AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU
Fill for the “A whodunit on who pegged Mikiya” and “I feel like Azaka/[Ryougi] Shiki has comedy potential, whether or not Mikiya is involved” prompts. Needless to say, crack fic ahead. Also, the Shiki here it’s Shiki Ryougi, not SHIKI Ryougi. It’s just that the fill is using the format of the SCP wiki’s Murphy Law stories, which uses capitalized character names.
This one has a bit of a weird story. I submitted it earlier but forgot to do it while being logged off Tumblr so I requested the mod to take it down since I’d rather do these anonymously. As a “thank you” to the mod, I improved the fill a bit, mostly on the ending. The old version ended up revealing that Mikiya had just tripped on a floorboard. The new version was actually the first idea for the ending, but it was scrapped since it involved forced pegging, which is kinda rape and that’s something I really don’t want to write. However, I managed to find a fix to this and now the new-original ending is back, in all of it’s cracky glory.
You will never guess who the culprit is.
[AZAKA HOLMES AND THE PERILOUS PEGGING OF MIKIYA KOKUTOU]
FADE INThe scene is set up at the Garan no Dou office. MIKIYA is lying on the floor, mumbling something incomprehensible with a remarkably stupid face. SHIKI and AZAKA watch with a worried look. TOUKO is too busy smoking and reading important-looking papers.
AZAKA: Good buddhist heavens! What happened to you?
MIKIYA: …my gluteus maximus… the sensation is… holy cow the pain…
MIKIYA faints. AZAKA covers her mouth in horror.
AZAKA: Oh no… no… the shock… the physical damage… this can only mean one thing…
he’s been… pegged.
A dramatic music sting plays.
SHIKI: doesn’t look too bad, maybe he could just use some rest?
AZAKA looks at SHIKI with a surprised look.
AZAKA: …you know what pegging is, right?
SHIKI: Some western dining tradition?
AZAKA looks at SHIKI in sheer disbelief. She turns around to face TOUKO.
TOUKO: If you want to tell her, you’re on your own.
AZAKA looks at SHIKI again, and opens her mouth.
SCENE CHANGEThe scene is set in the Garan no Dou office, except the place is covered in slash marks. AZAKA and TOUKO are hiding in strange humanoid metal contraptions. SHIKI is disheveled and breathing heavily while holding a knife. MIKIYA is still on the floor, now asleep.
TOUKO: …I told you the Nokia phone body armors weren’t a waste of money.
TOUKO takes off her armor and resumes sitting on her desk, doing unspecified but surely
important work. AZAKA also removes her gear and approaches SHIKI.
AZAKA: …have you calmed down now?
SHIKI: Only externally. I’m going to find out who did… that thing to him, and kill them.
A dramatic music sting plays.
AZAKA: No, we are going to find out. Your usual method of “stabbing the problem” won’t work if we don’t know what the problem is.
The camera focuses on AZAKA, who stares at the audience.
AZAKA: (whispering) Besides, I’ll get to prove to Mikiya that I’m a much suitable partner than Miss Giant Enemy Crab Vision there by virtue of rationality.
SHIKI: …just because the camera is focusing on you doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.
AZAKA: There’s no time! Think! What kind of degenerate monster could possibly do this?
SHIKI points at a trail of bloody footprints coming from Mikiya’s sleeping form, which lead to a broken window in the office.
SHIKI: someone crazy enough to jump from the third floor.
AZAKA: Let’s think… our suspect must be someone with an unhealthy attachment towards Mikiya…
TOUKO: That pretty much includes every girl in this show except me.
AZAKA: …and enough agility to survive a 3-floor fall… I believe I know who could be…
SCENE CHANGEThe scene is set up in a dimly lit alleyway with the usual KnK chiaroscuro style. Which pretty much means any alleyway in Mifune city.
SHIKI: You sure this is the right place?
AZAKA: Yes. I don’t know what exactly, but something tells me he is here.
SHIKI and AZAKA walk into a menacing vacant building. The camera scrolls up to reveal a neon sign displaying the text “UNCLE SHIRAZUMI’S UTTERLY AWESOME AND DEFINITELY LEGAL DRUG EMPORIUM (please don’t come with the police)”.
SHIKI and AZAKA walk inside the building, revealing an expectable dimly lit interior. LIO is seen sorting some boxes. He turns around and jumps at the sight of the two clearly mentally stable girls.
LIO: OH SH…! Nothing to see here! Just… selling drugs and… stalking someone who is totally not in this room with me at this very instant while I say these very words!
AZAKA: Cut the chatter, you girly junkie werewolf-wannabe! Today you pay for your crime!
LIO looks at AZAKA in confusion.
LIO: …which one?
SHIKI: Can we get to the part where I kill him?
AZAKA walks up to LIO and grabs him by his shirt’s collar.
AZAKA: Don’t play silly with me, you walking definition of degeneracy!
LIO: …at least I’m not into incest…
AZAKA punches LIO in the face.
SHIKI: …gotta say, that was a pretty good punch.
AZAKA: Thanks! Your history speaks for yourself, Shirazumi! Drug dealing! Cannibalism! Voyeurism! Staking Shiki! Listening to nightcore!
SHIKI: Wait what?
AZAKA: Once a scum, always a scum. Now, talk. Why did you peg Mikiya?
LIO: WHAT! Look, I may be a crazy cannibal, but I got limits! Besides, who knows what magic hazards Touko has set up for intruders at your lair!
SHIKI loses interest and goes outside.
AZAKA: Denying the crime, aren’t we?
AZAKA throws LIO into the floor, and walks to a door that seems suspicious because it’s the one that is closer to her.
AZAKA: bet you are keeping pictures and recordings of your despicable actions in there!
LIO: NO! DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR!
AZAKA opens the door. She enters a dark storage room. AZAKA turns on the lights, revealing industrial amounts of Shiki Ryougi doujins, perfectly organized in racks. AZAKA’s jaw drops to whatever the actress can manage without requiring medical attention after filming. LIO enters the room, shaking in fear.
LIO: …please don’t tell her…
AZAKA: I won’t. Not because I care about you, but because I’m scared of the possible consequences of telling her.
LIO: Look, I did not do anything degenerate towards Mikiya… today. I was sorting these for hours.
AZAKA sighs and leaves through the door. The camera focuses on the door for a while.
AZAKA quietly returns.
AZAKA: …do you have any lesbian orgy ones?
LIO: Sorry, I sold the only one today.
SCENE CHANGE
The scene is set in the halls of Reien Girl’s Academy, where the yuri is abundant and holy. AZAKA and SHIKI walk through the halls, the former seemingly performing deep mental calculations.
AZAKA: With Shirazumi ruled out, we need to find someone else with an affinity for blood and Mikiya…
SHIKI points at herself.
AZAKA: …besides you, I mean. And I believe here we can find the next prime suspect!
AZAKA kicks open a door, revealing a regular student room. FUJINO is in said room, and is visibly distraught by the appearance of our excessively lethal defenders of what they think it’s right.
AZAKA: Game Over, Miss “Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?”! We have come for you!
FUJINO looks at SHIKI, screams in terror and hides under the bed.
FUJINO: PLEASE NO!!! I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING MURDEROUS! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY, KNIFE DEVIL!
SHIKI: …what the hell is up with you?
AZAKA: Maybe you scared her a bit during your fight?
SHIKI: But I did spare her…
AZAKA: …after beating her up enough that she telekinetically destroyed a bridge out of desperation?
SHIKI: Ok, whose side are you on here?
FUJINO: …please be on my side…
SHIKI walks closer to FUJINO, who screams in terror again and proceeds to hold a crucifix between her and SHIKI
FUJINO: WESTERN BUDDHA HELP ME!
SHIKI: I’ll make it easy for the two of us. Did you peg Mikiya?
FUJINO drops the crucifix.
FUJINO: …no?
SHIKI: Well, our job is done here.
SCENE CHANGE
SHIKI and AZAKA walk through the hallways of the Mifune City hospital.
SHIKI: Why are we here?
AZAKA: With the telekinetic psychic and the crossdresser in the clear, there’s only one possible suspect left…
AZAKA kicks a door open. The camera switches to a hospital room. KIRIE is laying in bed, and looks at the general direction of our heroines of subjective justice.
KIRIE: You could have knocked…?
SHIKI: It would have taken at least two minutes for you to get in your wheelchair and open the door.
KIRIE: …good point…
SHIKI: Although, to be fair, Azaka has a weird thing against doors today.
AZAKA quickie rushes towards KIRIE, and grabs her by the collar.
AZAKA: Your days are numbered, you Stand User wannabe!
KIRIE: …they already are… you know, terminal illness and…
AZAKA: We have no time to hear the excuses of criminals!
KIRIE covers her face and trembles.
KIRIE: …I’m sorry… those girls… I didn’t know what I was doing… and I… made them jump…
AZAKA: Who cares about your gravitational conga line? This is about you pegging Mikiya!
KIRIE: …I didn’t do that!
AZAKA: That’s what a criminal mastermind would say!
SHIKI: She doesn’t look very “criminal” to me… more like pathetic, actually.
KIRIE: I didn’t do that! I couldn’t bring myself to even hurt Mikiya… beyond accidental soul-sealing…
SHIKI: …besides, don’t you need a physical body for pegging?
AZAKA lets go of KIRIE. A frustrated look can be seen on her face.
AZAKA: Damn it! I was sure it was her!
SHIKI: Doubt it. She can barely do anything but whine. Let’s go home, I don’t have the time for weak people.
Suddenly, a pillow is thrown at SHIKI’s face with surprising force. KIRIE stands up on her bed with an atypical furious look. AZAKA stared in disbelief.
KIRIE: WEAK? YOU THINK YOU ARE SO STRONG AND HAVE RIGHT TO BE A GLOOMY BORDERLINE PSYCHO TO EVERYONE BESIDES MIKIYA BECAUSE YOU LOST ONE PERSON CLOSE TO YOU AND SPENT TWO YEARS IN A COMA! I LOST ALL OF MY FAMILY AND ROTTED ALIVE HERE FOR TEN YEARS! THE IDEA OF MIKIYA TAKING CARE OF ME WAS THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING! BUT NO, HE HAS TO BE ALL YOURS! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? A FUCKING SHELTERED CHILD WHO HAPPENS TO BE GOOD AT STABBING THINGS!
KIRIE drops down to her bed, breathing heavily. SHIKI drops her knife and leaves the room with a shocked expression.
AZAKA: …holy shit.
SCENE CHANGESHIKI and AZAKA wander through a street. The Garan no Dou building can be seen in the background.
AZAKA: Damn it! We failed!
SHIKI: I can guard Mikiya and kill the pegger if they appear again.
AZAKA: And take all the credit again! …but it’s the correct solution. (Sighs) Let’s go home.
AZAKA walks towards a building with a broken window.
SHIKI: Where are you going?
AZAKA: To the Garan no Dou office?
SHIKI: That’s the building across the street…
AZAKA: Then why is the third floor’s window broken?
AZAKA notices a trail of bloody footprints leading from the Garan no Dou building to the building across the street. AZAKA and SHIKI look at each other.
SCENE CHANGE
The scene is set at an abandoned music school which happens to be right next to the Garan no Dou office. AZAKA and SHIKI wander through the empty rooms.
AZAKA: This doesn’t make any sense… If all of Araya’s unpaid interns are innocent, who could be insane enough to assault Mikiya, survive a third floor fall, leave a trail of blood and then jump to the third floor?
SHIKI: No point in thinking, we are going to find out.
AZAKA’s expression changes from detective in deep detective-ish thinking to concern.
AZAKA: Oh no… no… no… Sweet mother of crack fic plot twists, NO.
SHIKI: …what?
AZAKA: It can’t be. She fits the criteria, but… no! No one remembers Final Record/Garden of Oblivion. There’s no way it’s her. She was just a cameo! As a freaking corpse!
MYSTERIOUS FEMALE VOICE: Azaka, Azaka, Azaka… this is Type-Moon. Any vague connection can be important! And now, after an unnecessarily long wait, I got you right where I wanted!
A mysterious female character steps out from the shadows, clad in a bloody wedding dress. The unknown girl has long black hair and clearly-evil golden eyes, and an expression that makes Lio Shirazumi look like the epitome of normality.
AZAKA: NO FRICKING-FREAKING WAY!!! You were just a cameo in a bonus chapter that wasn’t even animated, Kanata Ishizue! And your home series, D.D.D., is deader than Portal 3!
KANATA: rubbing salt in the wound, aren’t we? VERY WELL, HAVE IT AT YOU!!!
KANATA walks closer to AZAKA. SHIKI does not care.
KANATA: Let me tell you something, from imouto to imouto… (whispering) I actually got my onii-chan’s meat inside me… by virtue of cannibalism.
AZAKA gasps in the most exaggerated manner the actress can manage without needing medical attention after filming.
SHIKI: Cut the meta crap. Why did you peg Mikiya?
KANATA: Whoa there, pegging? I may be a crazy cannibal, but I got limits! I just slapped him in the butt to piss YOU off!
AZAKA: You slapped him with enough force to cause bleeding!?
KANATA: I DO EVERYTHING ON INTENSE INTENSITY! FULL FORCE! 100% MAXIMUM NO CHILL!
SHIKI: What is your problem? Why would you even want to get me pissed off?
KANATA: Oh, you want expository dialogue don’t you? FINE! It’s all because of Final Record! I was robbed of the mother of all showdowns, and I’m taking it back! Being in development hell limbo for almost two decades has given me time to think! To analyze all of your movements! After years of research, I finally found out all I needed to pick a fight with you was doing any form of harm to Mr. Nice Guy Turd!
AZAKA: It took you years to figure that out?
SHIKI: And why didn’t you just wait for us instead of making us waste time on investigation?
KANATA: Huh, I could swear I left a note near Mr. Harem Devil… Oh, forget it. ENOUGH TALK! The time has come! Shiki Ryougi, I challenge you! Today, the one-hit-kill tomboy OC meets the SCP-682 imouto! The Void faces Eternity! This fight shall be so glorious that all records of it will be rated S, because that’s higher than R! This is the ULTIMATE. SHOWDOWN. OF. ULTIMATE. DESTINY.
KANATA lifts a piano with one hand, and proceeds to play a boss theme with the other.
SHIKI: …pianos are not an officially recognized melee weapon.
KANATA: Your face is not an officially recognized melee weapon!
SHIKI: That’s it, I’m killing you.
AZAKA: Well fuck.
SHIKI and KANATA charge at each other. The moment the former’s blade meets the later, the movie freezes. After a second a message appears.
ROOT.OS
WARNING!!!: IncomaptibleHaxError
The system is unable to handle an instant deletion ability hitting and endless regeneration-adaptation ability. Please turn off your timeline, reboot from BIOS and load the latest security copy.
THE ENDA MUSHROOM YAKUZA PRODUCTIONSTARRINGSHIKI RYOUGI as THE ANIME HASH SLINGING SLASHER
AZAKA KOKUTOU as INCESTUOUS SHERLOCK
MIKIYA KOKUTOU as SERIOUSLY WHY IS EVERYONE IS THIS DAMN SHOW IN LOVE
WITH HIM IS HE SOME SORT OF PLATONIC INCUBUS
LIO SHIRAZUMI as RESPECTFUL BUSINESS OWNER
KIRIE FUJOU as ACTUALLY GETS TO TO SOMETHING BESIDES SUFFERING
FUJINO ASAGAMI as REAL CIVIL ENGINEER’S WORST NIGHTMARE
TOUKO AOZAKI as HERSELF
KANATA ISHIZUE as FINALLY A WORTHY OPPONENT, OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY
No doors or timelines were harmed during the making of this movie.
AFTER CREDITS SCENEWe see TOUKO pick up a note left by KANATA challenging SHIKI, and burn it with magic.
The scene cuts to SHIKI and AZAKA leaving while MIKIYA drags himself to the infirmary.
TOUKO inspects the room.
TOUKO: …all alone.
TOUKO walks to a safe and opens it, revealing a lesbian orgy doujin starring Shiki Ryougi. She begins to read it.
TOUKO: …worth every penny.
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camp half blood/percy jackson au [astro]
[knk chb au] [knkstro chb au]
anyway, enjoy our cute stuff abt some demigod astro
- starting with their arrivals/claimings:
- mj and minhyuk show up at camp at the same time, having been chased by the same monster from their neighborhood
- mj is almost immediately claimed as a son of nike, and minhyuk is like “that’s why you always won our bets, you shit”
- minhyuk is claimed a little later as a son of poseidon and is already so done, “for fucks sake, i don’t even like going to the beach what the hell”
- sanha, bin, and jinwoo show up next, and jinwoo had already been established as that trio’s leader after saving the younger boys from a monster
- sanha and bin are both claimed fairly soon, sanha as a son of antheia, a minor flower goddess, and bin as a son of achelois, a minor moon goddess
- jinwoo: of fucking course you’re a child of a MOON goddess, your name is MOON Bin
- jinwoo is claimed a few days late, as a son of atlas
- “lmao u got claimed late, loser”
- “he’s holding up the fUCKING WORLD, GIVE HIM A BREAK”
- dongmin joins the group last, and as soon as everyone lays eyes on him, they have him pegged as either apollo or aphrodite
- there’s bets going around until the campfire that night, about which god/goddess he will be a son of
- suddenly a fucking skULL IS HANGING ABOVE HIS HEAD AND THE BOY GIVES THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, BLINDING SMILE YOU’D EVER SEEN
- okay now onto their individual personalities (under the cut):
- mj:
- is always somehow winning everything even tho he doesn’t seem to be very good at things??
- but he’s just so positive at every capture-the-flag or any competition, cheering everyone on to do their best
- “i’m your lucky charm ;) to victory!!”
- jinwoo:
- is the leader and often feels the weight of the whole team on his shoulders, like he’s holding up the world
- small but is sO STRONG
- can literally carry anything on his back, gives impromptu and sometimes unwanted piggy back rides
- dongmin:
- is literally the happiest freaking son of hades
- knows the horrors of death and goes out of his way to make sure everyone appreciates life, but also reminds them not to fear death
- “yeah,,, my dad kinda sucks,,,, but hey!!!! i just want to sing and love minions!!!!”
- bin:
- is that weird kid that sits on his roof at night and sings to the stars
- one day someone asks him why he does that, and he says “oh, they like it”
- they’re like “they cant hear you” and then the next night when bin sings, there’s a shooting star across the sky
- minhyuk:
- is not a fan of the beach bc sand up the ass is a nono
- boy didn’t even know how to swim until two years ago
- likes making water dance and sometimes uses it to add cool effects to his dance routines
- sanha:
- is the softest flower boy
- plays guitar and sings to his flowers bc he says it helps them grow
- everyone makes fun of him for being a weak flower boy but heck did you know you see this flower on this type of dangerous poison plant/ivy?? what is it doing in your room??? wild
- now for the best part, how they all interact with each other:
- jinwoo can carry the whole maknae line at once, just watch; he asked mj to climb on as well, but mj was like “bitch i may be lucky but i aint stupid”
- bin and sanha sit on the roof of bin’s cabin at night to sing to the stars together, and on the roof of sanha’s cabin during the day to sing to the vines and the trees
- jinwoo can also carry mental burdens and is a good listener so the others love to talk about their feelings with him
- minhyuk likes to mess with the water in sanha’s cup at mealtimes, either splashing him in the face, or making it avoid his mouth whenever he tries to drink it
- bin is a momma’s boy but his momma is so done with him tbh; he stuffed his face at dinner one day and dongmin was like “ur gonna puke if u eat that much” and bc his mom also does healing, bin’s like “oh it’s ok, it’s a full moon, i’ll make a sacrifice to my mom tonight, and she’ll heal me :)” but his mom ignores him and lets the dumb shit have tummy aches for a week
- people think that sanha and dongmin wouldn’t get along bc their parents are complete opposites bUT THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS AND ARE BOTH SUNSHINE BOYS, AND SANHA REMINDS HIM TO LOVE LIFE, AND DONGMIN KEEPS HIM FROM BEING A NAIVE FLOWER BOY AND MAKES SURE NO ONE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HIS SOFT BOY
- going back to how jinwoo can carry literally anything, he randomly picks up his friends and gives them “piggyback rides” ; the boys have varying reactions to it, but the Soft Boys, bin and sanha, love it the most
- sanha makes minhyuk begrudgingly water his plants, and asks him to sing to them; minhyuk does it when he thinks he’s alone but sanha sees him and cries a little bit
- all the members joke that bin can breathe in space and he’s like “i’ve tried, it hurts” “bin what the fuck”
- when sanha gets really happy sometimes too many flowers grow around him and dongmin has to like make them die bc like dude really??? in my room???
- sometimes the boys make bets on really crazy things (especially jinwoo bc he strength) and mj has to begrudgingly help them out, unless it benefits him, then he will for sure make sure he wins
- sometimes when minhyuk dances, he just jumps in the air and trusts jinwoo, who is shorter than him, to catch him in the air, and it’s annoying but jinwoo can’t help but laugh when he does it
- one time, jinwoo didn’t catch him, and they ended up in a mess of limbs and bruises and bumps, so bin had to heal them
- dongmin is the scary back up guy mj brings around with him, bc nobody wants to fuck with a man that never loses and his death friend
- they’re the weirdest group of friends at camp and nobody quite knows what to make of them, but they’re all happy with each other and can’t wait for next summer to come around
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