#jiannaeloiseemotionalrants

[jiannaeloise]

Just Another Bad Day

I feel left out and unaccepted today. My best friend told me she booked a seat sale for our planned trip on my birthday. It's my fault for not saving for the ticket but she already booked her flight because she's catching a seat sale but without telling me. I know her and would understand if she said she'd book hers ahead of time if she told me and I got the much pricey ticket because I didn't save in time. But she didn't. And I don't know what to feel. I did tell her what I felt very calmly though because I know her as a best friend.

Then today. I understand that my mom had her migraine and all that. But I was just talking and conversing with my brother when she said: "Shhh, parang si Itang." PUTANGINA MO, MA. Ano? I really can't be myself around here can I? Hindi na ako pwede magvoice out ng opinions? Hindi na ako pwede makipagusap? Ano? Tatahimik lang ako at tutulala? Kung ganun, hindi na ako yun, Ma. My gosh... Hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar sayo. Hindi kita maintindihan. I'm trying my best to be a fucking good goddamn daughter. Ano pa ba gusto mo? Maayos akong anak, Ma. Wag mong intayin na mabali ako ng dahil sayo. Please lang. I love myself too much to do that to myself. Habang mahal ko pa sarili ko, please. Enough with your bullying. I'm not going to have it from this day forward.

What a fucking day,

Jianna Eloise

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I really hope you're not the kind of man who will just quiet down when we fight. I hope you try to approach me even if you know I'm mad, upset, or sad. I hope that we both know when we're wrong and try to listen to each other's reasoning with an open mind. I hope we say words to ease not words to bring down. I may have a difficult time to navigate relationships but I know that I won't be able to do this without you. Tell me all that's in your mind and heart. Don't leave anything behind. I want to understand you the way you understand me. I want to be patient with you the way you are patient with me. I want to love you the way you deserve as you do love me. It's tough getting into heartbreaks each time. I promised myself I won't cry or shed tears for douchebags anymore yet here I am AGAIN.

Wherever you are, please just give me a hug, even in your heart.

Lovingly,

Your Wife

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[jiannaeloise]

My Insecurities

I really had a great day today. I splurged on myself and took myself out on a short date and it has been a long time since I've done that. I booked a nail appointment, I bought the shoes that I've been eyeing on from Charles & Keith (shoutout to this brand who made the bashed girl from the internet their ambassador!), and met up with a good friend of mine from church.

But as I went home, while I was folding clothes of my parents, this worried thought crept up on me. Just last week, I had to hone my hosting skills because we will be featured in YouTube soon for an exclusive house tour. I have never been published in YouTube, nor I ever dreamed of being on TV, or imagined my face being flashed on the screen because honestly, my beauty is not the kind of standard that society really goes for. I know my flaws. I know my imperfections. And sometimes people, strangers, families, and even friends point out what they see which is the unusual shape of my face. All my life, this has been my insecurity growing up. All my life, I have been bullied because of it. There would be times I would even have a mental battle with myself: "Siguro if kasing ganda ko lang si ganito, baka may magkakagusto rin sa akin.", "Baka if I had this girl's face, it will be easy for me to look at the camera and smile." I always thought, maybe if I had a different face, I will be accepted. Maybe if I had a different face, I will be more loved. Maybe if I had a different face, I will be chosen.

I have never been worried in my life about my looks but just because of this one thing that will happen to me. Although I am proud that I am getting out of my shell to do what I have never done before, I am worried that I will be bashed on YouTube because of the shape of my face and I will be viral for the wrong things. I am worried our company will be bashed because of me. Don't get me wrong, I did see the positive side of this opportunity. I even thought: "Here's to the girls who have been bullied because of their face shaped just like me. Here's to the girls who have lived in hiding and shame because they don't see their face as a standard of beauty."

With that in mind, I don't want to look at the comments, nor will I ponder about anything when I see them. I will try my best to shun them.

PS. I talked to B1 about this and I felt this long-buried and heavy pain in my heart lifted off of me when I confided in him. He could see my heart and for the first time in my life, I could also see mine. It did feel that one of the thorns of my flesh was finally pulled out.

PPS. I was too tired to post this entry yesterday but still feel the weight of the importance to post this anyway.

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband: A Fucking Rant About Love

I forgot when I told him I loved him and his response made me regret every inch of it. His reponse was: "You cannot say you love me because you haven't seen me." He said he didn't want to invalidate what I felt and yet that's what he did. It triggered me so much I used God as a metaphor: "Why do you think we love God even if we haven't seen Him?" "Hahaha. I'm not God." "But aren't we spiritual beings?!"

So my dear future husband, if you're reading this. I hope you know that when I tell you I love you, I really thought about it beyond logical reason and emotions. Please note that you cannot say the words: "You cannot say you love me." because I'm going to fight the hell out of you just like I did with this guy. It's so frustrating because it finally made me ask: "Is love really supposed to be just conventional?" Do you really have to see someone in order to love them? Is that how it is?

Is that what love means? Is that what love stands for? Because if it does, maybe it's better not to have it.

I was hurt of course. I mean, I wouldn't if he didn't matter to me. Not because it wasn't mutual but because this guy made me realize that there are some people not worth sharing that love to. I have so much love to give to others who understands. I'm not to waste another time with another boy. I understand that he didn't know what to do at that point because maybe he hasn't experienced that kind of love. The love you don't have to see.

The only resolution I could do was to unfriend and block him for now. I usually just ask for space but this time, it's for real. I really need a time away from him because each time I talk to him, I always end up hurt and heartbroken. It isn't healthy nor good for me and my soul.

I hope by the time I meet you, I hope you're the kind who knows to acknowledge love with grace.

Sincerely,

Your Future Wife

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[jiannaeloise]

Denial Stage

I still am in a state of shock. I am writing this entry while crying my eyeballs out. I would like to think it is all my fault for asking for so much more at such a wrong time. But my logical reasoning isn't able to forgive the fact that my employer just removed me from our working platform without telling me and sent me an employment status update on my email terminating my employment. Some friends are telling me my employer could have told me to make my decision. I feel like I broke up with my job. A job I actually loved doing. I started asking myself... who am I without it? What is supposed to be the path that I'm taking? What exactly is my purpose now? The higher being question is — what is God's will and why is he putting me in this season? My world crumbled down like those buildings in the earthquake news recently. I have no one one right now but myself and a few friends.

Is this what I get for asking for more? Is this what I get for all the men I have ghosted a while back? Is this how it feels to be let go of someone you love? I am in my bed, folded like a helpless child. I just want to drown in my bed from crying. I can't seem to find reason and find my way out all of the questions in my head. Where did I go wrong? I am floating in a gray area. It's so blurry. It's so full of fear and unknowns. I don't know what to do even if I already have some unsure plan. I have watched my favorite TV show and all I can do is not feel anything at all. I am starting to feel numb. I am starting to feel numbing tingles all over my face, my hands, my stomach, and my body as I am crying. I just wish someone can give me a long ass hug right now.

All I know is that even in this uncertainty, I deserve so so much better and I know one way or another I will attract what is meant for me.

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I’m getting tired of this shit. I keep on placing bets on douchebag men. Falling hard and yet I get left like a crumpled piece of paper. Yeah, I think I’m going to make that 10-minute cover real soon.

I hate crying over these men thinking, why did I do to deserve to be thrown away and ghosted like that? But the thing is he doesn’t deserve me. It’s his loss in the first place. Why should I keep chasing? I hate not knowing.

I keep on betting and betting only to lose the game. I don’t know if I want to place bets anymore. Can my heart handle more hurt than it should? But I hate that a part of me who doesn’t want to give up on love because it’s just in my nature. It’s in my DNA.

One thing is for sure. I’ll never trust anything that goes on too fast ever again. Please be safe wherever you are, my love. Protect your precious heart at all costs.

Until then,

Future Wife

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[jiannaeloise]

What I think about All Too Well The Short Film and 10-minute version. SPOILER ALERT.

First of all, I wasn’t able to follow my RED TV schedule because I can’t resist to listen to five of Taylor’s Vault tracks. One of which was Message In A Bottle, a song that made me dance and cry at the same time which I didn’t think was physically possible at ALL.

As I was watching the All Too Well Short Film, it took me back to the moments where I was also heartbroken. There was one scene in The First Crack In The Glass where the guy dropped the woman’s hand in front all of his friends when she tried to hold it. This reminded me of my ex and at the point in our relationship where I knew it was already falling apart but I was still in denial because that’s exactly what happened to the both of us. I was the only one holding on to his hand, gripping on with all my hope that maybe that’s what could save us. And yet his hand, was numb, not responding to my clasped hand on his in front of his friend. I knew exactly how painful that felt. I knew the pain that was also included in an abusive relationship through gaslighting that I didn’t want to believe myself because I was naive and I was young.

I never knew All Too Well could touch me more in this way than it could have before. I never thought I could revisit my past old pains in this way before. It was my way of acknowledging my first heartbreak 11 years ago. It was really a learning curve for me in relationships. But I do have to say that I never brought up my ex here in this platform. I’ve moved on so long ago. I never got to be friends with him again because of the fact that he never changed. He’s still a mess. He’s still a cheater to his wife. Yes, he’s blocked from me on all of my social media accounts. Never to speak with me ever again. I don’t think I’m grateful enough for my parents and for the people who love me to know my worth and finally I realized that myself at a young age. I can’t have a friendship with any of my exes knowing that they still have their own baggage. I don’t want to fall into that self-depreciating rabbit hole.

There was one time around 2019 when this ex reached out to me again using a new account with a different name saying: “Hi. Do you still remember me?” And my cold answer was: “I don’t have to ask your name. I know exactly who you are.” He basically want to reach out for old time sakes. At that time, my whole life was falling apart and I was in a mid-life crisis but I confidently told him: “We don’t have to talk. We don’t have to be friends. We don’t even have to be civil. I’m at the point in my life where I don’t need you to be in my life and be my friend. Thanks for your time though.” And with that he did call me mean but I didn’t care because I’m going to stand my ground. I immediately blocked him because I wanted him to know that he can never talk to me ever.

Was the wound that deep? No. I just give myself respect to the point where I know not to deal with this kind of man who manipulated and abused me in a relationship. I don’t think there’s more of a telling sign than that to cut off your ties. If you are in the same place as I was, maybe it’s time to consider your worth too. It’s going to be difficult especially if that person treated you like their own or like a sacred prayer. I don’t care what that person got from you for you to not let go. You deserve so much more. It’s better to be single than to be a relationship where you are all who’s fighting for it anyways.

I hope that you learn a lesson from my story and from watching All Too Well The Short Film today. It’s incredible to experience heartbreak in a mature perspective now — almost cathartic.

‘Til next time,

Jianna Eloise

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Mom,

You really got to me today. First, during the morning. When I didn’t exercise. You said I had a lot of time on my hands. Why don’t I use it wisely and exercise? And so I did because it’s been my plan too for this month. You were on the phone said something along the lines of, “Utang na loob ko pa na sabihan siya na magexercise.” That was strike one.

Strike two was during lunch. My younger sister and brother had a trip planned tomorrow and my sister even said: “Edi isasama na namin si Ate?” I said jokingly: “Pwede ako mag-absent bukas.” and you immediately blocked that idea. “Hindi. Hindi sasama yan. May pasok yan bukas.” Even if I did have work, shouldn’t I decide if I can take a leave?! But anyways, I showed you I know my fucking place. “Hindi. Hindi ako sasama. Kasi marami pa akong tasks. At hindi ko naman ka-age group mga kasama niyo.”

The lunch was mechado, and fish with a side dish of tomatoes. I ate mechado and wanted to eat tomatoes. And you looked and laughed at me like some stupid piece because tomatoes and mechado didn’t go together. “Bakit ka kakain ng kamatis? Para saan?” “Eh gusto kong kumain ng kamatis, bakit ba?” My dad and sister miraculously backed me up. My sister went in first, “Bakit, Ma? Eh yun gusto niyang kainin?” Dad proceeded: “Oo nga. Lahat na lang ng makikita mo inaano mo.” Then I said with conviction, something I don’t do often that maybe I should, I answered back: “Bakit? Hindi naman ako katulad ni Tito D na laging nilalagyan ng ketchup yung pagkain niya. Tska gulay naman to.” Then Dad had the final say to Mom: “Bakit nababoy ba kinain niya? Diba hindi naman?” He looked at me: “Sige, kumain ka niyan. Buti nga kumakin siya ng gulay.”

That was it. After lunch, I went upstairs and knelt down in front of my closed-lid toilet and prayed and cried. “Lord, ano bang ginawa ko? Hindi ba ako pwedeng sumaya? Kahit onti lang? Ano ba dapat kong gawin? Ang hirap maging ako...”

Kakayanin ko ‘to,

Jianna Eloise

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Sad Boy,

I’m the one who’s sad now. Even if I try as many times to tell myself it’s my turn to make you suffer. It’s me who suffers every single time I try to reach out for you. I am speaking to an empty air, with no visible sight of a living thing. That’s how it feels like trying to piece us back together. I deserve better. I really do. But I’m still waiting for you to say you love me still. That you care for me. Then I can go. That’s all I just ever need. But a wise friend told me not to expect anything from you anymore. Not even that kind of closure because I will just hurt myself deeper.

This wise friend has been the one who was there for me since day one. He cares. He deserves to know about you. He was shocked to know that it was as deep as it was.

But I just wanted you to know, that even in my anger, I don’t think I can hate you. I fucking hate myself for that. Because honestly, I loved and cared for you even for a short while.

This is my short goodbye. I want to be done. I’m letting you go because I want to save myself until I have the strength to do so. This will be my last entry of you. Thank you for the short love and connection. It was good until it lasted.

I’m sorry. Forgive me. I love you.

As for me, I know I’ll get through this. One step at a time.

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Sad Boy,

Hi, Jay. I told myself that I will wait until Monday for you to reply. I blocked you thinking that you left me just like that. I deleted all our messages on my side but not yours so I can start to heal on my own. I almost wanted to reach out to my connections from the BPO industry just to get your contact number because that’s how desperate I want to talk to you so I can fix it. So we can talk about it.

Something happened between us and that is the very thing that made you uninstall the only app where we communicate. You could have just told me what bothered you before leaving me to a space of nothingness. You didn’t even bother to think about how I would feel if you did exactly what you did. You said you thought of me. If you think you did, it wasn’t enough thinking.

This must be to-be-wed women feels like when they are left in the altar by their groom-to-be. It isn’t a joke when women say they want their groom to be at the altar when they get married. I’m sure these women experience their shame thrice as much but having this is like a little sneak peek.

I’m sorry that we had to end things like this between us. You didn’t give us a fighting chance. You decided that all on your own. But I’m glad that I got the closure that I need and deserve. I need that peace. As this happened, I realized I deserve so much more. I’m glad you decided we need to go back from zero because that’s what I want now too. After what you did, you deserve to be in that position. Kasi hindi madadaliang maibalik sa dati, Jay.

You really fucked up, Jay. I hope you don’t do this to the next woman you will like or have feelings for. She doesn’t deserve a treatment like this. Save her from it. I’m begging you. Thank you for giving me the time to un-love you. I’m genuinely relieved you are alive, at least.

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[jiannaeloise]

This is the hardest thing about COVID...

You don’t get to see your loved ones one last time once they die because of the virus. Their body will immediately be put in a cremation process. There will be no wake and condolences are mostly expressed via online.

It sucks when one of your loved ones dies in this way. It’s one of the harshest things that can happen to a person’s life.

Praying for all souls who died and battled their life because of this virus. My heart is with you.

Praying for those OFWs who are also sick and can’t fly back home because of restrictions.

May you go to hell China,

Jianna Eloise

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