#idk. craving stability really really bad

[mars-ipan]

ohhh i’m like REALLY homesick huh

#marzivents #might give this the vent tag we’ll find out #i’m on the drive home rn so i’ll be back soon but #still #i think part of it’s college nerves? #idk. craving stability really really bad #i move into my dorm on the 14th #i don’t feel. ready? yet #which i KNOW is normal. but #i mean i don’t even have my license. i feel like i shoulda gotten it years ago #sure i can’t help that covid happened but like. my brother did it. he’s driving us home right now #idk. i don’t feel like an adult #i just want things to stay the same for a little bit but they’re about to change a TON #and that’s really scary #i know it’s scary for everyone but. that doesn’t make it any less scary for me #i know i’ll figure it out. i always do. but fuck i’m scared #i wanna go home. i wish i could be home today #i’m tired of long car rides. they give me too much time to think. i want to stop thinking so much #maybe i’ll grab my headphones and listen to some music. distract myself #man i wish we had tissues in the car. my face is gross now #i’ll be home tomorrow. i can share my concerns then. i’ll be okay #i just hid that crying from my brother i feel like a fucking ninja #probs not the healthiest but it’s ok. i’ll talk about it when he’s not on the highway lmao

[aibloomie]

Hi, it's my first time requesting so idk if it's how I'm supposed to do it- anyway

I really loved your "makout session w genshin boys" it was absolutely adorable. Could it be possible to continue it and add Scaramouche/wanderer ? Ofc if you feel like it, I don't want to bother you. Have a great day! <3

make out sessions with them (continuation)

ft :: scaramouche, childe, and yoimiya x gn!reader

→ ahh omg my first request I was excited while writing this <33 thank you for your sweet words !! I added other characters too so I hope that's okay </3 ignore any typos my bad

nsfw under the cut

→ SCARAMOUCHE

━ honestly his form of kissing really depends on your dynamic with him. like if he's the more assertive one then he'll mess around with you a lot. he'll bite down on your lip hard enough to make you squirm around, and then he'll laugh and tease you about how easy it is to get a reaction from you. maybe he'll even raise one hand to put a light grip on your neck and feel your pulse under his fingertips, enjoying how you put your hands on his chest to further stabilize yourself.

but if you're usually the one in control then it'll be the one time he doesn't bicker with you and instead he'll just let his gaurd down to melt into your intimacy. HE'LL be the one left speechless and won't be able to tease you or anything because he's so focused on the tingly sensation of his numb lips and the warmth that's spreading in his lower abdomen with every move you take

━ likes resting his hands on your waist !! he can easily pull you closer that way, and can feel the goosebumps that rise on your skin when he traces shapes onto it. just in general, he loves making out with you not only because of the feeling, but because it reminds him that you're both real and he is in fact getting the intimacy and love that he oh so desperately craves. the sound of your breathing, the reactions he elicits from you, he's quite literally drunk on you and he wishes to feel that way forever

━ he gets a little nervous when the kissing is slow and gentle, because it gives him time to hear his own thoughts and he becomes increasingly aware that you can notice every single little thing. you can hear the way he quietly moans into the kisses, and if you caress his face you can feel how he's burning up. and of course, you can hear the multiple layers of fabric he has on rustling whenever he moves his body to be closer to you

━ sometimes (although rarely), he completely submits to you. it's mostly when his fear of abandonment washes up again at his doorstep and leaves him needing any form of reassurance from you. he'll be particularly sensitive, shivering when you trace your fingers up and down his body. he'll plead quietly under his breath, wanting to know your every thought and intention with him

━ afterwards he tries to hide his face with his hat because he's a mess and he doesn't want anyone to see his flushed cheeks and swollen lips (or the messy hair that he now has from you gripping onto it/pulling it earlier) in general, it's shocking to him every time because he never thought he would have felt such overwhelming feelings and urges towards a person considering his past

→ CHILDE

━ sessions usually happen after the two of you have been playfully arguing with each other because in his eyes you're so cute when you're pretending to be mad at him and he can't help but just pull you in for a kiss and that's how it starts.

"oh? I thought you were mad at me." childe teased as you straddled his hips, getting yourself comfortable because he was just so tempting.

"shut up." you mumbled while trying to hide a smile, "it's not my fault you purposely rile me up."

━ also happens when he gets a lot of adrenaline. being chased by some guards together? you can bet that the minute you guys have hidden well, he'll want to push you up against the nearest tree and press his lips against yours <3 it's his favorite combo, adrenaline and his one true love? he's spontaneous and gets bored if everything is always the same, he likes taking risks

━ likes to be a little shit so sometimes he holds your head in place with his hands and pulls away just to hear you mumble a complaint and to see the way you're only looking at his lips while trying to catch your breath.

→ YOIMIYA

━ you know she's in the mood the minutes she sits right next to you with her thighs touching yours. she starts off with small gestures <3 like holding your hand and tracing the lines on your palms. then she turns your head more her way and begins to excitedly leave soft and quick kisses all over your face while telling you how much she adores you. after that is when she pulls back and scans your face with crinkled eyes and a smile, then she presses her lips eagerly against yours <33

━ if you wear necklaces or any other accessory that's easy to grab, then she'll unconsciously reach for it and fiddle with it. she's also a fan of passing a piece of candy back and forth while kissing you, it just makes the experience sweeter yet makes her cheeks burn because you guys are sharing something in such a intimate way

━ she's so cute she makes happy noises while kissing !! like sometimes she'll let out laughs in between or joyful hums. she has a lot of energy so you're usually the one who has to pull completely away first

#genshin headcanons #genshin x reader #genshin smut #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche smut #childe x reader #childe smut #tartaglia x reader #yoimiya x reader

[jonathan-samuel-smith]

I think that Jon likes Naruto and Dami is just writing a shoujo is the funniest thing ever

Like Dami would look at shonen and "yep, my parents are fucked up too" or "based" (he also like shonen but he's not too fanboy over it) because he life is a mess, he family have a lot of problems (the all are a bunch of crazy people, they all love each other but still...)

And then he just opens a shoujo because "oh I wish my life was simple like that" and Jon is just "... do you want to talk about it Dami?" "Yeah They're finally holding hands" and Jon is just very worried about this bat

Dami likes shoujo and slice of life stories make so much sense, he really likes these domestic life stories where nothing bad happened

DC has the opportunity to put the more edge Dami possible after Alfred and Ra's dead but here we have Dami, hugs his cow and reads things as Kimi ni Todoke, Skip and Loafer, Say I love you and stuff

I also believe Dami would love Vinland Saga (former child soldier gives up of violence and starts a farm) and things like that

(in the start Jon was happy because he had something to share with Dami, but now he just worries)

Idk I just want to share this though with someone

Absolutely!

Jon reads shounen because he likes stories where what's bad is obvious to nearly everyone and they can actually do something about it. He likes the teamwork and friendship because he's lonely. He likes the excitement because he's from a small town. And then it becomes something familiar, a friend to him. I don't think Jon just likes it because Ninjas are cool, I think he probably sees it as a microcosm of society and human behavior, to some extent.

Jon likes the idea of being brave and facing things head on. Damian knows that some things it's better to just walk away from.

Shoujo is his way of studying human behavior, it's the kind of interaction he's never been party to and it's the perfect escapism for one that lives such a dramatic life. I think he and Jon watched The Devil is a Part Timer together when it aired. Jon loved the brief action sequences but Damian adored the love story and the once-villain now getting to live an every day life and be content. He probably related to the main character. I think Jon loves wholesome moments so he was pretty happy with it.

I think Damian starts reading slice of life Yuri because he relates to the gayness of it but comphets himself into thinking it's because he likes girls. But you can take or leave that headcanon.

I think part of why Damian likes Jon so much is because he's so sturdy and dependable and Damian craves stability whereas Jon loves the vitality and vibrancy of Damian, who is capable of bringing out his best and his worst, who shows him new and exciting things, but who is ultimately there for him when he needs comfort even though he never thought to ask for it. Jon is ordinary and stable like a shoujo manga and Damian is exciting and cool like a shounen manga.

I really love the idea of Damian trying his hand at being a mangaka/manga artist and he's writing shoujo and he shows it to people and they're like "why is the male love interest like Jon and the female love interest like you?" And he screams at them and goes to change it but he can't bring himself to change it too much because he likes it as it is.

He goes "Damn it. I don't care what they say, this is just good writing. I'm finishing it like this."

When he shows it to Jon, he finds himself uncharacteristically nervous for some "unknowable reason".Jon fawns over it and asks Damian to draw him a poster of the main girl because he thinks she's so cute, and he wants to hang it up in his room and look at it every day. Meanwhile the girl literally looks like Damian with makeup and a sailor fuku.

He briefly becomes obsessed with Damian's oc and draws fan art and infodumps to him about headcanons and they're all things that Damian cut out about her that made her more like him and Jon's talking about how she's so cute and he would love to date her. Damian's thinking "I wish I was a girl. Then I could date Jon and we would be so happy. But I'm not so I'll just move on with my life I guess." (This is not an egg Dami moment in my story but if you'd want to write trans Dami here go for it)

Then later Jon comes out as bisexual (the poster is still up in his room next to his bi flag but he's not obsessed anymore) and Damian literally cheers out loud and Jon's like "oh my friend is happy for me!" And Damian is having gay panic "WHY AM I SO ELATED ABOUT THIS?!" and he realizes he's in love with Jon, and now he's embarrassed that his brothers were right and he was writing about Jon.

--

One day Damian starts a conversation:

"So, Jon. Do you remember Suzuki Amaya from my manga I wrote in 8th grade?"

"Yeah! I love her." Damian's heart skips a beat. "Remember when she almost killed that guy who tried to mug Hishiro? Hishiro didn't even need the help but he was just turning into goo over her saving him and so was I! I mean it's really sweet in a fucked up kind of way, you know?"

"I..." Damian pauses to clear his throat. "I wrote that story about us, without ever really intending to... because when I think of slice of life I think of it as warm and comforting and domestic, and when I think of home... I think of you. It's always been you."

"Oh thank Rao I'm not the only one who thought Amaya was just like you. She always acted so cute and seeing her happy just made me so happy too. I wanted to be Hishiro and make you happy like he did for her but... I mean... I didn't know-- you like guys, right? This is a confession?" Jon asked, looking for confirmation.

Damian scoffed. "Yes, you idiot. I like you. How else do you want me to say it?"

Jon released the tension in his body language. "Any way is fine as long as you're the one saying it. You know I like you better than Suzuki, right? Cause she's not you. You're you. And you're... amazing. Really, Dami, I mean it. I love everything about you. Even the things I dislike about you I like, because I associate them with you. You're my morning star. My guiding light, you--"

Damian talks through a smirk. "Your son-of-two-writers is showing. I love you too."

Jon smiles. "Can I kiss you?"

Damian had been sitting perched on the backrest of the couch and he clambers down to sit next to Jon, their knees brushing. Damian nervously balls his fists up in his lap. "I've never done this before. Can you give me a moment?"

Jon nods. "I guess my secret's out, now. You know that when I said all that embarrassingly mushy stuff about Suzuki I was really talking about you... I was such a cringe pre-teen. Oh Rao, I kissed the poster on her cheeks when I was pining after you... look at you getting red, you're so--" Jon is cut off by Damian knocking his teeth into Jon's in a botched attempt at a kiss.

Jon lovingly places his hand over Damian's cheek and uses it to guide their faces to slot together nicely as they share their real first kiss. It's closed mouth, warm, soft, they can feel short soft stubble where their faces meet. Damian remembers to close his eyes and just feel. He forgets that he doesn't even know what to do with his hands. He forgets all the worries he had about Jon rejecting him and their friendship ending. They break away.

"I think I'm going to have enough material for a second book." Damian tells Jon.

---

So there's my minific, I think I'll come back and polish it up later. I hope I did your idea justice! Thanks for the ask! Come back anytime.

#damian wayne #jonathan samuel kent #damian al ghul wayne #jondami #jon kent #supersons #super sons #Jonathan Kent #fanfic #my fanfic #ask answered #anon ask #headcanons #text post #fanfic talk #writing #dc comics #damijon

[mommyvirgo111]

pick a pile: what u need to know rn

disclaimer: pick a pile readings r for a collective so it might not all resonate, if it doesn’t apply let it flow. but i do still hope this resonates for someone.

pile 1 ✿

”when will it be my turn?” it will be ur turn when u decide to finally stop wondering will it be ur turn and prioritize ur needs instead of your wants. sometimes everything can’t happen right now, don’t lose hope bc something isn’t happening right when you want it to. be patient. this group is craving stability or really wants to reach a goal but keeps encountering things or losing motivation. but things just don’t happen overnight u need to trust the universe’s timing and put in the work to achieve ur goals as well. nothing will happen if u don’t put in the effort for these things to happen but that doesn’t mean that u need to rush. take accountability for urself ♡︎.

song that matches the vibe:

pile 2❥

someone is in love, huh? it’s a very beautiful thing to love & accept that love too. u deserve love & to feel loved idk i feel like this group has hard time opening up in terms to love like when y’all realize that u have interest in someone or when y’all are in a situationship/relationship and things get too deep it’s like y’all wanna run away. but in order be with this person you want to be with or that you currently are with, you have to accept love. you have to accept their flaws and you have to be able to come to terms with the fact that you have some too. for those who picked this pile and not in a relationship or in love, you need to stop criticizing yourself so much. there may be some issues with self-image, stop comparing urself to people. be more gentle to yourself. who says you can’t be in a relationship with yourself? treat yourself the way you want your ideal partner to you. do u treat urself with care? and i don’t mean doing face masks or over-spending in the name of self-love. have you sat with yourself and really absorbed the fact that you are you, despite everything you have come to be the person you are now and that is amazing. self-love is like healing, there’s always ups and down’s. and it’s not always pretty. overall, single or not this group needs to become more accepting of love in all forms❦.

song that matches the vibe:

pile 3☆

i feel like this group has been upset/ sad bc something didn’t go the way they expected. at work? school? somewhere away from home. either that or some recent experience really humbled you. and it has left this group feeling defeated or wanting to give up. was this thing that went wrong last minute? or job interview didn’t work out? rejection = redirection. sometimes things don’t work out. and that’s okay. please try not to dwell on this issue too much i promise there are better things arising for you. life has many paths and sometimes those paths have bumpy roads. continue to do your best. big changes coming up regarding ur $$ in mid march- early april. its not a bad thing i feel like its either a promotion or a better job, or regarding financial aid for school. overall, you’re doing well. keep going and it’s okay to take breaks.

song that matches the vibe:

#Spotify #pick a pile #what you need #love reading #career reading #general reading #tarot #self love #pink #tarot pac

[wwhatev3r]

Hello :) Hope you're having a great day! So excited that your requests are open again! Could I request some headcanons for dating Liebgott?

Joe Liebgott  || Relationship Headcanons

Warning: NSFW CONTENT Notes: I hope this is good, I tried my best to look over his MBTI, birth chart and also use my perspective and intuition. <3 Idk, I felt a way bigger responsibility when I was making this one because Lieb is loved by a lot of people.

– He treats you like a Queen. 

– At first he was a little hesitant about dating you because he feels like you deserve better. 

– His main love language is definitely physical touch. 

– He will make you swoon. He’ll be doting in a physical way, very touchy, very about gifts, very protective over you and to the surprise of everyone, slightly clingy and needy.

– He just can’t take his hands off of you. 

– And subtlety is not with him, Joe loves PDA. 

– When you’re  in public he always has an arm around you. 

– Dancing in pubs? Yup, that’s a big yes for him.

– You will hate to play board games with him because he’s really sneaky so he cheats and hides the cards all the time; he just wants to win.

– He’s so understanding! Doesn't matter if you have different interests and hobbies, he will listen to you talking about it and learn about them.

– Joe is always looking for adventures and trying new things so there’s no getting bored with him.

– But also likes to stay at home and just read his comics with you in peace and quiet sometimes too. 

– Joe is the type of guy who finds a lot of comfort in his family and home; for him, it’s the most important thing he has. Is where he finds stability, love and security. 

– He craves for a successful domestic life. 

–You will be one of the few people who knows parts of him that nobody else does and maybe even parts that he doesn't even know about himself. 

– This cocky bastard flirts and teases you 24/7

– He has so many nicknames for you: Doll, Princess/Prince, Baby, Sweetheart, Love, Beautiful, Gorgeous… I could keep going. 

–Maybe Wife or Wifey too, if you say yes? :3

– Now, some bad things: Joe can be a little stubborn, impulsive and overprotective sometimes. 

– And sometimes that can drive to some ugly situations because of jealousy; not with you but with other people. 

– May no one dare to make you uncomfortable, touch you or hurt you.

– He knows how to control his feelings but that’s one of the few things who pisses him off and not because he’s insecure or because he doesn't trust you. No! Joe has a really strong sense of duty and self-esteem. 

–He will not get physical unless it is really necessary; he will only put an arm around you and kiss you in front of the guy that is bothering you and ask him if he needs something. (And probably make some satiric and mean jokes too.) 

– But he’s so passionate, he’s literally so goddamn intense.

– Took him a while to trust you before you started dating but the moment he realized the size of his feelings you became the most important person in his life. 

– Not gonna lie, before you started dating he acted like a little kid does when they like someone in kindergarten: be competitive with you, annoy you, be mean to you for no reason and steal your stuff and hide it. 

– Now, let’s get into the angst side of this.

– Joe has PTSD due to the war so that’s something you’re going to have to help him with.

– He told you: “I’m not the same person I was before the war.” 

– He wanted to make sure you knew about the weight that he was carrying and if you’re willing to help him carry that weight, and if you had the patience too because now there was really big walls to be broken.

– But it is all worth it because that vulnerable, caring and understanding side of Joe it’s so dreamy and the fact that you’re one of the few people who gets to see it makes it so special. 

NSFW 

– Sorry but this man has both his Mars and Venus in Aries… holy sh- bye. 

– So👏good👏in👏bed👏

– And for what? To make you feel good, that’s for what.

– He’s very confident so Joe knows what he’s doing! 

– In bed he is really intense too, passionate and with a strong temperament.

– Joe is spontaneous and avoids restrictions.

– He’s definitely rough instead of gentle, unless you ask him (nicely ;)

– Joe likes to take the lead, but if you tease him and try to take the lead he will appreciate the effort and then have his revenge. (I don’t recommend it.)

– There’s no playing games with him, he is really up front, direct and bold. 

– If you turn him on from how beautiful you look  or when he’s ready to go for it in a public place… he is going to tell you right there in that moment. 

– Oh, but he absolutely loves the sexual tension!!!!

– You know, you and Joe have this little competition when you are in public you tease each other to see who is the first one to give up and beg for it. 

– Joe has a really high libido and also he’s very impatience and energetic so that says enough. 

– He absolutely loves to keep things fresh and try new things. He just wants to have fun and make you feel good. 

– Joe definitely has a kink for over stimulation, orgasm denial, dirty talk and praising.

– He loves to see you lose your shit with a smirk on his face. 

– Sharing you, hurting you or using any type of degrading things is a BIG NO for him. 

– Going back to the dirty talk: I do believe he’s one of the few guys in Easy Co. that is into that: “That’s it baby, I know you can take it.” 

– Yes, the big dick energy It’s true indeed, It’s not a rumor everyone!!. (I’m literally dying while writing this but I’m giving my honest opinion so fuck it.)

– Sometimes he can be a little selfish in bed and quick to jump to the main act, without much foreplay. 

– Oh but when he doesn’t he is so good at it. 

– He absolutely loves when you play with his hair, principally when he’s going down on you. He’s really sensitive there. 

– Or when you grab his face to make him look into your eyes. 

– Make that begging eye gaze and he will drop on his knees.

xoxo <3

#band of brothers #easy company #joe liebgott #joe liebgott headcanons #joe liebgott x reader #hbo war

[cloudiness]

tag 9 people you want to get to know better

tagged by @ammargura ❤️

I've been tagged in two different posts but I'm lazy and since some of the questions were the same ones I'm making one single bigger post 😌

favorite color: green

currently reading: I've read like 5 pages of "The House in the Cerulean Sea", bought it just because it seems very 'harry potter fanfiction' like, idk, I'm bad at actively reading books in this period of my life so I've thought that something closer to fanfic could help, we'll see

last song: ONE MORE TIME by blink-182 😭

last series: last finished one is 'The Bear' but last one I've seen an episode of is 'Only Murders in the Building'

last movie: "Stranizza D'Amuri"(2023), I think it's called "Fireworks" in English, it's an Italian movie inspired by a real story of a gay teen couple and the very close-minded italian society of the 80s, I liked it a lot

sweet/savory/spicy: savoury

currently working on: finding new jobs by collaborating with some other fellow photographers and trying to edit and post new and old stuff on my instagram for work but it's hard because I'm not used to posting photos there anymore

three ships: this is hard, the list is just soooo long but ok, just three:

Shwatsonlock (Watson/Holmes)((not BBC Sherlock)), Ritchie09! and Book!Verse, the fics are just so good! you can always find something new and they never disappoint, I'm honestly still hoping for a third movie 😭

Harringrove (Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington from Stranger Things), again, AMAZING FICS! their whole dynamic is just ON ANOTHER LEVEL! killing Billy Hargrove has been the greatest mistake the damn Duffer brothers have ever made and nope, Eddie didn't solve anything, I love him but he's just the 'this one can't be cancelled by people that don't have any critical sense' new version of Billy, I said what I said

Carlando (Carlos Sainz Jr/Lando Norris, RPS from F1), gotta go with them because they bring me joy(carlando podium last week wow) and also gotta mention the many lovely people I've met on here thanks to this ship, I love out little community ❤️🧡

first ship ever: Frerard aka Frank Iero/Gerard Way from My Chemical ROmance, yup I think that the first time I've actually read a fanfic it was about these two and I've never stopped since, I was 13, 2006, and "The Black Parade" was about to come out, good ol' times

currently craving: a little bit of more stability and a new spark of creativity

tags: @artemispt @carletes @underatedwords @wdcmaxy @blorbocedes @justheretoship @clovermotors @the-toasted-teacake @electricdoves but also whoever wants to do this, feel free! I really am curios about everyone 😌❤️

#the 3 ships part it's just so hard..like what about ineffable husbands!? gentlebeard!? all the different RPS?! BANDom? very old ships?!? #anyway #don't feel like you must do this if you're tagged <3 #about me #tag game #tumblr

[oscill4te]

.

learning that they still ask about me was probably the worst info for me to learn bc its hard enough missing someone u cant return too, but having to keep the self discipline to not go back to your loser middle aged ex cuz u misssssssss the positive attention and cuddles even if it comes w abuse(?) and u know they'd say yes yes yes and invite you over any day of the week is so whack (and ik I call them a loser but im aware im a loser too for missing someone like them. I admit it whole heartedly.)

But i need to remember its a pandoras box deal. I go back, i lose all the progress and stability i made. I will hurt them in some way, i am literally bad for them. i am too unhealthy and unstable for them to have in their life (they are more ill than me...). When im with someone who doesnt respect basic boundaries or is verbally abusive i get so angry and dish my anger out. And we always foght and fought. If i told people who this person was they would be sickened i even miss someone like that or care about hurting them. I know i shouldn't miss someone like them!! sick and disgusting person. I never say it lightly. this person is genuinely horrible. I know that. also if i go back My phone will be filled with horrible violating voicemails that hurt to much to even talk about. blocking someones # doesnt stop the voicemails ... i cant go back no matter how lonely i feel

On reddit i made a throwaway account to talk about it when I left the relationship last year. someone said i should reflect on why i tolerated someone like that, work on healing and refrain from dating. (True). another said with (redacted mental illness) i really really should not date people around the age of those who are the reason i even developed the illness... (suckz bc i prefer older people but oh well. They are right. I need to stick to 20s and 30s. Not that im gonna ever date again tho, i only crave toxic relationships anyways. I only would ever want to date my ex. Idk. There will be nothing like the dynamic we had. 2 truly sick people.)

Bruh :(

I only left bc i learned they hurt other people in ways i find so sickening. Yet i miss someone like that. lovely

#general tw #trauma dump

[revvnant]

also since i'm always shitting on will i feel i must say that michael. really does love his father. and never stops loving his father. and this brings him immense shame, given that he ( in his own mind ) only exists to avenge the dead children. his hesitation and discomfort with seeing william injured feels hypocritical to him, but there's nothing he can do about it. william raised him, and things were not always bad. they were close. they relied on each other. they were, at times, co-dependent, i think. michael was william's only constant for years, and vice versa. they were the survivors. they were the ones with matching faces. as much as they hated what they saw of themselves in each other, it was also comforting. and the stability offered by an immortal enemy? cannot be overstated. michael wouldn't know what to do without springtrap. william gives him purpose. he needs william to be there so he has something to define himself in opposition to. and he needs william to love him. he craves it. he wants affirmation and validation and affection and love. he wants his father to love him so badly that it keeps him up at night. he both feels he's unworthy of it and rankles at the idea that it's being withheld, and that contradiction just sits inside of him like lead. he wants to stop william. he knows that makes william angry. he knows it's the right thing to do. but he sometimes resents the perceived obligation to do it because of how hard he has to swallow those intense emotions. girl idk. play that song from arcane and understand.

#w3. headcanons #|| they're everything to me... #|| you're my fanky stein... and im ur monster...

[boydykedoctor]

ik ab a few of them but what are your wips rn?

a one-shot basically covering argyle's drive back to california after leaving the byers in hawkins. it's a mix of reflections about his past and his family on top of his relationship with the byers pre-season 4. and it might end up being a little bit too silly and formulaic to do this (idk yet) but i'm considering having him process all the new information about MKUltra and the Upside Down through seven micro-stages of grief. just for fun.

unofficially-officially titled "chrissy cunningham and the terrible horrible no good very bad ketamine trip" and this is the one i've told you about. multi-chapter. we pick up with chrissy in eddie's trailer in season 4, but we see her live through the night (and day) afterward until a confrontation with her mom triggers the vecna vision that killed her in the season. and then she wakes up in eddie's trailer again. babygirl is in a timeloop. i want to really lean into the horror elements of the season and get a little experimental/weird. the circumstances of how she actually got into the timeloop are pretty important so i don't want to give too much away. (this won't be in the fic but i do think her Russian Doll restart song is the chorus of super trouper by abba.)

^ those are my top priority fics atm.

3. final chapter of shrike cause dear god it needs to get fucking done

4. lumax fic i was planning prior to season 4 when we had a little bit of info about what would happen in the season, which is definitely not going to be canon-compliant if i manage to get it done. it takes place over fall-winter of 1985 and is basically about their relationship crumbling and then coming back together again. largely about max having uncomfortable Gender Feelings^TM and everyone mistaking that for grief over b*lly and lucas having Sexuality Feelings and anyways this is the fic with Hellfire Anti-Prom.

5. continuation of king steve buys weed that will 1. retcon the original fic to be more canon-compliant just so i can go canon-uncompliant again and 2. covers the more slowburn mob-mentality hawkins-is-eating-itself story i've been craving. oh and 3 lets me write horny steddie because i deserve it.

edit: 6. oh my GOD i forgot to mention the fic about el that picks up immediately post season 3 and is about her move-in with the byers and reaching a kind of shaky stability right before they move.

#ask #thanks for asking CC: #gail tag #in reality i'll probably be stagger-posting the chapters of these different things but i'm trying to get them mostly outlined so i don't #have another 80k+ monstrosity on my hands

[strscrossed]

If I were in the SNK universe, I would've wanted Jean too. He's all I ever wanted in a man. And his name is so moanable LMAOOO.

(Too bad, Mikasa doesn't love him, but I do hehe)

LOL idk about a moanable name but at this stage in my life, he's exactly what i want in a man because he craves stability and peaceful family life. which tbh, that's exactly what i want. also i just think he'd be a really good husband.

#answered

[bl00dybat]

i just feel so hollow and sad most days, so alone. i cant afford my meds right now and its really fucking me up. my nightmares have been worse and my anxiety. nothing feels enough to distract, everyday passes in a blur and feels just as pointless as the next. i wish i could hangout with someone near me but there just isnt anyone. the one friend i made always cancels cause her husband doesn't like her hanging out with people. idk im just trying to find some peace of mind. im tired of struggling, all around me i see people who are successful, who grinded so much and can now experience financial stability and a job doing stuff they love. everyday i crave it and convince myself it wouldn't be worth it to die because its possible to turn around and have a better life. i cant stop stressing myself over it and feeling defeated when everyday seems like a dead end. fuck i just want to feel confident and comfortable in my art again, fuck i just want to finish all the pieces i need to so i can have a finished portfolio, go into shops and get a fucking apprenticeship already. i think about it all day everyday yet i get easily overwhelmed with my art cause im already so stressed with everything, im constantly comparing myself and never feeling like enough. when will i be enough? i feel so far from the person that is me. i dont want to hate myself, find myself disgustint and unworthy of love, i want to heal i NEED to heal so i can move forward in life it just feels so impossible right now. depression has me desperately trying to find comfort in my vices, anything to feel some form of control and peace, anything to not focus on the endless misery i feel. please please just let me be okay. i want to be happy so bad. i want to be a weight i feel comfortable at and not constantly hyper aware of how it looks every second, i dont want to think, i want to eat healthy and feel happy and energized by what i eat, not constantly having to eat fast food or unhealthy shit in general cause its cheap and we're poor. i miss having a job where i could really save money, i miss having a working car, i miss my friends who lived nearby, but have now moved all over the place, some really succeeding in life. im so happy for them and so jealous. my family looks at my life and just sees struggle, my dad literally saying "you need to move out of there soon so you can escape this miserable existence youre living". if it looks so miserable to everyone else how can i not feel miserable? im trying to be optimistic. im trying. i just want a break from everything that hurts so much. i put so much pressure on my art because getting an apprenticeship is my key out of this shit, i can only escape this situation myself and if i can get that, within a year i could be a full-time artist living my dreams, saving, and otw to my own apartment and so much more. i *have* to do this. please universe just help me be something and get somewhere, im tired of suffering im tired of my brain ruining life for me..

[growandrecover]

Idk if you're still active in this account but anyway. I was in quasi-recovery since Feb 2022 and I started real recovery and being committed in Feb/March 2023. I gained 3 pant sizes since then, and I stabilized in that weight months ago. I think I kinda plateaud. The thing is, I don't really trust continuing to eat what I want and as much as my body asks (the cravings and the extreme hunger have lowered a lot but I still feel like I'm eating too much and too many cravings for "bad food") I just feel like I'll keep gaining if I don't have any control over that. I also do moderate movement, like walking, dancing and some yoga/stretching when I feel like it and when I need a break for my mental health, but I don't do it everyday nor am I super consistent because burnout from a really stressful, busy and traumatic year leaves me tired and I just want to rest. I feel like I won't stop, like I haven't plateaud and I will continue to gain.

I've always had wide hips, really big thighs and big arms so it's already kinda tricky finding some clothes in shops. I'm scared of not being able to fit in airplane sits, that I will just have a worse life due to gaining more weight, because no amount of self-acceptance denies that you're treated less like a human depending on how big you are. I feel way better since I started recovery but societal fatphobia and my fear of gaining weight make me anxious and scared. I also fear I will never find love. I'm learning to love myself and I don't base my self-worth on a romantic partner, but I still want to experience genuine love in which someone actually loves my body, and that my body won't be an impediment to have a partner (i'm bi). I'm also desperate everyday to know if I'll lose overshoot, I hope so but I fear it won't happen. I have made a lot of progress with food but I fear it will be hijacked due to these problems. I feel like my body works against me. I just want to be normal, and I feel like I'll never be if I gain more.

I know this is a lot but I'm desperate and I've had an extremely rough year, I really don't have anyone to talk about this. I hope you have some advice. Thanks for reading me ❤️

Hi, anon.

Let me start off by saying how proud I am of you. Not only for being in recovery, but for being aware enough of your body's tolerance levels and being able to limit your exercise. That's so amazing, I'm really happy for you.

About your weight gain, I'd say that since you've plateaued, you should be able to continue eating what you've been eating. If your body is craving certain things, it's probably trying to tell you that you're not getting enough of whatever it is. Craving "bad foods" (there's also no such thing as good and bad foods, they all nourish your body and keep you going, but I get your point) might mean that you're missing certain things like fats, salt, sugar, etc.

As for the clothing, lots of things in stores aren't designed for some body types. I've always had a hard time with jeans, even before my ed. My size would fit me in the thighs, but be too big everywhere else. It's really all dependent on the designer. If you can, try not to let that get you down. Maybe you could google some brands that work for other people with your body type, and try those out and see if they fit you better.

Gaining weight is a huge fear factor in the recovery process, and your fears are completely valid. Unfortunately, you're right. People do treat people differently based on how they look. But you know what? People that are worth your time, love, and attention won't care about what you look like, or what size you are (the sizing is all a joke anyways). I know that sometimes stuff like that is hard to take because your initial reaction may be, "Yeah, right. That does nothing for me.", but it's true. I've been lucky enough to have people in my life that don't judge me based on my body or appearance, but lots of people don't share that. You will find a partner who will love every single inch of your body, and won't care if it changes. I've felt the exact same way (and sometimes I still do), but I can guarantee you that the perfect person will come along and adore you for you.

Also, the people who go along with societal pressures, like judging others for who they are, and what they look like, are most likely insecure themselves. Seeing people be who they are, and not ashamed of themselves makes some people angry. You have no control over that. If some people don't accept you for your body, that's okay. Sometimes I think about all the people I've seen be body shamed online. People will dislike you for anything. They'll hate you for being too thin, too "average", or too big. There's quite literally no winning here. If you try to care a little bit less about how others perceive your body, you'll be much happier, I promise.

A big turning point for me was realizing that no matter what size I was, pre-ed, during my ed, and during the first part of recovery, I didn't like the way I looked. So I might as well pick the choice that let me live with as little food restrictions as possible, right?

You *have* made a lot of progress with food, and you should be proud of that. The things that you're doing aren't hijacking your accomplishments. Recovery isn't linear. You're going to have bad times with your body and food, but you've still made wonderful achievements. And you *are* normal. Your size doesn't determine who you are. It can feel like it, for sure. But as an outside party, you're normal. Your mind is telling you you're not, and society may be as well. But as another person with an ed, as another human, you're normal, and you're perfect just the way you are.

I really hope this helps, and best of luck to you in your recovery. You're doing beautifully.

If you need someone to talk to, you can message me if you'd like, anon. <3 Or if you'd rather stay anonymous, you can just send more asks if that works better for you!!

#asks

[ask-lunticas-characters]

Kinda fucked that, with having moved it being nothing helpful to our mental stability and health, had to have kids in the house for 2 nights, which of course was triggering all sorta shit, but than our anti-anxiety meds havny been refilled and have now been 4 days off it.......we just feel like it's an average day from middleschool highschool.

Like our brain feels that it's that time period, and as such no5hing feels wrong, despite it all being wrong.

Sleeping has been the ptsd of only really getting sleep via eventual passing out once given a safe enough time period.

Food is literally an after thought, like after checking everything else we will go "maybe food will help?"

Forgetting the dogs are not just a chore but in fact one is our service dog and can actually help.

When faced with having to put on clothing to take the dogs out, it was an instant freeze and panic response.

Constant inability to sit still, trying to clean everything, so every choir, fearing reprimand from our partner for things, fully understanding those fears being built from the parents and current brain time period thing.

We hadn't even been craving soda threw the worst of it. Like we drink 2 soda min daily, usually. Bad days, extra stressed, triggered, ect, we will have more, think this recent highest score was like 6. but keeping track is hard with the rapid switching and shit.

But for like 2-3 days we wanted nothing. No soda, water was meh. Nothing else tempting.

Even today we had plenty of "no more soda" which, fair.

If the teeth brushing didn't have an app that reminds us nightly, we likely wouldn't manage that either.

But despite all that

We feel..... fine?

More like emotionally numb with that "might as well" mode towards it all...

Idk

It's 2am, our self imposed bed time is 11pm.

But we've constantly seen our system stick to a time period that between 9pm and 3am is being triggered time and that sometimes means can't sleep till after 3.

[crescendeyes]

I am grateful for

As we enter the month of July-Aug, I felt like I should really analyse what I am thankful for and count my blessings a little.

I know being critical of yourself is embedded in our DNA to humble ourselves from delusion. There is a beauty in delusion - its either things are SUPER DUPER BAD or FINE AND DANDY.

Being extremely fearful avoidant, I find myself constantly confusing people and myself on the decisions that I make. It is a constant push and pull that I struggle with all my life with a lack of awareness of it's existence.

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style distrust others and withdraw from relationships in order to avoid rejection. This leads people with a fearful-avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.

Struggling to manage this part of my life, I managed to fall into the traps of despair every time I make a decision. They were either too reckless or too careful - never anything in between.

So, in order to re-evaluate the quarter of my life, before I turn 30, I won't be a list of things I want to achieve. Instead, I want to count my blessings and start showing gratitude to myself and my life, including the people who made it possible for these little celebrations.

Set boundaries and realise what my dealbreakers are in a relationship.

Let me explain - in the past, I would fight for a relationship and continue to work on it till there was nothing left behind except resentment. MAYBE, just MAYBE, if Aaron and I didn't breakup the first time around and I didn't have to grow up after the string of bad luck in 2022, I could tolerate and continue to work on relationships like I used to. So, being able to set boundaries and be honest with myself what I want to keep vs don't was the biggest step I took to self love and actualisation.

2. Love someone twice

Some might find this very toxic but if you never try, you'll never know. Hence, no. 1.

3. Performed for a huge festival in the second time of my life

Yes, I performed at Peakstorm Festival to open for Joji. While it may not seem like a feat for most musicians and artist, but it was once in a life time opportunity that I will forever be grateful for.

4. Moved out

I finally did it. There is no way I can describe how lucky I feel to get a place that I only dreamt of getting back in 2020 - and it took 3 years to rent this place. Although, rent is expensive and I am looking for opportunities to move to a new place that would be more affordable. 2024 is a time I wanna focus on growing my wealth and saving money.

5. Travelling with Aaron, meeting each others family, a sense of stability....

It is difficult for me to find stability cause I've never known it all my life. But even for that short period of time, visiting his family and travelling to Taiwan & Phuket, I felt like this is it. He is my forever, and his family and friends LOVE me. Unfortunately, no. 1 was the path I decided to take.

6. Dad

Dad is better now and we are planning to travel to Copenhagen and London together as a family.

7. Mum

Mum is open to the idea of counselling and started to see a therapist after hearing me out. In a way, I'm lucky she was even open to it for assistance. I love her.

8. Miso

Miso was with me since 6 June 2023, she has lived with me for 17 days and she will forever be the best emotional support kitty in my life. I have never had a cat with me before so it was an amazing experience. I will miss her so so dearly <3

9. Fixed my relationship with Cel & Cam

10. I'm travelling again

11. I am not chasing relationships anymore

12. I am in a good stable career

13. I have a manager that trust me and doesn't micro manage me - plus, he kinda has a thing for me or something idk.

14. I got a new tattoo this year so yay

15. Aaron is making tiktok videos of me while I am seemingly unbothered by it

16. I now know Hoeden is not my real friends.

17. I am learning how to swim.

18. I attended Harpreet & Nicole's wedding this year.

19. I ACTUALLY became friends with Aaron Chan? Wow. lol. The universe is weird.

20. I have great friends and made more this year.

21. People LOVE my apartment and they often compliment it hehe

22. Renewed my insurance policy because I can afford it bitches.

So there will be more blessings and I can't count but I always do my best to remember them whole heartedly.

If you read it this far, thank you. I hope this brings you peace.

#amandalovexm #personal #growth #perspective

[troglobite]

hm

well. nothing like having a full-blown identity crisis to help destabilize you further during a time when you're going to be completely fucking stressed out chasing down answers to all this health shit. lol

ANYWAY

so unmasking autism the book gave me the beginnings of a legitimate full-blown identity crisis. and then considering taking an online independent poetry class taught by a prof that i've worked w before & like triggered the rest of it.

and i've really just spent the rest of the week in fucking shambles. having really bad brain days. just falling apart. and then i woke up today already having an anxiety attack (my dreams were completely fine, so it wasn't even that) and then i've just felt. bad. all day.

and now after talking to my mom abt it for 2 hrs and just thinking out loud abt everything that's been eating me alive all week.

well. my neck and shoulders and jaw are incredibly tense. i have a headache. i cried a bit, which used up several of the tissues that we have left in the house (which isn't many--we urgently need more). i'm gonna have to take some aleve. and i'm tired and overwhelmed.

but also. i, for once in my life, actually felt the weight lift a bit after talking about it.

idk that that's. ever happened. usually it's something that i'm mad abt that happened to me or around me. and i'm just complaining or venting right.

but this was like.

legitimately it was eating away at me. and it was like. idk i couldn't figure out why. i was just like "i can't fucking deal w this rn" but then i just had to. i felt so bad talking to my mom. and i was being hyper critical of everything i'm doing rn, which is what i do when i'm Bad Brain.

i've been working on the next session for my miss frizzle game which is happening this sunday. and i had to make a sort of city layout map. and i just. felt so insecure and angry and frustrated abt it. and it felt like that opinion of it was validated. it's. not very good.

but i just kept berating myself abt it.

and it led into me talking abt this shit that's been eating me alive all week.

and finally saying it out loud...helped. and like i started talking abt it w my therapist today. but we have 50 mins and i had to catch her up on everything and i hadn't like properly sorted through it.

so it feels sort of like i just did.

nothing is fixed but at least it. makes more sense.

i'm basically having to start from the ground up, figuring out who i even am as a person, what i like, what i enjoy, what i value, all of it. bc all this time i thought i knew. and i didn't.

and i'm also realizing i do have. an "addictive" personality and that i've probably been right to avoid All Substances including caffeine. bc the thing i realized is that i've shaped my entirely life in pursuit of external validation at the expense of....p much everything else. i chose the path of least resistance in that direction, but i still chose it bc of external validation.

and it's just. so deeply upsetting and unsettling to realize everything i've done or decided or said i liked or pursued--was bc of external validation.

and to realize idk how to form internal opinions and emotions and experiences. idk how to recognize something that i actually enjoy, unless it's something that i unmistakably enjoy--like if there's physical evidence of how i'm feeling (e.g., crying and being unable to stop smiling or talking abt it after seeing hamlet in a theater for the first time).

otherwise? i have no idea how i feel abt most anything. i have phobias and aversions. i have comfort items and things and sensory preferences.

aaaaand........that's all i actually know abt myself, anymore.

and that's terrifying as a person who craves control and knowledge and stability to be able to operate in this world.

so yeah no wonder i've felt broken and fucked up all week.

no wonder, even though the weight has been lifted, i don't feel great right now.

and it's just like....why did i need to be given this project in addition to all of my health stuff?

and i'm also frustrated, bc if the pandemic had never happened, i would be teaching rn and not questioning anything bc that's the path i set myself on for whatever pile of reasons i had.

and tbh i probably wouldn't be experiencing half of the health problems i have, bc they're triggered by stress, and my BIGGEST source of stress is from the pandemic, which is more stress than i can knowingly remember.

so i'm just. really tired and beaten down and now i'm not even an "i" i literally don't know who i am anymore.

and not like the run of the mill "what am i doing in life" but quite literally looking back at 28 years and going

"jesus fucking christ. what have i missed out on bc i avoided things i wasn't immediately good at and didn't immediately get external validation abt? what things did i sacrifice or ignore in myself for the sake of pleasing ppl and making them like and praise me? what things do i actually enjoy? what do i ACTUALLY want to do with my life? who even am i? what are my values?"

what even is my personality?

anyway i need to not rehash this bc i'll get a little worked up again.

but it did. feel. good ???????? i genuinely don't know. to just. finally figure that out. what was eating at me. what was really unsettling me.

and that has left me with a million more concerns and questions and v few answers at all. but at least i have somewhere to pick up from w my therapist next friday.

okay i'm gonna use my neck/shoulder massager and try and get ready for bed. gotta run through my game tomorrow w my mom to make sure i'm prepared for sunday and everything makes sense. gotta print out all of my notes and stat blocks etc. got various things to do.

//sigh. okay.

[sits back and sighs]

just thought of another realization

i chose all three of my names sort of bc of other people.

i mean. shakespeare and being mexican are also important to me, so there's that.

but now i'm wondering if i struggled to choose my first name (which i'm still perfectly //shrug. happy with ? i have no strong opinion i don't think? i did cry when someone first used it for me i think though) is bc i literally just don't even have a sense of who i am as a person at all. lol

ANYWAY.

i'd really like to be done with these earth-shattering revelations that completely uproot everything i think i know abt my self and my world and my life.

being a lesbian, being genderqueer, being autistic, being disabled--and now not even knowing who i am as a person.

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

[xorobyn]

Oh hi tumblr aka my diary,

I officially hit rock bottom just the other week. My baby boy died… can’t go into it rn bc I write to process my emotions and honestly I’m not ready yet…

Moving on after that happened I lost it. I have never been so heartbroken, helpless, depressed, and suicidal.

God I’m trying not to go into bc it is too late to sit here and ball.

You just need to know I hit rock bottom x1000

I will tell you more one day, but I pulled myself out (little by little everyday. I’m still not better). I finally went to a psychiatrist. They upped my anti depressant and anxiety meds. Also, they put me on a mood stabilizer which I am hoping is going to help me. You can go back and read years back how I am always up and down. That is a part of the reason I do this. So I can go back and see how my life was going. Anyway, the point is one of the worst things about life is feeling up and down so much. It gets so exhausting. It is hard to manage. I was on a big high for a while, but I have def came down. It is so crazy bc I legit wake up and boom I’m completely down/up. It changes about every month give or take a week.

Fuck I fucked up. I cut myself the other day. I hadn’t in over a yearish, but I just had to. I was feeling such overwhelming sadness. The sad thing is that it didn’t give me relief like it usually does. Idk if that is good so I won’t do it again or bad bc the one thing that will calm me down didn’t work… but I only do that when I lose control of myself. It’s crazy bc the whole time I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I can’t help it. I didn’t tell anyone of course. I have had enough pitty recently. I would like to go back to when no one knew anything about my emotions. I absolutely hate vulnerability. I couldn’t even talk to Cema rn about how I am feeling. I have no one. I physically cannot make myself. That’s why I miss. Damn I could talk to him about anything. Fuck I just started crying. I didn’t wanna do this. I fucking miss him so much. Literally my best friend. And it hurts even more bc I feel like I always lose friends. I don’t have a heart. Besides for one person but he just fucked me over so… well I don’t wanna date him of course but I do really like him. A lot. Very much infatuated. But somehow we always end up hating each other. Except this time I swear I didn’t do anything. One day he just switched up and started ignoring me and being short and mean. I feel crazy bc I thought we were doing good. It made me really sad. Last night was prob the last time we will talk. Yeah I cried. I’m crying a lot lately idk why. Anyway, I think we will eventually talk again but the balls in his court so it ain’t really up to me. We will see if I reply though. If I had any respect for myself I wouldn’t. Maybe I will respect myself by then.

Work is work. Don’t even wanna go into it bc thinking about it is annoying. Only thing keeping me motivated is the money. Cue The Morning by The Weeknd. Ew that was cringy.

I’m super high. Been smoking quite a lot. Only at night tho otherwise I would legit get fired. It makes me so calm tho like damn I love it.

I think I’m in love with JD. I mean I’m trying to still figure it out, but if it ain’t love then it has to be hate. Our sex is so good. We will just leave it at that on the public forum (even tho almost no one knows I have a tumblr). I just think about him all the time and I crave him. Like I said tho I don’t wanna date him. I don’t want a relationship at all rn. I just wanna fuck him and be respected… which is apparently too much to ask for lol… ew let me snap out of this.