone's kinda afraid of her. She's very good at making you think you're important to her tho.

The second one is Tatiana. She's based on my other friend's character and was originally called Titania. (Yeah she was supposed to be an elf princess, very subtle right.) She's nice and softspoken and always confused and emotional as H*CK!!!! Big crybaby!!! Cares for everyone!!! Kinda stupid!!! A fucking doormat!!! Swedish roots!!! Likes plants and children!! Literally everyone takes advantage of her in one way or another and she doesn't even know it!!!

The last one is Delal and she was my character and originally called Delphy. (Before Cursed Child even became a thing but yeah, everyone had weird stupid Mary Sue names.) I had a weird kinda phase of making Arab characters but not actually caring about cultures or religion or researching anything at all, I have no idea what I was trying to do but anyway Del is properly arab now I guess. She's a tomboy AND a jock AND a punk AND a lesbian because OF COURSE she is!!!! She has no sense of fashion and puts together multiple plaids and doesn't care at all. She likes horse riding and soccer and hates boys and is also pretty mean and looooves repressing her emotions until she snaps and accidentally hurts her friends yeeeeah!

The old story was some generic fantasy shit about a prophecy that said three human teenage girls would save the elven kingdom from darkness and by darkness we meant three hot but very creepy straight boys with no personality and that was pretty much it ..... it had some nice touches but ultimately was boring as fuck. :-D I made up a new rough story concept for them but I'm not gonna do anything with it, you know me. Noemi still dies at the beginning and Tati and Del slowly realize what a terrible person she's been and then they fall in love with each other but also fight and suffer a lot before getting together while becoming cool fantasy warriors. And later it turns out Noemi didn't actually die and wants revenge now and the creepy hot boys are still somewhere off being gay and whatnot I guess ....... yeah that's something to expand on while I cook some noodles for Maus I guess. 8DDD

Anyway I like the designs and the character dynamics a lot!!! It was fun revisiting these assholes. :3c Time to never do anything with them again ahha.

#ref drawing #i dont think i need a tag for these weirdos......

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nyaarr · 6 years

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Anahardt week - A love story in seven days.

Day 1: “Sugar”

Day 2: “Date Night”

(5 days later)

When Reinhardt sat down on an old dusty sofa in a meeting room and turned on the big screen there, he expected hours of peace and solitude. It was late, after all, and they were planning to leave Gibraltar in the following days; the others would be either busy or sleeping. It was all the same to him, really. He had grown used to being just Brigitte and himself, and the engineer needed to sleep more hours than he did, anyway.

However, said engineer had always had a sixth sense to know where to find him.

“Cannot sleep?” He asked, patting the sofa by his side.

“I miss the van. Is that weird?” She took her boots off and wriggled herself under one of his arms to lean against his side. Then, she stifled a yawn. Brigitte was a clever, caring woman on top of an amazing engineer and a funny person--one that loved warm cramped spaces to sleep in. She hummed in content when he snuggled her. “Why are we watching a 2D film, and what in the world are those huge robots?”

“Hush. It’s a--”

“A classic, yeah. Everything old is a classic to you, Reinhardt,” she snorted.

“Eh. They filmed this much before the omnics. It was ahead of its time.”

“I don’t even know how can you like this stuff.”

It was difficult to explain. Well. Actually no. Balderich loved old crappy films nobody but him seemed to understand, and he made the whole platoon watch them with him all the time. At some point it became a habit, much like bench-pressing or eating currywurst when they were not on duty.

His old friend was always extremely amused at their faces of despair and exasperation, and it was not until Reinhardt grew older that he understood how funny it was to mess with his whole team like this.

Suddenly, Winston cleared his throat from behind the couch.

“Would you mind if I joined?”

“Of course not, my friend. Suit yourself.”

Five minutes later, Lena was sitting at the floor by Winston’s side.

“You people--oh dear us. You let Reinhardt chose?” Torbjörn groaned from the doorstep, making him laugh. He walked to the couch and pushed her daughter’s legs up so he could fit underneath--which was not difficult. The engineer poked at the buttons on his mechanical arm and grumbled something under his beard.

The film continued playing, big robots fighting terrible monsters of old-style computer animation and even worse plot. But Reinhardt would not complain-- films nowadays, the few that made it to the public, were all a pile of rubbish government propaganda.

Winston snickered every time they mentioned the names of the robots; if anyone would know pre-omnic history, that would be him. Lena kept asking questions and missing chunks of the film as she came and went restlessly, but her antics were somewhat not annoying, but a background buzzing--much like Brigitte’s asleep breathing.

Ah, she always, always fell asleep at the best parts.

Something brushed the side of her head suddenly and his heart leaped on his chest; but it was just Ana, sitting down at the armrest by his side. Silent, soundless, like a ghost. She was wearing a long thick sweater on top of a tank top, her silver hair braided over her shoulder as it seemed to be her custom now. She seemed calm in the same way the moon gazed over a lake on a windless night. Untouchable and imperturbable. And beautiful, so beautiful.

The film kept playing, but he could not bring himself back to watching it. All he could think about was grabbing her, sitting her on his lap, and keeping her there. Hug her again. Kiss her forehead, her hair. Oh, he had always dreamed of more, but he knew her after all those years-- It would never happen. Damn, he had never needed it to happen. She had so much more to give than just her body, despite of how much he had always liked it.

Something hard hit him in the elbow and he saw Torb looking at him with that face of sympathy, passive-aggressive worry, and disapproval that somehow Brigitte had inherited from him.

I know, he wanted to say. I’m a fool.

It was not until after a while that he realized Lena was not around anymore. Nor Winston. The lights were dim, much more than when he had set them up, and the film was rolling the end credits. He must have been really absorbed on his thinking not to notice a large gorilla leaving his field of vision.

Torb was not there, either, but Brigitte was still snuggled under his arm. And Ana… she was silent by his side. A patient, still statue.

“I think it’s time I--” He oofed softly when the engineer’s elbow dug on his ribs. Her brown eyes looked intently at Ana. He was about to protest, but she elbowed him again. Of course she would insist, having endured hell towing him around until he found his feet under himself again, but he had known enough shame for the week already.

“No, I am going to bed,” she said in the end, pulling herself away from his arm. “You guys stay here and talk.”

Reinhardt gaped. Had they somehow planned to hijack his completely random movie night to set him up with Ana? He spared a look at her and found, not without horror, that there was a twinkle of amusement in her eye. She knew. She knew and had decided to play along.

Shit.

“Brigitte!” He said among teeth, turning to the engineer. “You were supposed to be on my side.”

“And I am, old man,” she patted him in the shoulder. “Now, be a darling,” she smirked, and disappeared from the room, leaving them alone and in silence.

“The chocolate was really nice,” Ana’s voice was soft and calm, soothing. “I wish you would have shared it with me.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked down. He had fled from her room, yes. The chocolate had seemed a good idea until she had grabbed his hand. It had been an innocent gesture, yet-- it was the first time she touched him since they had met again. It was both sweet and a dagger through his heart. Ridiculous, he knew. He did not only get older with the years, it seemed.

“So you made this little raffle to tell me that?”

“It was Torb’s idea, actually. Always getting his nose in everyone’s life.” she half-smiled, handling her long braid. “But I’m grateful this time, because I was afraid to talk to you and he pushed me into it.”

His stomach dropped. Oh, boy. There were many things she may want to talk about--her lack of contact during years, her sudden return, his meltdown ten days ago, their nonexistent relationship-- and all of them made him shudder.

“Let me explain wh--”

“No,” he got up straight away and gave her the back. “I don’t want to know why you stayed away. I don’t want to know why you decided to come back. You did, and that’s-- I’m blessed enough.”

“Yet, you are upset and angry.”

His hands itched to punch something, to lift a barbell. Anything. He did not want to have any conversation that involved them, but he could not run again. Even if everything else had been stripped from him, he still had his honour--and he promised her. He promised he would be his friend or anything she needed for as long as she wanted. But he just-- he just--

“I don’t think I can keep my promise any longer,“ he said in the end, pushing the words outside as if they weighed a ton each. “So--this is it.”

Ana grabbed him from behind; arms barely circling his waist, forehead just below his shoulder blades--and he almost melted to the ground.

“Maus, don’t,” he covered her little hands with one of his. “I’m serious, I--”

“Please, hear me out,” she interrupted him, a bit on a panic. Her fingers curled, scratching his belly with the short nails. “Then, I leave it in your hands. I promise.”

He made a thin line with his mouth and glued his eye on the screen in front of him. He did not want hear it, he was positive about it. Yet, he was an idiot when Ana was concerned, and he would be until the day he died.

“These years away from everything I hunted down those that broke our family apart,” she started after a bit of silence. “It’s a long story, and--you know I’m not very good at telling stories. To make it short, I’d say recently I met someone--gained some intel, and I decided to find Winston. Let him know Overwatch was destroyed from the inside.”

“Overwatch died with you,” he barely restrained himself from caressing her hands. “You kept Gabriel and Jack in check. You listened to Angela’s complaints, growled at Moira when she stepped out the line. Taught Genji and Jesse, and Fareeha, and Brigitte. What do you think happened when Jack came back alone?”

His voice had lost its strength as he talked. It had been years, Ana was alive, and yet--yet he wished he could erase that year from his memory completely. He may have not been in active at the time, but it Overwatch was his only home. His only family. And it disintegrated literally in front of his eyes.

“You made me laugh during all that,” she rubbed her forehead against him, softly. “You kept me afloat and sane so I could do what the team needed--and I never thanked you for it.”

“There’s no need. I just wish I had been there with you and Jack. Where I should have been. Then, maybe things would have been different.”

“We would not be here today if not for that,” she made a sound as if she was going to say something, but had decided against it in the last moment. Her fingers curled over his old sweater. “I would not have had an idiot coming to my room with chocolate and-- I would not have realized how much I had missed him.”

“You have always wanted me around,” Reinhardt snorted, letting his head fall. “If only for a while. Then, you rushed to the next problem. The next training. The next mission. And then, you came back when it suited you. Just like now.”

There was a moment of silence, and it was more deafening than the loudest of the yells. He had never been this honest, this direct. But it was now or never. There were no more grey areas, no more time after decades of backs and forths. Not after she died on him.

Break it or mend it.

“You are right. I’ve loved you for years,” she said in a low voice, unaware of the lightning strike effect her words had on him. “And I have always pushed you away. I had too many things to do, people to care about, Fareeha. The war that I wanted to win at all costs. And fear. Fear that I would get all the team killed for your sake, just like I did for Sam. Fear of being involved with someone again after our relationship failed.”

Reinhardt closed his eyes until he managed to draw breath. Sometimes he had dared to think that she had feelings for him, too, but she never said-- She had never explained--

“Everything else was more urgent, everything else had priority. I was more blind with two eyes than I am now,” Ana continued, her voice cracking every now and then. “I know I have no right to come now and tell you this, after everything you’ve been through, but, if you would have me--”

He turned around and pulled her in an embrace, hugging the air out of her. Her hands found his shoulders, the base of his neck, and he felt like choking. Choking on his own fears, on a thin thread of hope, on her scent and all the love he always have had for her.

“Are you sure of this?” He said under his breath. “Ana, if you-- I can’t--”

She kissed him.

Their second kiss in thirty years, and it tasted of salt and sorrow, of time lost. She totally was out of practice --as he was, who was he fooling?-- but it was the best kiss he could ever hope for.

When she pressed her forehead to his, he was laughing and sobbing at the same time.

Established that they are two idiots, let’s see what happens to them during the rest of the days...

Day 3: “Games”

#Reinhardt #reinhardt wilhem #Anahardt Week #Ana Amari #anahardtweek #reinhardt+ana #my art

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calumcest · 4 years

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first of all it's so nice to see that you're back & i hope you're feeling better? :) i really get that your friend wanted to leave, hamburg is just the worst and dresden is really such a beautiful city i understand your love for it well :) do you have any plans about going back to dresden? & berlin too since you said you want to? (i'm gonna assume corona kind of cancelled any eventual plans but still) & may i ask where in england you live? i love england/the uk a lot so i was wondering 🙈 (pt1)

(pt3) for example i personally love hearing about good parts of the east bc it's always shown like hell on earth when it wasn't all bad really? and i don't think i ever noticed anything about our landscape but that might just be bc i didn't pay attention 😅 is there sth specific that stuck out to you? and off the top of my head the first difference that comes to my mind is how there is still a pay gap between east and west which is mindblowing to me, and then the general behaviour?

(pt4) like my english teacher was from baden-württemberg and he had really big problems adjusting to our general tone? like apparently people in the west are more open and easier to approach which i found really fascinating. and i mean we are pretty divided by language though that's not exactly a west/east conflict i mean sachsen and berlin have such different dialects too. oh & i meant west germany until 90 - that just feels like the history of a different country to me.

(pt5) & i definitely associate myself more w berlin than with germany which also feels so weird? oh that's so niice!! i love these pics :) i was so afraid you'd say that 😅 it's always been pfannkuchen to me, berliner just sounds fucking wrong (i do get your points about it i just can't accept it bc it feels so so wrong) i don't have a strong opinion about nutella tbh except for it's clearly not der nutella. you're so right about that. like it literally makes me cringe to hear 'der nutella'.

(pt6) that's so valid articles cause a lot of distress since they just don't make sense sometimes. and if you're infiltrating duden already please remove kaktusse as a plural of kaktus i would really appreciate it bc the fact that they put that in literally makes me want to claw my skin off. hope you can find it for free! and you should definitely rewatch hsm! i did that at the beginning of lockdown and it was amazing

(pt7) ooh that sounds amazing!! and so funny just from the description i can't wait for more holyverse :) also quickly wanted to mention that thanks to all your atl promo i'm now listening to nothing but them 😂 -spoiler twin

thank you!! i am feeling a little better gradually getting there taking a big ol social media break really helped! also yes i’m DESPERATE to move back to dresden the issue is i dont know wtf i’d be able to do there? because of the way the education system is set up in germany like i studied (man had to change that to past tense cant believe i’m DONE) history and german here and in germany that would be part of lehramt but here its like? i can just do what i like? (w further qualifications) i can go and become a lawyer, i can work in government, i can literally do anything and in germany its so restricted that i dont know whether i could actually go over unless i’d already established myself in a career path? so i don’t know :( i really really want to move back but i’ll have to find a career that lets me do that first! and if i do move back (which i pray i can) i think i’ll probably live in dresden first because i miss it so much but i’ve always wanted to live in berlin since i was a teenager and fell in love w it the first time i visited so i would love to live there at some point too but dresden is my priority i’m just so besotted sjdfnjsdf also i live in london! best place on the planet not that i’m biased or antyhing

omg honestly i MISS kika might just fuck around and watch sending mit der maus tomorrow for fun i wonder if christoph is still there he was my childhood icon sjkdnfksjdf also me too!! i find it so interesting on like a day to day level? like obviously there was the overarching political regime but i’m more interested in how that affected the everyday lives of citizens of both states? my masters thesis is (hopefully) gonna be about how hiv/aids was constructed in the public sphere through language in the east and west i.e. how the government, intellectuals, media, church etc used language to create an idea of hiv/aids and people with hiv/aids its kind of building on my bachelorarbeit but its super interesting to me!

omg literally same i find it so reductive when people are like ossi bad haha like? yeah lets not act like hohenschönhausen was a cushy hotel but there was much more stability in some areas e.g. housing/jobs? honestly i think the attitudes towards foreigners and the right wing sympathy was the main thing that stood out to me but that was probably just dresden/saxony LMAO

that’s so interesting? i didn’t know that! honestly all of you lot scare me because the stereotype about how direct the germans are is like...so true especially as a brit i cannot lie to you my FIRST day at work i was in a meeting and they were discussing ideas about how to teach a particular lesson and one teacher put forward an idea and another teacher straight up went ‘no that’s a bad idea that won’t work. we should think about something else’ i was literally like ?!?!??!?! thinking a fight was about to break out cos in the uk if someone offers an idea and someone thinks its bad theyll be like ‘thats an interesting idea! maybe we can incorporate some elements of that’ which means its shit dont mention it again and i went home and i told my mum (shes my german parent) and she said when she first came to the uk her boss came out to his secretary and said would you mind doing this? and she went home to my dad and was like WOW my boss is so polite he said ‘would you mind’ and my dad was like babes...that means ‘do this or else’ LMAO like we just have such different communication styles? also it was the first place that i’ve ever been met with confusion when someone bumps into me or steps on my foot and i apologise like in the uk thats just a given but people would bump into me and i’d be like schuldigung and they’d be like why are you sorry i bumped into you not the other way round?

that’s interesting! would you call yourself a berliner before calling yourself a german or vice versa? i assume it would depend on who you’re talking to as well like to a foreigner maybe more likely to just say german? although everyone knows where berlin is

omg NO pfannkuchen is a prper pancake but i will accept it because you are from berlin so you have authority i genuinely never heard pfannkuchen mean anything other than what dresdeners call eierkuchen until i was in dresden THAT was a nasty surprise because i dont actually like berliner so i just had to politely eat this berliner when i was expecting crepes :’(

oh god please the first thing i’md oing when i infiltrate duden is getting rid of cases and genders if english can make do without then so can german we do not need any of that nonsense i dont care whether its dative or accusative TERRIBLE whoever invented the german language should be fired also i’m FASCINATED that thats what you dont like what would you like the plural to be kakti? kakten? kaktüsse? i’m very intersted in this

I’M LIVING!!!!! alex gaskarth give me a commission for this free promo please god i love atl i need to relisten i went on a binge a few weeks ago and havent really listened to much recently besides vegas for some reason

#spoiler twin #Anonymous #helen answers #HELLOOOOOOOO WHY WONT MY READ MORE WORK

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cactul · 7 years

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Can you tell us more about Stellones species? Like what are they called? How do you differentiate between genders? Do they even have genders? What are societal structures and family units typically like? How long do they live? Are they spiritual? Sorry if this is a nosy or rude question I just want to know more abt your characters! Love love love your art btw :)

Thank you so much!!

Gender/Basic Facts: Stellone’s alien species is called Maubak. It’s sort of a play on words with “meow” and “bark”, since there’s two major differences between the people. On one end of the spectrum, there’s Maubaks who act/look more like sphinx cats. Where others look/act more like jackals. That being said, their sort of “gender binary” doesn’t revolve around genitalia (ew), it revolves around one being more cat or dog. I use the term “gender binary” very loosely though, because gender roles aren’t a big deal in this society. People usually dress and act however they want to because, as a very intelligent society, nobody cares.. lmao. They have better things to worry about, like drought and keeping historical landmarks clean. To get technical though, people go by 3 different types of pronouns. Translated it would be mau(cat), bak(dog), and “emby” (or, nonbinary. Emby is pronounced like the acronym “M.B.”, which stands for the full name, “Maubak”)

Architecture: The general aesthetic of their culture is a lot like ancient egypt. They wear a lot of golden jewelry and build grand monuments/temples. Their civilization might as well be illuminati because these catdogs are obsessed with triangles and pyramids. Most residential houses are built in some kind of pyramid-esq shape, made out of solid clay. Others prefer an all-glass structure (mainly the more cat-like maubaks because they love to bask in the suns :+P)

Tradition/Climate: The climate of their planet is very dry and hot. But when it does rain, people make a big deal about it. It’s like a holiday, only super muddy. The tradition is basically a huge mud ball fight. People stop what they’re doing and run into the center of town and just wail on each other lmao. This is basically the only free-pass Maubaks get to act wild and crazy. As a whole, their civilization is very sophisticated, and like to keep to themselves. But when those rainclouds come rolling in, all that strict etiquette and social standards go out the window haha. Lots of people from Earth visit Maubak in the rainy season, because they say the rain tastes like cherry dr pepper!

Dumb backstory: For a while, I had this idea that they had ties with earth’s ancient civilizations. They landed in egypt, thinking the world was chill with aliens, until quickly realizing the contrary. Most fled in fear of the sight of these terrifying beasts, but others wanted to praise them, thinking they were gods of the afterlife… namely one particular Maubak; Anubis. It’s kind of a stupid cliche that i had going for a while. Not too sure if that’s still canon tbh haha.

Societal structures: I haven’t really thought about forms of government all that much tbh. I just see their world being run by either a high council or king/queen type situation. But since their civilization’s been around for legitimately 20k years, they’ve figured out a way to keep things running smoothly. One thing I can say is that they pride themselves on intelligence, physical perfection, and preparation for the next generation. Schools are incredibly important and open to everyone. In fact, education is held to such a high standard, the schools themselves look like religious monuments. They’re HUGE.

Physicality: Maubaks come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. The more dog-like Maubaks are usually tall and thin, and have long, spindly hands, noses, and ears. (Stellone is dwarfed in size compared to most Maubaks. When he first visits his home planet, everyone towers over him. It’s weird because he’s used to people thinking that he’s the tall one, back on Earth.) Whereas the cat-like ones (my other maubak oc, Leona, looks more like a sphinx cat), are usually shorter, chubbier, and have bigger eyes.

EYES! Over time, Maubaks have developed an abnormality in the number of eyes on one’s face. The common amount people typically have is 3-4. It’s very rare and considered very beautiful if a Maubak has only 2, because it symbolizes the origins of their civilization. Speaking of symbolism, eye decals are all over the place. Architecture, clothing, media, etc…. illuminati!

Brain phones: All maubaks have lil ear nubbins at the tip of the ear. They’re basically phones that people use to call each other on. To share “numbers” with each other, they boop nubbins together and now they’re connected! This gets dicy sometimes, though. It’s socially deplorable if one bumps another’s ear on purpose, without the others�� say-so. It’s like yanking somebody’s phone out of their hands and writing your number in there without asking. There’s a portion of a Maubak’s brain that specifically controls these calls. It’s even capable of blocking people, if need be. Plus, it can be turned on/off whenever!

Family units: are usually a mom and a dad and like…. 12 children lmao. They have litters, pretty much! The more kids a family has, the luckier the family becomes (as society says). Mothers who give birth to only one kid at a time, are said to be bad luck. Stellone’s biological parents are royalty and were only able to have him. It’s part of the reason why they resented him so much :(

Lifespan: They live to be about 500 years old. They grow up super fast (takes roughly 20 years to reach maturity), and stay an adult most of their lives, until the final 20-ish years, where their “eternal youth” fades away…….Which means, Stellone is gonna out-live his human family HAHAHA…… :”0 why do i do this to myself

anyways,

Religion: They are very spiritual! Their most practiced “religion” is basically like reincarnation. This is because past lives are so vividly remembered, it’s basically fact. They’ve reached a stage of intelligence where the consciousness is recordable. Some deeply religious people believe that when they dream, they enter another dimension. To put in layman’s term, a spirit waiting room haha. That being said, ghosts are totally real and Maubaks believe that they’re souls on their way to the next life! And whenever somebody sees one, it’s a touching moment, rather than bat-shit terrifying :+P

There’s probably a lot I’m forgetting, but whatevs. Thanks for the ask… sorry i rambled so much aaa

#Anonymous #watsa #stellone #rip mobile users

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theonyxpath · 7 years

Link

We made it!

Here on the very precipice of 2017, the first step of many along the Onyx Path in the new year, I first want to thank all of you for your support these past five years.

That’s right, Onyx Path Publishing is five years old, and 2017 will be our sixth year making books and the worlds featured in them!

And we could not have done it without you. Thanks so much!

The Company in 2017

In a lot of ways, 2016 was our year to build the structure that 2017 will be standing on and building from. We’re going to reap the benefits of last year’s work in this coming year, for sure.

We have a staff of five now, with both Rollickin’ Rose Bailey and Mighty Matt McElroy devoted to tightening our creation process in the coming year so that our talented creative teams can better roll through it in a timely manner without sacrificing quality.

We have several freelance graphic designers to call on this year so that Mirthful Mike Chaney has more options to cover all of our layout needs.

We have our Extended Media teams exploring getting our projects (first fiction) up on Amazon and other electronic publishing venues. They’ve been reading through your comments and emails from the past two weeks and are pulling together a battle plan for how we can help our community play our games on on-lines sites like Roll20 and Fantasy Grounds.

Getting Books in Stores

Last year, we ran three Kickstarters whose purpose was to get the traditionally printed books into game stores, with Scarred Lands, Scion 2e, and Pugmire. This year, we’ll see how that all works out even as we’re running a few more KSs that have the same goal. Plus, we are extending our list of available books being offered by our friends at Indy Press Revolution as both more Deluxe/Prestige books are added, and they distribute the traditionally printed books I mentioned.

(As an aside, some of you may not realize that Indy Press Revolution has both an online store that you can order from as an individual, and are distributors that your Friendly Local Game Store can order from to get a selection of our books into your nearest store. Please let your local game store owner know that IPR is one easy way they can get Onyx Path books for their customers.)

Samedi by Mark Kelly for Lore of the Bloodlines

Convention Appearances

The last couple of years, we’ve been fine-tuning how we deal with convention attendance; do we go, and if so, what is our purpose? Other than smoozing with our fans and fellow RPG creators, of course. Without a warehouse jammed with books like in the old WW days, we have to order and ship anything we hope to sell, so having that rare book from 1995 for sale isn’t something we can really do as an ongoing thing.

What worked all last year was to focus on bringing the new books and other stuff, and re-arranging our booth so that we have more opportunities for demoing and introducing folks to how to play our games. We’ve started linking our booth demoing to the games that are being played in the gaming areas by the Wrecking Crew and other folks playing Onyx Path games, and we expect to more of that in 2017.

Especially since, this year is Gen Con‘s 50th Anniversary, so there is every expectation that the place will be a madhouse. If all goes as planned, we will also be in a booth twice as big as previously, along with our friends at Nocturnal Media; the better to highlight Scarred Lands in Pathfinder and 5e editions.

We’re thrilled to start 2017’s con season at MidWinter Con in Milwaukee next week – check out more info below in the BLURBS! section. And expect to see some sort of Onyx Path representation at even more cons this year coming up.

Kickstarters

Yes. We will do some.

Seriously, we’re continuing to look at Kickstarter not as simply a funding tool, although that is always important, but as a way to involve our community in the creation and outreach for a project. We want each KS to be more like an event that couldn’t happen any other way.

Our biggest experiment actually starts off the year, as we are prepping for the Kickstarter for the Prince’s Gambit casual card game. We’ve simply have never done a card game Kickstarter before, so there is a lot to learn. Should this work out, though, it could open the door for a Werewolf follow-up, and/or at least one of the Pugmire card games Eddy has been cackling madly over.

We have further potential KSs this year for Monarchies of Mau, and then maybe Changeling: the Lost 2nd and/or Hunter: the Vigil 2nd, Cavaliers of Mars, What Fire Hath Wrought: the Dragon Blooded, Deviant, Dark Eras 2, and most certainly the Trinity Continuum. Maybe one or more card games, maybe something new, and maybe something almost 20 years old.

Astraea by Brian LeBlanc

Very Short Looks at Game Lines and Not Schedule Previews

World of Darkness: Like we said in August, in 2017 we’re really going to concentrate on getting the many KS projects we have started out to folks this year when we are still in kind of a natural break between major game lines that are at their 20 year marks. Plus, we’re preparing our ideas for projects that work with the new White Wolf‘s 5th Edition. There is a lot still unknown about all that, so we’ll all see how things develop together!

Chronicles of Darkness: We’ll be continuing the 2nd Editions with CtL2, HtV2, and Geist 2nd as well, and we’re looking at a series of Night Horrors books that bring back that idea of books featuring antagonists and other weirdness for the lines. We’re also looking at a list of projects still in the offing we need to deliver for the existing lines, and maybe a “bluebook” or two.

Exalted 3rd: We’ve been working with the Devs to create a schedule that works, and our team is committed to putting together a regular series of releases for EX3 in 2017. Everyone involved in the monumental task of creating the 3rd Edition core book devoted insane amounts of effort to it, and that very extended effort was exhausting. Time now, though, to get folks the new books they need to keep playing.

Scion 2nd Edition: We’re going to be making and delivering the KS’d projects. Gearing up for even more coolness beyond that.

Trinity Continuum: Kickstarter this year, with two whole lines starting there for the TC core and TC: Aeon.

Scarred Lands: PGs shipped out, along with adventures and the revised Wise and the Wicked. We’ve been talking about a new Creature Collection, if anybody might be interested in that.

Pugmire: Going to get it made and shipped, the KS projects too, and then the next books in the line. (Which we haven’t announced yet in order to focus on the KSd projects). Monarchies of Mau KS’d, and maybe a card game this year. This world has the potential to really go nuts, so we’re keeping a careful eye on both the RPG and the extra projects like the fiction and interactive audio drama adventure.

Cavaliers of Mars: KS’d this year, and we’re expecting a very cool and focused set of projects to come out from that for starters.

New Games and Game Worlds: Yes, we have a bunch in various stages of creation, from accepted pitches to being written. I’m not seeing a rush to release in 2017 next year with all we have happening, but who knows what might change?

Allright, that’s next year in a prophetic nutshell. If 2016 was any indication, any and all of this could be upended by surprise developments, so let’s figure that this is the path so far as we can tell, and start walking it and see where it leads.

It’s going to be fantastic!

___________________________________________________________________________

BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER!

We’re exploring card game Kickstarters, packaging, and components, for Prince’s Gambit. Justin, Eddy, a crack team of players, and our talented videographers have finished shooting the KS videos in Atlanta and are assembling edits even as you read this. Things look good, and we are all for starting the KS in late January so long as the process of pulling the KS together cooperates. If so, then Monarchies of Mau KS would be next, after Gambit.

ON SALE!

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z

It is now the preordained time for Dawn of Heresies, the Mummy: the Curse novel written by internationally renowned author Brian Hodge to arise! Both PDF and physical book PoD versions will be available Wednesday the 4th on DTRPG!

Open the V20 Dark Ages: Tome of Secrets now on DTRPG! Both PDF and physical book PoD versions are now available! http://ift.tt/2i1XOXd

The Tome of Secrets is a treatment of numerous topics about Cainites and stranger things in the Dark Medieval World. It’s about peeling back the curtain, and digging a little deeper. Inside, you’ll find:

• Expanded treatment of Assamite Sorcery, Koldunic Sorcery, Necromancy, and Setite Sorcery

• A look at Cainite knightly orders, faith movements, and even human witchcraft

• Letters and diaries from all over the Dark Medieval World

Travel with us all the way to the Red Planet for the Cavaliers of Mars Jumpstart: A Festival of Blades, available in PDF and PoD on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2biWBpR

Live, fight, and love on Mars, a world of red death and strange mystery, a world of savagery and romance.

Includes:

A complete adventure set in one of dying Mars’ greatest remaining cities.

The innovative DEIMOS rules, for high-flying, swashbuckling adventure.

Four pre-generated player characters, ready to get into the heart of the action.

The Advance PDF for Reap the Whirlwind, the Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition Jumpstart swirls into being on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2i1WPpD

You are a vampire, a junkie. Every night, you beg and you borrow and you steal just a little more life, just a few more sweet moments. But there’s a guy at the top. The Prince. He’s got everything. The money, the secrets, the blood.

Tonight, you’re going to take it from him. Tomorrow, there’ll be hell to pay.

This updated edition of Reap the Whirlwind features revisions to match the core rulebook for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition. Text edits and rules clarifications have also been updated.

Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes:

Rules for creating and playing vampires in the Chronicles of Darkness

The first two levels of every clan Discipline, the dark powers of the dead

A complete adventure by noted horror author Chuck Wendig

This new revised Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes an updated booklet, 7 condition cards, and the interactive Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition character sheet.

The Locker is open; the Chronicles of Darkness: Hurt Locker, that is! The Advance PDF is now available on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbM9me

Hurt Locker features:

Treatment of violence in the Chronicles of Darkness. Lasting trauma, scene framing, and other tools for making your stories hurt.

Many new player options, including Merits, supernatural knacks, and even new character types like psychic vampires and sleeper cell soldiers.

Expanded equipment and equipment rules.

Hurt Locker requires the Chronicles of Darkness Rulebook or any other standalone Chronicles of Darkness rulebook such as Vampire: The Requiem, Werewolf: The Forsaken, or Beast: The Primordial to use.

Discover the long-awaited Secrets of the Covenants for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition as we unearth the Advance PDF now on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbQjus

This book includes:

A variety of stories from each of the covenants, all told in their own words.

Never-before revealed secrets, like the fate of the Prince of New Orleans.

New blood sorcery, oaths, and other hidden powers of the covenants.

We have now added a B&W PoD version of the Endless Ages Vampire Anthology to the existing full color PDF and PoD choices! Celebrating 25 years of personal horror, the eighteen stories in Endless Ages range in style and aesthetics from the very first edition of Vampire released in 1991, all the way to the latest books put out for the 20th Anniversary Edition. http://ift.tt/2dL7Gkt

Seek the Cainite Conspiracies, the fiction anthology for V20 Dark Ages, in PDF and PoD physical book formats! http://ift.tt/2fMksQQ

This collection of short stories features tales by Vampire developers such as Justin Achilli, Eddy Webb, David A. Hill, Jr., and Neall Raemonn Price along with award-winning horror authors including Maurice Broaddus, Catherine Lundoff, and Richard Dansky.

Promethean: the Created 2nd Edition comes to life in both PDF and PoD physical book versions NOW on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2aUBEnc

You are a pilgrim now, one of the Created. You rose to life from dead flesh or inert matter, under the ministrations of one of your own, or a mad scientist, or perhaps just the power of the Divine Fire. You wander the world, sometimes alone, sometimes in the blessed company of your own kind, driven by memories of events and facts you never knew, all in the service of one Great Work…

…to be human.

Humans don’t make it easy, though. The Divine Fire that animates you burns too bright, blinds people, and scorches the land if you linger too long. It masks your disfigurements and makes you appear human, but that mask slips and people see your hideous, true form. The Pilgrimage is a long, difficult road, but it is yours, and you know, somehow, that the salvation of the New Dawn waits at the end.

This book contains:

The complete guide to playing a Promethean in the Chronicles of Darkness

Reimagined Lineages and Refinements, and a redesigned system for Transmutations

A more detailed approached to the Pilgrimage that presents players with more control over their characters’ path

New challenges on the road to humanity, including deranged, greedy alchemists

CONVENTIONS!

Onyx Path will be at Mid Winter Con 2017 in January in the lovely city of Milwaukee. Come brave the cold wastes to game and cavort with us! Please keep an eye out on the MidWinter site for announcements as to our very special beta test and Play With The Creator special events! http://ift.tt/Lfx9nY

Here are three reasons to attend, if you had any doubts!:

RPG Playing! We have once again convinced Dave Martin and his Wrecking Crew team of game masters to run a vast plethora of Onyx Path games. Everything from World of Darkness to Scion to Cavaliers of Mars and Pugmire, as well as a bunch of Prince’s Gambit casual vampire card game sessions. We have a whole ballroom dedicated to our games this year, so sign up and play.

RPG Playtests! Onyx Path loves to use MidWinter as a sort of test-lab for our games, and this year is no exception! Eddy Webb will be playtesting Monarchies of Mau, the cat follow-up to the smash-hit Pugmire, as well as a couple of card game projects he has been tinkering with. Rose Bailey will be running a playtest sneak-peak of Cavaliers of Mars, and Neall Raemonn Price may have some Scion 2e goodness to share.

The Onyx Path Gang! Yep, a bunch of us will be at MidWinter, and not only will we be at the intimate Onyx Q&A listed during the events, but we’ll be at our booth in the sales area, at other events, hanging out in our gaming room with the Wrecking Crew, or just sitting back and chatting around the hotel. MidWinter is a great venue to speak with us as it is nowhere near as hectic as GenCon, and we have fewer business commitments. So look for me, Rose, Eddy, Neall, Monica, Matt McElroy, and a bunch of our awesome creative contributors too!

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart (Vampire: the Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Cookbook (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

VtR Half-Damned (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

CtD C20 Jumpstart (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Ex Novel 2 by Aaron Rosenberg (Exalted 3rd Edition)

C20 Novel (Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Pugmire Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)

Monarchies of Mau Early Access (Pugmire)

Redlines

Scion: Origins (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Second Draft

The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wraith: the Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition

BtP Beast Player’s Guide (Beast: the Primordial)

Development

W20 Changing Ways (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

SL The Wise and the Wicked (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

SL Dagger of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Dagger of Spiragos (5e– Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Arms of the Chosen (Exalted 3rd Edition)

VtR A Thousand Years of Night (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary (Stretch Goal Content)

W20 Song of Unmaking novel (Bridges) (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

BtP Building a Legend (Beast: the Primordial)

CtD C20 Anthology (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Editing:

CtL fiction anthology (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

Cavaliers of Mars

Post-Editing Development: Indexing:

ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Dark Eras Companion

Beckett’s Jyhad Diary

C20 – Wrapping up shenanigans.

M20 Book of Secrets – AD’d

W20 Pentex Employee Indoctrination Handbook

V20 Dark Ages Companion

Mortal Remains – Beast – AD’d

EX3 Tomb of Dreams Jumpstart – Continuing to get sketches and seeing first color comps

In Layout

Necropolis Rio

Promethean 2 Condition Cards

V20 Lore of the Bloodlines

Beckett Screen

Prince’s Gambit

Pugmire

Dark Eras: Ends of Empire – Wrapping it up.

Dark Eras: The Sundered World – Converting that over for PoD.

Proofing

Beast Conquering Heroes – At WWP.

SL Wise and Wicked Update

CofD Hurt Locker – Awaiting errata.

Secrets of the Covenants – Awaiting errata.

At Press

Ex 3 Screen – Finished at the Printer.

Ex 3 core book – From RichT: manufacturing continues. Waiting for printer to return from holiday to get update on gilding progress.

V20 DA Tome of Secrets – PDF/PoD versions on sale.

Dawn of Heresies Mummy Novel – PDF/electronic formats/physical book PoD versions on sale Wednesday the 4th on DTRPG.

Beast Condition Cards – Prepping PoD press files.

Cavaliers of Mars Jumpstart – PoD on sale.

Revised Reap The Whirlwind Jumpstart – Advance PDF on sale.

TODAY’S REASON TO DRINK: To a new year rich with possibilities!

#Onyx Path Publishing

3 notes · View notes

twistednuns · 7 years

Text

March 2017

Passer une semaine merveilleuse à Paris avec Frank! Wow, my first impulse was actually to start writing in French, this is how far I've already come in little more than a week of intense training... Which brings me to me first good thing this month, even before writing about the great things that happened in Paris:

Being extremely motivated to brush up my French! It was so much fun to notice how my language skills improved every day even though I only spent five days in Paris. On my last day, I bought one of the Harry Potter books in French (I figured reading a book I already know more or less by heart will make it less hard when I have to guess every other word). I read seven chapters on the train to Munich and have since scored thousands of experience points on Duolingo. Gosh, I even started filling a notebook with vocabulary and grammar rules. I wonder how long I can keep up this pace... But it's so amazing, I catch myself talking to myself in French (in my thoughts at least). Immersing myself in the language definitely made an impression on me.

Ok, so, Paris. The train ride was great because I started AND finished reading a whole book. / I was so happy whenever I managed to have a successful conversation in French. / I really liked Ombeline, especially roaming around her apartment (with more than 17 chairs in the living room alone). Going through all her books and bandes dessinées (she even had one by Margaux Motin!), making breakfast in her kitchen, opening some of the cupboards and marvelling at the sheer amount of stuff and back-ups she owns, looking at her souvenirs from Africa and the beautiful crescent moon mask. / The SOHN concert at La Maroquinerie (which was by chance only a few hundred metres away from Ombeline's flat). "I can feel it coming, we can never go back." / Finding a statue of a gorgeous bearded man in marble; surrounded by baby angels with severed heads. A man after my fancy. / Sitting in Sacré-Coeur, taking cover from the rain, having a profane conversation. / Taking a walk from Montmartre to Faubourg; a good hour of sunshine, glitter on the streets in Pigalle, noticing that gay Frenchmen have a very distinct style. Sharing a passion fruit éclair. Decadent bulky waste (a pink satin canapé). / Spending time at Centre Pompidou, rediscovering Twombly, Brancusi and Klee. / Sitting outside a café with a strong drink and a cigarette (I had to think about Franzi's idea of the ideal way to spend time in Paris - sitting around in cafés all day, wearing red lipstick and smoking way too much). / Watching the swing dancers at Balajo. / Le jardin des plantes! The palaeontology and geology museum were fantastic. I've always wanted to go there but somehow I never managed even though I've been to Paris three times before. / Sitting at the Seine, next to each other, taking in the scenery.

Minimalism input: reading Escape Everything by Robert Wringham in Ombelines overly full apartment made me consider doing something drastic with my life. Sell all my stuff, become a digital nomad. So many ideas!

Overhearing a little girl one afternoon addressing the red, white and blue balloons she had just gotten in a bakery: "Ja ich weiß, ihr Luftballons ihr wollt weg!"

I've basically stopped watching TV? What's going on? I only saw one movie in February, and that was at the cinema! Awesome! More time for books!

Buying books is so satisfying. I loved spending time in French book stores (Les Mots à la Bouche!), going through the used-book section at the Bouquinistes and Shakespeare and Company. I bought so many books during the last few weeks. It's gonna take the rest of the year to read all of them.

My colleague asked me whether I'd like to start a sustainability exchange programme with a school in South America! Exciting!

The Grossstadtgeflüster concert at Feierwerk was awesome. I even got a sticker with a street sign for Fickt-Euch-Allee (I kinda wanna put it over the real street sign here in my street).

Oat cookies with dark chocolate. Baking my favourite lemon cake with poppy seeds and blueberries.

A weird weekend - I neither left the house nor talked to anyone - but I was in the mood to clean all my windows! My productivity high is getting scary...

How sadly true this article on jealousy is. The first paragraph actually triggered me to shout out "ha" because I felt caught. Oh well. After all "you have to keep breaking your heart before it opens." (Rumi)

ALMOST booking a flight to Cancún over Christmas and New Year's Eve. It might still happen. So far I'm afraid I'm spending too much money as it is... we'll see how much unreason my bank account can take. But just imagining lying on a white, sandy beach on the first day of 2018 while Germany vanishes in a cloud of dust and smoke after the annual fireworks... nice thought.

Making poached eggs for the first time. You have to make a swirl with an egg whisk in a pot of vinegar water and crack the eggs while the water is still moving.

The nice feeling of the dust cover of Zeige deine Wunde by Rüdiger Sünner.

Talking to Inge on the tram.

Watching Wilde Maus at Rio Filmpalast. Pia Hierzegger is such an interesting actress and I just found out that she's been dating Josef Hader for years now! Ha. Best quote: "Bist du angrennt irgendwo?"

Drawing some figures for my sixth-graders and colouring them in Photoshop (I haven't done that in a while but it's so much fun). And in general - being more creative. Drawing a treasure map with black ink. Getting the watercolours out. Sitting down with my students to make clay and stone sculptures. It's so nice to create something, free from pressure.

A fantastic room tour.

The handsome dude from the French textbook publishing company. Can he come over more often, please?

Watching old Art Attack videos.

A very stormy morning. 6am, the sky still dark blue, the trees bending and bowing as black silhouettes against it. What an energetic start into the day.

Pressed flowers. I'm thinking about making my own, just like I used to as a kid.

This article: On drowning goats.

I just had a wonderful idea: I'd like to make a book for my friends. I'm not quite sure what should go inside but I was thinking of stories and memories, recipes, photographs and of course some of my drawings. I'd have so much fun layouting it and I'd also have a full round of really good Christmas presents. Projects! Whee!

It sounds counter-intuitive but: Running from a situation instead of suffering through it. I often try to do "the right/decent thing" to put a good face on the matter and sit it out when I'm actually dying on the inside. It felt good to say "no, not that shit again" and walk away.

An unexpected support squad at school (thanks, Selina, Osna, Katarina!)

Liberté, Egalité, Beyoncé

My tiny new portrait drawing class.

Successful adulting: taking care of boring insurance policies, contracts, applying for a visa, having my bike repaired, refilling my car's water tank. But I did all the things!!

Milchschnitte Himbeer and mango panna cotta.

Liebertext / exchanging daily mails with a stranger.

Getting the invitation for Franzi's and Ralf's wedding in the mail! I was so happy I was hardly even mad about all the confetti in the envelope, I mean, on my bathroom floor. And I was so relieved that my return flight from Helsinki is going to be on the day before; for I second I thought I wasn't going to make it.

"Komm mal her!" - "Aber ich hab dich gar nicht lieb." - "Ich dich aber trotzdem."

Sexy schmexy (I love saying this at the moment)

Bibiana Beglau as Mephisto in the Faust production at the Residenztheater.

Hitting the jackpot when opening a pint of ice-cream just to find a huge pool of liquid caramel right under the lid.

Seeing how creative some of my students are (I mean, hello, Frenchman, hunter, Santa Claus, rockstar and superhero minions made out of clay? Such great ideas!)

Little pink tulips with round heads and yellow edges. So cute.

Dinner with the Educational Lady Warriors. I mean, Franzi, Elsa and Martina. Finding out that Elsa is pregnant! She showed us her ultrasound picture and you can actually see a tiny human already, with the spine, brain hemispheres, the heart, the limbs... Fascinating.

Receiving a 50€ gift voucher for a book shop after completing a random survey on school questions. AND winning two theatre tickets for Liebesblind at the Pathos. Sweet.

Unsweetened almond milk. It tastes like marzipan!

I noticed that I really like the sinew over my right big toe. I don't have many body parts that aren't soft, which is why I appreciate this one sinew standing out.

I won two tickets to Liebesblind at Pathos and took Franzi with me. The location was pretty great, very Berlin-esque. Afterwards we had some drinks at her place, Ralf and a few of their friends were also there. A pretty nice evening!

My trusted old 2-minute-recipe: couscous with some feta and tomato puree.

I went to a drive-in cinema for the first time and I don't know why I'd never been before, it's AWESOME. You're in your cosy little box, get the audio via radio frequency (since my new car has a BOSE sound system the quality is excellent) AND you can talk throughout the movie!!

This incredible weather. Getting the first pistachio ice-cream of the year at my favourite ice-cream parlour in Schwabing. Seeing everyone sitting in the sun in front of the Glypthothek. And the blossoms on the trees. Munich is so nice in the sunshine.

Having pizza and ice-cream with Lexi, driving on the highway with open windows and extremely amusing German songs blasting (Schnipo Schranke, Von Wegen Lisbeth, Sookee). Drinking beer at the Bilderbuch concert, singing along, mock-arguments with Frank.

Hugging Doris just as long as she can bear it.

The other day my pupils told a colleague that she was beautiful, then they saw me and quickly added: "Oh, you are beautiful, too!" And then they group-hugged me. Adorable, bootlicking little gangsters...

How much fun I can have when I'm layouting tests and worksheets.

#personal #present perfect #things i love #march #2017 #march 2017

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chaoscrystals · 7 years

Text

Every note in my phone 5

My final note before I kill myself I'm not actually going to kill myself. I'm letting the dying parts die. Say goodbye to them. Wow holy shit my whole back just got a wave of feeling. This is it. I know if I don't go for what I want I'm going to lose it. So I'm sharing everything that I have inside. Because I've been wanting to for a long time. For many reasons, some more noble than others. Daqui a pouco to escrevendo nas outras linguas. Hey duke Well, I have to completely go for what I want. You will know what that feels like. I had a dream last night that turned out to be symbolic of what happened today. Its not that hard because your subconscious mind always knows what's going on.I have a considerable amount of magic to my person but ill tell you now I lose things, I have anxiety attacks and a fixation on food and body type, and I'm telling you this because I can't let you think I'm a no faceted perfect lady. Hey lady. Molly plays with my feelings I wonder how many years that could last. As long as Natalie is my friend. Kad thinks I'm a Nazi. That makes me upset. Now I'm thinking about Mikala from midtown west. Dont know why. Cause I'm not a fucking Nazi damn. That's extremely offensive Why are all these thoughts coming into my head? Whups. Lost it again. Sex is sacred but our movies and tv shows over hype it and put ideas in our head. One time I told Jamie I was gay.I actually thought it was true at the time...that's such an awkward thing to explain. I know I don't have to fucking explain myself but I want to because I care that the other person is on the same page as me!! No I miss you too in a weird way I've been wanting to share all my real thoughts for a long time. And now is the only time because the last couple days I have been dangerously close to having a breakdown. I have been crying in the street for 2 days And I also have been wanting to tell everyone what I actually think all the time I think my problem is that I have a habit of thinking about things ruim like I just think about sad shit a lot. And my comfort levels are always unstable Shailesh balla I don't know whose name that is. Shoulda brought my journal but I didn't think I was going to want to write. I want to do something to soothe my worries. My top worries are money, food, having something stolen from me, being raped. Its weird that I'm so worried that someone is going to rape me when I haven't been raped in this lifetime. But I would always get strong images of being raped. Except I was black so it wasn't in this lifetime. I want to soothe my worries telling myself that expecting the worst isn't good for my health. My focus goes rotten sometimes. I have to go to where I want to go to. I'm grateful for what I have. And not in a lame way either. I think I'm most worried that something will be taken from me. Money or whatever. When has that caused my death? Only when I sunk into the sadness and grieving. Grieving for my jewelry. Don't have a choice but to keep going. My grandparents on my moms side were such a huge influence on me throughout my life What is life anyway? We are all here wondering what to do with ourselves. And I can only have these thoughts because I have money I wanna work like Malcolm x did Tryinng to soothe my chronic worrying. Maybe ill find a paradise somewhere. Kalien photograph Deangelo Silva Thais is a sexy name. I'm tired and a little gassy but I'm going to go out anyway to see what the fuss is about. Because I wouldn't be satisfied if I just went to sleep Reflecting on resentment. I can feel this is a strong hook. This is a strong feeling in my body. I resent the cruelty of survival in the midst of civilization built by half asleep beings. My thoughts lead me to duke and this is what I have to say about that. I resent being treated wrongly by him. He treated me wrongly because he was my soul mate and he was supposed to help me and love me through everything I can't have sex!!!!! I hate having sex with people that suck at itI Which is almost everyone I resent everyone because I am so shy it hurts to see people who I connect with sometimes. Something inside of me is very tender and sore and I have been neglecting her. She's not ready to see anyone. I can resent and I do. For. Not being there with his feelings and not being there with mine. But i have to admit its not fair of me to just expect someone to take on all my problems with me. And I know this has something to do with the fact that my mother would throw crying fits at me and I had no idea how to act. Because that's what you do right? You don't say anything to people so they think your nice and then you have an explosive breakdown on whoever gets caught in your shit. Right? Oops Still letting go of my feeling of resentment. I'm a self help queen. Not sorry. Maybe just a little bit. But listen, I'm actually getting somewhere in my emotions. The blocks I have to getting what I want are emotional so if I can move and change my emotional body, I'm set. Sex Everyone sucks at it except for Ursula and mau 90 percent of males I meet think about fucking me That's pathetic Don't you think you're craving a closeness?instead?no? I don't know you its not my business I acho que tó errada I can pretty easily see what I did wrong. But I'm a sad sack and its easy for me to get into self blame. Those thoughts make me really depressed. But I guess it doesn't matter I don't have to have a perfect personality I don't even have to have a personality NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARDS AM I DUKE? Oops I've said so many bitchy things to my friends who I love so much..somebody needs to slap me. I hope they can forgive me. Well we're still friends so... Who the fuck taught me to be afraid of everyone? Walking around feeling like I'm rotting from the inside and I can't trust anyone and yet I want to meet all their eyes and see what's inside. When you're thoughts are just swimming with someone else. Julia, Duke, Kaara Someone who I barely talk to. I'm the pathetic one. It feels good to think that right now...die ego die!!!! So I will begin to close of this meditation. I would like to let go of my resentment. It will be carried away by the strength of the planets. Just saying what I believe. A very powerful tool. I had to re-read what I had written and confront that maybe my focus is terrible because I live in an age full of distractions and sometimes I have to be distracted to avoid major depression and having a fit and getting arrested. Sometimes I want to just break the glasses in the cafes. Or the stores. That urge has been with me for months and I still haven't acted on it. Stay tuned. So if I'm letting go of resentment, I'm letting go of my feeling of entitlement to. I will always give myself the best of what I can. But I cannot live off of taking from other people.I don't want to. Their money or their prana. Sorry Kaara. Half asleep over here. You did it too. I liked your insecurity because I could feel better about myself. And my own insecurity. Someone shut me up nobody wants to hear about my emotions. Oh that thought again. I'm expressing myself not trying to.....be right...but I am I came down to the beach because I thought it would be the best place. I was living in the street for a week. I'm not now we are paying for a room. Its cheaper than anything else but this is such a popular location that its still a fair chunk of money. But its worth it to drink the healing waters (there's a natural fountain of groundwater. Clean and delicious if your gut can handle it. We wanted to leave but I think we were both resisting the healing....me and my friend rua. I'm paying for all of our food (and we're been to restaurants a few times) but its because I know my core beliefs are not in line with me keeping my money for myself. I think I jumped the gun a little here anyway. This is another topic. Dissolve my resentment. Sometimes I was treated wrongly. Sometimes I just felt entitled to get what I want and when whoever couldn't meet my needs, I get upset. Flashes of bring abused in past lives. Nothing I could write today. My collective head gets it but I needed to write for nova, the 3-d being I can't believe I'm missing that show I can't believe it I must be missing out fuck fuck fuck I have to be away I have to be here I am doing good here I am doing good here I just need something in my stomach to settle I need to sleep a little more. Ooohhh if I had some weed and I could sleep a little more id have it made. But I'm shyyyyyy There is a voice in the back of my head asking me to write and to learn new languages. God damn, I think I'm an Artist. After reading some writing by Patti Smith, I feel a little confused and jealous. My writing is so....unprretty specific and not artistic. I want to write something beautiful. If it is beauty I am after...well, I already know what that looks like. I already know who owns beauty. Earth beauty. Eternal beauty Nobody leave me alone. I wouldn't want to be alone anyway. On my own some angel meets me Oh maybe I can write pretty things Write an essay of something Masses of pissed off folk are gonna have something big to say in this life or next just you wait mr big shot. Big gun nuclear ammo. I bet you thought you could stop the art from saving us all. What rennessaince would you try to stop then who are you trying to stop and why don't you love me!? Mister big thing My boyfriend keeps me safe I don't love him but he's good company and when we have to have sex its pretty good I don't think he feels the same way. I think homeboy was looking for a real namorado. Never seen anyone who looked like me. I made a cheese sandwich for my friend and now I want one cause I ate them when I was a kid. I feel like a baby still! Cosmic smoke womb. I don't care, ill take it Bad coffee Oi viado Its not that hard to learn a new language if you think you can do it I have been waiting years to learn about the stars. I always new the universe was a synchronized conglomerate of matter, but coming across systems I can keep record of. Beleza There's a feeling that sometimes overcomes me in my dreams that I'm being choked and can't breathe. These mosquitoes are biting me Somehow I manage to superimpose my fears on reality. Na janela aberta entrou meu convidado da noite, meu inimigo pior e o amor infernal que guardo para me gozar And, choking, I cry out for help. Cry out to whoever can hear me and be here with me. I don't care who I have to hide from myself. Excuse me for a second. My heart saw a pain and took it. Walking around shopping malls My candy heart Left my heart in Mexico City She was bed-ridden like me. But that's beside the point. We were frantic when we met and frantic when you held my hand and I breathed my first sigh of relief there. He loves me. I'm squirming in my seat Left my heart in Mexico City I THINK about YOU STILL but I think its more about me than it ever was about you. Still in Mexico City With its booming economy And great tortillas. All the cars and things that make up a city nowadays I went backpacking and somebody loves me still Left it in Mexico City. Now the reason for me to write The greatest poem I've ever written We were saying goodbye. I said I wanted to stay and I meant it but I didn't think I was going to stay. I have to go to work Still in Mexico City He must have thought I was going to stay I should have stayed. But I was lost in my work and I couldn't find my rights. So I ended up in Brazil with a hurt sciatica nerve and he's still in Mexico City with my heart that I left there And I think about him still but its more about me...right? I am undeserving As the words form my heart (the one that came with me) remains confused I hope you pick up on this and reveal yourself to me. But you don't have to. I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't going to leave. I was always going to leave. Tipo assim. But I just wanted to stay... Left my heart in Mexico City My back is cracking way too much it hurts and this can't be good for me. I want to go home. Wheere is home? My back is stressed out. I'm worried. Worried not looking I don't think I've ever been so offended. I just lost a friend. Telling me about my insufferable privilege. Hiding. I don't want to pay because I can live without money...........and fuck me if its only my privilege that lets me do that and think like that and write like this. I'm going to do it. I understand that I am privileged I feel incredibly guilty like I am not like, worthy of love because I have money But I never tell people that because no one will ever understand! Sad because I have money. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous I should be rejoicing but I'm not I I just want to die and be buried in my 10000 reais and die. Every time I hear the word money I wanna die. Give it all away slowly to people who appreciate it. Rua never hears me. I don't have time for that. I just need to sort out my thoughts A new poem Sugar eaters God again god blessed to have you to have found you Walking down the street in my hometown new york city Walking down the aisles but I'm in my mind Again Blessed are these sugar crystals that feed my teeth eaters we're sugar eaters blessed are these sugar crystals And a calm comes over us A little upset a little unrest its all the sugar eaters eating your teeth. My words are twisted like mind. You have to run around loaning me your time. How lucky I am to have found you. You bring me sweet coffee and I do not resist. The hot sun beats and we refuge in the shade. Our hot Brazil sun but I am walking down the aisles in my mind in my hometown I have money for all the sugar crystals I could ever need. But she doesn't want to have it from me. Blessed are these sugar crystals brought to us by the sugar goddesses, just trying to be sweet. Just trying to be sweet I have all the money I need Try to be sweet I have all the money I need There's something under the surface you're not seeing units swimming under. Your feet and I feel a little bit afraid. That the whole. Thing is going to collapse and crumble under my feet. Or lava will come up of its will and displace all of us Walking around with latent fear There's something under your feet maybe a bug lurking in your belly You're writing because you're a smart girl. You get into a new feeling and slip away quietly. You left. Joker Is jesting Later I saw him crying I had a flash of the future And it didn't come true exactly butt I swear I saw something like it My privilege is a bunch of dead flowers My privilege is rotting fruit More privileged than you for not having the need of water Have to walk miles for water I had to walk about 10 minutes for water and I felt a little bit like a prophet, or something of the sort Live in a house Live in a city In a country where you are not under threat of being bombed Your house could be bombed My privileges are rotting Watch tv Hear about the wars Light up your green and laugh with your friends Until your gut hurts We are friends, I don't want to take it there again My privileges are rotting fruit My journal January 25th 2017 Sitting in my boyfriends bedroom inn araial dajuda. I hope he's watching me. He has been my boyfriend for a few days only. I asked him what he wanted today and he said "I want what you want" my heart just about melted. I knew I liked him because I felt my heart get warm and I knew his lsd was pure, which is rare. And briefly, I am going to write some of the best poetry I have ever written. But not yet. I'm not ready Sometimes it's just not worth it and you have to let it go. But you always speak to the moment and you always try your hardest. And even though I have lice eggs in my hair I know the universe is going to protect me and my problems are going to pass. Write like I have a problem that needs airing out. But I don't have that mood exactly. My systems are more or less okay. Some of the best poetry I have ever written. He is the reason for my poetry. Nothing but a man and he's skinny. Taller than me and I don't think he can defend me. He has a penis and breath like everyone else but he sees energy and he loves seeing energy and neither of us understand it...but we love it and we want to know as much as we can about it. I need to.......oh right He will be the cause of the best poem I ever write. I don't know if I believe that. Money worries have to be let go of. I can't hold on to everything all the time. Universe synchronized. Daily mundane things going about your things and you just notice how good the breeze feels and that you're right by the sea in a beautiful city. Here isn't a good place to eat. My memory with Julia the rock star. Time to write my autobiography. But take it seriously. Make it right. I love my feelings so much I don't feel like I'm done writing. Nobody was really trying to con me that hard. Just trying to amuse themselves at the expense of others feelings. Uh, is that too bleak for you? Get over it. Gentrified vegan crab cakes. Oops. What? She's gonna kill me. I'm afraid and I have poop in my gut I feel it. I'm tired but something is missing. In tired to go to bed with my boyfriend who I just met but I know I love. In my way.too tired to worry His smell is intoxicating. That boy smell. She told me to follow my heart but I think my heart bate papo its not the strongest...but I can feel it. Morre than a lot of people could say. Stuffed some cotton in my underwear because my menstrual blood is releasing. And all this money and packaging. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. Nothing is in the way of me doing something except for me because I'm scared. I'm scared. This place has me held happily as prisoner. I give up. Rob me. Kill me. Not if I get you first. Writing for you writing for you. Nothing is stopping me except my fear and my concept about money I left arraial dajuda and now I want to go back because I was loving it....it was time for me to just take a break....I want to just stay with people who I know are my friends. I want to stay where I feel safe. And I want to kiss guilherme again. Its not fair that I could spend almost 500 reais just to try to get away. Fuck. I am going back because I feel the most happy that way. I don't want to be alone any more.... I don't want to be alone not knowing where the he'll I'm going and these things. If I was here alone and feeling fine....I could bee that person...maybe ... But I would rather just not be alone right now honestly. I don't wanna wait and wait until I feel love again. I want the love I felt already. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and I can't have him anymore...but I know that's not going to happen. Lice and all. I needed to leave. I regretted it pretty quickly Part of me wants to keep traveling forever...and another part wants to go home and be with my family again...or both. I don't know if I want to volunteer with this yogic nun in her biodiversity organic yoga thing. Part of me wants to go home. But I also have an intense interest in this. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to go back and forth. But I don't really wanna stay in the city of brasilia Make up for it. Compensate. Sitting at the bar alone. Like a character in a movie. Waiting on my love to walk in the door. Thinking many of the same things at once. Tired but I know I'm not going anywhere. Its so easy to fight your feelings and write what you didn't want to write something about the universal flow and how it affects you how your stars have been so aligned recently and how they always were bus you just didn't notice. I sit in a state of wonderment and disgust as I am interrupted by a greedy old man with no money making his presence very known to me Just remind yoself help remind your self. I need another distraction to distract me from the pain of needing to eat and needing to steal and depending on millions of other people for my food. I need another distraction. The earth is quickly dying as I see it, but I know people who think otherwise. I should have stayed in Brazil. My friends just want to poison themselves with alcohol and I want to run away with my love but I left him in Brazil. I need to eat For many years I've obsessed over my corporeal form, my body. What it says about me. I can't get out of this.....its my way of dealing with my feelings. Its just in my being but I mean, I'm gonna end up tearing out to shreds I already know. I can't stay here with these demons eating at me. I see real I wish I had someone with me. Makes me feel like I need to eat something. Probably end up a pedophile like my dad Why doesn't anyone understand thoughts and feelings? This is pathetic. I wish I had someone with me I could be screaming but she wouldn't hear. Known her for years I just want to be with her again. No one can stop me if I just show up Its so hard to feel things. Its so hard to actually sense things. This world is set up for profit for invention and for narcissism!! Oh god what did I do I slept with my ex I slept with my ex he's a beacon of truth like me or a liar I don't really know Cause its not that straightforward at all I can't just read mounds so easily as I wish I could but I'm not bad when you compare me to most people. I think that my new haircut suits me . on nahrt okay my own energy reading is a little faulty. . A few days later and unrealized how badly I am conpartmentalizing things I wish I wasn't so emotionally cold but I believe I have to be this way to be an artist...that can't be true. ... Get up and talk to someone but it tires me what's so bad about being tired I can't ignore my bodily needs why does it make you tired because they only like to hear certain things and I have to think about it. Sometimes I write cause i don't know what else to do.. Like now...my head will hurt if I go talk to other people I'm just trying to maintain a high vibration no I'm serious this is town in doing it and I'm not belittling my mission no way I'm not gonna hurt myself I want to maintain a high vibration and sometimes its hard for me to do that when I talk to other people. But I can't let this exclude people from my reality because everyone is worthy of attention and love!!! Everyone is worthy of it and I'm not letting it go for all the money or all the fame in the world everyone's feelings matter sometimes I am the absolute worst when it comes to that. I want to message michael maybe he can distract me from my problems. Everryone does. He is different. He is just the same I knew I felt something strong with him I love his ambition and I want to see it develop and that means staying with him for a bit I want to see his ambition develop his!!I'm starting to think I gotta let go of that whole shit with sam, cause I don't really like being jealous. You know why my head really hurts? Cause I'm letting myself be alone too long . I'm obsessive is what I'm actually trying to say. I'm not sure who you think I am but I don't mind much. I'm not a cool person all I want from you is conversation and cuddles There's this black of my connection like I'm talking to a wall and not to michael I think I'm fucking up I could be talking to myself in various ways. Maybe his souls just close to mines anyway enough that it feels like I'm with myself? I'm aware of the seperateness but I really would rather live in the thought of we are all one soul

#Writing #freewrite

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