#its like im realising how bad it was

[daily-hanamura]

#p4 #p4g #persona 4 #persona 4 golden #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #souyo #(vomits blood) #okay honestly is there even anything to say about this #yosuke is so easy to tease because he plays along so easily #but also his favourite quality in a person is reliability huh? cool. good to know. #oh hey do you think about how in the reverse scenario when hes on the boys side #where he said his ideal gf was someone he could protect #and when yu says yosuke is his ideal bf yosukes gets embarrassed but is like oh well im not too bad looking! and im pretty reliable! #hahaa wow its almost as if yu and yosuke both want someone that they can rely on and someone that would rely on them in turn #if only they both had someone like that. someone they could both trust beyond measure. someone thats an equal. a partner #also shout out to tumblr user aibyoutachi for convincing me that i should play the other side with yosuke sitting with the girls #because ive always sat in the girls seat not realising that sitting in the boys seat meant yosuke would take your place #oh wait that means theyre the only two that are different hahaha PARALLELS OR WHAT #he's good with his queue

[lucreziaborgiagf]

i don’t talk about bridgerton on here but just to clarify. i will not be having ANY eloise hate on this account. i will bite.

#eloise bridgerton they could never make me hate you!! #addressing the normal talking points one by one to get them sorted: #- ​no i don’t care that eloise called pen some names after the discovery. she was devastated and furious. #she can apologise in the future but in the moment of course she said it #- ​yes pen did write about eloise as a way to save her but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t possibly ruined eloise’s life #- similarly: eloise isn’t (just) angry that she was written about. daphne also went through whistledown and it very much terrified her #so have many other women including marina #- eloise is betrayed because she told pen everything and is realising pen told her nothing #(and she’s probably thinking about any secrets she might have said to her best friend that could now be used against the ton and her family) #- as claudio said: being regency gossip girl isnt a moral girlboss thing its deeply harmful tbh #- ​pen did have reasons to become whistledown! that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent or right! #- eloise isnt now friends with cressida to spite pen lmao she’s alone and scared and cressida was the last person who offered her friendship #she has no idea how to manage society by herself #(and she needs someone to improve the reputation of her and her family) #- im also convinced she has other ulterior motives for befriending cressida. like she’s keeping an eye on her or smth #- eloise didn’t just ignore anything pen said and that’s why she only just figured it out. pen deliberately didn’t speak like lw to hide it #the moment she did eloise was like huh that’s weird she doesn’t normally talk like that. and THATS when she figured it out #- eloise just found out her best friend has betrayed her and been hiding this massive secret #but she hasn’t told anyone. not even her own family. im not hearing out any accusations of HER of being disloyal #- also pen clearly wasn’t that upset at writing about eloise bc the moment eloise and colin upset her she went straight back to it lmao #side note but no i don’t think the queen is going to name her the ‘emerald’ or anything because she’s suddenly in the spotlight #eloise is tbh the only debutante she actually consistently recognised (for good or bad) #a new dress is not going to be interesting for charlotte to change her whole tradition #tl;dr i love eloise and i will die on this hill #eloise bridgerton #bridgerton

[feline-evil]

Never gonna be over how unutterably pathetic and in dire need of ANY kind of companionship or friendship that doesn't revolve around their band the entirety of dethklok are. I love these horrible idiots who are so devoid of any real connections outside of themselves that they will latch onto anyone unfortunate enough to get too close to any one of them! And GOD help anyone they latch onto!!

#jay talkin #metalocalypse #im thinking about the doubles episode where they just seem genuinely happy to have 'friends' #who arent like. industry people. these men are so starved of any kind of connection #and it takes them four seasons a rock opera and a movie to realise they can find that in each other lmao #also thinking about how quickly any of them bond and become really intense abt anyone in their life #aka: NATHAN TOWARDS ABIGAIL. oh dear poor abigail oh dear #but also toki to damn near anyone and this goes for the entire band tbh as well they all do this at least once #and yeah its mainly cuz 10min eps mean u gotta progress stuff fast #but also holy shit. charles these boys want friends so bad u gotta set em up on playdates or smth #maybe it'd get some of their dumb stupid idiot energy out and they'd be better behaved. well. no they wldnt but... u can dream #i do think theres smth to be said that yeah all of dethklok are cool theyre metal superstars they r good at what they do #theyre also fucking prophesised saviours too and theyre also incredibly dangerous idiots and terrible ppl #but never forget that they are also. so so SO pathetic and isolated and dysfunctional #these men have not lived in the real world in decades and are disconnected and unsocial and spoilt and u can see that this does impact #the way they interact w the world! they need like. anything other than the band in their lives hah. they do need to pal around #im glad they find that in each other eventually!! #i dont want 2 sound like im babying them or infantilising them these r grown asshole idiot men but like. listen these shitheards r lonelyyy #everyone in their lives is like. assigned to be there and is set as beneath them in a class and workbased system #they dont rlly have ppl who r just there cuz they like em. outside of fans. and fans arent rlly a real connection yknow #their only connections come via work networking sex and violence and worship baby!!!! its fucked up!

[w98pops]

no big updates because i finally got a full-time job, and i have a lot of commissions and trades to draw. BEAR with me here guys 🥱

#fallout #fnv #courier six #oc: wendy #oc: aletus #he was supposed to be a goat but i recently found out that its an acronym for 'greatest of all time' #which he's not #chicken suits him better #ALSO if yall interested #i really like my new job #i was scared but my colleagues are genuinely so nice and the work is fun #i initially left uni because of how fucking alone i was and my untreated autism made me terrified of doing ANYTHING in public #it was. cosmically bad. that bad i fucking left the campus as soon as i could and just came back home 😭 #but now im here and i like my job and my mental health is not declining and im fine :) for the most part #these two semeters in hell were actually useful tho #i realised im asexual + i improved my english #YES for everyone asking YES aletus is a history teacher 😭😭😭

[unlikely-gravestones]

So i saw this post by @avelera (if i had a nickel for every time they’ve inspired a post, i’d have two nickels which....funnily enough is the exact amount that meme requires) and i CANNOT stop thinking about Hob’s first century as an immortal.

I mean surely he thought it was all in jest- his mates were having a right crack of it for the rest of the night, and Hob knew it well himself that no man escapes death; he would fight to live as long as he could in this world, experience everything he could, and when his time came he would simply find adventure elsewhere. Hob couldn’t have seriously believed Dream; he was just a nobleman with an odd sense of humour. And so what if he knew Hob’s name? Everyone in this pub knew his name, much like he did theirs, so he probably just asked.

I wonder if it remained a bit of an inside joke between Hob and his friends- when he gets injured in a fight and is laid up in bed, one of his friends says “You can’t die, remember? Got that meeting with some posh prick in 1489, what good’ll you be dead” and Hob sees it for what it is (a distraction) and plays along with a grin. Anytime he joins a new battle, its “Do prior engagements mean nothing to you, Robert Gadling?“ As said by his mate with a ridiculous put-on posh accent, “Your good man’ll be right cross when you ditch him in 1489 cause you got killed fighting for this bastard”. When Hob gets hit, its “I’ll be meeting him in 1489 at this rate! To tell him you got fucking done in, you knob-”

It might have been fun, at first. But as Hob’s friends started dropping dead around him- war, disease, killed in the streets for some gold- i think it stopped being a joke. Because now Hob was walking away from fights no else did. Now he was recovering from diseases within the week, where others were still thrashing in its grasp or going cold and still in the night. Its not enough to make him question his mortality, but it is enough to make him think he’s unnaturally lucky. Maybe he’s done something to please the gods recently, or maybe fortune was smiling down upon him for once. He could not bear it all with good-nature, because despite how fortune or luck or even the gods themselves seemed to look favourably upon him, their grace did not extend to his friends and he is still conscious of their loss.

But Hob Gadling appears to be one lucky bastard, and that’s that.

...until it isn’t.

Maybe Hob accidentally builds up a local reputation about being a reliable soldier- no matter who it is, or how many of them there are, Hob survives. I think maybe he’s died a few times by now, but he doesn’t know that- his throat was slashed by an enemy sword, and he died right there on the battlefield the moment his knees hit the dirt, but the fight lasted so long that by the time Hob woke up, gasping and grasping at his blood-covered neck, the gash which had nearly beheaded him was instead a shallow but still bleeding wound. Later he would settle on the idea that the cut hadn’t been as bad as he thought it was- why he passed out from such a wound is beyond him, but maybe it was from shock, he heard that it did that to people sometimes. Someone trying to slit your throat is different to someone slicing your arm, so even though hes still unsettled by it and sure that the wound was worse...he can’t argue with the actual wound on his body, which points to the contrary. This is probably not the first and definitely not the last time Hob dies.

So yeah, maybe he accidentally builds up a local reputation about being a reliable fighter because he simply can’t stop surviving. And its not that hes unharmed- he gets stabbed, sliced, beaten, etc. He can be out of it for days depending on the severity of his wounds or illness, but he always gets back up. And maybe eventually, as most stories go involving ageless immortals, people go from being surprised by his abilities and age, to suspicious. Hob himself took passing note of it a while ago- he thought his hair would long since be grey by now, or at least most of it would, but it isn’t. When he goes for a drink with the remaining friends he has, he notices that his hands aren’t wrinkled like theirs. Hobs hands are calloused and rough, yes, but not aged like they ought to be. He thinks its strange, of course he does, but soon he’s too smashed to think of it anymore.

How many comments does it take about his age before Hob starts to close himself off? How many times must surprise turn to suspicion, because Hob says hes in his 50′s but he still looks like he’s in his mid 30′s? How many years does it take before Hob hastily fakes his first death/disappearance, because now the people he grew up with are intensely aware of how young Hob looks compared to them- its unnatural, unusual, and for a medieval peasant, probably has something to do with the devil. And i think it would be different to the witch trials Hob would later experience in the 17th century, where the whole town was after him because he became ‘complacent’- this isnt Hob being complacent, this is Hob freaking the fuck out. This is Hob not knowing how to deal with the fact that he’s not aging like he should be- of course he thinks its fucking weird (great, but weird), of course he thinks its fucking CRAZY that hes been in so many battles, been wounded and sick so many times, and yet has always come out the other side. Of course he thinks its fucking strange but he doesn’t know whats going on so he’s just..he’s just going to keep going, because what else can he do? and it isn’t until things get a little too heated that Hob turns tail and ditches town with a half formed plan and the cover of darkness.

I wonder how long it takes him to come to terms with his immortality- does he throw himself into more dangerous situations with an “Either i’m right or it wont matter cause ill be dead” attitude? Is he seriously fucking spooked by it for a few years before the dawning realisation of lifes now limitless possibilities hits him? Does Hob think of that noble stranger in 1389 often, at first with mirth and amusement because that tosser knew exactly what he was saying when he said they’d meet again in 100 years; and then does Hob think of it with growing worry and stress, because...what exactly did he give up for this power? what has he yet to give up for it? Maybe his town was right- he’d heard the whispers, part of why he hauled ass to get out of there- maybe he had made a deal with the devil, or a demon. Perhaps, when Hob is more hopeful, he prays he struck a deal with a saint or an angel.

Dream is neither of those things, but medieval peasant Hob doesn’t know that.

Anyway. Yeah I’m having thoughts about what it must have been like for one Hob Gadling to discover his immortality. I mean, using the show as a frame of reference, Hobs taken to it pretty well- in avelera’s original post we know, and can discuss, the fact that Hob seems weary at their first centennial meeting in 1489. He doesn’t know what this stranger wants from him, doesn’t know if he unwittingly agreed to a deal back in 1389 that he now has to make good on. But when Dream tells him that he simply wants to hear of his life, wants to hear what its like being a mortal-turned-immortal in a world Dream so clearly (at the time) holds little regard for...Hob is just Hob about it all. Dream thinks he’s going to say something profound, or wish for death, but instead my man started going on about how great chimneys and card games are. It makes me even more interested in what it must have been like for him to discover his gift- the highs of being able to live life freely, of realising that should that stranger be merciful and grant him more time on earth, he could experience everything under the sun for decades- Hob seems so innately positive, i mean his whole thing is that there’s always more to do and always greener grass to chase. This must be such a contrast to the lows of watching your friends and family die when you don’t, to being watched by your own town for a deal you now realise may not have been in jest at all, to stressing about what exactly you will be asked to give in 1489.

Im. Having thoughts.

#besties ive been hitting you with so many long posts recently im sorry #but im also not bc y'all eat it up and i am very thankful #but i feel so bad #im gonna put a cut somewhere so u dont have to scroll 30000 times to get through it #anyway #yeah #i just think its interesting bc Hob seems to take to immortality v well #and hes such a charismatic character that i wonder how he dealt with it at first #just the slow realisation that something is wrong #but its not wrong enough for you to seriously think about it and no ones noticed yet #like it literally would have taken Hob years to realise something was amiss #hob doesn't just KNOW he has immortality its something he discovers during a lifetime he shouldnt have #like at what point do you go This is Ridiculous #please scream at me about this im having thoughts and u need to have them too #sandman #dream of the endless #hob gadling #dreamling #sandman meta #morpheus #the sandman netflix

[sunblazes]

I could talk for a whillee abt how good I think family in flames was in fh s1

#i.really love the jail scenes. perfect mixture of funny escape scenes #and inncrredible scenes with the parents. #i think fig and sandralynn at this time are so interesting how fig rejects her reaching out and how sandralynn looked just like fig when she #was younger... the clear sadness of sandralynn that fig pushes her away again. the blame fig puts on her for gorthalax leaving #SOOO GOOD #amd then the fabian and bill scene BROTHER..... #i fucking LOVE that scene and what i love so much is they never get a chance to even talk abt it before hes killed #bc bill starts the fight but fabian finishes it its all fabians frustration and i reallylike when bill tries to get up after fabian stops #and fabian just beats him fown again LOVE IT SO BAD people do not talk abt it enough #and like thats only the prison scenes. the scene where adaine finds out shes the oracle is sooo good and WHERE THEY FINF OUT GOLDENHOARD god #ITS SO GOODDD the reveal is so crazy good #AND THEN THEEEE FJCJVNGJ. THE ATTACKS ON THE HOUSES. its genuinely so fucking stressful they need to do more shit like that i rememeber #shitting myself watcjing it likeee #fabians scenes CRAZY going for his mother and his fatehr dies #EMILY FIRST TIME CRYING ON D20 AND IT WAS SO GOOD her and her mommmmm..... she realises how shes just a personnn...oh i feel ill #figs reluctance tk go to the faeth house at all.Ugh.UGHHHH #RIZ FINDINNG OUT ABT HIS DADDDD oh my lorddd #anywayUmm to anyone who read this..im so sorry i love to talk

[oifaaa]

Random tangent: I don’t think Jason would internationally hurt people around Bruce to get at Bruce. I feel like at most they’d be collateral damage. Idk I’m relying heavily on my flawed memory of utrh for this tho. His interactions with Dick there was too minimal for me to get a proper read on him.

I feel like this is one of those up to interpretation type deals where I firmly believe he would considering how he reacted to seeing Bludhaven get destroyed - he was way more concerned with using it as an opportunity to hurt Bruce then showing one ounce of care if Dick was alive or not - as well as the interaction he had earlier with oynx - I'm gonna go on my own wee tangent opps so heres the thing I think people misunderstand about Jason he a ends justify the means type guy and people get confused bc of that line he says to Bruce later when he's says smth like "I'm not talking about two face or riddler just joker" but the thing is he was talking about Bruce only having to kill the Joker not himself - Jason has already shown multiple times by that point that he is willing to kill a lot of people if he thinks that they will justify his ends - that includes killing henchmen and lower criminals and its not like he's finding out everything about everyone who gets in his way to see if they deserve to die no Jason is more violent then a lot of people seem to be willing to admit and he's willing to own up to that violence bc to him it's justified and to try and get back to the actual point (sorry anon about that) Jason's means justify the ends thing also means he doesn't mind hurting dick or oynx unnecessarily to antagonise Bruce

#ask #anon #like i said tho #this is one of those #its up for interpretation #like i firmly believe that jason is more willing to use violence against those close to bruce to hurt bruce #but i understand why people may disagree #its the same with the whole #did Jason actually expect or want bruce to kill the joker #im firmly in the no side #i do think people need to realise just how violent jason is #like before he died #hed probably be closer to how people think he is #he thought that it was okay for a select few to die #but they had to be scum of the earth bad #now hes a wee bit more flexible

[imflyingfish]

This isnt a crazy statement but i still think that there should be better diversity on the life series. I mean specifically there should be more woman creators and creators who are poc.

Like 3rd life had ONE woman!!! WHAT THE FUCK?

Theres only ever been TWO non-white members of the life series! What????

Only 4/17 of the secret life members are women! Thats like 4 and a bit men for every woman! THIS IS THE SEASON WITH THE MOST WOMEN????

Like i know the gaming space is a bit messed up on this front but like cmon....

I dont think that the life series is like. Intrinsically bad or anything, but it would be cool if Grian/the team and such could take notice of these facts and help to change the server just a bit more.

#trafficblr #traffic smp #okay originally this post was only going to be about women and then i realised also how messed up it is that theres only two black #people on the server #fuck i dont even make posts like this like. ever. #but i feel like it would be really you know. COOL to get some more diversity in this particular minecraft gaming sphere especially #idk im trying to increase the diversity in the last couple of months in what i watch and listen to since i realise that its not good enough #and i realised these facts and im like. shit this isnt just like a me thing this is deep in our fandom #same goes with most minecraft series #heck i watched a random up-and-coming minecraft youtubers video today on a competition server. #not a single woman???? really??? #hey maybe if theres enough backing it would be worth like. sending an email or something idk #so long as people are polite about it ig #idk ive never really talked about this stuff before but its been bothering me #grian #grian critical #also sorry if my maths is just totally wrong idkim bad at it

[sleepy-stitches]

oh well. play the tiles that im given

#started playing mahjong on tenhou (supplementary as i read riichi book one) #and oh fucking god i didnt realise how reliant i was on the arabic numerals until they were gone #like i know enough to recognise all of the tiles but its not something i can really do Super Fast #which is a thing that i have to learn. among everything else that i have to learn to be better at this game #but that is a task for another day for now im gonna play a real bad match in mahjsoul and watch an episode of hannibal #just for fun. miss that show #(not just for fun. secret third reason) #original post placeholder tag #tile tuesday

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

noooo you can let me describe the doctors body trust me i totally wont be weird about it this time

#me explaining why the doctor is hot: well theyre old enough to be my messiah so jot that down #also a body thats died many times #me opening the powerpoint: so before we begin hands up how many of you have spent more time than you should thinking abt jesus' body #church was like and this is body of christ and me being 7 and autistic took that in every way they DIDNT mean #anyway sorry yaz not sure what exactly the sin is here but im pretty sure uhhh it is one #its usually the master doing this #but yaz is taking the masters place in this fic so #that tracks i guess #gonna have to figure out how to take the pronouns out of this too #also look at the third person/second person flipflopping #i do that kind of a lot but i realised in this paragraph maybe thats because..........there isnt a third person imperative uhh mode? #is that a mode we call that idk #there ISNT a third person imperative right? thats just second person? #i think so #but its interesting bc thats like the main way my narration flipflops #idk if thats like bad. bad writer habit or whatever #if it is i dont really care #it doesnt bother ME so #idk if it bothers anyone else #one time i had a fun paragraph in the doctors pov where it went from its standard 3rd to 2nd to 1st. 1st plural i think #and then Back to 3rd distance yourself from yourself dont get too close #anyway

[trossibop]

hello so daily complaint about the religious sisters owning the student residence who are condescending and mean for no reason at all which makes the whole place unbearable to live in

#they come up with rules every other day just so that they can belittle us instead of politely saying what we did wrong 😭😭😭 #also they seem to enjoy not telling us these “”rules“” so that they can yell at us when we break them even if we werent aware of them😍😍 #2 of them are actually very sweet but i never see them. its always the 2 other real bullies who dont realise how dishonest they are #treating us like evil idiots all the time👍👍👍 #WHAT IF i WAS NOT putting my boxes on top of the shelf JUST to piss you off??(were not allowed to put boxes on top of shelves apparently.) #like gurl chill its not that deep.. #anyways its been pissing me off for 3 months now so thought id share😻😻 #and mind you i am catholic so im very mad that THESE WOMEN are giving all the nice sisters some bad rep..

[assmaster-8000]

why don't clothes fit me the way they do on a skinny cis guy (<- isn't a skinny cis guy)

#being trans masc is so frustrating because i forget i got the level 1000 gyatt #go forth and find a beautiful trans woman bodily curves of mine #i have so many cool pants that would give away im kweer if i wore them not because they're from alt fashion subcultures #but because my ass and thighs and hips are too femme apparently?!?!? #when will people stop associating allat with women or something #my cis male friends have the biggest fucking asses for some reason AND THEY KEEP ON TWERKING INFRONT OF ME WHEN IM MINDING MY BUSINESS #no but *im* the female and a girl apparently #i wanna go out in tight fitting clothes until i realise i actually have a female body like whatttt #ain't that crazy #im not saying those bodily attributes are inherently femme or indicators of being a girl or a female cause just. no #im just saying that many people think that way #and it's hard trying to be perceived as masc while trying to dress the way i want to #'why do you care about how others perceive you?' because being perceived as a girl makes me feel bad like what #its different from your personality being perceived differently #im aware my gender is something i define but i can also want others to perceive me as a guy too #i cant change the minds of everybody but in the end i still am a masc identifying person and i want people to easily identify me as one #transphobes and people who blatantly refuse to perceive me as one is something else entirely #and if adhering to the binary gender norms is how i can be validated in my gender then so be it #because gender is a social construct and mine is affirmed and solidified through social interaction #other trans people wont do what i do. others do. that's fine. gnc trans people are fucking sick /pos #but unfortunately i do not have it in me to NOT care about how others perceive my gender #because it matters a lot to me and being perceived as a girl hurts

[early-october-skies]

Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

#lizzierants #had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly #caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because #theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry #that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing #good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me #someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with #my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am #overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back #this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf #i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec #ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help #and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here #most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much #anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking #terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine #is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because #they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate #this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start #crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3 #i will heal and ill be okay <3

[widevibratobitch]

my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're #*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :(((( #no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying #in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3 #anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast #was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer #and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest. #earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went #*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫' #and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical #like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs #and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs #but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit #let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3 #and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down #the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me #if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like #the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures #like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh #like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall #not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me #trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :))))))) #like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks #But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333 #like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj #you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33 #but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday #but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!

[hella1975]

by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!! #like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha) #is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress) #and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us) #whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

[smithsparker]

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#man . i hadnt realised how long it had been since i cried like that . Ow #sorry for . being sad on main so often these past 2 days i just #the loneliness never fucking leaves huh . jesus . i understand the meaning of soulcrushing rn . my chest hurts #need to try to not get stuck in this feeling but my god it's so hard . it's so fucking hard . god i'm so lonely #and the worst thing is i'm actually not !!! i have wonderful friends both irl and online . god i love yall so fucking much #but man . high school fucked me up BADDDDD #what the fuck ever . im allowing myself 10 more minutes of this and then im gonna watch a funny youtube video and then im gonna write . #or go to sleep . at 9pm its fine #auhg . sorry if u read this far . im Alright i just . bad brain day #and the only way to get it out is to post it on here . rip #sas.txt