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thechangeling · 2 years

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If I keep my eyes closed

A quick authors note before we get started. When writing characters like Ty, Alyssa and my version of Lizzie I always find myself trying to straddle this imaginary line between creating "good representation" and what I believe is accurate representation, or at least accurate to my experiences as an autistic person. I struggle with this the most when writing Alyssa. I am constantly trying to be mindful of respecting and honoring her cultural background as a white writer while still inserting my own autistic experiences and autistic trauma into her character and story. Sometimes that even means going against my own instincts and feelings.

That being said I still invite anyone to criticize my work if I've written something offensive. Especially if you are an autistic POC! I know that my autistic perspective is not the only way to be autistic and I don't want anyone to think I'm suggesting that.

Also I wrote an Alyssa playlist if anyone wants to listen to it it'll be at the end.

Cw: Autistic trauma!!!!! Like a lot!!, parental trauma, mention of C-PTSD triggers and dissociation.

Chapter 5: Despite everything I'm still human.

If you recognize the title of this chapter I love you and you get a cookie!

5. He wasn't actually that pretty.

That was the first thing Alyssa noticed when she saw Kit Herondale for the first time. She supposed she had hyped him up a little in her head seeing how much Ty pined after him, but really he was just a boy.

Ok sure he was cute. Not really her type but still attractive. He had a nose and lip piercing which was a plus, along with a few tattoos that Ali wasn't sure about the meaning of. But she knew they definitely weren't runes.

He also left his shoes on indoors like most white Americans which really pissed her off. Like why are you tracking all this dirt through your house just to make a mess that you'll have to clean up later? And what if you wanted to put your feet up? It was stupid and made fuck all sense.

But that was beside the point. Other than that Kit seemed nice enough, other than the fact he was ignoring Ty. But Ty seemed like he wasn't ready to talk to Kit yet either so maybe it was for the best.

Alyssa was currently lying in one of Ty's hiding spots around the institute. It was a little nook beside one of the windows in the library. It was extremely high up, but if you used a chair to climb onto one of the book cases, then you could climb up on top of it and jump to the ledge from there. It wasn't very hard for a werewolf with enhanced strength and speed to do.

Alyssa lay on her back, her dark hair billowing out around her with her feet planted on the opposite wall and her knees bent. She was absentmindedly using her werewolf hearing to listen to the conversations of the people below.

They were in the midst of a full blown crisis. As it turned out Kit was the descent of some super special faerie person and supposedly had all this untapped power. Now a bunch of people were trying to get their hands on him.

Alyssa didn't really care about the details. What she cared about was that Ty had already figured this out and had neglected to tell her.

She was trying not to feel angry, or hurt and betrayed. She knew that he was probably just protecting Kit, but the old voices in her head were whispering again.

He doesn't trust you. He'll never trust you.

You're not really his friend.

He doesn't love you.

"Shut up," Alyssa whispered out loud. Trying to push them aside.

She had gotten along well enough with Ty's siblings. She played the part of the dutiful good girl with her smiles and politeness. When she met Ty's sister Drusilla she had barely been able to contain her excitement at her name. Drusilla just like Drusilla from Buffy the vampire slayer, her favorite show and her special interest.

Alyssa had bit the inside of her cheek to keep from squealing.

Down below Kit's friends Marìa Machado Sotomayor, or Mari as she preferred to be called, and Lizzie Fauteux were talking about the upcoming meeting and the danger they were all facing.

Mari was sweet. The kind of person who actually seemed genuinely like she cared about people and wanted the best for everyone. It was weird. But Ali liked it. Lizzie on the other hand was a burning fire of pain and hatred. She didn't say much and was a weird combination of shy and aggressive that seemed to suit her.

When Ali first stared into the girl's eyes, it was only for a quick second seeing as she seemed to militantly avoid eye contact which was fine by Alyssa, it was like staring into a dark black void. There was so much despair behind those eyes and so much anger. Ali looked into those eyes and saw herself.

Mirror mirror.

Lizzie was just more open about it.

So yeah, she kinda didn't like Lizzie.

Mari was definitely way more fun. She loved the way they gushed and grinned when they spoke of their home town of Loiza, or told stories about how she danced Bomba with her friends and family.

It made Alyssa homesick though. Homesick for Adobo and Lumpia, for parties and dancing. Homesick for her own family.

She loved Ty and Anush but there were certain things that she just couldn't get from them. Alyssa may not always have gotten along with her family but they were still family and family was everything.

It didn't mean that it didn't make her angry when she had to lie to them about things she knew they would never understand or mask constantly around them, always twisting herself into a new shape depending on the situation. She knew that they were partly responsible for inflicting some of the trauma that caused her to develop C-PTSD even though they hadn't meant to and yet she still loved them and felt indebted to them.

It was complicated. Kind of like how she was a part of so many things at once, so many different communities. She was queer, Filipina American, had multiple neurodivergences, and was a werewolf of the New York pack and yet still she felt so alone. Like she belonged nowhere. Like she was nothing. Just different little made up figments meant to appease different people.

Alyssa Reyes didn't exist.

She heard James Marsters' voice as Spike from Buffy in her head.

Oh poor poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love!

Ali whined out loud pulling at her dark wavy hair. Calm down you idiot. Just calm down.

She knew she should probably look for the rest of her pack. The meeting would be starting soon.

But Alyssa was instantly snapped out of her thoughts when she heard Ty's name.

"When I first saw that necklace I swear I bloody thought they were secretly dating" Mari giggled in her Devon British accent.

"Wait seriously?" Lizzie chimed in with her less pleasant, rougher flatter voice which had a British accent with a little mix of French. "You thought he was with that boy the entire time he was dating you? And then me? Kit wouldn't do that."

Alyssa's eyebrows raised at the knowledge that apparently Lizzie and Mari were both Kit's ex's.

"Well yeah I mean after that! I mean he never tells us anything! But it seems like he was just pining," Mari said with a shrug. She was relaxed against one of the comfy chairs, fiddling with a string on her top. Lizzie scoffed.

"Still pining you mean. It's pathetic." She was sitting on the floor across from Mari, holding her knees to her chest tightly. "I mean I really don't understand the point. Is Ty even really worth it?"

Oh fuck her!

They both definitely didn't realize that Alyssa was above them. She could drop down and scare the living shit out of them. She could go after Lizzie and rip her a new one. But honestly she was exhausted.

And depressed as fuck.

The C-PTSD symptoms were really out in full force today. Alyssa had a headache and her upper shoulders ached. Her emotions were all over the place and her chest felt tight. She was almost considering napping in this spot before she heard another voice, not Lizzie's or Mari's.

"Hey guys the meetings gonna start soon, you should probably come. I mean unless you wanna get like eviscerated by that scary chick who runs your pack!"

Kit Herondale.

She would know that voice anywhere. It had already become so cemented in her mind. She watched as Kit came over to Mari smiling as they made grabby hands at him to pull them up. Lizzie stood up on her own with a little grumble and a groan which caused Kit to chuckle and wink at her which she promptly responded to by giving him the finger. But Alyssa could tell there was something in her gaze there hadn't been before. Warmth.

She watched as the three of them slowly made their way out of the library. She knew she should really join them. Maia would have her head if she was late. Alyssa rolled her eyes at the sky.

Suddenly just as Kit reached the doorway, he stopped, letting the other two leave without him. He stood in the doorway for a moment in silence.

"Are you coming?" He asked. Kit turned around to look back at her, staring directly up at where she was. "Or am I gonna have to come up there and get you?"

He knew? He knew she was up there the entire time and he didn't say anything? Until now. But why? Alyssa sat up, readjusting her position so that she was facing him.

He was smirking. She wanted to wipe that stupid expression off his face. She smirked back at him, rage boiling through her blood. "I'd like to see you try, shadowhunter!"

She spat the word shadowhunter like a curse. And for a moment he looked genuinely hurt before he shrugged.

"Not entirely though," he pointed out. "I mean if that was the case we wouldn't even be having this meeting. You know the big how do we make Kit not die brainstorming session? Should be a blast, you should totally go."

Despite herself Alyssa snorted. She could see why Ty liked him. Kind of. He had this way of speaking that got caught underneath your skin. Words that seeped inside of you and tickled until they made you giggle.

"I was going to. I was just taking some time."

Kit nodded. "Yeah I see he told you where his hiding spot was." He had a strange sort of expression on his face, like he was jealous.

Alyssa couldn't help it. She smirked again. "Yeah of course he does," she taunted. "We're best friends, he tells me everything."

The barb did it's job. Kit looked crestfallen. Although he was trying to hide it. That made Alyssa even angrier.

How dare he act all wounded after what he did? He has no right.

Alyssa jumped down from her perch gracefully, barely making any noise. She could still her ballet teacher's voice in her head. Land on your toes and bend the knees. "Anyways," she clicked her tounge. "I guess we better get going."

"Wait," Kit blurted out. "Can I ask you something?"

Alyssa sighed in place of an answer. Kit kept talking anyway.

She wasn't prepared for the way his gaze looked so pained and desperate when he asked, "how do I get Ty to care about me?

Alyssa grit her teeth trying not to explode with rage. She knew she should try to be calm and patient. It's what Ty would want.

But she was exhausted, shaking and in pain. She had had enough.

Alyssa laughed almost manically. "Are you fucking serious? How dare you? The fact that you have the blatent audacity to be so fucking ignorant blows my mind!"

Kit's eyes widened. "What?"

"Newsflash dumbass! He is in love with you! He has been ever since the day you fucking abandoned him for greener pastures," Alyssa shouted.

Kit glared sharply. "That's not what happened and you don't fucking know! You weren't there! So don't act like you were."

Altssa scoffed. "No I was just there for the aftermath. I was there to hold him while he cried!" She was waving her hands around while she yelled now, as she had a tendency to do. "And you know he never cries! I was there to stop him from bashing his skull open against the wall or from slitting his wrists with one of his dangers. To watch as he shut down and never let himself feel anything like what he felt for you again in case they betrayed him." Alyssa was fully aware she was crying now but she didn't care.

"You fucking destroyed him!"

Kit looked like he had just been gutted, his eyes wide open in horror. "I'm sorry," he whispered, more to the air then to her. "I had no idea. But I had to leave and it seemed like Ty didn't want me around. Like he didn't care." Tears welled up in his eyes.

"I was just so fucking heartbroken. Like somebody had cut a hole in me."

Alyssa growled. "So that makes it ok then? Be cause you think the heartbreak you were feeling was worse then his? Because it was so easy to believe that the autistic boy wasn't madly in love because that doesn't happen right?"

Kit narrowed eyes his at her. "Please don't put words in my mouth. I never said that."

And deep down somewhere in the logical part of her brain, Alyssa knew he was right. But she couldn't reach logic right now. She was the match, burning on rage and pain and trauma and all she wanted to do was hurt someone else to make it stop hurting. And mostly it had just been too many damn years of this shit.

"You wanna know what burns me the most?" She snapped. "That no matter what, you will never understand how much he loves you." Her voice broke. Ali could feel more tears sliding down her face. She wiped her eyes aggressively.

"The way he feels. It's the way people like us love. Burning and all consuming. Like an infection that eats at you from your core, tearing you up inside." Alyssa shut her eyes, allowing herself to get lost in the feeling. She took a deep breath, then exhaled.

Then she opened her eyes. Kit was staring at her, watching. Waiting for her to continue. Alyssa made herself to look directly at Kit.

"It's like this desperation for more, more, more. One more touch, one more glance, just one more word." She shook her head. "He would anything for you. But he is so afraid of showing it because we all know, Kit. We know all too well that bad things happen when we trust! Bad things happen when we love! When we care! And now you've just become more proof of that."

Alyssa pushed her hair back and ran her hand over the top of it, smoothing it down. "I mean put yourself in his shoes, how can Ty trust you again? How is he supposed to find it in himself to move on from this?"

Kit sighed, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them again. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

Alyssa cut him off. "I know. I know you're sorry. Everybody's always so fucking sorry. Everybody wants you to know how they never meant to hurt you like that or the never intended it to be taken in that way. It was a stupid mistake. A stupid childish mistake and they've grown." Alyssa realized she was shaking, her chest rising and falling. "They're better now," she choked.

"But you have to understand they were just kids Alyssa! They didn't know any better Alyssa! But what about us huh? What about our childhoods? What about our innocence? Do you even care about that? About those kids who were changed? Who were broken and used until they changed. Until they became something else? That childhood? The childhood made up of pain and hate and meaningless loneliness!" She yelled. She wanted to hit something. Kit looked a little afraid that she might hit him. And for a minute she wanted to. She shook her head rapidly, trying to purge those thoughts.

Kit's jaw clenched. "I'm so sorry for what you've been through. For what Ty has been through."

And God the way he said Ty's name. Like it was sacred.

"But this isn't my fault," Kit said softly. "What your talking about is so much bigger than me."

Ali laughed again. A humourless dark chuckle. She could feel parts of her body missing. She would reach for them and it was like they weren't there.

"It's not your fault?" She murmered. "It's never anybody else's fault. I suppose then the implication is that it was ours." Kit opened his mouth to protest but Alyssa wasn't done. "

"But we just kids," she whispered, allowing the full weight of that statement to crush her. "Even if nobody else could see it. We were innocent, even if we only got to be for a little while."

"And now after all of your chaos and destruction of the person I love most in this world. You wanna just walk in here and claim that he doesn't care about you." Alyssa scoffed. "I wish he didn't ."

Kit stared at her. And for a moment Alyssa was struck by how much he look like her. Not appearance wise of course, but with the same haunted eyes and bone deep exhaustion.

"I don't know what to say to you," he admitted. "I can't erase what's happened to you or to Ty. I can't turn back time and undo what I did. But I need you to know. I need you to understand that I would do anything for him. I would die for him. Kit's voice dropped to a whisper.

"I love him so much."

Ali couldn't help it. She smiled. She smiled because it was beautiful and moving and maybe she was still that little girl who was niave and just wanted to believe in something.

And she believed him. Despite the fact that she knew Kit Herondale was a liar, she believed him.

"Yeah me too, she said with a sigh. Her emotions were finally stabilizing. Thank fuck.

"So what can I do? He asked. "What can I do to make it better?"

Alyssa blinked a few times then shook her head. "Huh? What?"

"I mean with what you were talking about before," Kit stated warmly. "You're right. Even if I didn't do any of those things to any of you directly it's still partly my responsibility to change things. I wanna create a world where maybe one day autistic children won't be traumatized. And mostly I just wanna make Ty happy. So how can I help?"

Alyssa was stunned. Nobody had ever asked her that before. No one had ever tried to help her in a way that wasn't demeaning or condescending. And nobody had ever offered to make things better. No, people only ever seemed interested in adding to her problems, adding onto her plate.

My brave strong girl, her mother used to say.

So mature.

You seem so well adjusted! People would say.

So well behaved. Her teachers

Really you're only seventeen you seem so muture for your age! The grown men who hit on her when she was a minor.

"I honestly don't know," she admitted. "I'll have to think about it. But as far as Ty goes just listen to him. Pay attention to what he does and if you're ever confused about something just ask. And Ty can probably tell you more but you really need to be having this conversation with him."

Kit nodded. "Right. And we really need to get going. We're late."

Oh crap the meeting.

"Right! Shit let's go!"

"Wait," Kit stopped her before she could leave. "Thank you. For being honest."

Alyssa smiled slightly. It was barely a flicker, all she had the energy for, but it wasn't for him.

It was for her and Ty.

"Always."

AAAAAA I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!! I put so much if myself into this chapter as you can probably tell. And for those of you who are waiting for the kitty confrontation, next chapter y'all!!!! It's gonna be a lot!

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @thefoxandthefound @littlx-songbxrd @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @tired-vin @amchara @wagnerthedragon @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @unhinged-aroace @blacktothepink @the-blackdale @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @the-reader-who-reads-and-reads

#tsc #kit x ty #twp #my oc alyssa reyes #kit herondale #maria machador sotomayor #lizzie fauteux #alyssa babe go to therapy please!#when two fours collide #Spotify

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