#like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

femfalleen · 1 year

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wanted to post yesterday but i was on absolute 0 social mode lol:

i presented femme! publicly! WOW

uhh so we had board game night again and i knew i was in good company so i decided to go in this rly cute linen skirt that goes to my like lower calf i got and a really like..flowy orange shirt that has like lil shoulder holes and this rly cute tie thing down the neck and i even did some really poor wings and smoky eyes HAH

for the first time ever putting makeup on myself seriously (and like 4th time ever overall in life) it wasn't bad ?? but it left a lot to be desired hahaha

so i got there! and wow! getting ready to get out of the car knowing "okay i am not comfortable with this yet. people look at me and expect 'guy' with 'guy clothes and aire and etc' and i kinda... almost didn't get out of the car (i had my dysphoria hoodie over the top since it was chilly but the skirt and striped thigh highs were completely visible). i realized "oh fuck this door IS that gateway. i step out and ive stepped out of the last comfort zone i have right here." and so i took a breath and kinda weighed my options ngl. "do i just take in these eyes and ignore them? abandon the friends i know who were expecting me and with whom i wanted to play games? i can. right now i could literally drive home. they'd all understand and be both sympathetic and empathetic. "

but. i took my fishing glasses off (they hid my makeup from random people as i drove), but on my big circular rimmed glasses and just... got out of the car. there it was. in the normal world ive been in a million plus times and i felt like id jumped into the artic waters.

i am good at ignoring people usually, especially since we're at a point socially that i can just look at my phone uncaringly and seem like "anyone else" and that helped SO MUCH just walking in.

of course the people i knew didn't care and while they didn't say anything like... reassuring, i also understand based on what i know that they probably either didn't want to like bother my possible anxiety (most of them have surely been through the same so why touch a thorn i might also have, right?) and or they weren't even thinking about it (nearly everyone there has been preferred-presenting since i met them and probably way longer, so it's more than likely just natural to them).

when I first had to go to the restroom, i expected it to be as nerve-wracking as the last game night but it... was only kinda? by this point, i was really settled with the people I'd come to see and having fun and even walking out into the hosting building wasn't that shocking? minding my own business and ignoring any eyes that mightve been on me was easy and i guess maybe one thing that helped me go through "being seen" no matter how much it affected / could've affected me was:

no matter how they saw me, the ones who did possibly look at all, whether as a "guy "in a "woman's" top and skirt with "woman's" makeup or as a very masculine looking girl, or as a trans person, or anything more horrid i won't mention, i kept the confidence as best i could that i SHOULD be able to wear it regardless of how i identify, want to identify, or was currently identifying. sure, i *wanted* to be flagged as "girl girl girl in girls clothing walking by" but also being able to just be seen as like.. "wow that guy is so confident in his skirt and top and his poorly done makeup.." was also kinda...? idk! im also fine with that outcome, albeit less.

all through college i discussed with a very progressive friend about what guys "could and couldn't" wear, constantly finding annoying with hot hot my hairy legs were in pants but too cold and shorts and consistently telling her id love to be able to wear capris or something. and her response for the better half of 3 years was always "so just do it?"

and while that's easier said than done, especially in such a strictly gender-conforming society as someone who didn't really accept that the Weren't Exactly Cis-Gender, it always bothered me i kinda "couldn't."

i wanted to. i would've been happiest in capris. they would've let my legs breathe yet keep them cool. i would've loved to be called pretty showing up in something like this linen skirt, or my cute tops, or whatever. but i "couldn't" for fear of backlash. for fear that someone might call me something i didn't like. or treat me in a way they'd never, or whatever else.

i realize clothing isn't gendered physically but it is socially and unfortunately it's not easy to break through that. especially if it feels like "im the only one doing this i can't make the change myself." but it really is sad.

coming out of the game room to the restroom and then back. and the second time. it was unlike anything. only in the comfort of my private life had i been so comfortably dressed, ever. and yet here i was. socially presentable yet infinitely comfortable in my own body - the smallest bubble i could have. and it was warm and fuzzy.

normally wearing traditionally masc clothes is like... cool. clothing. i am no longer naked and allowed to go in public.

but wearing this outfit was something that really made me feel... idk? i *cared* about how i was gonna look and wanted to look like something and i wanted the body that was in the clothing to kinda go with it and that body was mine! and it was feeling good in the clothing and knowing it looked "like this" was like! wow! that's me! *i* am the one looking like i think looks cool! she's me!

but yeah. what a rush. it was... intense emotionally, to say the least...

#mtf #fendiary #trans #january 2023 #january #210123 #220123 #game night #femme

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