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ohnohetaliasues · 4 years

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Stones to Abbigale {Ch. 1}

(Kat)

This is going to be the worst thing I’ve ever read, isn’t it?

Am I going to actively want to die? Yes, most likely. But apparently, because I run a blog like this, I can endure suffering.

Flashbacks to Blood Raining Night.

Here we go. We will start with the introduction, written by the onion lord himself.

I want to be direct, my name is Greg. I go by “Onision” online.

Okay, I dunno what it is, but something feels off about this sentence.

This book is made up of events that occurred in my own life mixed with fiction from the made up life of James. James is essentially a better version of myself.

I can’t imagine how good that could be, seeing as the man who wrote this is a child predator and is just an overall piece of hot garbage.

His home, his school & his life all resemble my own at his age.

Don’t ever use a fucking ampersand instead of the word ‘and.’ It’s just bad grammar.

The people James analyzes and is surrounded by are not so unlike those I’ve known as well.

Analyzes?

Why?

I have experienced much of the loss James has however his happier moments are more often than not also mine.

Then write a memoir. Not this.

I want to share my story without it being purely non-fiction.

I mean, some people do this with books about their lives, but this feels... Odd?

I simply felt this approach would make for a far better book. At points I cried while writing this, at others I laughed.

Congratulations.

I don’t care.

Stones To Abbigale is not just a book I wrote, it is a piece of who I am.

That’s a given for all writers, but I still don’t care.

I’m going to rip this book to shreds.

Okay here we go.

I was asleep until I met her, but when I woke, I learned the meaning of "perfect imperfection."

Is this Onion boy trying to be poetic?

It actually made me want to die.

I've always been the type of person to focus on stars as we spin beneath them, the cool breeze on a sunny day, scattered patches of grass under my feet, the world around me, often forgetting to even glance at the one within.

‘The one within.’

Okay so the way this is written makes those three things seem disconnected. I often do stuff like this when I write, but I’d write it like ‘as we spin beneath them, focus on the breeze on a sunny day, on the scattered patches of grass, etc.’

You couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to rewrite that garbage sentence. This is all very waxing poetic and not in a good well structured way.

I had remained emotionally unexplored for so much of my life.

That must’ve been boring, not experiencing human emotions like the rest of us.

You sociopath, you.

It's painful knowing some can go an entire lifetime without understanding their own heart, an internal lock waiting for the right key to change everything.

Yeah, whatever, shut the hell up, you whiny idiot.

This is like an introduction by a teenager who just opened a poetry book and was like ‘yup. I wanna write like that.’

Except you aren’t William Blake or Walt Whitman and you never will be.

Sorry, Onion boy.

Except I’m not.

Die mad about it, grease ball.

It was the first Monday of November. I opened my eyes, blinded by my recently painted wall-to-wall white room. Even my bed frame, constructed of purely metal, was painted white.

Okay, cool. I’m a descriptive writer and I take every chance I can get to mention details, but even I find this description awkward. It feels irrelevant in this situation.

It bounced off the walls causing my eyelids to desperately clamp together. Painting my room like this was a clear act of subtle self-inflicted psychological torture.

Then why in the sweet hell did you do it? Do you enjoy suffering?

Actually, he probably does.

Because this is edgy as hell.

I was going through another phase, from darkness to light, and repeat. Seemed like the story of my life.

This is so edgy I am in physical pain.

You know your symbolism is good when it’s so random that you have to point it out and explain it to your audience.

My mom could see the darker colors were depressing me, I felt comforted by them, but found there were good aspects of both extremes. I was happy to visit either side, they are both so simple. But right now the intense light bouncing from wall to wall felt like it was ripping my mind in two.

Am I an idiot or is that just... word salad?

My mom didn't wake me. My alarm clock sat on my dresser with no explanation for it's failure to function. The clock only illuminated a blank stare with 8:17 written all over it's face. While entirely robotic, I imagined the clock to have the dumbest possible expression, one complementing its failure to behave any way outside its random glitch-infested nature.

That was the worst way to write a personification ever, but okay.

In the reflection of it's plastic face I could see myself unconsciously making the dumb expression I was imaging the clock to have. I laughed in my casual dorky tone and began to get ready to leave home.

I’m not laughing, idiot.

Without breakfast, I left for school with a bogus note in hand to idealistically explain my tardiness.

You... You wrote a fake note?

Do you realize you could get in trouble for that?

You’re an idiot.

I think most of my teachers were too exhausted to worry about small variances in our appearance from time to time. With how low their pay likely was, I imagined there were very few rules most teachers cared about.

That isn’t true at all. Teachers have to pay attention to rules unless they want to get, I dunno, fired.

It was another cold day in Lakewood. The wind hit my eyes forcing tears to form in the corners as I sped along the sidewalk at a no-doubt unreasonable speed.

I cannot imagine any good imagery for this scene. I’m just imagining this gif:

I passed Lauren and Raymon walking the opposite direction, no doubt headed toward the nearby church where all the students go to smoke, make out and hide out till school ends.

Um okay. Does this guy know that if characters don’t have relivance to the story, if they have no reason to be named, than they don’t have to be?

No.

Because he’s a 34 year old man baby.

They seemed so childish as they held hands and smiled excitedly as if they had gotten away with some tremendous crime.

That sentence seems so robotic I genuinely can’t.

Mr. Hanson, my heavy-set, middle-aged history teacher, rolled his eyes as I walked into class. "James, talk to me after class" he said quickly, looking away from me as if I were an undervalued employee who was barely important enough to make eye contact with let alone deliver a full sentence to.

It bothers me so deeply that a new paragraph wasn’t started when this character talked.

"I have a note," I said. He ignored me, and continued his lecture on yet another topic that would not only be completely useless later in life, but wasn't even relevant for even a few seconds after the words left his mouth.

Why is this teacher acting like a petty teenager?

I’m deeply annoyed by this.

And yeah, it’s relevant. You have tests, you idiot. Take notes. And it’s also history, which is, again, relevant.

In conclusion, shut your mouth and stop bitching.

There was only 15 minutes left in the class, but I felt it would be more stimulating to integrate myself into the room to yet again study my classmates' behavior than to sit in a hall watching the rows of scum covered tiles inevitably slide off the decaying walls.

That’s a health code violation, friends.

Or Onion is an awful writer and he thinks describing a school like this is a good idea. My money is on that.

For as long as I remember I've enjoyed seeing how people move around and talk to each other, like they're all animals at the zoo.

Something is wrong with you, friend. Liking to people watch is one thing, but doing shit like this is something else entirely.

Uh, try sociopath-like?

Creepy as hell?

We’ll go with both.

I would try to deliver a more accurate analogy if I felt there was one

Bitch, there is. I can’t name one off the top of my head because reading this makes me feel like my brain is melting out of my ears, but I’m 100% sure there is a better analogy. Even though this feels more like a simile.

but so many of them seemed incredibly unaware of themselves, just living life as if it were some generic predefined routine.

Oh, and you’re so much better obviously, you pretentious bastard.

Sometimes I felt like an alien who had a VIP pass to submerge myself in primitive human culture just for entertainment.

Congratulations, that’s also what you sound like.

I sense everything I can take in around me. The seemingly limitless audible tones, tremors in the voices of growing children rang in my ears. In studying people, I found myself gradually learning to literally feel the various personality types I encountered.

Do you... Do you have psychic powers?

If not, shut your damn mouth.

I hyper analyzed every inconsistent smell, the seemingly random clothing styles, freckles, and assorted hairstyles filled my mind with questions. Trying to rationalize and understand what sequence of events led them to decide who they would become.

You are the most pretentious protagonist I have ever read. I’m half a chapter in and I already fucking hate you.

This character is so poorly written and immediately unlikable. i cannot relate to him at all and if someone does, I suggest you go get some help because how this asshole is behaving doesn’t sound human.

I took favor of categorizing most everyone around me. The socially inept know-it-all, the dumb attention-seeking drama kid

On behalf of all drama kids, go fuck yourself.

and the bleach blonde bimbo who gets overly defensive at the slightest hint of criticism.

Do you mean you?

Onion obviously didn’t let anyone edit this garbage.

Then there were the kids who just hoped no one noticed them at all. There was so much to be seen, to be considered and organized in my mind.

Mhm.

I don’t care.

Class had just ended so I walked over to Mr. Hanson's' desk &

And*

placed the tardy note down in passing. As I walked out with the rest of my class, he called after me. "James! We still need to talk!" I responded but continued to walk outside the room. "I have to be early to my next class! Let's talk tomorrow!"

You’re an asshole.

And I hate you.

I walked quickly down the hall towards my art class, which was awkwardly placed in a trailer outside my clearly poorly funded high school.

Um.

Okay.

On my way to the class a fight had already broken out between two jocks who, no doubt, both had controlling, iron-fisted fathers who brainwashed them into believing conflicts between men are best resolved with the bloodying of their fists.

That’s a bold thing to assume, dear Onion.

These kinds of men plagued my mind with wonder. I could not conceive a scenario in which they could justify their primitive & pointless mentalities yet they would always continue to perpetuate their self-destructive attitudes as if it offered the slightest legitimate benefit.

Oh, shut your pretentious mouth.

Most everyone nearby crowded around the fight. None of them likely cared who was winning, what it was about or how far it went. All they ever seemed to show concern for was their own amusement, always excited to see violence without having to pull out their wallets to pay for it.

Are you joking?

Where are the teachers?

This is complete bullshit.

This is high school, not a fucking fight club.

Does Onion even try to make this believable? Or is he just vomiting all over his keyboard and just accepting whatever nonsense that makes?

As the sounds of flesh collided fist to cheek & chest quickly followed the howls from the surrounding students. They would scream "Oooohhhh!" as if it were sincerely delightful to witness creatures like themselves suffer & fall apart before their eyes.

The use of ampersands is making me lose my goddamn mind.

Even if I had time to stop, I never really took pleasure in seeing strangers hurt each other. Most all fights seemed avoidable and were often initiated for a senseless reason.

Go choke on air. This protagonist annoys me more than any protagonist has. I’m not joking. Fuck this dickwad.

I know, you could say it's more complicated than that, I would like to think it were as well, but reality trumps the way I wish things would be. There's no sense in fighting it when doing so rarely helps anyone.

While this is true, this is worded in a way that’s so pretentious it’s painful and also in a way that paints this protagonist in such a white knight-y way that it makes me want to die.

As I approached my next class the image of Abbi's face illuminated the neon walls of my mind like a projector teasing a theatre screen with fleeting moments of depth & purpose.

That is complete and utter word salad. Stop immediately.

Ever since I met her, she had occupied a part of my consciousness; whenever I wasn't near her I missed her to an unrealistic extent. You could call my longing sad especially considering we had barely talked; she just had a strange effect on me, one no doubt similar to a willful addiction.

That’s called a crush, but the way that was just described is so creepy.

There are people in life which we pass by on a daily basis, barely aware of their existence, but on an exceptionally rare occasion you can find a person who fills an area inside your little world you didn't even realize needed filling.

While that’s technically not untrue, it feels like a lizard person is trying to tell me what having a crush on someone is like.

As I walked up the creaking stairs into my art class trailer I could see Abbi was sitting at her shared-desk, alone, same makeup, hairstyle & general appearance I had thought about repeatedly over the last couple days. She was drawing pictures on her blue-lined paper, distracting herself from the cold that filled the oddly glowing room.

This... This imagery is so fucking weird.

I smiled slightly trying not to be too obvious and sat down on my chilled metal chair positioned a few seats to the left in front of her. Glancing over, I could see she hadn't moved at all, I felt like she didn't even notice me come in.

You aren’t the center of her world, so yeah, she’s focused on something else. That’s just how it is, asshat.

I wanted to inspire some acknowledgment of my existence from Abbi so I opened my mouth to greet her when my fingers brushed up against freshly smeared gum under my desk. "Eeew!" I shouted out on impulse. She looked up at me with a blank expression.

I’ve accidentally touched gum on the bottom of my desk before, as I can imagine everyone has, but I’ve never shouted about it like a lunatic.

Bursting into the room came a group of boys. "Dude I think John's done bro!" one of the other boys laughed, saying "Won't see them for a week at least."

Nobody talks like this. Have you ever spoke to another human?

I looked back at Abbi to see she also didn't react to their outburst. Strangely knowing that her apathy was generalized and impersonal gave me comfort.

There needs to be a comma after ‘strangely,’ but whatever.

Her influence on how I felt was obviously dangerous but I didn't care as no matter how fond I was of the idea that I was not of the world, I knew my place and had no real interest in pretending otherwise.

Explain to me how in the hell that’s dangerous.

Jason, one of the boys energetically praising the fight they had just seen, sat in his seat next to Abbi. I smirked watching her shoulders shift away from him. Her body language sent a loud message that she had the same impression of Jason as I did. He was just another moron, placed on this Earth to live his life completely unexamined,

That word is not used properly in that sentence.

a pawn that had no awareness of its own role let alone that it was just another tiny component within a massive unstoppably twisted game.

Shut your pretentious mouth because that doesn’t make any goddamn fucking sense.

I know it sounds morbid and condescending but my attitude was just something that naturally developed the more I studied human behavior.

Bullshit.

I would be more optimistic but I find doing so would be like walking into a room with no windows and turning out the light. If you refuse to see the world around you for what it is you're just wasting your eyes.

Being optimistic means looking on the good side of things. You’ve heard the glass half empty or half full thing. it’s that. And as someone who jumps between optimism and pessimism, being optimistic isn’t like this at all.

Don’t try to be poetic or funny, Onion. Those are two things that you aren’t.

Art class was about to begin. My teacher, Mrs. Stanley, who looked like she should have retired a ridiculous thirty years ago, approached the front of the room talking about how art is sacred. She also discussed the random object she had us all draw the previous school day and ironically graded it by using her own narrow-minded definition of art.

That isn’t ironic.

I always wondered how teachers could even attempt objectively grading art. Is there any logic behind validating a form of self-expression using a cold black and white mathematical system?

It’s a class where you have to follow the curricula. Shut your damn mouth.

And this is coming from someone who hated her art teacher. But this art teacher was so utterly closed minded that she didn’t accept anyone else’s creative process. She basically told us that if we didn’t follow her process, we weren’t real artists.

"Today I'm going to place you with partners" Mrs. Stanley said as she pulled out sheets of paper outlining our activities to come. "To keep this simple, I'm going to partner you with the person you are currently assigned to share a desk with" she said. I sighed knowing I was bound to be paired up with Alex, a guy I had specifically asked to be seated away from ever since he peed in a jar literally right next to me under our desk, acting like he was so cool for publicly exposing himself while simultaneously urinating.

That... He expected to be treated like he was cool for this?

That’s fucking disgusting.

It happened weeks ago and I still can't figure out what kind of crazy it takes for you to, in the presence of people you barely know but have to see nearly on a daily basis, pee in a jar held in your hand just beneath your desk in the middle of a classroom.

At first when I read this, I thought that the wayit was worded made it sound like Alex forced James to hold the jar while he peed in it, but okay, whatever.

What then? You show it off like you will be praised and accepted as if it were an accomplishment? Alex, despite being borderline mental, was one of my least favorite people to study.

It is actually physically exhausting to read this shit. James is a pretentious asshole.

I couldn't help but feel there was some defect in his mind that invalidated the point of conducting a thorough analysis of him.

This just makes it seem like James has mind reading powers.

He was completely irrelevant when considering the realities of normal human behavior.

Behavior you don’t act according to, you lizard person sociopath.

As I was off on a tangent in my own mind I heard a familiar voice ring out, one that inspired the very same emotion you experience when a song you had forgotten you loved, randomly plays in the background of your daily life. "Can I be paired up with James?" her voice was just as I remembered.

Is this Abbi?

I have a friend who spells her name like this, so I really hate that there’s a character in this shitty book who shares a name with her.

Despite her having not spoken in class in some time, she hadn't changed a note. Abbi had interrupted the teacher just to partner with me, but I asked myself if was it really just to work with me or just to get away from Jason.

Um. Okay.

The teacher, looking irritated but understanding Abbi's discomfort with Jason responded "Alex and Jason, you'll be partners. James, switch seats with Jason" "Thank you!" Abbi said with a slight smile. With a cocky grin Jason stood up and in a comedic fashion smelled his armpit. "Wow, I didn't know I smelled that bad" Jason said as he walked over to sit by Alex.

That isn’t funny and Onion boy isn’t funny.

Approaching Abbi was no doubt a way scarier act in my mind than it was to everyone around me, I felt like my head was burning from the inside out.

That’s a little extreme.

Nevertheless I continued to remind myself that her public outcry to partner with me could have meant nothing. I sat down next to her and did all I could not to turn into a complete dork on her. She reached out and grabbed the project outline that was being passed out. Mrs. Stanley began to read the description of the assignment. "Today you will both be taking something meaningful, but expendable, from your own homes."

If something is meaningful it isn’t expendable. Stop.

Mrs. Stanley looked up and emphasized, "That you own!" then looked back down at her paper. "You will tear those items apart here in class. You will then take those items and, using the adhesives, staples and the strings available in class, find a way to create something new out of those possessions."

That’s actually kind of an interesting idea. But like. Maybe with a cup? I don’t wanna rip apart something I care about.

She looked up and said in a low voice sounding somewhat like Dracula "Two, will become one."

That is unnecessarily creepy. It reads like an innuendo.

Also, what in fresh hell does Dracula’s voice sound like?

Did she say it with a Transylvanian accent? I’m confused.

Jason raised his hand objecting, "All due respect Mrs. Stanley I'm not breaking something of mine for this class."

Jason has the right idea.

She replied putting her hands on her hips, "That's fine Jason. We'll supply you with a toilet paper rolls, we have plenty of extras around here." Jason suddenly looked disturbed and sarcastically spouted "Freaking great!"

Why???

That’s better than ripping apart a t-shirt.

Mrs. Stanley asked, "Are you sure? Your grade shouldn't suffer that much if you two just take Alex's piss jar and tape it to a toilet paper roll. You're already failing this class."

What in the literal fuck?!

You cannot say that to students. No, you can’t say that to anyone.

Jason couldn't believe what she had just said

Same.

and Alex maintained an awkward frozen facial expression with his mouth slightly open in his normal weirdo somewhat robotic fashion.

"Oh my god" Abbi whispered under her breath with a slight smirk. I grinned uncontrollably; just seeing her amused was amazing to me.

That wasn’t really funny, it was just shocking.

I could hear a scream in the back of my mind reminding me my dorkiness and borderline obsession was escaping through my face.

It's not that I couldn't help being in awe of Abbi and basically every little thing she did, I simply didn't want to change how I felt. In a way, she was like your favorite song or book, you could pretend not to like it and in time with the right mental coaching maybe you would sincerely dislike it, but life just felt so much better embracing your condition entirely, letting all your nerdy admiration flow freely.

This just reads like an obsession. I don’t have the energy to actually express how romantic feelings actually feel, but this is terrifying.

Mrs. Stanley continued, "If there's anyone else who has an issue, please take it up with my 1800 number which is?" She put her hand up to the air signaling the students to react but only a couple kids replied aloud with her catch phrase. "1-800-BOO-HOOO" they mumbled.

Sweet Jesus.

So this is what it feels like to lose my mind.

She continued, "Good, now for the rest of class please work with your partner on what you plan to bring and draw up a prototype sketch of what you feel your final piece of art will look like." Mrs. Stanley walked to the back of her room and sat down at her 1950's looking rust-infested desk.

Is this school just a giant health code violation? And what the hell do you mean by ‘1950′s desk?’ All I got when I googled that were pictures of wooden desks.

I would always laugh internally when I looked at the old thing. Maybe it was my way of coping with the fact I attended one of the most run down schools in the state.

I have nothing that isn’t full of curse words and fact checking to say here.

"What are you going to bring James?" Abbi asked.

This sentence is put so Abbi looks like she’s asking if James is going to bring himself without the comma after the word ‘bring.’ Did Onion really not edit his book at all? These are simple and fixable grammatical mistakes.

It was amazing hearing my name pass her lips but I had no time to think, if I didn't respond right away she would think I was totally awkward. "I... have no idea..." I responded. Smiling she said, "I'm going to bring my hamster cage", I asked, "Did he die or something?" she laughed, "No, I never got one, the cage was just a gift from my dad."

But you’re supposed to cut it up.

Hamster cages are made of metal.

Does Abbi just have superhuman strength? Is she going to bring a pair of bolt cutters?

"Your dad didn't get you a hamster... for the cage?" I asked.

My question exactly.

Sometimes you just...

You just gotta give your daughter a hamster cage but no hamster.

She paused and started to lose her smile.

Oh fabulous, she’s one of those characters.

At the first sign of her smile fading I felt a crushing pressure in my chest. "Hopefully you can find something that will work with that," she said. I couldn't help but feel like a total jerk despite not even knowing what I did wrong.

That interaction was so... Weird? Robotic? i don’t know. Something felt wrong about it.

I had the overwhelming urge to fix how she felt so I took a gamble, "Well, I could always bring that weird vibrating thing my mom hides in her drawers all wrapped up in a cloth" I said.

What is wrong with you?

I cannot fathom what made Onion think this joke was funny.

She busted out laughing hysterically as a huge grinned filled my face. I was so happy I could get her to smile again. "Eeew! James!" she continued to laugh as the extent of my grin began to stress my cheeks. I couldn't remember a time when I was this obvious about how I felt.

This... Something is wrong with just... all the dialogue.

And with the formatting. You make a new paragraph when someone starts talking. A 34 year old man should know this. He writes like me when I first started writing, and while this probably means he just started writing, I was 11 years old when I wrote like this.

He is a 34 year old adult. There is no excuse for how bad this formatting and how generally terribly written these interactions are.

Abbi's laughing trailed off and she paused. Turning to me she said, "You... you didn't actu- ally... your moms?"

*Pained groaning.*

I responded, "No, I wouldn't know about that, but I'm glad it made you laugh." She responded, returning to a soft laugh "You're more goofy than I thought James." I sat next to her looking at my fingers interlaced in front of me; my wide smile relaxed but still filled my cheeks with warmth.

This entire chapter, everything here, is so awkwardly written.

As class came to a close Abbi patted me on my arm. I turned and she handed me a note. Instinctively I put it in my pocket and said "See ya tomorrow", she just smiled and walked away.

????

On my way to my next class, I opened the note. I didn't understand why, but it read "NISEONE."

Not knowing what to make of it and with little time, I stuffed it back in my pocket to look over later.

Yeah, that’s cryptic as hell.

Not feeling like skating home,

Oh, we’re really getting into edgy 2000′s shit now.

I got on the bus to see all the normal rejects and misfits waiting. Davis, a short and scrawny kid who had been my best friend since middle school despite being one grade behind me excitedly waved me over.

Oh, good, more terrible characters.

"James! Nice to seeeee you!"

Oh, this bitch needs to die.

he said in seemingly the dorkiest way possible. I smiled as he stood up giving me the window seat, knowing very well by then that I preferred it.

Um. Okay.

As I sat down I began looking out the window, analyzing the little humans running left and right to get on their busses.

Buses*

And I am going to eventually kick your ass for this pretentious bullshit.

Something reached out and caught the corner of my eye. I immediately shifted my head to see what it was and quickly realized it was Abbi standing in the parking lot by some beat-up sedan.

"What'cha looking at James?" Davis asked. Without hesitation I began to respond, "Oh, it's Abbi, she's in my art..." my heart sank as I witnessed a boy I barely knew, named Seth, walk up and kiss Abbi on the lips.

Oh, boo fucking hoo. Get over the fact that she has a life outside of your crush on her.

"James?" Davis said, but by that point his voice was a faint echo in the darkness my mind instantaneously lost itself in. I felt like after a life of numbness I was finally about to truly feel warmth for the first time only to have it all taken away in an instant, leaving me hopeless in the shadows, alone once again.

Cry me a goddamn river.

You angsty pretentious idiot.

Don’t give me angsty word salad about how sad this makes you, I don’t actually care at all.

I looked down at my knees feeling as if I lost all muscle control in my neck.

That isn’t a thing that happens ever when someone is upset.

"Are... you ok?" Davis asked. I responded with hesitation "...I'm... just stupid."

You spoke to her once, you fucking dumbass.

"No you're not. You're one of the coolest guys I know!" Davis replied. I continued my silence as he offered words of encouragement. "Okie dokie, well, you're awesome and should be super happy so if you want to talk, I'm your buddy so... so I'm here to talk."

That’s uh, nice of him.

But the way he’s talking sounds like... almost mechanical? All he’s done since he was introduced has been compliment James.

I was too focused on the con- flict raging in my mind to hear anyone at that point. I couldn't think about anything but Seth kissing Abbi the entire trip home.

Oh, get the fuck over it.

That night my mom was literally just serving lentil beans she prepared on her crock-pot for the billionth time, a fair exaggeration but still, it was excessive to say the least. My sister was behaving as she usually did at the dinner table, talking about how stupid she thought school was and how she couldn't wait for college. "How was work mom?"

I mean, I’m also tired of high school. I’m really done with judge-y teenagers.

I asked trying to keep my mind off the haunting images looping in my mind.

YOU HAVE HAD ONE FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH HER. CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER, YOU BITCH.

Any normal person would express disappointment over the fact that a person they like has a boyfriend or girlfriend or partner in general, not go into a damn depression about it.

"Well, no one at work respects me or listens to me and I generally can't stand it, but you know, we still have food on the table" she said in a stern tone.

That

That is weirdly passive aggressive and mechanical.

My sister barked as food flew out of her mouth, "Well at least it's not high school. I'm learning how to be a successful person from a bunch of low-income losers."

Oh, I guess bitching runs in the family.

My mom replied "Whatever your teachers are, they have full-time jobs, which is more than a lot of people can say." My mom gave my sister Lisa a disap- pointed look. Lisa was well known for showing little respect for hard-working people. To her it didn't matter how much you gave back to society, it only mattered how much money you made.

That’s a very black and white way to look at things.

After the rerun of lentil soup I washed the dishes per my mom's orders and headed to the shower. I sat on the floor of the tub thinking about Abbi, barely feeling the water as it hit my chest.

Sat on the floor... while water hits your chest? Are you like sitting with your back arched so the water can hit your chest?

This imagery is so odd.

I was so consumed with what I had seen that I had completely forgotten the note until that moment. I quickly reached over to my pants resting on the toilette.

Why the fuck did you spell toilet like that?

That’s literally the word for ‘toilet’ but in French. It isn’t a spelling used in English. It just makes you sound even more pretentious.

Also, he reached over to the toilet to grab the note from his pants while he’s in the shower?

It’s gonna get wet, you idiot.

I had hoped I read it wrong the first time and that it would make sense with a second look only to see it read exactly what I gathered in my initial passing glance. "NISEONE"

I fucking hate you, Onion.

This literally looks like you scrambled your screen name up.

Die.

In a fire.

I mumbled to myself. I joked with the idea in my head that she handed me the wrong note but still assumed it wasn't a failed attempt to say "Nice one," which could be taken as a compliment if you were desperate enough.

That joke, while just a little funnier, is still fucking lame.

Seconds into looking at the note my eyes widened, having figured out what it meant, I jumped up slipping to my feet and screamed "YEAH!!!" I had cracked it, only to immediately after feel completely stupid for not having figured it out sooner.

I’m just done functioning.

My mom screamed through the door from her bedroom "WHAT?" I responded "Sorry! Nothing!" I hurried to finish showering.

I’d just assume he got really into jerking off.

I’ll see myself out.

Staring at my phone wearing only a towel, I smiled as I typed in "NISEONE" or "647-3663" into the number keys.

That is the most cryptic and strange way to give someone your phone number.

I assumed we shared the same area code otherwise she likely would have given me a longer sequence of letters and I was right. After two rings I got an answer. "What do you want?" a disgruntled man's voice asked.

This... This girl gave this guy a home phone number?

I guess that’s fine since this is probably set in the early 2000′s, but it’s still odd.

Like a bad engine struggling to start in a monster movie I clumsily belted out a response "I... uh... I was looking for..." An unenthusiastic female voice in the background said, "Give me the phone." "Whatever" he said dropping phone in front of her.

James can apparently see through the phone, or he wouldn’t know that probably Abbi’s dad did this.

"Hello?" I could recognize the voice now it was Abbi.

Trying to hide my excitement by maintaining a normal tone I said, "This is James." Abbi excitedly screamed

Like how girls screamed in Disney Channel shows?

That’s ridiculous.

and responded "Oh my god you figured it out!" Hearing her optimistic tone I laughed saying, "So... why..." She interrupted. "I was hoping to find out if you figured out what you're bringing to art class."

Why the hell didn’t you just fucking ask? Or give him your regular phone number? This is just unnecessarily complicated.

I said "Oh!" and looked quickly around my room. I couldn't see anything immediately so I just said, "I'll... surprise you!" She then replied "Oh come on, tell me." My eyes locked on to a plausible item for the project. "How about my... bear... I'll bring my bear!"

You’re okay with destroying a teddy bear? Okay, I guess.

I said. She replied "Oh, ok, oh! I have an idea. Instead of the cage, I'll bring in a stuffed animal of mine and we'll make like, a zombie bear."

Sounds fine.

I don’t care.

You guys are fucking boring.

I laughed "Awesome" I said. "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow ok?" she replied happily. I answered "Ok, byeee."

I would appreciate it if you would fuck off.

I can’t believe this shit is on GoodReads.

Just before she hung up I could still hear her laughing, leaving me with a sense of accomplishment and a lasting smile as if it were painted across my face.

That’s the end of chapter one?

Oh god, okay.

That was.

Terrible.

The characters are bland and flavorless and I cannot get attached to any of them. I can already tell I’m going to completely despise this.

I’ll see you next time. I need to go think about my life.

~Kat

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spencerreviews · 7 years

Text

June-July Movie Update

TIme again for another movie update. This time for all the films I saw from June through July. I haven’t seen every film that has come out so reviews for Transformers: The Last Knight, Despicable Me 3, and Dunkirk are not on this update. Im hoping to get around to them soon though. Until then, lets dive in.

Baywatch: Skip It

What happened with this film? 21 Jump Street proved that you can take an old TV show and turn it into a fun movie. The people involved with Baywatch clearly didn’t get that memo as we are subjected to a cliche ridden train wreck of a film that is bereft of any humor that was promised in the trailers. Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron give everything they have here with chemistry that is off the charts and even make some truly terrible one liners work, however all of that is undone by the plot. Drugs are found on the beach so the life guards take it as their mission to find the supplier and bring them to justice. Sound familiar? Well it should because that is literally every TV adaptation ever put to film. Baywatch does nothing to bring anything new to the table and despite some truly raunchy moments, there is nothing here to set it apart from anything but yet another disappointing summer movie.

Wonder Woman: See It

Lets be honest, the DCEU has been pretty disappointing so far. But fear not, Wonder Woman has come along and breathes hope into a franchise that desperately needs it. This film has everything a film needs with a tight script, dazzling visuals and action, and arguably the most well cast super hero since Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. Gal Gadot shines here and brings this character to life. Sure she was fine in Batman v Superman, but she carries this film on her own. Not only that but Chris Pine is phenomenal as Steve Trevor and works great with Gadot. My main issue with this film is that the first two acts are so great but the third act, while still good, falls into comic book movie 101 territory. The final action scene is great and has some emotional weight to it, but you can’t help but feel like you have seen it in every other superhero movie. Other than that Wonder Woman is well worth your time at the movies.

The Mummy: Rent It

Okay so if you have paid any attention to the reviews of this movie you wouldn’t be wrong to expect the worst film of the year. However I gave it a shot and this is not the dumpster fire you would expect. While it has its issues, this is actually a cheesy action romp you might enjoy. First things first Tom Cruise should have not been in this film, he doesn’t work and feels out of place the entire time. His delivery is strange at times and the script is so poorly written that it doesn’t help. So right off the bat our star of the film just doesn’t work. However, the actual Mummy in the film is very well developed and you can actually see her as a formidable threat. Russell Crowe is also great here as Dr. Jekyll and adds the world building aspect to the Dark Universe that Universal Studios is building. The action works for the most part and the world that is established in this film is fun but the problem is that is all this movie does. This is billed as a horror film technically but it tries too hard to be the reboot of the 90′s Mummy and the start of a franchise. If the film had focused more it would have been fine but as it is this is best as a Netflix watch.

Baby Driver: Must See

Summer 2017 has been rough but thankfully Edgar Wright brings us one of his best films to date with Baby Driver. Centering around a getaway driver with a hearing problem named Baby who is trying to get out of his life of crime wiht his new girl but runs into problems on the way. Sure that sounds cliche but the genius of this film is in the exection by writer/director Edgar Wright. He puts us in Baby’s shoes like a master and incorporates music, action scenes, comedy, and heart unlike anything I have ever seen before. The style alone gets this movie credit but the pacing and performances put it over the top. Ansel Elgort is a breakout star after this film and shows he is part of the future of Hollywood. His delivery is funny and heart-wrenching at times and I can’t wait to see what this kid does next. Kevin Spacey, Jon Bernthal, and Jon Hamm are also great in this but Jamie Foxx steals the show from all of them. Top that off with a great soundtrack and practical effects and you have a movie that is truly something special.

Spider-Man Homecoming: See It

It only took 5 years after The Avengers, but Spider-Man is officially in the MCU with his first solo film in Spider-Man Homecoming. The story this time picks up right after the events of Captain America: Civil War where Spider-Man is waiting for his Avenger’s call up. However the Vulture comes and Spider-Man learns that, for lack of a better phrase, with great power comes great responsibility. This is the third incarnation of Spider-Man and Tom Holland puts his mark on the character with this film. Yes, he was introduced last year in Civil War, but here we see him take the character on his own. He adds humility and adolescence in a way that really makes Peter Parker more relatable than ever. Michael Keaton also kills it here as The Vulture and is hands down the best MCU villain since Loki. Director John Watts does deliver a great film but there are some issues. The pacing here is the big issue with some problems throughout but when this movie clicks it fires on all cylinders. Plus the supporting cast was good but more character development would have really rounded this film out a bit more. While this isn’t the best Spider-Man movie ever, this is still a great film that serves as a solid foundation for what could be a great run for Holland’s Spider-Man. Also stay after the credits for arguably the best MCU post credit scene yet.

War for the Planet of the Apes: Must See

2011 was a big year for prequels, but no one suspected that now in 2017 we have the conclusion to one of the best trilogies in cinematic history. War picks up 15 years after the events of Rise and here we see Caesar have to dig deep to find out what kind of leader he really is after an encounter with “The Colonel” played by Woody Harrelson. That is a vague summary but trust me the less you know is the better. This movie does what wants and takes us along for the ride. At the heart of the film is Andy Serkis returning as the ape Caesar and I just want to commend him for his work here. He brings so much to this role in performance capture, you feel for him every step of the way. Harrelson is also great in his role and counteracts Serkis brilliantly. Steve Zahn also plays a great role here as Bad Ape and trust me when I say that he brings the perfect amount of comedy into this dramatic movie. Director Matt Reeves has constructed a near perfect film here full of twists and turns that will keep you hooked through the entire film. I could honestly go on all day about how much this film gets right but go see if for yourself and enjoy one of the best films of the year.

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whittynovels · 7 years

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November 9

TW: Abuse, rape

****SPOILER ALERT****

I would give this zero stars if I could. Since I was on the plane when I began reading this, I was unable to snapchat vlog how much I hated it. Therefore, here’s my list of complaints in word format:

• Fallon describes herself as being “obsessive-compulsive” about hygiene. You could just say you find hygiene important instead of belittling an actual mental illness for a hyperbole.

• Homeboy (Ben) eavesdrops on a conversation Fallon has with her father in a restaurant, then when she says she hasn’t had a boyfriend, he SLIPS INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO HER AND PRETENDS TO BE HER BOYFRIEND? WTF THE FUCK? GO SIT BACK AT YOUR OWN TABLE. STOP TOUCHING HER AND CALLING HER LADYBUG AND BABY. 1-800-DID-NOT-ASK AND WAS NOT INVITED. HOLY SHIT I HATE THIS

• I’m tired of every colleen hoover being about a girl with self-confidence issues. Even worse, in this one, the MC has disfiguring scars, which just worsens the fact that Hoover would exploit trauma and burn victims to establish a character trait.

• LITERALLY THE ENTIRE FIRST CHAPTER IN BEN’S PERSPECTIVE IS TALKING ABOUT HER BOOBS AND WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR SHE IS WEARING. WHAT THE FUCK???? HOW IS THAT SEXY OR ROMANTIC FOR A GUY TO BE FANTASIZING ABOUT UNDRESSING A GIRL IN HIS HEAD BARELY TWO MINUTES AFTER THEY MEET????? FUCK ME UP I HATE IT

• FURTHERMORE, (I’ll stop using caps now bc I feel like I’m wearing it out but please do bear in mind that I’m furious) he literally says “if we’re just going to sit here and stare at each other, it’d be nice if she were showing a little cleavage, instead of wearing this long-sleeved shirt that leaves everything to the imagination. It’s pushing eighty degrees outside. She should be in something a lot less . . . convent-inspired” (pg. 24). LITERALLY FUCK YOU WHAT THE FUCK IT’S CHAPTER 2 AND YOU’RE ALREADY DICTATING HOW SHE SHOULD DRESS?????? OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT TO TEAR THIS BOOK APART

• NOT EVEN THE WORST PART!!! A few paragraphs later he starts looking at her scars and he’s like “Are [her breasts] scarred, too? How much of her body is actually affected?” And I get that it might be a genuine curiosity to see her and wonder how much of her body is affected by the burns, bUT YOU CAN’T JUST ASK SOMEONE THAT OR BLATANTLY FANTASIZE ABOUT UNDRESSING THEM JUST TO SATISFY YOUR CURIOSITY ABOUT THEIR DISEASE OR SCARS!!! I literally don’t understand this. This is absolutely disgusting. “I begin to mentally undress her, and not in a sexual way. I’m just curious. Really curious.” (pg 25). WTTTFFFFF??????!!!!!!!!!! this is so wrongly voyeuristic and completely fetishizes her scars.

• I call bullshit on this book. I know romance is unrealistic because it’s mostly just girls’ wish fulfillment, but a straight, not unattractive guy swooping in to save a girl from a verbally abusive dad, buys her dinner, is a creative writing student, etc.? It doesn’t happen. This doesn’t exist.

• I’ve always gotten subtle homophobic vibes from Hoover’s books, but on page 28 MC says “No gay man I know would have left the house looking like you do right now” and just the outright stereotyping and trying to use that to be funny is just gross. Assuming every single gay man puts fashion on an alter is so stupidly stereotypical and I’m angry about it.

• Ahhh. Page 34. He begins to get all romantic and heavy and saying “want to know what I was thinking about when I saw you for the first time?” and we thought we were going to get a touching story about looking past her scars at her beauty but nope. Full paragraphs talking about her ass and him wondering if she was going commando. The objectification of women in this one is so undeniably and painfully real.

• Ben basically navigates throughout this book doing whatever he wants without asking Fallon’s consent and then basically forcing her to do things because he thinks she’s uncomfortable for no reason. It’s just disgusting that the man’s presence in this book is written so much more naturally and commandeering in this book.

• For instance, there’s this entire scene where Ben wants her to wear this really revealing dress and she doesn’t want to but he keeps pressuring her to and finally Fallon is about to have a panic attack and cry and she’s squeezing her eyes shut because Ben is running his hands along her shirt and unbuttoning it (WHICH DEFINITELY MEANS FUCK OFF SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU TOUCHING HER FUCK YOU BEN FUCK YOU) and he finally takes off her shirt and looks her over and it’s so fucking uncomfortable and nonconsensual and totally inappropriate having only met a few hours ago then he taKES OFF HER PANTS AND DOES THE SAME THEN TELLS HER TO LIFT HER ARMS AND PHYSICALLY PUTS THE DRESS ON FOR HER and I just wanted her to literally slice him in half like I’m so done with him. He is the opposite of romantic and if I were to ever encounter him in person I would literally stomp him like a roach. Literally. Fight me colleen hoover and your shitty-ass books too.

• May I just say that when he was telling her what dress to wear, he literally said “I’m paying for dinner, so I get to choose what I stare at while we eat.” Is that not a characteristic of an abusive boyfriend to be so controlling to force her to wear what he wants her to wear? And they’ve only been “friends” for 3 hours?

• Ben literally tells her, 3 hours into their friendship, I quote, “It’s your own fault people feel uncomfortable looking at you.” I can’t even make this shit up. He tells her it’s her fault that she has burn scars, that they make her feel self-conscious, and the reaction people have to them. If I didn’t already hate this character so much I would actually tear him to shreds with my bare hands.

• You wanna know what the male gaze is? It’s a male supposed-love interest saying shit like “There’s just enough showing at her neckline to keep me good and happy.” Because women, their boobs, and their lowcut shirts exist to make men “good and happy.” Barf. Gag. Vomit.

• HE LITERALLY FUCKING SAID TO HER, “ . . . you could very well be as dumb as a rock. But at least you’re pretty” (pg. 57). LITERALLY WAY TO FUCKING OBJECTIFY A WOMAN TO REDUCE HER TO HAVING NO CAPACITY FOR INTELLIGENCE AT ALL, AS LONG AS SHE’S WEARING A LOWCUT SHIRT. FUCK YOU COLLEEN HOOVER.

• There’s this scene where he’s running his hands along her scars. He asks, “is this okay?” asking for consent. Great. Awesome. But she responds “I don’t know.” And he fuCKING KEEPS GOING. NOPE. YOU RUINED IT. GOODBYE. I’M NOT EVEN SURPRISED SHE’S DESCRIBED AS HAVING TEARS IN HER EYES THE NEXT PAGE. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING KEPT GOING WHEN SHE DIDN’T CONSENT TO BEING TOUCHED MORE.

• They start outlining rules for what to do between the time that they’ll see each other again and whereas fallon’s are things like “read these books and have fun,” ben’s is literally, “go on dates. You don’t have enough experience for girls of your age.” Like, great. That makes me feel really good about myself. Great job.

• She eventually reveals that her left breast was disfigured from the fire and literally in the next line of dialogue ben is like LET ME SEE IT I NEED TO SEE IT CONSIDER IT RESEARCH I WANT TO KNOW. Like in what the fuck world is that acceptable? It’s her number one insecurity and he’s such an entitled asshole that he’s like “uhhuh cool but let me see it. Because I’m curious.” Fuck you ben. And fuck hoover for exploiting women like that.

• Every sexual advance after that wasn’t because “you’re beautiful I love you,” it was, “let me take off your clothes so I can see the scars you keep trying to hide.” So disgusting.

• I think the saddest thing is Fallon never stops Ben from doing anything. She continually complies, even if it causes her to have tears in her eyes, shakiness, etc. She has so much internalized misogyny that she allows men to control her and tell her what to do and she contributes it to the alpha male personality in the romance books she reads. I’m so, so upset for her that she can’t stick up for herself, and Ben disguises his exploitative, disgusting, and toxic obsession with her scars and undressing her as concern and love.

• They were talking about their favorite foods. Ben said Pad Thai. Fallon said Sushi. “they’re almost the same thing . . . [because t]hey’re both Asian food” (pg 121) lmao okay…………..

• Fuck the Tate and Miles cameo. I fucking hate Miles.

• “I step forward and shut her up with my mouth” lollolololol I hate this. I fucking hate this. Let her speak. Stay in your own fucking lane. You don’t dictate when she needs to shut up, especially kissing her forcibly to make her stop talking.

• “He kisses me with entitlement” is a real fucking line in the book. It literally just proved my point. Ben thinks he’s so entitled to her body. This is actually a perfect summary of any CoHo book you’ll read. Such arrogant, ridiculous, entitled men.

• After she loses her virginity to him, she literally describes it as she “lost a part of [her]self to the person inside [her] . . . as if the second [they] joined together, a tiny piece of [their] souls got confused and a piece of his fell into [her] and a piece of [hers] fell into him.” IS THIS NOT THE EXACT WORDING OF ABSINTANCE-ONLY SEX ED??? TELLING GIRLS THAT THEY ARE POLLUTING THEMSELVES AND GIVING AWAY PARTS OF THEMSELVES TO MEN WHEN THEY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY????? VIRGINITY IS A CONSTRUCT. YOU AREN’T LOSING ANYTHING. YOU ARE AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON EVEN AFTER SEX. OH MY GOD THIS BOOK IS UNBEARABLE PLEASE MAKE IT END.

• fuCKING GUESS WHAT IT GOT WORSE

• the next morning she was like “I gotta go” and he literally said, I quote, “I’ve never wanted to use physical force on a girl before, but I want to push her to the ground and hold her there until the cab drives away.” He literally threatens physical violence on her. BUT SO CUTE AND RELATABLE!!!! AM I RIGHT???!!!!!

• He actually gets pissed when she refuses to let him move in with her and exchange numbers. Like cry me a river, fuckboy.

• This book is just so outright woman hating. Ben has such frail masculininty. He was like “Fallon said she hates insta-love, but apparently she hates semi-instant love and slow love and love at a snail’s pace and love in general.” Like way to villainize a woman because she wants the best for you???? Horny motherfucker, go take a nap.

• At this point I stopped taking notes because shit was happening every paragraph but here’s the rest of what I remember

• SEVERAL times in this book, Fallon tells Ben “I need to leave” and he either grabs her, stands in front of the door, or otherwise blocks her exit. That’s extremely controlling and nasty.

• At one point she tries to drive away from him but he grabs her keys out of her hand and walks to his own car, forcing her to scream after him and follow him to get them back. He walks all over her life and calls it “alpha male” romance.

• Near the end of the book Fallon’s out on a date with another guy and he shows up and is super manipulative pretending like he’s interviewing them for an article or some shit, but he’s actually just creeping on the guy she’s with because he hates how she’s moved on from him. That’s so controlling and disgusting? Literally leave her alone, she’s with another man? What the fuck? Grow up?

• During this same scene, Fallon is drunk at the bar and Ben takes her, drags her down a hallway, corners her there, demands to know who he is, and Fallon laughs. Hoover continually normalizes and REWARDS this behavior by making the main female character perceive it as humor or protectiveness.

• At one point she tells him “I need to get back to my date” and it literally says that he “lean[s] closer and sandwich[es] her against the wall,” then he says, “Don’t be like that . . . I’ve been through hell today trying to find you.” OH, OKAY, SO YOU STALKED HER, CORNERED HER, AND NOW YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO AN EXPLANATION? ENTITLED FOR HER TO LEAVE HER CURRENT DATE FOR YOU? I hate this man. Fuck his privilege and entitlement.

• At this point I’ve yelled so much. I’m going to try and stay calm for this one because it’s the most serious one. While they are in a bar together—Fallon drunk, Ben sober—he pulls her into a storage closet and they begin making out. Ben initiates this. Fallon is hesitant but complies. He starts touching her, and clear as day, she tells him “Stop, . . . [her] voice louder than it’s been all night.” This is an absolute, loud, clear indication that she does not want to proceed. But what does Ben do? His hands continue to “graze the edge of [her] panties” and he whispers—he fucking whispers to her face—“I’m trying. Ask me again.” He didn’t stop. He. Didn’t. Stop. THIS IS RAPE CULTURE. I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDN’T USE CAPS BUT IN A COLLEEN HOOVER BOOK THAT HAS A 4.45 RATING ON GOODREADS, THE MAIN CHARACTER TOLD THE LOVE INTEREST TO STOP DURING A HEAVY ROMANCE SCENE AND HE CONTINUED TO SHOVE HIS HAND UP HER SKIRT WHILE SAYING, “ASK AGAIN.” (UPDATE 2/18/17: Hoover is editing this out of the book. https://www.facebook.com/AuthorColleenHoover/videos/1585344338145828/)

• At this point in the book, I was done. Then the plot twist occurred.

• The plot twist just secured this book’s place in hell for me. Ben was manipulative. Ben lied. Ben was voyeuristic, trying to see her scars because HE. CAUSED. THEM. This isn’t cute. This isn’t romance. This is a drunk driver running a red light and hitting another car, nearly killing a passenger, and then stalking, abusing, and preying on the passenger who now bears scars because of his reckless behavior. Behavior that she. Forgives. Him. For. And Hoover subsequently normalizes by publishing this book. By publishing this book, Hoover has said, “it is okay to allow men to get away with this behavior if he loves you. If it was an accident. If he had good intentions. If he’s angsty. If it was meant to be.” FUCK this book honestly.

• Fallon’s father, who at the beginning of the book told her “you’re too ugly for broadway, no one will hire you, your career is over, boys don’t love you, etc.” is posed as “misunderstood” and someone who doesn’t know how to communicate. HE RECEIVES FORGIVENESS. FOR THE DESPICABLE WORDS HE SAID TO HER AT THE BEGINNING, HE RECEIVES FORGIVENESS AND AN EXCUSE.

• I have to stop this, otherwise my head is going to explode. I’m not shaming anyone who likes this book, but I can’t believe it has escaped notice of so many people. I can’t believe I’m the only person who’s livid.

This is the end of my support for Colleen Hoover. Her books aren’t going to half price books, they’re going in the trash.

#ignore this #i need to post it here bc my google doc got flagged lol

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jeremy-ken-anderson · 6 years

Text

Save the Cat x Faerie Julius

I just read a bit on the 15 base sectors or ideas in a traditional story structure as presented in the book Save the Cat.

Faerie Julius is a book I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but which has been crippled by lack of purpose and structure, and also by a few foolish decisions that have written me into corners in ways not obvious for a few chapters. An outline of some kind seems prudent, and here we have a structure on offer.

Let’s go!

Opening Image: A snapshot of the hero’s problematic ordinary world, right before the story starts and changes everything.

So far so good. Julius is a man broken by his divorce, who wishes he could rewind to a few years earlier when he had a wife and kids and then just...stay there. The opening image has him working in the basement of the library shelving books and crying.

Set-Up: Further establishing that ordinary world and what the hero does every day, impressing upon the audience or reader what’s wrong, and the idea that something needs to change.

The second piece of setup relates to the other world involved in the story: There are faeries, they have royalty, and something has gone horribly wrong with a faerie prince.

Theme Stated: The truth that the hero will learn by experiencing the story, the statement that will be proven to the audience. But upon first encountering this truth, in this story beat right in the beginning, the hero doesn’t understand or outright refuses to believe it. The theme stated is asking a question, a question which the story will answer.

If I were to express a single theme for this dual-world story, it would be that one must move forward, not back. Julius wishes he could return to a past where things were fine, but the truth is things between him and his wife were not fine even then. This theme is also part of the death of the prince: Faerie royalty cannot be attacked or killed, so our clever villain has enchanted him to swiftly grow younger instead. Soon enough he ceases to be.

Catalyst: The ordinary world is shattered. Something unexpected happens, and this event triggers all the conflict and change of the whole story. Life will never be the same after this moment. This is the Call to Adventure.

The prince, impossibly, dies. Just as impossibly, as a joke he declared a mortal - Julius - his heir in the event of his death (an event he never expected to occur because it’s literally supposed to be impossible). With succession defined, power passes to Julius instead of the villain.

Debate: But for a moment, the hero won’t be quite sure about answering that call. Leaving behind the ordinary world is difficult – even if the catalyst has come along and disrupted everything – because the ordinary means safety, it means not being challenged, it means avoiding conflict and heartache. Yes, that existence they’re stuck in might be stagnant and unpleasant, but it protects them from facing the intimidating task of growth, of becoming something better.

This has multiple points. It is a series of humorous incidents of faeries moving into Julius’ house uninvited. As he is now a Faerie King, his house is now a Faerie Realm, and some of the rules about what that means are bigger than any individual king gets to dictate. Julius can utterly destroy the villain...IF he can figure out who it is before they time-revert him instead.

Break Into 2: And this is when the hero decides to answer the call and cross the threshold of act two, determined to pursue their goal.

By and large this is a matter of self-preservation. Julius is aware that whoever killed the prince probably wants to kill him. He believes (and is probably right) that he needs to muster power as a fey in order to survive the coming conflict, or at least to improve his odds of figuring out whodunnit.

There is a niggling hope that with this groundswell of magic he’ll be able to live out his childish dream of going back to the way things were. This is probably the greatest real threat to him in the story - the hook the villain could use to kill him.

B Story: This is when the relationship – which usually carries and proves the theme – starts in earnest.

Julius’ daughter and his promised wife - the woman who was to marry the prince who died - are both exemplars of the B Story. While he of course has been in relationship with his daughter Kimberley the whole time, their dynamic changes drastically once she finds out about his predicament - She is FASCINATED by the fey who have moved into Julius’ home, curious about their culture and their magic, and absolutely loves the idea that she is now a genuine faerie princess.

Star, the promised wife, gets off on the worst possible foot with him, being the first to enter and looking human enough that he mistakes her for a home invader. In the course of that exchange he says something that, to her culture, is brutally cruel. He doesn’t mean to say, “Wither away and die,” but to her that’s what he says.

Both of these are relationships that - unlike his ex-wife - lead toward an actual future. And both recommend throwing himself into the work of his position as King.

Fun & Games: This is just what it says: the premise promised a certain type of pure entertainment, and this beat is where we get to experience it fully.

The court of faeries is...eclectic. They have a lot of magical power and not a lot of sense and not even an ounce of human morality. There’s a lot of dark humor here, as Julius realizes how close he came time and time again to letting his subjects misunderstand their way into doing things like brainwashing his neighbors on his behalf or locking his enemies in bottles or, in one case, constructing an atom bomb. You know, because they can and it seems neat.

Midpoint: This is either a false victory or a false defeat. Something really really good happens. Or something the exact opposite.

This is a bit of both. Kimberley has a series of hard conversations with her parents and her brother Victor, because she has decided she wants to live with Julius, not her mother Ann.

Kimberley makes her case in an incredibly grown-up fashion, and Ann says she’s going to allow it. Victor is pissed because he takes it as a personal snub from his sister, and ends up saying some very unkind things about his father in the ensuing argument. He is definitely staying with Ann, something Kimberley expected but still kind of stings.

Once the information gets to Julius, he is confronted with the possibility that there is a non-lonely future with members of his family, but also with clarity that much of what was is now entirely irretrievable.

Bad Guys Close In: Forces of opposition and conflict begin to converge on the hero and his goal. Everything begins to fall apart for the hero, the defeats piling up one after another, the main character punching back.

No matter how much he attempts to master the magic of his faerie kingship, only the things on autopilot seem to work. No part of it is hooking onto his will, to let him, y’know, get things done. This is unsurprising, considering that his tutor in the magical arts is none other than the villain.

All Is Lost: This is the sequence where absolutely everything falls apart for the hero. The plans fail, the goal is lost, the mentor dies, the villain wins. All is, quite literally, lost.

The villain teaches him how he can go back to the way things were, tempting him with the false perfection of the early days of his marriage. The spell actually being taught, of course, is only going to send his body “back in time,” killing him the same way it did the prince.

Dark Night of the Soul: The hero’s bleakest moment is right here. In addition to all of the tangible things that have been lost, hope and the gumption to continue with the story have also vanished. There is usually a hint of death here, of some kind. An actual death, or an emotional or spiritual death.

Julius ponders his present relationship with Star, which of course is also a shambles at this point in the story. It seemed as if there was something there - a fondness, perhaps even a hint of romance - but the lure of that remembered happiness with Ann is too strong and he casts the spell.

Break into 3: Ah, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Inspiration occurs, hope is rekindled, courage to pursue the story returns. Usually, this is the moment where the main character learns what they NEED, the truth which will heal them, and allow them to fix their own lives. With this, they are able to snatch victory from defeat.

Julius has an ace in the hole he never knew about: While most of his servants do not care who they serve, Kimberley sure as hell isn’t going to let some fancypants magic tutor take anything over, and, terrifying little genius that she is, she has been mastering magic on her own. Julius loses just a few hours before she stabilizes him.

Then, she presents him with the exact same choice the villain offered, but explicitly with her own spin on things; that the relationship with Star seems like it could be a thing (even when Julius and Star have issues, Kimberley and Star are instapals), that a life surrounded by these crazy fey is not a lonely life, and most importantly that there isn’t really any going back without giving up on the future.

Finale: And in here, the story goal is pursued once more, but this time from the stronger version of the hero – the version that has learned the theme, and committed to act accordingly.

Julius is ludicrously powerful in this story. Only through manipulation and despair was he ever in any danger. The “confrontation” with the villain is probably just him asking a vassal to have his magic tutor imprisoned somewhere unpleasant.

Closing Image: The opposite of the opening image. This is a snapshot of life after the story, the problems of the ordinary world solved or banished, a new world opening up for the hero. If the opening is the equivalent of “once upon a time” this is saying “And every day after … “

I think this jumps back to Fun & Games. The closing image is hectic - Julius is in constant motion as he tries to run a diplomatic meeting between trolls and pixies in the two minutes he has for breakfast, plays stern father to his precocious child (who will henceforth never not be precocious with him, because she saved his life), has a quick maybe-romantic moment with Star, and drives toward the library in a car brimming with magical creatures nobody else can sense. Becoming a faerie king may have brought its own problems, but we can see that it - and his acceptance OF it - has also solved basically every problem he had when the story began.

Points of Divergence: Julius, as we see above, kind of shares protagonisthood with Kimberley. She’s the one who steps in and saves him after he makes the wrong decision in his darkest moment. But it’s really growth that marks him and not her as the protag, because there’s not much room for growth on Kimberley. She’s kind of written as a Mary-Sue. But even though Julius is the one who grows, I find I really enjoy having the camera follow her around.

Honestly a lot of the book will be devoted to Fun & Games. I read a lot of Terry Pratchett - possibly every book he ever wrote, now that I think about it - and thinking on it the way he maintains the kind of consistency appearing in the above structure while being funny throughout is through interesting, poetic choices for how to describe things.

"One could say there was a kind of chemistry between them, but chemistry of the kind that would require an evacuation and a call to the fire department” is a very funny line, but occurs during the Bad Guys Close In without slowing the action of those bad guys closing in one whit.

I’m interested in having a series of mini-moments of the business of holding fey court or following fey misadventures outside the specific Fun & Games section, but I’ll want to make sure these snips are short enough that they don’t interrupt the flow of the section they’re adjacent to.

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game-refraction · 7 years

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Game Review: Mass Effect - Andromeda (PS4 Pro)

Right from the start, Mass Effect: Andromeda felt lazy. The shift to a whole new galaxy with the dream of exploring strange new worlds and interacting with elements never before seen in a Mass Effect game held such promise. This dream, however, never comes to fruition as Andromeda never attempts to carve new ground or offer us new gameplay experiences and plays it far too safe for its own good. While the game can certainly entertain, and the final few hours are nothing short of breathtaking, the journey there is filled with a mostly “been there done that” approach, not to mention the technical shortcomings that are apparent everywhere, no matter your platform.

Mass Effect: Andromeda sees you play as one sibling of the Ryder family, choosing either a male or female lead. This choice will mostly dictate your relationships in the game as I never felt that my choice as playing as a female Ryder had any weight to the core story or my interactions with characters throughout the journey. The character creation system is fairly bare bones and just attempting to craft anyone even remotely attractive was a chore that took me almost an hour from start to finish, mostly due to the fact you create both male and female siblings. Once I was fine with the customizing of the Ryder family I set forth to do my part in the Andromeda galaxy.

Andromeda begins on the Ark Hyperion, a ship containing thousands of individuals in cryostasis as they made their 600-year journey to the Andromeda galaxy, specifically the Helios cluster. Your Ryder character is brought out of cryostasis as you approach a golden world, a planet that is suitable for supporting a new way of life for those aboard the ship. Certain events occur early on when you find one of these supposed golden worlds and you suddenly become the Pathfinder, an individual charged with tracking down new locations that can play host to settling down new colonies. You are also gifted an AI called SAM that is crucial to the work the Pathfinder needs to do, and a relationship that offers new discoveries that will lead to the very survival of the Andromeda Initiative itself.

Eventually, you’ll gain control of your own ship and can traverse the Helios cluster to explore these strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations, but you’ll soon discover that this large open map is mostly a sham, giving you only a few select planet’s that you can actually explore and the vast majority is there just to scan for resources. When I found my first derelict ship I was heartbroken that I could only scan the vessel for resources instead of boarding the ship and seeing what dangers would await me. Sure, you’ll come across a few ships that you can actually board but those are mission specific and not part of any free-formed exploration. This large sprawling space map is made even worse by the excessive loading times of panning out from one planet to the next, and while a recent patch has made this a bit more bearable, the 60 hours I spent pre-patch would slow the game to a crawl when I would bounce from planet to planet to scan for resources. There are even a few side quests that involve tracking various things through space and they are the most tedious activities I’ve ever seen in a Mass Effect game.

As you explore the Helios cluster you’ll encounter the Nexus, a central hub that is designed as the port for other Ark’s containing various species like the Asari, Salarian, and more. It is here that you’ll discover that not everything about the Andromeda Initiative is going as planned and frankly, they are shocked when your Ark actually shows up. You’ll visit this location so often that it tends to lose its charm after a while and you begin to notice how lifeless this game can be. You’ll rarely see NPC’s walking about or doing anything constructive. Sure, you’ll see dozens of people standing around, but that’s it, they are just standing around. There is much talk in the game about how the people that are unthawed from cryostasis are specialists and are important to the Andromeda Initiative, but you’ll see the same guy sitting on the same couch for the entire game.

Once you are given the task to find new golden worlds to colonize, you’ll start to be able to set down outposts on planet’s that can support life. The first planet to allow you to do this is Eos, a planet covered in various levels of radiation. Eventually, you’ll discover the Nomad, a six-wheeled vehicle that can shield you from most of that radiation, but not all of it. The Nomad is a blast to drive around and a huge upgrade from the Mako from previous Mass Effect games. As you explore Eos you’ll discover the Remnant, a race of sentient robots that look to protect locations called vaults. These vaults are crucial in making planets viable for life and are unlocked by solving sudoku style puzzles that can become fairly tedious to solve after a while. The vaults are large sprawling locations that are very enjoyable dungeon-like experiences with a few puzzle mechanics thrown in here and there. When a vault has been completed you will start to see the planet’s environmental hazards lessen and this is true on every planet you’ll visit that contains a vault. This will then open up more of the planet to explore after a while and give you more to do. I did find it odd that you only ever set up one outpost per planet despite the sheer size of said planet. I would have loved the ability to scan the planet from space and set down outposts on sections of the surface that showed high concentrations of certain resources, even if I couldn’t visit them. I feel this would have made the Andromeda Initiative feel more productive than what the game currently offers.

It was going to be impossible for a new protagonist to rightfully follow in the footsteps of Commander Shepard, and they more or less did an ok job here with Ryder. With the removal of the paragon and renegade system to dictate the path of your Ryder, the changes here are small differences in dialogue, but this system tends to fall flat. Ryder just isn’t consistently interesting and the dialogue doesn’t always convey what is actually said when picking certain options. There is even a dialogue choice with Suvi later on where both responses mean the exact same thing. This fumble with the dialogue system makes Ryder feel less like your own creation and more like a scripted strict-canon character. There are some strong moments with Ryder that make me hopeful the character gets better treatment the next time around.

The original Mass Effect games contained some of the most memorable and compelling characters of any video game franchise. Characters like Garrus, Tali, Liara, Mordin, and Thane, were just amazing and I could easily spout out half a dozen more. Even side characters that you couldn’t equip to your squads were impressive and felt like real people, fleshed out with well-written dialogue and believable interactions. Andromeda just doesn’t compare with even some of the series more bland characters and easily has the worst cast of the entire franchise. There are Cora and Liam who are by the book generic human characters who rarely have anything worth saying and never made me care about them at all. The Turian, Vetra Nyx, started off really impressive but started to fade and become less interesting the further the game went on. Nakmor Drack is the typical grizzled old Krogan and echo’s much of what we’ve seen before with a Krogan companion. I will say that Nakmor paired with certain people on a mission can result in some fun and often hilarious conversations, especially about a certain someone’s parentage.

The last two members of the team are Jaal and Peebee and are the only two characters that really stood out for me. Jaal is an Angara, one of the new races of aliens you will encounter in your travels. While he can feel written like this game’s version of Javik from Mass Effect 3, he becomes our window into the Angara race and one of the more interesting parts of the game. Peebee, however, stole the show for me and joins the ranks of characters like Jack, Mordin, and Thane. I flat out loved Peebee and she was never removed from my party since I first gained access to her. I’ve loved the oddball female companions in the past few Bioware games like Dragon Age 2 and Inquisition as characters like Merrill and Sera brought a somewhat fresh personality to an often bland genre. Peebee was fun, often hilarious and I would literally hang on her every word. She’s interested in alien tech and this can lead to many great discoveries like a little alien robot that can be added to your attack skills and can act as a fourth member of your three man team.

You also have a few other companions on the ship that serve as the remainder of your crew. There’s Kallo, Suvi, Gil, and Dr. Lexi T’Perro. These few characters can have a lot to say and can be fairly entertaining from time to time. There are Gil and Kallo’s arguments over the repairs to the ship, or Lexi’s constant reminder for you to watch your health, not to mention she’s voiced by Game of Thrones actress Natalie Dormer, who is just amazing here. I would have romanced Suvi as her accent is just to die for, but the final romance scene with her is just beyond disappointing. While many characters are able to be romanced in the game, complete with some very revealing scenes, there are so few characters that get the attention they deserve and it becomes very apparent that Bioware had clear favorites and spent far more time on a few characters than spreading the love around.

The main threat this time around is the Kett, a race with an origin deeply tied to the core narrative of the game. While the Kett can be an imposing threat and attack in large numbers, the basic design of them is lacking and not as well conceived as prior series villains. The Archon, for example, has a face that is almost hilarious to look at and I couldn’t help but smirk when we are first introduced to the character. Thankfully, it’s only the basic unit Kett and the Archon that suffer from a mediocre design as the remaining Kett all look rather impressive and look and feel threatening. I thought the way that the Kett were used here with regards to the story to be a refreshing change from the previous trilogy and with how the game wraps up, I’m eager to see what is in store for them in the future.

I also found it rather odd that when you meet the Angara for the first time that it is this huge deal and a rather important moment in the history of their race, but it never delves much into the fact that they are meeting not only humans but Asari, Krogan, Salarian and more, all at once. The game just sorts of skims over it like we are not supposed to focus on that and just move on with the story being told.

Despite several bland characters and some recycled game mechanics from previous entries, the combat here is absolutely fantastic and the best the series has seen so far. Each encounter is thrilling and fast paced and with the added use of a jet pack, it offers some interesting ways to combat the likes of the Remnant, Kett and the odd group of Scavengers. The combat isn’t completely revolutionary as it does feel like a more finely tuned version of what we had in Mass Effect 2 and 3. You have various Biotic skills and abilities to hotkey for instant use in a crucial moment of survival, or simply to just pick up an enemy with pull and then slingshot them over the edge of a mountain with your push ability. You can swap shoulders quick enough and can equip various guns that you’ll either find, buy or craft with blueprints and resource items you track down, each with varying levels of rarity. The jet pack allows you to dodge left or right rather quickly, or take to the skies in a temporary moment of vulnerability. You can also equip various melee weapons like Asari swords or the large, but slow, Krogan hammers. I never tired of the combat and the Remnant and Kett always had a trick or two up their sleeve to make battles intense and action packed. The game also uses a dynamic cover system that works without a button press and it can be a bit hit and miss in its execution.

You are equipped with a scanner that you’ll frequently use to scan various pieces of tech, vegetation, and organic life. These scans, as well as a few other methods, are the way you’ll unlock points to buy blueprints for new armor and new weapons, as well as augments needed to make them more powerful. There are various categories of goods to craft that each visually look impressive and have stats that can work towards your playstyle. Once I had enough points in my Remnant research I crafted a whole Remnant set that looked incredible and the guns were as equally impressive, not to mention you get to rename your creations. You can also change the color of the armor anytime you want in Ryder’s quarters aboard your ship, something I didn’t know until a few dozen hours into the game. The materials needed for crafting are easy to come by as long as you are paying attention while you explore. It’s not a drastically deep system but it functions well enough to be useful. You’ll also unlock perks that give you more inventory space and the ability to earn research points faster and more efficiently. I did find that inventory space was way too small as a maximum 60 items was just downright pitiful, but thankfully the game’s latest patch improves that to 200 items and makes collecting a set of each armor more realistic.

I’ll point out as well that despite the cool looking armor and guns that you can equip to Ryder, none of it can be equipped to your teammates, making them box-art perfect for the entire experience. You don’t even get a new flashy look if you complete their Loyalty quests. During combat, you can give them targets, but you cannot instruct them to use their powers in ways that you deem fit. I found the AI to be lacking and they’d stick fairly close to you unless you pressed the left or right of the d-pad and gave them targets to focus on. Thankfully, you can upgrade their own skills should you want a certain character to have access to certain skills or particular stat increases.

Accepting side quests and completing missions is as it has always been in a Mass Effect game. You’ll talk with your crew between missions to unlock their loyalty quests, various NPC’s standing around on planet hub’s that need something done, and important markers on the map that show which quest is active. The main core missions are well designed and very entertaining, but the side quests are what vary in quality and can drag down the experience here. There’s a side quest early on where you track down the truth behind a murder that while fun in execution, has a complete blunder of a resolution and that seems to happen for a lot of the side quests here. Each time a quest would see me travel from planet to planet or scan the various planet’s in the cluster would see me roll my eyes and let out a few choice curse words. There are, however; several side quests that take place entirely on the planet that are extremely well designed and thoroughly fun that I wish there had been more like them and less of the fetch quests that artificially make the game longer.

Multiplayer is back here and feels very much akin to what was offered the last go-around. You join a team of a few players and battle wave after wave until the dropship comes in and picks you up. You’ll level up various classes that have a specific set of equipment and skills and use those characters to earn points to unlock reward chests in the hopes of unlocking new gear, items and cross your fingers, more characters. I’ve played a few rounds as I already knew what to expect and it can be a solid good time with a group of friends, but I do feel it lacks staying power in its current form.

There has been much talk about the visuals in Andromeda and I’ll get the good out of the way first as the game is a pretty mixed bag. Environments look solid and planets like the ice covered Voeld or the jungle filled Havarl are gorgeous to look at and explore. Each location is packed full of detail and even large open areas like the deserts of Elaaden are interesting to explore, even if some structures on the map feel generically placed here and there. The creatures and non-humanoid aliens are remarkable and species like the Krogan and Salarian look really impressive. I found that differences between the PS4 Pro and Xbox One versions were that the Pro delivered better visuals for the environment and small subtle things for characters and their clothes, but nothing really drastic that makes one clearly better over the other, but for graphical purists, stick with the Pro version for now.

The game, however; fails to impress when you are dealing with any humanoid characters like the Asari and well, humans themselves. Before the current patch, eyes looked awful and characters had awkward stares and looks of disinterest or shock. Facial animations are also lackluster and in some cases, painful to watch. I’ve had small moments that were meant to be touching and heartfelt ruined because the characters arms were flailing around or they had no eyelids because of some sort of glitch. I’ve had characters drop from the sky when I would exit the Nomad to my companions walking through walls or falling into the floor. There were several times that I would see textures failing to load (see picture) or kept loading during an entire conversation. There were several times that I would shoot a single enemy and multiple more enemies would just suddenly appear to phase out of him, it’s bizarre to see. I’ve seen videos on Youtube of characters curling into a pretzel or crab walking up stairs, essentially what I am saying is this is not a polished game in any regard and feels like a step back from even Mass Effect 3.

Voice acting is pretty decent but somewhat hit and miss in several areas. I only found a few characters to really stand out and come off as providing a strong effort. I was also disappointed in Ryder, as while my experience with the game was as a female Ryder, I felt she lacked an authoritative voice like that of female Shepard in the previous trilogy. The gender of the Ryder you don’t pick is somewhat present in the game and you get a good amount of dialogue from them as well, giving me an idea of what a male Ryder would have sounded like, and man does he ever sound like Nolan North, which he isn’t by the way. Characters like Peebee, Lexi, Suvi, and Sloane Kelly were easily my favorite and it was really interesting to hear so many female Krogan as well. Bioware usually is heads and shoulders above the industry when it comes to voice acting, but Andromeda felt like a step back with what we usually expect from the studio.

Despite my issues with the game, and my god there are issues, I still enjoyed the core gameplay elements of Mass Effect: Andromeda. The story is ok at times and it wasn’t until you-know-what hits the fan that the game really got interesting and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. The first half of the game has some awful dialogue and piss-poor writing but that tends to go somewhat away after a few hours until the fan fiction level of quality rears its ugly head again from time to time. Andromeda definitely has the weakest cast of the series with only a small handful of them really being a solid effort put forth by Bioware and that translates into the effort I feel was put towards much of the other elements in the game. Andromeda is beyond glitchy and made me question if this game had even been play-tested at all. While the studio is hard at work correcting and fixing most-if-not-all of these glitches, that first impression is a sour taste for sure. Exploration can be enjoyable but I can’t help shake the feeling of it being semi-scripted in many ways. Mass Effect: Andromeda is a fun, but vastly flawed game that provides the bare minimum effort needed for it to feel like a new entry in the Mass Effect series while not offering us much of anything new. I enjoyed my time exploring vaults with Peebee as she’d talk about her family and the fact that her dad is a.. well, I guess you’ll just have to find out yourself.

Mass Effect: Andromeda was reviewed with a retail copy of the PS4 Deluxe Edition and played on a Playstation 4 Pro and all screenshots were taken via the share function via twitter. Xbox One comparisons were based on observations of the game being played.

as for that Pretzel animation? Enjoy.. or cringe.. either way..

Game Review: Mass Effect – Andromeda (PS4 Pro) was originally published on Game-Refraction

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addcrazy-blog · 7 years

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New Post has been published on Add Crazy

New Post has been published on https://addcrazy.com/vehicle-magazine-test-bmw-340i-vs-nissan-maxima-sr/

Vehicle Magazine Test: BMW 340i vs Nissan Maxima SR

If you have been to ask any BMW fan how they felt about a Nissan Maxima, you’d get responses various among sneering to downright laughing. At the same time as Nissan used to boast true overall performance vehicle chops at some point of its lineup, and nevertheless does with the GT-R, the majority of Nissan’s cars inside the beyond a decade or so were indescribably dull. However, the famous Japanese emblem feels as if it’s come up with a sports sedan which could honestly rival the BMW three Collection and its different German competition — the Nissan Maxima SR. Does that declare warrant laughter? Automobile Magazine finds out.

In this modern song Check, Car Mag pits their 4-Seasons Nissan Maxima SR against a BMW 340i to the peer that is better. On paper, the BMW has advantages everywhere in the place. It’s rear-wheel force in comparison to the Maxima’s front-wheel power, it has a manual gearbox compared to the Maxima’s CVT and it’s greater powerful. The BMW 340i packs a three.0 liter turbocharged I6 engine that makes 320 hp and 330 lb-ft of torque. Through evaluation, the Maxima’s certainly-aspirated three.five liter V6 makes simplest 300 hp and 261 lb-toes of torque. So the Bimmer is notably faster, getting from zero-60 mph in four.9 seconds, in comparison to the Maxima’s relatively lazy 6.zero seconds.

However, does that make it higher at the tune? It actually makes it quicker, as the BMW 340i turned into three full seconds faster than the Maxima on the Streets of Willow’s Massive Willow circuit. But, Vehicle claims that the BMW 340i made up most of its time at the straights and with its greater torque coming out of corners. Reputedly, the Maxima hangs right with it through corners and may deal with simply as well, with a few staffers claiming to have desired the Maxima.

That does seem tough to trust, as all of Nissan’s current merchandise, apart from the excellent GT-R, have the athleticism of a sloth. Perhaps the Maxima SR is reduced from the identical material the GT-R is. We’re not pronouncing that we doubt the oldsters at Automobile, it’s just that the idea of a current Nissan Maxima being as amusing to drive as the BMW 340i is something we’d pressure and feel to truly trust.

However, Car claims that the Maxima’s guidance feel is not best on par, However leading to the BMW 340i’s and that it turned into less complicated to toss around on a track. I should admit, the last contemporary Nissan product I drove had some of the worst steerage feel I’d ever encountered, main me to impeach if there has been something wrong with it. It felt as though the wheel wasn’t surely related to whatever, nearly as if steerage rack snapped in two. So it’s surprising to listen the Maxima putting out correct guidance feel.

2017 Nissan maxima 01 750×441

There were some regions wherein the BMW turned into still better. Its manual gearbox is far superior to the CVT within the Maxima. The Nissan’s continuously variable transmission was lazy and slow to respond, even in “manual mode”, making it difficult to force quickly at a few points. The Bimmer also had a good deal higher brakes, which helped it to the tune. The 340i also has the lots higher engine, as there are few engines of any type available on the market better than BMW’s B58 I6.

Average, Car found the Maxima to be proper up there with the BMW 340i, in phrases of sporty dynamics. which is sudden. Although, it’s also encouraging. A primary couple of Maxima generations has been simply quite a laugh to force and had been exceptional overall performance values. But Nissan has regarded to have lost its way in latest years in dramatic fashion, becoming every other vanilla economic system logo. So it’d be great to peer the well-known Jap brand to start placing out a few well correct using vehicles. Hopefully, that is a trend that keeps.

The Race To Primary

Does your coronary heart get speedy and furious with the smell of NOS? Do your palms get sweaty with the notion of lifted Jeep rock crawling? Perhaps you are the subtle kind and like the push of a smooth trip in a new 2007 Lincoln Metropolis car.

Regardless of which institution of those you may fall into, you can sleep smooth understanding you are not the simplest one. Humans love their automobiles and vehicles. Fortuitously for us that do, there may be no scarcity on Television suggests websites and cheap magazines devoted to the problem.

Sure, I did say magazines, as in print magazines. The print isn’t pretty useless yet and car magazines are nonetheless very famous. Bookstores frequently stock complete racks with a variety of various magazines all with one of a kind special topics.

In accordance to research the top 5 promoting automotive magazines By way of subscription are:

automobile and Driver – This Mag is for Automobile fans interested by domestic and imported vehicles. Every problem carries street checks and functions on performance, sports activities, global coverage of avenue race, inventory and championship car occasions, technical reports, personalities, and products. road tests are conducted with electronic gadget Through engineers and journalists and the results are a vital a part of the Magazine’s evaluation segment.

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Motor fashion – Motor fashion Mag is an automotive guide committed to home and foreign automobiles with an emphasis on performance, contrast checks, interviews, race insurance, new vehicle previews and technical capabilities, collectively with articles on the issues affecting the auto in society.

Autoweek – For the automobile and truck enthusiast who just can’t wait to learn the trendy vehicle information. This Mag capabilities memory on the most modern fashions, product Takes a look at critiques, enterprise developments, and automobile racing reports. It is also spotlight stories on thrilling Humans within the auto enterprise. The Magazine additionally includes a big classified phase selling automobiles and elements.

Warm Rod – This Mag is oriented to high overall performance and personalized automobiles and the sport of Warm-rodding. It covers overall performance information, trends, technologies and automobile occasions. It showcases a ramification of various vehicles from custom constructed street machines to restored muscle motors. In addition, articles provide insight into the human aspect of the game. Searching for this listing, you may see the variety within the challenge depend simply on motors by myself. Regardless of what your choice of experience is, a lifted pickup to an old Pontiac GTO, you can discover a Mag overlaying it. Magsforless gives a diverse preference of Mag subscriptions to select from.

Joel Simkhai has posted several articles on a huge variety of topics associated with Mag journalism. He’s currently the owner of MagsForLess – a business enterprise that provides reasonably-priced magazines and focuses on customer satisfaction.

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