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mychemicalaromanticism · 3 years

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things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

#cat talks #lore #ok2rb but what a mess this post is

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floradevereaux · 6 years

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Shoveling Feelings || Dani/Flora

Who: Dani & Flora When: August 8th-9th, 2018 Where: Convenience Store/Flora’s Home Summary: Flora and Dani run into each other at a convenience store, grabbing snacks for a late night snack fest. They decided to enjoy a night of Food, Music, and accidental feels. Warnings: A lot of triggering things mentioned in this para; Mentions of Domestic Abuse, abuse, religion, drugs, alcohol, depression, food.

Flora was mentally exhausted after those questions, she thought it would be better to get them out- she was wrong. She felt so much worse and she didn’t know how to shake the feelings she was currently in the middle of. Closing the Tumblr tab, she walked over to the freezer and opened it, “Great,” she was out of ice cream,” Sighing she walked to her snack cabinet and found it was also bare. “Double damn,” She debated on just sleeping but decided against it, her brain wouldn’t shut off even if she wanted it to. “Okay, store it is.” It took her about fifteen minutes to find her keys, they were hidden under the mail. Locking up, she got into the car and drove off to the closest 24hr mart.

Dani was seriously turning into a full blown insomniac. While normally sleeping on a couch was preferred, the damage it was doing to her body when she managed to sleep made it almost worth the nightmares that came with sleeping in a bed. However, this particular night was restless, no matter where she tried to sleep. If she’d been in New York she would have found a bar. However, in Lima, this was probably not in her favor, mostly because she wasn’t even sure where one was, nor how she’d get back. Grabbing her pocket knife from where it was buried in her suitcase, she slipped on her boots and a hoodie. Even with the heat it made her feel more comfortable about the fact she was about to walk to a store in the middle of the night for no other reason than to get away from her own head.

Arriving at the nearest 24hr mart she stuffed the knife deep in her pocket and flipped the hood down on her hoodie, running a hand through her hair. She wasn’t sure what her plans were but she needed something that would take the edge off, whether it was sweets or alcohol or cheese, it didn’t entirely matter anyone. Singing quietly to herself, the only real way she was staying sane, running lines of the song she’d been writing on repeat trying to get them to flow the right way, she made her way down an aisle, eyes scanning the shelves blankly.

Flora pulled into the parking lot of the mart, getting as close to the door as she could. Not many people were here this late but the usual, a few night shift guys and the assorted customers that also worked nights from the superstore across the street. The guy behind the counter smiled when Flora walked in, giving her a wave. “Hi, Pete,” She made her way to her usual isle, grabbing her favorite cookies, snacks, and plopped them in the little arm basket. “Hello, double chocolate fudge-” She needed an extra rich experience and that meant chocolate on chocolate. She made her way around the store, seeing if she needed anything else. She was half paying attention when she bumped right into a person, “I’m sorry, I was- Dani?”

Dani had managed to grab very little of anything, instead using it as an opportunity to think than actually consider getting anything. She had grabbed some cookies, or more like three different kinds, and a box of Swiss Rolls. So, chocolate was the name of the game, apparently, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. She had headed into the cracker aisle cause she seriously wanted Goldfish and maybe she’d pick up saltines to go with peanut butter. At some point she’d managed to zone out that even she didn’t see the woman that bumped into her. Instinctively, her hand reached into her pocket, blinking a few times when she heard her own name. Looking at the woman she tilted her head. “Flora?” Flora couldn’t believe it, Dani was here and in Lima- what were the odds? She let a smile break on her face and tilted her head with Dani before straightening her neck out. She put her basket down and looked to her right, grabbing a box of Cheese-itz and smiled. “And the very last box of pepperjack, lucky me.” She dropped it into the basket. “So this is where you were dragged off too.” It was good to see Dani in person, so far they had only interacted over the internet. “Another sleepless night by the look of your haul?”

Dani shook her head, laughing a bit at Flora’s response to the box of Cheese-Itz. “See, I like the white cheddar ones.” She commented, actually grabbing a box, she might as well. When looking to eat your feelings it was best to have a variety. “Yeah, something like that. When your best friend is scared you won’t stay safe if left alone, you get brought places.” Dani tried to joke, but it was half hearted and almost sad. “Yeah, something like that. You too?”

Flora nodded, “White cheddar are my second favorite,” Flora knew about having friends that worried, she was glad Dani had someone to care about her. “I have a few friends like that, they practically drag me out of the house. And yes, my brain is on full steam ahead. Two cats just rootin’ around in my head and causing chaos.” She took a breath and decided anymore time spent in this aisle she might buy more. “Didn’t see many cars out there, did you walk here?”

Dani laughed at Flora’s comparison. “I feel that. The hamster that runs my brain has taken off and hired a cat that only runs if someone isn’t paying attention to it. Which is horrible when you want to get things done. Like sleep.” She sighed a bit. “Yeah. We flew in from New York so I’m kinda without car access. The walk does me good, usually, so it’s not like I mind, but it ain’t the best thing to be doin in an unfamiliar town.” Dani knew it was dangerous. She knew it was probably on the list of stupidest things she’d ever done and she’d gotten on a roof while drunk, holding fireworks. Part of her blamed the depression, her lack of care for her own state of being. The rest of her didn’t care.

Flora nodded at Dani’s own comparison and chuckled, “Well it is certainly not safe for you to be walking around here at night. I live close by, why don’t you come over and we can have a feast? You can even crash there if you’d like, if not I can give you a ride back to your friends place?” She did not like the idea of Dani walking back the dimly lit streets, or sometimes not lit streets of Lima. Bars would be letting out soon and that is when all the crazies would be on the road. “I got a guest room and everything, get yourself a comfy bed for the night?” She shrugged.

Dani smiled a bit a Flora. “That’s what the knife in my pocket is for and I certainly know how to use it, but I’d rather not and walkin back with my hands full…” She sighed a bit, not sure what her answer actually was. It’d been a long time since she’d actually slept in a bed, properly. Even months before she left Mississippi for good she’d slept on the couch in her own home, not wanting to be plagued by the memory of Angela on her and next to her. Shaking her head a bit, she realized she’d almost ended up in a darker place than she already was. “That would be nice, get away for a bit, have some company that gets where my brain gets off too. Maybe run this song runnin my head with you.” She nodded a bit.

Flora could see that Dani’s brain was running, she let her process and was glad when Dani didn’t need to be pulled back out. “Great, come on,” She grabbed her basket and led them both up to the counter. “Give me two number seven’s tonight, Pete, I’m feeling lucky.” The kid laughed and grabbed the scratch tickets and place them on the counter. While Pete rang up everything she scratched.

It was good she wouldn’t be alone tonight, she would only get lost in her own thoughts. It was way too late to call Iris or Nancy and Judy was still in New York with Quinn. “I won ten,” She grinned and nodded, “I think Dani is my good luck charm, first time I won since moving here.”

Dani smiled a bit and followed Flora to the front, laughing a bit as the woman made the comment about Dani being a good luck charm. It was weird, the idea of going home with this woman she barely knew but also knowing far more about her than one would think. “It’s that southern woman thing, we’re more powerful together.” She said with a wink as she set her small collection of things on the counter. Once she paid, she turned to Flora. “We ready?”

Flora chuckled and grabbed her bags, “I like the sound of that,” She headed for the door and nodded, “Let’s get out of here, have a good night Pete.” She held the door open for Dani before walking over to the backseat and opening it, putting the junk food on the floor. Getting into the driver seat she buckled up, “Safety first,” She wouldn’t be moving the car until all buckles were in place. She started the car to get the air going before opening a bottle of water she bought. Once Dani was buckled, she took off towards her house.

Pulling into the driveway, she smiled over at Dani. “Home sweet home,” It wasn’t a bad little house, it wasn’t fancy or anything like her home in Louisiana but it was just right for her. “I actually cleaned up a bit, so-” She unlocked the door and flicked on the light.

Dani nodded a bit, following Flora out after bidding the young man a good night. She got in the car and smiled a bit. It’d been so long since she’d heard someone tell er to buckle up. It was such a mother thing, wasn’t it? That level of care. She buckled up, leaning her head against the window, watching the world pass by.

When they arrived, Dani couldn’t help but smile. Looking up at the house she nodded a bit. It reminded her of the house she’d rented in Mississippi. Simple and homey. She liked it. “I certainly feel special, then.” She laughed a little, fully sincere in her statement. Dani knew what it was like to not want to clean up. To not do anything. “Not that I’d mind a messy home, of course.”

Flora brought her things into the kitchen, making sure the ice cream got inside the freezer. “Well you would have loved it yesterday, especially before I picked up the cake wrappers all over the place.” She normally ate right out of the tub and she wondered if Dani did the same? She put the rest of her snacks out on the coffee table and went back into the kitchen to grab her ice cream. “Little shovel or big shovel?” She smirked and tapped the draw where the spoons were in.

Dani smiled, laughing a bit. “Can’t beat the time I’d been stress cooking and my kitchen and dining room looked like my flour canister exploded multiple times and I was finding flour everywhere for weeks. Almost worse than the time I made glitter packages to drop off for people I was angry at.” Both events had actually taken place in the same month and Dani was honestly surprised she wasn’t still finding glitter, though exploded flour was a lot more common. She followed Flora into the kitchen and grinned. “Why in the hell would anyone use a small one? Are we eating feelings or are we pretending to be ladies? Cause you can’t eat feelings in small doses. It don’t work.”

Flora couldn’t believe it, “How on earth did you manage to get flour everywhere? I mean that happened once to me but it was the dogs fault. Bruce got excited, knocked into me and the bowl of flour, egg, and butter went all over. Spooked him and he was running off like his butt was on fire.” She chuckled and grabbed two big spoons from the draw. She handed one off to Dani and took the container of ice cream to the couch. “Some days I use little spoons with big spoon sized bites- depends on if the dishes were done.” Flora opened the container and used the spoon to scrape the lid.

Dani laughed a bit but then sighed. “The reason I was stress cookin showed up, drunk off her ass. Twice.” That’s when it had been bad. A long weekend, which wasn’t unusual for Angela to get trashed during, but Dani had been avoiding her. Phone turned off, music up, doing everything she could to ignore the world and the situation she’d gotten herself into. Cooking was easiest and there was reason to be doing so much, but maybe not as much reason as Dani had wanted. Angela had shown up that Friday evening, angry at Dani for one thing for another, like she always was by that point. That’s when the dining room met its match with the flour. Sunday would see the kitchen. Shaking her head, Dani accepted the spoon and followed Flora to the couch. She really hoped she could get out of her head, because it honestly was too dark a place to be at times. “Only acceptable reason to be eatin ones feelings with a small spoon.” Dani said as she pulled her feet up under her on the couch with her ice cream.

Flora wondered what exactly happened but she figure Dani didn’t want to relive it. No one wants to relive those dark times, she could relate. She turned to face Dani and dug into her ice cream, “Mmm, just what I needed.” She ate a few more bites, wondering what kind of conversations they should have? She didn’t want to be pushy, she didn’t want to force conversation. They were both in the same situation, yet two different people. Flora had been stuck in her situation for twenty-five years, she met Russell before she was even eighteen. They dated secretly but being good christians, nothing ever came out of it. They just took walks, got ice cream, shared stories- so many lies he told. “What kind did you get?” She snapped herself out it and smiled over at Dani.

Dani took a bite of her ice cream as she sat there, not really sure what was going to come of this night. The older woman knew her pain. They shared similar yet very different stories. The fact they were two southern women who’d ended up in abusive relationships was odd as it were. Them having found each other online and ended up in the same place? It just seemed like fate. Much like Abel moving into her old apartment. Or Drew somehow finding her tumblr and mentioning writing a song about their parents, if you wanted to call them such, while she actually was writing a song about their parents. “Tonight Dough. I needed the extra cookie dough over my usual Half-Baked. Yourself?”

Flora enjoyed cookie dough on every other given night but tonight she needed to drown her sorrows in a chocolate haze. “Chocolate ice cream, with chocolate swirls and brownie pieces. This is the heavy duty decadence I needed. The storm up here,” She pointed to her head and then pointed to her stomach. “And the storm brewing in here, I’m counting the years til menopause.” She took another bite of her ice cream, which would eventually turn into soup if she didn’t continue to devour it. Which she liked about half way, that way she could just drink it. “You know, I never ate a lot of sweets like this. Besides the home baked kind of sweets but I had those in moderation.” Her face fell slightly, “A proper lady always watches her figure.” and with annoyance she took another bite.

Dani nodded a bit as Flora spoke, emphasizing the motion by also shaking her spoon a bit. “Excellent choice. If chocolate, WD-40, or duct tape can’t fix it, hope and pray booze, music, or a home cooked meal can. After that… you probably need professional help of some kind.” She said with a half laugh and a shrug. At Flora’s statement, Dani rolled her eyes. “A lady doesn’t talk back Danielle, how are you ever going to find a husband with an attitude like that,” she mimicked her mother’s voice the best she could remember it, disgusted look on her face as she took another bite of ice cream. “Guess I was never meant to be a proper lady, now was I?” She laughed a bit.

Flora was told since she was a child just how a lady should be. It was easy for her to follow because it was all she ever knew, she never knew any other way. “Even as a child I was expected to act like a lady, it never bothered me- because I knew that was expected. My dad wanted me and my sister to be ladies but he wasn’t cruel about it. He let me and my sister run around the farm as kids, get our hands dirty if we wanted too. However, church was proper time and we had to be our best.” Flora loved her dad but he was just as old school as his dad, it seemed to continue. However, he loved his kids and didn’t raise his hand- not unless he had too. He never hit Flora or Rosie but he was rough with her brothers when they weren’t acting as men should. “I remember some of the parents from the church, they were hard on their kids. The slightest noise made or a single sign of boredom, they would get taken to the back and paddled. Those kids grew up to be assholes-” She clapped her hand over her mouth and sighed, “well seems you also bring out the cussin’ in me too- not just the luck.” She chuckled.

Dani nodded a bit as Flora spoke, that she understood, she’d just never been good at following rules. “I was expected to, but I rarely did. I was good at breakin rules, not followin them. Mother was the one you had to look out for, most of the time. Father was a strong hand when needed, but mother had a tongue on her. Said things a certain way, y’know? Guess it’s where Drew and I got it from.” Dani could remember the verbal lashings she’d gotten as a child. They were far more numerous than the physical ones, though those happened too. She’d been surprised when her parents put her into roller derby. It was a violent sport and far from wholesome sport. Drew was a football star, your all American guy, really. Then you had Dani. Perhaps by that point they’d simply give up trying to control her, she’d never actually know. A smirk crossed her face at Flora cussing. “I mean, you ain’t wrong, though. It wasn’t as common, but there were definitely those around. Just goes to show that it ain’t the best method of punishment.” She shrugged. “What kinda church you grow up in?”

Flora couldn’t imagine the emotional abuse that Dani suffered. What was worse, it came from the two people who were supposed to protect her. Parents should protect not destroy, “Must have been hard for you, having your parents talk to you that way?” She leaned against the couch, her spoon swirling the now chocolate soup in her container. “A Baptist church that was run out of a pastor's house, he might have been a fake for all my family knew. When the congregation grew, we moved with them out to Shreveport from New Orleans. They had rules, strict rules, every family needed to follow. My family eventually switches churches and I never asked why.”

Dani shrugged. “I mean, I gave it just as much as I got it. I’m still convinced Drew and I had all’a Houston convinced we actually hated each other. But, in a way I didn’t realize how bad it all was until Angela. When I’d let her say stuff to me and everyone looked at me like I shoulda been runnin for the hills.” It was true. While her and her brother had used it as a coping strategy, keep people from realizing how close they were, given their parents favor, as an adult, especially with Angela, she’d resorted back. To firing off at the mouth whenever it was done to her but never leaving. Never quite standing up for herself. It was a game. How far below the belt could you land a blow. Except with Angela the support in private never came, like it had with her older brother. No, in private was the physical. The punches, the sex, alcohol and drugs. “Y’know, I always wondered if there existed other churches people actually went to that weren’t Baptist in the south. Like, I’m sure they exist, I’ve seen ‘em, but almost every southerner I know was raised Baptist.” Dani shook her head a bit, chuckling.

Flora’s spoon was long forgotten at this point, she was just sipping out of the carton now. “Doesn’t mean it was right, you shouldn’t have to fight back like that. No against anyone,” She tapped Dani’s knee, much like she would do with her own kids. “This Angela certainly sounds like bad news to me, I’m glad you got away from her.” Just what she heard from Dani, she never wanted to meet this Angela person- she sounded worse than Russell. “Russell always acted so nice in front of others, putting up this fake persona. Everyone thought he was the perfect husband, loving, but quite the opposite. He always had a drink in his hand, no matter the time of day- unless we were at church. Soon as we got home, he would expect a drink and I would have no choice but to serve him.” She sighed and took another long drink from her chocolate soup ice cream. Flora smiled when Dani joked about everyone in the south being baptist, “It certainly seemed like the more popular option.”

Dani had somehow managed to eat a good 90% of the carton before it became too melted and had also taken to sipping it out of the container. “Nah, I know. I look back sometimes and wonder what my relationship with my older brother woulda been like if we hadn’t been so… I guess the word is antagonistic towards each other in public, but… it never feels right.” She shrugged a bit, her bottom lip getting caught between her teeth at the tap to her knee. It was odd. For the last seven years she’d been alone, no real parents to speak off, and even as a child she’d never had their favor. The way Flora was acting, it ached in the same way interacting with Abel’s parents did. Like she’d been missing something. “She certainly was. After Santana goin back to Brittany, I was lookin for somethin, I don’t know what, but I thought I’d found it in her. Thought I’d found the woman I’d marry, spend the rest of my life with. Glad I never got that far.” She sighed a bit, listening to Flora speak. “That’s the ‘good Christian man’ in him,” she said, using air quotes. “A stained glass masquerade, but the worst kind.” Dani finished off the carton and stuck the lid back on it. She settled a little further back on the couch, moving so her knees were up to her chest, arms resting on her knees. “I feel like it was the whole thing about separation, y’know? Like, I could remember I went to this church camp and it was on a college campus and there was a line down the middle of the road you couldn’t cross past a certain hour. There was no dancing. I mean… it was, I don’t even have words for it. ‘Cept that was also where I realized I was gay.”

Flora could relate about church and separation, because it was that way through most religions. “I know exactly what you mean, our church was that way. Everything was separate and if anyone was caught violating the rules they were disciplined. The pastor was very strict about it and the more I think about it, the more I remember of how much of a creep he was. I’m really glad that my parents switched churches,” She wondered what would have happened if her parents didn’t switch churches? What would he life be like now, would she have found Russell? Probably not, she would probably married to one of the church boys from the congregation. “Good thing my family found a much better church, which was much more reasonable.” Flora drink more of the soup ice cream and finished it off. Putting the container aside and reaching for her water. She would offer the girl wine but something told her to keep the wine corked. She looked over at Dani and smiled, seeing all the girls tattoos. “Tell me about them, I’ve always been curious.”

Dani nodded a bit as Flora spoke. Church was weird. Religion was weird. It was all weird and man-made, but spirituality, faith, that wasn’t. Faith is what mattered. She took off her hoodie, having gotten a little too warm. She looked down at their arms when Flora pointed out her tattoos. “The cross on my hand was my the first one I got. I later got the lion head. Both are kind of tied into my faith. I’ve got ‘let go’ and ‘let God’ on my feet. The faith and the birds is again, more of supportive, well, faith based tattoo.” She held up her arms to show Flora her inner arms. “I got stay strong the year I stopped self harming. The rose covers a tattoo I’d gotten on a bad night.” She thought for a moment, trying to think if she had any others. “I’ve got a green feather or leaf or something behind one of my ears, it was my first tattoo.” Dani shrugged a bit. “I have my next one planned, but I don’t really know when I’ll get it. Probably after I finish the song I’m working on.”

Flora liked the tattoos that Dani had on her body, they looked interesting and they had meaning. She never thought about tattoos when she was younger, she decided they weren’t for her. That god would not approve but as she got older, she found herself becoming more and more curious. “I’ve been thinking about getting one,” She wanted to give it a try, even if it was just one. “Been looking at tattoos online but I keep chickening out.” She opened the gallery in her phone and showed her a few options she was deciding on. “This one is my favorite. What do you think?”

Dani smiled a bit. She loved when people talked tattoos with her. It always made her happy. Her eyes lit up when Flora said she was looking into getting one. Looking at the image she nodded a bit. “I like it. It suits you.” She nodded a bit, pulling up her own phone and opened the notes app and opening a file. Holding offering the phone to Flora she smiled sheepishly. “It’s the lyrics for the song I’m currently working on. It’s mostly finished, but I can’t figure out if it flows right or not.”

Flora nodded, “Guess I should look into getting that. Now where to get it, that’s the question? I don’t know if i’d want to put it on display for everyone to see. Or, keep it just for me?” She accepted the phone from Dani and took a look at the lyrics she had, “A story never told…” She trailed off and read what lyrics that Dani had, bit and pieces of a story this girl wanted to get out but couldn’t yet. All the pain and the truth, I wear like a...Battle wound?” Flora wasn’t sure if that would go but it was something. She took Dani’s hand and placed the phone in it, “You certainly have something there, something deep, profound, you’ll get those lyrics out. When you do we’ll go get those tattoos together.” She nodded.

Dani tapped her chin a bit. “I mean, if it’s a reminder to yourself if might be easier getting it on your inner arms, like my stay strong. But ultimately it’s up to you.” She shrugged a bit. Her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she watched Flora read the lyrics. Only Abel had even gotten close to seeing those lyrics. They combined so much of her life. It was predominantly about her parents but it also had tied in pieces about Angela, things that had multiple meanings. She slowly started singing it to herself, she’d need a piano to actually get the proper timing down but sitting there actually vocalizing it she found herself nodding. It didn’t sound bad and as the phone was placed back in her hand, she smiled. “Thanks, and I just need a piano and I think I’ll have it. I’ll be in Lima til the 17th, maybe we’ll get lucky and we can get em before I leave.”

Flora had gone through a lot of choices, trying to decide where. She figured it was going to hurt either way but she came to the conclusion- nothing would hurt as bad as Russell’s fists. “I was thinking on my ribcage but people say its not the best place for your first time.” She smiled when Dani said she was looking for a piano, “Well, I don’t have a piano but-” Getting up she walked to her hall closet and pulled out a keyboard. “I’ve been trying to pick up a hobby here and there and I always wanted to play piano. So, I went to the music store and asked them about keyboard’s and they gave me this. I was talking to a guy online a little while ago and he mentioned it was never too late to learn.”

Dani laughed a bit, nodding. “Yeah no. Over bones, on the neck, and on the top of the feet or hands are more likely to hurt. It’s all about pain tolerance, really. I’m not a good judge of tattoo pain, cause I like pain, but anything that’s more fat or muscle than skin and bone is always a good place. I think faith is the one that hurt most, because it’s so close to the elbow.” Dani tilted her head as Flora spoke, watching as she pulled a keyboard out of the closet, a smile spreading across her face. “It’s a good instrument to learn and a keyboard is certainly close enough. Do you have a stand or at least a counter at a decent height?” Admittedly, Dani hadn’t touched her own keyboard in ages, so much of her music lending itself more to one of her guitars, it’d be nice to play again.

Flora nodded, “That is what I heard, so I’m not sure I’m ready but I think it’s where I want it. I’m not a fan of pain but I’ve been pretty numb-” Flora pulled out a stand from the closet and smiled, “The guys saw I was a sucker and got me to buy one of these. It’s adjustable,” She set the stand up and plugged in the keyboard, “here you go, take it away maestro.” She headed back to the couch and dug into her Cheese-itz, giving Dani her creative space that she might need. “Need anything else?”

Dani nodded a bit as Flora spoke, she knew that feeling, being numb. It was what had driven her to self harm as a teen, it was why she was so close to that edge again. Being numb was dangerous. Tattoos, admittedly, helped with that. “It’s useful, for sure.” She laughed a bit, adjusting the stand just a bit as she set her phone face up on the edge of it. “Uh, honestly, not that I know of. Feedback is always appreciated, though.”

Humming for a moment she started to test keys, trying to find a starting point, once she found it, she started singing, occasionally starting over when her voice and the keys she played didn’t match up the way she wanted. Her hands eventually started to move on autopilot, her entire body getting into it as she hit what felt like the fifteenth start over. While it didn’t sound entirely right, it was getting there. It was so close and she kept going, ignoring the tears that had started to form in her eyes as she played, the way her voice tried to catch in her throat. As the song finished the sob caught in her throat and she could feel the way her body had started to shake.

Flora laid back and closed her eyes as she listened to Dani play, the music was rough to start but soon Dani found her way. Slowly, Flora sat up and looked over to see Dani working through the song. Her voice was rough and sad, both in a good and bad way. Emotion is what made a song great, it’s something that Flora was learning. She wanted to go over there and wrap her arms around Dani, telling her that everything would be okay. Yet, Flora knew that she might not want that comfort.

When she was done, Flora made her way over and placed a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, it’s all okay,” She couldn’t help but take her into that hug, she just hoped this is what Dani needed. She hoped hugging her wouldn’t push her away, “If you want me to let go, you just tell me and I will. Okay?” She rubbed her back and held on and would until Dani told her to stop.

Dani barely moved at first, trying to keep her breathing steady, to keep from giving in to the tears. Tears she should have cried years ago, pain she shouldn’t have held onto. And then Flora was talking and she found herself pulled into a hug and for the first time in a while, she let it happen. She let herself be hugged and comforted by someone who wasn’t Abel. And she cried. It was all she could do in that moment, her body shaking arms eventually moving to hug Flora back, if only to make sure she stayed on her feet. Her hands curled into fabric, the way those of a child might. For the first time in over seven years she truly felt like she wasn’t as unwanted as her parents had made her feel. That someone gave a shit about her and it made her cry harder, unable to catch her breath long enough to stop.

Flora knew all she could do was be there for her, holding on tight and not letting her go. “Here we go,” She moved them over to the couch, a mama bear strength she normally reserved. She settled them in and just held her close, rubbing her back as she cried. “You let it out, suga, let it out.” She held on as if she was holding on to one of her own kids. Giving all the comfort and care she could in one simple squeeze. This girl had been thoroughly broken and that started with the two people who should have raised her up. Left a girl to defend for herself all because of who she was, it pissed her off. No child should be tossed away because of who they love, “Try and catch your breath, follow my breaths.” She breathed slow, allowing Dani to feel her chest rise and fall.

Dani found herself curling as far as she could into Flora’s hold, as if trying to make herself as small as possible. As if it wouldn’t all ache so much if she was smaller. As if the years of pain wouldn’t feel like they were tearing her apart if she was condensed herself against it. Listening to Flora’s words, she did her best to try and match the breathing. At first it just left her breathing sporadic but eventually things calmed and she seemed to go almost limp against Flora. God she was so tired and she felt like a young girl again, back before the relationship she had with her mother exploded, when she could go to her mother for anything. Her breath tried to catch in her throat again and she breathed through it, eventually pulling back from Flora, ever so slightly, wiping at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Thank you.” Her voice sounded as small as she felt, insecure and scared. Everything she’d done her best not to feel.

Flora held on as Dani found her breathing, it took several minutes for her to catch her breath. She felt Dani go limp against her as she continue to hold on, “You’re welcome,” She smiled and reached out to cup her cheek, rubbing the last stray tear away. She didn’t know if this would help Dani in the long run but it helped her now and that is what mattered. It mattered because she let it out, she let her emotions spill out instead of holding them in to explode. She reached onto the table and handed her some water, “Small sips,” She had a break down a few years back, she remembered being curled up in her mother’s arms and just shaking- Dani didn’t have the option to do that and Flora felt deeply for this girl. “The song is amazing, Dani, I felt every word.” She reached out and took her hand, giving it a squeeze.

Dani smiled sheepishly, running a hand through her hair. She accepted the water and did as instructed, feeling the weight of emotional exhaustion settle in on top of the regular exhaustion she’d been feeling lately. It made her so tired that it took her a few moments to wrap her brain around what Flora had said. She nodded a bit. “Thank you. It’s not all about them, but them and Angela and how that all connects for me. I guess.” Her words were starting to slur from the exhaustion, only made worse by just how thick her accent came out. She yawned, having to shake herself a bit. “I haven’t been this tired in… I don’t even know.”

Flora reached out and cupped her chin, “Maybe you can try and get some shut-eye? I got that comfy bed I was talking about earlier, a guest bed that has not been used yet. You can be the first one to christen it and try to sleep?” It had been an emotional night for the both of them, they talked, got to know each other more, and Flora helped Dani with her music. She hoped with the weight lifted off her would be enough to get her into bed. “Come on, I’ll tuck you in and everything.” She smiled.

Dani nodded ever so slightly as Flora spoke. She was so tired and she had a feeling she’d sleep deeply enough to not be bothered by the nightmares that typically plagued her. Flora’s words had a small but sad smile smile crossing her face. “I’d like that very much.” She sounded like a little girl again, the one who hadn’t yet learned what her tongue could do, who didn’t know what it was like to be hurt by those who were supposed to love her. That hadn’t been afraid of the monsters in her own head.

Flora nodded her head and helped Dani up to her feet, “Come on suge, let’s tuck you in.” She smiled and brought her into the bedroom, sitting her down on the end of the bed. She folded down the blankets and tossed the throw pillows onto the chair. “I got the ac here, a fan- little remotes here turn them on.” She placed them on the side table and helped Dani under the covers. It was nice to have this again, to be able to take care of someone- even if it was just temporary. Dani needed her in this moment and Flora went on autopilot, “Here we are,” She tucked her in and left to get a quick glass of water and placed it beside her. “Need anything else?”

Dani let herself be led to the bedroom, hoodie in one hand, knowing she’d likely forget it in the morning if she didn’t, and also cause it acted as a security blanket at times. She emptied her pockets, wallet, pocket knife, and phone, all stacked one on top of each other on the side table. She folded the hoodie and set it at the foot of the bed, just so she knew where it was, in case she needed it. Dani had nodded slightly as Flora spoke and curled herself up under the covers. It was strange, being in a bed again, particularly being alone in a bed again. She’d tried, on more than one occasion, to share Abel’s bed with him. It hadn’t gone well and neither really slept. In truth, she hadn’t slept in a bed, and actually been comfortable, since before she left Mississippi. It had been that long. “No ma’am, I think I’m good. Thank you.”

Flora smirked, “No need for the ma’am’s but it’s mighty appreciated.” She didn’t mind being called ma’am, it was a sign of respect but it wasn’t necessary. “If you need anything, I’m right next door.” She knew what it was like to be alone, she wasn’t sure how this night would go- would either of them sleep? At this point, Dani would have a better chance at sleeping. Flora would be sitting up for a while, she was sure. One last tuck she leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Good night.” She smiled and headed out, leaving the door open a crack.

Dani simply nodded, a smile on her face. “Okay.” She wasn’t sure she’d sleep, but she’d try and hope the nightmares didn’t catch up with her, because she really wanted them both to sleep. To not wake Flora like that. Her eyes fluttered shut at the kiss to her forehead, a small almost dopey smile crossing her face. “G’night, mama,” the last word nothing more than a breath as the door closed.

#parawhatif #p: shoveling feelings #blessyourheartdharps #t: dani #p: dani #t: para #tw: food #tw: depression #tw: domestic abuse #tw: abuse #tw: religion #tw: drugs #tw: alcohol #//do believe I got all the triggers if not let me know #//not beta'd so beware XD

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