#like idk how to describe it but it sure is loneliness and alienation

[lostryu]

i need gay rights because literally not a single self-proclaimed cis/het 'ally' understands the alienating experience that comes with being the only gay person in the workplace.

i am a gnc butch lesbian. i use he/him pronouns. when i came out to my manager regarding my pronouns (i had been an open lesbian since the moment of my hire), she told me that she supported me, but she could not enforce or ask our clients to use the correct pronouns for me. she told me it was something i would have to learn to deal with. she never uses the correct pronouns for me unless a person from a different department (who also happens to be LGBT+) is present. she is our HR in addition to manager.

none of my coworkers in my department ever remember to use my pronouns. if i remind them, they go over the top with the "im sorry's" and the "im still learning" and "you know i try my hardest's!" and "i swear im not homophobic!", it has been over 6 months since i came out. if i say nothing, they continue to use she/her (unless that other lgbt+ person from the other department is present, then they miraculously get it right).

sometimes they call me 'girl'. they always flounder and correct to "man-boy-uh youknowwhatimeanright". they laugh it off. they never bother to ask what terms i am comfortable with, or if i even cared in the first place. they don't care about my gender, they never bother to ask. somehow the subject gets changed every time i try to tell them, or set a boundary.

once in a while in a slow shift, the conversation will hop to our dating lives. somehow, it always jumps to how men suck and how dating a woman must be so much easier. they wish they could be gay and not straight. every time, they'll stare at me expectantly, like i am an animal at the zoo. no matter what i say, positive or negative, i must be lying. i cannot be that happy in my relationship, or if i have any issues, they must be minor. if i say 'why don't you try dating a girl then' to their remarks, they'll laugh, say something like "there is no way i possibly could" with that special tone of disguised disgust.

i am a prop, at work. they tell me about how much they love their kids. how they could bring anyone home and they wouldn't care. "they could be black, brown, or purple," they'll say "it could be a woman or a man! I support gay rights!" Then they will talk about how hungry they are, and how they will be going to Chick Fil a for the 4th time this week. 'as a treat'. it is thursday. they talk about going to Hobby Lobby again for christmas decorations, or another sale. sometimes i think i can taste blood.

its june. they talk about the pride parade and how excited they are to see the queens and their 'funny costumes'. they talk about how fun it is to go and watch, how they like the free things the corporations hand out. they don't want to bring their younger kids though. they're not old enough. they do not know that the first pride was a riot. they do not know what happened during the AIDS crisis, how many died. they don't really care when i try to tell them, they'd rather focus on the fun parts of the parade. the spectacle.

i wear a pronoun pin, to make it easier. still somehow no one can get my pronouns right. a client notices it. commends me for "being brave" and "coming out." she never uses my correct pronouns. i stopped wearing the pin after the 11th person asked me if my name on my name tag was my real one, and after the 45th person went out of their way to use incorrect pronouns every sentence. my manager, the HR, did not care.

i need gay rights, but somehow everything got resolved when they allowed us to marry in 2015. to our allies, the work is done. somehow i am left more alone than when we started.

#lost.txt #lesbian loneliness #like idk how to describe it but it sure is loneliness and alienation #somewhat of a vent post #like yes we have made it so far #but our 'allies' have grown very complacent #in their own support and ideology #reminder that being gay is still considered spectacle

[viiavi]

Get to know me tag

3 more traits to add to the 3 that’s been on my profile for a long time now.

I was tagged by @galaxysuede​. Thank you!! ♥

I tag @ceechalla, @vvildhoneypie, @bloomlet, @naelu, @keysims, @shellywellylove, @nolan-sims, @a-kind-red, @simxiety, @frostsims21, @racingllama, @foursims and whoever else is interested!

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Jay

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? Still Jay, lol

3. BIRTHDAY? Summer baby

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES? I don’t read as much as I used to, but growing up, I was a huge Goosebumps fan. Now, I’m waiting for the next book in the Song of Ice and Fire series

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? Yes!

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? Now, idk. But as a child, I loved Mary Downing Hahn.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION?  I don’t have a favorite radio station, but I really enjoy 96.5 with Delilah because I’m an old fart

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? Coffee.

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? amazing

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? "Evan Finds the Third Room” by Khruangbin

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? Bamboozled.

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? Shades of Man by Khruangbin

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? Parks & Rec is good, Breaking Bad, The Good Place.

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? Yes! Not as much as I used to though

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? Failure and loneliness

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? I’m a problem solver.

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? I lack patience

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? Dogs 100%

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Spring

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? Yes!

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? Peace of mind/less responsibilities.

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? My boyfriend

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? Dark brown

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Dark brown

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? My family, my boyfriend, my friends and my dogs

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? Boyfriend, again. He is the only person I can truly be myself with

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? See above. Also, my family and my dogs.

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? Yes! I’m excited for a trip I’m going to soon!

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? Coffee and video games

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? Sailor Moon, Are you Afraid of the Dark, All That

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? I think we already know this... starts with a B, ends with a D

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? I would like to say no, but I am

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? Not really... all of mine are pretty common

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? Both!

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? Gardening

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? I don’t remember. I think a documentary about fragrances

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? Violin

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? Orangutans

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? Look at my blogroll for that.

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? I would love telekinesis/telepathy. Or, the power to materialize anything you desire

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? By the ocean, or when I’m gardening

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? I appreciate the small things in life, so I smile to a lot of things, and would be too tedious to list

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? Tennis

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Water, all the way.

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? A month ago?

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Yes!

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Passive aggressiveness, though I am guilty of it myself sometimes

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? Yes! The latest one I went to was Journey’s with my Madre

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? No, I have to force myself to eat most veggies

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? A scientist

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? Gonna go with Harry Potter world for this

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? Finances and health.

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? I’m a little embarrassed to admit that yes, I still am.

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? Yes! No one is saying I’m good at it though, lmao

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? Once, maybe? Idk, I actually liked school

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? The beach!

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? A little town by the sea

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Yup, I have 3 dogs

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? For a long time, I considered myself a night owl, but now that I’m older, I think I’m leaning more towards early bird

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? Sunrises! I love walking on crisp mornings with the sun just starting to peak through the horizon

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? Yes! And I must say, it is BORING AF

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? Headphones! Earbuds never stay in my ear

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? Yes, for four years

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? Not sure

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? My mom! She is the most patient, caring, emphatic, talented and hard working person that I know. I strive to one day be as good of a person as her

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? I used to. Me, Garfield and Archie Comics go way back

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? Intolerance

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? The real thing. Reading on a electronic device all day makes my head hurt

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English and Microbiology

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? I have an older sister and brother

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A foot massager for my mom

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 160cm

75. CAN YOU COOK? Yes! But I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? Coffee, bouganvilleas, and bear hugs

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? People who litter, broken promises, and when people don’t give me a sufficient amount of time to do/prepare for something

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? Nowadays, I have more male friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? Straight

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? The US.

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? My sister

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Yesterday, while watching a documentary, lol

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? Laura from Garden Answers, lol

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? Nope.

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? The calculator app, lol

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? I’m definitely closer to my mother than I am to my father. My dad and I have had a strained relationship while I was growing up, but now that I’m out of the house, our relationship has gotten better.

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? I love the Creole accent

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? Too many places

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 4 and 47

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? I can juggle one ball

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? Not really. But as I’ve gotten older, I feel a little bit more religious than I was before

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OF THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? That’s a tough question, and definitely not one I can choose between. Both are really interesting

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? Eh, sometimes

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? Dog dander

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? No

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? Only when I also move my entire face

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? Certainly not an easy thing to do, but I admit that I’m wrong most of the time

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? I love both! But I’m drawn to large bodies of water

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? It’s on the tip of my tongue... tip of my tongue 😕

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? I don’t think so, lol

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? Hufflepuff

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? Yes, and I’m not afraid to admit it

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? I’m an introvert, but can be an extrovert when liquid courage is around

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? I used to

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? Yes, wholeheartedly

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Pick it up, look around, call out and probably mail it back to the person who lost it

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? Yes! Everyone is capable of change. Though the rate of growth varies greatly from individual to individual, so the amount of change you may hope to see is often not what you get. Giving people second chances and wanting to grow takes a lot of time and patience.

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? Certainly

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yes, and I hate them

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? My ears

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? Let’s go with Captain America with this one, idk

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? Yes, I have 2!

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Cutting toxic people from my life

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? Yes, definitely

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? I do, though, my simself aint wearing any

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? Absolutely

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? My boyfriend is one of the smartest people I know

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? I took my dog to the groomer’s and she asked for my dog’s name, and brain kept glitching and making my mouth say “Boner”

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? Who hasn’t?

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? Black

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? YES!! I love spontaneity

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? I don’t think so

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 31

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one” - Bruce Lee

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? Savory.

#get to know me

[neongenesisimpacts]

I'm really happy I still have this space, because I feel like there are things I can talk about here I can't on my Facebook. That's nice. Also Facebook can be so much™.

What have I been up to? Mostly activism stuff and feeling lonely/sad/exhausted 95% of the time. But there have been good moments.

1. It's an inexplicable feeling, but me and more I've been really happy that I was able to live here. I think the number one thing that really depressed me about living in St. Louis was my level of connection to others. And in a lot of ways, that's still something I have to work on. I still feel like I'm compartmentalizing a lot of my life here? And I don't like that. But there are people who care about me. Who would cry if I was gone. And that's nice? Don't get me wrong, I'm still a lonely loser who literally spends most of their time outside of work in bed. But there are people here who care about me, as little as I believe that about myself. And that gives me hope.

2. I've actually...managed to get close to two people here. One of them is such an awkward nerd and it's adorable. They're really quiet and withdrawn, and somehow those qualities combined with obviouly nerdy tendencies seem to be qualities I'm drawn to in a person. They're trans and cute, and we cuddle sometimes, and once, even went a little further. But it was at that point I realized two things: First being I was lonely and touch-starved to hell and back and that I, as a person who craves human contact, may react strongly after not being touched or held like that for months. And second being because of that longing, I was moving too quickly with a person I was unsure about, and...I couldn't get into it. It was at this point I affirmed my deminess to myself. I wanted to keep kissing her. I wanted her to continue playing with me and me the same to them. But I couldn't do it. The longer I tried, the more i just felt turned off and weird. And I knew then I didn't like them. The tl;Dr is that I didn't feel like what I looked for in partners was there, but it's worth talking about later. We don't talk a lot, but I can count on them to be someone who will spend time with me.

The second person i've gotten close here is their exact opposite. We never have and never will date, and we just simply happen to be friends, but they're the most important friend I have here. They're outwardly passionate and bright, artistic and impressive, and from the first time I saw them speak I felt so in awe by their presence. They would most definitely protest if they read this, but their passion for life causes a rise in me that honestly has inspired me to stand up here. And despite their trials in life, and how much they continue to struggle with today, they can still manage to smile. They can still fight. Their story gives me hope. They noticed me first after I spoke at Kiwi Herring's vigil, and because I'm introverted and silly, I didn't remember them? But slowly and graduatedly, we started meeting and talking more over what became a backdrop of protests and political actions, and they sucked me in lol. The more I learned about them, the more I wanted to listen to their stories and feel their music. This was a person I really wanted to connect with. And well, we have.

I can't begin to describe the kind of positive impact on my mental health having a friend like them around has been. They've been willing to listen to me when i've been really upset and talk with me about hard things for both of us. They talk with me via text for hours sometimes, and a lot of these days, she may have been the only on I would have ever talked to. And when their partner is gone and they're feeling really bad, we practice platonic cuddling sometimes and cuddling is just so nice???? Like I could write a book on that but this is long enough already.

This person is really important to me. I love so much about them. And it makes me so happy to see them living life, loving their equally wonderful partner and just making it day by day. It really makes me happy just being near them. I hope this doesn't too weird. I'm just really happy I can count on their friendship.

---

I guess from there, it's just the bad that's left, right. And unfortunately for me, I feel like there's so much to work on. The biggest thing I feel right now is that I just feel so burned out. After TDOR Monday and the major role I played in it, I just feel so over activism. It's not that I don't feel like it isn't worth it or I'm against anything. I just feel so disenfrancised and weak and...honeslty scared. I don't feel like my voice is being heard at protests and when I spoke up about, I couldn't handle the attention. And idk, I look at how hard everyone is fighting and it just, idk. I wish I could explain the feeling or alienation and hopelessness I get. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed and my body is just telling me so idk.

I've gotten used to my line of work now, but I have such numb feelings about my job now. It's so not the line of work I want to inhabit. I feel like a lot of what I do here directly contradicts who I am as a person, and in order to not be a crying, sniveling mess like o was in the beginning, I jhst have to supress myself. I also hate my shift (4 PM-4 AM) as it's absolutely terrible who loves the idea and beauty behind mornings. But this job pays the bills. And every adult just expects me to endure it, like hating your job and your life are just normal facets of adulthood we have to put up with. And after a recent brush with near-starvation, I guess I have to begrudgingly agree: paying the bills is better than not eating.

There's a lot of stressors right now: my family, my transness, my everything, but I guess the main idea of everything is that I just feel like the world is going crazy and I'm having to stand up to this brave new world by myself. I've dealt with a lot of my isolation and loneliness and I'm happy for that. I've come back from two near suicide attempts a month ago to really try and embrace the things about life that make it worth living. But in my everyday, I feel like something is missing and I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm afraid of or how not to be. Is it loneliness? A lack of validation, of someone telling me "everything going to be okay"? Fear of my future? Idk.

I'm going to try and hild on to what's dear in my life. Slowly but surely. I'm going to make it through this and live.

#personal #long post #tw suicude #tw death #it's been too long