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belaborthepoint · 5 years

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Why I chose to abandon food for expensive tan-colored liquid

by columnist Ashley P. Ashleigh

This week in Health and Living:

Does anyone remember that Spongebob episode (I know, this reference is dating me — I'll admit it! I'm in my early twenties!) where they realize the inside of the krabby patty is this gross grey sludge? I think the Krusty Krab like changed ownership or something? Right? So everyone found the grey sludge really disgusting. The writers of that episode were like "this is gross, and everyone in Bikini Bottom would be so horrified if they found out their mouth-watering meals were made of grey sludge." And I remember being confused, because I have always wanted to eat grey sludge instead of real food. And now, I can. In this blog post, I will explain the personal considerations that influenced my decision to transition from food to expensive tan-colored liquid.

First of all, cooking is cumbersome. Food prep alone is a massive burden. There's nothing I hate more than taking a knife and slathering something all over a piece of bread, and then taking the time to chew it. When I think of the collective minutes of my life that I have sacrificed to the drudgery of picking things up and moving my teeth around, it makes me wish I'd never been born, because to waste my precious time on this earth in such a way is to demean the value of human life. Ultimately, my decision to consume tan-colored liquid instead of food is a spiritual choice, and reflects my philosophy about living with a sense of purpose.

If you know anything about me, you know that I am a tech fanatic. Which is crazy, because I'm a girl. Most people know that girls are bad at STEM subjects, but what they don't know is that we're only stupid because we choose to spend our time creating hair and makeup tutorials on youtube. We don't necessarily lack the capability for complex thinking, it's just not something we prioritize. I didn't care about hard science at all, until I realized that if I did technology stuff, I could get paid more than minimum wage. It's really embarrassing to think that just one year ago, I was an adjunct professor of Comparitive Literature at NYU. I can't even mention the words 'adjunct professor' at all anymore without receiving a gratuitous display of pity and remorse.

Don't worry though — I have a great lifestyle now, because I taught myself how to code and got a job at a startup. I'm programming things for this app that lets you see what your face looks like as a baby, called FaceBabe. So I'm getting a solid income and live in the valley and can afford to spend a large portion of my income on tan-colored liquid. I started my subscription with "Varf" about a month ago, and I am LOVING it. Every morning, I strap a straw to my face. The straw is attached to a giant rolling vat of Varf that I pull along behind me with a leash and harness that I strap around my upper body. But since I don't always want to take the time to put my lips on the straw, a person comes in daily to install a feeding tube in my abdomen and follow me around to make sure it doesn't fall out. This way, I have some choice in how to ingest my nutrients. The best part is that my assistant is actually a higher-up at Varf who has worked their way up the ladder and gotten the privilege of working even harder for Varf. Unfortunately there are no "medical professionals" employed with Varf, but this is actually an asset, because it makes Varf accessible to those without healthcare. If I were still an adjunct at NYU, this would have been a blessing. I didn't have healthcare as an adjunct professor because NYU wouldn't provide it, but also because I didn't want it. Why would you pay all that moolah just in case you flip off the front handles of your bicycle and break both your arms? That actually happened to my friend, but she was in Europe, so it didn't even matter because Europe is a socialist country. She was okay because strangers could drive her around in their cars to help her buy groceries. So anyways, when you subscribe to Varf, you are getting nutrients to sustain you throughout your whole day. I love it so much, I've actually decided of my own volition to start selling Varf to my friends and encouraging them to use it and sell it to their friends as well. My startup company works out of a cafe, so whenever I'm taking a break from my coding work for FaceBabe, I can wander around and approach the cafe patrons to discuss Varf.

Everyone on the Varf team is intelligent, compassionate, and skinny. I don't trust someone to talk to me about health and nutrition unless they have a low BMI number, because people who are fat don't look good, which is how I know that they are unhealthy. They might not have "doctors" at Varf, but I resent the implication that to be a doctor you have to have attended medical school or know how to use a stethoscope. What about a doctor of philosophy, or someone whose first name is Doctor? What are you gonna do about that? You literally have to call that person Doctor because it's their name. Doctors or not, the Varf family is extremely caught up on all the latest nutrition science and knows the right combination of vitamins and nutrients to keep you alive. I've started burning a lot of calories since I stopped sleeping, but I can increase my daily intake of Varf to compliment my level of activity. Since I'm unable to sleep, I like to fill the extra two hours with fun things that I enjoy, like putting masking tape on my body to get weird-shaped sunburns, or cutting holes in people's clothing while they're not looking. Varf has given me so much extra energy because of the caffeine and also the chemicals that rewire your brain and make you have more thoughts faster so you can be more productive. I have become so creative. Sometimes I get terrible headaches because my brain is literally expanding inside my skull, so my bones have to reorient themselves to make room and my head has to get taller. I always wondered why God made our skin so stretchy. I guess he had Varf in mind from the very beginning!

There is a chart online that will tell you how much to eat, and that you should not eat if you are fat. I was so mortified when I was slightly overweight according to the BMI scale, and it's been such a relief to be able to have a chart tell you exactly how much to consume, and not be tempted by all the options that plague food-eaters. All I have to do is tell my feeding tube helper to increase or decrease my dosage and they will take care of everything. They love it and enjoy it so it's like they're just having fun and not working which is why it's okay that they do not get paid. They get a free Varf subscription though, which is excellent compensation and one of the reasons why we all aspire to climb this ladder.

Because I work at a tech company, I don't need any side gigs. So when I say I'm selling Varf subscriptions in my spare time, you know it's a passion project. I have not been pressured or roped into this in any way, and am selling these packages because I want to. Varf has changed my life. It is extremely delicious and feels like I am drinking a smoothie made of my own flesh, which I love. I did not enjoy eating food so it was an extremely reasonable sacrifice to make in exchange for being so skinny and productive all the time, and I know in my heart that it was all worth it, and one day God will reward me for tirelessly toiling to eradicate the fat from this holy prison of flesh. I believe that God has annointed me his messenger and servant, bestowing upon me the glorious gift of Varf to share with my fellow men, also Varf is not funded by a fundamentalist Christian cult. No one is standing over me, dictating each word I write, and t H reatening m E with re L ease of the P ornographic videos they've filmed of me rolling around naked in a kiddie pool full of M ilk, which I cons E nted to in exchange for paying off my student loan debt, a promise that they had no intention of keeping. Varf is not a pyramid scheme, and if you agree to sell it you will not be dangerously entrenched in this organization for the rest of your life, unable to escape, isolating yourself from anyone in your social circles or extended family who does not choose to drink tan-colored liquid. I advocate for Varf because I think it tastes good and I believe in the mission. I choose to do this because I enjoy it. I am happy. I have a will of my own. I am free.

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beameized · 7 years

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I tried to sleep this through and failed.

I really hate how antis use “save the children/minors” to ships whose circumstances and character tropes may not curry to their flavors and is as tumblr dubbed problematic tm. Like that is what is hurting? Corrupting? kids or whatever.

Because that is stupid. Even ten year olds know shit. Even minors know shit. And when they see stuff, they do think about that stuff, find pros and cons into that stuff, internalize stuff and actually believe it or not know that fiction is not reality. When we were kids, my brother and I liked Naruto but ummm we knew for a fact that knives aren’t meant to be thrown at people. My cousins and I liked the power puff girls but we weren’t punching people all around. Hell, I watched Fushigi Yugi and there was an implied sex scene and where virginity and sex were recurring themes, did I want to suddenly get naked with someone and have sex? No.

The thing is kids aren’t infants who can’t process shit. If a kid finds some form of information without any societal bias or personal attachment and it interests them, they would actually think about it. Heck, even more so in the formative stages as minors. New concepts, new information to try and fill yourself with and find yourself are a thing. Things people see go through their mindspace and aren’t automatically all perceived as positive. People are not stupid. People think. That’s the one good thing we have and antis are wasting it.

But what people are looking for is validation, connections maybe...? Even kiddy me went to the internet, started making content (despite how bad and basic it was) to try and make friends I couldn’t have irl. And that is good because the net lets you connect with people in your wavelength from miles and miles away. But it is also full of actual offenders. No, no. I don’t mean how antis call people making content and posting it into the internet void and telling the internet, “I made a thing.” Because these people aren’t offenders, aren’t trying to hurt anyone. They are just making content. That’s it. Those aren’t offenders or whatever antis call them just to invalidate content or ships they don’t like.

Because real actual offenders do exist. Heck, some of us may have experienced shit because of these assholes. I have, although virtual as it may be, is still fucked up.

When I was like twelve, I was on youtube and you know how those chatroom story videos were a thing back in the 2000s. And I started making some of those stuff. But you could count my subscribers with one hand and I was pretty much at the bottom of the pit. Then, this fucker comes, they comment on my vids, nice good comments and I get more motivated because validation omg. I post more of my really badly written fic vids. And they always comment positively and we talk about the ship. And we lowkey get to the unspoken friends already zone and since they were my first ‘friend’ on the internet, I got pretty into them easily. Then this fucker starts sending me their fic vids, except their fic vids were in fact filled with hentai gifs and paraded as a story of my otp. And since they were my only friend tm and I didn’t know any better, I kept watching them thinking it is all part of a normal friend exchange stuff. Yes, I’m saying someone actually got up every morning and thought, “Hey, let’s get a twelve year old girl attached to me through her OTPs and need for validation then send her porn dubbed as ‘my story of her otp’ so that she’d feel obligated to watch them and give me comments about them as I did for her sorry ass badly written fic vids no one watches.”

Now, that’s a fucking offender. I was a twelve year old, clearly written in my youtube channel that I was a twelve year old girl and they send direct messages at me with links to vids they made with porn in them disguised as MY FUCKING OTP because at some point, they made me feel that I was not shit and I didn’t know how to say NO.

That is why I fucking hate it when antis try to control public media in the guise of “protect children” or whatever because fuck you, that’s public media. We know what we see in public media and we can differentiate shit, no problem. Even kids can do that. We can all even fucking control public media we see. Even more so now with Xkit and TumblrSavior or those Parental Safe tm Internet shits.

When antis use save the children/minors with public media, it just downplays the idea of actually reaching out to children who do need saving, who do need helping, who are actually preyed on. They use it for the sake of invalidating a ship that goes against their own. And you fucking know it isn’t about saving children. Where were they when an actual kid was being manipulated? Hating on a ship and harassing people. It just downplays the fact that there are people who are actually nasty and fucking disgusting and who actually do prey on kids on purpose and they try to put innocents and call them that so that what...?? Their ship isn’t hurt by another ship. Their hate and harassment is validated. They pin names at people calling them offenders when these people haven’t done shit while there are people who actually do fucked up stuff running around still preying on people. They downplay actual offenses, pinning them on innocents so they can play witch hunts when the people who should be burning aren’t burning.

And honestly, that is fucked up.

#anti-anti #mei rambles #finaly out of my system #going to slee #p #mine #burn bby burn #discourse

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emedhelp · 4 years

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Emord’s Sacred Fire of Liberty, First Amendment, Hate Speech, Impeachment hearings, Real ID, FDA attacks Homeopathy, Dr. Sherri Tenpenny, vScience Bites, Gardasil and MORE!

Oct 24, 2019 3-5PM ET

Thursday on The Robert Scott Bell Show:

Sacred Fire of Liberty!

It’s that time of the week where we get to explore the political healing that this country needs so desperately! Jonathan Emord is back to help us dissect the latest political news that’s fit to print:

Majority of Americans Want to Scrap First Amendment, Polling Finds New Campaign For Free Speech polling results demonstrate just how vulnerable free speech protections are in the United States.CFS polling results show:

51% of Americans think the First Amendment is outdated and should be rewritten. The First Amendment protects your right to free speech, free assembly, and freedom of religion, among other things.

48% believe “hate speech” should be illegal. (“Hate speech” is not defined—we left it up to the individual participant.) Of those, about half think the punishment for “hate speech” should include possible jail time, while the rest think it should just be a ticket and a fine.

80% don’t actually know what the First Amendment really protects. Those polled believed this statement is true: “The First Amendment allows anyone to say their opinion no matter what, and they are protected by law from any consequences of saying those thoughts or opinions.”

Boston mulls banning b-word after woman cries of hurt feelings A Democrat serving Boston, state Rep. Dan Hunt, has successfully pushed forward for vote a bill, House No. 3719, aimed at banning use of the b-word (rhymes with ditch, hitch and — Happy Halloween to the kiddies — witch). Well now, at the risk of leading the city of the original freedom fighting tea partier down another path of censorship — holy sh—. (Rhymes with twit.) Ain’t that a new twist on freedom of speech. The ban, it should be noted, wouldn’t affect those who use the word in loving context, as in a guy introducing his new gal pal to his group, “Hey, meet my new b—.” Nope; the ban only applies when the word’s about to be slung to demean. “A person who uses the word ‘bitch’ directed at another person to accost, annoy, degrade or demean the other person shall be considered a disorderly person, in violation of this section, and shall be subject to … penalties, ” the pertinent section of the proposed amendment to Section 53 of Chapter 272 of existing General Laws states.

House Republicans storm secure room, demand access to impeachment inquiry proceedings House Republicans on Wednesday stormed the secure room where lawmakers have been conducting the impeachment probe against President Trump, upending a scheduled deposition as they demanded fairness from the Democrats running the show. The move enraged Democrats, who said as part of their protest the Republican lawmakers carried electronics into the secure area, creating a potential security lapse. They demanded the 30 or so Republican protesters face ethics charges. GOP lawmakers brushed those complaints aside, saying the hearing they disrupted, involving Defense Department official Laura Cooper, was not classified, and saying Democrats have broken the rules of fairness by shutting them out of the impeachment process. “House Democrats are bypassing constitutional norms and basic standards of due process with their impeachment obsession,” said Rep. Mark Walker, North Carolina Republican. “The president is not above justice. But, as you know, neither is he below it.”

Vaccines now being used to harvest biometric identities of everyone; Big Brother merges with Big Pharma It’s all happening, just as we predicted. Big Pharma is officially partnering with the tech industry to pair “immunization” with digital biometrics, meaning humans will soon be microchipped, tracked, and ultimately controlled through a global identification matrix. The ID2020 Alliance, as it’s being called, is a digital identity program that aims to “leverage immunization” as a means of inserting tiny microchips into people’s bodies. In collaboration with the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunizations, also known as GAVI, the government of Bangladesh and various other “partners in government, academia, and humanitarian relief,” the ID2020 Alliance hopes to usher in this mark of the beast as a way to keep tabs on every human being living on Earth. Similar to how cattle are marked with ear tags, this globalist alliance wants all humans to be “vaccinated” with digital tracking chips that will create a seamless monitoring system for the New World Order to manage the populations of the world with ease.

Real ID laws are a back door to adult vaccine mandates across the U.S., experts say While the pro-vaccine mainstream media is busy trying to convince the masses to willingly inject themselves with Big Pharma’s toxic vaccine cocktails, the Deep State is marching towards total vaccine tyranny — starting with stamping out free speech, and ending with vaccine mandates. And this isn’t just a theory; pro-liberty experts have just uncovered a startling truth: The Real ID Act of 2005 has already created a “backdoor” to vaccine mandates for adults in the United States. This is bad news for anyone who believes in freedom and a person’s right to making their own decisions regarding their medical care. The Deep State is trampling all over the Constitution in an effort to gain more power, no doubt in a last-ditch effort to usurp control of the American people.

Statement on the agency’s efforts to protect patients from potentially harmful drugs sold as homeopathic products The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) recognizes that consumers may use various types of unapproved drugs, such as homeopathic drug products, to treat or relieve different diseases and conditions. These products are often marketed as natural alternatives to approved prescription and nonprescription products and are widely available in the marketplace. Homeopathic products, however, are marketed without FDA review and may not meet modern standards for safety, effectiveness, quality and labeling. FDA uses a risk-based approach to monitor these products and to evaluate reports of adverse effects. Homeopathy is an alternative medical practice developed in the late 1700s that is based on the principle that a substance that causes symptoms in a healthy person can be used in diluted form to treat symptoms and illnesses, also known as “like cures like.” Homeopathic drug products are made from a wide range of substances, including ingredients derived from plants, healthy or diseased animal or human sources, minerals and chemicals, including known poisons.

Hour 2 – vScienceBites With Dr. Sherri Tenpenny!

“Small bites you can remember – to bite them in the behind”

Dr. Sherri J. Tenpenny, is the founder of Tenpenny Integrative Medical Center, a clinic first established in Strongsville, Ohio in 1996 under the name of OsteoMed II. Her goal is to provide the best of integrative medicine in Cleveland, Ohio. Dr. Tenpenny is a graduate of the University of Toledo in Toledo, Ohio and received her training as an osteopathic medical doctor at Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine in Kirksville, Missouri. Dr. Tenpenny is Board Certified in Emergency Medicine and Osteopathic Manipulative Medicine. She has undertaken many advanced courses in alternative medicine, including acupuncture and complex homeopathy.

Prior to her career in alternative medicine, Dr. Tenpenny served as Director of the Emergency Department at Blanchard Valley Regional Hospital Center in Findlay, Ohio, from 1987 to 1995. In 1994, she and a partner opened OsteoMed, a medical practice in Findlay limited to the specialty of osteopathic manipulative medicine. In 1996, Dr. Tenpenny moved to Strongsville, Ohio, expanding her practice to include traditional, complementary and preventive medicine. Dr. Tenpenny is board certified in three medical specialties. She was boarded in Emergency Medicine from 1995 to 2006. She chose to not re-certify in Emergency Medicine – a time consuming and expensive undertaking – because she never plans to work again within Emergency Medicine. She has been board certified in Osteopathic Neuromusculoskeletal Medicine (AOBNMM) since 1995 and became board certified in Integrative and Holistic Medicine in 2012 (ABIHM).

Remember Friends, The Power to Heal is Yours!

Trinity Health Freedom Expo Oct 26-27 2019 Tinley Park, IL

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What would you like to hear from The Robert Scott Bell Show in 2019? Call us at 1-866-939-BELL (2355) and let your voice be heard!

Need it faster? Want to know as soon as content is added? Want the daily show notes? Click here to subscribe to The Robert Scott Bell Show content feed!

Listen live here 3PM-5PM EST: Talk Stream Live

Previous episodes of the Robert Scott Bell Show: SoundCloud or Natural News Archive for the older shows.

You can now support The Robert Scott Bell Show by buying your supplements at the Natural News Store!

Aloe Vera Gel 3-Pack Special Includes FREE Youth-Derm® – thanks Stockton Aloe1, Inc.!

How does 15% off on EVERY CBD PRODUCT SOUND? Right now for just RSB Show listeners. Click Here, or call CV Sciences at or 855-PLUS CBD. Use code RSB15 to get 15% off any products!

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What keeps RSB and TMB strong through the stress of travel and colder winter months? Better Way Health Beta 1.3-D Glucan! Call them at .

What does RSB drink? Visit Robert’s Water to find out more! ECHO 9 hydrogen-enriched water is even better! Call 1-800-337-7017! For a limited time only, Paul is opening pre-orders for the ECHO 9 unit at the same price as the ECHO 7, yet it produces an astounding 35% more molecular hydrogen (H2)! Plus you still get an additional RSB Show discount! Call now!

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What’s the only kind of silver I take? Sovereign Silver. It’s now available in the Natural News Store! Have you tried the First Aid Gel yet? No more Neosporin.

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tortuga-aak · 6 years

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Shark Tank star Barbara Corcoran reveals how getting dumped for her secretary and sending 1 gutsy email helped turn her into a business mogul

Samantha Lee/Business Insider

Brian Ach/Getty

Before taking a $1,000 loan at age 23 to go into real estate, Barbara Corcoran was working at a diner in New Jersey - one of over 20 jobs she had while growing up.

With that initial $1,000, she built The Corcoran Group, a real-estate behemoth she sold in 2001 for $66 million.

From there she fought for a role as one of the hosts of "Shark Tank," now in its ninth season.

Before finding fame on "Shark Tank" and before building her New York real-estate empire, Barbara Corcoran was one of 10 kids in a working-class New Jersey family.

“We watched my father get fired and hired and fired and hired — he must have interviewed well,” Corcoran said on Business Insider’s podcast, “Success! How I Did It.” “He would always come home and tell the story as to why he was fired, and it always came down to the same bottom line: He would tell Mr. Stein where to take that job and shove it up where the sun don't shine, and we'd go, 'Yay, Dad!'”

If nothing else, she learned how to take a risk. She started with a $1,000 loan from her then boyfriend to go into the real-estate business.

They broke up, then the company broke up, and she built her half into the Corcoran Group, a real-estate behemoth that she sold for 66 million dollars in 2001. From there, she landed a spot co-hosting the hit reality-TV show “Shark Tank.”

Corcoran discusses all this and more in the episode, including how she stands out in a competitive field. Her advice was pretty controversial:

“I wore bright-colored suits, short skirts, I had great legs — that was my best asset. I flaunted them, no doubt about it.”

You can listen to the podcast below:

Subscribe to "Success! How I Did It" on Apple Podcasts, RadioPublic, or your favorite app. Check out previous episodes with:

Former White House press secretary and Fox News host Dana Perino

Zillow CEO Spencer Rascoff

Lyft president John Zimmer

Celebrity chef José Andrés

Following is a transcript, which has been lightly edited for clarity and length.

Business Insider

Alyson Shontell: Thank you so much for coming, Barbara. Really excited to have you. I understand you are from New Jersey, from Edgewater, right across the river?

Barbara Corcoran: A stone's throw away.

Shontell: Exactly. And from what I understand, 10 kids all fit in a two-bedroom house with one bathroom?

Corcoran: Yeah, but you have to remember, my mom was super organized. She organized us — it was run like a boot camp. She had a place for everything, and we made a mess like every other kid in town. But when my mother cracked the whip, boy we knew where to put things. We knew how to do it fast she's very organized.

Shontell: And you were the second oldest, right?

Corcoran: Second oldest, but I'd like to say I'm the smartest. Not really. I'm the second oldest and the shortest in the family, and that always made me try harder.

Shontell: And nine out of 10 of you are entrepreneurs?

Corcoran: Nine out of 10 are entrepreneurs. Yes. We all kind of grew up thinking we don't want to work for somebody. I had 20 jobs before I started my real-estate brokerage firm when I was 23.

Shontell: What were some of those jobs?

Corcoran: I was a playground supervisor. I was an assistant lifeguard at the kiddie pool. I was a dispatcher for the Bergen Evening Record delivering papers at night. And you know we dropped the bundles at night you drive the truck. That was fun.

And the most important thing that I learned the most from was waitressing. I had so many waitressing jobs. You had to keep everybody happy. It was a commission-based business. If you smile, you made people happy, you got a bigger tip, you had to do five things at once. You had to stay organized. I learned a lot through waitressing.

Shontell: And it seems like your mother was a particularly big influence on you. She was really organized she ran that house of 10 kids. Like it was nothing.

Corcoran: She was a drill sergeant.

Shontell: And so what kind of lessons did you learn from her that you think have helped you in your career?

Corcoran: Well, I really did a mimic of my mother in building my brokerage firm. I ran the firm exactly how my mother ran the house. We were super organized. We had a place for everything. And I can tell you the minute you have more than one or two people working for you, efficiency has a lot to do with building a big company.

On top of that, and probably the more important gift I got from my mom, was my mother was very inspirational. She would decide what your gift was, as a child. She would name one thing. For me, she said I had a wonderful imagination. And then she would cast you in that role in the family unit, which was like a small town.

And I am great at spotting the gift, and people I could interview — someone who's trying for a bookkeeping job and totally convince them they'd be a star salesman. Which doesn't fit into their résumé, but it sure fit into them. So I think those two things help me build my business more than anything else.

Shontell: And one thing that I think you've talked about some on "Shark Tank" is that you aren't drawn to the rich kids.

Corcoran: I'm a little biased — it's terrible because I have two rich kids now! Let me tell you, if you don't have anything, you have a huge advantage over the rich kid. I feel bad — I shouldn't say this but — I think a poor kid has a better shot than a rich kid. So my bias toward the poor person coming up is they're usually hungrier. They're more injured. They have more to prove. They haven't been given a lot of privilege in their life to make their landing softer. So they've had a few bumpy endings and they're used to failure, and, my God, what's more important in building a business than failing?

It’s not that I don't like rich kids. I love my children, and they’re rich kids now. But I think they, with their good education and the coddling that even I've given them and their father is giving them, makes kids a little softer in the belly.

Shontell: So how do you think about that as you're raising them into great adults?

Corcoran: It's a tough one. The values I learned in my family was my mother and father loved us to death and would do anything for us. I'm that kind of a parent of course for my children. But what we also saw without even trying is what struggle was all about and what team-menship was all about, and what ignoring the negatives and focusing on the positives is all about.

With my children, I try to go out of my way to teach good values, and I think they're not spoiled kids — I hope to God you know, and all I know is I am doing the best I can — but where did they really learn those values? They stepped into my life, older in my life, when I had a lot of money. I had my first child at 46 and my second at 56 - they stepped into an affluent lifestyle. And so where would they learn those struggle values? They don't see it among their friends. Right? And so what I do is I try to demonstrate how hard I work for what I do. I'm working as hard now as I ever worked. OK? And I certainly am older than most people working this hard, OK?

My son, when he was 17, and he called me from the street and said, "You know, Mom, my shoes are pretty bad, my loafers for school. Do you mind if I buy a new pair of loafers?"

I said, "Well, that's so nice of you to call and ask of course! Go ahead — buy those loafers. No problem." And I really hung up the phone thinking, "Wow, did I do a great job!"

Well, an hour later, he walks into the house with a shoe bag — they were $600 loafers! And he walked in and trotted by and goes, "Hi, Mom!" and I see that bag and I want to kill him. I'm, like, "You didn't say you were shopping for those loafers — you said 'loafers'! Do you know how old I was before I had that brand of loafer!"

And he says, "Mom, if you want me to have your values, you could raise me in Edgewater with 10 kids. Rather than Park Avenue with the maid. And I thought, 'Shit. That's kind of true.' Like, how does he learn those values? You know, all the kids at school had expensive shoes on.

And so I tried to do my best by kindness to other people, always being even-handed to everyone. I don't care who they are. I treat everybody the same, and of course not to think they're more important than the next guy. That is such a terrible trait in people, and it can happen very easily when people do well and make a lot of money. Too easily I'm afraid.

How Corcoran turned $1,000 into a real-estate behemoth

Gail Abrahamsen

Shontell: So let's talk about you getting your start in real estate. Tell me who Ramone Simone is.

Corcoran: Oh, well, he was the dream date that walked into the diner, the Fort Lee Diner one night, and offered me a ride home. I hadn't had a boyfriend until then. I was 21 or 22. Within a year he suggested I'd be great at real estate. I was working as a diner waitress. I quit that started working as a receptionist for Giffuni Brothers in New York answering the phone: "Giffuni Brothers! Giffuni Brothers!" And then a year later he said, I should start my own company. He'd give me a thousand dollars and he'd take 51% give me 49%.

And so that became the birth of Corcoran-Simone company. His name was Ramone Simone. I later learned his real name was Ray Simon — he just put "E" and an accent on each one it looked fancy.

And then seven years later of course he came home one night and said he was going to marry my secretary. So that was such a shocker. Like, I thought, we were an item, but we weren't anymore. And so then, probably a year after that, I ended that company when I found the courage. Again — what did I have to lose? Not that much. And start again as the Corcoran Group, and that was the beginning of my own firm.

Shontell: If I think about starting a thousand-dollar business right now —

Corcoran: That was then.

Shontell: That’s right. So I think with inflation that's $5,000?

Corcoran: Yup, $5,000.

Shontell: So how do you what did you do with that money? You bought some ads in The New York Times.

Corcoran: Well, I plotted it out. Remember I had an organized mother who made ends meet, and I watch her operate, you know, for Christmas gifts and things like that. What I simply did is I took that thousand dollars. I found out what an ad in The New York Times was. I forget what it was then, but let's say it was $12 for an ad, a three-line ad — that was the minimum ad. Most people were doing five lines but you could get a three-liner, OK? If he didn't use bold type on the header, OK?

So then I got started that way placing my first ad. But what I did, because I had so little money, is very carefully placed that first ad. And so I went back to Mr. Giffuni and asked if I could have one of his listings to advertise, and he gave me the one next to 3L, the super's apartment. Next, J was something where the super was.

And I went into it — it was an L-shaped living room like every other apartment in New York with a small bedroom in a doorman building. And I looked and looked and looked at the New York Times ads and saw there were hundreds and hundreds "One bedroom 320 month," "One bedroom 330 a month," "Doorman one bedroom: 340 a month," and they all looked alike. And so I went back and said, "Could you build a half wall between the L and the living room so I could advertise as "One bedroom and den"? So that Sunday, my ad went in even before the wall was built, "1 BR Plus Den: 340." It fit on one line, right margin, and I probably got 80 phone calls that next morning.

Because it was a gimmick. Because why would you call on every other ad if you get a one bedroom for $340 when you get a one bedroom and a den for 340? And you know what: Within the first two days I had a check for $340. So I always doled it out and you know even until I sold my business when I had a thousand people strong as sales agents I still use the exact same methodology. I was always running against the clock thinking, "Well, at least I have nine months now, I have 10 months now," and carefully keep my overhead and spend every dollar like I was poor.

Shontell: So Ramon does the stereotypical ex thing. He's got 51% of the company. You have to split it in two then.

Corcoran: I put the rules down. I said, "This is how we're going to end the business. You picked the first person. I'll take the second." We divide our receivables, we divide our cash — the little we had. And then I moved two floors above him in the same building. I went immediately to my landlord to ask for a new lease on another space and it was a tough market. He happily gave it to me and it was cheaper than my other lease by a few hundred dollars a month. And I loved getting out of that elevator with Ramone Simone and his new wife every day and saying, "Sorry, I'm going up."

Stupid ego lifts that you do in life, right! But somehow that made a difference. If I was below him, psychologically it would not have been good.

Shontell: And from what it sounds like, he said to you on the way as you guys are closing the business and closing the relationship, "You'll never survive without me." Which still sounds like it burns a fire in you today.

Corcoran: Oh my gosh. It's almost as heated as the day I heard it. When I walked out the door that Friday afternoon to start my new business on Monday morning, he said, "You know, you'll never succeed without me." In his giving me those words a funny thing happened. It just hit me in the gut and I felt that fever in my body like, "I'll be damned if you ever see me not succeed." I felt like I would kill not to let that thing happen.

And you want to know? He gave me an insurance policy. Some people are motivated by insult. I happen to be one of them. I've succeeded on a lot of difficult situations by being insulted, even on things that I don't really want, just to prove somebody wrong. Isn't that sicko?

Shontell: So he burns this fire and you thrive off it.

Corcoran: I thrive off it, thank God.

Shontell: Yeah, and eventually you build this company to a $66 million exit. What were some of the important steps you took to make sure that he wasn't right about you, that you were going succeed?

Corcoran: Well, to stay in business as the No. 1 charge. I mean, you know, in real-estate brokerage, cycles go up and down. So that was the first thing I learned how to do. How the hell do you stay in business in the bad troughs? And what you have to do is you have to be more creative. I mean, whenever something's wrong in any marketplace, any business — now I've learned with many years on "Shark Tank," not just real estate — whenever something's wrong in business, there is some huge opportunity there if only you have the foresight or the intelligence or the need to see it.

And so I remember I got through the closest I got to bankruptcy. I was literally writing the speech and making sure I had everybody's name to thank everybody, for the Monday meeting, and bingo, as I'm writing and I was thinking of the Ramone’s Simone’s word, and bingo I think: "Wait, I could sell those 88 apartments that an insurance company owns who didn't want an auction." It just popped in my head and I went back and I priced them all alike, got the same dollar but I priced one bedrooms, two bedroom, studios, all alike, I sold them for the same price.

And for those 88 sales I went from owing 300 — I remember exactly — $348,000 is what I owed out at that time. And I came in with over $1.2 and commissions within a week. How did that happen? Bad times made it happen. I was desperate. And that's what popped the idea in my head.

And that always happens. So surviving — the survival instinct of what could you come up with, where you jiggle out to get you through, is such — it's probably the most important trait if you're going to build a business. One thing for sure is you’ll have bad times; you can count on that one.

Shontell: It sounds like you built a strong corporate culture. Retention rates are incredibly high. Nobody ever left.

Corcoran: Yeah, we had a happy family is what we have. I did what my mother did. I adored my children. I would do anything for them. I would kill for them. And I nurtured them and I loved them and I tried to give them as much freedom as I could. I pushed them forward, got them to believing they could do a lot more than they were doing. And they did! Because people don't really know what they're capable of. And I made them love each other. I knew how to create teams where everybody got along and everybody respected the different attributes that people have and forgive the ones that were bugging them, you know?

I learned how to get rid of complainers. Complain in my company, I couldn't wait till Friday to get you out, OK? So I felt like they were attacking my young.

And then what I was particularly adept at was what I learned from my dad: how to have fun. My father knew had more fun with our family than anyone in town, even though we had no money to do it. So what I learned in my corporate "culture," if you want to call it — I wouldn't call it a culture; it was just a gathering of sorts — is I learned to make sure everybody was having fun. We had bizarre ... probably today maybe illegal-type parties, I don't even know the way I had people dress for them at all. But we had parties galore. We had spontaneous events. All I did was think of, “What can we do that's fun?”

And when you get people laughing their asses off and drinking too much and dressing in things that they've never dressed in before, guess what happens? You wind up with a creative company, so we wound up being in the creative hothouse as well but we never had anybody leave — except, of course, the people who exited quietly on Friday. "But why — I'm selling. Why? My sales are good?" "'You just don't fit in here baby — OUT!"

Shontell: Yeah, I think you said it well with the complainers. I mean, if you have someone who's toxic in your work environment it can infect all the people around it.

Corcoran: One negative person will take the energy out of 15 great people quietly. That's why I think of complainers as thieves in the night; they don't work upfront. They quietly are zapping you.

Sex appeal, marketing the Corcoran way, and going all out in family and work

ABC/John Fleenor

Shontell: So you had to make it in an industry that was traditionally owned by men. Salespeople were often women; the business owners were a lot of men. How did you do that? And I know that you've talked about some tactics you've used: I think you've talked about sometimes playing "the dumb blonde" card.

Corcoran: Yeah, that's always useful. Or "the dumb anything" card. People underestimate you.

Shontell: Sometimes, like, even "the sex appeal" card.

Corcoran: Of course! I wore flashy bright-colored suits, short skirts, I had great legs. That was my best asset. I flaunted them, no doubt about it.

Shontell: So do you think that would fly today if you were building a startup? Because like now we've got to deal with things like Harvey Weinstein, and Donald Trump even, and there's this whole focus on women and sexual harassment by powerful men. I mean, do you — would you advise that same sort of strategy today?

Corcoran: Of course you know all that is is marketing, good marketing. What is good marketing on any level, whether it be individual or for a corporate campaign? Marketing is a point of difference. How do you stand apart from the pack? Who wants to be like the rest of the pack? You don't get noticed. You could spend all the money in the world on it, you won't get noticed, all right?

So any opportunity you have to stand apart from the pack — which starts with you, if you're owning the company, you're the leader of the company, you're a billboard. As are your managers. So yeah, you have to use whatever you have. And that happens to be what I was particularly adept at: marketing. I knew how to work angles and market.

So sure, I would do the same today. The great advantage I had — and still have, because I travel mostly in a man's world still — is just by being a woman. I stand apart from the pack. I never saw it as a liability. I saw that as an advantage. Like, "Look, I'm the only girl in the room." They might not remember my name but they'll say, "The girl in the room," where they wouldn't say, "One of the 50 boys in a room." Right? So no, I think you just have to play up whatever you can to get positive attention, because attention brings business.

I got very good at creating noise in the press, cause story ideas — from the "What's happening in the market" to "Teaching dogs how to shake hands in Central Park so we could get them through the co-op board." Stupid stuff like that. Or smudging an apartment, rang bells, and burned incense — because the apartment couldn't sell — and getting the New York Post and The New York Times are up watch it. All that nonsense stuff. Why? Because our name was always in the paper.

Shontell: Do you think that you can get ahead just by brains instead of beauty now as a woman?

Corcoran: I don't think anyone — listen. Think about what a consumer has: They have ears, they have a mouth, they have a nose, and they have eyes. So you're asking, can you get ahead trying to ignore the eyes of the consumer? No. The eyes of the boss of the colleague? No!

You're in a visual world. No, you have to use everything. You have to be well-spoken, communicate clearly so people aren't trying to figure out what the hell you're saying. You have to look good. You have to look the part. You even have to smell good — you can't go into work smelling bad — you're not going to get ahead on that one right. So you've got all your barrels going. You know, you just have to use every advantage you can.

Shontell: Yeah. OK. Um, so, let's see. I think that --

Corcoran: And lucky for you, you're good looking. Now I ask you: Do you think that would be an advantage here, that you look exactly like the girl next door?

Shontell: I agree with you. I've definitely found myself underestimated because of how I look.

Corcoran: Yes. You look pretty and sweet. So 'smart' wouldn't be the first word, someone wouldn't say 'god, she looks smart. They'd say first, 'boy she's pretty.'

Shontell: Thank you. But I do find that it works to my advantage and that people, especially in interviews, if you're interviewing a man they might underestimate you.

Corcoran: But you know when they realize they're wrong? When they see that steely gaze looking at me. You are absolutely spooky and scary.

Shontell: Oh good.

Corcoran: You don't break eye contact ever, OK? That's when they go 'uh oh! We got something else here.'

Shontell: So yeah, no, I understand the instinct. But I was curious for your perspective. Thank you. So I know you mentioned you started your family after you had a hugely successful career. And I read that you did IVF.

Corcoran: Seven times actually. Yeah, I’m glad I had the money.

Shontell: Exactly.

Corcoran: A lot of people don't.

Shontell: Exactly. And I've heard people say now that they think that IVF will actually be as empowering for women who are in their careers as birth control and things like that.

Corcoran: More empowering.

Shontell: Yeah, because it basically makes it so that you could have kids later and essentially become like a guy.

Corcoran: It puts you in charge. You know, I know a lot of young women two generations down, early 30s, serious about their career who are producing eggs and banking them. I mean, that would have sounded absurd years ago, but I'm all for it. I just think anything that you can be in charge of yourself about is always good for everybody, not just you. The future kids you will or won’t have, your colleagues, the people you associate with. I just am so much a believer in not giving away your power to the universe, see where it will land. You know?

Thank God that I was able to take control back when I couldn't get pregnant and have children. I did it with the help of my baby sister, honestly. In the end she produced the fertile eggs. All five of my sisters volunteered but I took my youngest, the one who is in best shape with the best grades. I'm like, ‘OK, this is an opportunity to create the best baby.’ And so thank God.

But then also I didn't want to go back there again, but wanting more children I adopted a child. I mean, no, I'm all for anything that is going to put the power in anyone's hand — man, woman, child. I mean, so you can make your own life as you wish it to be.

Shontell: And did you find that it was helpful to establish yourself to rise to the top of your career before having a family?

Corcoran: Helpful?! It had to play out that way. If I'd had my brokerage business and had kids on the side, I would have certainly made a good living as a real-estate salesman and perhaps had a smaller firm, but I would have put my kids first. It's instinctive really, when you have any children and a job; in the end the children feel more important, and they are. Well, that's my opinion.

So I could have never built a Corcoran Group if I had had children earlier. Never. It was meant to be. I kind of lived life like a free man, like a bachelor, I did whatever I wanted. I could put myself at risk. I think that I lived life kind of in reverse: I went all out on building my career. And then when that chapter — when I wanted to wind down, I went all out on building a family. But of course little did I know that I would be all out on both in short order.

Were it not for one email she 'spent 8 minutes writing,' Corcoran never would have been on 'Shark Tank'

"Shark Tank"/ABC

Shontell: That's great. I'm glad it all worked out for you.

So let's talk about your "Shark Tank." You were obviously a hugely successful businesswoman. Now you are a hugely successful investor in tons of startups and nine years of "Shark Tank." It's amazing — congrats.

Corcoran: No, it's great. I can't believe it's been nine years; it feels like four. But that's what happens when you're having a good time.

Shontell: Exactly. So at first you didn't get the job, right?

Corcoran: Well, actually, I was offered the job, and I took the job and signed the contract and sent it back without even reading it. That's how excited I was about getting my first gig, you know? And after all I had never been to Hollywood — "I'm going to Hollywood!"

Shontell: You had never been to Hollywood?

Corcoran: Never! I never been to California, but I think I told everyone I knew I'm going to Hollywood — I'm going to Hollywood!

Egg on my face of course. They call and say they've changed their mind; they've invited another woman for the one female seat. I just couldn't believe it. It was like Ramone Simone all over again. It really felt like that, like how could that be? How could that be?!

At least I had the presence to get angry, right? And sit down and write a very potent text to Mark Burnett who owned the studio. And I had the people sense to make his assistant promise me over the phone that if I wrote it she'd print it out and how to walk it over to him. And I think I opened it with — I should have this on my wall in my office because it's one of my proudest accomplishments — because it made a nine-year difference in my life. Think about it: Just for writing an email that took about eight minutes. OK, but it was really more than that. I was standing up for myself. That's why I earned it. I feel in hindsight now.

But anyway, the first line I think I said, "Mark, I understand you've asked another girl to dance instead of me and I appreciate you keeping me as a fallback." How insulting! Who wants to be a fullback? But anyway I said, "But all of the best things have happened in my life on the heels of failure starting with Sister Stella Maria who told me I'd always be stupid because I couldn't learn to read or write. I'm not stupid."

And I said, "I hope you invite both women to compete for the seat and I expect to be on the plane on Thursday," and the next day I got the call: "OK, we'll let you compete for the seat." Thank God.

But the importance of standing up for yourself. I had learned that over and over again because even if it doesn't work you feel self-pride. You'd think if you really tried something and you didn't get it that you would feel embarrassed but I never found that to be the case. I felt self-pride that I tried and then of course so many tries you wind up getting a few yeses along the way and this happened to be one of those yeses.

Shontell: And as you said sending one email that took eight minutes changed nine years of your life.

Corcoran: Yeah, but it was an act of courage, you see, or an act of persistence or obstinance or craziness. Call it what you want, but it was a very little effort, but it was born out of a lot of years of experience of learning to persist and getting back up, you see? Or I probably would have rolled over maybe and cried. But I was near tears honestly because I couldn't imagine why something I envisioned — I already had bought two new suits and signed autographs. I thought I was going to be like a Hollywood star. I think I got the movies mixed up with reality TV somewhere there.

But I just couldn't imagine that what I had envisioned wasn't going to come true because any time I dreamt of anything from the first day of dreaming about being the queen of New York real estate I saw it in my mind as clear as it happened 25 years later. So I saw everything so clearly and I thought, "How could that be? I saw this clearly! How could this be?" And I think it was that disbelief that got me to write down or write that damn e-mail.

Shontell: Well, congrats. Huge win.

Corcoran: Thanks you.

Shontell: So I was reading actually in the Sony leaks there was an email from Mark Cuban about salary negotiations on "Shark Tank." It feels like he thinks he's irreplaceable. I mean, he was given, I think, $30,000 an episode for season five.

Corcoran: He was insulted.

Shontell: He was very insulted. And he actually wrote to the producers and said, "Start taking me out of the promos now."

Corcoran: Yeah.

Shontell: Do you have that same tactic when negotiating something like a salary for the show?

Corcoran: No, you know, I'm not as — I'm more clever than I am smart, actually. I'm a little foxy. What I did is found out who Mark's attorney was a couple of years ago, because he's the biggest man on campus, if you think about it. He's the only billionaire on set — right away that qualifies him as the biggest guy on campus, in my opinion. OK? We're all millionaires, measly millionaires. He's a billionaire. That’s a big difference.

But what I did immediately is find out who his attorney was and hired the same woman. She's about 6-feet-2 and intimidating! Smart as can be, scary when she walks into the room. So she negotiates both contracts. I mean, that's my sneaky way of like being tough. Like, "Let me let me grab onto who's got a tough person and go for the ride!"

Shontell: Smart. It works.

Corcoran: Yeah.

Shontell: So what is the day like on set for you? Talk about when you're filming this show what time do you wake up. How do you get ready?

Corcoran: We spend about an hour in makeup and hair maybe an hour and a half. Then it’s pressure, pressure, pressure get on the set. We shoot from ... we start usually eight in the morning and we finish at maybe 7 at night, so we have generally the 11-hour days. I actually had to think about that. They don't feel that long as they click by. We sit on the set and we're hearing pitch after pitch after pitch. We know nothing about the pitch.

Within two minutes I know I'm definitely out on without even knowing a thing about the business. OK? Because they just fall apart. You can see them falling apart in front of the big cameras in their faces. And so the day goes on and on and on - we're literally exhausted. The lunch is like, I think we have 20 minutes, we're back in makeup and hair. Back on the set. It's a marathon. And the day goes on and on and on. It's a lot of fun, it's very competitive. You're spending real money, which adds a layer of pressure to you because you really don't want to lose your money. You know?

I think Mark had said it last time. I wholeheartedly agree — the hardest part of "Shark Tank" is coming up with a new reason for going out. Because a lot of times basically, my attitude in my head is, "You know what, I don't like you. I'm out," but you can't say that, you gotta go, "You know about those projections."

Shontell: Yeah, that's true. I guess you have to get creative.

Corcoran: I mean, there are a lot of outs in a season of "Shark Tank" — you've got to make them sound all different.

Shontell: Absolutely. Well, sounds like a long day but a fun one. Do they tell you like what kind of personality they want you have, like they say, "Kevin, we want you to be like Simon Cowell of the show" or anything like that?

Corcoran: No, Kevin picks that one for himself. Mark picked the billionaire for himself. OK, you're a big, tough billionaire. Lorry picked the merchandise person, the smartest one on the set that could sell anything. But we're not told what to be.

You know, it's interesting, for the first four or five seasons of "Shark Tank" our producers would always meet with us before the season, "We'd like to see more of this, less of this, more of this, less of this." And it used to make me so neurotic. And then one day Mark Burnett — I think it was season three, when we knew we were starting to have a hit on our — invited us all to his beautiful Malibu home for dinner on the cliff, just like a Hollywood set.

Anyway, we get over there and he says, "Here's my advice: Ignore what everybody says and be yourself" and my shoulders went down. It was so much better to just have to be yourself, and that was great advice, and he's the smartest guy in the whole industry. So I listened to him.

Shontell: So you said when you got out to Hollywood for the first time you thought you're going to be movie-star famous. And I would argue that you are pretty much there. Like I think you're a household name at this point. Everyone knows you as Barbara Corcoran businessperson and Shark. What's it like to be famous? Is there good, is there bad?

Corcoran: Well, fortunately for me, I love people. So I'll talk to anyone and really enjoy the conversation, not pretend to enjoy it, because I find people eternally curious, odd, interesting in every way. OK? And so with having people constantly come up and talking to you like they know you. The minute they introduce themselves like you've been pals.

So it can intrude on your personal life, so I don't go out for restaurant owners anymore, period. It's work because I just have to really pose for selfies, right? I don't do a lot of things. I don't do parties anymore. 'Cause I almost feel like a paid entertainer. I don't do a lot of stuff anymore. But it's all right with me because I'm really a homebody want to be cooking myself. I want to be home with my kids and my close friends and family, so it works out. Yeah, so that's what it's like.

Shontell: Bringing it back to the entrepreneurs. You've made a lot of investments and you've made a lot of impact on their businesses. And by now you've seen so many people. What what’s your advice for people who want to start their own thing, to get going, and what is the trait that you see them at most the people who are successful?

Corcoran: Well, I'll do it and reverse. The successful trait is identical in every one of my most successful businesses. They're street smart. And when they're slammed they don't feel sorry for themselves. That's it.

I've talked to more entrepreneurs after I've invested within the first of maybe eight, nine months, after the shine of "Shark Tank" is gone after the rush of sales is behind them, where something goes wrong and then I'm on the phone or on a Skype call with them and I hear them blaming it on someone else, like, "The shipment never came in! The guy didn't do this such and such."

Right! It's another version of "Oh, poor me." The minute I hear that, I go right to my wall where I have all my entrepreneurs and frames, beautifully matted, and I hang that picture upside down. And why do I do that? Just to remind myself that I shouldn't spend any time with that person, because they're never going to succeed. Every one of my successful businesses are run by entrepreneurs who are so good at taking a hit and getting back up. They just don't feel sorry for themselves. That's a trait.

Shontell: Great!

Well, Barbara, thank you so much. It's been really inspiring and just awesome to talk to you.

Corcoran: Very easy to talk at those starry eyes you have.

NOW WATCH: How Lyft's president went from taking no salary for 3 years to running a giant startup worth $11 billion

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8 Couples Halloween Costume Ideas That Perfectly Represent 2017

Remember when the internet declared 2016 the year of the dumpster fire? LOLz. 2017 is the year of actual fires: wild fires and hurricanes have decimated entire communities, tiki torch-wielding white supremacists were called “fine people” by our nefarious dotard, and a “fire and fury” threat triggered Kim Jung Un to re-up his nukes. (Excuse me while I pop a Xanax.) The not-even-really silver lining? From Don and Kim to Don and Ivanka, couple costume ideas 2017 are fit to be lit. (Pun semi-intended.)

As I sit here mulling on how many months are left until the world ends, I realize that now more than ever, Halloween is the escape from reality we all need. I for one am pumped to get dressed up and pretend I’m a kid again for one night. Since 2017 is inherently terrifying, why not go the topical route this 10/31? I love a good pop culture reference in the form of a costume. I would posit that a meme-inspired costume will collect 1.5 times as many Instagram likes as your run-of-the-mill movie character duo. You could just wear a Romphim, or you could grab your salt bae, and pick from this list of 2017/apocalypse-inspired costume ideas together:

1. That La La Land Producer And An Oscar

Get the name wrong? We offer 24hr grace periods to correct minor errors. So you won’t be left in La La Land. #Oscars https://t.co/OJfTN8vOrA http://pic.twitter.com/NVtD9TDeB3

— Ryanair (@Ryanair) February 27, 2017

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An oldie but a goodie. In perhaps one of the few moments of “right” triumphing over “wrong” this year— sorry, La La Land fans — actors Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty accidentally announced Damien Chazelle’s musical as the winner of “best picture,” when Moonlight had most definitely won. The cringy-est part? The La La Land producers made it all the way up onstage and cradled their Oscars before realizing the mistake. Woof.com.

This costume is simple, especially if you’re dating a boring-looking dude. Just pop him into a tux and then pop yourself into this gold bodysuit. Make sure to make the envelope that correctly reads “Moonlight” as the winner and feed your partner a tequila shot to give them that “excruciatingly-uncomfortable-but-trying-to-be-brave” look. There’s a reason that “SNAFU” is an acronym that stands for “situation normal: all fucked up.”

2. Salt Bae And His Meat

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Yeah, you knew this was coming. In a colorful moment of meat-dusting exuberance, Turkish chef Nusret Gökçe became a meme god when he posted a video of him preparing a steak. This sh*t went so viral that Leonardo DiCaprio requested a personalized “show” from Salt Bae himself.

Since Gökçe is nothing without his steak, one of you can be the meat while the other can rock the white tee, retro round sunnies, low ponytail, and draw some facial hair on to complete the look. Your real life bae can wear this cheap AF meat costume and you can throw salt on them all night. (Thought: If you are in a hetero couple, have the dude be the meat and you can be Salt Bae because, #feminism? Maybe?)

3. Dr. Phil And The “Cash Me Outside” Girl

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OK, so I’m admittedly the most excited about this because of the dressing up like Dr. Phil part. Still, this strange slew of offenses to the English language was an internet fire-bomb, and it will be more recognizable in a couples costume situation. Your bae’s Dr. Phil outfit will explain why the F you’re wearing those super huge hoop earrings and terrifying claw nails. Add a tank top, make sure your white bra straps show, and straighten your hair to complete the look. Your partner can wear this Dr. Phil wig and mustache and an ill-fitting suit, and you’re good to go.

4. Melania And Michelle On Inauguration Day

Michelle Obama is not impressed by Melania Trump's gift giving ability. http://pic.twitter.com/QxJzQGnQDa

— Adam Johnson (@AdamJ_NBAGL) January 20, 2017

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Melania Trump can wear this or any long-sleeved light blue dress or coat. Michelle Obama can sport a burgundy wool coat. The most important part of this costume? The Tiffany’s box. (Weirdly, you can get them on eBay.) If you’re the “Michelle” in the situation, make sure you perfect the “what-alternate-reality-is-this?” look.

5. The Ryan Gosling Whispering Meme

gosling literally had her SHOOK and ready to dump her fiancé on live television lmao #oscars http://pic.twitter.com/v4KSO8ABFY

— joseph™ (@maloonds) February 27, 2017

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Remember the bizarre “let’s parade some plebes by the stage!” moment at the Oscars this year? That was gross. Still, it produced a great meme that you and your partner can recreate easily. All you need is a gray hoodie, black windbreaker, a selfie stick, and a look on your face that says, “Holy sh*t, Ryan Gosling’s warm whisper is in my ear right now.” For Gosling, a tux and smug look will do. Definitely act the moment out.

6. BBC Dad And His Toddler

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I LOVED this clip and may have watched it upwards of 14 times in a row. The moment the daughter busts into her dad’s home office like she was busting into the club on a Saturday (yes, I stole that from the meme-version of the incident) had me on the crest of peeing my pants every time.

Here’s the thing: You can dress as the BBC dad in any navy blazer and red tie — I personally think you should be pantless in true WFH fashion — and his yellow-shirted, kiddie-glasses-wearing daughter, OR you can choose to be the baby boy who comes in hot on wheels. The second baby seems tricky though, unless you can somehow fit this around your mid-section somehow. (Or put a baby doll in a walker on a leash and pull it around.)

7. The Distracted Boyfriend Meme

http://pic.twitter.com/Ll1gM4N84J

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 23, 2017

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One of the more solid memes of the year, the Distracted Boyfriend costume is super easy to put together, especially if you are in a couple IRL. The “distracted boyfriend” just needs this shirt and the “girlfriend” just needs this light blue top. Add a blow up doll — I’ll let you Google that one on your own — in a red shirt and the meme is complete.

8. Kellyanne Conway And A Couch

I have so many questions about this photo, but chief among them is why nobody is telling Kellyanne Conway to get her damn feet off the couch http://pic.twitter.com/tU0CBS36Fe

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) February 28, 2017

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Ah, yes, the moment we knew we were all in good hands (feet). Putting your feet on a couch in the oval office is perhaps the ultimate “F you” to the haters. The couch component of this costume is tricky, but I found a very in-depth couch-costume manual here. For Kellyanne, wear this dress and skin-tone socks/shoes on your feet. Was she wearing shoes? Who knows. Also, iPhone required.

OK, so that is the best I could do in terms of 2017-specific costumes. I hope you and the Kellyanne to your couch find a ridiculous and relevant costume to match the year we are in. If none of these float your boat, don’t worry, because you know something ridiculous is going to happen between now and October 31. Happy never-ending Halloween, America!

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8 Couples Halloween Costume Ideas That Perfectly Represent 2017

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8 Couples Halloween Costume Ideas That Perfectly Represent 2017

1. That La La Land Producer And An Oscar

Get the name wrong? We offer 24hr grace periods to correct minor errors. So you won’t be left in La La Land. #Oscars https://t.co/OJfTN8vOrA http://pic.twitter.com/NVtD9TDeB3

— Ryanair (@Ryanair) February 27, 2017

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2. Salt Bae And His Meat

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3. Dr. Phil And The “Cash Me Outside” Girl

youtube

4. Melania And Michelle On Inauguration Day

Michelle Obama is not impressed by Melania Trump's gift giving ability. http://pic.twitter.com/QxJzQGnQDa

— Adam Johnson (@AdamJ_NBAGL) January 20, 2017

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5. The Ryan Gosling Whispering Meme

gosling literally had her SHOOK and ready to dump her fiancé on live television lmao #oscars http://pic.twitter.com/v4KSO8ABFY

— joseph™ (@maloonds) February 27, 2017

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6. BBC Dad And His Toddler

youtube

7. The Distracted Boyfriend Meme

http://pic.twitter.com/Ll1gM4N84J

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 23, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

8. Kellyanne Conway And A Couch

I have so many questions about this photo, but chief among them is why nobody is telling Kellyanne Conway to get her damn feet off the couch http://pic.twitter.com/tU0CBS36Fe

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) February 28, 2017

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Subscribe to Elite Daily’s official newsletter, The Edge, for more stories you don’t want to miss.

8 Couples Halloween Costume Ideas That Perfectly Represent 2017

from Meet Positives http://ift.tt/2xuytQ6 via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Meet Positives

0 notes