#marzivents

[mars-ipan]

GODDD.

#marzivents #to preface. i am SLIGHTLY buzzed. as in i have had a single mimosa almost an hour ago #today there has been a… weird??? energy with the family?? #my mom and dad are on two different frequencies today but like they’re managing so whatever #my brother and i have been normal i suppose #but we’ve been all together for a little bit to celebrate the new uear and such #clock hits 12. we celebrate. everybody has One mimosa. not a lot at all #that buzz hits me and i’m hanging out. i’m feeling good! #my brother says something or other and we start the motions of one of our go-to sibling disagreements you know the type #and my mother cuts me off says like ‘let’s all relax’ or whatever. i didn’t feel that angry but like?? sure? fine whatever #we stop and i move on. once again not a huge deal to me #then my dad does smth or other. my mom’s been razzing him all day so i decide alright i will also razz him. a little lighthearted teasing #it is NOTHING different from what i normally do. just slightly more frequent #and my dad goes ‘i can’t have an opinion on anything huh?’ and i- committed to the bit- go ‘no <3’ with a smile on my face #like i am simply wanting to fuck around!! the way you do with friends! that is all i am doing! #i get in some other thing with my brother for like .2 seconds before my mom tells us to ‘stop fighting’ again. alright cool #this sort of thing continues. and the air in the room becomes super tense for some goddamn reason??? #eventually my dad heads to the garage and my brother follows. while they’re gone my mom tells me i need to cool it and i’m being aggressive #i???? huh???? what??? #i was gonna turn to HER and crack a joke like ‘how do you get them to understand that loud doesn’t mean angry?’ #because that’s an issue SHE has all the damn time! i was gonna turn to her and bond! but she says that before i can even start to #so my attempt to ease the remaining tension in the room is dead on arrival. in fact the room is even TENSER #maybe it was the champagne or smth but it just fucking got to me. i shut up and turn away and start trying to collect myself #i’m realizing two things. 1- my emotions are less in my control right now and i cannot collect myself here. 2- I Need To Fucking Scream #so i silently pack up and head to my room. my mom knows better and asks no questions #as i was typing this post my brother walks in. i shoo him out without words but he tries to ask questions so i just repeat until he gets it #i feel fucking insane. what the fuck did i DO???? i literally was just fucking razzing. i do that all the time #and sure. i was louder. and yeah it was probably slightly more razzing than i normally would. but i DO NOT FUCKING GET how those two things #would cause as MUCH of a reaction as they did!!! like. i . hello??? #the rest is in the replies bc i am out of tags but i am not out of feelings

[mars-ipan]

please for the love of god let my appetite recover enough to eat the sushi i bought. please

#marzi speaks #marzivents #<- just slightly #i even got nigiri (fresher flavors means easier on my appetite) #goddd. this shit is so annoying

[mars-ipan]

ohh my brother’s healing ;v;

#tagging this as #marzivents #bc it’s kinda personal #but. i think i’ve mentioned once or twice that my brother fell into that youtube alpha male ‘self help’ bullshit a few years ago #and my whole family has been trying so hard to help him out of it #he was the target audience. cishet white dude with autism that’s always made him feel outcasted #so he fell headlong into it #i never loved him any less (he’s my brother we’re closer than anyone else) but it’s hard to watch someone you love go down that rabbithole #but since starting college he’s been questioning that stuff more and more #and we just had a conversation in the family group chat where he’s flat out saying he thinks he fell for nihilistic bullshit #and how it makes him feel like he’ll never be able to belong #and he wants to stop feeling like that #and i’m so so fucking proud of him. #he described it as a mental virus. said it’d probably take a while for him to ‘get better’. which i believe #but the fact that he’s decided he wants to ‘get better’ from it is such a big step #and i am so happy for him. i can’t wait to see him be happy with himself #now i gotta support him. i always have but it’s more important now than ever #he needs to know that he’s loved and i will not hesitate to let him know that he will always belong #and that if the world isn’t built for him then fuck it. #he can build his own #GOD i’m so proud of him. i’m so so proud of him #i’m like. actually crying happy tears about it. i am so overjoyed for him

[mars-ipan]

so fucking annoying having a “common” disorder sometimes i’m sick of being fucking dismissed

#marzivents #<- preemptive bc i’m bitter abt it #i made a joke abt trying to get every accomodation for my anxiety that i can #and my own mother. who HAS THE SAME FUCKING ILLNESS. compared me to fucking eric cartman???? #for making a silly about my mental illness? and saying ‘i have anxiety so u need to be nice to me’ for a LAUGH???? #like 1- i’m not fucking lying when i say i need extra help for my anxiety shit #and 2- do not compare me to a fucking south park character because he faked an anxiety disorder for a couple of episodes #like fuck you. what the fuck is wrong with you #‘half the world has anxiety marley’ 1- not true like statistically 2- while anxiety is relatively common that doesn’t mean i don’t need #extra help because of it???? hello????? what the shit #and EVERY time i try to say something about how it makes me feel she pulls the experience card and patronizes me!!! #i get it i’m 18 i don’t know everything. but i fucking know myself!!! #sometimes i just feel like my family thinks i’m looking for excuses to feel bad. which is so FRUSTRATING #because EVERY DAY of my life i am trying to improve and make my mindset healthier and work hard to be the best happiest me i can be #it’s just that sometimes doing my best is feeding myself and brushing my teeth #it bugs me so much coming from her because i know she has it too #like. i know you had to spend the first 30 years of your life denying your mental health to get out of hell #but i don’t. your whole goal in life was to make sure that your kids didn’t have to do that to succeed #so when i tell you i’m struggling or dare to crack a fucking joke about it once in awhile #why is it that suddenly i’m the bad guy or trying to make myself a victim #can i just need fucking help??? in peace??? does it have to be a whole fucking thing #like sorry do i not deserve it? am i not sick enough? god #and this is all IGNORING the fact that it is highly likely i have something else too #i’ve had depressive episodes since middle school. i have many adhd symptoms #fuck man! maybe ur kid who’s been an expert at masking since fucking elementary school is going through a bit more than they look to be! #almost like it’s a subconscious impulse for them to look better than they feel! #and i’m not even doing that bad right now! #i’m super burnt out but i’m coping really well! i’m getting shit done i’m working hard i’m still taking care of myself!! #i’ve managed to still laugh and love and feel joy despite despite despite #and all i want is some goddamn recognition once in a while. i am so SICK of being overlooked. fuck

[mars-ipan]

ohhh i’m like REALLY homesick huh

#marzivents #might give this the vent tag we’ll find out #i’m on the drive home rn so i’ll be back soon but #still #i think part of it’s college nerves? #idk. craving stability really really bad #i move into my dorm on the 14th #i don’t feel. ready? yet #which i KNOW is normal. but #i mean i don’t even have my license. i feel like i shoulda gotten it years ago #sure i can’t help that covid happened but like. my brother did it. he’s driving us home right now #idk. i don’t feel like an adult #i just want things to stay the same for a little bit but they’re about to change a TON #and that’s really scary #i know it’s scary for everyone but. that doesn’t make it any less scary for me #i know i’ll figure it out. i always do. but fuck i’m scared #i wanna go home. i wish i could be home today #i’m tired of long car rides. they give me too much time to think. i want to stop thinking so much #maybe i’ll grab my headphones and listen to some music. distract myself #man i wish we had tissues in the car. my face is gross now #i’ll be home tomorrow. i can share my concerns then. i’ll be okay #i just hid that crying from my brother i feel like a fucking ninja #probs not the healthiest but it’s ok. i’ll talk about it when he’s not on the highway lmao

[mars-ipan]

god not intrusive thoughts too

#marzivents #why r they all just sex #is my body detecting my adrenaline ane getting confused #‘you horny? is that it?’ NO LEAVE ME ALONE

[mars-ipan]

oh my fucking god i hate having an anxiety disorder

#marzivents #currently nonverbal bc the anxiety has made me Nauseous!!! #uh. if anyone has any tips on alleviating physical anxiety please do lmk #so sick of just sitting here stewing in it. i try to go do things so i don’t reinforce it and then i get so ill that i have to limit myself #and people say it’s not a big deal. bitch i cannot talk rn #and i want to!!! real bad!!! #ah well. at least i know why it’s happening this time. i don’t have to question my mental health on top of all this #i know it’s because i have GAD. that makes it a lot easier #still sucks though!!! i hate when i get these like. anxious periods #been an annoying few days man. maybe i’ll shower later #gonna keep rbs open but only if people have advice for dealing with this kinda stuff #bc i’m losing my mind i’m so pissed abt it

[mars-ipan]

i’ve been trying to get more comfortable with calling myself disabled

#marzivents #<- not really a vent but i still want it to go somewhere #i’m not nervous about it in a prideful way #i’m nervous about it in an imposter syndrome way #i went so long being undiagnosed that i still kinda forget that yeah i’m not making it up #and even though my anxiety does get so bad that it actively impedes on my life sometimes #from perfectionism to difficulty setting boundaries to sometimes even an inability to leave the house #(thank you covid for the agoraphobia. i will murder you with my bare hands) #i still feel. weird calling myself disabled #i feel almost like i’m ‘not disabled enough’ #which. obviously is internalized ableism #anxiety especially is one of those mental illnesses that people say are ‘just normal emotions’ #because they cannot fathom someone feeling an emption stronger or differently or more frequently than them apparently #so ig that’s why i tend to feel more ‘normal’ (big air quotes) and like i don’t deserve to call myself disabled #but uh. yeah no The Symptoms are definitely disabling #like i have to avoid certain things (usually tic or migraine triggers) or take things a lot slower bc of it #and that’s. disability accomodation #but idk. i’m not actively dying so i feel like i’m being dramatic or smth #i’m getting better at understanding that i am disabled and not faking it though #which is. good #i imagine it’ll just take some practice and time

[mars-ipan]

i’m having a moment of boiling rage over the way my obvious neurodivergence has been handled by my doctors and attempted therapists

#marzivents #thought one vent post was enough. it is not i am angry #like. ok i’ve known i had /something/ for as long as i can remember #i remember talking with my mom as a kid about whether i should go to therapy #(i for some reason thought it was a thing for older people? idk why) #my main suspect has changed over the years. from social anxiety to gad to depression to adhd to maybe autism? #but that’s not the important part #the important part is that it’s something. and i’ve literally always known this #but every time i try to bring it up. oh you’re fine. oh you’re okay #even my favorite therapist dodged it! she did however acknowledge that yes i was exhibiting Real Symptom but she avoided drawing conclusions #which. honestly fine she can’t technically diagnose me #but it is so frustrating #especially when i compare it to my brother’s experience #my brother was diagnosed with autism at 2. 2!!! #he’s faced a fair bit of ableism from classmates and teachers and i am not going to glorify that #but he’s also always had access to accommodations and he doesn’t need to justify needing anything #i mean it’s to the point where he feels babied. he wants to have his autonomy respected #once again. i’m not glorifying ableism. it genuinely sucks that he’s going through that/has gone through that #but god at least he has a word to call it! he never had to question why some things were hard for him and others were incredibly easy #he never had to question whether he was making all of it up #he never needed a reason to need help. if he needed it that was it. there were no extra questions #i never got that. and i’m not envious of him. but i am a little angry at the fact that i never got that #i doubt myself all the damn time. i hesitate to say that i’m probably not nt #if i’m struggling suddenly it becomes ‘what happened’ and not ‘what’s bothering you’ #instead of ‘we’ll work on it’s i got ‘try to fix it’s #i’m so sick of constantly having to justify it. feeling the need to apologize every time i ask for help #it’s maddening. it drives me crazy #god. i gotta get that fucking diagnosis i’m gonna die at 30 from sheer frustration #i know this about me. i know it. will people please fucking listen #sigh. curse of being afab

[mars-ipan]

sidenote now that the idea of me actually getting a for real diagnosis for something is a VERY REAL possibility for the VERY NEAR future i’m like. getting nervous about it

#marzivents #on one hand. what if they tell me i’m all good when i’m clearly not #that’d fucking suck and hit me with a whole wave of self-doubt #on the other hand. what if they tell me exactly what it is!!!! #like!!!! don’t get me wrong i want a diagnosis so bad. i think #but like…. if i know then like….. idk something about it frightens me!!! #maybe it’s bc i’ve been talking to my dad #he personally never got an official diagnosis bc he didn’t want to have the stigma on him or be put in a box #and that’s like. a very understandable thing to want #but for me it’s like. i want help. if i get a diagnosis not only will doctors respect that i need help but also they will have a starting- #-point to base that help on #i’m willing to take the stigma because i know i have a good support system and i’d be welcomed into whatever community i fall into #i mean i’m already gay and trans right. kinda used to being the weirdo anyways no big deal #but anyways. i think the fear stems from how like. i’ve internalized my lack of diagnosis for so long that it feels like it’s part of me now #so like. once i know. that’s it. there’s.. nothing else #just. therapy and maybe a prescription. which is a whole other can of worms #it’s sorta like how when you’re first learning to recover you’re terrified because being unhealthy is all you’ve known for so long #i wasn’t expecting to run into that feeling again. it makes sense in hindsight though #i dunno. i’m gonna go to bed

[mars-ipan]

#marzivents #sorta #kinda just getting last thoughts out #how the hell do u cope with homesickness #it’s like grief. it’s just sitting there in my chest and i can’t get it to relax #is it grief? what am i grieving? i know i’ll be back soon #maybe i’m grieving my childhood? maybe the stability of home? #maybe the presence of my family. that’s likely

[mars-ipan]

i hate coming back from homeee this is the second time it’s given me an anxiety attack

#marzivents #i like college but leaving home makes me wanna drop out #it’s getting easier each time i think?? but i’m still so stressed out #i’m fucking sad. i miss my family i miss my house i miss my dog #i don’t like being this far from them. it’s only a few hours but. i feel so stranded here #i wanna go home. i like here but this isn’t home. i want to be home #i don’t know that occasional weekends are enough. i miss my fucking family

[mars-ipan]

so much shit is so fucking weird all of the time

#marzivents #idk i’m in a weird headspace lately #i’m heading on a vacation in a couple days. it’s a big vacation #i’m excited! i mean i get to leave the country as a graduation present that’s cool as hell! #but. i dunno there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go??? #i get this a lot before vacations. but in my defense i have a lot to be nervous about! #i’m going to england for three weeks. almost a fucking month #i’m gonna be spending like a week in london with just my brother and i. scary! #that’s a really long time to be away from home. i’m worried i’m gonna get really homesick #i like to travel don’t get me wrong. i was raised to love adventure #but i’ve never been out that far before. i’m worried i’m gonna feel lost #i like having a touchstone of familiarity. like a home base or a trinket or smth #it keeps me grounded #and it’s. hard to find that when you are literally across the atlantic ocean #but i’m the kind of person who gets nervous when i leave that touchstone #i almost feel… stranded?? i guess? #like. if i want to get home it will take x amount of time. i cannot be home for x amount of time #the anxiety is similar to standing on the edge of a diving board when you have a fear of heights #and i don’t like that i feel that way! but i do! #and i’m sure i’ll have fun. but there’s just so much that’s unknown and i hate that #i hate not knowing things it freaks me out #and of course my family rarely thinks to fill me in. idk why i’m like never in the loop #but that happens with friends sometimes too so is it a me thing???? i dunno #so like i know vaguely what will happen #but i don’t know when or for how long #and it’s stressful #and i /really/ don’t wanna be on an airplane for nine hours. i think that’s reasonable #i feel ungrateful but like. i cannot help fretting over all this shit #at the very least i know WHY i’m compelled to worry over this stuff. thank god i got diagnosed #but regardless. i’m scared i won’t lie! i’m out of tags so i have to be done now but. ughhhhh

[mars-ipan]

oh it’s never fucking easy is it

#my room selection timeslot opened so i got in abt 40 minutes ago #i go to pick my room. 'no rooms are available' #i check the room availability website. as of 9 this morning several halls had full availability. #my timeslot opened at 7 tonight and room selection is available well into tomorrow so i doubt they all ran out that quick #though it's not impossible they're all gone apparently there were a lot of freshmen last year #so now i'm writing an email the housing team to figure out what i'm meant to do #(as instructed by the selection portal) #NEVER easy. never fucking easy #i wonder if it's bc i opted in to gender-inclusive housing. i'm not saying i'm being discriminated against i'm just wondering if #the gender-inclusive stuff is gone n it's worried to give me anything else #ANYWHO i gotta send an email and bc it's almost 9 pm they probably won't be back to me until tomorrow #but it's not my fault my timeslot opened at 7 so by the time i got there they probably would have been heading home anywho #(btw i didn't procrastinate i was just eating) #sighhhhhhhhh. i'm booboo the fool here for thinking anything about this would be simple #oh right my tag system. uhhhhhh #marzivents #not the biggest deal but i am venting frustration so idk. i don't give a shit if u rb this one but idk why you would

[mars-ipan]

i want to go eat but my parents are arguing :|

#been a while since they argued #they’ve been yelling on and off for a while today #just glad my brother hasn’t stepped in. it sounds messy enough #i do wish they’d move it out of the kitchen bc i cannot be directly around yelling w/out freaking out #but whatever. at least my appetite’s back #marzivents #<- i’m not too pressed abt it but ppl may want to block it so

[mars-ipan]

ohhhhhh what tbe fuck

#marzivents #this is the wost anxiety attack i’ve had in a while #i changed into easier clothes and currently have a weighted blanket to try to ground me #but my eyes are shot wide open #and talking is bringing me to the verge of tears??? #i noticed i was trembling earlier. i have very steady hands. i don’t tremble #god it’s so much going on. it’s buzzing. my chest my ears my sight it’s all buzzing #my feet are tingling. i hate this #ok i think i’m doomspiraling a bit. gotta try to calm down #gonna . gonna maybe try a meditation video? #sure. #god i wish i knew sign language rn